Drunk History (2013) s05e13 Episode Script
Halloween
1 (Patriotic music) So Giles Corey decides, my wife is not a witch.
And the sheriff is like, I'm crushing you! You're a witch! Halloween in the early 20th century was a straight up just bad.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, How could these kids even have it in them to take a piss on everything? And Dracula is like, let's have a party! And he impales everybody.
(Laughs) Oh.
(Spooky music) Oh, wait.
- What? - Well You're taking your glasses off, what are you doing? I have to put on my prescription.
(Laughs) Oh, yes, please.
- Drink-or-treat.
- It's very spooky.
Drink-or-treat.
Is this stupid? Yeah, but If we don't act stupid, how will we ever learn how to be smart? Hello.
I'm Allan McLeod, and today we're gonna tell the story of the curse of Giles Corey.
Ooh.
Boo.
Our story begins in Salem, Massachusetts.
The Puritans had just settled the colony, and they were very much into biblical law.
So, a bunch of girls started acting erratically.
And a doctor checked them out and he said, These girls are bewi bewitched! And thus began the Salem witch trials.
(Hiccup) Ooh.
(Laughs) So, these witch trials start.
And Martha and Giles Corey are just, like, eating popcorn, and enjoying themselves, and they're goi and they're and they're excited about it, and they're like, oh, I love you, honey, and we're at the witch trials, and isn't it fun that there might be witches among us? So, the Puritans were not very scientific.
You would have to, like, pee into a cup, and then they would, like, pour the pee into, like, a cake, and then a dog would have to eat the cake and then, if [bleep.]
the person who peed into the cake felt pain when the dog ate the cake, then that person was a witch.
And Martha's like, that doesn't make any sense as far as, like, judging whether you're a witch or not.
And so, Ann Putnam was like, you're a witch because you're criticizing us.
And so, Sheriff George Corwin came in and was like, if you're accused of being a witch, you're gonna get hung and that's it.
The trial is is arbitrary.
It's not really (Inhales) - Ooh, excuse me.
- Was that What was that? Phew, it's a little something coming up.
(Laughs) - It's all good.
- Okay good.
Martha Corey goes to trial, and Giles Corey was just swept up in the hysteria of the whole thing and he's like, well, our cat died and that could be a sign of a witch.
And also, my ox has been having some issues.
- (Laughs) - So she could be a witch.
I mean, I don't know! But she could be a witch.
Well, then, Martha goes to jail, and (hiccup) and, uh Giles was like, I've been caught up in the whole mania of the Salem witch trials, and I need to relax and come to my senses, and now that I've come to my senses I realize my wife is not a witch.
And I I was telling tales out of school.
And everybody's like, so wait a second.
You're doubting us, and you're questioning us, like That means you're a witch! And then Giles was like (hiccup) - Ugh.
- (Laughs) These [bleep.]
hiccups, dude.
- Don't worry about them.
- All right.
We're good.
- (Hiccup) - (Laughs) And so, Sheriff Corwin comes in, he says, all right, well, it's time for me to torture you, baby.
And my choice of torture is pien de forte Oh, [bleep.]
.
Pien Will Forte.
God damn it.
Pier de tortogotortutu (Laughs) (Laughs) So, Giles Corey was given the sentence of peine forte et dure, and that basically meant we're gonna put this board on you and then we're gonna put a bunch of rocks on top of you and crush you until you plead guilty or not guilty.
So, they start putting rocks on him and start pressing on him.
(Laughs) Wait.
We'll crush you the right way.
- Oh.
No.
- (Laughs) - That's an ironing board.
- Come on! (Laughing) That's not what they had.
That is not what they had, Allan.
Don't oh, [bleep.]
me! - It hurts? - I'm yes, it hurts! (Sighs) You're a body on top of a body.
Okay.
Anyway.
The sheriff is like, I'm crushing you! You're a witch! I'm not a witch.
(Smooch) - Are you kissing me? - (Laughs) (Laughing) Allan.
Anyway, all that Giles says to them More weight.
I can take it.
More weight! Oh, is that the biggest, heaviest rock you got? More weight! Ahh! So, for two days, Giles Corey is being crushed there.
