Futurama s05e13 Episode Script

Bend Her Welcome to the games of the 3004 Earth olympiad! Continuing this network's tradition of sportscasting excellence.
Celebrity Ape Fight will return next week at its regular time.
Who should I root for? America? Or a country I learned about at the food court? How about those guys? No.
They're from the Republic of French Stereotypes.
Everybody hates them.
Oh.
Let's go check on Hermes.
All this inspiring multiculturalism is angrying up my blood! Sweden? I don't think so.
Go on, stick, touch me.
Can't do it.
Husband! You haven't been an Olympic-class limbo-er for 20 years! Quit Iying to your pudgy self.
It seems like Jamaica would be able to field a strong limbo team without you.
Yeah.
Isn't that basically all Jamaicans do? Jamaicans have other interests! Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport.
That's when they begged my husband to step in and make an ass out of himself.
And I said I'd try my very best.
But have they seen your, you know, physique since the old days? I described it to them on the phone using a series of artfuI euphemisms.
Don't worry.
The fat pig will do fine thanks to this Flabbo-Dynamic Spandex Body Suit I've designed.
It redistributes his weight, shifting his center of gravity closer to his knees.
Ooh, that's snug.
Oh! - Those haven't descended in years! - Now, that's a limbo-er's body! Look at that fine Jamaican bacon! Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting.
Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals.
Wow! That guy must be, like, the world's greatest bender! My dreams of glory died before they began.
Welcome to my life.
Athletes, please take your lanes for the Men's 500 Meter Limbo.
Hermes Conrad, is that you inside that dumpy little fat man? Barbados Slim! What are you doing here? - Last time I heard, you were in Barbados.
- Yes, and I'll be going back there with a gold medaI draped around my elegant Caribbean shoulders.
Your body may be as perfectly sculpted as it was 20 years ago when you whupped my fat ass every time.
But today, I feeI lucky.
I see you're still able to limbo under the bar of fashion sense.
That's it, Barbados Slim! You've gone one toke over the line! Limbo-ers, on your marks.
Get rubbery.
Limbo! There they go! And Barbados Slim takes an early lead.
God, I hope he wins.
What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap.
He's limboed out of retirement and straight into my heart.
I say, "Go to hell, Barbados Slim!" - Go, body suit! Go! - Come on! Come on, Hermes! Beat that mahogany god! It's Barbados, then Conrad.
Conrad pulls ahead.
And Conrad is disqualified! Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold! Oh, there, there, Hermes.
You did your best.
If I'd wanted a human adonis for a husband I'd have stayed married to Barbados Slim.
Well, enough about Hermes.
I couldn't win a medaI either.
Even at bending, the thing I was built to do.
I'm so embarrassed.
I wish everybody else was dead.
Up next, the Fem-bot Bending Competition.
Fem-bots? Methinks a clever man-bot, suitably disguised might win those events.
But the charade would require subtlety, nuance, grace.
What do you mean I'm not registered? My name is Coilette, and I'm from Robonia.
- Coilette's a chick's name.
- Yes.
But "Robonia" sounds like something somebody made up on the spot.
Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick? Yeah.
And it's straight! Coilette wins! Another gold medal for the spunky maid from Robonia! A perfect bend and a flawless entry.
No splash at all! Perfect scores! A record five gold medals for Coilette! I'm great! Everybody else sucks! Except that guy Bender.
He's really something.
All medalists report for gender testing.
You actually thought they'd let you walk away without an engine-oiI sex check? Oh, God! I'm not gonna get my medals! They're all I have to remember my Olympic career! Wait! I've got it! - Professor, make a woman out of me! - Oh, I think we should just stay friends.
I don't need friends! I need a sex-change operation, and give it to me now! Bender, a robot sex change is a complex and dangerous procedure.
Replacing your testoster-oiI with fem-bot lubricants can cause wild mood swings.
And the effects may be irreversible.
- Well, let's get started.
- No! You can't! If you have even the slightest respect for the dignity of women- Pfft.
I'm sorry, ladies, but I must do this.
Not for you.
Not for Bender.
But for the proud people of Robonia! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick.
- However, I will watch out of curiosity.
