NewsRadio (1995) s05e13 Episode Script
Towers
Stop it.
Why don't you? Good morning.
Hi, Dave.
Who's the cake for? Matthew.
It's his birthday.
Is it? Yes, it is.
Well, if it's Matthew's birthday where's the, uh--? Where's the clown and the pony? Dave, come on.
A pony? Yeah.
You're right.
Baby stuff, huh? But where the hell's the clown? The clown left after he found out Matthew was gonna be 30.
Oh! Matthew.
Oh.
ALL: Surprise! ALL: Happy birth-- Shut up.
Well, isn't this sweet? Why don't you just mock me, huh? We're just-- We're just trying to wish you a happy birthday.
A happy bir-- [BLOWS.]
Happy birthday.
Why don't you just rub it in my face.
Well-- Matthew.
Hey, take it easy.
No, rub it in my face.
There you go.
Yeah.
Rub it all over my face.
Rub it in my face.
Happy birthday.
How's your precious birthday now, fools? [.]
Oh, thank you, Beth.
Matthew's not back yet.
Come on, he's turned 30.
He's acting a little strange but it's nothing to panic about.
Dave, Matthew saw the balloons and he did not shout, "goody.
" I'd say that's a little bit more than strange.
All right, I'll-- I'll admit it does seem like cause for alarm.
But, uh, you know, let's just try to think happy thoughts, all right? Did somebody mention happy thoughts? Uh, yeah, hi.
Hi, good morning.
Good morning.
Hey, what would you say if I told you your future lay out there in the bullpen? I'd say that's the very thought that keeps me awake at night.
Yeah? Well, now you can stay awake during the day too, because it is time to shake hands with tomorrow.
Come on.
All right.
So there comes a time in every man's life when he must turn with bittersweet reverie to thoughts of his legacy.
Mr.
James? I'm on the air in two minutes, so-- Okay, fine.
All right.
And so I was thinking, what does a rich man usually do to make a lasting impression, huh? Grow his nails long and collect his urine in jars.
Yeah.
Yeah, some do.
Some do.
But what this one does is build a huge-ass building.
Ta-da! Look.
It's shaped like two J's.
Yeah, and, uh, why do you suppose that would be, Maxie? Your initials.
Attaboy.
I always hire the smart ones, don't I? What is this, uh, little building right here? Is that a storage shed or something? Nah.
It's the Plaza Hotel.
Sir, h-how big is this building supposed to be exactly? Dave, it is 200 stories.
It's the tallest building in the world, all right? It's gonna be-- It's gonna be right on the park.
There's gonna be, like-- Like, 14 swimming pools, two golf courses, a-- A food court with it's-- It's own justice system.
And here.
Two floors just for dogs alone.
And wait-- Wait until you look.
Wait for it.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
The biggest damn disco you ever saw.
But, Mr.
James, the Sears Tower's only, like, 110 stories.
I mean, is it even possible to go to 200? I have two words for you, Joe: mon-ney.
And lots of it.
Oh, my God.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Take a picture.
It lasts longer.
Oh, let me get my camera.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, hurry.
Matthew, why are you dressed like that? [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Because I'm a free man.
Okay? I don't have to wear a suit and a tie like some trained monkey in your fascist little circus.
Matthew, you've never worn a suit and tie in your life.
And you've certainly never been trained.
Why did you do that to your hair? Because my hair has rights too.
What are you gonna do about it? No, I wasn't-- You know Nothing.
I was just thinking, that's the same color my grandmother used.
Bollocks.
Okay, I guess I'd better go talk to him.
That's all right.
I'll do it.
Oh, good, Dave.
I was just setting you up.
Yeah.
Matthew? Matthew? Matthew? If you've come to give me guff about drinking brewskis in the office, just don't waste your breath, grandpa.
Well, Matthew, I-- I probably would give you some guff, but I'm afraid root beer doesn't count as a brewsky.
Bollocks.
I get it.
You've, uh-- You've gotten into the whole punk scene.
And that's all right.
I mean, I was into punk when I was a teenager too, you know? In fact, I-- I-- I had a really great collection of, uh, Buzzcocks albums.
Uh, all on vinyl.
[SIGHS.]
Question: Do I care? Answer: No bloody way! You're just mad about the clown not showing up, aren't you? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Screw the clown.
And-- And the-- The pony that he-- He didn't ride in on.
You know, it's the 30 candles in the cake that just really broke the camel's arse.
Ah.
I understand, you know.
