30 Rock s05e13 Episode Script

Back to the top.
One more time, guys.
Everyone, I need your attention! Gather up! I said everyone, Sketch-Tron 6000.
Mr.
Hank Hooper, the owner of our new parent company, KableTown, is touring 30 Rock for the first time today.
I will make a good first impression, so I need all of you to be your most normal.
Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from.
Do not mention the underwater city of Sauronicon, got it.
Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling out of your system.
If you don't volumize my hair, I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig! Very good.
Frank, how's your armpit thing? Not great.
It's almost touching my thigh thing.
Okay, let's do our best.
Remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves.
Lemon, meet me in my office in 10.
I need to ask you something.
Do you need sex advice? Here's a tip.
Sometimes, a lady likes to leave her blazer on.
Sir, ma'am, this is for you a gift bag.
"To my two favorite sketch stars.
Your new friend, Hank Hooper.
" That's nice.
Actors deserve gifts.
Without us, who would present awards to actors? So, which one of us is gonna get this computer? Just kidding, we both are! Wow, I always wanted one of these! The box will make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear! There's two of everything! Look at us.
When we met four years ago, we were fighting about the silliest things dressing rooms, air time, you coming in and ruining my show.
You taking my nephew's virginity.
I feel we finally found a balance in our relationship.
There's only one.
You take it.
I don't care.
I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world! Lemon, this is a little delicate, but I wonder if you might take Avery shopping for baby things.
Oh.
Sure.
You know, a crib, small clothes, a tiny desk with a miniature pen set on it.
I don't know a lot about babies, but I know that Avery would enjoy having another woman go with her.
Of course.
I'm just a little surprised.
I assumed Avery would have a terrifying best friend she'd do stuff like that with.
Avery does have a sister, but Eugenia is currently institutionalized for nerves.
Lesbian.
And all of her work friends are out because she's still trying to keep her pregnancy a secret.
Really? She's eight months.
How is she possibly hiding it? Michael Kors is a friend.
We own a gay racehorse together.
And I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable for ladies this winter.
It's my fault for asking.
The problem is that Avery is very close to being named the financial reporter for "NBC Nightly News.
" If anyone finds out she's pregnant, she won't get the job.
See? That would never happen if men could get pregnant, which is the premise of my one-act play, "The Sea Horses of Warwickshire Abbey.
" Avery just needs to keep her condition under wraps until her contract is signed.
Unfortunately, her competition for the job is Carmen Chao from MSNBC.
Oh, I know her! Hey, what ethnicity is she? No one knows.
In international news, Mexican President Felipe Calderón is traveling this week to China to meet with Premier Wen Jiabao and then stopping for a well-deserved vacation in Negril, Jamaica, mon! If Carmen finds out Avery is pregnant, she'll use it to destroy her.
Carmen's very sneaky.
And that's not racist because I don't know what she is.
Man, we all lead such complicated lives.
Hey, do you want to go to that new popcorn place for lunch? I'm going to the Executive Dining Room to meet with Hank Hooper.
I can't wait to shake his hand.
You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake.
You are confident.
And you ate dinner in front of a mirror last night.
Carol's away a lot.
Ahoy there, Jack! Hank Hooper.
Nice to meet you.
I'm a hugger! Nope! It doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for 10 seconds! Yeah.
Well, it is an honor, sir, to finally I'm no sir, Jack.
Call me Hank or "Hey, idiot," like my wife does.
Kidding.
She's an angel! 'Sup, Jack? What are you doing here? No, it's fine, Jack.
KableTown's a family company, and where I come from, families eat together! This is no longer the Executive Dining Room.
It's the Everyone Dining Room! Welcome, everyone! This is where we used to hold retirement parties.
The balcony below is probably still littered with stripper bones.
Now there are people here wearing sandals.
Yeah.
Well, Isn't that nice? Listen, can I tell you how happy I am with the work you've done for us so far? It's been outstanding.
Thank you.
And believe me, I'm not done.
