Comic Book Men s05e13 Episode Script
Hometown Heroes
1 If one of your kids was to show signs of having superpowers, would you takes steps to hide it from the world? Or would you embrace it? I think history's proven that if you reveal having superpowers, that the government gets involved.
They could take your kid away.
Use it for weaponry.
You know, militarize it.
It depends on what the powers are.
Like, what powers does the baby have? Uh, maybe, um, invisibility and flight.
Here's what you do, all right? Turn him into a super criminal.
They can go invisible I'd be like, "Go invisible.
"Grab the money.
Fly on out.
Give it to Dad.
" I wouldn't be saying that.
You know what, that's horrible.
I mean, my Dad used to get me to do that.
I wasn't even invisible.
[laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that wants to ban the bantha, and do the dewback.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
I got a fever, gentlemen.
The only cure is a story from the Stash.
There was an item that came in that made me remember how much I enjoyed the Sasquatch.
Bigfoot.
[groovy music.]
Have a wonderful afternoon.
- You too.
- Thanks.
- Hi, how you doing? - Doing good.
I think I got something you never seen before.
Okay.
André the Giant's "Six Million Dollar Man" Bigfoot mask.
Oh, my God.
[upbeat rock music.]
I mean, how significant a moment in your childhood was it when you saw that Bigfoot/Six Million Dollar Man battle? That was as For my childhood, that was the moment on TV.
There was nothing better.
Bigfoot getting his arm torn off, uh, and then running away He was, like, screaming.
He was screaming the whole way.
And like, as a kid you were just like, "Bigfoot's a robot!" It's so much better! [laughter.]
I don't know if I can convey to you guys, though, the agony of that seven days in between Bigfoot Part 1 and Bigfoot Part 2.
People talk about where they were when certain worldly events, um, happened.
Uh, for me, it's where was I when, uh, Steve Austin ripped Bigfoot's arm off, and revealed that Bigfoot was indeed, uh, a robot.
The really fun thing is, like, I know you're not even being ironic or funny.
Like, I know exactly where I was when I saw that happen.
Oh, yeah.
Same place everyone else was, in front of their TV.
[laughter.]
Where did you get this? Um, this was a custom piece that I had made.
It really does look like he chopped off Bigfoot's head.
I've never seen such beautiful André the Giant hair in my life.
Other than on André's head.
It's completely wearable too.
No way.
Aw, that's awesome.
That's amazing.
Do you feel eight years old again? I just wanna rip your arm off.
[laughter.]
It's been a while since I took your pulse.
Bigfoot? Same place it was in 1975.
You're still not a believer? I got to imagine, man, the age of, like, satellite imaging, we would've picked up a giant yeti with huge feet.
Bigfoot by himself, though, captured America's fascination.
They had this grainy-ass footage - The Patterson footage? - Yes.
He's walking, walking, and then he looks as if he got caught masturbating or something.
[laughter.]
Is that the look he gave? That is.
It's like [laughter.]
So you only made one? There's only one wearable mask in the world.
Truth is, I have a '78 Corvette in my garage that needs a rear differential.
Well, how much you looking to get for it? Uh, $750.
It is a one of a kind.
That's what really makes it so, uh, you know You want it.
I want it 'cause it's one of a kind.
Would you take $400 for it? Huh? Uh, no.
$650? How about $450? I can't say bye to To him for less than $500.
There'll be some tears too.
- Tears of sadness? - And joy.
Or is it tears of joy, 'cause I'm gonna give you $500 for it? - Awesome.
Fantastic.
- 500 bucks.
All right.
Four, five.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Walt.
- Thank you.
- Take it easy, man.
Oh, yeah.
One of a kind and it's all ours.
Gotta hire somebody to build a body.
Hey, what'd you get? Look at this.
All right, let's see how you look like in it.
Oh, you want me to put it on? [growling.]
[laughter.]
Wanna introduce you to my friend Ben.
- That's Phoenix Jones.
- You're Phoenix Jones? The superhero from Seattle? The company that gave us Spider-Man and Fantastic Four, is now pushing Satan.
Hey, wanna introduce you to my friend Ben.
- How you doing? - Hey, how you doing, Ben? Nice to meet you.
Big comic book fan, you know, knows a thing or two about superheroes.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- That's Phoenix Jones.
- Wait a minute.
You're Phoenix Jones? Yeah, well, in in my in my off time.
The superhero from Seattle? Yeah, the superhero from Seattle.
Are you hanging out with Ming, or about to arrest him? Where'd you meet Phoenix Jones? I've been contacting him through social media, and, you know, I just threw out the invite, "if you're ever in town, come on down to the Stash.
" You probably heard of this guy.
Seattle self-proclaimed superhero, Phoenix Jones, revealed his identity to the world today.
He just started patrolling the neighborhood, and actually getting involved by going after people that were breaking the law.
It's inspiring.
