Everybody Loves Raymond s05e13 Episode Script

Nothing but open field ahead of him.
what a block! - Ray, phone.
- Take a message.
Ray, phone.
- Hey, get me a - No, get it yourself.
That's the rule.
Looking for the blitz Hey, Gianni, you going to the kitchen? I'm watching the game.
You're not thirsty? You look like you're thirsty.
You look hungry, too.
What do I want? Pretzels and ginger ale.
And macaroni and cheese.
- Man, are they annoying.
- At least you get to go home.
Uh-huh, all right.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Whoo-whoo-whoo! Yeah, yeah, get a good look at this face, sucka, 'cause it's the last time it'll be the face of a man who's never been to the greatest place a man could go.
Wherever it is, I hope they have mouthwash.
Oh, gee, I don't know.
Do they have mouthwash at the Super Bowl? - What? - Yeah, damn right, "What?" The paper's sending me to Tampa to cover the Friday press conference, and then I get to hang out and go to the game on Sunday.
Whoo-whoo-whoo! - Oh, congratulations, Raymond.
- Thank you.
You lucky freak of a moron.
Hey, come on, I don't know if it's wise to insult a man who has an extra ticket.
If you're jacking me around, I'm gonna rip your arm off at the elbow.
No jack, dude.
You and me leaving tomorrow, - Super Bowl.
- I don't usually do this.
All right.
This is the greatest moment of my life.
I love you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right.
This is incredible, man.
Tomorrow? I gotta go buy clothes.
- I'm gonna need underwear.
- Yeah, get underwear.
Get some underwear.
- Call you later.
Super Bowl! - Okay, all right.
They still looking at me? Oh, yeah.
You know what? I'm just gonna stand here and wait 'em out.
Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Still there? Yep.
Would you mind distracting them with some nudity? - All right, listen - What's this about Super Bowl tickets? Oh, boy.
You got an extra ticket to the Super Bowl, and you're taking Gianni? That ticket should be mine, and you know it.
All right, look.
First of all, put the fork down, Dad.
I'll put the fork down when there's a ticket on it.
Wait a minute.
What about me? All right, both of you, stop it.
Raymond, you have to get two more tickets.
- I can't do that, Ma.
- Well, just call up someone.
You want me to call? Ma, there's nobody to You can't What's the number of the Super Bowl? That's now how it works, Ma.
Look, listen, taking Gianni is the only fair thing, okay? If I had asked one of you to go, then the other one would have been mad.
No, you would have chosen a family member, - and that would have been honorable.
- Oh, come on.
Dad, would you have been happy if I asked Robert to go? Give me my ticket.
Okay, listen, you know what? I don't have a ticket for either of you.
I'm sorry.
I told Gianni I was gonna take him, and I'm gonna take him.
Well, that's the way it should be, I guess.
You take Gianni, Raymond.
Have a grand time.
Hey, why don't you get one of those big "number one" foam fingers and wave it in the air? 'Cause you're number one, Raymond.
You're number one! But remember this "One is the loneliest number you'll ever do.
" Huh? All right, now that he's gone, give me my ticket.
- Dad, I told you I don't have one.
- Fine, fine.
Do what you want.
Let me tell you this I know what it's gonna say on my tombstone.
"My son went to the Super Bowl, and now I'm dead.
" No, don't, don't, Ma.
Don't do it.
What? Don't try to get me to change my mind, okay? I see you're firing up all the pistons in your little guilt machine.
I don't have a guilt machine, Raymond.
All I have is the hope that our family could be happy.
There's a lot of miles on that machine, but it runs like new.
Can you believe this? It's the best assignment I've ever gotten, and I can't even enjoy it now 'cause everybody hates me.
I understand, Ray.
You know what? It's your trip, and you're entitled to take your friend instead of your brother or your father or your wife.
Wife? Yeah, wife that's me, remember? Oh, I know the song Yeah.
I know that song.
It was the happiest day of my life.
You get to go on this great trip, and it never even occurred to you to ask me.
- But that's because this is football.
- So what? Oh, come on, if you had two tickets to the Pottery Barn Grand Championships, would you wanna take me? Ray, I don't care about the football, but what about us getting away together? You're going to this nice hotel.
We could have dinner.
Okay, see, that's the problem.
The hotel with the paper's budget, it's probably a halfway house, and the food's gonna stink.
You just told me this was the greatest assignment you'd ever gotten.
That's the key word assignment.
Nobody brings their wives, 'cause that weekend they're married to the game.
- Assignment.
- You know what? You said you were gonna take Gianni, so you should take Gianni.
- I told him I was gonna take him.
- All right, so just go.
Look, I don't want to go if you're gonna hate me.
- I don't hate you, Ray.
- Oh, come on, look.
