My Family (2000) s05e13 Episode Script

- They've arrived! - Ben, I've decided to write a novel.
That's right, my business cards.
- You're not listening, are you? - Of course I am.
Something about a hiking holiday with Sylvia.
Ah, now, look at that.
embossed in 20-point Baskerville.
Ben Harper, dental surgeon.
- It's not like you to own up to that.
- It's not like you to go hiking.
- I'm not going on a hiking holiday.
- That didn't last long.
So fickle, some people.
This'll impress the hell out of Geoffrey Dutton.
Who's Geoffrey Dutton? - You know the Queen's dentist? - Strangely, no.
Geoffrey's third in line.
He's two heart attacks away from a By Royal Appointment sticker.
- Golly.
- Anyway, his partner's just died, so there's a vacancy at his Harley Street practice, which I hope to fill.
- And you think business cards will clinch it? - No.
No.
But Geoffrey's going to the dental conference and I'm going to get in with the old Harper silver-tongued schmoozing.
Well, let me know how it goes.
- What? I thought you said you were coming? - No, Ben, I said I wasn't coming.
- There you go again, so fickle.
- There you go again, not listening.
Why aren't you coming? It's the Lansdowne Park Hotel.
Darling, it's got five restaurants, three bars, sauna, spa.
- Dentists.
- Not just dentists.
- There'll be other people to talk to.
- Dentists' wives.
- You're a dentist's wife.
- Yes, but I rise above it.
You know what these people are like? We are talking Garrick Club, MCC, Masons.
- And you want me to be hanging on your arm.
- Course not.
I'd prefer it if you were a few yards off while we men talk shop.
It's hard to talk with 500 business cards stuffed down your throat.
You'll sing another tune if I'm on half a million a year.
Ben, when you're on half a million, I'll sing Oops I Did It Again by Britney Spears.
On the roof.
In the nude.
- Deal.
So, will you come? - No.
But I'll look pathetic if I go on my own.
You won't be on your own.
You'll have Janey with you.
Yes, I suppose so What? Ben Hamper, Dental Surgeon.
No! Harper.
Harper.
Harper.
- Ben Harper.
- But why can't I come? - Are you ashamed of me? - Ashamed of you? Oh, darling! A teenage mum who got kicked out of college, no job, no prospects? Why would I be ashamed of you? Anyway, your mother hasn't definitely said no.
No.
- I need the weekend to start my novel.
- Not that again? A novel? Why a novel? When the muse sings, one can but answer.
In case you haven't noticed, I've a well of untapped creative energy, which I need to release before I go mad.
- Too late.
- There you go, always stifling my ambition.
I'm not stifling it.
I'm trying to crush it.
You are missing a dental conference! - I'm realising my dream.
- Never mind your dream.
What about my nightmare? I think he means you, Janey.
How dare you, Dad? I've got a good mind not to come.
But, luckily for you, I am.
What a strange definition of lucky! I've just realised something.
This is terrible.
Who's going to look after the baby? - Jane Austen isn't available.
- You're right.
I've booked a child minder and don't worry, she's not expensive, more mid-price.
- It's not fair.
- If you take Janey, you'll seem a family man.
- But my daughter? - Lots of dentists take their daughters.
- Name one.
- Alistair Johnson.
- Alistair Johnson's a prat.
- Oh, really? I just made him up.
Oh.
It's It's not really your scene.
Are you joking? Look, there's a spa, a beauty salon and a designer clothes shop.
Take her, Ben.
It'll make me happy.
It'll make Janey happy.
It'll make me sad.
Oh, an emotional journey, just like my first novel.
- I told you to turn right.
- I did turn right.
- It wasn't the right right.
- It was the right you told me to turn into.
Yes, but it wasn't the one I meant.
- You have to have the last word, don't you? - Yes.
- All finished? - I wish.
That's it.
Chin up.
And the name is? Harper.
Mr and Mrs Harper.
(Laughing) No way.
