Scrubs s05e13 Episode Script

Lately, Elliot and her booty call, Keith, loved playing games.
Tonight, it was "The Orchard Owner and the Mexican Apple Thief.
" Confess, Manuel! Confess that you stole these apples.
I was at the dance with the other pickers.
Liar! Frankly, the whole thing disgusted me.
You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco? Mostly because they never let me speak.
He hid them in his pantalones.
He loves these apples.
He makes apples pie and apples juice with them.
You can't talk.
You lost your tongue in that cider press accident.
Now, back to the pickers' bunkhouse! I hate the pickers' bunkhouse.
And I hate Keith.
Which begs the question: Why do I insist on being a part of their foreplay? I guess I needed a distraction because last week, we all thought Mrs.
Wilk was going home.
But she got an infection, and despite our best efforts, she was now gonna die.
To make her happy, we decided to take her to the beach.
I'm gonna miss the feel of sand between my toes.
Still, she was sick, so we couldn't go far.
Want me to bury you? Shut up and move the sunbrella, will you? I'm freckling.
I thought we had more sand.
Now what? OK, people, it's time for the $50,000 cash call.
Today's lucky listener, Ted Buckland! What? Would you love a virgin daiquiri? It's a normal daiquiri.
I just let him give it to you.
- Thanks.
- Hilarious.
Cheers.
You know, I've never really been afraid of death.
I used it as a motivator.
When you know there's an end, it forces you to live.
It forced me in the eighth grade to ask Peter Bucherelli to take me to the sock hop.
It made me dare to travel the world.
It made me who I am.
Still, now that I'm actually staring it in the eye, I Why am I so scared? Sometimes, life sucks.
For everyone.
Sorry, Teddy! Apparently you don't need the money! No! Why? # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # Mrs.
Wilk decided to call the hospital grief counselor.
He had a certain frankness about death.
Which one of you is gonna kick it? Don't tell me.
I want to guess.
I'm thinking it's either you or you.
You 'cause you're hooked up to machines.
Or you have that look of someone who's gonna die young.
- I'm kidding.
- Oh You'll live forever.
Or not.
What do I know? I mean, I'm not psychic.
- We did not like him.
- I think he's funny.
She's delirious.
Mrs.
Wilk, I'm Dr.
Hedrick.
It sounds clichéd, but you're gonna go through "The Five Stages of Grief," which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance.
I assume that you two have already entered into a conversation with Mrs.
Wilk about what dying is gonna be like.
We were doing it before you came in.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Then please, continue.
All right, we will.
Newbie go.
Oh, OK.
Well, well, yeah.
Um OK, death is like a journey.
Uh, a journey in a boat.
And, uh, then this giant light shines down on your "boat" and, uh, carries you up to the heavens.
That was the ending to Cocoon.
Take it away, Coxie.
Keith, keep moving.
No talking.
Hey, where's my wave, you little piece of meat? You know, Elliot, the four of us should go out to dinner.
Why are you so obsessed about going out with other couples? Didn't you learn your lesson last week with our neighbors? Squirrel chili.
Who knew? Ha! It's really good.
- I wanna go home.
- Eat your soup.
No.
They're not our neighbors.
They live in the woods behind our apartment.
We'd be having brunch with them Sunday if you could have choked down the tail.
Carla, I don't know.
Keith is a booty call.
I make it a point not to see him before midnight.
Oh, good, the piles are getting smaller.
Good.
That reminds me.
Did you get that sand out of his office? Yes, I did, and it cut my commute in half.
Good morning, loyal subjects.
Enjoy your day in Janitoria.
Labor until you tire and then labor some more.
Looks like rain.
That could be a problem.
Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off? Well, that depends.
Is Baxter's dog run gonna hose itself down? - No.
- Actually, it is.
I rigged the hose to a timer.
But I need you to clean out my gutters.
But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity! Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows.
We get it, the pedophile did it.
Be at my house at 2:30.
Just once, I Just once, I wish I could treat Kelso like he treats us.
With Kelso, you got no leverage.
Leverage.
Leverage? - You don't know what it means, do ya? - No.
