Glee s05e13 Episode Script

Okay, Holly.
Will Schuester, Mr.
Figgins, Brad the piano player.
Oh, that's easy.
I'd bang Will Schuester, marry Figgins and push Brad the piano player off a cliff.
What? No way! Holly, I'd marry Will and have sex with Figgins.
See, I've gotten real good at getting my soul to float above my body when I'm doing the nasty.
So I'd cringe my way through a sweaty hump session with Figgins and bone Will Schuester well into my 60s.
Oh, fantastic.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't April Rhodes America's favorite alcoholic dwarf whore.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
Holly and I were just playing Kill, Marry or Bone.
Well, April, as you have absolutely no business whatsoever on this campus normally, I would have you physically removed.
However, since you seem to be hanging out with the willowy and winning Holly Holliday I am willing to make an exception.
- Hey, girl.
- Thanks, Coach.
You guys know each other? You bet your sweet ass we do.
Yep, the minute I met Miss Holliday, we immediately hit it off and we've been best of friends ever since.
Mm-hmm.
We're auditioning for The Amazing Race.
I'm Principal Sue Sylvester.
And I'm substitute Holly Holliday, and together we are- Team Gorgeous! As a seven-time national championship cheerleading coach I know what it's like to work as a team.
And I'm looking forward to the physical challenges.
And I'm looking forward to eating those half-formed fetal duck eggs.
So, Sue, um, April and I were just talking.
No, I'm sorry, Holly.
The Glee Club's over.
Okay, I know.
I just, um- I was just thinking, you know, just 'cause Glee Club is over doesn't mean that there can't be any music at this school, right? - What you getting at, Holly? - I mean, you know there are plenty of other clubs in this school.
- Maybe we could work a little music into some of them.
- That's right.
It's a proven fact when you put music into the classroom, test scores go up.
Oh, please, dear God, shut up.
- Sue, we're just asking for one week.
- Fine.
You have one week to somehow shoehorn music into McKinley's extracurricular clubs.
But, please, see if you can't involve William in this somehow.
It'll soften the blow of the Glee Club's cancellation.
Mmm! - - This time in a person's life is supposed to feel fresh and full of possibility but unlike every other senior at this school I seem to be the only one still waiting by the phone to be invited to the dance.
I got rejected by my backup school, Ohio State and Brown still hasn't told me if I got in yet.
And at this point, I'm taking desperate measures.
I get it.
I was adopted, and I've never been to temple but all of my friends are gonna be in New York and Mitzvah is the only school that is still accepting for fall semester.
I wrote an essay about why the reason I'm applying so late was because I was on a kibbutz, whatever that is.
So, here we go.
Fingers crossed.
I just gotta get to New York somehow.
Wh-What are you guys doing? Mr.
Schue wanted us to pack away the trophies before Sue came in and had the Cheerios do it.
- No, don't get upset.
Oh.
- I'm upset.
You might want to sit down.
I have huge news.
You guys got married and adopted Russian twin babies.
Yes! - I got into NYADA! - Blaine got into NYADA! - Oh, my God! - Congratulations! - I knew you would.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, my God! You guys, you know what this means? - Wow! - All of us, we're all going to New York together! - Whoo! You guys, we're gonna miss our shift.
- Ew! - Hey! Hey! If I wanted to watch men in capri pants slobbering all over each other, I'd watch Monday Night Football.
Whoo! Man, those 10 flights of stairs are a bitch.
- I wish this apartment had an elevator.
- It does.
Now you tell me.
Sam, where are your clothes? Oh, I think I left 'em at the Laundromat.
Again? Rachel, quit hogging the bathroom! I'm never coming out of here! - That's what I said sophomore year of high school.
- I'm serious.
Open the G-dang door.
I'm never getting spray-tanned again at a Vietnamese doughnut shop.
Where do we keep the ketchup? Mike Chang! What are you doing here? I'm here to win Tina back.
Did I say that out loud? Also, I'm here to teach dance to the homeless and I brought a few chums to help me out.
Oh, my God.
Sam, where's your clothes? Oh.
I knew I forgot something.
Oh, my gosh, Tina.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
You guys, New York it's gonna be amazing.
You know, being here with everyone has brought so many good feelings and memories.
I mean, look at Puck and Quinn.
I have no idea what's going on there, nor do I know where her boyfriend ran off to but it looks like we can be expecting another "accidental" pregnancy sometime soon.
- Whoo! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - But, alas with the old good feelings come the old bad ones too.
Why, just today, Mercedes and I were in the lunch line when a battle from way back in the day came out a-and we found ourselves at each other's throats again.
They have zero nutritional value.