I'm working on something new right now that I think Room for a single? Sure.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you know who came up with the idea for the DVR? It was the guy who drives me home every night.
The original name for the DVR was "The Thing Carlos Thought Of.
" Since then, I make sure that, once a month, anyone who works here can pitch any idea they have to upper management.
Anyone? - I see.
- So, I want you to hear ideas all day tomorrow and then report back to me.
I'll be the guy wearing the Bugs Bunny tie! What is this green stuff? Wipe it off! Wipe it off! These pregnancy photos are so tacky.
They're like those knockoff bags you get in Chinatown.
Really? I like my Pradar bag.
Avery Jessup.
¡ Qué sorpresa! Carmen.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just love babies.
Love their creepy little hands and the way they crawl fast like a rat monster.
The question is, what are you doing here? Oh, she's here with me.
I'm pregnant, and Avery is helping me decide what kind of baby megaphone to buy.
Really? You're the pregnant one? Yeah.
Some dude jacked me, and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.
That's not how babies are made.
No, we're gonna go.
You're tired.
Oh, you'll find this interesting.
I'm working on a story right now about single mothers in their 40s.
- That's a great idea.
- So you'll be in it? Why wouldn't you be? You just said it was a great idea, and you're pregnant, right? So, by the Law of Verbal Traps, you have to do it.
Okay, Carmen.
I'll be in your story.
You can interview me at the new popcorn place on 11th Avenue.
No, we'll do it at your office.
Fine.
I'll just go to the popcorn place alone, even though all their advertising suggests it is a place for groups of friends to have a good time.
Hello.
Good sweatshirt to you.
How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt? Is everything all right, Tracy? I want that sweatshirt! No! You can't take this away from me, like you took away my show and my grandmother's jewelry chest! Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine? You gave this to me.
And I could take it back! I'm the star here! And if there's only one sweatshirt, the star should have it.
Look how gray it is! Just let me hold it for one second! Well okay.
But just one second.
You'll never get her! Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy! Miss Lemon, Carmen Chao called about an interview.
Is she doing an exposé on how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women? No, Kenneth, it's nothing.
I'm gonna call Jack and make it go away.
Check this out! I was up in the Everybody Dining Room sharing a table with B-Dubs here, and guess what he told me.
Okay, gossip alert! According to my colleague Carmen Chao, our friend Liz Lemon is pregnant! Dude, is that true? Are you pregnant? Isn't that wonderful news? Lemon told me this morning.
She got jacked big-time.
Lemon, a word? What the hell is going on? Thank you for covering for Avery last night, but now you're part of this.
And Carmen Chao is relentless, like a bloodhound perhaps literally.
We still don't know her genetic background.
So, what? Now people think I'm pregnant? Do I have to do this mom news story? There is no news story.
Carmen isn't getting anywhere with Avery, so she's trying to call your bluff.
Well, it is called.
I am telling everyone here that there's no way I could be pregnant because I have had my period for the last 61 days.
Lemon, please.
Avery's career has never been more important.
Because I just don't know what's happening with mine.
What? Why? The Everyone Dining Room, open office hours, memos with emoticons in them! If this is how KableTown does business, I don't know if I have a future here.
I'm Jack Donaghy.
Don Geiss gave me this watch for firing a man on his deathbed! So, wait, you might leave? I don't know if I can survive here.
So I need you to fake being pregnant to help my family.
I'm asking you as a friend.
How come when I try to get you to go to a murder-mystery party with me, it's all, "We're business colleagues, Lemon"? I don't know why I ever choose you as a friend.
Let's just be clear about this.
I chose you.
I heard the blessed news, Liz! May I kiss your stomach? Absolutely not.
Hello, beautiful.
It's Uncle Wutzy.
Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have a pitch meeting later.
You're a baby.
Yes, you are! Yes, you're a So, that's basically the show.
And my sidekick is a hot black chick who can read minds.
We need a button that switches from pornography to basketball immediately.
What you have isn't fast enough.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I can't answer! This'll just be a minute.
Did you check the light bulb? Please do not use that tone.
So much of television is really not fit for children or Christians or the elderly.
