The Office (US) s05e12 Episode Script

What's this? Looks like a red wire.
That wasn't here before.
It's a computer, Dwight.
I mean, computers have wires.
Yours doesn't.
Doesn't it? It's going in a different direction than the other wires.
I'm really busy.
I can't talk about this anymore.
- Just shut up, Phyllis.
- Get outta here.
What are you doing? I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School.
Crazy.
What a deal.
He'll be fine.
I made it up there.
Proofreading: So.
& Valpi Episode 5x12 "Prince Family Paper" What you talking about, Wallace? Hi, Michael.
How are you? - I'm well.
How are you? - Very good.
So, listen, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.
Have you not? Correct, and I was wondering if I could get you to do the fieldwork that would normally go to the supervisor.
OK, there's an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook where we've never done any business.
There's a small company there, Prince Paper.
I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company.
But we've been talking about going after their market.
So I was hoping you could do some fact-finding for me.
I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.
Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur? This is important, Michael.
Then e-mail it, David.
- You've got no taste, Stanley Hudson.
- I do.
- What are you talking about? - Some actress.
Whether she's hot.
- Who's the gal in question? - Hilary Swank.
- Not at all.
- She's got mean eyes.
- Have you seen her with her bangs? - She looks like a monster.
She is a beautiful movie star.
So, maybe we should just go to work.
- She is an amazing actress.
- But that's not the question.
- She's not hot.
- Thank you, Phyllis.
Why don't we just put this to a vote? Then we'll be done with it.
- I'm not voting.
- No one cares.
Who thinks that Hilary Swank is hot, raise your hand.
And who thinks that Hilary Swank is not hot, raise your hands.
Five.
Five to five.
- Thank you, accounting department.
- So what do we do now? What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her to get their secrets? - I will seduce her.
- No, I wanna seduce her.
- Let me seduce her.
Michael, please - No I got it.
- You'll fall in love with her.
- Yeah.
So what if I did? That would take precedence, and I would expect your support.
Let's go over the plan again.
I'm a local business owner.
I need to buy paper.
I find out everything about their prices and policies.
- Your fictious name? - Michael Scarn.
I am a paper salesman looking for a new job.
I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Then we meet at Denny's, and we compare notes.
No, I never said Denny's.
Ihop.
No, I said Denny's.
You know how I feel about Ihop.
- Don't start.
- Are you a socialist? I don't want to get into this debate again.
- I enjoy Ihop.
- I'll have a cup of coffee.
You will have pancakes, and you'll like it.
- The store next to them is for lease.
- So what? It means they're not expanding.
Maybe they're shrinking.
They could be shrinking.
Because the sign is centered perfectly above their store.
No sign of the sign being moved.
It's lunchtime.
But no sign of anyone coming in or out, which means they're not taking new customers out to lunch.
They're not acquiring new business.
So once again, no growth.
And there are clouds.
Clouds in the sky.
That means it's gonna rain.
Bad for business.
It would if they were altocumulus, not cirrostratus.
Why do you OK.
- Whatever.
Shut up.
- Get your clouds right.
You go in now, I'm gonna go in in exactly ten minutes.
We have never met each other.
We are complete strangers.
We're gonna need a signal to bolt outta there in case there is danger.
And that signal is Lick your lips.
Try it.
No, like this.
Good.
Ready to do this? All right.
Here come the sharks.
In nature, there's something called the food chain.
It is where the shark eats the little shark, and the little shark eats the littler shark.
And so on until you get down to the single-cell shark.
So now, replace sharks with paper companies.
And that is all you need to know about business.
How can I help you? My name is Michael Scarn.
I am a local business owner, and I would like to find out about your company.
Please come in.
- What kind of business are you in? - We're a law firm.
I assume your primary paper needs are stationery, general office.
I'll be honest with you about something.
Where I used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients, and I just didn't feel like a priority.
So, I guess my question to you would be, how many clients do you have? - About 80.
- Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
It's just me, my wife and my son.
So when When did you set up shop? I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Vietnam.
I hear it's lovely.
Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments.
Topic.
- Hilary Swank is attractive.
- Hot.
The debate is whether she's hot.
What difference? Attractive, hot We're talking about the same thing here.
Huge difference.
A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.
OK! T.
M.
I.
So even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock? You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
That is because I am a genius.
Really? Well, about some things.
And other things, I'm just I'm very stupid.
Like watch this.
Is this the cup? Is this the cup? Is this what I drink out of? Laughter is my job.
Tears are my game.
Law is my profession.
I'd like to apply for a job.
I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Why don't you just get rid of this guy? That's my son.
I'm your son now.
You can visit him on holidays.
Dwight Schrute.
I'm a paper salesman at a second-tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin.
I'm the top salesman there, and I'm looking for a new challenge.
I would say you guys have what? - 40 high-volume clients? - Try 80.
I've got 90 clients myself.
Better look out.
Someone might run you out of business.
I sure hope not.
Me too.
I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures.
We don't really see them as real, so therefore, we don't judge them as real people.
Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.
- Come on.
- Shut up, Kevin.
But he's making all these fancy - It's a gut thing.
- That's fair.
Kev, do me a favor.
Why don't you close your eyes? Now imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real.
She walks over to you and she says, "Kevin Malone, "I just read your online profile "and there's nothing I'd rather do than make out with you right now.
