The Goldbergs s05e13 Episode Script
The Hooters
1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, wood-shop class.
Back in the '80s, this sawdust-covered danger zone was a place where students handled heavy-duty machinery no kid should ever touch.
Whoa! That almost hit me, dude! I know! I should not be around this equipment! No matter what school you went to, all shop teachers were cut from the same piece of wood.
Ours was Mr.
Crosby.
And remember safety first.
There's no room for tomfoolery, shenanigans, or joyful horseplay in this class.
And why is that? ALL: We'll cut off our finger.
And why do we always measure twice? ALL: We'll cut off our finger.
And how do we know this to be true? ALL: You cut off your finger.
That's right.
I cut off my finger.
And this one! This one they sewed back on, but it doesn't work right.
Finger rejected the host.
Yep, wood shop was grueling and difficult and only came naturally to the select few.
Check it, Mom.
I made a spice rack.
Oh, my God, I was literally just saying this is exactly what I need.
Whoo-hoo! Look at you, saving us money! We can put spices in that.
Me, on the other hand Hey, Mom, look what I made.
It's a doorstop or a bookend.
Oh, look.
Murray, Adam made a thing.
Hoo-hoo! Look at you, saving money on firewood! That's what it is.
A starter log.
I feel good about this.
Yeah, I guess you could say I didn't nail wood shop.
So instead, I used the class to hone my comedic skills.
All right.
This is a butt joint.
See here? You line up the studs, and then you pound that butt joint until it locks in tight.
Questions? I got a question.
What's the best thing to use to wipe your butt joint? [LAUGHTER.]
He took something wholesome, like a butt joint, and made it hilarious! Since we're all in the mood to have a laugh, why don't you show the class your midterm project? You've got it, sir.
I call it "Really Big Jenga"! [LAUGHTER.]
That's just a bunch of 2x4s you sawed in half and stacked up.
You didn't even sand them.
Geez, if it's such a big deal, I'll use this thingy to sand the wood, and then we can play.
Nobody's playing Really Big Jenga, Mr.
Hardeeharhar! Give me that wood.
- Ohh! - Balls! Unh! Whoa! [CLATTER.]
Jenga.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was January 17, 1980-something, and my sister was going through a true freshman rite of passage becoming a pretentious snob.
God, it all has to go, Erica.
Poison, Madonna, New Kids? How did I ever buy into all of this top-40, MTV garbage? I'm actually embarrassed by who we were before we took Music Deconstruction 101 with Professor Chang-Silverstein.
That class has, like, opened my eyes.
No, like, my ears.
No, like, my mind.
Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because I asked Geoff to get us tickets to the Avant Garde Music Festival of New York City.
Stop, we are actually going to see Philip Glass and the Tibetan Throat Singers live? Plus, there's a rumor that Yoko Ono is gonna scream onstage for a whole hour! I'm gonna scream from the audience for a whole hour! I can't believe that our lame-ass R.
A.
called us "poser freshmen who are going through a pretentious phase.
" These personas we just discovered, like, last week are, like, who we are and are gonna be for the rest of our lives.
Exactly.
I'll never return to who I was.
Oh! My baby's back! Whoa, how long were you standing there waiting? So long.
Come right in.
Would anyone like to sample a flight of Hamburger Helpers? Oh, we're not doing processed foods anymore, and especially not the kind that have a spokesglove.
What's, like, the raddest sushi place you have in Jenkintown? You like fish? Uh, well, we have a Long John Silver's.
No! Wait! [CHUCKLES.]
I've got Tuna Helper right here.
Geoff, crack open a can.
Hey, Erica, it's me, your boyfriend, Geoff.
Oh, he's plating it all wrong.
I said "two heaping scoops," Geoff.
Two! Hey, babe, you get the tickets? You know it.
The Hooters, third row.
Okay, why would we go see The Hooters? Um, because it's our hometown's favorite band and, also, you're, like, the hugest fan ever.
Geoff, I specifically left a message for you to get tickets for the Avant Garde Festival.
Right, and I didn't understand what that was, so I ignored it and got third-row center.
I cannot miss this festival, okay? Yoko Ono is finally gonna free herself from the shadow of her husband's bubblegum band.
You mean the Beatles? You know what? It's fine.
I'll just do my own thing, and you can take Barry to go see the Hooters.
At least let me buy you girls dessert.
Oh, there's a new wudder-ice place.
Oh, man! Their wudder ice is amazing! Okay.
What are you people talking about? - Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.
- What's "wudder"? They're trying to say "water ice.
" It's a local dessert.
Ew.
Your food and words are gross.
I say we drive straight until we find some culture.
The Hooters.
[CHUCKLES.]
Did my daughter just say "water," like she's from Delaware? - I think she did.
- Ugh.
College was a mistake.
Huge.
Thank you for coming down here, Mr.
Goldberg.
It seems there's been a serious mishap with some machinery.
Damn right.
Why do you always wear a tie in shop class, anyway? It literally can get caught in everything.
I dress nice for the wood because I honor the wood.
I expect the same from my students.