I mean, I couldn't even believe that he was in the store.
The original, real superhero.
I mean, I got a a million questions.
Could I ask you a couple questions? Fire.
Rapid fire, hit it.
What's Phoenix Jones' origin? Is there some sort of tragedy? What is it that makes you wanna go out in the streets? It starts out with a car break-in, and the guy put a rock inside a mask, in the mask in the car, right? My son and I come running up, my son falls in the glass, cuts his leg open, I call the police, and they're like, "There's no evidence, it's raining.
" Wasn't even gonna send a cop.
The damage was less than $500.
They cited the weather.
Yeah, it was It was incredible.
So I got kind of mad, I thought, "This can't be the way it goes.
" So I put the mask in my glove box, I went I looked at, uh, crime stats and realized, "Hey, there's break-ins here every weekend," and went and hung out in that parking lot until eventually, we caught this dude breaking into someone else's car.
So I ran in my car to call 911.
Pick up the phone right out of my glove box, and the mask comes out.
And I'm like, "You know what, man, I got a really, really bad idea.
" That's like the bat flying through the window.
Right, it's like, seize this moment.
So I'm like, "I'm doing it.
" When we first started, we'd just duct taped criminals to poles, and then roll out, but the police weren't prosecuting anybody, so we weren't really stopping any crime.
And then six months of training, then you got Phoenix Jones.
Do you have an archenemy? Do you have, like, a main villain or someone out there? Yeah, who's your Joker? There's been a bunch of super villains that have arose, but only one has been real.
There was a guy named Arsonic, and he would go around and he'd wait to see us on patrol, and then he'd go and light buildings on fire.
I mean, he left notes, like, "You'll never catch me, Phoenix Jones.
" - Uh, is he locked away? - Is he still at large? No, he lasted like three days and then we saw this guy pouring gasoline into a dumpster, wearing a bowling shirt with flames on it, and, like, it's like, a weird a weird hat.
You have the type of friends that it's like, "Hey, you wanna, like, hang out in a car and wait to, like, just get somebody?" I have friends who are like, "Hey, you wanna wait till midnight, when all the new toys come out?" [laughter.]
That's fantastic.
Like, we've all had that dream.
It's just, he actually went there and did it.
Just think about that for a second.
We live now live in a world where people are putting on costumes, and saying, "I'm gonna clean up these streets.
" He's committed to actually doing some good.
You know, we're all like, "We wanna do good.
" Until people are like, "You wanna get stabbed for it?" You're like, "No, no, no.
" [laughter.]
How How do the authorities treat Phoenix Jones? Do they welcome your help? The first year was like Spider-Man.
The district attorney said I was a deeply misguided individual, and that that then I would be de-masked and apprehended.
And it was super great.
J.
Jonah Jameson.
But after we stopped the riot, then after that they were - We had nothing but good stuff.
- Really? It's highly exaggerated, uh, but that's what the government called it.
- How? - Bunch of guys started a riot in our city on May Day, and the police didn't listen to us, when we were like, "Yo, these guys said they're gonna "go to the Federal building, and try to throw a bomb in it.
" So me and a couple others, right, hopped in the Kia of Justice and peeled out over there.
35 guys in black masks start storming the building, and we're in a fistfight with these guys, like outside the building.
[heavy rock music.]
They toss this backpack into the building, had a pipe bomb in it.
So we grab the backpack and throw it out in the middle of the street, and security pulls up, and I figured we're going to jail.
They've got, like, shotguns, and they're super serious.
A guy rolls up and he's like, "Phoenix, we love your work, man.
" Shakes my hand, we hopped in the car, they arrested like three different people, and then we got a little plaque.
It's kind of funny.
- That's amazing.
- That's all very impressive.
Did you say "the Kia of Justice"? - Yeah, 'cause they - Okay, I thought so.
I thought that's what you said.
Phoenix is no poser.
He will jump in and beat your ass if you're a criminal.
Like Batman, basically.
Absolutely.
You put on a mask and do some good Very few people in the world who do that.
Most of them are fictional characters in comic books.
So if somebody does it in real life, they get that from me.
We've had this conversation amongst our ourselves hundreds of times.
Do you think that we could put on costumes, superhero suits, and go make a difference on the streets of Red Bank? Seriously? This is a town that could use a little bit of cleaning up.
This sounds awesome.
If you guys are serious, I'm gonna be here on Saturday.
We will go out, we will fight crime, suited up in Red Bank.
I got my name picked out.
I've been waiting my whole life to design my own superhero costume.
- Challenge accepted.
- All right.
That's the plan.
Saturday: suits, outfits, patrol.
Trust us trust us, we got the skills.
All right, I'm excited.
I serve up justice in a trough.
- All: Oh! - Yes! Now I'm pumped! I've been shot and stabbed a couple times.
The first time I got shot was over here, and I thought I would be fine.
I was wearing a bulletproof vest.