I mean, I found it kind of hard when I turned 30 too, you know? [CHUCKLING.]
But I-- I managed to-- I managed to channel it in a more socially acceptable way.
What? What--? What--? What did you do? I drank.
Quite a bit, come to think of it.
Although that's-- That's not really much of an option for you, is it? No.
But it's only natural.
I mean, we all have that desire to turn back time and, you know, relive our youth.
Yeah.
Maybe you do, Dave.
But this is my first time being a punk, so You mean, you didn't go through a punk phase when you were a kid? No.
No, I spent the first 30 years of my life living by the rules.
So it's payback time.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hold on to your panties, nancy boy.
Okay.
You enjoy it, Matthew.
I am a lineman For the county [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Here's your coffee, Dave.
Thank you, Beth.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
God, what is wrong with him? Nothing.
He's just going through a bit of a mid-life crisis.
Oh, he freaked out about the big 3-0? Yeah.
Although with him it seems more like the terrible twos.
Oh, Dave, I've seen this before.
They come in with their drugs and their attitude and next thing you know, they're hassling the old people and the streets are no longer yours.
It's Charles Bronson Week on TNT, right? Dude, every week's Charles Bronson Week on TNT.
True.
But leave him alone, all right? I'm gonna just talk to him.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Well, be my guest.
Joe, why are you growling? You're not gonna hurt him, are you? Yeah, I'm gonna hurt him a little.
I thought that was understood.
No.
Dave thinks you're just gonna go in there and talk to him.
Oh, trust me.
I've been beating up punks ever since I was a little kid.
They like it.
It makes them feel oppressed.
Joe, Matthew's not a punk.
He's a poser.
Yeah, you're right.
I gotta work this off somehow.
Where? Down to the alternative-record store and kick some ass.
[.]
What's up, sir? Oh, I was just-- I was just checking out to see how the-- The Jumbo Jimbos look from space.
How do they look? Huge.
Wow.
I must just look like a little ant from way up there, huh? Lisa, you're standing, like, three feet away from me.
Yeah.
I-- I know.
I-- I was just trying to-- Can I talk to you about the towers? Yeah, shoot.
Go ahead.
Um, I-- I've been doing a little calculating.
And I-- I'm sure you don't know this, but, you know, a-- A 200-storey building is gonna cast quite a shadow.
And-- And that shadow is going to land directly on Central Park.
Yeah, so? So that means for a full fifth of the park, including the baseball fields and the petting zoo, lights out begins at 2 p.
m.
So? So plants will die, people will get mugged and children will be deprived of vitamin D.
People can do that stuff in the other four-fifths of the park.
Besides, what about the people who live in the sewers and only come out at night? They gotta-- They gotta use the park too.
I see.
So you're envisioning entire families of mutant mole people coming up from beneath the streets to play some ball? Yeah.
See? I got a manhole right here.
Look, it's also gonna destroy three historic blocks.
Does the Landmarks Preservation Bureau have anything to say? Well, to tell you the truth, I was kind of hoping to slip it right past them.
You know what I mean? Excuse me, sir.
But how are you gonna slip this past anybody? Oh, well, see, they-- They think I'm building a-- Building a parking garage right here.
And? And, you know, a lot of things can, uh, happen while you're building a parking garage.
Like? Like three square blocks could, uh, you know, accidentally implode during the night.
You know what I mean? I know what you mean.
Yeah.
You-- You do realize, sir, that I am a-- A reporter.
Oh, what, do you--? What, do you want to put this on the air? Well, yes.
Reporters have an obligation to put stuff like this on the air.
Well, Clark Kent was a reporter but he didn't go blabbing around he was Superman, did he? Well, that's probably why the Daily Planet folded, sir.
Okay, fine.
It doesn't matter.
Those hussies from Landmark Preservation can't stop me, because once the people learn about the Jumbo Jimbos they're gonna be clamoring for them in the streets.
I think, sir, you are greatly overestimating the power of the mutant-mole-people lobby.
I think maybe you're forgetting something too.
What's that? Disco, right there.
Hey.
You've gotta do something about Matthew.
Oh, come on.
He's just going through a phase.
It's natural.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
Your desk isn't right next to his.
I'm sorry.
That's just how we do things around here.
New guy has to sit next to Matthew.
I understand.
And normally I am cool with that.
But it's literally crazy.
What's he doing now? Well, just come and see.
All right.
Come on.
I'm coming.
Will you come on? Will you come on? Max, I'm right behind you.
What? He's working peacefully.
What? Watch this.
Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, ner-- Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, ner-- All right.
All right.
Matthew? Matthew? What are you doing, hm? Nerdly McNerdsville invaded my airspace, okay? I can't have that.
Matthew, trust me, all right.
Shouting "nerd" at people is not what punk's all about.
Oh.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
I wish I had a pretty little face like yours so I could smash it.
Matthew-- Matthew, I know-- I know you're troubled right now and-- And if you'd like to talk about it, we can-- Nerd.
Nerd.
N-- N-- N-- N-- N-- Nerd.
[LOW PITCH.]
Nerd.
[HIGH PITCH.]
Nerd.
I think I've made my point.
Seriously, Matthew, i-i-if you just need to talk, you know, my door's always open.
Or if-- Maybe if you'd like to borrow some records-- No, thanks.
I've already got me own discs.
Well, what do you--? What do you got here, anyway? Stryper? S-S-S-Stryper and Winger and The Best of Jon Bon Jovi.
Matthew, I don't mind you changing your appearance, but when you start bringing crap like this into the office I have to draw the line.
You can't stop the music, old man.
I'm young, I'm strong, and you can't stand it.
No, I can't stand this crap.
You call this punk? I can't take this.
What? Good day, fascist.
No, you-- Matthew, get back here-- I said, good day, fascist.
Matthew! [.]
And now for an update of our continuing coverage of MAN [OVER RECORDING.]
: "The Jimmy James Towers: Total Eclipse of The Park.
" In the wake of WNYX's story, the Landmarks Preservation Bureau now plans to review its original permit.
Meanwhile, some 50 peaceful protesters have gathered outside the Criterion Building, home of WNYX, to demonstrate against the proposed construction.
More after this.
Help Jimmy.
Someone.
Mr.
James, are you all right? DAVE: What the hell happened? Mob.
Angry.
Jimmy.
Helpless.
You! All right.
Let's go in the break room.
I'm gonna patch you up, okay? We're gonna get you a snack.
Pudding? Yeah.
We're gonna get you some pudding.
Oh, my God.
Calm-- Calm down.
It's not like you personally attacked him.
No, I didn't.
Other people did it.
I'm completely innocent.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Just like Charles Manson.
Lisa.
For your information, Charles Manson went to prison.
Matthew, where have you been? Sorry, Mussolini.
I had some business to take care of down on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Doing what? Getting this.
"Mayhem"? Deal with it, bloody ponces.
Bloody what? Po Mayhem! Are you all right, sir? Oh, it was awful.
It was just-- It was just-- Oh, they were swarming all around me.
You know, they were pulling and clawing.
You know, I might still be there if I hadn't thrown a bunch of cash up into the air.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I knew there'd be protesters.
I-- I just thought they'd be a lot, you know, wussier.
Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, most of them were wearing glasses.
Can I get you anything? Water? No, no.
I'm fine.
I'm-- I'm good.
And you know what? You-- You could do me a favor.
Could you take that model and put it somewhere down there close to my feet? Why? I'd like to stomp it, but I don't want to get up.
[SIGHS.]
Mr.
James, that's not necessary.
Well, I'm not gonna get to build the damn thing anyway.
I mean, they took away all my permits, you know? And, uh-- And everybody in the city seems to have gone sunshine-crazy.
Does that make you happy? No, sir.
No, of course I'm not happy.
Well, you got what you wanted.
You got sun and fun in the park.
And-- And Jimmy's legacy got shoved into the damn sewer with the mutant mole people.
I'm sorry.
I do not understand why you're so fixated on having these towers be your legacy.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You know who Guggenheim was? Yes.
Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.
Wrong.
He was some guy who built a ugly museum, named it after himself.
But when people see it they go, "Hey, Guggenheim.
" What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothing.
He's a big fat nothing.
Sir.
You are hardly nothing.
Well, you're-- You're right.
May-- Maybe I'm not nothing.
Of course you're not nothing.
I'm Jimmy James! That's right.
The one and only.
Jimmy James! Yeah! The guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim.
No, sir.
No.
Matthew! What are you doing? I was trying to get a packet of crisps, and the flipping machine ate me quid.
Okay.
First off, in this country, we have dollars, not quids, we call them "potato chips," not "crisps," and we do not kick vending machines.
You know what I think of that? Revolution! It says "mayhem," Matthew.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I was gonna get revolution.
Uh-huh.
It was just too many letters.
From now on, you are going to come to work on time, you are actually going to do your work and you are gonna dress like a radio professional, not like some 14-year-old glue-huffer.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
You know what I think of that? If you show me your belly one more time, you're fired.