I get the boy can be a bit of a smartass, but it's just wood.
I don't know why you got to honor it.
- I'll tell you why, sir.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I lived in a suspended bamboo cage for three years.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Oh, boy.
Uh, Derek, while we all thank you for your service, I don't think we need to hear It was a simple design, but sturdy as hell.
Naturally, I tried to saw through it with a crude tool I had fashioned from my hair and some toenails.
Could we just stay on course But as time wore on, the jungle madness took me.
I tried to summon a monkey army to free me from my elegant fortress.
Okay, just speed through to the end.
I soon realized that I needed to forgive the wood that encaged me.
Just, uh [WHISTLES.]
And when a monsoon swept my captors into a river, that cage became a raft to freedom.
And so, I have dedicated my life to the art of woodworking.
Okey-dokey.
I'm thinking maybe a week of detention should do the trick.
- No.
You're grounded for a month, too.
- What?! You got to get serious with your schoolwork.
Because in the future, jokes can't pay the bills.
Oh, yes, they can.
Ask Sinbad.
I'm going to stop this.
Could we just agree no more goofing around in shop class? And you will personally apologize to the wood.
[WHISPERING.]
You don't have to do that.
As my dad was rejecting my comedy, Geoff was finding out Erica had rejected our hometown.
Geoff? I thought you ended up going to the concert.
No.
Erica's doing her own thing which is great.
I totally get it.
Even though it's hurtful and I don't get it at all.
Don't worry.
Our girl's just going through a little phase.
Is she? 'Cause it kinda feels like Erica's outgrown The Hooters and cooked fish and attractive clothing and Philly's own wudder ice.
- She kinda - Kinda what? Say it.
I can't say it.
- Say it, Geoff.
- I don't wanna say it.
If you don't say it, I'll say it.
- No, don't say it.
- Then say it.
Erica is a giant [Bleep.]
.
- Whoa! - What were you gonna say?! That college has made her snobby and pretentious.
- That's what I meant! - Well, that's not what you said.
Oh, no! I'm so upset! You made me say it! Now I feel horrible! Pull it together, Geoff! If we don't do something, Erica's gonna leave Jenkintown behind to experience the world and become an interesting person! - But how do we stop it? - You can't stop it.
Your only choice is to become it.
Barry, no.
That brie wheel is for an entire party.
I can now handle the richest of party cheeses since I've become accustomed to how the other half lives.
Now, pardon me, and prepare to be amazed, as I drink this water.
- [GASPS.]
- He said it right.
How, Barry? Turns out, Barry had been obsessively studying the ways of the wealthy, thanks to one iconic '80s TV show.
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"? Thanks to Robin Leach, I now know everything there is about class and wealth.
I study all the episodes to prepare myself.
For what? For when I'll be the Sixers star player and team doctor, which means, if I get injured, I'll be able to perform surgery on myself.
- I believe in you, cocoa tush! - So, you really think that Erica's like these fancy people on this show? She's seeing Yoko Ono being weird and artsy.
She's fancy, all right.
Turn us into horrible rich people, Barry.
- I'm in, too.
- Yay, no other options.
While my mom and Geoff were trying to break into the upper class, I was just trying to break out of my room.
Why are you doing out of your room?! You're grounded for being a moron! I can't be in that room anymore, man.
It's like a prison with all my toys and video games.
That's what you get for telling bad jokes instead of getting good grades.
It's not like I'm gonna use anything I've learned in shop class or math or science or history.
Sex Ed cleared up some rumors, but that's it.
Why do you only show interest in the most ridiculous careers that no Goldberg has ever succeeded in? Ridiculous? Give me one example.
Movie directing.
Puppeteer.
Animation.
Foley artist.
Arcade hustler.
Sci-fi cartoonist.
Stage combat instructor.
Stunt man.
And to top it all off, now you want to include "comedy guy"? Damn right.
Laughter's a real profession, and I'm all in.
In what? This house when you're 30? I see you have your doubts, so how about this? If I make you laugh right now, then you'll have to fully embrace my destiny as a professional funny man.
And what happens when I don't laugh? Because I won't.
You can ground me for the whole year.
This is a bad deal for you.
Oh, you're on.
Or as Hans and Franz would say [GERMAN ACCENT.]
"I'm gonna pump you up.
" Don't do this deal.
I don't want you hanging around this house for a whole year.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't worry.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Or as James Brown would say [AS JAMES BROWN.]
"So hot!" In the hot tub! Mnh! Yow! Too hot in the hot tub! This is why it's dangerous to believe in yourself.
And with that, I gave him every comedic weapon I had in my arsenal.
I started with some Pee Wee.
[AS PEE WEE HERMAN.]
I know you are, but what am I? - Heh heh heh! - I did some classic movies [NORMAL VOICE.]
I'll have what she's having.
- impressions - Ooh! I found out I'm color blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple! - Ooh-hoo! - wacky wordplay We have clearance, Clarence.
Roger, Roger.
What's our vector, Victor? - prop comedy - [COCONUTS CLACKING.]
Where did you get that coconut? They're out of season.
