In Living Color (1990) s05e13 Episode Script

[R&B.]
Hi.
I'm JoeJackson.
Now, with my son Michael out the country, who am I supposed to borrow money from.
.
.
Tito? I don't think so.
I need to maintain my high style of living.
That's why we're having the Never Neverland sale.
You'll never find a bargain like these.
Everything gotta go.
Come on, boy.
Bring your behind.
[Chuckles.]
Now, take this llama, for instance.
This little beauty costs thousands of dollars in a big city zoo.
But, see, down here at the Never Neverland.
.
.
you can walk it off the lot for just 99.
99.
That's right, 99.
99.
Fur's so soft you could ride 'im butt naked! Michael did! Get that out my face now! Come on, boy.
Bring your behind.
Come on.
Need blank videotapes? We literally have thousands.
These home videos had to be bulk erased to avoid prosecution.
.
.
and now we pass the savings on to you.
Go on now! And while you're watching your home movies, how about some popcorn? [Laughs.]
The Elephant Man's skull makes a great popcorn bowl! "I am not an animal!" Come on, Marlon, bring me that box, man! How about some children's clothes? These used to belong to Michael's little monkey named Bubbles.
But he's dead and this stuff is priced to move.
Look at these cute overalls.
Look at this here sweater.
Look at this cute little pair of satin underdrawers.
.
.
Wait a minute.
These are La Toya's.
Now, go on, get out of here.
Go on! Come on, boy.
Come on, come on, come on.
You got a skin problem? No problem.
We got cases and cases of fade cream.
Also great for removing birthmarks and incriminating moles.
Look here.
Are you havin' trouble sleeping? Check out this hyperbaric sleeping chamber.
No reasonable offer will be turned down.
And it's got other uses, too.
Say you got a crazy daughter won't keep her damn mouth shut, writin' all them damn books.
Locks from the outside.
And it's soundproof too! Get down here in the next 20 minutes and I'll throw in La Toya absolutely free.
Better hurry, 'cause 20 minutes of air is about all she's got left.
Get your hands off there, boy! [Announcer.]
JoeJackson.
He beats prices like he beats his kids.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Hey, did you hear who our substitute teacher was today? Yeah, old D.
A.
, the relief pitcher.
Great.
We're gonna have some fun today.
I heard his arm has no feeling in it.
Let's come to order.
Sorry I'm late.
Mrs.
Bailey isn't feeling well today, so I'm going to be your substitute teacher.
My name is Mr.
Armstrong.
Okay.
And that's spelled.
.
.
All right.
Now, from her lesson plan, I see you were working on world geography.
Uh, right? Am I right? Yes, young man? Mrs.
Bailey usually writes the day of the week on the board as well.
Yeah, the day.
She always does that.
Ah.
Well, I wouldn't want to break tradition.
Okay, uh.
.
.
[Groans.]
All right! Okay.
Mrs.
Bailey also puts down what she had for breakfast as well.
- Yeah, breakfast! - She always does that.
Well, that's kinda strange.
Okay, well, I had some pancakes.
.
.
Hey, wait a minute.
You guys have to wake up pretty early to pull the wool over my eyes, buddy boy.
Now, let's get down to business.
Okay? We forgot the pledge of allegiance.
- [Murmuring Agreement.]
- We always do it.
- You guys still do that, huh? - Yeah.
! Well, you come up and lead it then.
Okay, everybody, get ready.
Put your left hand over your heart.
Ready? Ready? [Snickering.]
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey.
It's the right hand over the heart.
You little snot-nosed brat! Sit your butt down.
- You don't gotta twist my arm! - [Class Laughing.]
Okay, who can tell me what you were doing in class yesterday? Yesterday, Mrs.
Bailey was pointing to locations on the map.
.
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and we would have to guess what country it was.
[Boy.]
We always do that.
Oh.
Okay.
All right.
[Grunting.]
Okay.
Okay, who can tell me what part of the world this is? - Burbank! - [All Laughing.]
- No! - Is it the Dead Sea? No.
The Dead Sea is over here.
How about the North Pole? Come on, everybody knows the North Pole's over here.
All right, settle down.
Mr.
Armstrong, why do we haveto study geography anyway? Well, to understand more about wildlife.