" Now you tell me something Is she hot? Does that end the debate? Or What are you doing? It's "is she hot?", not "would you do her?" Respect the game.
This close.
So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin? My boss.
Do tell.
His insensitivity could border on the cruel.
This is a man who does not listen to the needs of his underlings.
- He's way - How's the interview going? - Very well.
- Don't blow it.
Linda, can I get a picture of you? - You want a picture of me? - I would.
Could you just stand right over here? That would be great.
Just something to remember the trip by.
Just a little to your left.
There you go.
Good.
- Perfect.
- Can I have a copy of that? Grandma, I can't do this.
What's going on? Little homework over here? - Let's see if I can help.
- Right there.
Math.
That's not so hard.
There are four of these.
Ignore the parenthesis, right? Why is this little two so small? It's weird.
You just don't Just go by the "x.
" The "x" means "times.
" So that means four times x-two.
What is double four? - Eight.
- Right.
Excellent.
Way to go.
Nice.
Don't put that.
Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I kept expecting a second plot twist where we found out that Hilary Swank actually was a boy.
I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, and I don't even get the discussion.
Hot is a temperature, people.
But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said.
So, yes She's hot.
She's hot as heck.
She's a female Boris Becker.
Nice.
Thank you very much for all of your help.
Going to be an incredibly hard decision.
Wait.
Let me get something for you here.
Here's some some references.
Our top clients.
You call any of them, I trust you'll hear some good things.
- All right, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Excuse me, sir.
I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you.
Of course.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for your time.
I cannot wait to contact your clients.
I look forward to getting your calls.
Bye now.
So long.
We struck the mother lode! - Come on! - Wallace is gonna freak! He is going to absolutely freak.
Someone's looking out the window.
Go.
Peel out.
Go! Shoot.
- We You drove over the thing.
- I know.
- God, what was that? - That's not good.
Come on.
She's hot.
OK? Because if you are saying that Hilary Swank isn't hot, then you're saying I'm not hot, because, obviously, I'm not as hot as Hilary Swank.
Darn it.
- Come on.
- Man.
- My car! - Are you all right? - Not good.
- Is everyone OK? - It sounded bad.
- We're fine.
We're fine.
You folks have done enough already.
You've done more than you could possibly know.
Dwight, just shut We're just gonna call a tow truck.
A tow truck is gonna charge you - Let me take a look.
- No, you know He drove over the divider and then backed over it.
It caused I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna grab my tool box.
Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full Internet access.
Wait, what? See that? The obvious symmetry of the face.
It's the natural appeal of the scientific standard of koinophilia, features that are a composite average of many features.
Yes, she's attractive, but she is not hot.
How much longer is this gonna take? Let me give you some money for this.
No, I sit all day.
It's nice working with my hands.
Coffee.
That's too much nice.
You're welcome.
Disgusting.
What is this, instant? That ought to do it.
It's all better.
Gosh, well, so long.
- That looks great.
- Drive safe.
Look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Good-bye, Prince Family.
Should be called the Sucker Family.
"Here you go, shark.
"Let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth, "while I'm at it.
" Suckers.
I'm just saying All I'm saying is Kevin's not necessarily a feminist.
What will happen to that family if I call Wallace and give him this information? It's simple.
Wallace would use that information to destroy them.
Our sales are fine.
We're doing fine.
They're doing fine.
- Could be better.
- Why don't we live and let live? - Live and let live.
- I'm not familiar with that.
It's a James Bond It doesn't make any sense.
Of course, I'm alive.
- I'm not going to make this call.
- Michael, you have to.
Have you ever seen a lioness devour her cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a racoon devour a squirrel? My heart says no.
Your heart is a wonderful thing.
But it makes some terrible decisions.
That's true.
- That's true.
- Gosh.
It has gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Jan, Ryan Save your heart for love and use your brain for business.
Right? If we don't do this to Prince Paper, then someone else will.
Or worse yet someone else will do it to us.
I am trying to be more optimistic in life.
I've got, what? And my family history says I have less.
Now the old Stanley Hudson would have found something to complain about with this actress.
But that's no way to live life.
Look at this healthy, sexy, pretty, strong young woman.
Come on.
She is hot.
And it was a terrible war.
So many died.
Far too many died.
But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
You're right.
You are right.
I will call Wallace, and I will give him the customer list.
And I will give him all of my info.
You are doing the right thing.
Good.
So - Where are you going? - Just something I have to do first.
- Where are you taking the client list? - Someplace safe where it can't hurt anyone.
Michael, get back here! Don't do this! Shoot.
Freeze.
Stop.
Give me the list! - I can't let you do this.
- Those people will be ruined! It's business! It's not personal! Give it! Dwight, give it! We can't do this! Those people It's over, Michael.
It's over.
I'm not a shark.
OK, time for the final vote.
All those in favor of the resolution, "Hilary Swank is hot"? And all those opposed.
- It's just ridiculous.
- That's the thing.
People just got entrenched in the view they had in the first place.
I can tell when I was talking, you were not listening.
This is great stuff, Michael.
You are a titan of industry, pal.
Good work.
I'll be in touch.
Thanks, buddy.
Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy? I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment.
It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family.
But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job.
That's why I hate bittersweet chocolate.
I don't even What's the point of that? Why not just sweet? I mean, who are you helping? - What is this? - Hilary Swank.
She's hot.
Damn it!