- even puppetry! - High five? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I can't! My mouth will break! [NORMAL VOICE.]
This guy [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
S'alright.
Why did you make that deal? Why? [NORMAL VOICE.]
'Cause I'm a funny boy, and I'm gonna be a funny big boy who makes money from it.
That's truly the first humorous thing that you've said this whole conversation.
The problem isn't me.
It's my joyless grump of a dad who has no sense of humor.
Enough with the comedy, moron! You're gonna get a regular job like everybody else! - Like what? - Eh, I don't know.
A police officer, a doctor, a-a construction worker, an Indian chief.
You're just listing the Village People! You have more chance of being in a disco supergroup than you do from making money telling jokes.
We'll see about that.
- Aah! - Too forced.
- Didn't buy it.
- I can do that again.
My mom and Geoff would do whatever it took to get Erica back, even if it meant listening to - this fancy lad.
- Ahoy, and welcome aboard on our journey to riches and fame-awcity.
Oh, I bet the letters stand for stuff.
Oh, yes.
It's called a mammogram.
And we start with C, for clothes, From now on, you'll only wear the finest fabric known to man velvet, silk, all the leathers.
Okay, I guess we could hit Filene's Basement, see if there's anything in the bargain bin.
Never! You now only shop upstairs at Filene's, where they have fancy windows and you pay full price.
Full price? Can that even be done? Oh, it could.
Next was L, for Laughter.
- [GUFFAWING.]
- The kind of condescending cackle only reserved for rich folks who know they're better than you.
[GUFFAWING CONTINUES.]
Wow, yeah.
That was incredibly dismissive and hurtful.
Then came A, for Accents, which means you sound sophisticated, and from anywhere but Philly.
Now tell me what's in this glass! Don't think! Go! Water! Ooh, my God! I'm learning! And last, the double S, which stood for Snooty Sauce.
All you had to do was learn how to ask for it.
- Pardon me, have you got any Grey Poupon? - Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? - No! - BOTH: Pardon me BOTH: do you have any Grey Poupon? - No.
- BOTH: Pardon me.
Do you have any Grey Poupon? Oh, yes.
Your lesson in "class" is complete.
Now, go out there and make the world a worse place.
Look out, high society, a mom and her daughter's boyfriend are going to New York! Yeah, is it weird that we've been hanging out? A little.
While Geoff and my mom were classing up, I was discovering my dad was down to laugh.
- Hee! Hee-hee! - What was that? - What was what? - You're actually laughing! At "227"? What is happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
Big Tasty's getting a taste of the high life.
Please, I'm in the middle of a very important discovery right now.
Do not butt in with your insanity.
You know what's insane? This delicious jar of caviar.
How the hell are you paying for caviar? No! This is not about him right now! I cashed in one of Nana's bonds to get a little taste of Beverly Hills.
[MUFFLED.]
Oh, no! It's so salty! They're fish eggs, you moron.
Fish lay eggs?! - [LAUGHS.]
- It's stuck under my tongue! - I need milk! - That one never disappoints! Holy balls! First you laugh at Jackée, then at Barry?! You literally laugh at everyone but me! Hee-hee-hoo! Wait.
I did it? Did I do it? [LAUGHS.]
This show's hilarious! They never leave the stoop! [CHUCKLES.]
My world was rocked.
For the first time, nothing was funny.
Now, I want everyone to look at my stool.
This is a very loose stool.
[RATTLING.]
See? I know it's just a stool sample, but it's a real mess.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Thanks to my dad, my dream of comedy died.
Meanwhile, Erica's avant-garde music adventure had just begun.
It feels so liberating to be here with, like, like-minded people, ya know? Absolutely.
I just can't wait to sit down and Holy crap! Geoff and my mom are here! [GASPS.]
Fancy seeing you here.
[CHUCKLES.]
- So fancy.
- Indeed! Okay, why are you here and talking like that and dressed like the cast of "Dynasty"? What, you mean these old new full-priced rags from the real Filenes Above Ground? Hmm.
We stopped there on the way here.
Pocket square? No, I don't want a pocket square, Geoff! Again, why are you here? Yeah.
Are you guys, like, on a date? On a date with culture.
I'm most excited for M'buku O'Shaughnessy and the Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.
I read about this little musical powwow in The New Yorker.
No, you didn't.
I literally told you I was coming here.
Did you, now? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
What is that? Why are you doing that? - BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Stop ho-ho'ing.
You sound like douchey Santas.
- BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Why are you doing it? It seems like what you do.
Oh-ho! Okay, I don't know what you two are doing, but you need to go.
We're just trying to like what you like, 'cause, you know, you're a big snooty jerk now.
So, I'm not allowed to go away to college and change and grow, like a normal person? Look, of course we want you to learn and grow.
We just don't want you to grow away from us.
Well, none of this is helping your case.
Now please leave.
Fine.
Maybe I'll see you back at home.
I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but they're actually kind of cute together.
Thanks for coming.
Mr.
Crosby here insisted we do this in person.
There was another incident in shop class today.
