Spin City s05e13 Episode Script

Morning Sir.
Good morning, Caitlin.
Mr.
mayor.
Carter.
Morning, everyone.
Morning.
Morning.
Sir.
So, we're not talking about the mayor's outfit? What's wrong with it? Nothing If you're selling customized vans.
I ran out of clean clothes.
My housekeeper of 20 years quit last week.
All she left was a note saying, "goodbye, Randall.
You're out of paper towels and ajax.
" Don't worry, sir we'll find you someone else right away.
Oh, look one of my old business cards.
"Randy Winston, capricorn.
" It was just a gag.
Hey What's your sign? Aries.
Ooh, perfect.
I don't need excuses, Phil.
I need those runways cleared.
You know, 6 months ago when you started you get those snowplows out to the airport now, or I'm going to give your home phone number.
You know, Charlie, councilman Phillips wants approval for a new office park.
Tell that blowhard he'll get approval when he backs the low-income housing plan.
Ahem You know, Charlie ah.
when I started here Go on.
That's where you left off.
Ah, yes 6 months ago When you I had my doubts a lot of people did.
They said that you threw away a promising career.
They said you were washed up.
They said you were a loser.
Who are these people? And you proved them wrong, so as a small token of my gratitude, I'd like you to have this.
I sir That's your Sandy koufax autographed baseball.
I-I can't accept that.
I know how much you admire it.
I want you to have it.
I don't know what to say.
You just keep up the good work.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for finding me a suit on such short notice.
I can be pretty resourceful when I need to be.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Do you realize this ball is from koufax's perfect game in '65? What's the big deal? It's just a baseball.
It's worth $15,000.
It's so beautiful.
Hey, Charlie! Up for the big poker game tonight? Sorry, I got plans.
You always have plans on poker night.
I get it you just don't want to hang out with us.
What's the matter we too nerdy? Too unskilled with the ladies? Does it embarrass you when we steal rolls in restaurants? No, that's not it.
What is it? It's nothing.
Where's the game? It's at my place, isn't it? See ya there, Chuck.
Ball! Just one night of poker with the guys No big deal.
Why would it be? Well, I used to have a little problem with gambling.
Define "little.
" I'd get carried away, and then so would most of my furniture.
Why don't you just tell them? They'll understand.
It means a lot to them if I hang out with them.
Besides, I got it under control.
I'm gonna sit there, purposely lose a couple of hands, drink a few beers, and that's it.
Is there any vice you haven't indulged in? What are you doing?! Microwaving my coffee, like the can-do guy that I am.
Did you leave a spoon in there or something? Nope, we're okay.
Sir, you are too busy to be doing this.
We really have to find you a new housekeeper.
Nonsense! Losing my housekeeper was a blessing in disguise.
It's high time I became more self-sufficient.
Remember the time you tried to mow your own lawn? Poor little squirrel never saw it coming.
Well, at least have someone show you the ropes.
What a generous offer, Caitlin.
We can start by grocery shopping tonight after work.
Me?! Come on it'll be fun.
Bacon's ready.
Paul! Are you in or out?! What's the pot up to? The bet's a dime to you.
I'm in.
Paul, recyclables are only worth a nickel! It's a dime in Vermont! I got 3 Jacks.
Anybody beat that? No.
Yeah! Come to papa! I'm gettin' a pack of gum on the way home, and guess what you guys are payin' for it! All right, my deal.
Uh-oh.
Oh, um Oh, boy.
Oh, I have a terrible hand.
I should fold.
I should fo you know what? No I'm gonna play just for fun, even though I'm probably gonna lose.
Anyone got a read on Paul? Cards? I'm good.
I'll take 3.
Not much to work with here.
Give me 4.
And the dealer takes 3.
The bet's to you, Charlie.
Fold.
You've been folding all night.
I'm just not getting good cards.
The cry of an amateur you don't need good cards to win.
Maybe this is why Charlie doesn't play poker with us.
Maybe he doesn't have the stomach for a big game.
You afraid to dance with the devil? Bet's $100.
I'm out.
Me too.
I think you're bluffing And my emergency Ben Franklin Says you got nothin'.
Full house.
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick! Oh, God! Well, it's gettin' kind of late.
I'll walk back with you.
Hey, hey, hey sit down.
Let's play some cards.
Here's the deli.
