Mom s05e13 Episode Script

1 Jill knows we're here, right? The invite said be here at 8:00.
That's it.
Look, she's been gone for three months.
I bet she wants to make an entrance.
Of course she does.
She expects applause when she comes back from the bathroom.
Well, it's our fault we started doing that.
You think she lost all the weight? Weight? Come on.
She didn't go to that place just so she could kick her pie habit.
My bet, she has new boobs and a neck like a baby.
She's already beautiful; why would she do that? Well, money makes you crazy.
That's why you and I are so normal.
("Also sprach Zarathustra" playing) God, I hope that's not her walking.
(dramatic orchestral music continues) This is actually less than I was expecting.
She's back and she's skinny! Oh! Welcome home! You look amazing! Wow! I'm proud of you! Oh! Woo-hoo! We missed you so much.
I missed you guys, too.
Wow, no scarring.
Good work.
It's my same face, Bonnie.
One of the things I learned at the retreat is it's not about the outside, it's about what's in here.
Couldn't agree more.
Botox and fillers.
I am in a bliss balloon not even you can pop.
Mm, you do seem happy.
I am.
I am totally frickin' at peace.
Now sit back down; I've got 20 more outfits and a bikini I want to show you.
Look, I can run again! (laughs) You guys sure you don't want a bite of this pudding? Butterscotch, the only scotch we can have.
I'm fine with my lemon water.
I'm so impressed you're totally off sugar.
- Me, too.
- (mouth full): You're my hero.
Whenever you're ready.
I guess we should pay.
Yup.
Got to get to the meeting.
(chuckles) Yup.
Before all the good seats are gone.
Let's see what the damage is.
(sighs) That'll cover my part.
Your part? Yeah, my share.
Oh.
(chuckles) It's just that traditionally your share is the whole thing.
Well, in addition to eating healthy, the retreat also taught me that I need to stop using my money to buy love; ergo, y'all need to start paying for yourselves, 'cause I ain't no Bank of America.
Look, I'm a huge fan of growth go, you But a little heads up would've helped me budget my order accordingly.
Jill, you're right.
We're all perfectly capable of paying for our own food.
I'm sorry if you felt like we were mooching off of you.
- Which we were not.
- Here's your Reuben to go.
I had every intention of paying for this.
I can feel you reaching into my purse.
Let me guess, this new tax deal doesn't make us millionaires.
No, it's about the bistro.
If we average $15 apiece every meal, that's $90 a week.
That's $5,000 a year Jill's been covering.
(Southern accent): You sure about that, Jethro? You never were much at cipherin'.
(Southern accent): Sure I'm sure.
I used this here number box.
(normal voice): It doesn't seem fair.
Why does Jill's self-esteem have to come out of our pockets? I know.
We either have to start buying our own lunch or make Jill hate herself again.
Easy peasy.
Just bring up her ex-husband and their new baby and slide a Meat Lover's pizza in front of her.
We can't keep leeching off her.
Hey, it's not like we were taking advantage of her on purpose.
It's Tuesday! Where's my free Reuben? Well, this is an adventure.
I haven't carried a tray since I was in lockup.
I love this concept.
Food from around the world.
Where'd you find this place? Ah, the ultimate experts on cheap food: broke-ass college kids.
I ordered a four, a six and a nine at the Asian counter.
I don't even know what they are; I just panicked.
Oh, my God, there you are.
I got trapped in a sea of hoodies at the salsa bar.
Oh, you're gonna have to get your own silverware and napkins.
Oh, I work here now? (sighs) Here, take my fork.
I got chili.
(buzzer vibrates) Mine's already done? Can a four, a six or a nine be safely cooked that fast? Okay, Wendy's our canary in the coal mine.
If she pukes, gags or keels over, we stop eating.
Okay, it's not the bistro.
The important thing is that it's a place we can hang out and talk after the meeting.
She's right.
So, what's new with you, Jill? Well, I've been having a little health issue.
(clears throat) I - Hello.
- 'Sup? (quietly): Do we know him? These are communal tables.
Oh, dear Lord.
Where are we, Cuba? Somebody else talk.
Okay, well, I still haven't heard from any of the law schools I applied to, but I'm really - (buzzer vibrates) - Oh.
That's me.
Back to you, Jill.
Fine.
I've been having a little trouble (whispers): down there.
So, I went to my (whispers): gyno, and he said the problem is (whispers): bicycle shorts.