Sounds like we could have covered this in a phone call, but I'm here, so go for it.
I was demonstrating how to perform a mitre cut.
When I bent down to retrieve some lumber, I split my pants clean down the middle.
Having lost my balance, I reached out for the nearest item to steady myself, which, unfortunately, was an active band saw.
Now, while the blade did not connect with any fingers, it did shear off one millimeter of this pinkie nub.
Thinking fast, I ripped my already split pants wide open and used the fabric as a tourniquet.
Now bottomless and afraid, I Donald Ducked about the room in search of ice.
Thankfully, I had confiscated a Slurpee from a student, so I plunged my hand directly into the beverage to numb the pain.
As you can imagine, I slipped on the mess, toppling directly into my star student Jonathan Atkins.
His body was pinned under mine, rendering him immobile, which was problematic, as I had completely thrown out my back upon impact.
The students howled with laughter.
Once my shoulder dislocated, I was able to free myself and shimmy towards the door.
That's when my trick knee gave out, and I rolled right into the belt sander, which toppled directly onto my groin.
Upon impact, I farted real bad and real loud.
- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Really? There? Yeah.
What does any of this have to do with Adam? Today, there was one student that did not laugh at my ballet of tragedy.
In fact, he was so composed, he turned off that belt sander moments before it plunged onto my genitals.
- Your son.
- Really? You must be very proud.
Stop right there.
- We need to talk.
- Why? You heard the guy I'm his star student.
He was Donald Ducking! If you don't laugh at a Donald Ducking, then we got a big problem big.
You're the one who told me I needed to focus on school to get a normal job.
That's what I'm doing.
I just wanted you to be a little more realistic.
You told me I'd never make it in any form of entertainment not even puppetry.
I think we both know there's no money in puppets.
That's not the point! I'm not good at sports or science or math or stupid woodworking! But making people laugh was the one thing I thought I could do.
- Adam - No, I get it now.
You were right.
All I'll ever be is just a Goldberg.
With my mom gone, Erica could finally enjoy her new, - sophisticated music - [GONG CRASHES.]
if you could call it that.
It says this piece is about Nixon.
That was my first thought.
It's so very haunting and painful.
True.
It's so painful.
I can feel the music banging in my head and rattling my teeth and gums.
[GONGS CRASHING.]
That's how you know it's good.
I really love how the bagpipes blend horribly with the gonging and the off-putting bird noises And I just can't do it! This is the worst! - Shh! - Quiet down.
This isn't the Hooters concert.
Yeah, 'cause God forbid we listen to some catchy tunes that you can sing and dance to.
God, when is this over? We have, like, three hours left.
Three hours? I ditched my boyfriend and awesome band for this avant garbage.
I got to go.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Have you seen a young man in a semi-silk jacket with an older lady who looks like a villain in a soap opera? You're literally describing everyone here.
[THE HOOTERS' "AND WE DANCED" PLAYS.]
They're gone.
Erica? Oh, thank God you're still here.
Why are you missing the show? The bagpipe solo's about to start.
Listen, I wanted to be more than just a girl from Jenkintown.
The truth is, I love my town, and all the things in it.
I live in Jenkintown.
Do you, now? [CHUCKLES.]
She's back.
- My normal, beautiful baby is back.
- Mom! No.
You can't take it back.
You said you love us.
I really do.
God help me.
Anyway, what do you say we head back to Philly and grab a wudder ice? Actually I have a better idea.
And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced We were liars in love, and we danced Swept away for a moment by chance That night, Erica learned that you don't have to give up where you're from in order to grow into the kind of person you always wanted to be.
And danced and danced - And danced, whoo - Hey.
I rented "Stripes.
" I know how you love that movie.
- Like a wave on the ocean, romanced - I'm not feeling it.
- We were liars in love - [SIGHS.]
Okay.
There's something you should know.
- Swept away for a moment by chance - You really are funny.
- Stop.
- No, it's the truth.
I just didn't want to encourage you.
So, you were just trying to scare me away from it all? I was, and I'm sorry.
Oh, wow.
Never heard you say "sorry" before.
Look, I always thought I'd be the kind of dad who would help guide you with your career.
But all those things that you love, they make me feel helpless.
- Why? - I sell furniture, Adam.
I don't know anything about movies or comedy or magic or puppets.
Point is, I don't get any of your crazy dreams.
I really don't.
But if that's what you really want, I'm in.
- Swept away for a moment by chance - That's - Thank you.
- And we danced Just thank you.
Yeah Hey, Dad? - And we danced - What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Here's a little tip don't ever do that joke in public.
Um, what do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! [DING!.]
Do any of you like impressions? [CROWD CHEERING.]
Damn.
I got to learn some impressions.
[DING!.]
Okay, I got you the fancy rich-people food you wanted, - but I-I just don't think - This is my new way of living.
Bring me my first course.
I present to you pâté.
[GASPS.]
Like a hamburger pat-tay?! Yes! No! Ugh! It's like meat, but it's smooth like peanut butter! Come on.
Let mama make you a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.