Take that bullfrog, for instance.
That comes from Africa.
- What bullfrog? - Where? - Over there.
- [Frog Croaking.]
Where? Gimp! I heard that, son.
Hey! Sorry about that.
Could you give me back that eraser, please? I didn't say throw it! You kids are terrible! - [Jeering, Shouting.]
- [Shouting.]
That's it! That's it, you little troublemakers.
I didn't want to have to show you this side of me, but you've forced my hand! Hyah! Okay, now, next time it'll be your heads.
Okay, now, turn to page 94 in your grammar books.
[Class.]
Yes, Mr.
Armstrong.
[Announcer.]
And now a few minutes with Randy Rooney.
- [Theme.]
- [Clock Ticking.]
I've been doing a lot of thinking about stereotypes.
Did you ever notice how many there are about black people? Take sports, for instance.
When a black man knows a little something about basketball, they call him a natural.
But when a white guy knows a little something about basketball.
.
.
they call him the owner of the team.
And how come white people are so anxious to have the heavyweight champ? You know, a "Great White Hope.
" What do white people need hope for? They already have everything.
And why is it whenever something goes wrong, they call it black? When the stock market crashed, it was Black Monday.
When you're kicked out of a place, you're blackballed.
And the worst disease ever was called the Black Plague.
And by the way, what would the White Plague be? Tennis elbow? And did you ever notice when a white guy gets a good job, he gets a good line of credit? But when a black guy gets a good job, he's "a credit to his race.
" Try and buy a couch with that.
You know, it's not like there's not already enough credit cards out there today.
There's Visa, American Express, Discover.
Only thing I discovered is, I can't get one.
And what about Mastercard? I guess I'm just a little too sensitive about the word "master.
" When I go shopping, I want to think about picking out a shirt.
.
.
not picking cotton.
And did you ever notice that every store seems to have a white sale? I guess it's a good thing they don't have a black sale.
Last one I heard of, Kunta Kinte was marked 20 percent off.
[Siren Wailing.]
That's the police going by.
They sure are a helpful bunch.
You know, their job is to protect and to serve.
But what they don't tell you is that usually they're protecting their identity.
.
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while they're serving you up an ass-whuppin'.
And why do they paint those cars black and white? I guess to match the passengers.
Blacks in the back seat and whites in the front.
Now, that's not the rule.
That's just another stereotype.
Like the one about black men being so well-endowed.
Well, maybe that's not such a good example.
[Announcer.]
This has been a few minutesof dissing with Randy Rooney.
- [Theme.]
- [Clock Ticking.]
Miss New Jersey, what would you do if crowned Miss 'Merica? I would stop all the childrens from being hungry.
.
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all over the wide world.
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by being in parades and wearing a crown on my head.
Okay, Miss Paris, France, what about you? - Ooh-la-la! I would also want to.
.
.
- [Knocking.]
- Hey, Deronda.
! You up there? - No! Nobody's here! - Then who is that talkin'? - My mother.
That ain't your mother.
That's you, girl.
You up there.
! What's the password? Deronda Hightower didn't wet in her pants.
- She just spilled some lemonade on herself.
- Okay.
Although nobody knows where she got a glass of lemonade from in math class.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Okay.
Okay, okay.
Let's play cops and rappers.
No, we're playing office.
- I don't like to play office.
- How come? Because I end up bein' the janitor.
I'll let you be chairman of the blackboard.
Okay, I can do that.
- I want a job.
- Okay.
What are your "qualications"? I got a bachelor's decree and a master's decree and an N.
B.
A.
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and I was an astronaut on the space "shuffle.
" Good.
You can type.
Wait a minute.
I got more qualities than that man! How come he gets to be a 'zecutive? - 'Cause he got one of these! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, I'll type! Type, type, type, type, type, type.
Child, you lookin' so good today.
Do you have on your Little Mermaid underwear? Oh, none of your beeswax! Hey, that's satchmo harassment! That's not satchmo harassment.
This is.
Who put this "public" hair in my apple juice? Eeew! That's not no public hair! Hey, let's Xerox your behind.
You can't see my behind.
You're married.
But my wife said I work on her nerves.