Now, um, pick a number.
Uh16.
No, sir, from here.
Oh, sorry.
What can I get you? I'd like some roast beef, please.
How much? E-enough for a whole week I'll take 25 pounds.
He'll take one pound cut extra lean, and a pound of smoked Turkey.
I'm impressed.
You're a natural at helping.
You really think so? Yeah, of course.
Let's hit the frozen-food section.
Great! I'm starting to get the hang of this.
Mini cheese pocket? Oh, yes, thank you.
It's after 10:00.
Where's Charlie? He's probably out buying a new wardrobe with all the money he took from me.
$100? Lord knows what he's doing with the rest of it.
What are you doing? Organizing the mayor's vitamins.
I want to make sure he gets enough "c" since it's flu-and-cold season.
Oh, and look at this cute scarf I got him.
Looks like someone's getting in touch with their nurturing side.
What? My sister went through the same thing.
She bought a hamster she started knitting it little outfits and purses, and then it got weird.
Caitlin, I need your help.
What can I do? I've decided that being self-sufficient is both stupid and dangerous, so I need you to help me find a new housekeeper.
Aren't I doing a good job? You're doing great.
I just need someone full time.
Fine.
Whatever.
Oh, that's a nice scarf.
This for me? No! It's Angie's.
But it says "the mayor.
" Well, that's her nickname.
Well, this is gonna be confusing.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Morning, sir.
Morning.
We missed you at poker last night.
I think we should come up with a different activity besides poker 'cause of Charlie's problem.
What problem? He has a terrible history with gambling.
Thank God it's all behind him.
Nice goin', Paul! Poker night was your idea! Hey guys! There's no problem.
It was just one harmless, little game of poker, so let's not point fingers.
Angie get me 2 cups of coffee, today's racing form, and the point spread on tonight's ucla game.
Nice going, Paul! I was just at the meeting Charlie never showed up.
He's in trouble, and it's all our fault.
He's in trouble?! I just lost 100 bucks, and it's renewal time for my magazine subscriptions.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Charlie.
We wanted to apologize for last night.
We didn't know about your history with gambling.
I think the best way to rectify the situation is if everybody returns their winnings.
We're even.
Guys, I appreciate your concern, but there's no problem here.
There's a Eddie on the phone he says Philly covered.
He's from the deli.
He got the Philly cream cheese to cover the entire bagel.
Eddie, I want to put in my lunch order I love your buffalo wings, and your Boston clam chowder's been on a roll, so give me Boston, and for dessert, I'll take the Knicks.
Wow, it's even worse than I thought.
I know! Not only is he a gambler he's a binge eater! We've interviewed and you've turned them all down.
Sir, none of those applicants were qualified.
Well, we have to hire someone, and if that means I have to settle for the "former Butler to the prime minister of France," then so be it.
Hi, I'm Edith connelly.
I'm here to interview for the housekeeper position.
Come in, Ms.
connelly.
Sit down.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, my previous position was with a very prominent English barrister.
Isn't "barrister" just a fancy way of saying "lawyer"? I suppose so.
Pompous.
I managed all of his household affairs for 20 years.
Unfortunately, I had to leave to take care of my ailing mother.
Quitter.
Well, I think we've covered everything.
Thank you for coming in.
It was a pleasure meeting both of you.
What a bitch! I can hear Charlie in there.
Now, let's go confront him about his gambling problem.
Paul, what's in there? A Bible and some holy water.
This is an intervention, not an exorcism.
If you're at a loss, refer to these cards.
The way we announce ourselves is critical.
I'm gonna say, "Charlie, it's Carter, Stuart, and Paul, and we need to talk.
" Wait that's confusing.
It sounds like w need to talk.
Why would we stand outside his door and talk to each other? We're doing that now.
Getting on the other side of that door is not gonna be easy.
It's going to require all of my guile, cunning, and intellect.
You guys want to come in? Bingo! Charlie, we need to speak with you about your gambling problem.
Gambling is just a hobby.
I find it relaxing.
Lemieux shoots! He scores! Son of a you call yourself a goalie?! You fat bastard! This is an intervention places, everyone! Don't you guys have anything better to do? Stuart, I thought you had Knicks tickets.
I'd rather be here.
Besides, the Lakers are gonna kill 'em.
You're on.