And it got so bad that Giles Corey's eyes were bulging out of his head, and his tongue was just outside of his mouth.
Sheriff Corwin has to come over there and put them back in with the tip of his cane.
And he's like, Hey, why don't you confess to being a witch? And then Giles is like, you can kill me now, but I promise I'd curse you.
I (hiccup) I curse you, Sherin Curfwin.
I curse you, Sheriff Corwin.
(Hiccup) I curse you Salem! And I have the hiccups, but I curse you 'cause I'm being crushed.
(Hiccup) And you'll understand this later.
Sorry.
Bye.
Giles Corey's death was so gruesome, that it led to the end of the Salem witch trials.
And then four years later, Sheriff Corwin died of a heart attack.
Obviously they can't trace it back to you know, the curse, but We all know it was the [bleep.]
curse.
(Laughs) So, in 1978, Sheriff Robert Cahill had a heart attack and was like, uh, I should do some research on this curse that was put on us by Giles.
And he found that every sheriff in Salem had a heart attack or a stroke.
And he's like, oh, shit! That (hiccup) curse was real! And I was like, that was a real-ass curse.
So they move the Sheriff's Department out of (hiccup) Salem.
(Laughing) (Laughing) This is one of the untold stories of the (hiccup) you know, Salem witch trials.
Can I press you real quick? I could die.
- (Screams) - (Laughs) (Wailing) - How's that feel? - (Coughing) Ugh.
I'm paral (hiccup) I'm paralyzed.
Hello.
I'm Tess Lynch, and tonight we're going to learn about the mother of Halloween.
(Dark chuckle) Mrs.
Elizabeth Krebs.
(Cackles) (Gulps) (Continues cackling) Freaking me out.
- You're freaking me out.
- Wow.
In the early decades of the 20th century, Halloween was celebrated in a far different way.
This was 1912 in Hiawatha, Kansas, and groups of kids would gather together, wear masks and they would just, like, destroy shit.
And they're like, oh, shoot, an outhouse.
What're we gonna do to that outhouse? Tip it the hell over, yeah, that's right.
And then they would set it on fire and then they'd laugh.
And then before you know it, the entire town is just like, turned-over outhouses, beheaded chickens, babies punched in the head.
The kids the hooligans are like, I'm a I'm a boy with a penis.
I'm peeing in the hole! Devil's night, mother [bleep.]
.
That's scary.
It's terrible.
It's just, like It's just terrible.
So, on the morning of November 1st, 1912, day after Halloween, obviously, Elizabeth Krebs, founder of the Hiawatha Garden Club, wakes up, parts the curtains, and saw her garden was completely [bleep.]
up.
And she's like, (in accent) this is insane! The heirloom roses (whooshes) The asters (whooshes) The, like, gourds (whoosh) And she's like, what's wrong with these kids? What do they need? You know what I think they need is a party.
Burn off that demon-ous energy.
Is that a word? Yeah.
Anyway, listen.
October 31st, 1913.
Elizabeth Krebs is like, I'ma have a I'm gonna have a decent-sized party.
Not a big party.
Who am I? The King of Rome? No.
So, she does it.
And then the neighborhood kids come, they're like, hey, pretty cool party, Mrs.
Krebs! Bobbing for apples, like, I'm MVP of bobbing for apples.
And then it just keeps going, like, ad nauseam on repeat until the end of of the evening.
So, Elizabeth Krebs is like, I have a feeling this is really gonna work.
I've exhausted this youthful population to the point where they can't do shit.
This is awesome.
So, she goes to bed, wakes up the next morning, November 1st, 1913, parts the curtains but everything's leveled again.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, no shit! Are you kidding me? And look at that.
A mail truck's on fire.
Someone's waiting for a postcard that's never gonna arrive because that mail truck got lit the [bleep.]
on fire.
And she's like, I had this decent-sized party.
How could these kids even have it in them to take a piss on everything? But then, Elizabeth Krebs is like, you know what? (Snaps fingers) I got an idea.
So, she goes home.
And Elizabeth Krebs spends the entire next year planning for this party.
And she devoted all of her own time and resources and money into making a [bleep.]
huge rager.
(Gulps) Oh, I spilled.
Happy Halloween.
And now look - for the whole rest of it.
- What happened? I dribbled, man.