I'm dressed like a superhero, I got spandex on.
This is gonna be great.
So I'm running and this guy shoots, and I'm like, "Got this.
" And I'm like, "Oh" I just, like, fell down.
I rolled under a dumpster and, like, cleared the round out because it's hot, and if you leave it in there, it'll burn you, right.
So I cleared the round out, roll up in this dumpster and just passed out.
Woke up like six hours later, broken ribs, couldn't breathe, it was embarrassing.
Then I went and bought expensive body armor.
So the second time when I got shot, I was imagining the worst.
So as I'm running I hear the shots go out.
It hits me and I'm like, "It's gonna hurt so bad.
" And then I'm like, "Oh I'm fine.
" I just kept running, chased him down and caught him.
- It was nothing.
- Could you imagine? That being like Just getting shot? And then be like, "Oh, I'm okay.
" The first part, yes.
The second part, not so much.
[laughter.]
How you doing? Hey, can I check out that copy of "Son of Satan" up there on the wall? Absolutely.
- Ming, would you grab that? - Yeah.
- You a big "Son of Satan" fan? - Oh, yeah.
It's one of the first books I bought back in 1975.
- Really? - Yeah.
Can't believe you guys have it.
- Sweet.
- There you go.
"Son of Satan" Number 1.
[heavy rock music.]
When this book came out in the '70s, the devil was everywhere, man.
It was just on the heels of "The Exorcist.
" The company that gave us Spider-Man and Fantastic Four, is now dabbling in the occult, and pushing Satan? It was unheard of.
But does Satan ever show up? Oh, yeah.
It was father versus son.
The son was good.
Satan, obviously, was the bad guy, and wherever his tentacles and six fingers were, Daimon Hellstrom was there to balance the scales a little bit, and kick his daddy's ass.
Now you know, I'm the biggest Satan fan around.
That's what it says on his card.
Walt Flanagan, Satan fan.
[laughter.]
In my opinion, that Satan was never more popular than in the '70s.
That's the thing, he was always in the Bible, but he was always kind of lame, I guess.
But in the '70s, Hollywood took him.
Like, he's in a little girl and he's spinning her head.
Or he's in a little boy who's killing his mom.
He was on TV.
- Starsky and Hutch even fought - They fought the devil.
That's right.
[laughter.]
I just can't believe you guys have it.
I could pick up something like this on the Internet, but that's no fun.
As a collector, I love the hunt, and to have this now in my hands, after searching for years, it's gratifying.
Yeah, but with all the tools at your disposal, you save all that time.
You could've just Bam, done.
It just baffles me that with all the technology available, you'll still go out.
You'll still put on clothes Generally, yeah, that's preferred.
This guy is keeping you in business.
Keeping you employed! You're like, "Dummy, go get it online.
" You'd lose a job, dude.
I guess, but I mean, in this day and age, he could've easily bought this online.
But that's you gotta respect the hunt, man.
The idea of venturing out, that's part of the reason we're friends, man.
It is kind of expeditious.
We were like Lewis and Clark.
The only way that we could've had a more adventurous time finding comics, is if we had done it by balloon.
Yes, which we talked about many times.
80 books in 80 days, baby.
[laughter.]
So we are looking to get $35.
Uh, should I wrap her up? It's a very nice copy.
Make this marvel mine.
Oh, throw up some horns for the man.
Ah! [chuckles.]
- All right, man, thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, there's something you don't see every day.
What, a guy who was just like, "Here's the money.
" [laughter.]
- Hey, you guys.
- Oh! What do you think? You guys put it together well.
We are ready to strike fear into the criminals.
[laughs.]
Spandex will definitely do that.
Phoenix agreed to take us out on a patrol, and he gave us a week to come up with our superhero identities.
Who better than all of us? Guys who been reading comics their whole lives.
We were born to walk the streets and protect them.
You're absolutely right about that.
I've heard the New York City Police Department is gonna get rid of the Police Academy, because now that everyone's reading comic books, they know how to confront evil in the streets.
You gotta go through and tell me what your inspirations were.
My name is Number Four.
You have the pig who built his house out of straw, the pig who built his house out of sticks, the one who built it out of bricks, and then the fourth one who just took the wolf on.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I serve up justice in a trough.
- All: Oh! - Oh, yes! Now I'm pumped.
Yes! - All right.
- Very nice.
Me? Yeah.
I am the El Negotiator.
I was once a mild-mannered store clerk, who tried to stuff one too many bill into the cash register, until it exploded in my face.
Horribly scarred, I now must wear this mask and fight crime.
[laughter.]
- It's fair enough.
- Speechless, right? Cool.
Who are you? Gun: Guy with the useless knowledge.
I know everything there is to know about anything that you don't wanna know.
Especially spelling, since knowledge is with K.
I'm going phonetically, pig! I like it.
All right, Ming.