When I get back, you and I, we'll go somewhere.
You know, we should because we never get away together.
- Okay, then we will, all right? - Okay, yeah.
And we'll go where you wanna go, you know"girlie land.
" - Okay.
- Yeah, I mean it.
- All right.
- It'll be great.
We'll wear matching sweaters, and we'll walk in the mountains, and we won't come home until we find a rainbow.
Okay? Okay, you're all set.
Somebody will be here in a minute - to help you with your bags.
- All righty, thank you.
Great.
Hey, Ray, they got a frozen yogurt machine in that restaurant.
- You want a cone? - Not now.
It's 10:30 in the morning.
- There are no rules this week, pal.
- No.
- I'm getting one.
- Vanilla chocolate swirly.
So Barone finally makes it to the big one.
Hey, Stu, I didn't know "The Daily News" covered the Super Bowl.
Oh, yeah, yeah, funny.
Hey, you know Mary Jo, my wife.
- Oh, yeah, hi.
- Sure.
Hi, Ray.
- How are you? - Nice to see you.
- Hey, Barone.
- Hey.
- Doug, what's up? - Not much.
- Hi, Ray.
- Oh, hi, Lori, hi.
Boy.
- How you doing? - Hey, Rich.
Hi, Lisa.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you again.
Wow, look at all you couples, yeah.
- Is Debra here? - Uh, no, no.
She wanted to come, but her eye She got hit in the head with a flute, yeah.
- Yeah, the kids, they throw - Oh, my goodness.
No, no, she's okay.
She's fine.
She just can't look at things right now, yeah.
Well, when I see her at school, I promise not to rub it in too much about all the fun she missed.
Yeah, right, right.
Damn it, that's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Although if you did tell her, she probably wouldn't understand much, 'cause that flute thing banged her up pretty bad.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Here you go, Raymie.
Got you sprinkles.
No rules.
I'm sorry, Gianni.
So when does she get here? She's driving in from the airport now, man.
I can't believe you're bringing her here.
All the guys brought their wives.
Plus, she deserves to have some fun, you know? There's crafts festivals and outlet stores.
Listen it's not gonna affect us at all, man, huh? We're still gonna golf all day.
It's just that at night, if there's a chance for hotel sex, I'd rather have her in the room than you.
You don't know that.
Come on, man, we still get to go to the Super Bowl, all right? Isn't that what it's all about, huh? The Super Bowl, we're at the Super Bowl I don't feel like dancing now.
I guess I gotta go move in with your fat reporter friend.
He's a good guy.
Mike really is.
He's a good guy.
Yeah, and where am I gonna end up tomorrow when you fly in your mother? Come on, man, just be cool, all right? Just be cool.
- Hey, hi.
Oh! - Hey, hi! - Hi, Gianni.
- Hello.
Everything all right? Yeah, no, no, everything's great.
See you two later.
Oh, man, now I feel bad.
No, don't.
He still gets to go to the game on Sunday, and you're here.
- It works out for everybody.
- All right, well Oh, my gosh.
Look at this! Yeah, guess I was wrong about the hotel.
It's pretty nice.
Oh gosh, yeah.
It's just Oh, Ray, it's beautiful.
Thank you for calling me.
Well, I mean, it was weird without you here.
So my mom had no problem taking the kids? No.
How lucky are we that she lives across the street? Whoa, whoa.
What, were you drinking on the plane? A little bit.
So it is so warm here.
I can't believe it.
- It's 15 degrees in New York.
- I know.
Hey, listen, the restaurants are all closed, but they got the 24-hour room service if we want it.
Uh-huh.
Or I could put this "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, and we would not be disturbed.
Hmmm Hold on.
Before you make your decision, let me throw this into the mix.
Come here.
- You are drunk.
- Oh, yes.
Ray, you wanna get some breakfast? Good morning.
Ooh, you look nice.
You should see me up close.
Yoo-hoo, anybody home? - Who's that? - That's Stu and Mary Jo.
Yeah, last night I told them that you were coming.
- Mary Jo is here? - Yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Good morning.
- I'm so glad you came.
- How's your eye? - Crafts festival! What's up? I told them to come by, 'cause they're going to this place that's right up your alley.
They have this international market set up downtown.
Arts and crafts from 50 different countries.
I'll bet some of them are foreign.
That sounds great.
So when? Ray, you should get ready.
Stu and I gotta go to that press conference.
Why don't you guys go ahead? Okay, so we'll meet you later.
Is there an entrance? We won't be done golfing.
In fact, you guys should get dinner on your own.
- We'll see you later.
- All right, I'm sure we can manage.
Ooh, Debra, come on.
The shuttle's probably down there.
- Okay, great.
So go tchotchke crazy.
