That '70s Show s05e13 Episode Script

Okay, Fez, now remember.
The bra wants to come off.
It can't be forced.
It has to be coaxed.
And go.
And they are out! Eight seconds! That's a new foreign exchange student record! - And I think she liked it.
- Okay.
That was good, but remember, the real girl will have a head and, hopefully, arms.
Hey, guys! Have I got a surprise for me.
Annette! ( Chuckles ) Yeah.
Annette came all the way from California to visit me because we're in love.
Yeah, since Hyde stole my old girlfriend-That's him.
Then I remembered Annette, and, well, I gave her a call.
One thing led to anoth- Well, hello there.
So, Annette, when you get bored with this one I can take off a bra in eight seconds.
Well, maybe more if you fight me.
All right.
Back off, Fez.
What me and Annette have is real.
Which is amazing because I even told him that I used to be flat-chested and have a different nose.
Yeah, and I figured she looks okay now, so what the hell? So, anyway.
Annette, you'll be staying with Donna.
Um, what? No, no.
It'll be fun.
It'll be like having a giant Barbie to play with.
Yeah.
I mean, come on, Donna.
You guys were great friends in California.
Friends? The most I ever said to her was ''Yeah, those probably do hurt when they're sunburned.
'' Well, I need someplace to stash her.
Yeah, I got a footlocker in my room.
Please, Donna.
I already had to take a shower at Michael's house and one of his brothers took a picture of me.
Kelso, I thought all your brothers were out of the house.
Uh must've been a burglar.
( Rock Group Singing ) ( Ends ) ( Man Shouts Greeting ) So, that's the tramp Michael fooled around with in California.
The nerve of him bringing her into The Hub.
I mean, people eat here.
Hey, will you stop talking about how jealous you are of Kelso's new chick? Oh, I am not jealous but I would like to point out that the sign on the door says, ''No dogs allowed.
'' Donna, can we go to your house? I have to change into my afternoon outfit- gauchos and clogs.
Bravo.
Um, you have an afternoon outfit? Of course she does.
You can maybe use a little freshening up too, Big D.
- Eric, do you mind? - I'm on it.
Ow! - Donna! - Why don't I meet you guys by the car? Come on, Michael.
While we're waiting, I'll let you smell my hair.
Yeah, well, I just got these fries.
Fine.
Then I'll go flirt with the gas-station guy.
Fine! God.
How hot was that? Wow.
You know when you have a dirty dream? Well, Annette is the girl who's always in it.
Oh, she should be ashamed of what she has done to me.
I don't know.
I didn't mind her in California but now that she's got her hooks in Kelso, something's different.
Yeah.
Something evil.
I just can't put my finger on it.
Michael, I'm waiting! I was getting you a SuperBall.
Damn! I told you, I don't like presents that bounce.
Did you hear that? The shrill voice.
The bossy tone.
The random hatred of all things that bounce.
Oh, my God.
She's Jackie.
- A new Jackie.
- A blondeJackie.
( Together) ''Blackie.
'' We are doomed.
Well, I can't spend the night alone with that.
Jackie, you have to sleep in my house.
Ooh! Good idea.
Put both Jackies in the same room.
Toss some lipstick in the middle watch 'em tear each other to shreds.
No.
No, no.
I don't wanna sleep over.
- Well, I don't like her.
- Come on.
We'll do, like, girlie things.
It'll be like a pajama party with makeovers.
Donna, I'm not interested in stupid girlie things.
- Look, I'm not shallow anymore.
- ( Coughing ) Don't do that when I'm eating.
Jackie, come on.
You'll have all night to chip away at her self-esteem.
We can whisper about her and when she asks us what we were talking about we can giggle and say, ''Nothing.
'' Oh, wait.
I've done that to you.
That's where I got it.
Okay.
Okay.
Here's what I think would teach her a good lesson.
Dress her up like a Swiss mountain girl, us fellas will come over make a couple of daiquiris, get a little tipsy, see what happens.
What? Okay.
That's not a very good punishment.
We should spank her too.
- I don't hear any kids.