Yes! Let's cheese up some shrimps and pie up some chili!
Back in the '80s, this sawdust-covered danger zone was a place where students handled heavy-duty machinery no kid should ever touch.
Whoa! That almost hit me, dude! I know! I should not be around this equipment! No matter what school you went to, all shop teachers were cut from the same piece of wood.
Ours was Mr.
Crosby.
And remember safety first.
There's no room for tomfoolery, shenanigans, or joyful horseplay in this class.
And why is that? ALL: We'll cut off our finger.
And why do we always measure twice? ALL: We'll cut off our finger.
And how do we know this to be true? ALL: You cut off your finger.
That's right.
I cut off my finger.
And this one! This one they sewed back on, but it doesn't work right.
Finger rejected the host.
Yep, wood shop was grueling and difficult and only came naturally to the select few.
Check it, Mom.
I made a spice rack.
Oh, my God, I was literally just saying this is exactly what I need.
Whoo-hoo! Look at you, saving us money! We can put spices in that.
Me, on the other hand Hey, Mom, look what I made.
It's a doorstop or a bookend.
Oh, look.
Murray, Adam made a thing.
Hoo-hoo! Look at you, saving money on firewood! That's what it is.
A starter log.
I feel good about this.
Yeah, I guess you could say I didn't nail wood shop.
So instead, I used the class to hone my comedic skills.
All right.
This is a butt joint.
See here? You line up the studs, and then you pound that butt joint until it locks in tight.
Questions? I got a question.
What's the best thing to use to wipe your butt joint? [LAUGHTER.]
He took something wholesome, like a butt joint, and made it hilarious! Since we're all in the mood to have a laugh, why don't you show the class your midterm project? You've got it, sir.
I call it "Really Big Jenga"! [LAUGHTER.]
That's just a bunch of 2x4s you sawed in half and stacked up.
You didn't even sand them.
Geez, if it's such a big deal, I'll use this thingy to sand the wood, and then we can play.
Nobody's playing Really Big Jenga, Mr.
Hardeeharhar! Give me that wood.
- Ohh! - Balls! Unh! Whoa! [CLATTER.]
Jenga.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was January 17, 1980-something, and my sister was going through a true freshman rite of passage becoming a pretentious snob.
God, it all has to go, Erica.
Poison, Madonna, New Kids? How did I ever buy into all of this top-40, MTV garbage? I'm actually embarrassed by who we were before we took Music Deconstruction 101 with Professor Chang-Silverstein.
That class has, like, opened my eyes.
No, like, my ears.
No, like, my mind.
Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because I asked Geoff to get us tickets to the Avant Garde Music Festival of New York City.
Stop, we are actually going to see Philip Glass and the Tibetan Throat Singers live? Plus, there's a rumor that Yoko Ono is gonna scream onstage for a whole hour! I'm gonna scream from the audience for a whole hour! I can't believe that our lame-ass R.
A.
called us "poser freshmen who are going through a pretentious phase.
" These personas we just discovered, like, last week are, like, who we are and are gonna be for the rest of our lives.
Exactly.
I'll never return to who I was.
Oh! My baby's back! Whoa, how long were you standing there waiting? So long.
Come right in.
Would anyone like to sample a flight of Hamburger Helpers? Oh, we're not doing processed foods anymore, and especially not the kind that have a spokesglove.
What's, like, the raddest sushi place you have in Jenkintown? You like fish? Uh, well, we have a Long John Silver's.
No! Wait! [CHUCKLES.]
I've got Tuna Helper right here.
Geoff, crack open a can.
Hey, Erica, it's me, your boyfriend, Geoff.
Oh, he's plating it all wrong.
I said "two heaping scoops," Geoff.
Two! Hey, babe, you get the tickets? You know it.
The Hooters, third row.
Okay, why would we go see The Hooters? Um, because it's our hometown's favorite band and, also, you're, like, the hugest fan ever.
Geoff, I specifically left a message for you to get tickets for the Avant Garde Festival.
Right, and I didn't understand what that was, so I ignored it and got third-row center.
I cannot miss this festival, okay? Yoko Ono is finally gonna free herself from the shadow of her husband's bubblegum band.
You mean the Beatles? You know what? It's fine.
I'll just do my own thing, and you can take Barry to go see the Hooters.
At least let me buy you girls dessert.
Oh, there's a new wudder-ice place.
Oh, man! Their wudder ice is amazing! Okay.
What are you people talking about? - Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.
- What's "wudder"? They're trying to say "water ice.
" It's a local dessert.
Ew.
Your food and words are gross.
I say we drive straight until we find some culture.
The Hooters.
[CHUCKLES.]
Did my daughter just say "water," like she's from Delaware? - I think she did.
- Ugh.
College was a mistake.
Huge.
Thank you for coming down here, Mr.
Goldberg.
It seems there's been a serious mishap with some machinery.
Damn right.
Why do you always wear a tie in shop class, anyway? It literally can get caught in everything.
I dress nice for the wood because I honor the wood.
I expect the same from my students.
I get the boy can be a bit of a smartass, but it's just wood.