I understand you spend most of your time fighting death, so it's understandable that you're made uncomfortable by this.
Now, if you'd like, I'm willing to counsel both of you.
I was tempted to take him up, but then Dr.
Cox said something.
Listen up.
We don't need any of your head shrinking.
"We!" He said, "we!" After all these years, he's finally made us a team.
Yeah, Hedrick.
If it was up to us, we never would've even called you.
We can handle death just fine.
We might even be going into private practice together.
- What? - Easy.
Now is not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.
Clearly, I'm pushing some buttons here.
You couldn't push my buttons if you tried.
In fact, I have no buttons.
Please think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like GI Joe's nether regions.
By the by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack, who has been yanking pants off toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand.
It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you: the fool.
I'm done suffering you, so go now.
Go.
Go, before you can write a book entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story.
That was a mouthful.
Anyway, if you need to talk, just give me a call.
He seems strangely impervious to my threats.
That annoys me.
Basically, when you're in the mood, you call Keith and he comes over and gives you 20-something nasty? Watch me.
Got the machine.
We're going to your place tonight.
My room smells like apple vinegar.
Put clean sheets on the futon and turn the pictures of your parents face down, except for that one of your dad in the Navy.
It helps me.
How does he put up with that? Would you get my scarf out of the car? I am making a point here, honey.
No man should Turk, less point-making, more scarf-getting.
- What's up? You need a ride? - Keep moving, C-Bear.
I was hunting for bigger game.
Hey, I thought you went home already.
Oh, I tried to, Perry, but I'm having some scooter trouble.
Come on, I'll give you a ride.
Let's go.
Can you believe the huevos on that Hedrick? Holy cow.
It's like we've never had a patient die on us before.
I gotta put this bag in the trunk.
I was in the Porsche.
I had never made it into the Porsche.
It smelled like German heaven.
I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity.
I had to be careful about every little Hey, a root beer.
Don't open that soda.
It has been rolling on the floor.
It will explode.
Apparently, you're not familiar with the John Dorian three-tap method.
Three taps and the foam goes bye-bye.
Works every time.
Ahh! The quickest way to my house is to take Elm.
Elliot, wait.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I looking at your dad too much? His eyes penetrate my soul.
No.
I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now.
That is so sweet.
Tell you something I learned today.
Wet sand plus dehumidifier equals cave-in.
Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers? Why do you hate bikes so much, sir? Son, Daddy's got to move on.
And I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it weren't for your bike.
It's complicated.
Get off the road! Not today, Bobby! Not today! Oh I see we're growling at other human beings now.
How're you feeling, Mrs.
Wilk? Oh, not great.
I'm cold.
She's been getting weaker.
In a hospital, you spend most of your time just trying to hold on.
Whether it's to your perception of a relationship That was fun.
I'm glad you got my message.
I didn't get any message.
- Oh.
- Elliot, if he didn't get your message, that means he called you for sex and you went over and gave it to him.
You're his booty call now.
or trying to hold on to the handlebars of your custom bicycle.
Don't worry, Teddy.
He'll turn.
Why'd you leave me, Daddy?! Whoa! Now we got leverage.
Unfortunately, as a doctor, you see your fair share of people who simply can't hold on any longer.
She's in multi-organ systems dysfunction.
She's OK.
She's ready.
Mrs.
Wilk didn't have much time, so either Dr.
Cox or I had to notify her next of kin.
As physicians, we knew just how to decide who should do it.
First one to drop tells her.
Phew! Pretty strong there, Newbie.
I was not.
But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.
Ah! Ow.
Why are we doing this? I've seen people in Mrs.
Wilk's shape turn around.
She could totally turn it around.
Denial.
Yeah, it's not uncommon for people close to the patient to also go through the five stages of grief.
- It's not denial.
She could rally.
- Totally rally.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, look at her.
She should be in a vitamin commercial.
How would you like to be in a broken jaw commercial? God help me, I don't care if it does give me cancer, I just love this fake sugar.
If he keeps ignoring my threats, I'm gonna have to hit him.
The good news is, it looks like he has a soft face.
- Are you done with my arms? - Coming to ya, Mr.
