The Nanny s05e12 Episode Script

( Music ) Ah, happy new year, Isaac.
Thank you, Mr.
Sheffield.
Oh, Maxwell, look at the poster I had made to convince Margo to join our show, "Marie Antoinette.
" Now, when she gets here, I don't want any screw ups.
( Sniffs ) What are you doing? I'm sniffing for Alberto VO5, Top Raman and anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.
( laughter ) I told you, she's out of the house.
Okay, okay.
Look, I had them paint on Margo's trademark mole.
Isn't it amazing how one bodily imperfection can make someone famous.
Then you should be known worldwide.
( laughter ) Maxwell, have you noticed how calm the house is without Nanny Fine here? No one to get in the way, make a scene, ( laughter ) No idiotic stunts just to meet a movie star.
( laughter ) Miss Lange, sir.
( Clapping ) Maxwell.
Margo.
You've met my associate C.
C.
Babcock? Oh, yes, we lunched at Spago, I adored her.
Is she here? ( laughter ) That's me, Margo.
Oh.
Now about my co-star.
I was thinking about that delicious Lopez boy from Saved By The Bell.
What, is he, 18? Next to him you'll look less French.
( laughter ) Maxwell, darling, do something.
Your gardener is gawking at me.
( laughter ) Um, would you Would you excuse me a minute, there's a wandering Jew on the terrace that needs transplanting.
( laughter ) Max: Are you insane what are you doing out here? ( laughter ) ( arguing ) Max: Don't you push me.
( Arguing ) - Well, hello, Miss Margo L - Miss Fine! What? ( Screaming ) I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh my Gosh, Miss Lang, your famous mole? - Where is it? - What? Here it is.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, That's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed The father finds her beguiling Watch out C.
C.
The kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
T.
V.
: This is Cindy Adams from New York and have I got dirt for you.
A certain Park Avenue butler signed a $3 million book deal, and here's how he did it.
Max: Miss Fine? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Would you excuse us, please? I would like a word alone with 'Earnest'.
You had to meet her in person.
My telephoto lens and parabolic dish weren't good enough for you.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) I'm not gonna yell.
I'm not gonna scream.
I just want to have a conversation like rational mature adults.
With me? ( laughter ) Now, we both know what the most important thing in a relationship is, don't we? Forgiveness? ( laughter ) No, trust.
Trust is the most important thing! Do you realize Margo Lange has one of the most recognizable faces in the world because of that mole? Can you imagine what would happen if word got out it were fake? Well, excuse me, but are you implying that I cannot keep this thing a secret? Oh, come on, Miss Fine, the only secret safe with you is your age.
( laughter ) Barry Scheck and a whole drum of sodium pentothal couldn't drag that out.
( laughter ) Look I find it very hurtful that you think that I have nothing better to do than to pass idle gossip.
Who cares if her fakakta mole is a fake? Big deal.
( laughter ) I was just trying to lighten up the conversation.
I know you tend to get nervous when you have to go to the doctors.
I'm not scared of the examination.
I'm not talking about getting weighed.
( laughter ) Now, did you write down all the stuff you ate yesterday like the doctor asked you to? Let me see.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Hm.
Ma, you did really well, I'm proud of you.
( laughter ) Hm.
Look at this, Oprah gained back all her weight.
Oh, that poor girl.
Oh, 1989.
( laughter ) Well, look who's on that cover? Again with her? So Margo Lange's mole is fake.
Who cares? - Ma? - Who's gonna hear? Liz Smith? ( laughter ) Meanwhile, I had six moles taken off my back.
You didn't care.
You didn't even send a card.
( laughter ) Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here, there's a draft.
No, not at all.
Meanwhile, you smell delicious, what have you got on? Thank you, it's called Gossip, take mine.
That's very nice of you.
Thanks.
Don't get too chummy.
You're in a doctor's office.
You never know what somebody's got.
( laughter ) So tell me, what do you do, a gorgeous gal like you? Act, model, what? I'm just a housewife.
( laughter ) Sylvia, Dr.
Hersh is ready for you.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, Fran.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I hope you're doing okay.
Nice to see you again.
Who is that young lady? She looks so familiar to me.
You know, Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway producer? That's his nanny.
Can you believe, five years she's working for him, still hasn't proposed.
Ah, cancel my appointment.
It's Cindy.
Scrap my segment.
I'm re-shooting and I want it on tonight.
Oh, you bet it's big, ah! Well, the thing is, Ma absolutely has to lose weight, so we can't keep food in the house anymore.
Help me scoff back some of this Godiva.