- Wait, Ray.
- What? - Could we talk? Do you need to get ready? Do you want me to hold the shuttle? Yeah, do you want her to hold the shuttle? - No, Ray.
- Do you wanna take the next shuttle? They leave, like, every half-hour.
I'm not getting on any shuttle.
Yeah.
She was on a shuttle once and someone called her fat.
Well, maybe Debra can catch up with us later.
- Yeah, all right.
- I'll see you at the press conference.
Right, I'll see you there.
Don't you wanna go to the crafts place? By myself? No, what are you talking about? All the wives are going.
That's what happens here.
Every day the ladies do something really cool.
While the men golf.
That's what happens here.
And when are we together, Ray? Does that happen here? I'm gonna see you tonight, right? And then it's gonna really happen.
Come on, why aren't you happy? I thought you would like this.
Well, I can see why you like it, Ray.
Because let me see if I get this itinerary correct.
In the morning, you drop me off at wives' day camp, and then at night, I get to be your Super Bowl whore.
Wow, talk about putting a bad spin on it.
Well, how would you describe it, Ray? It's fun.
I'm having fun, and you're having fun.
Why you gotta get all potty mouth? Sorry.
My pimp told me you liked it rough.
What are you talking about? What did I do wrong? I should have known this was too good to be true.
- Will you tell me what the problem is? - That makes it even worse.
You just don't get it.
No, no, I don't get it.
What? I'm here.
I'm at the Super Bowl with my best friend.
I'm having a great time, with your blessing, mind you, and then I see the other wives are here, and they're having fun, and I thought you would have fun too.
I really did.
I really thought that you would like it.
Instead, you're yelling at me.
That's not fair.
You weren't even supposed to be here.
What did you say? What, the whole thing? No, just that last thing.
Oh, whatever that was, that wasn't the last thing, 'cause the last thing was gonna be "I'm sorry, and I'm stupid.
" Oh, oh Come on.
What's the matter? You know what? You never make plans with me.
We hardly spend any time together, and it doesn't seem to bother you.
The last thing we did together, what was it? We stopped at a drive-thru on the way home from me taking you to the doctor - to get your ear drained.
- That's right.
We had those great tacos.
Look, I know that this is the Super Bowl, but it's just I was so happy on the plane ride over here, because I thought that you Oh, you know, forget it.
I'm gonna go home.
No, no, you're not gonna go home.
No, look, I'm not gonna go golfing.
I'll go to the press conference, then you and I get the first shuttle - to the 50 countries.
- No, Ray.
No, come on.
I want to.
Then after that, we're gonna have dinner, and then after that, no sex.
You deserve it.
Doing that because you feel bad is not what I wanted.
Listen, no, that's where you're wrong, okay? I want to spend time with you.
Well, you'll have a good 20 minutes when you take me to the airport.
Look, that's not even funny.
Would you stop packing? Please, come on, we're gonna hang out today.
We're gonna hang out tomorrow too, and we're gonna hang out Sunday.
I'm not even gonna go to the Super Bowl.
What? Listen, I know it's hard for you to believe me, but I like spending time with you, and I mean it.
I won't go.
I will not go to the Super Bowl.
- I get what you're trying to do.
- I'm not trying, all right? I'm gonna rip up the tickets.
Where are they? - Yeah, all right, okay.
- You don't think so, right? You think I'm playing? All right, just let me find 'em.
- Here they are.
Here they are.
- All right, I get it.
- No, you don't get it.
There you go! - Stop! What are you doing? No, I don't stop it, baby.
I keep going.
See? Maybe you think I could Scotch-tape 'em back together.
- No, Ray, don't! - Now I can't.
See? Whoa, wait a minute.
Here's two little pieces.
They fell.
Maybe I can get in with these pieces.
You think so? I don't think so.
All gone.
I can't believe you did that.
I love you.
Why would you do that to me? You're supposed to be happy.
What are you doing? Hitting isn't happy.
Why would you rip up the Super Bowl tickets? I don't want you to give up the Super Bowl.
How selfish do you think I am? You love the Super Bowl.
That's the point I'm trying to make.
I love you more than the Super Bowl! The offer would have been enough.
For the rest of my life I'm gonna be known as the wife who made you eat your Super Bowl tickets! No, wait a minute.
I only ate the tickets so you could be happy.
- You have to be happy now.
- Nobody told you to do that! That's the good part.
I wanna spend time with you! - I wanna spend time with you! - We got plenty of time now! Now I'm a little unhappy.
What about Gianni? You ripped up his ticket, too.
What are you gonna tell him? That you made me do it.
Second down and nine on their own 35.
Just over nine minutes to go in the quarter, and they need to score on this drive.
Looking for the blitz that he knows is coming and it is!