- Quiet! I'm about to begin the process of reshaping Bender's body into a tender, delicate form.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Hey! Draining male oiI.
Infusing female oiI.
Removing item.
We can't wait for Coilette any longer! I have to get home to watch The Zombie osbournes.
I'm ready for my test now, boys.
Hail, hail Robonia A land I didn't make up Yeah, come on, baby.
Take that.
Goodness.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Come on.
Work your cans.
Now, shake it out.
I don't know which I'm more: enraged or disgusted.
I'm just out there making us ladies look good.
Snuh-uh.
You're making us look like jerks in front of the other genders! - You're not really a lady anyway, right? - Of course not.
Dear Lord, a coaster! The FemmzoiI must be sashaying girlishly into your processor.
Then change me back.
My breasts are keeping me awake at night anyway.
Ooh-ooh! Hello? What? A guest spot on Late Night With Humorbot 5.
0? I'd love to! My own limo? No, I don't have my own limo.
You'd better send one.
I need a rain check on that nad swap, professor.
I'm going on TV.
Come on, Fry.
Help me pick out a pantsuit.
So, Calculon, do you want to set up this clip from All My Circuits? No, I think it's self-explanatory.
No! Funny story.
The script called for me to say "yes.
" - But I gave it a little twist.
- Anecdote accepted.
Snappy comeback not found.
Please put your hands together for my next guest winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia.
So, Coilette, many young fem-bots wish to emulate you.
- Any advice for them? - Yes, Humorbot.
If you ask me, women today are too stuck-up to go out and jiggle their Jell-O like everybody wants them to.
In fact, should I do it now? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! All right, then.
Look out, baby! Good.
Work it out.
Oh, shake that thing.
You got to use it, lady.
Shake it up a little.
That's right.
Come on.
Work it out.
Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the five- Olympic-gold-medaI-winning fem-bots.
From this day forth, I shall do so whenever possible.
Golly! What? - Coilette, this may be presumptuous - That's my favorite kind of "this.
" but I would be honored if you would join me for dinner sometime.
Woo Calculon, you'd be fulfilling this naive Robonian farm girI's fantasy.
Of course I would.
This top makes me look fat.
Is it trampy to go on a first date nude? - Yes! - Perfect! You've gotta tell me.
You're not actually attracted to Calculon, right? - And if you are, don't tell me.
Are you? - Certainly not.
But just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
Is that so much to ask? I think you dating a man-bot is a disgrace.
And I refuse to be involved.
And you have way too much lipstick on.
Are you kidding? I need more lipstick! Much more! Yeah, that's the stuff.
Men love it when you really glob it on.
- No, they don't! - No way! Oh, please! Every man wants a tramp.
No wonder you girls aren't married.
I tell you, men are so much better at being women.
But what if he wants to-? I mean, if he tries to-? Barry White? I'll tell him I need a commitment first.
That'll stick a potato in his tailpipe.
Good Lord, man! What kind of temporary woman are you? Look, why don't all of you just back off? Can't a girI enjoy herself without being judged? Oh, dear! Her mood swings are getting wilder.
She's becoming a slave to her emotions.
Just like all women.
Particularly you, Leela.
I'm worried about him too, professor.
Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away.
You saved me a trip to the dump.
Bam! I'd appreciate it if you didn't "bam" the young lady.
Well, I'd appreciate it if I did, so I guess we're even.
You know, Coilette, I've never before met a woman as fascinating as I am.
You're such a sweet, soft fem-bot, yet you have this free spirit about you.
And there it is.
It's as if you understand the male mind better than I.
- I've never met anyone like you.
- Oh, yes, you have.
Coilette, I'd like to spend some quality time with you.
What? Oh, no way! Not gonna happen! What kind of girI do you think I am? Have I mentioned that I own the world's biggest and most elegant yacht? Whoo! I'm a trophy girlfriend! No kidding.
These gifts have been coming nonstop.
I think Calculon's falling for you.
Ah, any day now he'll dump me for a new wad of arm candy.
And then I can turn back into a guy and hock all this stuff.
It's just a game.
Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't sleep at night! Although, as a robot, I don't do that anyway.
But if I did, I couldn't because I love you so.