Listen, potatoes are vegetables, okay? And tots are made from potatoes.
Ergo, tots are vegetables.
I'd like some kind of proof of how much potato is actually in there.
And ruin the mystery? What in the hell is wrong with you? Move it.
Yes, I know.
It's really hard to see friends fighting but I'm glad that none of you were there to see it.
- I was behind you in line.
- Because the most upsetting thing is watching two people you love fight about something ridiculous and there not being anything you can do to stop it.
But thankfully we made up, and we have never been closer.
- Mmm.
- And we've decided to heal our hearts with a song.
You remember when we first met? I was in here doing my hair- Are you trying to make peace with me by getting all nostalgic? Because if so, you are forgetting the one thing that you should have learned from all of our magical time together and it's that I have no heart.
Look, I've been unkind to you.
Okay? And-And I won't get into the whole thing about how watching Kurt and Mercedes sing got me all sentimental because I know you'll just make fun of me for it.
No, you know what? Go ahead, please.
Because if I don't express my venom at least once a day, I get constipated.
I wanna give you 10 shows.
Any 10 shows after the first three months, all right? And you can pick.
They can be 10 in a row or one at a time.
It's a peace offering.
That way, your mom can come or your abuela.
I just- I don't wanna do this anymore.
It's exhausting and it's depressing.
No.
I want them all.
The only reason why you're doing this for me is because you know that I'm gonna go all Showgirls on you and win.
No more scraps, Rachel.
I'll be happy and kiss and be friends once you give me the part.
God, what is it about anymore with you, Santana? I just-I don't get it.
Yeah.
I'm just not sold on the whole idea.
Will, this is going to work.
I swear.
- You just have to trust me.
- Okay.
Hey there, Animal Husbandry Club! I'm animal rights activist Temple Grandin! Overcoming autism gave me insight into how to slaughter livestock in a more humane way! I think in pictures, not words and I'm hypersensitive to loud noise! But that don't mean I don't know how to party.
Hit it! Diamonds on your fingers.
How's that for a field trip? Oh, my God.
Are these all lilies? They're the lesbian of flowers.
I also got you this.
Two tickets to Lesbos Island? Britt, these are both one-way.
Yeah, I figured once we arrived at the girl-on-girl paradise that is Lesbos that we'd never want to leave.
Okay, listen.
Brittany, I love you, but running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you want to do.
You just don't want to go back to M.
I.
T.
And you shouldn't.
Just because your amazing mathematical mind can solve all the world's problems doesn't mean that it has to.
That's not your dream - and neither is being with me.
- You're one to talk.
Since when is becoming a Broadway star your goal in life? A star is a star.
It doesn't matter where in the sky I shine.
I don't wanna run away with you because I wanna run away.
I wanna run away with you because you and I are the only truly awesome people I've ever met and I'm tired of doing stuff that only matters to people less awesome than us.
Okay, but this isn't like your math stuff.
I'm gonna be rich and famous.
This is a great first step for me.
And besides, I'm not gonna let that dwarf Berry win.
Listen.
You have spent most of your life in the closet because you cared about what people thought about you.
Walking away from a dream that you don't actually care about is you winning because it's you saying "This is not who I am, and I don't care who knows it.
" You know, it's funny.
I spend months tangled up in knots and in five minutes, you straighten me out.
- Mm.
- You really are a genius.
I'm just the world's foremost expert in the field of Santana Lopez.
So, what do you wanna do? My life is literally over.
- Where the hell did all these flowers come from? - What's wrong, Tina? Nothing.
Just the fact that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in Lima because I'm not Jewish enough.
Dear Tina, Mitzvah University was delighted to receive your application albeit five weeks late.
However, we know the truth.
Your name is not Tina Cohen.
You are Tina Cohen-Chang.
You are a big fat liar.
I didn't get into Mitzvah so I'm the only one in this room who's not going to New York.
You don't need a college acceptance letter to get over that bridge.
I can't go there without some kind of plan.
Well, Kurt did, and I think he's doing pretty great.
- It's an adventure.
- Not for me.
You don't understand.
Without some kind of direction I feel like a giant, free-floating loser.
Yeah, like me.
- And me.
- And me.
Oof, that was nice.
Oof, that was nice.
- Hey, please, please, please, please come to New York.
- You don't need a plan.
You'll figure something out once you get there.
We can get an apartment.
You guys are the best.
Let's do this.
- Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! - I'm going to New York! I'm a good friend of yours, and in a dumb way, I'm kind of smart.
I'm gonna tell you what you ought to do.
You ought to marry me.
I'm gonna tell you what you ought to do.
You ought to- Well, you certainly are dedicated.