I wasn't going to.
Yes, you were.
No.
Well, then what were you gonna do? I was going Huh? you to kiss me bum, monkey.
Okay.
I got something for you.
This is a perfect legacy.
A bridge.
A bridge? A really big bridge.
With your name on it.
Thousands of people will cross it every day.
Lisa, nobody ever says anything good about a bridge, all right? They'd-- They'd be, like, uh, "Traffic was blocked up for hours today on the Jimmy James," or some-- "Some loser jumped off the Jimmy James today," or, "I was driving along the Jimmy James while my best friend was back-- Back home in bed with my wife.
" That last one could happen anywhere, sir.
Yeah, I know.
But it didn't.
It happened on the Jimmy James.
Okay, so we have to think unconventionally, right? Unconventionally.
Right.
Plus, you know BOTH: Big.
Right.
Jimmy-lantis, an underwater colony: the final frontier.
Already tried it.
You did not.
I did so.
Yeah, I did.
Lost some damn good divers too.
Damn barracudas.
Well, this is certainly turning out to be a lot harder than I thought.
Oh, tell me about it.
You know I-- I once had a mountain carved in my likeness.
Well, then you already have a legacy, Mr.
James.
Nah, they made me look fat, so I had to blow the whole thing up.
[.]
Oh, hey, Joe.
How'd that vigilante justice work out? Ah, I couldn't find any punk rockers so I went down to the park and I chased some skateboarders.
That's cool.
Skateboarders are wankers.
Can I come with you next time? Yeah, sure.
What time do you get off work? Why? You gotta get there early before the good one's are already beat up.
Oh.
Mr.
Nelson.
Hey, Reg.
What's the problem? I found him in the coffee shop stuffing plastic forks in his pants.
Is that some radio stunt? Afraid not.
Well, keep an eye him if you're gonna let him off his leash.
Sure, Reg.
Later, fuzz! Ma-- Matthew? What? Plastic forks? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah.
I would have gotten away if they hadn't all shifted around down there.
What were you thinking? What the heck--? What could you possibly have been thinking? [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
For the last time, lay off! I didn't ask to be born.
No.
And by the same token, I didn't give birth to you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah, you're not my mother.
So don't tell me what to do, okay, please.
No.
I'm your boss, and I'm telling you to get in that room for the next hour and think about what you've done.
Fine.
I like it in there better anyway.
Without your comic books, you don't.
I still like it.
Not once I take the microwave out so you can't play with it.
Why are you doing this to me? Believe it or not, Matthew, I'm doing this because I care about you.
Yeah.
You care about me like an employee or a man? Oh, hell, like a man, I guess.
Look me in the eye.
Uh-uh.
You're serious.
Wow, Dave, you really love me.
Care.
I said care.
This is like a real moment we're having here, Dave.
Yeah.
Let's not ruin it with a lot of emotions, shall we? No.
Wow, this whole time, I was just-- I was thinking of myself.
Mm-hm.
And here you were thinking of myself too.
That's-- To an extent, yes.
An extent.
Wow.
I'm sorry, Dave.
I've been out of control.
I don't know.
Well You know what? I'm gonna straighten up and fly right from now on.
Great.
I'm just glad we had a chance to sort this out.
But first, punish me.
I don't think that's necessary.
I mean it.
I deserve it.
No, Matthew, we've resolved this to my satisfaction-- Punish me.
I want it.
No, I-- Punish me! Punish me! Punish me! [SIGHS.]
Okay, wait in the break room.
Thank you, Dave.
Joe.
Oh, my God! I'll get you, punk.
So we could, uh-- We could put, like, this-- This really big restaurant on top and everything like that.
Why not make it a revolving restaurant? Like the world's fastest? I love it.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
What's going on? Oh, well, I am pleased to announce that the New York City skyline will not be tarnished by the Jimmy James Space Tower Plaza.
Ain't it grand? You're happy? Well, Max-- All right, sweetie, look, give me a second.
Max, I'm gonna get the towers, all right? I'm just gonna build them in London.
London, England? Yeah.
Home of the American Werewolf.
But won't that screw up London as much as it would screw up New York? [GIGGLES.]
Who gives a damn about London? Seriously, Joe, I'm not a punk anymore.
Then you don't need that tattoo.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Max, you still got that butterfly on your butt? [LAUGHING.]
[SANDER WHIRRING.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[SANDER WHIRRS.]
