The League s05e13 Episode Script

Aw, tits.
I lost.
Goddamn rabbi is such a Honest, moral, forthright human being? - Yes, he is.
- I'm really coming around to Judaism.
Of course you're finding religion-- you somehow ended up in the Shiva Bowl.
Somehow? And your husband's here to celebrate with you.
No.
Have you guys seen him? Did he crash with any of you last night? No, I haven't seen him.
And you know what? I don't blame him for disappearing after you lineup-cheated on him with Ben.
I did not lineup-cheat with anyone.
I maybe lineup-flirted.
Well, you're gonna need all the advice you can get 'cause you're playing me in the Shiva.
That's right.
Ted has gone down.
I guess Ted could handle AIDS, but he couldn't handle Draids.
Your Draids team just sucks the life out of anybody that plays you.
I am a score vacuum.
And I'm coming to suck up your score right now.
Ew.
God.
The Ass-Eating Machine? No, it's a score vacuum.
Oh, shit, are you kidding me? Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him.
Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on? So weird.
You should check his Twitter, maybe.
Um, he's not tweeting-- he's playing a game, Andr Wait a minute, he is tweeting.
"Suck it, Pete.
Hashtag 'you've just been double-ent'Andre'd'"? Bam! Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah What's up? What's up? You've been done the long con Long con What, what? What, what? You've been long-conned by Andre.
And, to add insult to injury, - look who you lost to.
- Oh, hi, I didn't see you there.
I was in the middle of a faxing.
Introducing Taco Corp's latest venture: the EBDB.
Eskimo Brothers Database.
EBDB? Jesus, I can't believe I lost to this.
We log and catalogue your Eskimo family tree for you.
So all you have to do is put your penis in someone and we do the rest.
I've been creating a vast Eskimo brothers network database starting with myself.
That is me.
Right up there is my Eskimo Eskimo brothers.
I spent a summer up in the Northwest Territories.
I've been working on Kevin's Eskimo family tree as well.
As you can see, Kevin is Eskimo brothers with Ruxin's dog, Kale, through Jenny.
The EBDB.
You bag it, we tag it.
Oh, shit.
Looking good, Dr.
Nowzick.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, No! Hector Rocha? Toe-besity is my thing! It's my thing! I mean, she won't let me, her husband, help her set her lineup, but she'll let Ben go off and do it? You are in the Sacko Bowl.
Yeah, well, so are you.
Where did we go wrong? I'll tell you where we went wrong: David Wilson.
Darren McFadden.
Roddy White.
Stevan Ridley.
Aw.
You guys talking about the Should've-Would've-Could've Bowl? You know what? Enough Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl, we get it.
Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's not called the Sacko anymore-- it's called the Ruxin.
Certain people were referring to it as the Ruxin.
Well, one of you two losers will be living with the Ruxin for the next year.
You know what? That trophy looks a lot more like Joe Paterno than it actually looks like you.
And just like the ghost of Joe Paterno, it will loom like a shame cloud over you.
You saw but you didn't act.
You knew what was happening, and you let it happen.
And your legacy has been tainted.
Jenny calling.
Don't answer it.
All right.
Gentlemen, I need those lists for the Eskimo Brothers Database.
And remember, penetration only.
Eventually, I'll expand it to BJs, Aborigine brothers, or HJs, Apache brothers.
But for now, I'm focusing on the Eskimo only.
"P" in the "V" goes in the EBDB.
I love to see you motivated, Taco.
Hold on a second, I Oh, it's Jenny.
Don't answer it.
Don't touch me, boys.
I'm hot.
I am on fire.
Dr.
Rocha? The number one plastic surgeon in Chicago? He is now honing in on my turf.
He's doing toe-besity clients.
We be beefing.
What? Oh, we be beefing.
Wow, like a Gary Coleman commercial for Wendy's.
No, this is me at anger level ten.
You're ready to give Rocha the hot beef injection.
Taco, looks like you better add Dr.
Rocha to the EBDB for Andre.
Yeah, uh, speaking of which, Andre, your list has a lot of inconsistencies.
A lot of the women on here don't exist.
What do you mean? I mean, most of these women are dead and they died on the Titanic.
Hello? Hello? Does anyone answer phones anymore? Come on.
What are you doing here? I want you to come home.
Come on.
Stop being a baby.
No, I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me as a fantasy football player.
I love you.
I value your opinions.
Great, then let me help you set your lineup.
No.
I don't want to lose.
But I can help you.
Why would I need help? So you don't lose.
Oh, you know what? That's it.
I'll be upstairs, Peter.
Looks like I'm not the only one beefing today.
Welcome home.
Jesus Christ! Rafi! You should've seen your face.
You scared the shit out of me.
You remember last year when I took Baby Geoffrey to water survival? Swim class.
Okay, yeah.