Listen, I'm going old-school here.
And no, I have no illusions of busting heads or, you know, I have no fight experience.
So I I I'm more of a peaceful sort.
I'm Ming the Merciful, if you will.
Okay.
That's not gonna strike fear in anybody's hearts.
That's the one hero that every criminal is like, "Well, you know I could take out Ming the Merciful.
" He looked like the Noid.
[laughter.]
Like, I don't wanna run.
I bought pizza from this guy in the '80s.
So you guys all ready? - Let's go.
- Yeah.
Let's go hit the streets.
Red Bank, here we come! Ah! [heavy rock music.]
1978 Hulk Utility Belt.
Both: Oh, my God.
Yeah, here we go.
Trying to steal the bike? Come on, let's get him.
- Hey, how you doing? - Uh, not too bad.
- How about y'all? - Pretty good.
I got something I think you guys might be interested in.
It's a 1978 Remco - Incredible Hulk Utility Belt.
- Both: Oh, my God.
[rock music.]
Where'd you get it? I run service calls, and I was out in the sticks, and saw this little thrift shop on the side of the road, and I can't pass up stopping at little thrift shops.
You say you were running a service call.
- Yeah.
- What do you do for a living? - Uh, I actually work on appliances.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- You're like the Maytag repairman? - Kind of, only better looking.
[laughter.]
Let's see what would be on his utility belt.
Do you know? Like, without I don't wanna open it up on you.
Uh, it's got a voice changer, uh, to sound like The Incredible Hulk.
Okay, oh, I thought it was, like, for The Hulk to change his voice in case he I don't know Why Why would the Hulk He was making prank phone calls? Who's wearing the utility belt? Because if it's Bruce Banner wearing the utility belt built for The Hulk, it's what, it's like a hula hoop.
But if it's a small belt that fits Bruce Banner, when he Hulks out, does it just go, "Pa-ching!" So many questions that weren't addressed.
[laughter.]
Why was The Hulk always dressed in purple pants? Did you ever wonder that? He took a page out of Einstein's book.
Yeah, I heard that Einstein wore the same thing every day so he wouldn't waste brain power on what he was gonna wear.
- That's like us.
- Yeah.
- The three geniuses in here, right? - [laughter.]
You can practically see the light bulbs above each of their heads, right? Can you change that one for him? You're a repairman, right? - Yes, yes, I can.
- Yeah.
It's been out for years.
[laughter.]
So what do you need to get for the belt today? 'Cause I've always wanted one.
I can't believe that actually one came in.
I want 100 bucks for it.
[huffs.]
It's complete.
- The box doesn't look terrible.
- It doesn't look terrible.
- Doesn't look great.
- It's not mint.
Would you take $60? Uh, I couldn't go quite that low, um I'd be happy with $80.
Can you just be happy with $75? Um, I'll do $75 for it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right, man.
- Deal.
- Appreciate it.
[cash register whirs.]
- Thank you.
- Thank y'all.
Thanks, see you later.
Take it easy, man.
[funky music.]
[siren wailing.]
Is this, like, where the crime has been going down in your neighborhood? - Yeah.
- Can't you feel it? So it's the night of our first patrol You put yourself in harm's way going out there.
I mean, most of you are middle-aged men.
Wouldn't you think for a second that you might get hurt? I mean, I'm not even talking in a fight.
Yeah, I almost walked in front of a car.
Who's gonna save you, hero? We had a professional superhero with us.
What bad could happen to us? [heroic music, siren wailing.]
Bro, bro, hold up.
Trying to steal the bike? - Come on, let's get him.
- Hang back.
Just hang back a sec, just just Hey, hey, what's going on over here? Chill out.
Just chill.
- It's my bike.
- Both: Ugh.
That is exactly what we don't wanna do.
Hey, kid, what's that sign say? This is a no skateboarding zone.
You guys don't really understand what crime is.
Nicotine causes cancer, you know.
Oh, my God.
We've been walking around for, literally, hours.
Is there like a drug area or something we could go to? - [car engine roaring.]
- Look at this lunatic.
Slow down, [bleep.]
.
Speed kills! - [brakes screech.]
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
What the [bleep.]
did you say? - I'm sorry, guys.
- He's sorry.
- Yeah, we're sorry.
- What the [bleep.]
did you say? Yep, all right, I'm done, dude.
- What, that's it? - I'm gonna wait over here.
It's ridiculous.
Are we running away? Much to my shock and dismay, I mean, Phoenix was kind of annoyed.
And I would think rightfully so.
You picked the least crime-ridden neighborhood in all of New Jersey to patrol.
It really showed me it's a lot easier to read about a superhero than actually be a superhero.
Yeah and I'll go one better.
Leave it to the police, folks.
[Laughter.]
That's their job.
They're trained professionals.
They love doing this sort of thing.
Oh, and just like a wrong-headed network executive back in the day, we got to end this enterprise.