I [bleep.]
dribbled.
- (Laughs) - So It is October 31st, 1914.
She's waiting at town square.
And eventually poof-poof-poof-poof.
What's that? Kids in costumes trickling in to the town square, ready to [bleep.]
rage.
And she's like, thank God because I knew this was gonna be a thing and it was.
So, these kids these hooligans are at this party and band comes in, starts playing.
Too-too-too-too That's felt weak sauce.
(Laughs) Was that weak sauce? - I love that song.
- So, anyway.
The hooligans are like, hey man, I'm pretty shocked that old Mrs.
Krebs is throwing, like, the [bleep.]
coolest party I ever seen in Hiawatha, Kansas.
And so, everybody gets marched down to the Armstrong opera house.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, Yo, that's a long way and those kids are gonna be [bleep.]
tired by the time they get there.
And they're actually really enjoying themselves.
And they're like, man, this is my jam.
This is "Danny Boy.
" This is top of the charts.
So, the band keeps playing, playing, playing until these kids are, like, zombified.
It's, like, "Thriller.
" And Elizabeth Krebs is like, that's good.
I like that.
I like that.
So, she goes home, she goes to bed, wakes up next morning, November 1st, 1914, What does she see? How's her garden looking, Derek? I'm not sure.
I'm a little worried that it's gonna be destroyed.
No.
Phoo.
She looks out.
And she's like, Asters, right there.
Heirloom roses, right there.
[Bleep.]
gourds, boom.
It's like, all the shit is lined up.
It's exactly as it should be.
People are in awe of her.
They're like, Elizabeth, nobody destroyed my house.
Nobody broke my windows.
Chief of police comes up.
Thank you, Elizabeth Krebs.
Thank you, because guess what? Vandalism reports? (Whooshes) Way down precipitously.
And actually, nobody was up to anything other than partying at your [bleep.]
rager.
She's like, [bleep.]
damn straight.
And he's like, we're gonna keep this tradition rolling pretty much forever.
She's like, sounds good.
So, it changed the way we celebrate Halloween here and everywhere.
That was all because one woman Elizabeth Krebs said, Halloween is not about turning over outhouses to put poo on people's lawns.
It is about dressing up really cute, getting a shit-ton of candy.
Booyah.
Oh, shit.
This is like Real serious makeup.
This is my favorite Halloween, by the way.
'Cause I've never liked Halloween.
(Laughs) Me too.
I think you're looking good.
I think I've pretty much handled it at this point.
(Laughs) I think I pretty much got to the bottom of it.
Is it all gone? - There we go.
- (Laughs) That's really good.
You looking good, dude.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
So, this is premium kosher slivovitz.
The drink from Dracula.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- (Garbled speech) - Hmm? - (Clears throat) (Coughs) It's so hard to get in your mouth with these teeth in.
That went mo that went a lot in my nose.
Hello.
I'm Greg Tuculescu.
And today (Laughs) Today we're gonna talk about Vlad the Impaler.
The real man behind Dracula.
So, it's 1447, and Vlad III from Wallachia is a political prisoner in the Ottoman Empire.
And Vlad is like, I wanna go back to my dad.
I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne! And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like, I kinda like it here.
I really like the salt and sun and Memed II.
And Memed's like, I like you too.
And then, out of nowhere this boyar shows up.
This nobleman.
And he's breathless, and he's like, Vlad! I have bad news.
Your father is dead.
He's dead.
He was killed by rival boyars.
And Vlad is like, I'd like to avenge my father's death, please.
Can you please release me? And they're like, (belches) okay.
But Radu's gonna stay here if that's cool.
And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.
So, um, he rides to Wallachia, kicks down the door, and he's like, you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.
- (Giggles) - (Loud thud) Ohh.
Watch that head.
Oww.
Anyway.
He's like, sweet.
I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.
Let's have a partaaay! And he invites all these boyars.
He's like, guys, let's [bleep.]
bury the hatchet.
I know you killed my father.
That's fine.
You don't worry but don't worry about it.
You killed my dad.
That's okay.
So the boyars are like, we'll [bleep.]
do whatever you feel like is good.
They like, drink and have a great time.
