The League s05e12 Episode Script

Gentlemen, just because football season's over doesn't mean we can't all still hang out.
And I've been using all my extra time to refurbish Uncle Frank's van into Taco Corp World Headquarters.
- This is embarrassing.
- The season's not over, Taco-- you just didn't make the playoffs.
Me neither.
So it is with a heavy heart I'd like to announce the league's playoff matchups.
In one bracket, we have Jenny versus Ruxin.
My team is gonna punch Jenny right in her balls.
And in the other bracket, we've got Andre versus Ted.
Andre versus AIDS, a battle I've been preparing for my entire life.
And in contention for the Ruxin Yes? I'm listening.
Kevin, Chuck, Taco and myself.
I love you, buddy, but you got to go.
There are four much less well-appointed homes that you will be very happy in.
Geoffrey.
Hi, handsome.
How was school? Good.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Ruxin, how are you? Hi, Father Zaragosa.
Geoffrey's such a wonderful student.
Aw.
Thank you.
You know, we're doing a performance at the end of the semester, and we would love for Geoffrey to be in it.
Really? That's great.
He takes after his old man.
I did some theater in high school.
Those drama girls were so messed up in the head.
They were easy pickings for So, that's all I'm gonna say.
Actually, it's our Christmas pageant, and we would love Geoffrey to be our Baby Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Yes.
It's quite an honor.
Isn't there a part for, like, the guy who runs the Bank of Bethlehem or Jesus' entertainment lawyer? Nothing? I almost had it.
If I could've just eked into the playoffs, I would've wiped the floor with you shit-sippers.
Really? Yes, my team was built for the playoffs.
Face it, it's over.
You came in last.
You will be playing in the Sacko Bowl next week.
Okay, fine, but which one of you two will I be playing in the Sacko? Not me.
I set my lineup.
You did.
In September.
Still, all the more reason for me to make sure I do not end up in that goddamn Sacko Bowl.
I think you mean the Ruxin.
Whatever you want to call it, I have never been in that despicable thing.
In fact, I'm taking some time off of work to focus on what's really important.
You're taking vacation days for fantasy football? Oh, you're goddamn right I am.
Look, I'm following all of my players on Twitter right now.
Vernon Davis, spending some quality time with the family.
His spirits are up.
Might have an extra couple of points in that.
Anquan Boldin just had his favorite paella ever.
That could be a little heavy, might slow him down.
These are the things you got to think of.
The edge.
W-We'll discuss it when I get home, okay? That was my beautiful wife.
Wants to raise our children Catholic.
Oh, Catholics versus the Jews.
What's the spread on that game? Uh, let's just say the Conquistadors are favored.
Didn't you guys decide that by putting Geoffrey in that Catholic school? Well, we were gonna send him to a synagogue preschool, but then Sukkot happened.
Oh, that was such an awesome party-- we should do that again sometime.
I agree, actually.
Didn't you discuss this before you got married? No, the only thing I talked to Sofia about before we got married was, "Where can I fly you?" "Your brother seems like a really sweet guy.
" And, "How long do you want me to go down on you before you just give up on having an orgasm?" Oh, slap.
You trying to tickle my meaty clackers? No, you do you do that and then that's what guys do when they're talking about pussy.
Oh, God, Andre.
What? That's what happens.
What guys do you talk about that with? Steven, Max, Gary.
The guys in my squash club.
Pussy-talking dudes do that.
Enough! All right, enough.
Listen to me, Catholicism's not that bad.
You'll get used to it.
No, if my kid is gonna hate Jews, it's 'cause he's self-loathing, not 'cause he's anti-Semitic.
Password? What is going on here? What you doing? What When did you put a password on your computer? When I got into the playoffs and I didn't want you messing with my lineup.
I'm not gonna mess with your lineup.
I can look at your lineup.
And then, you know, maybe, if you want, I could probably give you my advice.
No, I'm good.
Why don't you want my advice? 'Cause I'm in the playoffs.
You are not.
I should be in the playoffs and you know that.
How 'bout you just look at these playoffs as a little "too hot to handle.
" We're not gonna let that go, are we? We're just not.
No.
It's too good.
Okay.
Hey, will you do me a favor? Will you get Taco out of the attic? How do you know he's in the - attic? - You don't smell - that? - Oh, my God.
That's Afghani Kush.
I got to get him out.
Can you come down from there, please? Oh, God, are you using my watering can as a guest bong? Yeah, I lost your gun.
What?! Oh, ho, ho.
Guys, sit down.
I got big news.
What? I have a secret.