For Comic Book Men I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Good night you princes of pop culture, you kings of Comic Book Men.
They could take your kid away.
Use it for weaponry.
You know, militarize it.
It depends on what the powers are.
Like, what powers does the baby have? Uh, maybe, um, invisibility and flight.
Here's what you do, all right? Turn him into a super criminal.
They can go invisible I'd be like, "Go invisible.
"Grab the money.
Fly on out.
Give it to Dad.
" I wouldn't be saying that.
You know what, that's horrible.
I mean, my Dad used to get me to do that.
I wasn't even invisible.
[laughter.]
[heroic music.]
[laughs.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that wants to ban the bantha, and do the dewback.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
I got a fever, gentlemen.
The only cure is a story from the Stash.
There was an item that came in that made me remember how much I enjoyed the Sasquatch.
Bigfoot.
[groovy music.]
Have a wonderful afternoon.
- You too.
- Thanks.
- Hi, how you doing? - Doing good.
I think I got something you never seen before.
Okay.
André the Giant's "Six Million Dollar Man" Bigfoot mask.
Oh, my God.
[upbeat rock music.]
I mean, how significant a moment in your childhood was it when you saw that Bigfoot/Six Million Dollar Man battle? That was as For my childhood, that was the moment on TV.
There was nothing better.
Bigfoot getting his arm torn off, uh, and then running away He was, like, screaming.
He was screaming the whole way.
And like, as a kid you were just like, "Bigfoot's a robot!" It's so much better! [laughter.]
I don't know if I can convey to you guys, though, the agony of that seven days in between Bigfoot Part 1 and Bigfoot Part 2.
People talk about where they were when certain worldly events, um, happened.
Uh, for me, it's where was I when, uh, Steve Austin ripped Bigfoot's arm off, and revealed that Bigfoot was indeed, uh, a robot.
The really fun thing is, like, I know you're not even being ironic or funny.
Like, I know exactly where I was when I saw that happen.
Oh, yeah.
Same place everyone else was, in front of their TV.
[laughter.]
Where did you get this? Um, this was a custom piece that I had made.
It really does look like he chopped off Bigfoot's head.
I've never seen such beautiful André the Giant hair in my life.
Other than on André's head.
It's completely wearable too.
No way.
Aw, that's awesome.
That's amazing.
Do you feel eight years old again? I just wanna rip your arm off.
[laughter.]
It's been a while since I took your pulse.
Bigfoot? Same place it was in 1975.
You're still not a believer? I got to imagine, man, the age of, like, satellite imaging, we would've picked up a giant yeti with huge feet.
Bigfoot by himself, though, captured America's fascination.
They had this grainy-ass footage - The Patterson footage? - Yes.
He's walking, walking, and then he looks as if he got caught masturbating or something.
[laughter.]
Is that the look he gave? That is.
It's like [laughter.]
So you only made one? There's only one wearable mask in the world.
Truth is, I have a '78 Corvette in my garage that needs a rear differential.
Well, how much you looking to get for it? Uh, $750.
It is a one of a kind.
That's what really makes it so, uh, you know You want it.
I want it 'cause it's one of a kind.
Would you take $400 for it? Huh? Uh, no.
$650? How about $450? I can't say bye to To him for less than $500.
There'll be some tears too.
- Tears of sadness? - And joy.
Or is it tears of joy, 'cause I'm gonna give you $500 for it? - Awesome.
Fantastic.
- 500 bucks.
All right.
Four, five.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Walt.
- Thank you.
- Take it easy, man.
Oh, yeah.
One of a kind and it's all ours.
Gotta hire somebody to build a body.
Hey, what'd you get? Look at this.
All right, let's see how you look like in it.
Oh, you want me to put it on? [growling.]
[laughter.]
Wanna introduce you to my friend Ben.
- That's Phoenix Jones.
- You're Phoenix Jones? The superhero from Seattle? The company that gave us Spider-Man and Fantastic Four, is now pushing Satan.
Hey, wanna introduce you to my friend Ben.
- How you doing? - Hey, how you doing, Ben? Nice to meet you.
Big comic book fan, you know, knows a thing or two about superheroes.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- That's Phoenix Jones.
- Wait a minute.
You're Phoenix Jones? Yeah, well, in in my in my off time.
The superhero from Seattle? Yeah, the superhero from Seattle.
Are you hanging out with Ming, or about to arrest him? Where'd you meet Phoenix Jones? I've been contacting him through social media, and, you know, I just threw out the invite, "if you're ever in town, come on down to the Stash.
" You probably heard of this guy.
Seattle self-proclaimed superhero, Phoenix Jones, revealed his identity to the world today.
He just started patrolling the neighborhood, and actually getting involved by going after people that were breaking the law.
It's inspiring.
I mean, I couldn't even believe that he was in the store.
The original, real superhero.
I mean, I got a a million questions.