Uh (giggles) And then they're gonna leave, and they're like, great, thank you so much, but we had such a great time.
We're gonna head out.
And Vlad's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut the doors.
(Doors slamming) All the boyars are like, wait, what? So, Vlad's like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take a stake that's like sharpened almost to a point kind of.
Not to a point.
A little rounded.
And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.
And then I'm gonna, like, go into your esophagus, and then I'm gonna stick it out your mouth.
(Whispers) I'm going to impale you.
And he does that to 200 boyars.
It's (laughs) It's [bleep.]
sadistic.
And he impaled [bleep.]
200 boyars.
In his court in (talking gibberish, laughing) Vlad is like, call me Dracula.
So, he's, like, going around doing this to everybody.
He's like, you, you look like you're an adulterer.
You, you look like you're lazy.
You, you look like you're a thief! I'm gonna impale all of you! And he impales them.
And he burns the whole [bleep.]
town to the ground.
And there's a German monk there and he's like, (german accent) oh, mein Gott! He's dipping his bread in the blood of his victims! Und he's eating it! (Normal voice) That's a vampire.
He instorters He instorters? - He ins he - (Sniggers) Instills order in Wallachia.
So, Memed is like, your brother wants to be called "Dracula.
" And Radu's like, (laughs) Dracula? That just means, like, son of Dracul which we both are.
That's lame.
And Memed's like, we should definitely attack Vlad because Vlad's being a super dick.
So, Memed crosses into Wallachia with these, like, 60,000 troops and Dracula's like, I get it.
I'm outnumbered.
So, I'm gonna retreat, but what I want you guys to do my colonels and lieutenants and generals and shit I want you to burn (whispers) everything! And they're like, all right, but we're, like, [bleep.]
up our own land.
And he's like, yes! (Whispers) Destroy Wallachia Vallachia.
So, they do it.
And they [bleep.]
up everything.
Boo-too-too-too-too Halloween Boowubububu (Laughs) [Bleep.]
Halloween, baby.
- Ooh! - (Laughs) So, anyway When Memed comes through, they come upon a sight that makes his soldiers stop in their tracks.
And it is a section half a mile wide and two miles long of over 20,000 Turkish soldiers and prisoners - that have been impaled.
- (Wincing) Mm! And Memed sees it and he's like, Jesus! I don't even believe in Jesus.
Holy boly Allah, holy Muhammad.
It's like a forest of the impaled.
And he's like, you know what, guys? Let's turn around.
And they just turned around and left.
So, Vlad has won.
He's like, (laughs) Yay! He was arguably the most sadistic liver - (Laughs) - L He was arguably the most sadi distic.
.
The most sadistic ruler that ever lived.
But then, Radu is like, Mmm, hold on a second.
Uh, people of Wallachia? Mm, Vlad is sucks.
He's, like, a piece of shit, right? So, like, why don't you support me? I'm a good guy.
And they kick Vlad Dracula out of Wallachia.
Vlad's like (Hisses) So, fast forward 12 years.
Vlad is, like, fighting some, like, border skirmish or something.
And then, this Turkish assassin, like, - shoots him with an arrow - (Whooshes sharply) And he goes to Vlad, and then he kills him.
And chops off his head! And he takes the head back to Memed.
And Memed is like, cool.
I'm gonna put it on a stake.
'Cause he loved to impale people.
And Vlad's like, (Scoffs) Whatever.
I don't even feel this.
I'm already dead.
Joke's on you guys.
(Giggles) (Dramatic music) My head's on a stake.
Look at my face, people! Look at my face, mother [bleep.]
.
(Laughs) (Giggles) (Snorts) (Sighs) Oh, my God.
I'm spinning really badly.
So, 400 years later, Bram Stoker was like, huh, this is interesting.
This like, legend of vampires.
Maybe I can write a story about this.
And it became one of the biggest horror classics ever.
It still is.
Yeah.
I mean, like, think about Who doesn't know who Dracula is? Everybody knows [bleep.]
Dracula.
Everyone knows that vampire story.
There's cereal named after him.
Yeah! Right? Count Chocula.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not Count Dracula.
- Yeah, right? - Count Chocula.
(Laughs) It's not Count Dracula.