- I'm sorry? - I'm not Mrs Harper.
- I see.
- No.
It really isn't a problem.
I paid for Mrs Harper, but I brought her instead.
Well, it's not a problem for me, sir.
Room 635.
And? - Enjoy your stay.
- Is that it, just the one room? Janey, Janey, it's got twin beds.
- OK? - What if I get lucky? - What if I get lucky? - I'm telling Mum.
And so you should.
- Janey! Janey! - Don't speak to me.
- Wife trouble, eh? - Tell me about it.
First she decides not to come, and then she gives me this.
Janey! Younger wife.
Never works.
What are you doing? I am writing a novel.
Oh.
That's nice.
Yes, it is.
- Shall I tell you what's bothering me? - It won't be what's bothering me.
Roger asked me to the dental conference and I turned him down.
- I wish I'd gone now.
- So do I.
- I suppose it's too late.
- No, it's not too late.
It's barely started.
We could go together.
No.
I told you, I am writing a novel.
Don't worry about that.
I'll give you a hand.
Oh Yeah - See what you've done there? - What? Never begin with a description of the weather.
It's a complete turn-off.
It's not a description of the weather.
I'm painting a picture, establishing a literary mood.
Listen.
"It was 19 degrees Celsius, and a bright morning threatened to turn to scattered showers "with a light northwesterly wind, "with the death of a love affair.
" Not very good, is it? You need a sentence that will hook the reader from the off.
Oh, really? Like what? Well, off the top of my head, you know, something like Klaus wrenched the wheel as only an assassin could, sending the Maserati cartwheeling into the Bay of Naples.
When the boot was opened, 48 hours later, they found the Prime Minister's missing head.
You're hooked, aren't you? - Abi, go to the damn conference.
- OK.
Klaus wrenched the wheel of his Maserati as only an assassin could.
And another thing, the room's too small.
There's a shower and no bath, and there are no bathrobes.
- Janey - There's no cable TV.
- Not enough wardrobe space, and no kettle.
- All I said was, "Nice, isn't it?" Now, all I ask is you don't embarrass me in front of Geoffrey Dutton.
- Which one's Geoffrey Dutton? - He Never mind.
- Say please, thank you, and don't get drunk.
- Oh, please.
Thank you.
Two out of three's not bad.
Ah, there he is.
Geoffrey Dutton.
- Oh, you must introduce me.
- Never mind.
You just stay there.
And And Stay there.
- Geoffrey - Ben Harper! - Roger Bailey! - Isn't this fab? It isn't That's not the F word I was thinking of.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Having the time of my life.
Did you know there's a seminar on the tax implications of dental adhesives? - That's where I'm going.
- Thanks for the warning.
Now, I have to Yes, I know.
These sessions can be murder on the bladder.
(Janey) Hello, are you mad? I'm not wearing that.
It says Mrs Harper.
- I'm not Mrs Harper.
- Janey, stop this.
You're not too old to have a spanking.
- Excuse me.
I don't like my room.
- And I don't like my job.
Let's see if we can't help each other out, shall we? Oh, dear, no.
No, looks like we're both out of luck.
Come on.
Look, you must have something.
- Well, there is the Windsor Suite.
- That'll do.
- Let me continue, which is very expensive.
- Even better.
Very well.
Would you like me to stick this on the same credit card? You can stick it where you like.
Hello.
I think you're expecting me.
Never in my wildest dreams.
- What name? - Bailey.
- Mrs Bailey.
- No, no.
It's Harper.
Oh, is it indeed? Yes, my job just got better.
You'll find Mr Harper in the bar.
Oh, thank you.
(Ben) Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Excuse me.
Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Hello! Hello, Geoffrey.
- How are you? I didn't see you there.
- Oh, don't tell me.
It's, erm Harper.
Ben Harper.
Yes.
- My card.
- Ah.
I know it says Hamper, but I've written the R in by hand.
- Classy.
- Yes, well, it's the personal touch, isn't it? I think it's the mark of a very good dentist.