Well, under normal circumstances I would be but considering the fact that I have to worry about you pushing me off the stage at any moment I can't slip, even for a second.
Well, I don't like that.
You have been dreaming about this role since you were in gay utero and you have actually worked your tiny butt off to get it and I'm coming and sucking all the celebration out of it.
Why? Honestly, like, what have I ever done to you? Nothing.
I'm just not a particularly nice person.
And sometimes I make choices that seem like the right thing at the time but then, looking back, they're actually kind of mean.
Listen, I don't wanna be a Broadway star.
I'm too lazy to do eight shows a week.
Wait.
So, does-Does that mean that you're quitting the show? I texted gay-face director and said, "I hereby resign as U.
S of this production of F.
G.
" - Pithy.
- Listen, don't get all sentimental on me or anything like that.
I'm really happy for you, but I didn't do this for you.
I did this entirely for myself.
I know, and that was very brave of you.
But do you think that we could maybe at least sing a song together in the Glee Club? Fine.
But I'm not gonna sing some tired old song that we've already done.
'Cause Santana Lopez is way too badass for that.
Yeah! Oh.
Thank God.
I have before me a buttload of angry letters from members of the Animal Husbandry Club their parents, state and local politicians the National Autism Association, as well as One Million Moms.
Although in actuality, there aren't a million of them.
There's really only 100,000 but each and every one of 'em is an uptight bitch.
I hardly need to tell you that this will mark the end of your extracurricular musical experiment.
I understand.
I'm sorry about this, Sue.
It won't happen again.
Will.
Will.
Will, Will.
Wait one second, please.
This isn't over yet.
We can go to the hockey team and we can do Glee on Ice.
Please.
Stop.
Look, it's finished.
Glee Club is over.
All I want to do is just get through this week and try to enjoy graduation.
I've accepted it.
It's done.
Artie Pants, I need you.
Oh, finally.
I'm in love with you too.
Just give me a second.
I'm gonna send Kitty a breakup text.
What? No, this is about Will.
Oh, you're in love with Will? No.
I'm not in love with anyone.
Get your camera equipment.
Meet me in the Spanish room.
I'd like to make an announcement.
Puck has asked me to go out with him as boyfriend and girlfriend.
'Cause, you know, we've never actually dated.
So, um, I decided to throw caution to the wind and say yes.
Wait, what? Yeah, I can't make any promises, but, you know, you're the only guy who's actually been okay with me just being myself.
Well, once you've seen a baby come out of a girl's magic garden everything else is easily acceptable.
I think I love you, Puck.
I know it's not gonna be easy, what with me in New Haven and you who knows where but I'd rather do hard with you than easy with somebody else.
- Wanky.
- Santana, for once I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your inevitable snark to yourself.
No, no.
Look, I got to be honest.
I really like this pairing.
Come here.
Well, in many ways, that brings us full circle which is perfect because that was officially the last song that will ever be sung in Glee Club.
We all have more songs to sing.
We just can't sing them in here anymore.
Glee Club is officially over.
Thank you, guys.
It's been an honor.
Hey.
So, we don't actually know your name because this video was made before you were born but you are the son or daughter of our teacher.
Will Schuester.
You know, many of us don't get to know our dads as men until they're older- past middle age, maybe a little beaten down by life.
But we want to tell you about what your dad was like when he was young.
- When he could dance like Fred Astaire.
- And sing like Michael Bublé.
- He was an amazing teacher.
- Your dad and I almost hooked up - which means I could have been your mom.
Hit me up when you want your first tattoo.
I know a guy.
If it wasn't for your dad, I would've never been prom queen though that was kind of a bad experience for me when I think about it.
But I still would've been living my life with a fake stutter.
You had to be there.
It may seem a little weird to you, but back here in the Dark Ages it was still crazy for girls to love girls and guys to love guys but your dad made sure that we felt safe loving whoever we chose.
He does this magic trick where he pulls a duck out of a hat.
You should have him show you sometime.
Your dad had a passion for teaching.
He really loved that moment when he connected with a kid.
And he was prone to overemotional yet often inspiring pep talks.
To put it simply, I was not a particularly nice person.
That sweater's legit.
Then your dad came along, and I became a man who was kind a relatively large portion of the time.
I can say without a doubt that your dad saved my life.
Little Hepburn and Tracy wouldn't have a daddy if it wasn't for your dad.
Those are the names of my kids who aren't born yet either.
- We used a surrogate.
- I donated the egg.
In the whole wide world, you'll never meet a man more accepting and open to nature in all its wonders than your father.
He's a gem.
The best thing about your dad and that horrible perm of his is that no matter how talentless misshapen, ugly, miserable or sexually ambiguous you are he will still love you unconditionally.
