Workaholics s05e12 Episode Script

Oh, milk it, Dersy.
- Ho ho ho ho! - Oh! Milk the mother teat.
Man, it is hella cool when, like, the moon is out during the day.
- How does that even work? - I don't know.
When you think about it, the stars are still there, and, like, they just keep going, you know? They go on for, like, forever, like foreverever.
- Foreverever? - Yeah.
It's like Joe Rogan says.
We're just talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
And also, his thoughts on, like, if a girl won't [bleep.]
upon your balls, you guys aren't meant - to be together.
- Smart.
It's funny, 'cause it's true.
Well, you heard how he said, like, imagination is the force behind our evolution.
And I think he's he's right.
When I was a kid, my imagination was ridiculousness.
Like I was always coming up with stuff.
Think of all the different paths you could have taken in your life.
I could have tooken so many paths.
I could have been a trombone player, like "Nah Orleans," just blowing my bone! Or I could have been, like, a cop, but a dirty one, you know? - cop.
- Or like a porno star, Right? But not just like a regular porno dude.
Like a star, dude.
Like, "Oh, here comes Adam with his big hog - all greased up.
- Ha ha! That, I feel is a real calling that I missed.
- I'd watch you bone.
- Thank you.
- I definitely would.
- Thank you.
But you know what, you don't even have to sweat that, man, because, really, when you think about it, life doesn't even really get good until you're, like, 70.
- You know? - Yeah.
Like being an old dude is awesome, like not having to do anything but sit around, watch cartoons, and smoke the herb, bro? That's gonna be tight.
Isn't that what you do already? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but when you're 70, your dick won't work.
You can't star in pornos.
Dude, they got medicine for that.
- Yeah.
Dicks work forever now.
- Oh! Oh, oh, ooh! Big dipper! This is my year! - It's just that guy - Yeah, it's the guy across the street.
You don't even need the telescope for that.
Whoo! Starting defense! Place at the table, baby! Whoo! Whoa, d-- Okay.
- Uh - I didn't mean to do that.
Hey, thanks for the smoothies.
- Oh, honestly - Smooth move, operator.
It's N-D-B because I do generous stuff like buy smoothies for my bros quite often.
Yeah, No, you don't.
Actually, I think you've stolen from us a couple times.
Bunch of times.
I would consider myself a Robin Hood of the crew.
I'll say that.
Plus in order to be happy, you have to make others happy, and that's a Joe Rogan quote.
- Mm-hmm.
- That reminds me of one of my favorite Roganisms: And I know what it is, and I'm gonna stop ya.
It's, uh, "If a girl can lift weights with her pussy, she's gotta be an unstoppable freak.
" Am I right? That's a good one, but no.
It's actually-- "If you get cancer from a cell phone, - you're a pussy!" - Also good.
But, no, I was it's that "Robin Hood can suck it.
" Which I thought was pretty funny, and you were talking about it and - What's on your leg? - Ha.
Huh? Oh, my-- Hi.
Hundreds, different colors and sizes.
Hey, Alice, so we found this kid, and he didn't have a leash, and we don't know the last time he's been let out to poop, so we don't know where he came from.
I mean, we have a guess as to whose it is.
I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old, and I'm not proud of that.
I should have been at least I mean, I think the math works out that this could be my child.
- He's mine.
- Oh.
Leave this kid alone for five goddamn seconds, he gets into all kinds of trouble.
Yeah.
God damn it.
Uh, guys, this is Mr.
Gainey.
He's from Stock Surplus.
He's here to buy up all those old mirrors that you couldn't sell.
- Remember those? - It's tough to sell mirrors - over the phone.
- Well, this is his son Josh, who Jillian is supposed to be watching.
- Jillian! - What's up? I'm just hanging out with Josh.
Hey, Josh! Why'd you disappear, huh? Don't you want to play with the worms? Huh? Come on, the worms are our friends.
This is Carla, and that's her ex-husband Roddy I don't want to play with her--she sucks! Hey! Hey! Watch your mouth! Okay? We don't use the S-word.
Jeff lets me say it at Mom's house.
Jeff is an idiot tennis instructor.
And does this look like your mom's house? - I wanna play with them! - Ow! - Oh, yeah.
- Do you mind? He's just gonna whine and whine until he gets his way.
Kinda like his mother in that way.
Yeah, look, um, I just think it's probably a better idea - if he stays with Jillian.