Johnson.
So I was Keith's booty call, whatever.
It'll blow over.
That's not good enough, Elliot.
By letting Keith get the upper hand, you've given Turk ideas.
Look at him.
Baby, I know you hate my cool walking stick, but I got to be my own man.
It's catching on.
Yeah.
OK, Teddy.
I got this baby flowing now.
I don't know if that's good.
You should sue Kelso.
You have a serious tort on your hands.
Tort? Civil case.
From the French avoir tort.
Did you go to law school? No.
I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's janitor for a while.
- Ruth Bader who? - Hey! There's my guy.
Listen, I just came up to apologize for that little fender-bender out there.
So would two floor seats to the WNBA All-Star Game just make all this ago away? Absolutely! Uh, Ted is gonna be wanting more than that, I'm afraid.
I am? I am! Dr.
Cox and I decided to give Hedrick a piece of our mind.
Unfortunately, I had lost front-seat privileges.
Yep, you're right.
Still a little sticky.
Not yet ready for passengers.
All right, Lester, we're having this out right here, right now! Oh, for the love of God! What's this, some pansy "get in touch with my feelings because my mommy didn't love me" group? Yeah, is that what it is?! Actually, this is a support group for the terminally ill.
Oh, we should probably go.
No, no.
Please, continue.
Stop bugging us.
I find your particular brand of psychobablry about as useful and about as effective as fairy dust.
He's actually helped me quite a lot.
Oh.
Good.
- Dr.
Cox? - Yeah, Newbie, what do you got? That guy looks fantastic.
What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes? You know what? To hell with you, Hedrick! Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr.
Cox here is going through? - Anger.
- Anger, yes.
You don't want to see me angry! Nor do you want to see I angry.
You better hope you don't make any mistakes.
- It's awful.
- Uh Carla's telling Elliot to ignore you so she can regain the power.
I don't really care.
Well, you know, this isn't about you, Keith.
This is about men everywhere who have been abused and bullied by women.
It's about me.
Now when they walk by, you call her a different name.
I won't do it.
Here's how you get your power from Keith: ignore him.
- For realsies? - Yep.
Hey, how you doing, Claire? Did you just call me Claire? No, I would never call you - Oh, snap! - Elliot! - That didn't sound like me.
- I know.
They hear what they want to hear.
They hear what they want to hear.
I'll tell you what, I'd do anything if it meant she'd pull through this.
Me too.
Hey, that sounds like bargaining.
That's the third stage.
By the way, I wasn't hiding there so I could pop up and say that.
I was plugging in my iPod.
Oh, hang on.
We weren't the only ones at the bargaining stage.
Oh! Oh! Now, let's talk, Ted.
Just you and me.
No lawyers.
OK, I know how you can regain control of Keith.
Don't bother.
That booty call thing was fun, but I'm so sick and tired of being a cold, emotionless bastard.
Don't ever get sick and tired of that.
It is awesome being that.
- We love it.
- No! Yeah, it's too much, I know.
Well, you can always get another boy toy, right? Every time you look, you're gonna be reminded of no-strings-attached fun.
That's not what I'll remember.
I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you look right now.
That is so sweet.
Oh, Elliot! You like him.
That was the moment it got real for Elliot.
And for Dr.
Cox and me.
Should be any minute now.
We'd been there before when someone died, but this felt different.
She's gone.
We were definitely in the depression stage.
And bless Hedrick, he didn't say it.
All he said was She was lucky to have you two as doctors.
Letting go is never easy.
Whether it's letting go of the leverage you had over your boss I would like the word "maintenance" on my uni written out in tiny light bulbs.
That way, when I'm on a break, I can turn it off like a taxi.
Your friend settled.
It's over.
I got seven Sunday afternoons off a year.
Yay! or letting go of your old booty call and making him your boyfriend.
Hey.
Do you want to go for dinner tonight? And I mean at seven, not midnight.
I'd love that.
There's nothing more difficult than letting go of someone you cared about.
She was a great old gal.
- She was.
- Hey! Acceptance! Damn bikes! Boy, sometimes you've just got to love Kelso.