So, what if there was a black bar on the lower half of your TV screen that kept you from seeing bad things, like nudity or soccer? Congratulations.
Worst so far.
Liz, I never get anything! All I want is one sweatshirt! Don't listen to her! She's not me! - What is going on? - This is mine! The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth.
Hey, guys, lay off Liz, okay? You know, she's pregnant.
Really? Yeah.
Super pregnant.
Congratulations.
I am not interested in godfather duties.
Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
I'm sorry we were stressing you out.
We shouldn't do that.
It'll turn the child into a Dracula.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Give me the sweatshirt.
Problem solved.
Now no one gets it.
Pregnant! Now, get out of here! And hold hands like best friends on the way out! Wow.
That is like magic.
People are nice to pregnant ladies.
I'm gonna run downstairs.
Do you want anything? Remember, you're eating for two.
Well, I guess two egg sandwiches times two is four.
Good morning.
So, how did Co-worker Pitch Day go, Jack? Well, Employee Pitch Day was, of course, a new experience for me.
Speaking of new experiences, I ate at an Indian restaurant last night! I had naan! Sir I mean, Hank.
I appreciate that you have your way of doing things, but so do I.
I am a Six Sigma Black Belt Ultra with the groin branding to prove it.
What's Six Sigma? A rock band? I'd like to start this meeting by sharing one of my own ideas.
And after you hear it, maybe we can agree that Employee Pitch Day is time that could be better spent drinking and looking out the window.
Okay, Jack.
You're putting it on the line.
What have you got? Hank, what's the one part of the television experience that's not perfect? To me, it's the remote control.
Too easy to lose, right? Yes! I lose my remote all the time.
Grr, couch cushions! What if you didn't need a remote control because your remote control was your own voice? Television on! Channel NBC! crew out of the Bronx called the Ace of Deuces.
Amazing! I give you Voice Activation.
Word from my C.
I.
Is he got offed by That shouldn't happen.
TV on.
Voice Activation, or Vo-Act The only wit we have is some mute kid Unmute! My friends at the DEA say these guys have a high volume of cocaine - coming in from the docks.
- Low volume! Low volume! But first I want to go home and delete everything that's on my D VR.
Oh, come on! TV mute! Jack, that doesn't seem to work.
You got any other notions, or should we jump to employee ideas? No, no.
No.
I have another idea.
What if What if you had a black bar at the bottom of the screen that prevented you from seeing anything dirty? I like that.
I like that a lot.
It would allow parents to eliminate racy content, like soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey! That's a real family-company kind of idea, Jack.
And we could sell ads in the black bar, increase our revenue streams! You could call it "BlaBar.
" A-plus work, Jack! I don't need to hear anything else.
If that's the kind of ideas you're bringing nine, ten you will go far, son! Yeah.
Crap! Kenneth, we need to talk.
Earlier today, I told Hank Hooper about your black-bar concept, and he loved it.
However, I presented it as my own idea.
Wonderful! Next topic! What? No, this is an opportunity for you.
You have me over a barrel.
What are you going to do? Not what my uncle does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that! This is business, Kenneth.
All bosses steal from their employees.
But in return, the employee gets something.
You didn't steal anything from me, sir.
Last time I checked, best friends can't steal from each other.
Now, stop being a Silly Simon! This isn't how it works! You're the one being a Silly Simon! Carmen.
What are you doing here? Well, you didn't call back to schedule our interview, so I thought I'd just ambush you with some pregnancy questions.
I hope you're not unprepared.
Of course not.
When are you due? April 20th, Hitler's birthday.
- What's your pediatrician's name? - Dr.
Rufus T.
Barleysheath.
- Where was the baby conceived? - In my vagina.
- What names are you considering? - Rufus T.
Barleysheath.
- How are you feeling? - A little achy and nauseous, but I'm hanging in there.
- Are you pregnant? - No way that I'm not.
Owen.
Screw.
I don't know why you're doing this for Jessup.
She's a blonde.
Don't you know there's a war going on? Or you're doing it for her old-man husband.