- Yes.
No.
Alice, it's mine.
I get to keep it.
What? Why? Why can't we watch him? - Because-- - Well, because we're dumb.
And we're irresponsible and we're idiots and we're stupid.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly right, Adam--thanks.
Hang on a second.
Uh I'm sorry.
I think we can handle one little dude.
Right? I mean, uh When I was a lifeguard, I Well, unfortunately, that's probably not the best example.
- I wanna go with them.
- Yes.
- I like them.
- Yeah! Would it be okay? Yeah, sure.
That's fine.
- Perfect! - Alice, take this one out.
He's quiet and little.
I named him Waymond Wormano.
You--no! - I like kids.
- Yeah.
What the-- my strawberry Surf Rider! Do not drink the floor smoothie! Don't--get up, get up, get up, get up.
You've been Bill Cosby'd.
You've been Bill Cosby'd.
I Bill Cosby'd myself.
But instead of, like, a date rape drug, it's, like I put peyote in the smoothies.
What? Why? I was trying to get on like a spiritual level, like like when we were on the roof, you know, like talking about cool like cool stuff about imagination and stuff.
Petote at work? - Yeah! - Yeah, well as Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said "it was the bomb diggidy.
" Do not make up Joe Rogan quotes--that is not okay! - I'm paraphrasing, okay? - No.
No.
Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? - Yeah! We could have just - Yeah.
- smoked a bunch of weed - Hah hah hah hah! Babysit the kid We Seth Rogen ourselves all the time.
This is different-- I was trying to Joe Rogan us.
Where's the kid? - Kid? Kid! - Where's the kid? Who remembers his name? Uh--it's Jash like the YouTube channel.
- Kid - Wait, um - Mm-mm, mm-mm! - You guys, I'm starting to feel weird.
There he is! Oh oh what's happening? It's kicking in.
Here it comes! Peyote! What? Oh--God! - Oh - Just--we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go! Go What's happening? Oh! - Oh! - Oh, my God! Oh! I'm okay! Okay, are you all right? Oh! Oh, it's a black hole! - Oh - No! - Oh! - No! Oh.
Oh, God.
Come on! Wait, no, no, wait-- Oh! It's pretty normal now! It's kind of fun! Oh - Oh-- - There he is.
Hey! You can't just run off like that, okay? You can get killed running down that hallway.
I'm just bored--I want us to all color together! Uh Hey, it's almost lunchtime.
We gotta get out of here now, man, go somewhere quiet where we can be alone.
I know just the place where no one goes - the office gym.
- Good call.
We'll put this little dude on the elliptical, tucker him out, and then we'll just wait for the peyote to wear off.
- Okay.
- Someone make a copy of my coloring book so we can all color together.
- Okay, we'll do that.
First-- - Hey! Listen to me! I said I want us to color together now! - Yeah, whatever you want, man.
- If you want to color, - we'll color.
- Adam, go make some copies of the coloring book, and Blake, go find some markers and pens, right? And since I'm the llllest, I guess'l'll take theiaia t to the gym.
Waaahhh! Okay.
Okay.
We're here and, uh, why don't you just play in that corner or something until Blake and Adam get back, okay? But I wanna play a game.
I wanna play hide and go seek! Uh, that's too bad, because games are for children, and I'm a grownup.
Let's play zookeeper.
I'm the zookeeper, and you're a bird.
I'm not a bird.
I'm a man, okay? And just don't turn into a giant again, please.
Then why do you have wings, ya bird? I don't have-- Oh, my God.
What the hell? Aah! Buuuawwwk! Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm a bird? I'm a bird? I'm a buuwwwaaak! Fly, Mr.
Bird, fly! Oh, my God! I'm flying! Look at me, Mr.
Zookeeper! Excuse me.
Hey, somebody missing their grandma? Hey, lady, that's my desk.
Ah ha ha ha ha! I'm messing with you! It's a joke, you bitch! Whoa you're old me.
Yes! Hello! Sick, dude! Do--wow.
I'm--the hair looks sick.
Oh, my God, thank you.
It's like cobwebs.
It's awesome.
- Yeah.
Chicks dig it.
- That is very cool.
Hey, what's the deal with the chick thing? Are we getting laid a lot or do we have a wife? Oh, hell, no! Oh, no.
Me and that ho-bag Jillian, we got a divorce when I caught her chorging Bill in the parking lot.
