Parks and Recreation s05e13 Episode Script

If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons in one word, it would be: Dynamite.
"Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, natural, amazing, merry, inviting, tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly.
Thank you, Councilwoman Knope-- very, very thorough - and so many acronyms.
- I know.
Councilman Jamm? Thank you, Bill.
No, please, everyone be seated.
Let the record show there was a standing ovation.
- No, there wasn't.
- There was not.
History will decide.
My plan for lot 48 is simple.
But why read it when you can shove it right in your face? I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger.
Here's why.
We make money.
They make money.
They make burgers.
We eat burgers.
Mmhmm.
That's a win-win-win-win.
Presentation over.
Jamm out.
Oh, man.
Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries.
Ann.
Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful, innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs.
I'm not editorializing.
Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the greasy lard bomb.
Just give me a hint as to which way you guys are leaning.
Off the record? We're leaning towards Jamm.
Why? You know my plan is better for the community.
Oh, it's way better, but you're also short $50,000.
We can't approve an underfunded project.
Hey, get the rest of the money, you get your park.
You only have a week.
What are we going to do, guys? How are we going to get that money? Hey, come on.
Cheer up, little pups.
Registering for your wedding is the most important moment of your lives.
Love-- love fades away.
But things - Things are forever.
- That's beautiful.
Did the Dalai Lama say that? Ooh! A citrus reamer! Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus.
You're gonna need two of these.
I don't want a citrus reamer.
I don't want any of this stuff.
Look, all I want is to be married to you and to somehow get $50,000.
Hey, hang on.
What if we register for the park instead of the stuff? We could organize a black-tie gala with food and music and maybe a silent auction to raise money.
Yeah, and people could donate, or they could bid to put their names on everything in the park, like benches, cobblestones, trees, ants, air.
Right, some of that is possible.
- You are a genius.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Hey, guys.
I'm really feeling these sheets--very cozy.
I just want to say thank you for all your hard work this week.
Give yourselves a hand.
But your applause is premature.
You just told us to applaud.
Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say.
Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list, and they need to do it for free.
I'm omelet.
Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"? I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now.
Okay, I'm heading out.
Good-pie.
Go.
Gurt.
Go-gurt.
I'm incredible.
See you guys.
Okay.
Donna, Jerry-- Leslie! Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! We have a class-one city emergency.
Oh, my God.
Gayle.
My girls! What's the emergency? Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.
Are you kidding me? The disaster-preparedness people picked today? Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by the Department of Emergency Preparedness.
And Pawnee has failed On last year's report, they stated, "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, "the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem.
" Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, so let's just knock some of this stuff off.
Should someone stop Jerry? Gayle! Eh, he'll figure it out eventually.
First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, "But he's got a great personality.
" Okay, quiz me.
Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542? Assault and battery.
The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.
Great.
What is the criminal code for arson? Arson is 533.
You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.
Oh, I'm nervous.
Babe, look at me.
You are going to pass this test, and you are going to become a cop.
And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Also, I got you a lucky charm.
I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.
Baby, you are so creepy.
Thank you.
I love it.
Dwyer, you're up.
My name is Leonard Tchulm.
I'm head of the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness.
And today I'm going to bring death and destruction to your town.
I am Leslie Knope.
I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar.
And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient.
Good, because the best day for a drill is when it's inconvenient for everyone.
My mother is getting a colonoscopy today.
I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, so we're all making sacrifices, Ms.
Knope.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.
Mm, we're not that close.
Oh.
Good.
Okay, volunteer victims, please put your identification placards on now and go to your designated areas throughout town.
First Responders, return to your stations, and the simulation begins N-n-n Went past the zero.
I got to wait till it goes Okay, now.
All right, officers, bolt the doors.
We are officially in lockdown mode.
The doors will not open until Leonard announces that this drill is complete.
The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room.
This is a nightmare.
Wait.
Maybe this is a nightmare.
Nope, can't fly away.
This is real life.
And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random to determine your simulated disaster.
Pawnee has been hit by A strain of avian flu.
Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot.
This is a simple one, guys.
Everybody open their binders, okay? - "The Knope Protocol"? - Uh, correction.
That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol.
" Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes.
"Step one-- insert the DVD scenario.
" Hmm, what could be on this? Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor Willow Tremaine, with breaking news.
Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee.
We go live now to St.