( laughter ) Fran, you can't control what your mother eats, she doesn't live here.
When did she move out? ( laughter ) I'm so glad that I don't have a weight problem.
I can eat anything I want.
Pizza, ice-cream You know, me too.
Candy, cake.
Must be in our genes.
Meanwhile, when Ma was your ages, she was thinner than both of you.
( laughter ) Maxwell! Maxwell! The gossip channel's gonna put on our Marie Antoinette musical.
Oh, mazel tov.
Now, Margo is still willing to do it despite the incident.
( laughter ) We just have to keep her real happy.
In Los Angeles, Rob McCorvey, and in New York, Cindy Adams.
Who's that? Cindy Adams, the columnist.
- I know her - Shhh ( laughter ) Big news from the Great White Way involving the latest from too-handsome-for-words producer Maxwell Sheffield.
She's the only columnist I respect.
( laughter ) Starring in his next outing is none other than the queen of the beauty marks, Margo Lange.
Huh? Oh now I know where I know her from ( laughter ) Well, kiddies, I've got a little outing of my own to do.
The mole is fake! ( laughter ) And this comes straight from Maxwell Sheffield's nanny.
Miss Fine! ( laughter ) Freeze! ( laughter ) Do you hate me? Is that what it is? Are you trying to get back at me for backpedaling in our relationship? Is that what this is all about? No, no, no.
This is a personality disorder.
Yeah, it's, like, you know, when you watch your mother fry up your Mr.
Potato Head, it scars you.
( laughter ) You know, you're my kryptonite.
That's what you are.
You're the only thing that can hurt me.
Not the critics, not the actors' union, not the bloody IRS.
Kryptonite, the stuff that could hurt Superman.
Who the hell cares what it is? ( laughter ) ( sighs ) I'm sorry, Mr.
Sheffield.
I was just telling Ma in confidence.
I mean, who knew that Cindy Adams was the one that would give me this perfume: Gossip, by Cindy Adams.
( laughter ) Miss Fine, you remember our conversation about trust? Yeah, what? Well, you realize, you and I cannot have a relationship if I can't trust you.
And, now it seems fairly obvious I can't.
Meanwhile, I have never seen Mr.
Sheffield so upset.
It is dead serious.
He hates me.
He reviles me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to me again.
All this is gonna set the engagement way back.
( laughter ) Has anyone noticed how I haven't touched the cake? Yeah, M a, you're doing really good.
I'm so proud of you.
Meanwhile, Val, did you taste these double chocolate brownies stuffed with cheesecake centers? ( laughter ) Please, I'm still working on this cannoli.
It's got chips.
Let me taste.
Mm.
Let me have a knife? Why, Ma, you're not going to cheat are you? For my wrists.
( laughter ) You know, Sylvia, my mother joined a diet centre, and she has lost 120 pounds.
Another fifty and she can start sleeping upstairs again.
( laughter ) What are you digging for, Ma? I'm making sure I remembered my phone.
Sammy's calling me from Florida and I don't want to miss him.
( laughter ) ( clapping ) Oh, I just can't believe what I did to poor Margo Lange.
There's gotta be a way I can help Mr.
Sheffield out of his jam.
Well, Fran, why don't you just go to her and beg her for mercy.
You know, tell her what you did to Elton John, and to Elizabeth Taylor? ( laughter ) And to Cher and to Bette Midler, and to Lamb Chop.
Right.
( laughter ) Well, this would pale by comparison, really.
( laughter ) Well, if no one is gonna have any more of the cake, I'm gonna put it away.
No, that's good.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Ma, you're a right.
That's right.
Mm.
Stop her! Stop her! She's got the cake! Stop her.
( laughter ) Sometimes I wonder where those two nuts came from.
( Spoon sound ) Hello? ( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) Magda, ( in French ) Ouvrez la porte, s'il vous plait.
( Doorbell rings ) Magda? ( In French ) La porte! ( Doorbell rings ) Margo, the dog walker's back.
( laughter ) Good boy, good boy.
Bad boy, bad boy.
( laughter ) Well, there's good news and bad news.
The good news is Boo-boo did his business.
The bad news is he did it in there.
( laughter ) You, you assassin! Oh, Miss Lange, I don't blame you for being angry at me.
Where's that 45 automatic Chuck Heston gave me.
( laughter ) Please, if you'll just give me a minute of your time? What? To finish me off? Okay.
Fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.
Now, get out.
Ooh, fake? Real.
Oh, that's what fake, fake will get ya.
Miss Lange, please this is all my fault.
Don't take it out on Mr.
Sheffield and quit his play.