[MAX SCREAMS.]
[.]
Why don't you? Good morning.
Hi, Dave.
Who's the cake for? Matthew.
It's his birthday.
Is it? Yes, it is.
Well, if it's Matthew's birthday where's the, uh--? Where's the clown and the pony? Dave, come on.
A pony? Yeah.
You're right.
Baby stuff, huh? But where the hell's the clown? The clown left after he found out Matthew was gonna be 30.
Oh! Matthew.
Oh.
ALL: Surprise! ALL: Happy birth-- Shut up.
Well, isn't this sweet? Why don't you just mock me, huh? We're just-- We're just trying to wish you a happy birthday.
A happy bir-- [BLOWS.]
Happy birthday.
Why don't you just rub it in my face.
Well-- Matthew.
Hey, take it easy.
No, rub it in my face.
There you go.
Yeah.
Rub it all over my face.
Rub it in my face.
Happy birthday.
How's your precious birthday now, fools? [.]
Oh, thank you, Beth.
Matthew's not back yet.
Come on, he's turned 30.
He's acting a little strange but it's nothing to panic about.
Dave, Matthew saw the balloons and he did not shout, "goody.
" I'd say that's a little bit more than strange.
All right, I'll-- I'll admit it does seem like cause for alarm.
But, uh, you know, let's just try to think happy thoughts, all right? Did somebody mention happy thoughts? Uh, yeah, hi.
Hi, good morning.
Good morning.
Hey, what would you say if I told you your future lay out there in the bullpen? I'd say that's the very thought that keeps me awake at night.
Yeah? Well, now you can stay awake during the day too, because it is time to shake hands with tomorrow.
Come on.
All right.
So there comes a time in every man's life when he must turn with bittersweet reverie to thoughts of his legacy.
Mr.
James? I'm on the air in two minutes, so-- Okay, fine.
All right.
And so I was thinking, what does a rich man usually do to make a lasting impression, huh? Grow his nails long and collect his urine in jars.
Yeah.
Yeah, some do.
Some do.
But what this one does is build a huge-ass building.
Ta-da! Look.
It's shaped like two J's.
Yeah, and, uh, why do you suppose that would be, Maxie? Your initials.
Attaboy.
I always hire the smart ones, don't I? What is this, uh, little building right here? Is that a storage shed or something? Nah.
It's the Plaza Hotel.
Sir, h-how big is this building supposed to be exactly? Dave, it is 200 stories.
It's the tallest building in the world, all right? It's gonna be-- It's gonna be right on the park.
There's gonna be, like-- Like, 14 swimming pools, two golf courses, a-- A food court with it's-- It's own justice system.
And here.
Two floors just for dogs alone.
And wait-- Wait until you look.
Wait for it.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
The biggest damn disco you ever saw.
But, Mr.
James, the Sears Tower's only, like, 110 stories.
I mean, is it even possible to go to 200? I have two words for you, Joe: mon-ney.
And lots of it.
Oh, my God.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Take a picture.
It lasts longer.
Oh, let me get my camera.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, hurry.
Matthew, why are you dressed like that? [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Because I'm a free man.
Okay? I don't have to wear a suit and a tie like some trained monkey in your fascist little circus.
Matthew, you've never worn a suit and tie in your life.
And you've certainly never been trained.
Why did you do that to your hair? Because my hair has rights too.
What are you gonna do about it? No, I wasn't-- You know Nothing.
I was just thinking, that's the same color my grandmother used.
Bollocks.
Okay, I guess I'd better go talk to him.
That's all right.
I'll do it.
Oh, good, Dave.
I was just setting you up.
Yeah.
Matthew? Matthew? Matthew? If you've come to give me guff about drinking brewskis in the office, just don't waste your breath, grandpa.
Well, Matthew, I-- I probably would give you some guff, but I'm afraid root beer doesn't count as a brewsky.
Bollocks.
I get it.
You've, uh-- You've gotten into the whole punk scene.
And that's all right.
I mean, I was into punk when I was a teenager too, you know? In fact, I-- I-- I had a really great collection of, uh, Buzzcocks albums.
Uh, all on vinyl.
[SIGHS.]
Question: Do I care? Answer: No bloody way! You're just mad about the clown not showing up, aren't you? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Screw the clown.
And-- And the-- The pony that he-- He didn't ride in on.
You know, it's the 30 candles in the cake that just really broke the camel's arse.
Ah.
I understand, you know.
I mean, I found it kind of hard when I turned 30 too, you know? [CHUCKLING.]