(Giggles) 'Cause there's chocolate sugar pieces in it! (Laughs) (Patriotic music)
And the sheriff is like, I'm crushing you! You're a witch! Halloween in the early 20th century was a straight up just bad.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, How could these kids even have it in them to take a piss on everything? And Dracula is like, let's have a party! And he impales everybody.
(Laughs) Oh.
(Spooky music) Oh, wait.
- What? - Well You're taking your glasses off, what are you doing? I have to put on my prescription.
(Laughs) Oh, yes, please.
- Drink-or-treat.
- It's very spooky.
Drink-or-treat.
Is this stupid? Yeah, but If we don't act stupid, how will we ever learn how to be smart? Hello.
I'm Allan McLeod, and today we're gonna tell the story of the curse of Giles Corey.
Ooh.
Boo.
Our story begins in Salem, Massachusetts.
The Puritans had just settled the colony, and they were very much into biblical law.
So, a bunch of girls started acting erratically.
And a doctor checked them out and he said, These girls are bewi bewitched! And thus began the Salem witch trials.
(Hiccup) Ooh.
(Laughs) So, these witch trials start.
And Martha and Giles Corey are just, like, eating popcorn, and enjoying themselves, and they're goi and they're and they're excited about it, and they're like, oh, I love you, honey, and we're at the witch trials, and isn't it fun that there might be witches among us? So, the Puritans were not very scientific.
You would have to, like, pee into a cup, and then they would, like, pour the pee into, like, a cake, and then a dog would have to eat the cake and then, if [bleep.]
the person who peed into the cake felt pain when the dog ate the cake, then that person was a witch.
And Martha's like, that doesn't make any sense as far as, like, judging whether you're a witch or not.
And so, Ann Putnam was like, you're a witch because you're criticizing us.
And so, Sheriff George Corwin came in and was like, if you're accused of being a witch, you're gonna get hung and that's it.
The trial is is arbitrary.
It's not really (Inhales) - Ooh, excuse me.
- Was that What was that? Phew, it's a little something coming up.
(Laughs) - It's all good.
- Okay good.
Martha Corey goes to trial, and Giles Corey was just swept up in the hysteria of the whole thing and he's like, well, our cat died and that could be a sign of a witch.
And also, my ox has been having some issues.
- (Laughs) - So she could be a witch.
I mean, I don't know! But she could be a witch.
Well, then, Martha goes to jail, and (hiccup) and, uh Giles was like, I've been caught up in the whole mania of the Salem witch trials, and I need to relax and come to my senses, and now that I've come to my senses I realize my wife is not a witch.
And I I was telling tales out of school.
And everybody's like, so wait a second.
You're doubting us, and you're questioning us, like That means you're a witch! And then Giles was like (hiccup) - Ugh.
- (Laughs) These [bleep.]
hiccups, dude.
- Don't worry about them.
- All right.
We're good.
- (Hiccup) - (Laughs) And so, Sheriff Corwin comes in, he says, all right, well, it's time for me to torture you, baby.
And my choice of torture is pien de forte Oh, [bleep.]
.
Pien Will Forte.
God damn it.
Pier de tortogotortutu (Laughs) (Laughs) So, Giles Corey was given the sentence of peine forte et dure, and that basically meant we're gonna put this board on you and then we're gonna put a bunch of rocks on top of you and crush you until you plead guilty or not guilty.
So, they start putting rocks on him and start pressing on him.
(Laughs) Wait.
We'll crush you the right way.
- Oh.
No.
- (Laughs) - That's an ironing board.
- Come on! (Laughing) That's not what they had.
That is not what they had, Allan.
Don't oh, [bleep.]
me! - It hurts? - I'm yes, it hurts! (Sighs) You're a body on top of a body.
Okay.
Anyway.
The sheriff is like, I'm crushing you! You're a witch! I'm not a witch.
(Smooch) - Are you kissing me? - (Laughs) (Laughing) Allan.
Anyway, all that Giles says to them More weight.
I can take it.
More weight! Oh, is that the biggest, heaviest rock you got? More weight! Ahh! So, for two days, Giles Corey is being crushed there.
And it got so bad that Giles Corey's eyes were bulging out of his head, and his tongue was just outside of his mouth.