Joseph's Medical Center for an update.
Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.
D.
I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about.
This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1.
" Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? The tables showed up, which is good, but there are no chairs, which is bad.
Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere.
Great leadership-- inspiring.
Oh, God.
Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today - to promote the gala.
- I'll do it.
No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.
I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry.
Fair point.
I did cry last time.
Godspeed.
Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef.
What you cooking? Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse? You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford.
I know why you're here.
I cannot do the gala.
It doesn't make business sense to cater something that big for free.
Please.
If the gala doesn't go perfectly, the lot could become a Paunch Burger.
Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities? I'm from Orlando.
And I don't care about the Paunch Burger.
If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry.
Hey! Well, you know what? What? What? What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
Pardon! Pardon! Hey, can you hear me? Oh! Leslie, you on the TV! Well, you're on mine, Brett.
- We're having a video conference.
- Oh, okay.
Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu.
- Tight.
- No, this is bad news.
I need everyone there at Animal Control to eradicate all the infected birds in town.
"Kill all birds.
" - This is for the drill, right? - Yes.
But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? No.
No, just pretend.
Right.
So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? No.
I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time.
Okay, let's forget we ever talked.
Got it.
Kill 'em.
Okay, casualty update-- only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers.
That family took a terrible hit.
Well, that's great news.
Not so fast.
I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms-- - Christopher Traeger.
- What? A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine.
Therapy! This is highly irregular.
We have followed protocol to the letter.
No, you did not.
Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department to shut down bus service.
So you rode a bus with a contagious man, and he infected you and 39 others.
That is impossible.
I do not ride the bus.
I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak.
Doesn't matter.
Prepare for the diarrhea.
Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? My bad, guys.
That's my bad.
Chris, very sorry.
Damn it, Jamm.
I should've had animal control kill you.
- Oh, who you want me to kill? - No one.
I'll kill him As soon as I'm done with these birds.
Hello.
I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather.
I went on a booze cruise last week.
It just finished up an hour ago.
On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
But I do need to promote this event.
Don't worry about me.
I'm a true professional.
The show must go on.
In five, four, three Two Hello.
I'm Joan Callamezzo.
Today's show will not go on.
It seems like her allergies are kicking in.
My name is Ron Swanson.
I am here to tell you about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons happening tonight.
All proceeds will go toward building a park.
It will be enjoyable.
Take a-- take a phone call.
Now I will take your calls, apparently.
Yes? Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me.
Who's the sexiest couple in history? R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber-- Hey, how's it going? Uh, well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster.
How are you? Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today.
Ron who? Ron Swanson? On television? You know we want people to come, right? Donna still can't find any chairs.
We don't know where Jerry is.
And now some firemen are using the lot as a triage center for the emergency drill.
Okay, here's what you do.
Listen to me caref-- Attention.
Panic from the outbreak has overloaded cell phone towers.
Please deposit your phones into this box.
Oh, my God, this drill will never end.
- Okay, tell the firefighters - All phones.
To set up triage at the high school - All phones.
- And then to-- but I'm talking to someone important.
- All phones.
- Let me tell him something important.
Fix it, Ben! Fix it! Okay.
What? I found one chair, got a lead on a second.
Keep me posted.
So this test will determine whether you have the right personality profile to be a police officer.
Just to make sure the machine is working, is your name Andy? I don't know how to answer that.
- A simple "yes" or "no.
" - Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so No? Wait.
Yes.
Let's move on.
Scenario-- a high-school-aged child asks to hold your service revolver.
What do you do? Yes, I give it to him.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun.
To make that dream come true for another kid-- Well, that's what being a cop is all about.
Scenario--you pull a car over for speeding.
You find out that it's your father.
- How do you handle the situation? - Ooh.
Well, first, I would be like, "Dad "You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?" Shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere? Oh, no.
If she ever found out that we took her off camera, we'd all be fired.
So just, uh, keep taking calls.
You're doing great.
Three, two Hello, again.
I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls-- hopefully, about tonight's gala.
You're on the air.
Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan? She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Is she gonna be okay? Wouldn't know-- never been hungover.
After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter.
I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.
- That works? - It does.
Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests-- Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.
I'm afraid I have some very bad news.
"I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, "combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, "followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu.
" I'm dead.
I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels like you're putting us through the ringer here.
Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? Uh Probably six to eight more hours.