You made a deal with me that if I did, I got to bang your sister.
Mm And now, I am here to collect.
I would love to hold up my end of the deal, but my sister's already left town.
Oh, that's too No.
You're lying.
I can smell pussy in this house that's not my sister's.
Whoa! Well, well, well! Rebecca, you remember, uh, Rafi.
From our wedding, when they asked if anyone objected to this union, he threw a sock full of quarters at me? Yeah.
Hey, bangs, I'm talking to you.
We have business to discuss.
What is this about? Is this about your stupid fantasy league? Because I don't want to hear about it.
Fantasy league isn't stupid, Rebby, okay? It's cool.
Will you just tell me why you're interrupting me, please? I'm sorry.
I can explain.
Last year, I took our son My son.
to water survival.
Swim class.
And as a result, the deal that he made was that you and I would have sex.
Not true.
He's joking.
It's a joke.
Not joking at all.
Sex between us.
Very funny.
Talking about your sister having sex with your homeless friend? We're not friends at all.
This is a dirty, dirty, terrible thing to say to your sister.
Like you would even know what a joke was, Rebby.
Um, that's not true.
I have a pretty stellar sense of humor.
Ask the girls at Hadassah.
You wouldn't even know a joke if it hit you in the face.
You've never known a joke.
You have no sense of humor.
You're not funny! I'm the funny one! I've always been the funny one in the family.
Hey, guys.
Relax.
First of all, none of you are funny.
Jews aren't funny.
Second, I think maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
The sex that we're gonna have is strictly transactional.
It is just dick in hole.
Hey, where are you going? Hmm.
She's feisty.
I think she's into this guy.
Yeah.
Why? 'Cause she screamed at you the whole time? No, actually.
'Cause she screamed at you the whole time.
Help me out here, bro.
What do I got to do to lock that down? Well, she only dates Jewish guys, so the All right.
only way that this could work is if you converted to Judaism.
I'll do that.
Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
Does that mean they have to cut my dick off? You just got to snip the tip.
Oh, that's great, actually.
Because the tip of mine is black and hard, and I can't feel anything since I got frostbite last year.
Oh, I made up the couch all nice and comfy for you.
Couch? No, no, I can't do a couch.
I tweaked my back combing my hair too fast.
Oh, well, maybe a nice, hard surface of the floor? No, no, I don't do floors.
Hmm Yeah, this is better.
So, maybe we don't tell anybody about this.
Good idea.
Good night, Kevin.
Good night, Pete.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Brittany, what is this doing in our fridge? You know the rule here: no solid foods.
Juices only.
It's just birthday cake, and it's my birthday.
It's your birthday? You're getting older, too? When were you gonna tell me about this? I'm really sorry, but you're fired.
Okay.
Just pack your shit up Hey! We had a deal.
Three years ago, over tapas, we agreed to split the body, 50-50.
You got the top half, I got the bottom half.
Breasts were always international waters, but now? I see these toe-besity ads? Whoa.
We be beefing, son.
Oh, I don't want to be beefing.
No, well, we beefing.
But I don't want to be beefing.
Well, you better come up with a beef substitute.
Here's what I think.
Why don't we join forces? And instead of being number one and number two, we can be one giant number one.
Why would you want to partner with me? You've always been such a dick to me.
It's like I have a movie franchise and we're doing pretty well, but it's starting to get old.
And what I need is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson-- A.
K.
A.
you-- to step in and help me go to the next level.
I'm your Rock.
I'm your franchise Viagra.
So what do you think? Yeah.
Let's turn this G.
I.
Joe into G.
I.
Joe: Retaliation.
G.
I.
Joe:Retaliation.
Have a piece of cake.
I don't eat that shit.
Nice.
What possible reason could you have to want Rafi to become a Jew? Because Baby Geoffrey listens to Rafi.
So if Rafi becomes Jewish, then Geoffrey will become Jewish.
How are you gonna get Rafi to become Jewish? Rafi wants to get his filthy, disgusting hands up that long, denim skirt of my sister's.
Oh, my God.
I get it.
I was gonna stop on the way home and grab something to eat for dinner-- do you want me to grab you anything? I feel like we've been eating in a lot.
Do you want to go out tonight? I'd No, I mean, I could grab some Indian or sushi Why don't you guys splurge and go out? Enough with the jokes, okay? Enough.
Look, I know in the past I've kidded around with you guys a little bit that you like to, you know, suck each other's dicks and crank each other's buttholes.
But in this case, I really am truly happy for you two.
Let me know when you guys go full penny-- I'll write it down in the EBDB.
I have an announcement.
The number one and number two plastic surgeons in Chicago are about to perform a plastic merger-y.
Whoa, couple ballers.
What's going on here? I thought you guys were, like, bitter rivals.
No, that's all in the past.
You see, we realized that we share a common enemy.
Hospitals.