Sheriff Corwin has to come over there and put them back in with the tip of his cane.
And he's like, Hey, why don't you confess to being a witch? And then Giles is like, you can kill me now, but I promise I'd curse you.
I (hiccup) I curse you, Sherin Curfwin.
I curse you, Sheriff Corwin.
(Hiccup) I curse you Salem! And I have the hiccups, but I curse you 'cause I'm being crushed.
(Hiccup) And you'll understand this later.
Sorry.
Bye.
Giles Corey's death was so gruesome, that it led to the end of the Salem witch trials.
And then four years later, Sheriff Corwin died of a heart attack.
Obviously they can't trace it back to you know, the curse, but We all know it was the [bleep.]
curse.
(Laughs) So, in 1978, Sheriff Robert Cahill had a heart attack and was like, uh, I should do some research on this curse that was put on us by Giles.
And he found that every sheriff in Salem had a heart attack or a stroke.
And he's like, oh, shit! That (hiccup) curse was real! And I was like, that was a real-ass curse.
So they move the Sheriff's Department out of (hiccup) Salem.
(Laughing) (Laughing) This is one of the untold stories of the (hiccup) you know, Salem witch trials.
Can I press you real quick? I could die.
- (Screams) - (Laughs) (Wailing) - How's that feel? - (Coughing) Ugh.
I'm paral (hiccup) I'm paralyzed.
Hello.
I'm Tess Lynch, and tonight we're going to learn about the mother of Halloween.
(Dark chuckle) Mrs.
Elizabeth Krebs.
(Cackles) (Gulps) (Continues cackling) Freaking me out.
- You're freaking me out.
- Wow.
In the early decades of the 20th century, Halloween was celebrated in a far different way.
This was 1912 in Hiawatha, Kansas, and groups of kids would gather together, wear masks and they would just, like, destroy shit.
And they're like, oh, shoot, an outhouse.
What're we gonna do to that outhouse? Tip it the hell over, yeah, that's right.
And then they would set it on fire and then they'd laugh.
And then before you know it, the entire town is just like, turned-over outhouses, beheaded chickens, babies punched in the head.
The kids the hooligans are like, I'm a I'm a boy with a penis.
I'm peeing in the hole! Devil's night, mother [bleep.]
.
That's scary.
It's terrible.
It's just, like It's just terrible.
So, on the morning of November 1st, 1912, day after Halloween, obviously, Elizabeth Krebs, founder of the Hiawatha Garden Club, wakes up, parts the curtains, and saw her garden was completely [bleep.]
up.
And she's like, (in accent) this is insane! The heirloom roses (whooshes) The asters (whooshes) The, like, gourds (whoosh) And she's like, what's wrong with these kids? What do they need? You know what I think they need is a party.
Burn off that demon-ous energy.
Is that a word? Yeah.
Anyway, listen.
October 31st, 1913.
Elizabeth Krebs is like, I'ma have a I'm gonna have a decent-sized party.
Not a big party.
Who am I? The King of Rome? No.
So, she does it.
And then the neighborhood kids come, they're like, hey, pretty cool party, Mrs.
Krebs! Bobbing for apples, like, I'm MVP of bobbing for apples.
And then it just keeps going, like, ad nauseam on repeat until the end of of the evening.
So, Elizabeth Krebs is like, I have a feeling this is really gonna work.
I've exhausted this youthful population to the point where they can't do shit.
This is awesome.
So, she goes to bed, wakes up the next morning, November 1st, 1913, parts the curtains but everything's leveled again.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, no shit! Are you kidding me? And look at that.
A mail truck's on fire.
Someone's waiting for a postcard that's never gonna arrive because that mail truck got lit the [bleep.]
on fire.
And she's like, I had this decent-sized party.
How could these kids even have it in them to take a piss on everything? But then, Elizabeth Krebs is like, you know what? (Snaps fingers) I got an idea.
So, she goes home.
And Elizabeth Krebs spends the entire next year planning for this party.
And she devoted all of her own time and resources and money into making a [bleep.]
huge rager.
(Gulps) Oh, I spilled.
Happy Halloween.
And now look - for the whole rest of it.
- What happened? I dribbled, man.
I [bleep.]
dribbled.
- (Laughs) - So It is October 31st, 1914.