- They're at The Hub.
So, we have the house to ourselves.
Interesting.
( Doorbell Rings ) Don't open it.
I'll throw in a foot massage.
It could be The Franklin Mint.
I ordered those Gone With the Wind plates.
Mom, Daddy.
I told you not to open it.
- What are you doing here? - We just thought we'd drop by.
You came all the way from Phoenix just to drop by.
Oh! So you're lost and you need directions back home.
That's no problem.
Go south until you see cactus.
If you hit a guy with a sombrero, you've gone too far.
Okay.
Okay.
- Why are you really here? - Well, we had a reversal of fortune.
- Tell them what happened.
- I bought an ostrich farm.
Tell them what else happened.
It was next to a coyote farm.
Great story.
See you at Christmas.
He lost all our money.
We had to sell the house in Phoenix, which is why we're here.
An ostrich farm, Burt? Who the hell wants to eat an ostrich? Coyotes, apparently.
You see what I live with? Well, I'm sure Daddy was just doing what he thought was best.
- You could show him some sympathy.
- Him? What about me? ( Sighs ) It's always difficult for the beautiful women.
You never understood that, Kitty.
Jackie's acting really strange, man.
I think she doesn't like Kelso having a new chick.
No.
Jackie's acting strange, becauseJackie hates Annette becauseJackie and Annette are the same person.
And that's scary, 'cause there can only be one devil, one Hitler, one Darth Vader.
That's not it.
Something's going on, and I don't like it.
Like, you think, maybe she still has feelings for Kelso? I don't know, but it's bad, man.
I got the same feeling I get right before I shoplift something.
Oh, it's an old story.
Orphan boy falls for rich girl.
Doofus shows up with whore.
Rich girl goes back to doofus.
Fez consoles whore, sexually.
And orphan boy ends up alone, slowly going blind from self-abuse.
Too far? I had a feeling it was too far.
What are you guys doin' sitting here when the girls are having a pajama party right next door? Oh, I can just imagine what's going on over there.
No, no, Fez.
I got this one.
I know.
Let's have a pillow fight- Even though it's hard to do when I'm encumbered by all these clothes.
Jackie! Take off my nightie.
Not yet.
I wanna practice kissing.
Just kissing? Or can we rub up against each other too? Well, Annette, you can't have one without the other.
( All ) Yea! Yea.
You know, it occurs to me that you can see right into Donna's house from my driveway.
You don't say? I'm gonna go get some CrackerJacks.
( Scoffs ) She's so cheap, she could be the prize in the CrackerJacks.
Wow.
You're jealous.
I am not jealous.
I just wanna pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room.
Look, here's the thing,Jackie.
Kelso likes bossy, vain, shallow princess types and since you're no longer available, he shipped one in from out West.
He's not supposed to replace me.
He's supposed to sit around and pine for me.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Oh, my God! It is always about food with you.
It's like you're not even listening.
Okay.
New rule for slumber parties: Annette wears a robe.
No, Annette, not the robe.
Quick.
Somebody yell, ''Pillow fight,'' in a girl voice.
- Forman, that's your cue.
- What are you boys lookin' at? - We're just testin' out the crates.
- For charity.
Right.
But now that we're done, let's head inside, gang.
- You coming? - No, I told your grandmother I was comin' outside for a cigarette.
- Grandpa, you smoke? - Nope.
So, um- So- So did you guys hear about that woman who might be the first female member of the Supreme Court? No.
I did hear the Dallas Cowboys might hire their first redheaded cheerleader.
Ew! That's exactly what I said.
( Gasps ) Uh-oh.
Redhead in the room.
- ( Whispering ) - ( Giggling ) - What are you guys talking about? - ( Together) Nothing.
- Burt! Burtikins! - ( TV:Sports Crowd Cheering ) ( Shouts ) Burt! Eric, would you please go find your grandfather before my head explodes.
You are all such nice boys.
I have a quarter for each one of you.
( All ) Thanks, Grandma B.
- Someone call an ambulance.
- What's wrong? Grandpa's on the ground.
He's not moving.