But I-- I managed to-- I managed to channel it in a more socially acceptable way.
What? What--? What--? What did you do? I drank.
Quite a bit, come to think of it.
Although that's-- That's not really much of an option for you, is it? No.
But it's only natural.
I mean, we all have that desire to turn back time and, you know, relive our youth.
Yeah.
Maybe you do, Dave.
But this is my first time being a punk, so You mean, you didn't go through a punk phase when you were a kid? No.
No, I spent the first 30 years of my life living by the rules.
So it's payback time.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hold on to your panties, nancy boy.
Okay.
You enjoy it, Matthew.
I am a lineman For the county [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Here's your coffee, Dave.
Thank you, Beth.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
God, what is wrong with him? Nothing.
He's just going through a bit of a mid-life crisis.
Oh, he freaked out about the big 3-0? Yeah.
Although with him it seems more like the terrible twos.
Oh, Dave, I've seen this before.
They come in with their drugs and their attitude and next thing you know, they're hassling the old people and the streets are no longer yours.
It's Charles Bronson Week on TNT, right? Dude, every week's Charles Bronson Week on TNT.
True.
But leave him alone, all right? I'm gonna just talk to him.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Well, be my guest.
Joe, why are you growling? You're not gonna hurt him, are you? Yeah, I'm gonna hurt him a little.
I thought that was understood.
No.
Dave thinks you're just gonna go in there and talk to him.
Oh, trust me.
I've been beating up punks ever since I was a little kid.
They like it.
It makes them feel oppressed.
Joe, Matthew's not a punk.
He's a poser.
Yeah, you're right.
I gotta work this off somehow.
Where? Down to the alternative-record store and kick some ass.
[.]
What's up, sir? Oh, I was just-- I was just checking out to see how the-- The Jumbo Jimbos look from space.
How do they look? Huge.
Wow.
I must just look like a little ant from way up there, huh? Lisa, you're standing, like, three feet away from me.
Yeah.
I-- I know.
I-- I was just trying to-- Can I talk to you about the towers? Yeah, shoot.
Go ahead.
Um, I-- I've been doing a little calculating.
And I-- I'm sure you don't know this, but, you know, a-- A 200-storey building is gonna cast quite a shadow.
And-- And that shadow is going to land directly on Central Park.
Yeah, so? So that means for a full fifth of the park, including the baseball fields and the petting zoo, lights out begins at 2 p.
m.
So? So plants will die, people will get mugged and children will be deprived of vitamin D.
People can do that stuff in the other four-fifths of the park.
Besides, what about the people who live in the sewers and only come out at night? They gotta-- They gotta use the park too.
I see.
So you're envisioning entire families of mutant mole people coming up from beneath the streets to play some ball? Yeah.
See? I got a manhole right here.
Look, it's also gonna destroy three historic blocks.
Does the Landmarks Preservation Bureau have anything to say? Well, to tell you the truth, I was kind of hoping to slip it right past them.
You know what I mean? Excuse me, sir.
But how are you gonna slip this past anybody? Oh, well, see, they-- They think I'm building a-- Building a parking garage right here.
And? And, you know, a lot of things can, uh, happen while you're building a parking garage.
Like? Like three square blocks could, uh, you know, accidentally implode during the night.
You know what I mean? I know what you mean.
Yeah.
You-- You do realize, sir, that I am a-- A reporter.
Oh, what, do you--? What, do you want to put this on the air? Well, yes.
Reporters have an obligation to put stuff like this on the air.
Well, Clark Kent was a reporter but he didn't go blabbing around he was Superman, did he? Well, that's probably why the Daily Planet folded, sir.
Okay, fine.
It doesn't matter.
Those hussies from Landmark Preservation can't stop me, because once the people learn about the Jumbo Jimbos they're gonna be clamoring for them in the streets.
I think, sir, you are greatly overestimating the power of the mutant-mole-people lobby.
I think maybe you're forgetting something too.
What's that? Disco, right there.
Hey.
You've gotta do something about Matthew.
Oh, come on.
He's just going through a phase.
It's natural.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
Your desk isn't right next to his.
I'm sorry.
That's just how we do things around here.
New guy has to sit next to Matthew.
I understand.
And normally I am cool with that.
But it's literally crazy.
What's he doing now? Well, just come and see.
All right.
Come on.
I'm coming.
Will you come on? Will you come on? Max, I'm right behind you.
What? He's working peacefully.
What? Watch this.
Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, ner-- Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, ner-- All right.