Do you honestly think I'm gonna show my face on a Broadway stage? I won't even leave this apartment.
So what are you gonna do? Live in exile? Let the sun shine in.
This is yesterday's news.
Nobody cares about that.
( laughter ) Any-who, you know, I have this great idea that would just turn this whole negative into a positive.
Oh, please, please, Miss Lange if you just hear me out, I will do anything.
Fine, clean up after the puppy.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, do I have exciting news for you! I know, I've just got off the phone with Margo.
She's back in my show.
How on earth did you do it? Oh, well, Margo swore me to secrecy.
You know one slip of the tongue can ruin it.
I cannot speak to a living soul about it.
Wait, you, you, you're telling me you don't trust me? I thought we have a relationship.
Oh, no, wait a minute, let me get this straight.
We've got a relationship but only when it's convenient for you? ( laughter ) I can live with that.
( laughter ) Let me tell ya, here it is.
We are going to market artificial Margo Lange Beauty Marks and sell it on the Internet! He he he.
Come on, come on.
You can tell me.
That's it.
And I thought of it all by myself.
That I believe.
Stop it.
( Music ) Look at you with your big head sitting around drooling.
Put a toupee on you, you could be my father.
( laughter ) You know, Margo, I don't like kids any more than you do but it's history.
Marie and Louis had two children.
We can't just get rid of them.
What a plague? Weren't there plagues back then? Ooh.
( laughter ) Hey, partner, I got some great marketing ideas to run by you.
Marketing ideas? Didn't you read this morning's Wall Street Journal? No.
But how funny was the Wizard of Id this morning.
( laughter ) My dear, Cody came out with a fake beauty mark.
Someone stole our idea.
Oh no.
You mean there's a mole in our mole organization? ( laughter ) Those are the breaks, darling.
Do you mean, that's it? All our hopes and dreams just went down the drain? Just yours.
I'm up for the role of Succubus Queen on "Xena Warrior Princess.
" ( laughter ) Niles, where's Miss Fine? She hasn't been out of her room all day.
Poor thing's been going out of her mind trying to decide who blabbed and sabotaged her dream.
- What's that? - Soup.
- For whom? - Miss Fine.
- Where'd you get it? - I made it.
You blabbed, didn't you? ( laughter ) Oh, Niles, but I was at the Friar's club with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner.
They're so bloody funny.
I was desperate for an amusing anecdote.
Mm.
So you're sitting with the men who wrote the classic 2,000-year-old man routine, and you tried to wow them with the mole story? ( laughter ) Alright, alright, just drop it, would you Niles? What am I going to do about it? This was her dream, Niles.
She was so excited about this cosmetics business and I went and ruined the whole thing by opening my big mouth.
There's just no way I can make this up to her.
Well, you could propose.
Oh, would you get serious, Niles? Just get off that track, would you, and finally, once in your life, come up with something I could actually use? Oh Mr.
Sheffield, I'm so miserable.
I keep trying to think who, who would do this to me? Marry me? It was you!? ( laughter ) You blabbed, and you think by proposing, it's gonna make up for it? Well, you thought right, baby.
( laughter ) Oh, Niles wait'll you hear.
I heard.
( laughter ) Oh, talk about fate.
I mean, if I hadn't washed off Margo Lange's mole, we never would have gone into business together, Mr.
Sheffield never would have blabbed, and he never would have He never would What? Oh, Niles.
Who am I kidding here? I don't want a proposal from a man out of guilt.
Oh, Gosh, 12 generations of Fine women just rolled over.
( laughter ) Oh, that's no way for us to start our lives together.
I don't understand, isn't this what you've been working for? It is, isn't it? Oh, but I wanted him to ask me because he can't imagine his life without me.
Because he really means it.
I kinda think I deserve that.
So you're actually going to let him out of it? - Yeah, I am.
- Oh.
Oh boy, have I come a long way, huh? Mm.
There you are.
Come on, Niles, why don't you crack open a bottle of Champagne.
Let's, let's celebrate.
Mm.
Oh, you mean that proposal out there? I didn't take that seriously.
I just wanted to see if you'd sweat.
( laughter ) What? Uh, you know, you should have seen the look on your face when I said, 'Yes'.
It was just about as good as the look on Ma's face when I told her I said no.
( laughter ) Why don't we just forget the whole thing ever happened, huh? Well, once again, you've managed to get yourself out of it.
Yes, well, only this time I'm not quite sure I really wanted to.
Chloe, I'm so proud of my little Sylvala.
You're doing so good with your diet.
Yeah, Sylvia, I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Thank you.
( Music ) ( laughter )