The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e12 Episode Script

Hey, Matthew.
Thanks for coming and watching Ritchie for me.
Whoa, look at you.
You're all dressed up.
Do you have a school thing? No.
Are you kidding me? I would never look this nice for school.
Last week, I went to a PTA meeting in a poncho and a pair of bike shorts.
Yeah, uh, by the way, a blanket with arms is not a poncho.
Eh, nobody cared.
Yeah.
The social worker cared.
Lipstick? Fake eyelashes? You're not a prostitute, are you? Because if you are, I owe Mom 20 bucks.
No.
I've actually made a very important decision.
I am going to tell Dr.
Kershaw that I love him.
You're going to tell your therapist that you love him? Well, he's not going to be my therapist for long.
Soon, he is going to be my lover.
Please don't use that word.
I have asked you so many times.
I mean, it's a real pet peeve of mine.
Look, I know that Max and I agreed to keep our relationship professional, but I can't.
You know? I love him, and I can't shake it.
Well, then, why don't you just let me help you shake it? Stop it, stop it, stop it! Come on! He is my colleague.
He is your doctor.
You're inappropriate.
Oh, well, I don't care what you think, Matthew, because I know that Dr.
Kershaw loves me.
Oh, your therapist doesn't love you.
Yes, he does! You don't see the way he stares at me.
The way he hangs on my every word.
Because you're paying him to do that.
Well, I'm not paying him, okay? My "insurance" is taking care of that.
Christine, this isn't love.
You're just experiencing transference.
It's very common in analysis.
What would you know about it? I'm a therapist.
You're-- listen.
You're just putting these feelings onto Max to make up for things you didn't get in your childhood.
The same thing happened to me when I was treating Lucy.
You saw how that ended up.
I mean, it was a complete disaster.
I wonder how she is.
Do you think I should call her? No.
Of course not.
You guys broke up.
That would be inappropriate.
Are my boobs even? For your age.
Look, I know your feelings for Max feel real to you, but they're not, okay? Would you just do me one favor? Wait two weeks, and if you still feel the same way towards him, you know, come back to me, and I'll shake you again.
All right, I'll wait two weeks.
But only because I couldn't get a waxing appointment until then, anyway.
So, actually, the timing will be perfect.
And then, I can make Max my lover.
I'm calling that social worker.
Okay.
Last time we met, you were talking about how angry you were at your son for growing up.
Should we continue with that? I love you.
All right.
You think you love me.
Let's talk about that.
No, no.
I don't think I love you.
I really do love you.
No, you don't.
I simply represent all the people that you couldn't get to love you.
Your father, your mother, your orthodontist, all those guys in middle school, all those guys in high school, Tony Danza Okay! Okay.
I get it.
Couldn't get love.
But, look.
This is different, okay? I know what I'm feeling is real.
I feel it here.
I feel it here.
A lile bit here.
Please don't do that.
Uh, okay, let's say, for the sake of argument, that you do love me.
Okay, look, I know that we said that we wouldn't do this.
But I have been feeling this since the first day that I met you.
And let's be honest, I don't think my mental health has improved a lick.
So, I mean, what have we got to lose? You can't love me, Christine, because you don't know me.
You know nothing about me.
I do.
I know lotse, Christine, because of stuff about you.
I know you're uncomfortable when people swear.
I don't mind swearing.
You know, if you'd use a noun and a verb on occasion, that would be a nice change of pace.
I know the pediatrician next door would appreciate it.
Okay, well, I know lots of other things, too.
I know that you are super anal about all the stuff in your office.
Anal? That's absolutely not true.
Oh, really? Uh-huh.
What I'm finding interesting about this is that you're trying to divert attention onto me when we should be talking about you.
Very interesting Okay, don't.
Please.
Christine.
I mean it.
Okay.
Utter chaos! Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
I apologize for that.
Let me just, uh, get my things back in order, and we can continue.
You see? You see? I do know you.
And what I know, I love.
I love you, Dr.
Kershaw.
What do you have to say about that? Christine Oh, God.
I don't love you.
I'm sorry.
You're a patient.
That's all.
You're not even my favorite patient.
And I definitely, most certainly, don't love you.
Well, are you sure? Positive.
Oh Oh.
Oh, uh I, uh, I got to get out of here.
I've never been so humiliated.
Don't look at me.
You don't have to be humiliated.
Let's talk about it.
No, I don't want to talk about this, okay? Don't look at me.
Come on.
We can work this out.
It's an important part of therapy.
Therapy? Are you kidding me? No.
Therapy is over.
Christine, come back.
Yes? Yes? You forgot your purse.
Keep it.
No, well, just throw it to me.
Don't look at me! Ow! And left corner to right.
Shake it out.
And meet in the middle.
See? Isn't it fun doing our laundry together? Yeah, this is exactly what I was hoping for when we got our bachelor pad.
Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I think you might have been in the laundry room before me.
You left this in the dryer.