I don't know why you got to honor it.
- I'll tell you why, sir.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I lived in a suspended bamboo cage for three years.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Oh, boy.
Uh, Derek, while we all thank you for your service, I don't think we need to hear It was a simple design, but sturdy as hell.
Naturally, I tried to saw through it with a crude tool I had fashioned from my hair and some toenails.
Could we just stay on course But as time wore on, the jungle madness took me.
I tried to summon a monkey army to free me from my elegant fortress.
Okay, just speed through to the end.
I soon realized that I needed to forgive the wood that encaged me.
Just, uh [WHISTLES.]
And when a monsoon swept my captors into a river, that cage became a raft to freedom.
And so, I have dedicated my life to the art of woodworking.
Okey-dokey.
I'm thinking maybe a week of detention should do the trick.
- No.
You're grounded for a month, too.
- What?! You got to get serious with your schoolwork.
Because in the future, jokes can't pay the bills.
Oh, yes, they can.
Ask Sinbad.
I'm going to stop this.
Could we just agree no more goofing around in shop class? And you will personally apologize to the wood.
[WHISPERING.]
You don't have to do that.
As my dad was rejecting my comedy, Geoff was finding out Erica had rejected our hometown.
Geoff? I thought you ended up going to the concert.
No.
Erica's doing her own thing which is great.
I totally get it.
Even though it's hurtful and I don't get it at all.
Don't worry.
Our girl's just going through a little phase.
Is she? 'Cause it kinda feels like Erica's outgrown The Hooters and cooked fish and attractive clothing and Philly's own wudder ice.
- She kinda - Kinda what? Say it.
I can't say it.
- Say it, Geoff.
- I don't wanna say it.
If you don't say it, I'll say it.
- No, don't say it.
- Then say it.
Erica is a giant [Bleep.]
.
- Whoa! - What were you gonna say?! That college has made her snobby and pretentious.
- That's what I meant! - Well, that's not what you said.
Oh, no! I'm so upset! You made me say it! Now I feel horrible! Pull it together, Geoff! If we don't do something, Erica's gonna leave Jenkintown behind to experience the world and become an interesting person! - But how do we stop it? - You can't stop it.
Your only choice is to become it.
Barry, no.
That brie wheel is for an entire party.
I can now handle the richest of party cheeses since I've become accustomed to how the other half lives.
Now, pardon me, and prepare to be amazed, as I drink this water.
- [GASPS.]
- He said it right.
How, Barry? Turns out, Barry had been obsessively studying the ways of the wealthy, thanks to one iconic '80s TV show.
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"? Thanks to Robin Leach, I now know everything there is about class and wealth.
I study all the episodes to prepare myself.
For what? For when I'll be the Sixers star player and team doctor, which means, if I get injured, I'll be able to perform surgery on myself.
- I believe in you, cocoa tush! - So, you really think that Erica's like these fancy people on this show? She's seeing Yoko Ono being weird and artsy.
She's fancy, all right.
Turn us into horrible rich people, Barry.
- I'm in, too.
- Yay, no other options.
While my mom and Geoff were trying to break into the upper class, I was just trying to break out of my room.
Why are you doing out of your room?! You're grounded for being a moron! I can't be in that room anymore, man.
It's like a prison with all my toys and video games.
That's what you get for telling bad jokes instead of getting good grades.
It's not like I'm gonna use anything I've learned in shop class or math or science or history.
Sex Ed cleared up some rumors, but that's it.
Why do you only show interest in the most ridiculous careers that no Goldberg has ever succeeded in? Ridiculous? Give me one example.
Movie directing.
Puppeteer.
Animation.
Foley artist.
Arcade hustler.
Sci-fi cartoonist.
Stage combat instructor.
Stunt man.
And to top it all off, now you want to include "comedy guy"? Damn right.
Laughter's a real profession, and I'm all in.
In what? This house when you're 30? I see you have your doubts, so how about this? If I make you laugh right now, then you'll have to fully embrace my destiny as a professional funny man.
And what happens when I don't laugh? Because I won't.
You can ground me for the whole year.
This is a bad deal for you.
Oh, you're on.
Or as Hans and Franz would say [GERMAN ACCENT.]
"I'm gonna pump you up.
" Don't do this deal.
I don't want you hanging around this house for a whole year.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't worry.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Or as James Brown would say [AS JAMES BROWN.]
"So hot!" In the hot tub! Mnh! Yow! Too hot in the hot tub! This is why it's dangerous to believe in yourself.
And with that, I gave him every comedic weapon I had in my arsenal.
I started with some Pee Wee.
[AS PEE WEE HERMAN.]
I know you are, but what am I? - Heh heh heh! - I did some classic movies [NORMAL VOICE.]
I'll have what she's having.
- impressions - Ooh! I found out I'm color blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple! - Ooh-hoo! - wacky wordplay We have clearance, Clarence.
Roger, Roger.
What's our vector, Victor? - prop comedy - [COCONUTS CLACKING.]
Where did you get that coconut? They're out of season.