Could I ask you a couple questions? Fire.
Rapid fire, hit it.
What's Phoenix Jones' origin? Is there some sort of tragedy? What is it that makes you wanna go out in the streets? It starts out with a car break-in, and the guy put a rock inside a mask, in the mask in the car, right? My son and I come running up, my son falls in the glass, cuts his leg open, I call the police, and they're like, "There's no evidence, it's raining.
" Wasn't even gonna send a cop.
The damage was less than $500.
They cited the weather.
Yeah, it was It was incredible.
So I got kind of mad, I thought, "This can't be the way it goes.
" So I put the mask in my glove box, I went I looked at, uh, crime stats and realized, "Hey, there's break-ins here every weekend," and went and hung out in that parking lot until eventually, we caught this dude breaking into someone else's car.
So I ran in my car to call 911.
Pick up the phone right out of my glove box, and the mask comes out.
And I'm like, "You know what, man, I got a really, really bad idea.
" That's like the bat flying through the window.
Right, it's like, seize this moment.
So I'm like, "I'm doing it.
" When we first started, we'd just duct taped criminals to poles, and then roll out, but the police weren't prosecuting anybody, so we weren't really stopping any crime.
And then six months of training, then you got Phoenix Jones.
Do you have an archenemy? Do you have, like, a main villain or someone out there? Yeah, who's your Joker? There's been a bunch of super villains that have arose, but only one has been real.
There was a guy named Arsonic, and he would go around and he'd wait to see us on patrol, and then he'd go and light buildings on fire.
I mean, he left notes, like, "You'll never catch me, Phoenix Jones.
" - Uh, is he locked away? - Is he still at large? No, he lasted like three days and then we saw this guy pouring gasoline into a dumpster, wearing a bowling shirt with flames on it, and, like, it's like, a weird a weird hat.
You have the type of friends that it's like, "Hey, you wanna, like, hang out in a car and wait to, like, just get somebody?" I have friends who are like, "Hey, you wanna wait till midnight, when all the new toys come out?" [laughter.]
That's fantastic.
Like, we've all had that dream.
It's just, he actually went there and did it.
Just think about that for a second.
We live now live in a world where people are putting on costumes, and saying, "I'm gonna clean up these streets.
" He's committed to actually doing some good.
You know, we're all like, "We wanna do good.
" Until people are like, "You wanna get stabbed for it?" You're like, "No, no, no.
" [laughter.]
How How do the authorities treat Phoenix Jones? Do they welcome your help? The first year was like Spider-Man.
The district attorney said I was a deeply misguided individual, and that that then I would be de-masked and apprehended.
And it was super great.
J.
Jonah Jameson.
But after we stopped the riot, then after that they were - We had nothing but good stuff.
- Really? It's highly exaggerated, uh, but that's what the government called it.
- How? - Bunch of guys started a riot in our city on May Day, and the police didn't listen to us, when we were like, "Yo, these guys said they're gonna "go to the Federal building, and try to throw a bomb in it.
" So me and a couple others, right, hopped in the Kia of Justice and peeled out over there.
35 guys in black masks start storming the building, and we're in a fistfight with these guys, like outside the building.
[heavy rock music.]
They toss this backpack into the building, had a pipe bomb in it.
So we grab the backpack and throw it out in the middle of the street, and security pulls up, and I figured we're going to jail.
They've got, like, shotguns, and they're super serious.
A guy rolls up and he's like, "Phoenix, we love your work, man.
" Shakes my hand, we hopped in the car, they arrested like three different people, and then we got a little plaque.
It's kind of funny.
- That's amazing.
- That's all very impressive.
Did you say "the Kia of Justice"? - Yeah, 'cause they - Okay, I thought so.
I thought that's what you said.
Phoenix is no poser.
He will jump in and beat your ass if you're a criminal.
Like Batman, basically.
Absolutely.
You put on a mask and do some good Very few people in the world who do that.
Most of them are fictional characters in comic books.
So if somebody does it in real life, they get that from me.
We've had this conversation amongst our ourselves hundreds of times.
Do you think that we could put on costumes, superhero suits, and go make a difference on the streets of Red Bank? Seriously? This is a town that could use a little bit of cleaning up.
This sounds awesome.
If you guys are serious, I'm gonna be here on Saturday.
We will go out, we will fight crime, suited up in Red Bank.
I got my name picked out.
I've been waiting my whole life to design my own superhero costume.
- Challenge accepted.
- All right.
That's the plan.
Saturday: suits, outfits, patrol.
Trust us trust us, we got the skills.
All right, I'm excited.
I serve up justice in a trough.
- All: Oh! - Yes! Now I'm pumped! I've been shot and stabbed a couple times.
The first time I got shot was over here, and I thought I would be fine.
I was wearing a bulletproof vest.
I'm dressed like a superhero, I got spandex on.
This is gonna be great.