We don't want to know it.
Don't care.
If I tell you, you have to promise that you don't share it.
I don't want to know it.
I do not want to know it.
Fine, I'm gonna tell you.
Drumroll, please.
Just tell the goddamn secret, Andre! Okay, all right.
You dragged it out of me.
I am Vernon Davis.
Huh? What? On Twitter, I am Vernon Davis.
Oh.
Ho, ho.
Created a fake Twitter account that Pete has been following since the draft.
And I have just been loading it with all good information.
And then? I'm gonna pull the plug.
I want to see Pete go down hard.
In the Sacko.
Andre.
Look at that.
That's the long con right there, buddy.
Exactly.
You know, Pete has been getting the best of me all year.
But now my revenge will be as sweet as dulce de leche.
Mwah.
That, coming from the Little Debbie of our league.
This is awesome.
Pete is gonna flip out when I tell him.
I know, right? Wait, what? No, no.
He doesn't even know.
Th-That's the It's a secret.
You can't tell him.
No, it's our secret, so we're gonna get our revenge on Pete.
Please do not tell Pete.
Fine, I'm gonna tell Vernon Davis.
Tell Vernon Davis.
Do you know Vernon Davis? I know a Vernon Davis.
Great, get him on the phone.
I will.
Thank you.
You dummy.
All right, gents.
It's been a pleasure expensing this lunch with you.
Shall we head back to the office? Brian, I'll definitely run those ideas up the flagpole, okay? All right.
I kind of miss it.
I miss it a lot.
It's so easy.
'Cause here's the thing: I get you and I always have.
You totally do.
I've needed to talk about it with someone, and it's been so hard with Kevin.
And this feels good.
I wish we had done this a very long time ago.
We're a good team.
So, what exactly did you see? I saw Jenny with her ex-boyfriend, Ben, having lunch.
I'm not sure anything is happening.
I just felt I should report it to you.
Really? "Sex record" Ben? Sex record Ben.
Yeah.
Were they having any alcohol? There was a wine.
I think, maybe a light beer.
What were they snacking on? I don't kn Pretzels, peanuts? Were there any apps? Are you concerned about your wife's fidelity or are you just hungry right now? Little bit of both.
Okay.
I see.
Hey, guys, hi.
Hey.
Uh, did you remember to take dinner out of the freezer? I didn't.
Let me guess, were you piddling with your fantasy fantasy lineup? Yeah, I was, babe.
You know I should be playing Ted in the playoffs.
But you're not.
You're not in the playoffs, Kevin.
You know what, just call up wherever and order take-out.
I don't Fine.
Well, she doesn't seem very happy.
I mean, with Georgia-- what was wrong with their relationship? I mean, was her husband doing something wrong? I think she felt that he was not very attentive and was just a bit neglectful.
Neglectful.
Game time.
I got it.
Oh.
Hey.
You working hard? What? At least I'm not watching porn.
No, don't stop.
It felt good, babe.
Kevin? Kevi? Kevin! What? I'm good.
Let's get back into it.
You don't think Jenny would cheat on me, do you? Look, if she was gonna piddle around outside the marriage, I think she would have had that pounded out of her years ago.
Did she say what we were having for dinner? I'm starving.
You're joking, right? What? If she's making meatloaf, we got to get out of here.
It sucks.
Hi, Daddy.
Geoffrey, you can't come in here when Daddy's doing his shame business, all right? It smells like miso soup.
'Cause Daddy's filled with sour water, okay? So, let's close the door now, okay? Bye.
Hey, Ruxin! Rafi, what are you doing in here? Look at you.
Just taking a shit.
Did you tell Baby Geoffrey to come in here? Well, I didn't tell him to come in here, but, like, he and I have an open-door bathroom policy.
We always hang out when one of us is doing a number two.
You let him talk to you while you're on the toilet? We're dump buddies.
Rafi, please evacuate so that I can evacuate.
I love you, man.
Get out of here! Do you hear me? Just say it back, and I'll take off.
Fine, you can stay.
I'm gonna jerk off while you do this.
Oh, God, I love you, I love you.
I'll see you in a minute.
Rafi, is this why Geoffrey's always trying to go number two with the door open? Yeah.
You shouldn't have closed doors in the house.
It's rude.
I don't know why you're such an anti-social shitter.
Hi, brother.
Hello, beautiful.
Look at you.
Oh.
Look at these tits.
Oh.
They're getting bigger.
Wow.
Hey, congratulations.
I heard Baby Geoffrey got cast as Jesus Christ in the Christmas pageant.