- even puppetry! - High five? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I can't! My mouth will break! [NORMAL VOICE.]
This guy [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
S'alright.
Why did you make that deal? Why? [NORMAL VOICE.]
'Cause I'm a funny boy, and I'm gonna be a funny big boy who makes money from it.
That's truly the first humorous thing that you've said this whole conversation.
The problem isn't me.
It's my joyless grump of a dad who has no sense of humor.
Enough with the comedy, moron! You're gonna get a regular job like everybody else! - Like what? - Eh, I don't know.
A police officer, a doctor, a-a construction worker, an Indian chief.
You're just listing the Village People! You have more chance of being in a disco supergroup than you do from making money telling jokes.
We'll see about that.
- Aah! - Too forced.
- Didn't buy it.
- I can do that again.
My mom and Geoff would do whatever it took to get Erica back, even if it meant listening to - this fancy lad.
- Ahoy, and welcome aboard on our journey to riches and fame-awcity.
Oh, I bet the letters stand for stuff.
Oh, yes.
It's called a mammogram.
And we start with C, for clothes, From now on, you'll only wear the finest fabric known to man velvet, silk, all the leathers.
Okay, I guess we could hit Filene's Basement, see if there's anything in the bargain bin.
Never! You now only shop upstairs at Filene's, where they have fancy windows and you pay full price.
Full price? Can that even be done? Oh, it could.
Next was L, for Laughter.
- [GUFFAWING.]
- The kind of condescending cackle only reserved for rich folks who know they're better than you.
[GUFFAWING CONTINUES.]
Wow, yeah.
That was incredibly dismissive and hurtful.
Then came A, for Accents, which means you sound sophisticated, and from anywhere but Philly.
Now tell me what's in this glass! Don't think! Go! Water! Ooh, my God! I'm learning! And last, the double S, which stood for Snooty Sauce.
All you had to do was learn how to ask for it.
- Pardon me, have you got any Grey Poupon? - Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? - No! - BOTH: Pardon me BOTH: do you have any Grey Poupon? - No.
- BOTH: Pardon me.
Do you have any Grey Poupon? Oh, yes.
Your lesson in "class" is complete.
Now, go out there and make the world a worse place.
Look out, high society, a mom and her daughter's boyfriend are going to New York! Yeah, is it weird that we've been hanging out? A little.
While Geoff and my mom were classing up, I was discovering my dad was down to laugh.
- Hee! Hee-hee! - What was that? - What was what? - You're actually laughing! At "227"? What is happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
Big Tasty's getting a taste of the high life.
Please, I'm in the middle of a very important discovery right now.
Do not butt in with your insanity.
You know what's insane? This delicious jar of caviar.
How the hell are you paying for caviar? No! This is not about him right now! I cashed in one of Nana's bonds to get a little taste of Beverly Hills.
[MUFFLED.]
Oh, no! It's so salty! They're fish eggs, you moron.
Fish lay eggs?! - [LAUGHS.]
- It's stuck under my tongue! - I need milk! - That one never disappoints! Holy balls! First you laugh at Jackée, then at Barry?! You literally laugh at everyone but me! Hee-hee-hoo! Wait.
I did it? Did I do it? [LAUGHS.]
This show's hilarious! They never leave the stoop! [CHUCKLES.]
My world was rocked.
For the first time, nothing was funny.
Now, I want everyone to look at my stool.
This is a very loose stool.
[RATTLING.]
See? I know it's just a stool sample, but it's a real mess.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Thanks to my dad, my dream of comedy died.
Meanwhile, Erica's avant-garde music adventure had just begun.
It feels so liberating to be here with, like, like-minded people, ya know? Absolutely.
I just can't wait to sit down and Holy crap! Geoff and my mom are here! [GASPS.]
Fancy seeing you here.
[CHUCKLES.]
- So fancy.
- Indeed! Okay, why are you here and talking like that and dressed like the cast of "Dynasty"? What, you mean these old new full-priced rags from the real Filenes Above Ground? Hmm.
We stopped there on the way here.
Pocket square? No, I don't want a pocket square, Geoff! Again, why are you here? Yeah.
Are you guys, like, on a date? On a date with culture.
I'm most excited for M'buku O'Shaughnessy and the Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.
I read about this little musical powwow in The New Yorker.
No, you didn't.
I literally told you I was coming here.
Did you, now? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
What is that? Why are you doing that? - BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Stop ho-ho'ing.
You sound like douchey Santas.
- BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Why are you doing it? It seems like what you do.
Oh-ho! Okay, I don't know what you two are doing, but you need to go.
We're just trying to like what you like, 'cause, you know, you're a big snooty jerk now.
So, I'm not allowed to go away to college and change and grow, like a normal person? Look, of course we want you to learn and grow.
We just don't want you to grow away from us.
Well, none of this is helping your case.
Now please leave.
Fine.
Maybe I'll see you back at home.
I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but they're actually kind of cute together.
Thanks for coming.
Mr.
Crosby here insisted we do this in person.
There was another incident in shop class today.
Sounds like we could have covered this in a phone call, but I'm here, so go for it.