- Wife not with you this year? - No.
Couldn't make it.
Family illness in the head.
Oh, so who was that pretty little thing I saw you with earlier? - Oh, yes.
She's my daughter.
- Oh-ho! I see.
Makes a change from "She's my dental assistant.
" Now, now, Alan.
I like a man with chutzpah.
Yes.
I know you do, sir.
Look here, you've probably heard my business partner recently died.
Me? No, I didn't.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Which leaves a rather lucrative opening in my Harley Street practice.
Mmm.
Does it? Oh, come on, it's the talk of the dental demimonde.
You can't be that naive.
No, I'm not, actually.
I knew all about it.
I'm extremely well-informed.
That's why I sought you out at this conference.
- Oh, that chutzpah again.
- My card.
That card again.
Look here, Harper, why don't we find a quiet? - Surprise! - Horror! - I decided to come after all.
- Abi, I'm busy.
Do you mind? - Sorry, Geoffrey, you were saying? - But I've got something for you.
- Abi, go away, or I'll have something for you.
- It's your toothbrush.
- You left it on the bed.
- Shh! Geoffrey Erm Thanks a lot.
Abi! You're here! - I changed my mind.
- Oh, joy! First, a satirical revue called Lord Of The Fillings: Return Of The Cavity, and now this! - I'm going to need the key to my room.
- Your room? - Ah.
- You did book two rooms, didn't you? Well, yes, of course I did, but I Yes, that's it.
When you said you couldn't come, I cancelled your booking, so I've only got a single room with one bed.
What to do? What to do? - It's a tough one, isn't it? - I don't know.
There is one possible solution.
- You could commute.
- I could commute.
Delete file.
Chapter one.
- Hello, Mother.
- Oh! - Still stuck? - I am not stuck.
I have writer's block, because I am a writer.
- I really don't know why you bother.
- You are so like your father.
There's no need to get nasty.
I think the point he's trying to make, Mrs Harper, is that the English novel is essentially moribund.
The prose may be well wrought, but, in the end, intellectually barren.
Indeed.
Let's go upstairs and play Slaughter Mountain VII.
It was on a Saturday afternoon that she decided to murder her son.
Wow! Talk about a hook.
As you were.
- Geoffrey.
- Harper, I've been looking for you.
- Have you? Really? Why? - Just wanted a little chat.
Brandy? - Hmm.
Card.
- Thank you.
You see, what I'm looking for in a partner is a good, solid type.
- Old-fashioned, if you like.
- I can relate to that, Geoffrey.
I'm looking for someone discreet, who won't give the game away.
You can rely on me.
- What game? - Exactly.
What game? Now, that girl you're with, Janey.
- Oh, yes.
- How did you end up with her? - I slept with her mother.
- Good God! It sounds a bit Continental.
No, no, no.
No.
She's my daughter.
I told you.
Come on.
You don't have to pretend with me.
- Pretend what? She really is my daughter.
- Ben - Yes? - Well done.
You've passed the first test.
- Have I? - You've proved yourself a man of discretion.
No matter how hard I pressed you, you still insisted she was your daughter.
- But she is.
- There you go.
Oh, my God! I (Chuckling) You think Janey's my - Well, isn't she? - No.
No, no, no.
Janey's my Hmm? - Mistress.
- Ha! Cheers.
Cheers.
Janey! Janey! Janey! Janey, there's something I want to tell you, and it's rather urgent.
What do you want? Is my daughter in there? - Who wants to know? - I'll tell you who wants to know.
Her father.
Excuse me.
This is my room.
Janey? Janey! Janey! Who's this? - Who's this? - Who are you? Sorry! (Bell pinging) - Good evening, sir.
- Yes, hello.
Good evening.
My daughter.
She switched our room without telling me, and I'd like to know where she is.
- No problem, sir.
It'll be on the computer.
- Oh good.
The name's Harper.
- Well? - Oh, I don't know how to do it.