All right.
Matthew? Matthew? What are you doing, hm? Nerdly McNerdsville invaded my airspace, okay? I can't have that.
Matthew, trust me, all right.
Shouting "nerd" at people is not what punk's all about.
Oh.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
I wish I had a pretty little face like yours so I could smash it.
Matthew-- Matthew, I know-- I know you're troubled right now and-- And if you'd like to talk about it, we can-- Nerd.
Nerd.
N-- N-- N-- N-- N-- Nerd.
[LOW PITCH.]
Nerd.
[HIGH PITCH.]
Nerd.
I think I've made my point.
Seriously, Matthew, i-i-if you just need to talk, you know, my door's always open.
Or if-- Maybe if you'd like to borrow some records-- No, thanks.
I've already got me own discs.
Well, what do you--? What do you got here, anyway? Stryper? S-S-S-Stryper and Winger and The Best of Jon Bon Jovi.
Matthew, I don't mind you changing your appearance, but when you start bringing crap like this into the office I have to draw the line.
You can't stop the music, old man.
I'm young, I'm strong, and you can't stand it.
No, I can't stand this crap.
You call this punk? I can't take this.
What? Good day, fascist.
No, you-- Matthew, get back here-- I said, good day, fascist.
Matthew! [.]
And now for an update of our continuing coverage of MAN [OVER RECORDING.]
: "The Jimmy James Towers: Total Eclipse of The Park.
" In the wake of WNYX's story, the Landmarks Preservation Bureau now plans to review its original permit.
Meanwhile, some 50 peaceful protesters have gathered outside the Criterion Building, home of WNYX, to demonstrate against the proposed construction.
More after this.
Help Jimmy.
Someone.
Mr.
James, are you all right? DAVE: What the hell happened? Mob.
Angry.
Jimmy.
Helpless.
You! All right.
Let's go in the break room.
I'm gonna patch you up, okay? We're gonna get you a snack.
Pudding? Yeah.
We're gonna get you some pudding.
Oh, my God.
Calm-- Calm down.
It's not like you personally attacked him.
No, I didn't.
Other people did it.
I'm completely innocent.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Just like Charles Manson.
Lisa.
For your information, Charles Manson went to prison.
Matthew, where have you been? Sorry, Mussolini.
I had some business to take care of down on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Doing what? Getting this.
"Mayhem"? Deal with it, bloody ponces.
Bloody what? Po Mayhem! Are you all right, sir? Oh, it was awful.
It was just-- It was just-- Oh, they were swarming all around me.
You know, they were pulling and clawing.
You know, I might still be there if I hadn't thrown a bunch of cash up into the air.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I knew there'd be protesters.
I-- I just thought they'd be a lot, you know, wussier.
Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, most of them were wearing glasses.
Can I get you anything? Water? No, no.
I'm fine.
I'm-- I'm good.
And you know what? You-- You could do me a favor.
Could you take that model and put it somewhere down there close to my feet? Why? I'd like to stomp it, but I don't want to get up.
[SIGHS.]
Mr.
James, that's not necessary.
Well, I'm not gonna get to build the damn thing anyway.
I mean, they took away all my permits, you know? And, uh-- And everybody in the city seems to have gone sunshine-crazy.
Does that make you happy? No, sir.
No, of course I'm not happy.
Well, you got what you wanted.
You got sun and fun in the park.
And-- And Jimmy's legacy got shoved into the damn sewer with the mutant mole people.
I'm sorry.
I do not understand why you're so fixated on having these towers be your legacy.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You know who Guggenheim was? Yes.
Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.
Wrong.
He was some guy who built a ugly museum, named it after himself.
But when people see it they go, "Hey, Guggenheim.
" What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothing.
He's a big fat nothing.
Sir.
You are hardly nothing.
Well, you're-- You're right.
May-- Maybe I'm not nothing.
Of course you're not nothing.
I'm Jimmy James! That's right.
The one and only.
Jimmy James! Yeah! The guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim.
No, sir.
No.
Matthew! What are you doing? I was trying to get a packet of crisps, and the flipping machine ate me quid.
Okay.
First off, in this country, we have dollars, not quids, we call them "potato chips," not "crisps," and we do not kick vending machines.
You know what I think of that? Revolution! It says "mayhem," Matthew.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I was gonna get revolution.
Uh-huh.
It was just too many letters.
From now on, you are going to come to work on time, you are actually going to do your work and you are gonna dress like a radio professional, not like some 14-year-old glue-huffer.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
You know what I think of that? If you show me your belly one more time, you're fired.