Your dad made sure that everyone in this school understood what it was like to see the world from this chair and he helped me see all that I could be even though I was in it.
He is the most genuine- - Honest- - Kind- - Generous- - Sand dollar- Amazing man any of us have ever met.
He loved and looked after every one of us with as much care and concern as he does for you.
We love your dad.
We love him very, very much and no matter where we are or what we're doing he's with us, because we have his name tattooed in our hearts.
- Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! You done good, Holly Holliday.
You too, babe.
Our work is done here.
We did it flawlessly and looked flawless while doing it.
Amen.
Hey, do you wanna go get drunk, rob a bank and sail around the world on one of those gayboy cruise ships? We would be the only women there and get all the attention.
I thought you'd never ask.
Kitty, when you see me in the hall, will you say hello? Of course.
Someone's got to tell you your shoes don't match your purse.
Cheerio, please.
My shoes always match.
I cannot believe that Sue Sylvester finally shut us down.
She won.
She actually won.
You guys, you're gonna miss my big moment.
Get your butts to the auditorium.
Hang on a second.
Sue Sylvester didn't win.
Maybe she took away Glee Club, but she'll never take away what we had.
We were part of something incredible.
It was more than that.
We helped each other become better people in this room.
No one can ever take that away from us.
Come here.
Bring it in, guys.
Come here.
You remember Superman? - I do.
That was good.
- That was good.
This broom is poking me in places- Arthur Abrams.
Blaine Anderson.
Tina Cohen-Chang.
Tina! Tina! Sam Evans.
Rebecca Jackson.
Whoo! Oh, God! Blaine, you guys, I can't go to New York with you.
Tina Cohen-Crazy, you can't get cold feet on us now.
No, it's not that.
I was gonna tell you later but the dean of admissions from Brown called me this morning.
- And you got in? - I got in! - I'm going to Brown! - Tina! - Congratulations.
- Wow, that is great! Thank you.
- And finally- - Huh? Brittany S.
Pierce.
Brittany! - Yeah, Brittany! - Oh, my God! I called in some favors with Sue.
I figure that everybody deserves a high school graduation even if it's a year late.
Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the William McKinley High graduating class of 2013.
Whoo! Brittany, I have to tell you something.
I think I've made a huge mistake.
- You don't wanna run away with me, do you? - What? No.
No, no, no, no.
Of course I do.
I was doing some research on Lesbos Island and it turns out that it's not chock-full of lesbians.
It's full of German tourists.
So I bought us our return tickets.
I think that we should go to Lesbos first and then Hawaii for a couple of weeks, and then come home.
Well, I don't wanna go back to M.
I.
T.
And I can't return to Lima.
I want you to come to New York with me.
- Is that a yes? - Yes.
Here for one last verbal beat-down? These are my last two Razzle Dazzle fruit punch wine coolers from my cellar.
Company went out of business back in the '80s and I've been saving them for a special occasion.
Well, what could be more special than the Glee Club's funeral? Well- You finally won.
Honestly, I-I don't get the way you see the world, William but I gotta give you this: Whatever it is you did in this room you changed a lot of kids' lives for the better.
And your own.
As you know, I find both of your spouses intolerable and bony but at least this one is kind to you.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna miss this.
- Oh, I am.
Nobody ever went the distance with Sue Sylvester the way you did, Will.
My whole life I've been searching for a worthy adversary.
I'm gonna miss the fight.
I could have done more.
There's still so many more kids out there.
Yeah, well, who says you can't? Listen, William, you are a horrible history teacher and you are a worse Spanish teacher.
If you're going to be of any good to anybody you need to be coaching a glee club.
Which is why I got you an interview for the open slot at Carmel High.
Vocal Adrenaline? Think of what you could accomplish with a real budget.
And without somebody like me constantly trying to take you down.
Wow.
I mean, that's really amazing, Sue but they're our mortal enemies.
There is no "our" anymore, William.
We're in the middle of the new computer lab.
You did what you could do here and that was much more than I will ever care to admit.
But it's really over.
It's only an interview.
You could always blow it.
- Oh, God, that's awful.
- Yeah, that's why they went out of business.
I'll give you a minute.
Being great at something's going to change it.
Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I was tossing kids into Dumpsters.
I had never kissed a girl before.
I wasn't honest about who I was.
And Glee Club will never end, Mr.
Schue because you are Glee Club.
Because in this room it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight.
What matters is that we're friends.
The struggle continues but at least I know I'm not alone.
If I'd let you down when you needed me the most I'd never forgive myself.
We went around the room and everybody said what they wanted to win this thing for, and we all said the same thing.
We wanna win this for you.
M.
V.
P!