Mm.
Yeah, we're flattered.
Yeah.
Ah, flattered but probably gonna turn it down.
No, we're not.
I was Jesus every year in the Christmas pageant.
No, you were Judas or Satan.
I was cast as Judas every year, and they would cast some goody-goody as Jesus.
And that kid would get hurt, and I knew all his lines, so I'd wind up playing Jesus.
Whoa, hold on a second.
We need to decide on what Geoffrey's religious upbringing is gonna be.
Yeah.
How about this? We expose him to both Catholicism and Judaism, and then, we let him decide.
All right, that's fair.
Holy war.
I like this.
It's not a holy war.
We're gonna crush you.
We have the only direct access to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
So, I'm assuming you're a devout Catholic? Very religious.
He used to be an altar boy.
I ran into a little bit of trouble with one of the priests, though.
Were you sexually abused? Other way around, buddy.
I abused him.
He didn't want to do anything.
He wound up leaving the priesthood.
Said what I'd done to him was proof that God didn't exist on Earth.
He lives in Ibiza now.
I can't believe you two share genetic material.
Oh, we have in the past, but not in a long time.
Let's talk about lunch.
That tapas place-- it-it's not transporting well.
There he is.
That's Andre? Uh-huh.
What's up, Andre? Oh, my God.
Vernon Davis? How do you know Vernon Davis? You told me I could tell the Vernon Davis I know.
This is the Vernon Davis I know.
Well, how do you know him? He's my Eskimo brother.
Yeah.
Really? Hey, Andre, I want to talk to you about this fake Twitter account.
I'm so sorry about this, and I-I can take it down, I'll do whatever.
He told me this Pete guy's been picking on you all year.
I want to help you fight back.
Really? You want to help me? Pete sleeps with a married woman, and you get punched in the face? That ain't right.
You don't mind that I'm running your Twitter account? No, but I don't like that you're making me look so lame.
Andre, look.
I like Rascal Flatts? Yeah.
Trucker hats? How come every pair of pants that I buy are bedazzled? Because you work hard on your legs, you want to show 'em off.
Get those spangles out there.
Andre, I'm gonna let this fake Vernon Davis continue on one condition.
Sure, anything.
You have to let Taco write all the Tweets.
Okay, but you don't know anything about football.
But I know everything about Vernon Davis.
Thanks, Taco.
All right.
I love you, Eskimo brother.
I love you, too, Eskimo brother.
All right, if you're running this Twitter account, you have to keep the Tweets real, okay? He can't find out.
This is a long con.
Don't worry about it.
I am extremely tech-savvy.
By the way, can I borrow your fax machine? For what? My emergency break's busted, I need something to put behind the tire.
Oh, by the way, what happened with Jenny and Ben? Did you guys kind of talk through that? No, no, no, I remain silent until she makes a mistake.
Good, I think communication is sort of a last-resort thing in marriages.
What are you doing? I'm following Vernon Davis on Twitter.
The guy's really interesting.
Apparently, he's, like, a big fan of Japanese sneakers.
I love Japanese sneakers.
What are you doing, Taco? Just grabbing some supplies for TacoCorp headquarters.
Those are Ellie's school supplies.
Great.
And that is Jenny's computer.
You can't have that.
Oh, I need it for business.
Business? Yeah.
Well, if you're gonna use the computer, then you have to tell me what the password is.
I don't know what the password is.
Well, then, how are you gonna use the computer? Just like I'm using it now.
I don't need a password.
No, you have to open it up, and then, put a password in to use it, Taco.
No, you don't.
Look, it's closed.
I'm using it.
Stop it, Kevin, you're being very closed-minded.
Look, it's a bullet-stopper.
Oh, my Give me this thing, dingbat.
Hey, let me ask you-- do you think that Jenny is cheating on me? Well, I mean, are you guys both sleeping with other people? No, we're sleeping with each other exclusively.
What? Yes.
Then what do you have? Sex with each other.
Ugh! All right, just, everyone focus on this, please.
I have to try to figure out what this password is.
Ooh, code breaking.
What a romantic.
"Kevin.
" Try the kids' names-- that's what they do.
"Chalupa.
" Uh, his name's Christopher.
I got it.
Try "sex with other men.
" And we're in! Yeah.
No, we're not in.
It's not "sex with other men.
" You're a dick.
Aw.
Well, we all know this.
Oh, you clearly haven't looked at the transactions page.
Yup, our friend Ruxin spent last night adding and then dropping every single defense in the league.
I also hate-watched Dancing with the Stars.