Wh-Who likes to go to a hospital? There's all these bright fluorescent lights.
All these old, sick people.
What if it was, instead of a hospital, a club-spital? We're gonna dim the lights.
Mm-hmm.
Get a DJ in there.
Instead of an anesthesiologist, you get a mixologist.
So when you go out, you're going out with a Red Bull and a roofie, not just some needle in your arm.
You guys got it all figured out.
Well, look, it's not just about making a ton of money and, you know, getting a tuggy in the back of your red Porsche.
Sure, I've boned it out in the changing room of a Aeropostale I've seen the pictures.
but I also like to give back-- that's why I started No Child Cleft Behind.
Like a cleft palate? We go in to El Salvador, fix those kids up.
Once I thought of that pun, I-I knew I had to give back.
See? A lot of people are always focused on feeding the people in the third world countries, but they don't realize they're actually pretty ugly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, fellas, I think I see a couple of ladies that need to take a visit to the back of my red Porsche and tug me out.
See you.
I think he's gonna go talk to those girls.
And I'm gonna watch.
Guys, this is amazing.
He's my new best friend.
Wow.
You guys are no longer my favorite couple.
Nip/Suck just took first prize.
Pete, I'm using your computer! Did you put a password on this? Yes, I put a password on there.
Why? Because we're playing each other this weekend.
I don't want you to have access to my scout team.
And, by the way, you're a shit pig-- you missed the bowl in the bathroom.
I thought pee didn't bother you.
Well, pee doesn't bother me when it's my pee.
I don't think this is about pee at all.
You know what? It's not.
I'm a little hurt that you didn't tell me about the Andre long con.
Buddy, that's how this game's played-- you know that.
No, it's not how it's played between us.
Oh, well, well, well.
Did we come at a bad time? You remember your Uncle Kevin.
Hello.
Thank you.
They're dangling in my face.
Yeah.
He wants to say hi to you.
What are you doing here? Well, I wanted to show him his new home 'cause either way he's ending up here unless Are you guys fighting? No, we're not fighting.
Pete's just trying to pin him being in the Sacko on me! Oh, the fact remains, if you had told me about the Vernon Davis Twitter con, then I would not be in the Sacko Bowl.
Fact.
No, Pete you are in the Sacko because you made poor decisions, like picking up Knowshon Moreno and then dropping him before he gets big.
Which makes sense because you have commitment issues.
Ha! Oh, this coming from the person who is as disappointed in his life as David Wilson is in his season.
Oh, I don't have to listen to this! I'm going home, Peter! I'm worried that the Ruxin's gonna be a child of divorce.
Shut up.
Even a second wife needs a trophy wife.
Get that out of Get away from me.
I had a fight with Pete.
Do you want to talk about it? I mean, the guy is just being such a jerk.
He's trying to pin all his lineup problems on me, and it's like, hello? You created those problems, I didn't.
You know what happened? You guys let Ruxin come in between you.
Not Ruxin.
The Ruxin.
Well, I'm glad you're home.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
I need you.
I need you, too, babe.
No, I mean I need you.
Really? Yeah.
Do you want to? Oh, I'd love to help you with your lineup, yes! Yeah? Yes.
All right, so, my defenses.
You know, I've got Dallas in there, which is great Or, we could pick up Tennessee off the waiver wire.
They're playing the Jags.
Yeah? Yeah, we could do that.
We might have to tinker a little.
Oh, I will certainly be tinkering tonight.
I think we should totally tinker all night long.
You want to tinker? Oh, I'd love to tinker.
Yeah? Yeah.
Tinker away.
Mm-hmm.
And we are done.
Cheers.
Cheers to you, partner.
All right, we got to go big.
QVC, product lines, even a stand-up comedy club, slash, plastic surgery place.
I'm not interested in any of that, but here's your plane ticket.
Where are we going? We're not going anywhere.
You're going to El Salvador.
What? I don't want to go to El Salvador.
Well, the contract you just signed says you're gonna go there for three years and run No Child Cleft Behind.
But I don't want to do that.
You can come up with a better pun, be my guest.
Wait a second, you partnered with me just to get rid of me, didn't you? What about the team, the the GI Joe: Retaliation? You can watch that movie on your flight over.
In 3-D? Mm no.
Oh, then what's the point? Oof.
This does not look good.
Why did you sign it? Did you read it through? No, he-he just told me to trust him, and I like that outfit he wears.
Well, he's also got no loopholes in this contract.
I think you're screwed.
Just buy your way out of it.
I'll be bankrupt.
So does this mean you're going to El Salvador? For three años.
If you need a notary, I'm pretty sure I'm legal down there.
I got to go home.
Adios, Andre.
Hey! What? He needs to practice.
I'm gonna miss this place.
Shitty carpet, cheap couch, horrible Christmas decorations.