Why don't you loosen up, baby? I don't wanna have a 'fair.
And I refuse to play second griddle.
Well, I promise you I will leave my wife and I will marry you.
Okay.
Yeah! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! - Whose Tonka truck is this? Whose Tonka truck is this? - You animal, you! You bring out the woman in me.
Now go leave your wife.
Oh, no! This we need to rethink.
This is insanity.
We have to be adults here.
Stop the madness! Okay, I guess now I'm gonna be the "mystery-ist.
" So you gotta give me some credit cards and set me up in a 'partment.
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with a "kajuzi" and cable TV! Dang, girl, you just a nose-digger.
Cable TV? You don't even love me.
You ain't nothin' but an H.
B.
O.
Ho.
[Gasps.]
And you're fired! Okay, what you wanna play now? - Um, let's play the policeman.
- Okay.
- [Imitating Engine Noise.]
- [Humming Dramatic Melody.]
[Imitating Siren Wailing.]
- Pull over! Pull over! - Oh! - What's the problem, Mr.
Policeman? - You black.
[Grunts.]
[Audience.]
Wheel.
.
.
Of.
.
.
Dozens.
! [Announcer.]
Competing tonightfor a fortune in fabulous prizes.
.
.
please welcome Amfeny Clark.
.
.
T- Dog Jenkins and ScottyJ.
.
.
! - Now, the host ofWheel of Dozens, Stu Dunfey.
!- [Audience Applauding.]
Hello, and welcome to Wheel of Dozens, where talkin' trash can get you cash.
So when the wheel's turnin', it's yo mama we're burnin'.
Ah, but first let's welcome my lovely assistant, Pajamay! [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Oh! Pajamay, may I just say you are all that and a bag of chips.
Go to hell, Stu.
Okay, thanks, Pajamay.
Show us what our contestants are playing for tonight.
[Announcer.]
Well, Stu, it's a classic low-rider.
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with dual overhead cams andfour-wheel hydraulic shocks.
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to keep you bouncing to the beat.
This is not yo mama's Oldsmobile.
Back to you, Stu.
! One of you might just be driving it home tonight.
All right then, round one! ScottyJ.
, time to spin the Wheel of Dozens! Let's do this! Come on! Yo Mama's So Stank! Yo Mama's So Stank! Yo Mama's Feet So Big.
Uh, yo mama's feet so big, her sneakers gotta have license plates on 'em.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes! T-Dog, on to you.
Right.
Okay, Stu.
- Here we go.
- Come on.
! Yo Mama's So Hairy.
! Yo Mama So Hairy! Yo Mama So Hairy! [Stu.]
Your Mama's Butt, T-Dog, Is So Bony.
Yo mama's butt so bony, she put her drawers on and cut 'em in two.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yeah! - [Stu.]
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah! Amfeny, the wheel is yours.
! - Okay.
All right.
Yo Mama So Fat! - Here we go.
! Mama So Fat.
! Yo Mama So Beautiful.
Amfeny? - What? So beautiful? Man, what's.
.
.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
Sorry, time's up! Not an easy category, Amfeny.
But plenty of time to make it up in round two.
.
.
where you double your dollars if you double your dis.
ScottyJ.
, let her rip.
Here we go.
- Yeah! - Double your dollar value.
! All right, let's go.
!Come on, baby.
! Come on, baby.
! Yo Mama So Hairy.
Yo mama so hairy, she look like a Chia Pet with a sweater on.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
Yo mama so hairy,uh, she got afros on her nipples.
! - [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
! Oh, beautiful! A deuce! T-Dog, you're up! - Right, right! - Let 'er rip.
- Here we go.
- [Audience Applauding.]
Come on, now! Come on, now! Yo Mama So Stupid! T-Dog, you've got a stupid mama.
Hey, if you don't check yourself talkin' 'bout my mama.
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.
What's up wit' you, man? - Just playing the game.
- [Sarcastic Laugh.]
Okay.
Just playin'the game.
Stu, yo mama's so stupid.
.
.
I told her it was chilly outside, she went and grabbed a spoon.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes! Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired at the M&M factory for throwing away the W's.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
! - Right! Right! Right! - Double dis! Double dis! Amfeny, your turn! - Okay.
All right.