I wasn't going to.
Yes, you were.
No.
Well, then what were you gonna do? I was going Huh? you to kiss me bum, monkey.
Okay.
I got something for you.
This is a perfect legacy.
A bridge.
A bridge? A really big bridge.
With your name on it.
Thousands of people will cross it every day.
Lisa, nobody ever says anything good about a bridge, all right? They'd-- They'd be, like, uh, "Traffic was blocked up for hours today on the Jimmy James," or some-- "Some loser jumped off the Jimmy James today," or, "I was driving along the Jimmy James while my best friend was back-- Back home in bed with my wife.
" That last one could happen anywhere, sir.
Yeah, I know.
But it didn't.
It happened on the Jimmy James.
Okay, so we have to think unconventionally, right? Unconventionally.
Right.
Plus, you know BOTH: Big.
Right.
Jimmy-lantis, an underwater colony: the final frontier.
Already tried it.
You did not.
I did so.
Yeah, I did.
Lost some damn good divers too.
Damn barracudas.
Well, this is certainly turning out to be a lot harder than I thought.
Oh, tell me about it.
You know I-- I once had a mountain carved in my likeness.
Well, then you already have a legacy, Mr.
James.
Nah, they made me look fat, so I had to blow the whole thing up.
[.]
Oh, hey, Joe.
How'd that vigilante justice work out? Ah, I couldn't find any punk rockers so I went down to the park and I chased some skateboarders.
That's cool.
Skateboarders are wankers.
Can I come with you next time? Yeah, sure.
What time do you get off work? Why? You gotta get there early before the good one's are already beat up.
Oh.
Mr.
Nelson.
Hey, Reg.
What's the problem? I found him in the coffee shop stuffing plastic forks in his pants.
Is that some radio stunt? Afraid not.
Well, keep an eye him if you're gonna let him off his leash.
Sure, Reg.
Later, fuzz! Ma-- Matthew? What? Plastic forks? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah.
I would have gotten away if they hadn't all shifted around down there.
What were you thinking? What the heck--? What could you possibly have been thinking? [IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
For the last time, lay off! I didn't ask to be born.
No.
And by the same token, I didn't give birth to you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah, you're not my mother.
So don't tell me what to do, okay, please.
No.
I'm your boss, and I'm telling you to get in that room for the next hour and think about what you've done.
Fine.
I like it in there better anyway.
Without your comic books, you don't.
I still like it.
Not once I take the microwave out so you can't play with it.
Why are you doing this to me? Believe it or not, Matthew, I'm doing this because I care about you.
Yeah.
You care about me like an employee or a man? Oh, hell, like a man, I guess.
Look me in the eye.
Uh-uh.
You're serious.
Wow, Dave, you really love me.
Care.
I said care.
This is like a real moment we're having here, Dave.
Yeah.
Let's not ruin it with a lot of emotions, shall we? No.
Wow, this whole time, I was just-- I was thinking of myself.
Mm-hm.
And here you were thinking of myself too.
That's-- To an extent, yes.
An extent.
Wow.
I'm sorry, Dave.
I've been out of control.
I don't know.
Well You know what? I'm gonna straighten up and fly right from now on.
Great.
I'm just glad we had a chance to sort this out.
But first, punish me.
I don't think that's necessary.
I mean it.
I deserve it.
No, Matthew, we've resolved this to my satisfaction-- Punish me.
I want it.
No, I-- Punish me! Punish me! Punish me! [SIGHS.]
Okay, wait in the break room.
Thank you, Dave.
Joe.
Oh, my God! I'll get you, punk.
So we could, uh-- We could put, like, this-- This really big restaurant on top and everything like that.
Why not make it a revolving restaurant? Like the world's fastest? I love it.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
What's going on? Oh, well, I am pleased to announce that the New York City skyline will not be tarnished by the Jimmy James Space Tower Plaza.
Ain't it grand? You're happy? Well, Max-- All right, sweetie, look, give me a second.
Max, I'm gonna get the towers, all right? I'm just gonna build them in London.
London, England? Yeah.
Home of the American Werewolf.
But won't that screw up London as much as it would screw up New York? [GIGGLES.]
Who gives a damn about London? Seriously, Joe, I'm not a punk anymore.
Then you don't need that tattoo.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Max, you still got that butterfly on your butt? [LAUGHING.]
[SANDER WHIRRING.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[SANDER WHIRRS.]
[MAX SCREAMS.]
[.]