You knew full well that if you picked up every defense and then dropped them that nobody could pick them up for two days because they'd be on the waiver wire.
This is a goddamn roster-churn.
It's a shitty move.
Is it illegal? No, it's immoral.
And next year, there will be a rule that makes that illegal.
I guess we could just chalk this up to classic Ruxin tinkering.
Oh, bullshit.
If these apps were-were the defense, and you picked them up and you went and you ruined it! God.
That's disgusting.
Gross, Kevin.
Well, I ordered 'em, I'm eating 'em.
They're delicious.
Oh, it won't be the first time Kevin and Pete have shared fluids.
Fives.
How do you sleep at night, Ruxin? Oh, with an eye mask.
Geoffrey, what are you doing? Bible study.
Great job, Geoffrey.
Rafi! Oh.
Buddy, go watch TV for a while, okay? What the hell are you doing, Rafi? Dump-buddy bible study, which you are totally interrupting right now.
You do not talk to my son about religion.
Somebody has got to teach him about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Is that a hot dog? Don't worry about it.
Did you build a toilet kitchen? I added a kitchen to an already existing toilet.
Is that a pocket dog? Yeah, this is a pocket dog.
What's in the toilet is a dump dog.
I got hot dogs coming and going, buddy.
You're like a disgusting meat straw, Rafi.
That is maybe the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know what? My son is Jewish.
He is Catholic.
Jewish.
His mother is Catholic, and I baptized him.
Throwing him into Lake Michigan does not count as a baptism.
That's not my fault he almost drowned.
I thought he could swim.
Enough with the Inquisition.
Time to call in the tribe.
Taco, what is going on? Fake Vernon Davis is into some really weird shit.
Unicorns and then pictures of soup? Yeah, I'm categorizing different kinds of soup.
There's so many different kinds.
There's the orange kind, there's like a I don't need fake Vernon Davis to be into soup, I need him to have a hurt foot.
What if he has, like, a gold foot or, like, has three feet or a foot growing out of his back? Now that's cool.
No, you see, you're not getting why we're doing this.
We need to make Pete think that he's injured.
Wait, when did Pete get injured? Don't worry about Pete! Worry about the fake Vernon Davis.
The real Vernon Davis is here.
Hey.
What's up, Taco? I'm here.
How you doing? What do you need me to do? Uh, just need five minutes of your time, that's it.
No, no, we want to get the foot.
Who cares about the foot? That's the whole purpose of this.
Are we done? I actually have a job.
Yes, thank you so much for doing this.
This is way beyond the call of duty, and as a form of repayment, I would like to offer you a business opportunity.
How would you like your own line of calf implants? People could have your calves in their body.
We'd call them "The VD".
Mm? "With VD, you'll be burnin' like Vernon.
" Nobody wants VD.
VD's actually not that bad.
Shalom and welcome.
Hanukkah, huh? Shabat shalom.
Oh, wrong.
Shalom.
Happy Jewish Christmas.
Hey, Ruspin, you want me to put my Krampus outfit on? No, absolutely not.
All right, I'm gonna put these ninja stars on the Christmas tree.
It's a Jewish star and it's a Hanukkah bush and you're an amoeba.
That's a nice hat.
Oh, the yarmulke? Yeah, it's great, because it feels like it's constantly about to fall off.
Andre, maybe I could get one to cover up that blazer 'cause it is literally a fashion holocaust.
Thank you very much, and just like the Holocaust, you will never forget it.
Rabbi Kirshenblatt.
Mr.
Ruxin.
What a lovely home.
Thank you for coming.
How did you get a rabbi in this house? I actually called in my sister.
You remember Rebecca Ruxin.
Hey, Rebecca, how's it going? Good to see you.
Yeah, you look just the same.
Maybe a little older.
A little sadder.
I mean, not as old and sad as my brother, though, thank goodness.
What a light and joy she is.
And to think that Conservadox Judaism has only made her that much more palatable.
Well, I was forced to become a bit more religious in order to justify being placed in the same family as the Rod-man.
"Ro-Rod-man"? "Rod-man".
Rod-man.
You guys don't call him the Rod-man? We do now.
Yes, we do.
No, everybody calls me Ruxin.
Rod-man.
Rodney Rod-man.
Dennis Rod-man.
Nice.
You remember Andre, don't you? Yeah.
To think I had a crush on you in high school.
How come you never told me? Well, I wasn't allowed to tell you.
Or touch you, because it's the Rod-man's worst nightmare that I sleep with one of his friends.
I guess I just like my friends too much.
Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Hey, Ros-man, why is it that Jews celebrate Jesus' birthday over eight days instead of just one? For tax purposes.
Taco? I'm so surprised to see you still alive.
Oh, I've actually died a bunch of times.
But the hospital always makes me alive again.
Thank goodness for that.
I'll tell you everything you want to know about Hanukkah.
Hanukkah.
Your sister's so funny.
She is funny.
Yeah, she's not funny, okay? And she cheated at tennis and I had to let her win or else she'd throw tantrums.
And I love her very much.
I'm very glad she's here.
This is gonna be a good party.
Yeah.
Anybody want a drink? Yes.
I'll definitely take a drink.
All right.
Oh, sweetie, will you get me a white wine.
J-Dog! Hey.
Ben, you made it.
Oh, heck yeah.
I'm so glad you're here.
Yeah, thank you so much for the other day.
You know I take care of my girl, right? Ah, you always have.
You just, you clarified everything for me.
You feel good about it? That's a Jew and Geoffrey's gonna be a Catholic? That's a shanda.
I feel good, too, I mean, honestly, and anytime you need help Are you happy in your marriage? Am I? Yeah.
No.
Happier than she is, though.
Clearly.
Uh, what kind of party is this, anyway? Oh, this is Ruxin.
He's trying to get his kid into both hells.
Vernon Davis, holy shit.
He's got a, some kind of huge injury, what is that? Oh, yeah, I'm not an orthopedic surgeon, but you got to imagine he's in a cast for some reason, right? This is why you follow your players on Twitter, Andre.
You get the edge.
See, I take a page from your book, start following my players on Twitter, right, Taco? Why are you giving me a thumbs-up? Nothing.
Just tell me out loud.
Just go back to the tree.
What are you talking about? Just giving him a thumbs-up.
The tree looks great.
Thank you.
Stop bothering me.
Thank you.
Rabbi Kirshenblatt, you remember my wife, Sofia? Yes, of course.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Santa.
What? Uh, he's really excited about Santa.
Aah, he's medium excited about Santa.
No, he's really excited about Santa.
He was very excited about using the big boy toilet, but remember there were a bunch of messy lapses along the way, right? Yeah, well, the toilet didn't promise gifts.
Yeah, hey, babe, you were gonna check on those latkes? The latk? Oh, yes, the Jewish hash browns.
Bye.
Great.
Geoffrey, did you know that the rabbi's Jewish? Rafi told me that the Jews killed Jesus with a knife.
So, you see what I'm dealing with here? Well, you know, being a Jewish person really means being good to other people.
That's called "ethics.
" You know who else is in charge of ethics? Your daddy.
I try to be the ethical cornerstone to my friends and family.
Yeah, so listen, I've got an ethical question for you.
Do you think it's ethical to add and drop ten defenses so nobody can pick 'em up off the waiver wire? Do you play, uh, fantasy football, Rabbi? Of course I play fantasy football.
My team, the Payus Manics, is in first place.
So let's return to your ethical question.
Right, well, ethically speaking You know, the-the beauty of ethics is it's relative, isn't it? No, no, no, no, no.
To a Jew, it's right or it's wrong.
Well, as a Jew Mm-hmm? Uh, who wants to be Jewish and raise my son Jewish, I would teach him that it would be unethical to roster-churn and I would return those defenses to the open market for anybody to pick up.
Shalom! The wisdom of Solomon.
I wish I could cut this league in half.
Oh, my God.
Ruxin just put all the defenses back up on the wire.
Ooh, yes.
I know, it's so good.
But I need you, like, we're gonna have to, like, seriously powwow.
We got to meet up and talk about it, because Okay, all right, that's enough, you know what? Stop touching my wife, please.
You're being really rude right now.
Oh, really? I'm being rude? I'm sorry, did I interrupt the conversation with you and record-setting Ben over here? Look, I am sorry that I neglected you and took you for granted and I'm sorry that I fell asleep during oral.
Oh, I am sorry that you said that out loud.
Don't apologize for that.
Do you think that? Yeah.
Oh, man, no, no, no, no, no.
I am very happily married.
And I am happily married.
Nothing is happening between us.
Just helping a buddy out, you know, she wanted help with her lineup, I'm really good at that kind of stuff.
What? You helped my wife with her lineup? He gave some very good fantasy.
Are you kidding me? You let him help you? I'm just really good at All right, shut your mouth, man.
I'm, I give amaz Oh! Jewish hash browns! Oh, shit.
They're called latkes, you goddamn shiksa.
You people are insane.
What a shiska? Oy.