She's waiting at town square.
And eventually poof-poof-poof-poof.
What's that? Kids in costumes trickling in to the town square, ready to [bleep.]
rage.
And she's like, thank God because I knew this was gonna be a thing and it was.
So, these kids these hooligans are at this party and band comes in, starts playing.
Too-too-too-too That's felt weak sauce.
(Laughs) Was that weak sauce? - I love that song.
- So, anyway.
The hooligans are like, hey man, I'm pretty shocked that old Mrs.
Krebs is throwing, like, the [bleep.]
coolest party I ever seen in Hiawatha, Kansas.
And so, everybody gets marched down to the Armstrong opera house.
And Elizabeth Krebs is like, Yo, that's a long way and those kids are gonna be [bleep.]
tired by the time they get there.
And they're actually really enjoying themselves.
And they're like, man, this is my jam.
This is "Danny Boy.
" This is top of the charts.
So, the band keeps playing, playing, playing until these kids are, like, zombified.
It's, like, "Thriller.
" And Elizabeth Krebs is like, that's good.
I like that.
I like that.
So, she goes home, she goes to bed, wakes up next morning, November 1st, 1914, What does she see? How's her garden looking, Derek? I'm not sure.
I'm a little worried that it's gonna be destroyed.
No.
Phoo.
She looks out.
And she's like, Asters, right there.
Heirloom roses, right there.
[Bleep.]
gourds, boom.
It's like, all the shit is lined up.
It's exactly as it should be.
People are in awe of her.
They're like, Elizabeth, nobody destroyed my house.
Nobody broke my windows.
Chief of police comes up.
Thank you, Elizabeth Krebs.
Thank you, because guess what? Vandalism reports? (Whooshes) Way down precipitously.
And actually, nobody was up to anything other than partying at your [bleep.]
rager.
She's like, [bleep.]
damn straight.
And he's like, we're gonna keep this tradition rolling pretty much forever.
She's like, sounds good.
So, it changed the way we celebrate Halloween here and everywhere.
That was all because one woman Elizabeth Krebs said, Halloween is not about turning over outhouses to put poo on people's lawns.
It is about dressing up really cute, getting a shit-ton of candy.
Booyah.
Oh, shit.
This is like Real serious makeup.
This is my favorite Halloween, by the way.
'Cause I've never liked Halloween.
(Laughs) Me too.
I think you're looking good.
I think I've pretty much handled it at this point.
(Laughs) I think I pretty much got to the bottom of it.
Is it all gone? - There we go.
- (Laughs) That's really good.
You looking good, dude.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
So, this is premium kosher slivovitz.
The drink from Dracula.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- (Garbled speech) - Hmm? - (Clears throat) (Coughs) It's so hard to get in your mouth with these teeth in.
That went mo that went a lot in my nose.
Hello.
I'm Greg Tuculescu.
And today (Laughs) Today we're gonna talk about Vlad the Impaler.
The real man behind Dracula.
So, it's 1447, and Vlad III from Wallachia is a political prisoner in the Ottoman Empire.
And Vlad is like, I wanna go back to my dad.
I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne! And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like, I kinda like it here.
I really like the salt and sun and Memed II.
And Memed's like, I like you too.
And then, out of nowhere this boyar shows up.
This nobleman.
And he's breathless, and he's like, Vlad! I have bad news.
Your father is dead.
He's dead.
He was killed by rival boyars.
And Vlad is like, I'd like to avenge my father's death, please.
Can you please release me? And they're like, (belches) okay.
But Radu's gonna stay here if that's cool.
And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.
So, um, he rides to Wallachia, kicks down the door, and he's like, you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.
- (Giggles) - (Loud thud) Ohh.
Watch that head.
Oww.
Anyway.
He's like, sweet.
I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.
Let's have a partaaay! And he invites all these boyars.
He's like, guys, let's [bleep.]
bury the hatchet.
I know you killed my father.
That's fine.
You don't worry but don't worry about it.
You killed my dad.
That's okay.
So the boyars are like, we'll [bleep.]
do whatever you feel like is good.
They like, drink and have a great time.
Uh (giggles) And then they're gonna leave, and they're like, great, thank you so much, but we had such a great time.