What? Wow--ugh--man.
I'm sorry about that.
Best thing that ever happened to me! Now I go to the potluck/orgy every week.
Lotta chicks.
Some dudes, too.
I don't care.
We're so old, it doesn't matter.
You know, play it where it lies.
That's-- That's gross! It's not gross.
It's love.
Why do you work here? Why don't you just quit? Because it rules, dude.
What are you talking about? All I do all day is watch cartoons and well, smoke weed.
- Yeah! - Actually, I don't have to hide it.
I smoke it right in daylight.
W--you can do that? You kidding me? I can smoke it.
I grow it too.
Yeah, [bleep.]
Carl.
I don't need him.
Bbbbbbbuh-ah! W--you're-- you're and I'm-- Sergeant Adam DeMamp, RCPD.
You're a dirty cop.
Hey, uh, what do you say we get outta here, go shake down some small business owners huh? You can use my gun I would love to threaten someone.
I know that about you.
But I ain't no pig.
No.
I hope somebody ordered sausage! - Ho.
Ho ho.
- I know you, man.
I know this path.
I'm so glad I didn't become you.
Ha ha! Yeah, right Oh, my God! Your dick is huge.
If I would have delivered pizzas, my dick would have been huge.
Whassup? My name's Adam, "The Human Jump Rope" DeMamp.
I'm an adult film star.
Peep this! Oh! Oh! It's still coming! Oh, it's coming through the cardboard Mine-- Mine's out on the first pull.
I don't even need to pull, I actually--I flick mine out.
Whoo! Michael Keaton should be eatin' a bat, 'cause I'm the real Birdman! You're a zoo bird! And it's time for you to go back in your cage! What? No, but I feel so free up here! I'm the zookeeper, and I said get back in your cage.
But you said I could fly! You said I could be free! Squawk, squawk! You belong to the zoo! Oh! Aah! Ha ha ha! Freakin' bird brains! And there's a dude right there, isn't there? Yeah, Trombone Adam, you are good! Do you know any Matchbox Twenty? That's not my bag.
I dig jazz.
You still play? I don't, actually.
I stopped in the eighth grade.
I was gettin' pretty serious at masturbating at the time, so Understandable.
I guess I only had time for one bone in my life.
How 'bout you play my bone, baby? Heh heh heh heh! Okay, yeah I'll toot your bone.
Come with me to New Orleans.
Play with me and the boys.
I tell ya what.
You make some serious bread! You guys make bread too? You a [bleep.]
idiot.
- Pffttt-ffftt--pffftt-- - Hey! Are you done? Yes.
I am done, I Oh, man.
Ooh, baby! I can do whatever I want, man.
I got dirt on everybody.
Old, wrinkly, tight butthole is what you are.
Here.
Take a rip.
Wow, man.
I'm so proud of you.
You got it all figured out, man! - I do.
- That's what I'm talking about! So like Like like what's the secret? Well, it all started when Joe Rogan became President of the aaaahhhhhhh! Aah! Aah! What are you-- what are you doing? That thing was about to burn your face off.
Oh And if you ever let my wife chorg you, I'll have your head on a stick! Hey, what's chorg? Google it.
Squawk, squawk, squawk! Let me outta this cage! - Anders! - Squawk! Anders, stop it! Hi.
I was a bird! There was a zookeeper.
He shot me, and he put me in this cage.
- Just shut up right now! - Wait a minute! Where--where--where's the kid? Where's, uh, J-Jash? The kid, he went to his office.
That door.
Which is a closet.
Hey, how is it going? Is everything okay with the kid? Yeah - Yeah, it's great.
- Yes.
This kid is so full of energy.
It's like, makes me feel young again.
Oh, kids.
Oh, man.
They are so much fun when they're that age.
- Yeah.
- When they're - Four? - No.
Yeah, he's eight.
So where the hell is he? Uh, he's - He's hiding.
- Yeah.
He's--shh.
We're playing hide and seek, and he's in that closet, so everything's That door goes out to the parking lot, you lunatics! Go find him! - Is it time? - Seek time! It's seek time! I got it, I got it.
Ha ha.
- Ha ha ha ha! - Just grab it, man.
It's too fast, Alice.
Alice, are we going to your office? Uh, yep, I'll be right there, Dave.
I got it! I got it! I got it, it's-- The door, see? I have it, then we're gonna go walk outside of it.
Get him nooooow! Gosh! Okay! Whoa! There he is.