I'm sorry, honey, you're cutting in and out.
(buzzers vibrating) Oh.
Wheels up, Marge.
It's go time.
My girlfriend was having that problem.
She's had good luck with organic fabrics.
Oh, good, you're weighing in.
Turns out the four, six and nine were all beverages.
- Mom, you ready to go? - Almost.
- What are you doing? - Eating a sandwich.
Then when we go out to dinner, I'll just order coffee, and people will feel bad for me and buy me pudding.
Oh, my God, hold on.
Mm.
Please tell me we won Publishers Clearing House.
Get real, Mom.
You have to have a screen door to win that thing.
- (sighs) Stanford Law School.
- Mm! Open it! (sighs) I'm scared.
I know it's a long shot, but there's still that part of me that thinks that maybe there's a chance.
Oh, I have that little part, too.
It's like how I think that one day I might win an Olympic gold medal.
You know, something easy like luge.
What's it say? They "regret to inform" me.
What? Mom, they don't regret to inform you that your dreams are coming true.
Oh.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I knew the numbers weren't in my favor, but my personal essay was so sad I thought I might just be able to guilt them into it.
My name come up? You can't write about World War Two without bringing up Hitler.
It's okay.
I've got other applications out there, and worst case, there's always North Valley Law School.
Go, Centipedes.
And I'll still be a lawyer, which is all that matters.
I'll just hang my diploma in the garage.
- We don't have a garage.
- We don't have a garage, we don't have a screen door; what do we have? - Each other.
- Way to kick me when I'm down.
So, where do you guys want to eat? I'm willing to give Christy's place another shot now that I know how it works.
I went online and found a forum.
Are you out of your mind? I had to bus my own tray.
My own tray.
Tray! I liked the chili.
It was comforting, just like Mom never made.
On Monday, they throw in corn bread, but you have to know to ask.
Marjorie, what'd you think? Oh, um, I appreciate the fact that Christy brought a new idea into our world.
Mm-hmm.
Translation: P.
U.
Hey, you know what? You threw us a curveball, and Christy did her best to find a compromise.
Was it an epic fail? Yes.
Are we gonna be less open to her suggestions in the future? Absolutely, but she tried.
Well, I'm really in the mood for a Cobb salad from the bistro, hold the ham, cheese, bacon, egg, balsamic on the side.
Why don't we do that, and I'll pay for Bonnie and Christy? No, no, no, we're not looking for charity.
Well, that's new.
What? Never bothered you when I was paying.
Hey, we never asked you to pay; you just started doing it.
I started doing it because the check would sit on the table for an hour if I didn't.
But now I'm done with you all taking advantage of me.
Hey, get over yourself.
You bought me a couple of sandwiches, not a Lincoln Town Car.
Oh, I'm sorry my personal growth doesn't work for you.
Hey, if I had a spare 65 grand laying around, I'd fly to a spa and buy some growth, too.
Maybe we ought to just take a moment and breathe.
Hey, stand down, Grey Gardens.
If Jill wants to grow, we should tell her the truth.
Well, here's some truth.
I'm only seven years older than you.
Seven hard years, apparently.
I don't like it when we all fight.
- Not now, Wendy.
- You not now! You know what? I'm skipping the bistro.
I got better things to do than watch Christy yammering on about law school, Wendy crying for no reason, Marjorie and her lame advice, and Bonnie trying to have sex with her pudding.
Well, I'm just gonna say it.
She was nicer when she was fat.
(TV playing quietly) You know what else pisses me off? Watching Jaws here.
Jill is proof that money is wasted on the wrong people.
Look, topless girl wading in the water.
Uh-oh, what could happen? (sighs) I just don't buy this movie.
The chief of police has that kind of waterfront property? It was the '70s.
It was a totally different real estate market.
You know what? You're ruining it.
I'll tell you what, if Jill was in charge of that town, she would've sold that house right out from under him, 'cause that's what the rich do.
They screw the hardworking little guy like me.
You're neither one of those.
It's just the injustice of it.
(scoffs) What do you think? Me? I think this is something that you and the gals would have a lot of fun talking about.
I haven't talked to them in four days, and I don't miss them at all.
Well, your only other option is to relax and watch Jaws with me.
(sighs) Sure.
Fine.
Great.
Is this where they came up with "jump the shark"? 'Cause this is awful.
Ah, North Valley School of Law.
The time has come for us to settle for each other.
