Get Smart (1965) s05e13 Episode Script

( wind howling ) Yes, yes.
I see.
All right, I've got it.
Thank you very much.
Yes yes, I see.
Yes.
Fine.
Well, get back to me as soon as you can.
Thank you.
Another bulletin, sir.
The Mississippi River is almost frozen over, and snow flurries are starting to fall at the equator.
Good grief, Colonel Quinton, this is frightening.
- General Christian.
- Yes, Admiral Crichton.
I've just had a communique, sir, stating that the reservoirs in the New York State area are frozen solid.
In New York City alone, Manhattan, the Bronx and Brooklyn - are having a drinking problem.
- How about Flushing? I believe they're having a little trouble with that too, sir.
( telephone ringing ) General Christian speaking.
General, this is the Chief of CONTROL.
I'm in Miami, and I won't be able to get out because we're under - That's bad.
- Let me talk to him, Chief.
Hello, General.
This is Maxwell Smart.
I'm stuck down here too.
Well, that's good.
I'm assigning Agent 99 to the case and the CIA is sending one of their top men.
They should be reporting any minute.
Good luck.
- What's bad, sir? - The Chief of CONTROL - is on a special case in Miami Beach.
- What's good, sir? Maxwell Smart is with him.
How I envy him.
Now's a good time to be in Miami.
I'm afraid not.
Miami Beach is under - What are we gonna do, sir? - He's assigned one of his top agents to the case and the CIA Is sending one of their top men.
They should be here almost any minute.
Gentlemen, if these agents can't stop this, we are on the verge of another ice age.
( intercom buzzes ) - Yes.
- Man: CONTROL Agent 99 and CIA Agent Quigley are here, sir.
Good, send 'em right in.
How do you do, Quigley, 99? I'm General Christian, Colonel Quinton, Admiral Crichton.
- General Crichton.
Admiral-- - Christian.
- Admiral Christian.
- No, I'm Christian.
- Oh, you're Admiral Christian.
- I'm General Christian.
Oh, then you must be Colonel Crichton.
No, I'm Quinton.
Admiral Quinton.
No, he's Colonel Quinton.
Quigley, the General's name is Christian.
The Admiral's name is Crichton and the colonel's name is Quinton.
Hi, fellas.
Now suppose we get to the, uh problem at hand.
Now, 99, Quigley, the entire world is at the mercy of a madman.
Have you heard of Professor Stanislavski? Wasn't he the Polish scientist who said he had some method for freezing over the world? Oh, yeah, the Stanislavski Method.
He tried to sell it to every nation in the world, - but no one would believe him.
- He's succeeding now.
Now we believe he's operating from an underground laboratory up here near the North Pole.
- Uh, right up-- - Right here, General.
Here, General.
- Are we alone on this assignment? - Oh no, 99.
Every nation in the world is joining forces in order to do what must be done to stop this madman.
Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.
Great Britain has offered us air cover.
South America has offered the knowledge of its top German scientists.
And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.
Now in this envelope is the exact location of Professor Stanislavski's underground laboratory.
I want you to guard that with your life.
I promise you, this envelope will never leave my hands.
I didn't promise about the map.
I just said take these along with you, Quigley.
They're scientifically treated so that they will insulate you against the cold.
- Thank you very much.
- Now are you to leave immediately for Wolf Jaw, Canada.
There you will go to the Yellow Dog Saloon where you will be contacted and given further instructions.
Goodbye, General Quinton, Admiral Christian, - Colonel-- - Fellas.
- Fellas.
- Now remember, Quigley, the entire world is depending on you.
It couldn't be in better hands.
( theme music playing ) ( piano music playing ) ( wind howling ) Oh, I'm so frozen I don't think I'll ever thaw out.
- Maybe you can be next in the stove.
- Huh? That's one of our men-- Agent 44.
Is that you, 44? Well, it ain't Daniel Webster.
Hello, 99.
- How are the twins? - Oh, they're fine, 44.
My mother's taking care of them.
Max is on an assignment in Florida.
So this is Agent Quigley of the CIA Nice to meet you.
Say, how do you stand all that heat in there? I'm wearing Bermuda shorts.
I didn't know you were on this assignment, 44.
What are our instructions? You're to go to the bar and order a beer.
Then bring it back here and I'll give you further instructions.
- Roger.
I'll do it, 99.
You wait here.
- Right.
One beer.
Say, 99, would you like-- Can I-- another one, please.
- Another one, please.
- ( mumbles ) - ( glass shatters ) - Say, what's holding that beer? Thank you.
Here, 44.
Don't drop it.
Ahhhh! Is there a secret message - in there or something? - No.
- Well, what did you want the beer for? - I was thirsty.