Well, perhaps you could find someone who does? Certainly, sir.
One of the lads will sort you out.
First thing in the morning.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Yes, sir.
Technology is a wonderful thing.
I could make you a sandwich, sir.
Yeah, all right.
I'll need your room number.
Well, that's really good.
A family drama, chick-lit, murder mystery.
You really want to know what happens next.
Let's find out.
Chapter nine.
(Doorbell) (Mikey) Mum! Someone for you! (Groaning) - Mrs Harper? - Yes.
I've got Kenzo.
- Is there a problem? - Janey hired me for last night.
- She said you'd pick him up today.
- She said what?! - She said you'd - Yes, I heard what she said.
- I can't look after him today.
- Why not? I am writing a novel.
Right.
Got a publisher? - No.
- Then it's not going to happen.
Here.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Ah must have dropped my phone card.
Someone's going to get a shock when he gets the bill.
- Poor old Ben Harper.
- What do you mean? - That's his wife.
- No, it isn't.
I know Susan Harper, and that's not her.
- She is with Ben Harper, though.
- Rubbish.
Morning, darling.
Thanks for a lovely night.
Told you.
Have some salmon.
It's delicious, and it's not cheap.
I over-ordered.
Thanks to you, I haven't slept a wink.
My back is killing me and I spent most of the night with my feet in the air.
Janey, you changed rooms without telling me.
I don't have to tell you everything, Dad.
Look, Janey, just this weekend, I'd prefer it if you don't call me Dad.
- So you're ashamed of your own daughter? - Shh.
Look, it's a little embarrassing, but when I've explained it, I think you'll understand.
More prunes, my dear? No, thank you.
I've had an ample sufficiency.
Oh, my God! That is disgusting! How could you even suggest that? - Excuse me.
I'm looking for - Ben Harper? In the breakfast room.
Thank you.
Life is good.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Ben Harper.
Anyone seen my husband? Ben Harper.
- Now, that's Susan Harper.
- And her with a baby.
It's not right.
More pork, Michael? Yes, please, Hubert.
Quiet, isn't it? Where is everyone? Well, my dad's gone to a dental conference.
He's taken my sister cos my mum thinks it's boring, but my sister arranged to leave the baby with my mum, and she's furious at being dumped on, so she's followed them up there.
With the baby.
That sounds like a recipe for total disaster.
Doesn't it? What are we doing here? So, he's got his mistress here, and Susan turns up.
And that's not all.
There's another woman pretending to be his wife.
- Really? - A tall blonde girl.
He left his toothbrush at her place.
So he's got three fancy women at the same time? No, I told you, the third one is his wife.
- The one with the baby? - Yes.
- Oh, that poor woman.
- How dreadful! We're with Ben Harper.
Now, this I didn't expect.
- Mrs Harper, I presume? - Mum! You could have knocked! I didn't want to disturb you.
I believe this is yours.
- You, what's your name? - Helmut.
OK, Helmut, easy on the left shoulder.
Oh How could you do this to me, Janey? - Today of all days.
I very nearly wrote a novel.
- Never mind me.
- Do you know what Dad's done? - Nothing that would surprise me.
- Harder, Helmut, harder.
- He's asked me to pretend to be his mistress.
- His what? - Yeah.
Apparently, that'll clinch the deal with this Geoffrey Dutton bloke.
Right, he's gone too far this time.
I don't mind being replaced as Ben's wife, but nobody, I repeat, nobody replaces me as his mistress.
I don't want to appear pushy, Geoffrey, but I think I've pretty much got this partnership in the bag.
- Pardon my chutzpah.
- You're pretty much the front runner.
- Yes! I'm sorry.
- Though I do have a couple of concerns.
- Bring it on, Geoff.
- It's about your young lady.
Oh, you mean at breakfast? - Yeah.
She's a bit of a liability at times.
- She called you dad.
- She really is your daughter, isn't she? - Listen - Yes.
- So, you don't have a mistress after all? No.