Oh, my monkey face T-shirt.
I would have been lost without that.
Thank you.
I knew it was yours 'cause I saw you wearing it by the pool.
I said, "Hi," but you didn't say anything.
Well, of course not.
I don't know you.
Well, that certainly clears it up.
I guess I'll see you around.
Okeydokey.
Thanks again.
Matthew, what's wrong with you? That girl was hot.
And she was flirting with you.
No, she wasn't flirting with me.
Where'd you get "flirting"? How did you not get "flirting"? She licked her lips, she batted her eyes, she touched her hair when she talked.
Why do I even have a subscription to Men's Health if you're not going to use it? Well, what was I supposed to do? Just take her right here on top of the laundry pile? Sure.
The signals could not have been clearer.
You could have totally taken her as your lover.
I've asked you not to say that.
You know, I'm a little worried about you.
You haven't even been out on a date since you and Lucy broke up.
You've got to get back out there.
I don't like it back out there.
I got hurt back outhere.
No.
You can't take time off.
Use it or lose it.
You get one shot in life, Matthew.
Let me tell you a story.
Oh, my God.
If this is another story about how you missed your chance with Adrienne Barbeau, I'm moving out.
It was Adrienne Barbeau, and I blew it! Okay? I have to live with that every day.
Oh What? No! A flat? No! I got to get out of here! Oh.
Excuse me, sir? Do you know how to change a tire? Yes.
Oh, good.
Because I am just having such a terrible day.
I just told my therapist that I love him, and he didn't say it back.
And now I have a flat tire and I've got to get out of here because I love Dr.
Kershaw! I changed my mind.
You're crazier than you are cute.
I am so tired of hearing that! Come on, you mother! Come on! Christine? Oh, God.
What are you doing here? Well, I park down here.
Along with the other doctors.
I think the better question is, why are you parked in Dr.
Rice's and Dr.
Bartoli's space? Okay you know what? Could you just keep moving? I don't need any help from you.
It looks like you do.
No.
I have got this under control.
Don't you have AAA? At $35 dollars a year? No, thank you.
All my money's going to pay someone to not love me.
All right, all right.
Don't be such a baby.
Would you let me help you? Come here.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to pour out your heart to somebody, only to have them reject you to your face? You know, it just feels horrible.
Listen to me.
I know what happened up there was uncomfortable for you.
But if we're going to get past this, we're going to need to discuss your feelings for me.
Oh, my God.
Christine, I'm serious.
It's important we talk about this.
You know what? On second thought, I'm good.
What? I don't love you anymore.
Hey, look what I got.
What is that? It's a bra, Matthew.
It's where the boobs go.
I know what it is.
Why do you have it? It's that cute girl's.
I mixed up some of your laundry, and I took this out of the dryer.
She's going to come up here to look for it, and then you can make your move on her.
She put her bra in the dryer? I don't think you're supposed to do that with delicates.
.
God, smell this.
Is that fabric softener, or is that boob? Um, is that my bra? Uh, it was in with our laundry, and we were just trying to determine who, uh Oh, yeah, I-I think we have a match.
Here.
Uh, I'm Matthew, by the way.
I'm Hannah.
I'm Richard.
Yocan call me Rick.
How about Dick? I'm not talking to you.
Well, nice meeting you.
Thank you.
I'm not talking to you.
Don't let her be your Adrienne Barbeau, Matthew.
Hey, Hannah.
Uh, I was wondering if you'd like to get a drink sometime? How about now? Now's good.
Now's real good.
Hey, Rick, back off.
So, you don't want to talk about it? No, I don't need to.
I'm, uh, not in love with you anymore.
You're not? Nope.
Totally over it.
'Cause it's been, like, 30 minutes.
You were basically dying of heartbreak in my office.
Wh-What's going on? I don't know.
I just realized you're right, you know.
This isn't real love.
I shouldn't have said I love you.
I was thong-- wrong.
You're wearing a thong.
Oh, God.
You saw that? Yeah, well, I mean, when you were bending over, I saw your whale tail peeking out of your jeans.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
This is bad.
Please let me explain.
No, you don't have to explain, okay? I mean, my therapist can wear women's underwear if he wants to.
No! It's not women's underwear.
M-My sister is trying to market the male thong.
Or "mong," as she calls it.
Oh, good.
It's not a thong, it's a mong.
That's so much better.
Yeah, I love you again.
I-I told her I'd wear the prototype and-and give her feedback.
I got some feedback for you.
Yuck.
I'm trying to fix your tire here! And-and I was just trying to do my sister a favor.
Ever since her divorce, I-I've been encouraging her to find her passion.
Who knew her passion would be turning me into a Victoria's Secret model.
Th-That's what you get for being a good guy.
And, hey, hey.
So you're suddenly off me because I'm wearing a mong? A-Are you really that fickle and shallow? Yes, I'm really that fickle and shallow.
I once broke up with a guy 'cause he was in a barbershop quartet.