What's our next move, 44? See those two Canadian Mounties at the table under the moose? - Both: Yes.
- They've been assigned to guide you to Professor Stanislavski's secret laboratory.
Identify yourselves with the passwords "When I'm calling you.
" - Is there anything else? - Yes.
Close the doors.
I'm getting a draft.
When I'm calling you.
( hums ) It's Siegfried and Shtarker.
Well, it ain't Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald, cookie.
Look, Smart, if you had to pick a disguise, why did you pick such a dopey-looking one? I'm not Smart from CONTROL.
- Who are you? - I'm dopey from-- I'm Quigley from Intelligence.
What are you doing in those uniforms? What do you mean, what are we doing in these uniforms? They are our uniforms.
You mean KAOS has changed its uniforms? No, we are members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
- You are? - That's right.
And we always get our man.
( humming ) Shtarker.
( shouts ) - Doo-doo.
- This is not KAOS anymore.
We don't "doo-doo" here.
Do you mean to tell us you're not with KAOS anymore? Oh yeah, we had to quit.
We're getting too old for violence.
The college kids are taking over.
Now we are the good guys.
Well, you certainly don't expect us to believe that you're Mounties.
You bet your sweet Klondike we do.
- Well, I don't believe it.
- You have no choice but to believe us.
Because if you don't, who will take that map of yours and guide you through the wilderness to Professor Stanislavski's laboratory? We've decided to trust you, Siegfried.
You won't regret it.
We start immediately.
- Where's your dogsled? - We're parked right outside.
Next to the hydrant.
And now if you'll hand me the map, we'll be on our way.
Okay.
Here you are.
Good, and seeing as I'm leading the way, I'll hold on to the map.
Not so fast.
So you won't do anything funny, I'm going to hold on to the envelope.
- ( beeping ) - Uh-huh, yes.
As bad as all that, huh? All right, we'll get back to you.
- Who was that, sir? - Los Angeles.
Don't tell me it's snowing there too.
Either that or the smog is frozen.
Aha, that tracking device we put into Quigley's glove is working.
Oh, very good.
Latitude and longitude.
( mumbles ) Ahem.
That would put him right around there.
( wind howling ) ( barking ) Agent 99, you sleep in one tent, and Quigley and I will sleep in the other.
- What about Shtarker? - Shtarker sleeps with the dogs.
- You can't do that.
- Why not? The dogs don't mind.
You two make yourselves comfortable.
Shtarker and I will unload the sleds.
Shtarker! ( echoes ) Unload the sleds! Quigley, do you realize this is the first time we've been alone? Well, what did you have in mind, 99? Now we can use the radio and find out if Siegfried and Shtarker are really mounted police.
Oh yes, but do you realize how much power it'd take to reach the Pentagon from here? Oh no, Quigley, we don't have to call the Pentagon.
There's a mounted police station in Whitehorse.
That's pretty far too, but it's worth taking a chance.
- Where's the snowshoe phone? - Right here.
Hurry, Quigley.
This is Agent Quigley calling Royal Mounted headquarters in Whitehorse.
- Come in, Whitehorse.
- ( electronic whining ) - I think they're coming through.
- Good.
This is Agent Quigley.
Look, I wanna check out and find out if you have an Officer Shtarker - and Officer Siegfried.
- ( man speaks indistinctly ) Is this Whitehorse? Oh, well, thanks anyway.
- What happened? - I told you it wouldn't reach that far.
- How far did it reach? - The sled.
I was talking to Siegfried.
How do you like that? They still don't trust us.
Hmm, I wonder why not.
You think maybe they know we're gonna kill them? How could they possibly know a thing like that? Let me take a look at their map.
Oh yeah, we should reach Professor Stanislavski's laboratory in exactly 23 hours and a half.
Good, then we kill Agent Quigley and 99 now.
Put away that gun, Shtarker.
We'll do nothing of the sort.
We're not going to kill them? Mother nature will do it for us, hmm? We will slip away during the night.
And when they wake up tomorrow morning They'll be dead.
Quigley! Oh, oh! Quigley, Quigley, wake up.
Look, the tent's gone-- the dogs, the sled.
And Siegfried and Shtarker.
They've left us here without anything.
They've stranded us here to die.
- Well, that just proves it.
- What? They're not Mounties.
Look, it's Siegfried and Shtarker's tracks.
Right, if we follow those tracks, it'll lead us right to Professor Stanislavski's laboratory.
But we'd better hurry up before the snow covers those tracks.
- Where are your gloves? - Yesterday, one of them fell right into the water through the ice.
- What happened to the other one? - One of the dogs ate it.
Are you sure your information is correct, gentlemen? Positive, General.