So I'm running and this guy shoots, and I'm like, "Got this.
" And I'm like, "Oh" I just, like, fell down.
I rolled under a dumpster and, like, cleared the round out because it's hot, and if you leave it in there, it'll burn you, right.
So I cleared the round out, roll up in this dumpster and just passed out.
Woke up like six hours later, broken ribs, couldn't breathe, it was embarrassing.
Then I went and bought expensive body armor.
So the second time when I got shot, I was imagining the worst.
So as I'm running I hear the shots go out.
It hits me and I'm like, "It's gonna hurt so bad.
" And then I'm like, "Oh I'm fine.
" I just kept running, chased him down and caught him.
- It was nothing.
- Could you imagine? That being like Just getting shot? And then be like, "Oh, I'm okay.
" The first part, yes.
The second part, not so much.
[laughter.]
How you doing? Hey, can I check out that copy of "Son of Satan" up there on the wall? Absolutely.
- Ming, would you grab that? - Yeah.
- You a big "Son of Satan" fan? - Oh, yeah.
It's one of the first books I bought back in 1975.
- Really? - Yeah.
Can't believe you guys have it.
- Sweet.
- There you go.
"Son of Satan" Number 1.
[heavy rock music.]
When this book came out in the '70s, the devil was everywhere, man.
It was just on the heels of "The Exorcist.
" The company that gave us Spider-Man and Fantastic Four, is now dabbling in the occult, and pushing Satan? It was unheard of.
But does Satan ever show up? Oh, yeah.
It was father versus son.
The son was good.
Satan, obviously, was the bad guy, and wherever his tentacles and six fingers were, Daimon Hellstrom was there to balance the scales a little bit, and kick his daddy's ass.
Now you know, I'm the biggest Satan fan around.
That's what it says on his card.
Walt Flanagan, Satan fan.
[laughter.]
In my opinion, that Satan was never more popular than in the '70s.
That's the thing, he was always in the Bible, but he was always kind of lame, I guess.
But in the '70s, Hollywood took him.
Like, he's in a little girl and he's spinning her head.
Or he's in a little boy who's killing his mom.
He was on TV.
- Starsky and Hutch even fought - They fought the devil.
That's right.
[laughter.]
I just can't believe you guys have it.
I could pick up something like this on the Internet, but that's no fun.
As a collector, I love the hunt, and to have this now in my hands, after searching for years, it's gratifying.
Yeah, but with all the tools at your disposal, you save all that time.
You could've just Bam, done.
It just baffles me that with all the technology available, you'll still go out.
You'll still put on clothes Generally, yeah, that's preferred.
This guy is keeping you in business.
Keeping you employed! You're like, "Dummy, go get it online.
" You'd lose a job, dude.
I guess, but I mean, in this day and age, he could've easily bought this online.
But that's you gotta respect the hunt, man.
The idea of venturing out, that's part of the reason we're friends, man.
It is kind of expeditious.
We were like Lewis and Clark.
The only way that we could've had a more adventurous time finding comics, is if we had done it by balloon.
Yes, which we talked about many times.
80 books in 80 days, baby.
[laughter.]
So we are looking to get $35.
Uh, should I wrap her up? It's a very nice copy.
Make this marvel mine.
Oh, throw up some horns for the man.
Ah! [chuckles.]
- All right, man, thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, there's something you don't see every day.
What, a guy who was just like, "Here's the money.
" [laughter.]
- Hey, you guys.
- Oh! What do you think? You guys put it together well.
We are ready to strike fear into the criminals.
[laughs.]
Spandex will definitely do that.
Phoenix agreed to take us out on a patrol, and he gave us a week to come up with our superhero identities.
Who better than all of us? Guys who been reading comics their whole lives.
We were born to walk the streets and protect them.
You're absolutely right about that.
I've heard the New York City Police Department is gonna get rid of the Police Academy, because now that everyone's reading comic books, they know how to confront evil in the streets.
You gotta go through and tell me what your inspirations were.
My name is Number Four.
You have the pig who built his house out of straw, the pig who built his house out of sticks, the one who built it out of bricks, and then the fourth one who just took the wolf on.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I serve up justice in a trough.
- All: Oh! - Oh, yes! Now I'm pumped.
Yes! - All right.
- Very nice.
Me? Yeah.
I am the El Negotiator.
I was once a mild-mannered store clerk, who tried to stuff one too many bill into the cash register, until it exploded in my face.
Horribly scarred, I now must wear this mask and fight crime.
[laughter.]
- It's fair enough.
- Speechless, right? Cool.
Who are you? Gun: Guy with the useless knowledge.
I know everything there is to know about anything that you don't wanna know.
Especially spelling, since knowledge is with K.
I'm going phonetically, pig! I like it.
All right, Ming.
Listen, I'm going old-school here.
And no, I have no illusions of busting heads or, you know, I have no fight experience.