What's wrong with being in a barbershop quartet? Anyway, what do you care? You don't even like me.
So what if I don't like your thong? Mong.
It's a mong.
Okay, whatever.
You know what, I-I'm going to go and finish fixing your tire because I am a gentleman.
And I will thank you kindly not to stare.
Well, that I cannot promise.
Oh, uh, let me get you a refill.
Not really a sipper, are you? How's it going? Uh, yeah, it's, uh, very well, I think.
Every time she laughs, she touches my knee.
Oh, that's so awesome.
Just give me the signal when you want me to clear out.
What kind of a signal? Matthew, can I see your bedroom? That's the signal.
Okay.
Get the hell out, Rick.
Hi, Dad.
Ritchie.
What are you doing here? You said I could have some friends over today, remember? Of course.
I remember all our conversations.
H-How long is the playdate, did we say? Uh, Richard, could we come in? It's all apartment-y out here.
I saw some people getting their mail.
Girls, go on inside.
Don't be afraid.
Remember, we went to Nanny's apartment once and nothing bad happened.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Yeah, I'll have a Diet Coke.
Oh, me, too.
And a shrimp cocail.
Who are you talking to? Ooh, on second thought, I'll have a Cobb salad Ooh, and a chardonnay.
Yeah.
And could we get some bread for the table? And why are we still standing in the foyer? You know what, I'm just gonna get my food to go.
All right.
Uh, I'm sorry, Hannah.
Richard forgot that my nephew has a playdate.
And those women think they're at a restaurant.
I-I think we're going to have to postpone this.
No! No, you can't.
Hannah, what about your place? Uh, my roommate runs her businessut of our apartment.
It's not the best.
What aut Christine's place? It's the middle of the workday; she'll be at home.
Matthew, it's me.
Oh, you're not gonna believe this.
I told Max I loved him, and it didn't go well.
And now I'm stranded in a parking garage with a flat tire.
Call me back.
I knew she was gonna do it.
I got to go get her.
I swear to you, Matthew.
If you go rescue your sister instead of taking that woman back to your sister's empty house, I will never forgive you.
Don't you understa,ur sister I'm living through you now.
n It's over for me.
Let me tell you a story.
No, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I-I'll do it, I'll do it.
Uh, Hannah, I'm sorry.
I know this is a little crazy, but I'll go anywhere where Rick isn't.
There.
Think we did it.
Or I did it.
You just stood there sending pictures of my butt crack to Barb.
Would you give me that phone.
Barb says "LMAO," by the way.
Oh, f fiddle! Fudge fiddle! Fiddle poop! Your spare was flat! Wh No, my spare wasn't flat.
You put the same flat tire back on! And seriously fiddle poop? I have never met anybody who hates swearing as much as you do.
Okay, that's funny.
Stop-- Don't laugh, Christine.
I'm-- really, I don't like that.
Why? What's going to happen? Are you going to go ape-poop on me? It's hardly funny.
I spent three hours doing that.
Four hours.
And I called 15 people to come and help me, no one called me back.
God, not even e person gives a crap that I'm stranded alone in a parking garage.
What? N-Nobody cares about you.
What?! Oh! That's not fu-- That's funny? Wow.
Maybe you should try calling Tony Danza.
No, I'm not allowed to.
This is the stupidest day.
I-I just put a flat tire back on a car, you told me you love me, and I have got a wedgie like you wouldn't believe.
Ow.
Oh.
Oh.
You don't have any water back here, do you? Uh I don't know.
Not really much of a water girl.
Oh.
Oh, I got some groceries though.
I got some crackers and cheese and wine.
Picnic.
Mmm.
Nice and warm.
Hey, I'm sorry I gave you so much grief about, you know, your thong.
Actually, I think it's kind of sexy.
Really? No.
But I mean, I think it's nice that you're so close to your sister.
It's like me and Matthew.
You're not going to tell a bunch of people about my mong, right? Oh, I don't think there's anyone who is not going to hear about your mong.
I'm sorry.
I understand.
What's wrong? What are you wearing? What? Oh, you felt that? That's a mong.
See, um, there's this guy at work whose sister That's why you were smelling my bra.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, they're thongs for men.
They're mongs.
You're a freak.
You like ladies underwear.
No, no, no.
But I'm a great, great lover.
Ew.
I hate that word.
See? We're perfect for each other! Okay Oh! What are we doing? I thought you didn't like me.
You kidding? Ow! Oh! I've liked you since the minute I saw you.
Oh! I knew it.
See? I'm not crazy.
Well Well, it doesn't matter.
I was right.
I like you, you like me.
I am a terrible therapist.
But you're a fantastic kisser.
This is so unprofessional! Then you're fired.
Thank you.
Damn it.
So then Adrienne Barbeau said, "Please tell me you're legal.
" But I got scared.
So I got on my bike and I rode away.
Oh.
Oh.
And then he got on his bike and rode away.
And I never saw him again.