I was demonstrating how to perform a mitre cut.
When I bent down to retrieve some lumber, I split my pants clean down the middle.
Having lost my balance, I reached out for the nearest item to steady myself, which, unfortunately, was an active band saw.
Now, while the blade did not connect with any fingers, it did shear off one millimeter of this pinkie nub.
Thinking fast, I ripped my already split pants wide open and used the fabric as a tourniquet.
Now bottomless and afraid, I Donald Ducked about the room in search of ice.
Thankfully, I had confiscated a Slurpee from a student, so I plunged my hand directly into the beverage to numb the pain.
As you can imagine, I slipped on the mess, toppling directly into my star student Jonathan Atkins.
His body was pinned under mine, rendering him immobile, which was problematic, as I had completely thrown out my back upon impact.
The students howled with laughter.
Once my shoulder dislocated, I was able to free myself and shimmy towards the door.
That's when my trick knee gave out, and I rolled right into the belt sander, which toppled directly onto my groin.
Upon impact, I farted real bad and real loud.
- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Really? There? Yeah.
What does any of this have to do with Adam? Today, there was one student that did not laugh at my ballet of tragedy.
In fact, he was so composed, he turned off that belt sander moments before it plunged onto my genitals.
- Your son.
- Really? You must be very proud.
Stop right there.
- We need to talk.
- Why? You heard the guy I'm his star student.
He was Donald Ducking! If you don't laugh at a Donald Ducking, then we got a big problem big.
You're the one who told me I needed to focus on school to get a normal job.
That's what I'm doing.
I just wanted you to be a little more realistic.
You told me I'd never make it in any form of entertainment not even puppetry.
I think we both know there's no money in puppets.
That's not the point! I'm not good at sports or science or math or stupid woodworking! But making people laugh was the one thing I thought I could do.
- Adam - No, I get it now.
You were right.
All I'll ever be is just a Goldberg.
With my mom gone, Erica could finally enjoy her new, - sophisticated music - [GONG CRASHES.]
if you could call it that.
It says this piece is about Nixon.
That was my first thought.
It's so very haunting and painful.
True.
It's so painful.
I can feel the music banging in my head and rattling my teeth and gums.
[GONGS CRASHING.]
That's how you know it's good.
I really love how the bagpipes blend horribly with the gonging and the off-putting bird noises And I just can't do it! This is the worst! - Shh! - Quiet down.
This isn't the Hooters concert.
Yeah, 'cause God forbid we listen to some catchy tunes that you can sing and dance to.
God, when is this over? We have, like, three hours left.
Three hours? I ditched my boyfriend and awesome band for this avant garbage.
I got to go.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Have you seen a young man in a semi-silk jacket with an older lady who looks like a villain in a soap opera? You're literally describing everyone here.
[THE HOOTERS' "AND WE DANCED" PLAYS.]
They're gone.
Erica? Oh, thank God you're still here.
Why are you missing the show? The bagpipe solo's about to start.
Listen, I wanted to be more than just a girl from Jenkintown.
The truth is, I love my town, and all the things in it.
I live in Jenkintown.
Do you, now? [CHUCKLES.]
She's back.
- My normal, beautiful baby is back.
- Mom! No.
You can't take it back.
You said you love us.
I really do.
God help me.
Anyway, what do you say we head back to Philly and grab a wudder ice? Actually I have a better idea.
And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced We were liars in love, and we danced Swept away for a moment by chance That night, Erica learned that you don't have to give up where you're from in order to grow into the kind of person you always wanted to be.
And danced and danced - And danced, whoo - Hey.
I rented "Stripes.
" I know how you love that movie.
- Like a wave on the ocean, romanced - I'm not feeling it.
- We were liars in love - [SIGHS.]
Okay.
There's something you should know.
- Swept away for a moment by chance - You really are funny.
- Stop.
- No, it's the truth.
I just didn't want to encourage you.
So, you were just trying to scare me away from it all? I was, and I'm sorry.
Oh, wow.
Never heard you say "sorry" before.
Look, I always thought I'd be the kind of dad who would help guide you with your career.
But all those things that you love, they make me feel helpless.
- Why? - I sell furniture, Adam.
I don't know anything about movies or comedy or magic or puppets.
Point is, I don't get any of your crazy dreams.
I really don't.
But if that's what you really want, I'm in.
- Swept away for a moment by chance - That's - Thank you.
- And we danced Just thank you.
Yeah Hey, Dad? - And we danced - What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Here's a little tip don't ever do that joke in public.
Um, what do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! [DING!.]
Do any of you like impressions? [CROWD CHEERING.]
Damn.
I got to learn some impressions.
[DING!.]
Okay, I got you the fancy rich-people food you wanted, - but I-I just don't think - This is my new way of living.
Bring me my first course.
I present to you pâté.
[GASPS.]
Like a hamburger pat-tay?! Yes! No! Ugh! It's like meat, but it's smooth like peanut butter! Come on.
Let mama make you a shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.
Yes! Let's cheese up some shrimps and pie up some chili!