He's your boss! First of all, Jack means nothing to me.
Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him, I don't care.
What? What's wrong with you? Almost everything, but let's get back to the interview.
We're done with that portion.
I thought it would be a fun visual if we got some B-roll of you taking sexy pregnancy photos where you bare your stomach like the pregnant bitch that you are.
What do you say? Let's take some pictures.
an innovation that is both family- and bottom-line friendly.
Gentlemen, I give you BlaBar.
You're really sexing me right now.
It's filthy.
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! One time, I saw a turtle Who the hell do you think you are? This is not the way the world works, Kenneth.
Bosses steal, and employees use it for leverage.
So, what do you want? Money? A promotion? I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, then you eat the bunny! Isn't that just Easter? And I don't want anything, sir.
I'm just happy to spend all day here helping my work family.
Family! I now work for a man who thinks like you! Does he also solve mazes by starting from the end? I need this, Kenneth.
I used you, now leverage it.
Blackmail me.
Demand to sleep with Avery.
Hit me! Hit me in the face! No, sir! Best friends don't I am ordering you to strike me.
There will be no retaliation.
But if you refuse, you're fired.
No, I don't even know how.
Do it! Hit me now! Oh, damn my Krav Maga training and lightning reflexes.
Release me, you hillbilly Circe! I am life! Revel in the glory of motherhood! Gaia flows through me! Rufus T.
Barleysheath is kicking! I know you're not pregnant! Why don't you just admit it? She's grabbing oil! Owen, run! Look how my belly glistens! What's going on, Jack? I was just about to hop on my bus back to Philadelphia.
I don't fly, but I've got my own bus with a pool table in it.
We'll drive to Branson together sometime, take in a Yakov Smirnoff show.
Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place? Yes, sir, but before you go, I want you to meet someone.
This is Kenneth Parcell, one of our pages.
Well, I didn't notice you there, son.
You do not have a lot of charisma! Kenneth is the one who came up with the BlaBar idea, not me.
I'm sorry I misled you.
Oh.
Well, Jack, I have to say I'm surprised.
Here is my letter of resignation.
It's probably for the best, since this is obviously not a good fit.
If you call security to escort me out, you should know I have several pistols hidden on me.
Hold on, Jack.
No one's quitting.
I'm impressed you told me that.
You have a reputation, Jack, as a shark.
KableTown we're not sharks.
We're more like whatever the friendliest fish is.
I'm not a science guy.
The point is, I wasn't sure how you were gonna fit in.
But you doing something like this tells me we're gonna be just fine.
Very well.
Good.
And Jack should give you something for that idea, son.
Finally, thank you! Quid pro quo.
But I don't want anything.
No? How about a hug? You've got to be kidding me.
Sir it doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for 10 seconds! You got that right, son! One Mississippi That's some good hugging.
And as excited as I am to be joining the team on "Nightly News," I will miss my dear friends here on basic cable.
But, Carmen, you have an exciting new assignment, right? Yes.
I will be covering hurricanes.
Thank you, Lemon.
I owe you.
If you want to make it up to me, I have my eye on a toilet pillow from a certain medical-supply store.
Avery and I want the baby's middle name to be Elizabeth, after you.
Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs.
Hey, Liz.
Can we get you anything? Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum? No, guys, I'm not really pregnant.
I was just pretending, to help Jack.
Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real.
It takes the same amount of time! No, Tracy, she lied to us.
And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals! You will be punished.
Can I have my nunchakus back? Or we could call it even.
Good God.
I have been punished.
These are yours to keep.
What? Who's the black guy? A bicycle messenger.
You took your pants off! What if there was a channel that's just the sounds of people having a party so you could put it on when you call your parents? You know what my TV is? A sunset.
How about a button you push on your remote and you can buy anything you see on TV? Like if you're watching "Sex and the City," and you just have to have Mr.
Big's spaghetti.
What if we executed someone live on TV? and then I pull off my mask, and I'm a Lizard Person, too! Blackout.
End of episode.
[Dinsdale.]