We're gonna head out.
And Vlad's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut the doors.
(Doors slamming) All the boyars are like, wait, what? So, Vlad's like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take a stake that's like sharpened almost to a point kind of.
Not to a point.
A little rounded.
And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.
And then I'm gonna, like, go into your esophagus, and then I'm gonna stick it out your mouth.
(Whispers) I'm going to impale you.
And he does that to 200 boyars.
It's (laughs) It's [bleep.]
sadistic.
And he impaled [bleep.]
200 boyars.
In his court in (talking gibberish, laughing) Vlad is like, call me Dracula.
So, he's, like, going around doing this to everybody.
He's like, you, you look like you're an adulterer.
You, you look like you're lazy.
You, you look like you're a thief! I'm gonna impale all of you! And he impales them.
And he burns the whole [bleep.]
town to the ground.
And there's a German monk there and he's like, (german accent) oh, mein Gott! He's dipping his bread in the blood of his victims! Und he's eating it! (Normal voice) That's a vampire.
He instorters He instorters? - He ins he - (Sniggers) Instills order in Wallachia.
So, Memed is like, your brother wants to be called "Dracula.
" And Radu's like, (laughs) Dracula? That just means, like, son of Dracul which we both are.
That's lame.
And Memed's like, we should definitely attack Vlad because Vlad's being a super dick.
So, Memed crosses into Wallachia with these, like, 60,000 troops and Dracula's like, I get it.
I'm outnumbered.
So, I'm gonna retreat, but what I want you guys to do my colonels and lieutenants and generals and shit I want you to burn (whispers) everything! And they're like, all right, but we're, like, [bleep.]
up our own land.
And he's like, yes! (Whispers) Destroy Wallachia Vallachia.
So, they do it.
And they [bleep.]
up everything.
Boo-too-too-too-too Halloween Boowubububu (Laughs) [Bleep.]
Halloween, baby.
- Ooh! - (Laughs) So, anyway When Memed comes through, they come upon a sight that makes his soldiers stop in their tracks.
And it is a section half a mile wide and two miles long of over 20,000 Turkish soldiers and prisoners - that have been impaled.
- (Wincing) Mm! And Memed sees it and he's like, Jesus! I don't even believe in Jesus.
Holy boly Allah, holy Muhammad.
It's like a forest of the impaled.
And he's like, you know what, guys? Let's turn around.
And they just turned around and left.
So, Vlad has won.
He's like, (laughs) Yay! He was arguably the most sadistic liver - (Laughs) - L He was arguably the most sadi distic.
.
The most sadistic ruler that ever lived.
But then, Radu is like, Mmm, hold on a second.
Uh, people of Wallachia? Mm, Vlad is sucks.
He's, like, a piece of shit, right? So, like, why don't you support me? I'm a good guy.
And they kick Vlad Dracula out of Wallachia.
Vlad's like (Hisses) So, fast forward 12 years.
Vlad is, like, fighting some, like, border skirmish or something.
And then, this Turkish assassin, like, - shoots him with an arrow - (Whooshes sharply) And he goes to Vlad, and then he kills him.
And chops off his head! And he takes the head back to Memed.
And Memed is like, cool.
I'm gonna put it on a stake.
'Cause he loved to impale people.
And Vlad's like, (Scoffs) Whatever.
I don't even feel this.
I'm already dead.
Joke's on you guys.
(Giggles) (Dramatic music) My head's on a stake.
Look at my face, people! Look at my face, mother [bleep.]
.
(Laughs) (Giggles) (Snorts) (Sighs) Oh, my God.
I'm spinning really badly.
So, 400 years later, Bram Stoker was like, huh, this is interesting.
This like, legend of vampires.
Maybe I can write a story about this.
And it became one of the biggest horror classics ever.
It still is.
Yeah.
I mean, like, think about Who doesn't know who Dracula is? Everybody knows [bleep.]
Dracula.
Everyone knows that vampire story.
There's cereal named after him.
Yeah! Right? Count Chocula.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not Count Dracula.
- Yeah, right? - Count Chocula.
(Laughs) It's not Count Dracula.
(Giggles) 'Cause there's chocolate sugar pieces in it! (Laughs) (Patriotic music)