Okay, uh, yeah.
I guess we should try to jump over to that island? No way, it's too far.
We're not gonna make it.
Let's just go back, okay? Good call, man.
Good call.
Son of a b ack door's gone! The back door's gone! - Yep.
- I wanna go back.
Guys, we can at least try and make this jump, right? Yeah.
Heck, yeah.
We got this, dude.
Psych up.
Psych up, bro, we got this! On three, on three! One two, three! I'm going! I'm going! No-- Aah! Hey! Get off that! - Oh, shoot.
- Hey, we're tripping on peyote, so what can you do, you know? Get the fuck out of my cement.
- You got it, you got it.
- Yep.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, over there.
Come on.
- Let's go, let's go! - Go! - Careful.
- Hey! Ow! Josh! Come on! Jash, Jash! - Jash? - All right, son, playtime's over.
Come on out, okay? Come on! - Jash? - Come on! Hey, there he is! Okay, I'll go this way.
- I'm gonna get this one.
- Yeah, I-I got him.
Hey, Adam, over here.
Got you, dude! - You stupid! - Hah hah hah! Have you guys seen Jash? He's like this little kid I'm looking for.
He's like 9 or 12.
Hey, how 'bout you quit chasing around little kids, come with me.
We'll eat some, uh Chicago deep dish pizza! - That sounds good.
- It's like God jizzed in your mouth.
You wanna be God, dude? Freakin' bone a bunch of chicks on camera and have a million dudes beat off to you, bro! I don't think so! That does sound awesome.
The first part.
The second part, I'm The second part's cool.
You wanna be worshipped, Adam? Come play jazz festival with me tonight.
That sound--that sounds cool, but I'm--I am busy.
I love crawfish, though.
Josh! Josh, where are you? - Oh! - Hey, hey.
It's all good.
Come here.
Hey, what's up, old me? Have you seen that little dude run by? Getting kinda worried about him.
Hey, Ders'll handle it, man.
Quit being a bitch.
Don't you wanna know what it's all about, huh? - Josh, where are you? - Squawk, squawk! Hey, come fly with me.
No, no, I can't.
I gotta find Josh.
No, forget that.
Let's go fly, man.
We'll go to the beach.
We'll crap on people's heads and steal chicks' bikinis! Squawk! That actually sounds kind of awesome.
It's very satisfying.
Come on, I wanna tell you what it's all about, man.
Hell, yeah.
Hell-- No! No, no, no, no.
- No.
No, stop! - Come on! - Shut up! - Don't be a bitch.
- Smoke a doobie with me.
- That sounds awesome, okay? - But I can't! - You little pussy! I already know what the meaning of life is about.
- The meaning of life is - Why don't you go wash your pussy, pussy? Is finding that kid right now, 'cause, yeah, I don't wanna prove Alice right again, man.
I'm not an irresponsible idiot, okay? What? Responsible? Okay! Suck my [bleep.]
, all right? - Come here, bro! - Come on, my brother.
- Come on, dude.
- Don't make me! I may be an irresponsible idiot, and I'm definitely an idiot, but I'm not about to show that to Alice.
I do--I disagree with that.
Guys, I know what we have to do! We gotta break the mirrors.
Dude, do not break the mirror.
Be prepared to be broken! - No! - No, stop it! Don't, bro! I mean it, bro! Look what I found.
- Don't make me come back-- - No! But watch it, bro! - Squawk, squawk! - Sorry, boys.
Don't break me! You gotta fly solo on this one, - because - Don't break me! Do not break me! You have no power over me.
Squawk, squawk, no-- Don't! Hey, no! Oh, no, bro! Oh, no, baby.
Aah! Aah! Yes! - Get ready to be impressed - Whoo! 'Cause you are gonna love-- Oh Hey, h--hola! What up? Uh, what the hell happened to all these mirrors that I just sold to Mr.
Gainey for a huge sale? Oh, my God.
Where's that little monster? Did he cause this? - Well, you know - Uh We were playing hide and go seek, and Josh was running around and, uh - We were all running around - Everybody was running - at the same time, so - I didn't do this.
I'm not talking to you.
Look at this! God! Alice I'm really sorry about these mirrors, okay? I'm gonna pay for all of them.
Oh I'm sorry this had to happen.
Yeah, well, not as sorry as he's gonna be.
This trip is dark, dude.
Good for nothing!