Absolutely positive.
According to the position of my tracking glove, Quigley and 99 should be going over Niagara falls.
What about you, Quinton? I've got them inside a dog kennel in Quebec, sir.
Quigley, I don't think I can take another step.
Let's get a little rest and maybe that will renew our strength.
( yawning ) Oh, I'm so sleepy.
Ow! - What happened? - Nothing.
- I just hit my head on an igloo.
- Oh.
Both: An igloo! Come on.
Help, somebody help us! Look at this.
Look at that.
- ( bones crack ) - Oh, sorry, Quigley.
This is the secret laboratory of Professor Stanislavski.
Correction, cookie, this is the laboratory of the late Professor Stanislavski.
I've never been so famished my whole life.
Me either.
It's just delicious.
- What is that, Shtarker? - Penguins.
- Penguins? - Ja, penguins.
We find 'em right outside here.
We take off their little bow ties and their little white shirts.
Then we cooks 'em.
They're all finished eating, Siegfried.
Good.
Clean up the table.
What do I do with the bones? Do what you always do.
Bring in one of the dogs from the sled, defrost him, feed him, then freeze him up again.
- You freeze your dogs? - Of course.
But is that healthy for them? Healthy? Go feel how cold their noses are.
Shtarker ( speaking German ) It's not that we're not grateful for the food, but why in the world did you have to do away with Professor Stanislavski? Well, we had no further use for the professor.
And now his laboratory and his discoveries belong to KAOS.
But what are you gonna do with it? To begin with, we're going to freeze the United States! And when it is completely frozen over, KAOS' elite ice skating troops will skate in and conquer it.
KAOS has an ice skating troupe? Oh ja, the KAOS Capades.
Siegfried, maybe it's none of my business, but by what method was Professor Stanislavski able to bring that Arctic weather to the rest of the world right in the middle of the summer? The Stanislavski Method.
A method so simple, yet so effective that it staggers the imagination.
Look.
Quigley, it's a giant electric fan.
That information will do you no good.
We're going to kill you.
Just how do you plan to do that? We're going to put you back inside the igloo, block the entrance so you can't escape.
You will be entombed forever.
And while you are dying, the giant fan on top of the igloo will be ( blowing raspberries ) - Well.
- Well what? Well, aren't you going to say, "Shtarker, Shtarker ( grunts ) this is KAOS.
We don't ( blows raspberries ) here.
" No, up here in the Arctic you can get away with anything.
Get inside there.
There's something that I demand before you seal us inside that igloo.
What will you demand? I demand that you don't seal us up in the igloo.
( speaks German ) I don't understand that.
Oh, that I understand.
Get in there! - Come on! - Good work, Quigley.
We don't have any guns, Quigley.
What are we gonna do? Shtarker ( speaks German ) Listen, you go around that way.
I'll go around this way.
Be careful, Siegfried.
What do you mean "be careful," you sissy? They have no guns.
What can they do? Besides that? Excuse me, Siegfried.
Where could they have gone? ( whispers ) Shtarker.
I don't think it was - a good idea to hide here.
- Shh! Shh! Siegfried: Hurry, Shtarker, seal the tunnel.
Tunnel sealed.
Prepare the sleds.
- What about the dogs? - We don't need the dogs.
- We're going south, ja? - Ja.
It's downhill all the way.
What are we gonna do? We can't get out now.
Try and look on the bright side, 99.
- What's that? - They can't get in.
Oh! - Siegfried: Mush! - ( whip cracking ) - Mush! - Listen.
Mush! Mush! We've gotta get out there and stop that fan.
- But how can we? - I don't know.
Maybe I can kick this open.
No, that won't work.
It's no good, Quigley.
This ice is like steel.
It's so frustrating.
Quigley, you did it.
Come on, let's go out and stop that fan.
There's no switch out here.
It must be controlled by a power transmitter - somewhere hidden underground.
- Look, our supplies! Oh, 99, how can you think of food at a time like this? We've gotta stop that fan! No, you don't understand.
We brought dynamite.
Right, the dynamite.
- We can blow that thing sky high.
- Quick.
Hurry, Quigley.
- Are you ready? - Ready.
Hurry.
Oh! Come on, let's go.
Quigley, you have the dynamite in your hand! The dynamite.
Run! ( explosion ) - We did it.
- That did it.
That ends Professor Stanislavski's mad scheme.
I'm so proud of you, Quigley.
I can't wait to tell Max and the Chief.
Yeah, and General Quinton - and Admiral Christian-- - No, the General's name is Christian.
The Admiral's name is Crichton.
- I thought Quigley was-- - No, you're Quigley.
Both: The fellas.
( theme music playing )