I'll take a piece guys! Focus! Step one Paul, tell Charlie how much you care about him.
Charlie, no matter what happens, I want you to know to "add ground beef, cover, and simmer.
" Damn! That's my chili recipe! Guys, I know you mean well, but I'm fine.
So if you would just calm down, jagr's about to score.
Man: He shoots! He scores! You're killing me, you mullet-headed Czech! Stuart, step two.
Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?! Wake up! You've got a problem! That's step three, you idiot! Don't you call me an idiot! You have no idea! Stop it! Stop it! This is one lame intervention.
Stop it! Mr.
mayor.
Mr.
mayor.
I've always had a knack for reading people, and I have a feeling there's something going on with you.
I'm fine.
Okay, just checking.
Wait! You're right.
I overreacted about you hiring that housekeeper because I was really enjoying taking care of someone.
Lately, I've been so focused on my career and myself that helping you reminded me of what I was missing.
I think I understand.
Since my divorce, and my daughter's all grown up, I often feel a void.
But it comforts me to think that I help take care of each and every one of the citizens of this city.
Mr.
mayor, my daughter has always wanted to meet you.
Not now.
You make $10 million a year! How can you miss a free throw? Tell me about it it's like the time I lost a bundle on that basketball game.
You bet against the globetrotters.
Can you two wait outside? I need to talk to Charlie.
Look, I know this hasn't been a perfect intervention.
Hey, it's been great, especially when Paul doused me with holy water.
Hello? They lost? Aw, damn it! All right, roll it over on fsu.
Aw, come on! You know I'm good for it.
Where am I gonna get that kind of cash tonight? I'll be over with the money in an hour.
Charlie, you don't want to do this.
I just have to get even.
Florida state is a lock! You said the same thing about the red wings and Michigan state.
No, no those were sure things.
This is a lock.
All I have to do is parlay both college dogs in the front bracket and round-Robin a 3-team, When you put it that way, I feel like such a fool.
Charlie So far, all you've lost is money.
Don't let it go any further.
I've gotta go with Carter on this one.
You've got too much to lose.
Who are you to lecture me? Your friend.
Friends make things more fun.
When you're around, things get less fun.
I gotta go with Charlie on this one.
You can be a real downer.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You don't have the guts to gamble.
You'll never know what a rush it is.
That ball represents how far you've come in 6 months.
Now you want to throw it all away? I don't have time for this crap.
I am burning these index cards Except for the chili recipe that does sound delicious.
Now do me a favor and back off! If you want to sell that baseball, I won't stand in your way.
Good.
Aha! Paul! Paul! Do something! Um, uh, uh the power of Christ compels you! I can't believe Charlie I go to great lengths, put together a professional intervention, and he doesn't even stay for the grand finale.
We're all sorry we missed out on the "I believe I can fly" singalong.
I wouldn't expect you to understand the healing power of song.
What do you want to do? Do we keep the pressure on? Let's give him some space.
Let's just remain upbeat.
Good morning.
I don't see what's so good about it.
Did you go to the pawn shop? Yes, I did.
Guess what that ball isn't worth $15,000 after all.
It's worth $20,000.
Great! You were able to tease your boxes, double down your dogs, get papa a new pair of shoes.
At the end of the day, all that ball meant to you was money? I never asked for that ball.
I never wanted that attention.
You did a good job, and the mayor rewarded you.
Why is that a problem? When people's expectations get too high, all you'll do is disappoint them.
Believe me, I know! That's why I'm not living my life for you, the mayor, or anybody else.
If I want to gamble, I'm gonna gamble.
And you know what? I don't want to gamble.
You didn't sell it.
What happened? When I got to the pawn shop, I reached into my pocket for the ball, and I pulled out your stupid index cards.
I see tips on possible restraining techniques, lyrics to "I believe I can fly.
" How weak is that? Told ya.
Then I came to this one a list of the things you guys appreciate about me things like my "determination," my "friendship," my "fine physique" that one was mine.
Carter made us write 10! But "physique" was your number 2! It really meant a lot to me.
I've never been around people who look out for me the way you guys do.
And then it hit me I like my life now.
I don't want to mess it up.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that you don't need to say anything, Charlie.
Come here.
I would rather have said something.
Come on, Charlie, it's all up to you.
You're holding up the game, Charlie.
Come on, Charlie we haven't got all night.
Go fish.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.