- Oh, man! Here we go, Amfeny.
- Come on, come on.
- Yo Mama So Good At Math.
- Man, what kind of category is that? - [Buzzer Buzzes.]
Oh! Sorry, Amfeny.
No points again.
Yeah, but who ever heard of "Yo mama so good at math," man? Hey, it's on the wheel, man! I've said it beforeand I'll say it again.
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The wheel can be a ho.
That brings us to round three.
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that's Triple Dozens.
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and it's still anybody's game.
ScottyJ.
, give it a spin! Uh, let's go.
Uh.
.
.
We're looking for a greasy mama.
ScottyJ.
? Greasy mama, greasy mama.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
Yo mama's so greasy, she use bacon as a Band-aid.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
! You mama's so greasy, when she slid into second base her a.
.
.
ended up in Detroit.
- [Bell Dings.]
- And he hits the trey! Nicely done! T-Dog, you're gonna have to go three for three to stay alive.
Give it a spin.
- Ain't nothin', "G.
" - Here we go.
Come on.
! Come on.
!Yo Mama So Fat.
! Come on.
! Yeah.
! Yo Mama So Fat, T-Dog.
Yo mama so fat, she play hopscotch like this.
.
.
L.
A.
, Chicago, New York, Detroit.
- Yes.
! - Right! Right! Right! Yo mama's so fat, she gotta wake up in sections.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Yes.
! Right! Right! Right! Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign, it just said "H.
.
.
D.
" - Look out! - [Bell Dings.]
Triple play! And the game is tied! Amfeny, spin! [Woman Shouting.]
Go, Amfeny.
! Go, Amfeny.
! - Man, you heard him.
Come on.
! - Let 'er rip! Here we go.
Yo Mama So Hard To Buy Shoes For.
Oh, no, hold on a second, man! This is foul, man! - [Bell Dinging.]
- [Stu.]
And we're out of time.
! - T-Dog, ScottyJ.
, you're tied at 600 points.
- [All Arguing.]
And Amfeny.
.
.
Amfeny.
.
.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- Yo, I ain't goin' out like that, man.
- It's a'ight.
Go ahead.
- Stu, man, tell him to step! Amfeny no longer in the house.
- Don't be scared of'im, now.
- This ain't fair! Well.
.
.
[Chuckling.]
But that means we do have a tie.
That means you're both going to advance to the lightning round.
- [Audience Cheering.]
- Come on down here for bonus play.
! You know how the rules are done.
You've got one minute to provoke our mystery guest to violence.
Hey, bring him on.
Whatever.
Our mystery guest tonight was a recipient of the 1990 Nobel Peace Prize.
She has dedicated her life to helping the sick, orphaned and diseased folk of Calcutta.
She's everybody's favorite mama.
Certainly no one could make this sweet woman lose her temper.
Give it up for Mother Teresa! [Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
Mother Teresa, it's delightful to have you on the game.
Yes, it's a pleasure to be here, Stu.
Thank you.
Sixty seconds on the clock.
And begin.
Yeah, yeah.
Yo mama's so skinny.
.
.
I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a damn coma.
Yo mama got one arm.
She swim in a circle.
You see, I have nothing but love in my heart.
- And you need a Tic Tac in your mouth.
- Tic Tac? - What.
.
.
- Yeah, you heard him.
Yeah, yeah! Your mother got one ear and a burnt potato chip.
Yes, but, uh.
.
.
Yo mama's gums so black, she can spit chocolate milk.
Young man, you don't know what you say.
I still love you.
You still need a Tic Tac.
Yo mama so fat, when she wear a red dress everybody yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" Yo mama's so small, she pose for trophies.
Why must you be disrespectful to my mother? She never does nothing to you.
- That's yo mama.
Ain't my mama.
- You hear me? Yo mama got so many circles around her stomach, she look like the Hamburglar.
How can you say this about my mother? She's a good mother.
- [Bell Ringing.]
- [Stu.]
And ScottyJ.
Has done it.
! - He wins the car! - [Audience Applauding.]
Here are your keys.
That's all the time we have for tonight.
We'll see you next time.
Good night, everybody! Thanks for watching.
Thanks for laughing.
Come back next week.
- [Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
- [Theme.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]