Oh, my darling.
Will you marry me? Oh, Calculon.
Yes, I will! Maybe she's right about the lipstick.
I'll miss you.
You've been like a brother and then a sister to me.
And now you're getting married.
I love you, man.
- The marriage is a scam.
- CooI.
What's for dinner? - What do you mean, a scam? - I marry Calculon, divorce him take half his money and turn back into a guy.
It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme.
- That's marriage, all right.
- That is so unbelievably manipulative! You never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry? I, uh I thought I might like him on a full stomach.
Nice try, sister.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner.
Zoidberg? Zoidy-Poo? Please tell me frilly is in this year.
I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life.
I know I will.
Late at night it taunts me with its frosted beauty.
Order the cake, damn it! I have something for you.
A remote controI? You got me a TV? No, my dearest.
It's the remote controI to my heart.
It symbolizes the power you have to sway my emotions.
- Will it work on my TV? - We don't need TVs.
We have each other.
Coilette, if I weren't able to spend my life with you I would leap from this very balloon.
- Come on with that.
Really? - Yes.
We were meant to be.
So you really and truly love me? So much so that I'm prepared to give up show business itself to be with you.
But you always said you'd rather burn down a convent - than give up show business.
- I always said many things.
But now all I want is a peacefuI life in a quiet villa overlooking a vineyard with you.
- Would we have donkeys? - All you could eat.
Oh, take me in your arms and compress me! Compress me tight! Stop! Let us climb to the heavens that the gods themselves might envy us! I just don't think I can go through with this scam.
- What? - So now you do want to marry him? No.
I just don't want to hurt him or humiliate him.
Oh, curse this woman's heart! Ick.
You're falling into the finaI debilitating stages of womanhood! You've waited too long to switch back, you dingbat! Okay, look, if I help you with this do you promise to get out of my gender and stay out? Uh-huh.
All right.
Now, there's no way to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon.
But he's an actor.
If there's one kind of pain he can handle it's soap opera pain.
- Okay, is everyone ready? - Yep! - Check.
- Basically.
Dearly beloved actors and casting people who might be looking for someone to play a preacher I welcome you! The bride has written some vows that we will now all pretend to be interested in.
Dearest Calculon, forever is not enough time to tell you of the many ways I love you.
- Oh, my! - Is there a doctor in-? I came as soon as I could.
Oh, it appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever! Dear God! The very illness my TV character caught in season two when I was holding out for more money.
It's often fataI.
Whatever happens, remember: The flame of my eternaI love will burn forever.
Of course.
But, smoochy-pops, I thought one could only catch hydraulic fever deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.
Coilette! You she-deviI! You really thought you could steaI those diamonds from me and Congo Jack? Those gems belong to the natives! Hee-ya! Oh, how crueI and melodramatic fate is! Why? Calculon, my darling, your loud "why" brought me partway back to life.
- Congo Jack! - Another shocking twist! Yes! And I have a message for you from CoI.
Matombay.
He says, "This is from Congo Jack.
" Uh, um No.
No! N- O-O-O! I won't leave you.
Not untiI I'm sure you understand the thing I said before about my eternaI love for you burning.
- Et cetera.
- I do.
- I do.
- Okay, then.
I'm a doctor.
She's dead.
She lives no more.
But let us all find comfort, knowing that she truly loved me.
To honor my pain, I shall star in a film dedicated to her memory.
And this time, the Academy will not deny me.
Not when they see Coilette: The Calculon Story.
Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow, anger, fear.
Every emotion an actor can display.
Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ah! I hope this taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win gold medals.
It truly has.
My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.
- Almost done.
- If only somehow, some way he and I could drive to Vegas, pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo! Yay! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normaI.
I hoped this experience would have left you more open to your sensitive side.
Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do? Coilette, the skies themselves weep upon the sweetest flower of all the field.
- Ew.
- Blech.
- SentimentaI dribble poop! - Come on, Bender, let's go.
- This chick flick is getting me all barfy.
- Yeah.
Emotions are dumb and should be hated.
Good night forever, my turtledove.
- Good night, Calculon.
- What did you say? I said, "You two don't dress trampy enough! " I still got it.