Hey.
Hey.
It's been suggested to me by my loving fiancé that I might like to get my "bitter, angry ass" to a meeting.
Care to join? No, I got work to do.
Okay.
Just a heads up, he's in there watching Jaws like it's Zookeeper.
At least in that one the animals talk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Watching Jaws.
- I heard.
You okay? I don't want to bother you; you're watching your movie.
I can pause it.
But don't tell your mom.
I wouldn't do it for her.
So what's up? I didn't get into law school.
- Which one? - All of them.
This was my last hope.
Aw, Christy, I'm so sorry.
This has been the entire focus of my life for four years.
It never occurred to me I wouldn't get in anywhere.
So what do you do now? I don't know.
What'd your mom say? I didn't tell her.
I'm too embarrassed.
I want to say the right thing, but I don't know what that is.
Do you maybe want me to call Marjorie or Jill or What's that other one's name? They don't want to hear about me and school anymore.
Well, then That That's a real pickle.
- Pickle? - Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm just gonna go upstairs.
Here's something.
When a door closes, a window opens.
Thanks, all better! - Hey.
Jill.
Alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Jill.
First of all, I don't know who came up with having a candlelight meeting, but kudos.
(chuckles) I'm sure it's all about being spiritual and whatnot, but I appreciate it on a day when I didn't get to touch up my makeup.
Anyway, I don't usually come to this meeting, but I'm avoiding some folks.
Um, this isn't easy to share about but, um, I have a lot of money.
I always have.
And I know that sounds great, and it is sometimes, like when you want to buy stuff.
But I've never been able to trust whether or not people were in my life for the right reasons.
Like did my classmates want to attend my 13th birthday party, or did they just want to go to Maui? I don't know.
I'll never know.
I thought I finally found some friends who loved me for who I am, but the second I stopped picking up the check, everything went to hell.
And I-I don't expect you to feel sorry for me.
But you should 'cause it's hard.
Also, apropos of nothing, I recently lost 115 pounds.
Hey, Christy, over here! Oh, hey, Brendan.
Yeah, come on! Come on.
Over here.
Come here.
Come on.
Sit down.
(laughs) Come here.
Come on.
Yeah.
Hey, what's your poison? Uh, sadly, gazpacho.
I really wanted the chili Like, I needed the chili But they were out.
(laughs): Cool.
I'm kind of drunk.
Uh, but we're celebrating.
Uh, Jessica, Tom and Leo got into UCLA Law, I got into Berkeley, and Leslie's going to North Valley.
Hey, what can I say? It's a school.
Brendan, how did you get into the most prestigious law school on the West Coast? Adderall and luck.
(chuckles) ALL: and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
- Oh.
Hello.
- Yeah, it's me.
(chuckles) Looks like we were avoiding each other at the same meeting.
I heard your share.
It wasn't about you.
Entirely.
I guess one of the good things about being poor is I never had to worry about why people wanted to be my friend.
Except of course when I had blow.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody loves you when you're holding.
I'm sorry about what happened.
And I want you to know that I'd be your friend whether you had money or not.
And I know you're mine, 'cause let's face it, I come with zero perks.
Not a one.
(laughs): Yeah.
(slurring): So where did you get in? I didn't.
Nowhere? - Nope.
You? - Nothing.
Kicking myself for not applying to North Valley.
They accept anyone with a pulse.
I am proof that's not true.
No way.
You didn't get into North Valley?! Keep it down.
(whispers): Sorry.
Well, in that case, I think that you need this more than I do.
(ringtone playing) Hello? Oh, hey, Jill.
I'm glad you called.
I just want to make it really clear, I am buying Jill an iced tea and a side salad.
The rest of you are on your own, so order accordingly.
I kind of wanted to pay for Jill.
You do it next time.
But if you want to order fries for the table, no one's gonna stop you.
I want to make a toast.
To us.
Not being able to talk to you guys was really terrible.
Tell me about it.
I felt so useless.
I was so lonely.
Apparently, I became "irritating.
" And I almost drank.
Cheers.
Wait, what? Sweetie, what happened? Are you sure you want to know? It's a "Christy goes back to school" story.
Of course we want to know.
(sighs) I didn't get into any of the law schools I applied to.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you tell me? I don't know.
Shock, shame.
Oh, honey.
Um, we're ready to order.
And could you keep the coffee coming please, 'cause we're gonna be here for a while.