- Eight more hours? - Nine.
Are all state emergency drills this intensive? Oh, no, hardly ever.
Councilman Jamm requested it.
Oh, really? Specifically asked that the drill to be done today and said I should give you everything I got.
Mmhmm.
Guys! Come here.
The game is rigged.
Jamm invited Leonard here, and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down.
It is with a heavy heart that I say, "We have been jammed.
" God, that guy is the worst! Look, we are stuck in this room until the drill is over.
What are we gonna do? The only thing we can do.
In order to save our park We have to destroy the entire town.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol.
Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? Enough for 2,000 people.
Great.
Why don't you tell the hospital director - to flush them down the toilet.
- You got it.
Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR.
Sorry.
Won't they become infected? That's a risk we're gonna have to take.
Our top priority is now saving all the birds.
And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with A tornado quake! This is Ron.
Go ahead, caller.
Hi.
My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table.
Is there a cheap way to repair that? Great question.
Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table.
That'll mask the scratches.
Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog.
Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.
Come to the gala.
Next caller.
Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.
Don't trust big banks or small banks.
Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.
Your house isn't haunted.
You're lonely.
Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples.
Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you.
" That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.
I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded.
My girlfriend's kids love it.
It's pretty funny.
Next caller.
Good morning.
And it is a wrap.
Everyone in Pawnee is dead.
Including Councilman Jamm.
What? No, no, you can't do that.
It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about.
Oh, well, joke's on you.
I don't have anyone I care about.
Ms.
Knope, I'm afraid I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade.
This was bad-- Fort Wayne bad.
Bummer.
Thank you for your time.
I think we're done here.
I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell.
Yeah, you're too late, Knope.
That lot is mine.
I can't hear you.
I'm a ghost.
Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed! We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill.
I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called.
No one had your cell number, Big "J.
" I find that hard to believe.
Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? We have work to do.
Status report.
- Status report! - Well-- Nope, we don't have time for that.
We're gonna have to postpone the gala, but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow.
Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing.
Leslie, it's okay.
Oh, my God.
You did all this? How did you get food? I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius.
Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? Their competitors.
I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food.
I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, - but-- - No, Tom, I love it.
And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens.
How did you get the word out? Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.
It's been a very rewarding day.
Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage and then gave them and all the dead and wounded - two free drink tickets.
- Wow.
This is great.
Thank you so much.
Let's start the gala.
Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry.
- Hello, Chief Fugleberg.
- Hey.
That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? -Such a shame.
- Oh, no.
- Did he fail his test? - It's weird.
He got 100% on his written test-- first guy in history to do it-- but he failed his personality examination.
He's a sweet kid-- just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop.
Oh, Andy.
Too bad.
He's certainly something of a genius.
We could use his brains on the force.
Official police wrist lock.
You can't hit me.
Try to hit me.
Or here, no, try-- it's this hand.
Wrist lock.
Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me.
Try to hit me.
If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing.
Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, we have reached our fund-raising goal.
Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, will be poured right back into this wonderful project.
And speaking of community, I'd like to thank my community-- my friends.
It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, but it bears repeating-- No one achieves anything alone.
Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee-- Mouse Rat.
Park we will build it, the park it's not built yet, the park soon there will be a park Thank you.
Park I thought you should see why Leslie tanked the drill.
Councilman Jamm used you as a stalling tactic, hoping it would kill Leslie's park project.
If the test were any other day, Leslie would have aced it.
I believe you.
Maybe I'll find my way back here in a month for a re-do.
I appreciate it.
Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? I'm impotent.
Yeah, I don't need to know that.
This is the best wedding present ever.
This is the best night ever.
I wish we were getting married tonight.
Well, we only have three more months.
I can't wait three more months.
God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you.
Well Let's just do it, then.
Let's get married Here, tonight.
I mean, we're all in black tie.
We've got plenty of food and entertainment And you did want to invite the whole town to the wedding, right? Leslie Let's get married Tonight.
_ Breaking news-- I've just been handed this.
Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake.
We go to our reporter, live, Winnifred Makepiece, for the story.
Winnifred? Thanks, Jessica.
I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester.
Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake? That's right, Winnifred, the earthquake registered an 8.
5 on the Richter scale.
That's correct.
It was a large one.
Thank you so much, everyone.
From all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Jessica Rabrit.
Have a good evening and be safe out there.