They got ice cream in the cafeteria! Ice cream? Kelso, my grandpa's in intensive care.
Yeah, but I told 'em it was my grandfather so I got the ice cream for free.
- Put it down.
- Fine but when my burrito's ready, I'm eatin' it.
Why does everybody go everywhere with us? Look at all these damn kids.
I feel like a Mormon.
Man.
I feel like we should know something by now.
That is the third coffee break that doctor's had.
Hey, buddy! Quit the coffee, fix the sickies, all right? Hey, who took my ice cream? Oh, sure.
It's always the foreign guy.
Fez, you're holding the spoon.
Oh, sure.
It's always the foreign guy with the spoon.
Kitty, how's Burt? Well I don't know how to say this.
Daddy's gone to a better place.
Good.
'Cause this hospital sucks.
What? Oh.
( Whispers ) This hospital sucks.
Mrs.
Forman, I'm so sorry for your loss.
The service was lovely.
Aw, geez.
Aw, geez.
- Aw- - We got it, Bob.
Mom, how you doin'? - Oh, I'm fine.
- Mom.
Your husband, my father, is gone.
You're not fine.
You're right.
I think I chipped a tooth on your manicotti.
When I die, get a caterer.
Hey, man.
Sorry about your grandpa.
I didn't know him, but there's a Carly Simon song that always cheers me up.
- ( Clears Throat ) - No, you don't- ( Singing Ballad ) - Oh, that's great.
- ( Ends ) What do I do? Do I clap? I'm just gonna walk away.
That was awesome.
Do you know ''Devil Went Down To Georgia''? No, Michael.
She's got better things to do.
Hey, come on! Let's go try on people's coats.
So, the rich girl goes off with the whore.
That's a happy ending.
Put it on ice and you got yourself a show.
Yeah, soJackie and Annette are friends now? I guess I don't have anything to worry about.
Never count Kelso out.
He's got a way about him.
You know, when he talks to you, it's like you're the only one in the room.
You're, like, half in love with him, aren't you? Hey, Eric.
I brought you half a beer.
Well, it's mixed with half a Coke, 'cause Red caught me.
- So, are you okay? - Yeah.
I guess.
- Hey, thanks for coming.
- I'm really sorry about your grandfather.
I mean, right in your own driveway.
What was he doing out there anyway? He caught us spying on your slumber party.
You were spying on us? Eric! We- Okay.
If anyone should be mad, it should be us because, lady, you do not know how to throw a slumber party.
Flannel pajamas? What are you, a hundred? You need a nightie? I'll buy you a nightie.
So, am I allowed to drink around you guys yet? Eric, put that back.
That's your mother's emergency wine.
So, um, Mom, you haven't said much.
Are you holding it in? 'Cause it's okay to let it out.
We're family.
If anybody needs to let anything out, I'd be happy to leave.
It's just so typical of Burt to make everyone come up from Phoenix in the middle of winter.
He never thought about anybody but himself and those damned ostriches.
Did you hear that? That is not grieving.
Okay, Kitty.
Calm down.
It's not as bad as you think.
Maybe you're just having a hot flash.
Oh! Dad, no.
Eric I need you to get to the wine.
Father's thoughtless.
I'll tell her who's thoughtless.
What is it? I, um,just wanted to see if you wanted another blanket.
Yes.
That would be very nice.
Thank you.
Hey, Mom.
Dad wanted me to give you this.
Donna, great news.
I'm not jealous of Annette.
I thought I was, and I was afraid that I might still have feelings for Michael.
But I got to know her and now I really like her.
( Sighs ) That is such a relief because, you know what with Burt dying, I was worried about you.
- Yeah, me too.
- That was sarcasm.
Well, whatever it was, it was very thoughtful.
It is such a relief knowing I don't have feelings for Michael.
Get off my boyfriend! Oh, yeah! I don't know why she's so upset.
I was barely touching you.
Okay.
This one's for Burt.
And a-one and a-two and a- - ( Organ ) - ( Singing Spiritual ) Bring it home, brother! - ( Ends ) - ( Organ Clicks Off) Night-night.