So I I I'm more of a peaceful sort.
I'm Ming the Merciful, if you will.
Okay.
That's not gonna strike fear in anybody's hearts.
That's the one hero that every criminal is like, "Well, you know I could take out Ming the Merciful.
" He looked like the Noid.
[laughter.]
Like, I don't wanna run.
I bought pizza from this guy in the '80s.
So you guys all ready? - Let's go.
- Yeah.
Let's go hit the streets.
Red Bank, here we come! Ah! [heavy rock music.]
1978 Hulk Utility Belt.
Both: Oh, my God.
Yeah, here we go.
Trying to steal the bike? Come on, let's get him.
- Hey, how you doing? - Uh, not too bad.
- How about y'all? - Pretty good.
I got something I think you guys might be interested in.
It's a 1978 Remco - Incredible Hulk Utility Belt.
- Both: Oh, my God.
[rock music.]
Where'd you get it? I run service calls, and I was out in the sticks, and saw this little thrift shop on the side of the road, and I can't pass up stopping at little thrift shops.
You say you were running a service call.
- Yeah.
- What do you do for a living? - Uh, I actually work on appliances.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- You're like the Maytag repairman? - Kind of, only better looking.
[laughter.]
Let's see what would be on his utility belt.
Do you know? Like, without I don't wanna open it up on you.
Uh, it's got a voice changer, uh, to sound like The Incredible Hulk.
Okay, oh, I thought it was, like, for The Hulk to change his voice in case he I don't know Why Why would the Hulk He was making prank phone calls? Who's wearing the utility belt? Because if it's Bruce Banner wearing the utility belt built for The Hulk, it's what, it's like a hula hoop.
But if it's a small belt that fits Bruce Banner, when he Hulks out, does it just go, "Pa-ching!" So many questions that weren't addressed.
[laughter.]
Why was The Hulk always dressed in purple pants? Did you ever wonder that? He took a page out of Einstein's book.
Yeah, I heard that Einstein wore the same thing every day so he wouldn't waste brain power on what he was gonna wear.
- That's like us.
- Yeah.
- The three geniuses in here, right? - [laughter.]
You can practically see the light bulbs above each of their heads, right? Can you change that one for him? You're a repairman, right? - Yes, yes, I can.
- Yeah.
It's been out for years.
[laughter.]
So what do you need to get for the belt today? 'Cause I've always wanted one.
I can't believe that actually one came in.
I want 100 bucks for it.
[huffs.]
It's complete.
- The box doesn't look terrible.
- It doesn't look terrible.
- Doesn't look great.
- It's not mint.
Would you take $60? Uh, I couldn't go quite that low, um I'd be happy with $80.
Can you just be happy with $75? Um, I'll do $75 for it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right, man.
- Deal.
- Appreciate it.
[cash register whirs.]
- Thank you.
- Thank y'all.
Thanks, see you later.
Take it easy, man.
[funky music.]
[siren wailing.]
Is this, like, where the crime has been going down in your neighborhood? - Yeah.
- Can't you feel it? So it's the night of our first patrol You put yourself in harm's way going out there.
I mean, most of you are middle-aged men.
Wouldn't you think for a second that you might get hurt? I mean, I'm not even talking in a fight.
Yeah, I almost walked in front of a car.
Who's gonna save you, hero? We had a professional superhero with us.
What bad could happen to us? [heroic music, siren wailing.]
Bro, bro, hold up.
Trying to steal the bike? - Come on, let's get him.
- Hang back.
Just hang back a sec, just just Hey, hey, what's going on over here? Chill out.
Just chill.
- It's my bike.
- Both: Ugh.
That is exactly what we don't wanna do.
Hey, kid, what's that sign say? This is a no skateboarding zone.
You guys don't really understand what crime is.
Nicotine causes cancer, you know.
Oh, my God.
We've been walking around for, literally, hours.
Is there like a drug area or something we could go to? - [car engine roaring.]
- Look at this lunatic.
Slow down, [bleep.]
.
Speed kills! - [brakes screech.]
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
What the [bleep.]
did you say? - I'm sorry, guys.
- He's sorry.
- Yeah, we're sorry.
- What the [bleep.]
did you say? Yep, all right, I'm done, dude.
- What, that's it? - I'm gonna wait over here.
It's ridiculous.
Are we running away? Much to my shock and dismay, I mean, Phoenix was kind of annoyed.
And I would think rightfully so.
You picked the least crime-ridden neighborhood in all of New Jersey to patrol.
It really showed me it's a lot easier to read about a superhero than actually be a superhero.
Yeah and I'll go one better.
Leave it to the police, folks.
[Laughter.]
That's their job.
They're trained professionals.
They love doing this sort of thing.
Oh, and just like a wrong-headed network executive back in the day, we got to end this enterprise.
For Comic Book Men I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Good night you princes of pop culture, you kings of Comic Book Men.