Is that bad? Bad for me.
You must think me a very wicked person.
- If you want me to.
- You see, I thought if you joined my practice, I could keep your secret and you could keep mine.
Only, now it appears you don't have a secret.
I do.
Yes.
- I've got a I've got a mistress.
- You just told me you didn't.
Yeah, I I was being discreet.
Ah, you see, it's not Janey.
In fact, she's here, in this hotel.
Well, I'm sorry, Harper, I just don't believe you.
I'll go and get her.
I'll be back in two minutes.
Oh, um here's my card.
(Laughter) Abi! Abi! It might sound weird, but I would like you to be my mistress for half an hour.
- OK.
- Great.
Come on.
It's urgent.
- You fiend! How dare you? - Roger! Roger, it's just for a minute.
You won't miss her.
- Let her go! Let her go! She's mine! - Roger, she's mine! - No! - Roger, I'm desperate! Buy a magazine! Look, just show it the vermouth, plenty of gin and an olive.
It's not that difficult.
Yes, I do seem young for a dentist.
It's just because I'm so brilliant, I went to Cambridge at the age of eight.
What are you doing later? No, no, no! I couldn't find her.
She's probably off having her face waxed.
No, she'll turn up.
- She does exist.
- Of course she does.
She's here.
Hmm? Hello, darling.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I left you at the gift shop.
- I was telling Kitty here about our plans.
- Kitty? Yes, Kitty.
Vot's wrong vis Kitty? - It's just that it's my pet name for you.
- And now it's mine too.
You know, Harper, I've enjoyed talking to Kitty here.
She does you credit.
- Does she? - Yes.
- Well done, Kitty! - I feel I can rely upon your discretion.
Of course.
My lips are sealed ven necessary.
- You can always rely on the older ones.
- Watch it, buster! Yes, well, I'm convinced.
- What? You mean, um - Yes, Ben Harper, you're in.
- Oh! - I'll get my lawyers to draw up a contract.
Oh, hello, Harley Street.
Goodbye, Roger.
Well done, Kitty.
- Off you go now.
Go on.
- What? Yes.
Haven't you got a Britney Spears song to rehearse? Very well, my little Benny-Ben-Ben.
He seems like an idiot, but he's a tiger between ze sheets.
- Ah! Ah! - No, no, no, please, stay.
It's a good opportunity to become better acquainted.
No, you don't need to know any more.
Off you go.
- You'll never see her ever again.
- Ben, Ben, we're going to be partners.
We have to share everything.
- What? - You do want to be partners, don't you? It's your choice, Ben.
After all ze things you've done to clinch this deal, why stop now? Well, Ben, partners? Yes.
- He's also got a grandmother going cheap.
- Kitty, we'll discuss this later.
OK? The main thing is the deal is in the bag.
Ah Ah, my wife.
- Penny.
- Susan.
Susan Harper.
- Who? - (Penny) Ben's wife.
We always get left in a corner together at dental conferences.
Hello, Penny.
- Your wife? You said - No, I didn't.
She did.
- Because Janey said you asked her to do it.
- Yes, but she wouldn't, so I asked Abi.
- Oh, really? Well, aren't you a piece of - Don't blame me.
I did it because he has a mistress and I haven't.
- What? - Yes.
Yes.
He's got a mistress.
Oh, Ben, I'm really glad I came.
I've got a great idea for my second novel.
- Well, you blew it.
- I blew it? You blew it! Anyway, you said you didn't care about the money.
Things are different now.
I have to take ten years off work.
I have two novels to finish.
Er Geoffrey, my card.
Right, there we are, sir.
Rather fun, wasn't it? - That's not too bad.
- For a subtotal, no.
What's this? Ballooning? Pony trekking? Clay-pigeon shooting? Car hire? Six hours of adult films? He's insatiable! - Was this you, Susan? - No.
- Janey? - When do I have time for ballooning? - I'm a full-time mother.
- Well, who, then?