They don't have that in El Salvador.
All right, Geoffrey, do you know what these are? Dreidel.
Oh.
I don't want to tell you what I thought it was, but, actually, don't worry about it.
I washed them off pretty good in the toilet.
So what do we do, we just spin 'em? Yeah.
Like that? Oh, no! Hey, why don't you take your candelabra here and run upstairs and practice your half Torah like I taught you? Baruch atah adonai eloheinu mel Oh.
Shalom.
I didn't see you there.
Shalom.
I was just telling my nephew how great it is to be Jewish, 'cause I'm pretty freaking Jewish now.
Are you? I'm pretty much killing it on the Jew front.
Now that I keep a kosher toilet-kitchen, my life is amazing.
No more live pig for this guy.
Just dead pig, pig-milk soup.
You can't eat pig if you're kosher, and you can't eat a live pig ever.
I mean, they're hell to catch, but delicious.
Like, I You're joking.
Yeah, I was totally kidding.
I don't eat any of that stuff.
All I eat pretty much now is, like, shrimp and lobster.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be here for one more day, so are we doing this, or are we not doing this? Wait.
Do you mean sex? Yes.
Then, yes, we are 100% gonna do this.
Fantastic, because I cannot think of one thing that would piss my brother off more.
Ha! Good.
And I cut the tip of my dick off for you.
I'm sorry? Yeah, boom, gonzo, because it's Jewish.
You circumcised yourself? I had one of those, uh, paper cutters from a high school that I robbed, and I just put my dick in there I don't need to hear the details.
and shoonk! You know, to make matters worse, Dr.
Rocha wants me in El Salvador at Christmas now.
Man, that guy's so cool.
On the off chance, is there anybody in El Salvador that I could be Eskimo brothers with? Okay, well, let's take a look at your file.
Here we go.
"Andre Nowzick.
" All right, here we go.
Wait a second.
You use your computer as a file cabinet? Yeah, keep my files in my hard drive.
And what were you just typing? Nothing.
I like the sound.
Okay, your Eskimo family tree Oh, boy, you don't even really have any Eskimo brothers in Chicago, let alone El Salvador, aside from Kevin.
Oh.
Yeah.
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram.
You know how you could expand your Eskimo brother network? It would be very easy.
You just have to sleep with your sister.
I'm not sleeping with my sister no.
All you have to do is put the tip in, and all of these people, my friend, they're all yours.
This EBDB is useless.
I disagree.
The EBDB is connecting the world one bone at a time.
Oh, for example, I just found out that I'm Eskimo brothers with a priest-- a Father Zaragosa.
So cool.
Wait.
That's the priest from Sofia's church.
Yeah, he had sex with Tiffany.
Oh! Taco, I love you, and I love the EBDB.
I got to go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Will I see you? Well, if I don't, I want you to know a few things.
First, skull caps are never cool.
That vest looks like you molested Margaret Thatcher's couch, and your cologne smells like sweet baby doody.
Mm.
Peace.
Oh, hello, Father Zaragosa.
Hi, Rodney.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Well, I have a favor to ask, or I'll have to tell.
Tell what? Well, that you're Eskimo brothers with Taco.
Goddamn Tiffany.
Tongue-stud Tiffany.
Do you want Geoffrey out of church school, is that it? No, no, no.
I've realized that having him out of the house on Sunday is perfect so that me and my heathen friends can watch football.
What is it that you want? Walk with me, padre.
I want to talk to you about tongue-stud Tiffany.
Oh, God.
What? What did you eat? I ate a raw onion earlier that I found on the street.
That's the opposite of what you should have done.
I didn't want to eat it, but it just looked so good.
Let's do it in the back.
You're not even drunk.
No, the back of the van.
Oh, great.
Oh, my God.
I want to do you office-style.
Ow.
Office? This is gonna fulfill a fantasy I've had since I was on welfare.
You're a fat black woman, and you're really mad at me because I hadn't been looking for a job.
I Ooh, what I'm gonna do to you isn't kosher.
Oh, yeah.
What? Don't say that.
That takes me out of it.
Shit.
We're moving.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, shit.
Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes! I can't! I can't work on Shabbat! What?! I can't work on Shabbat.
You don't know that? No, you Quick, I want to be inside you on point of impact.
When I'm done with this guy, his nose is gonna look exactly like Matthew McConaughey's.
So, what are you up to tonight? I'm going to this Asian comedy show; it's called Chop Shtick.
It should be really great.
My hand! Hey, man, what the shit are you doing? Help me.
My hand's crushed in the door.
Just open the door, please! You just screwed my whole thing up, man.
This girl's kosher.
That means I got to put my meat in one hole and my milk in the other.
Aah, man hand! "When Mary and Joseph reached Bethlehem after a long and tiring journey, they looked for a place to stay.
" Mary and Joseph are a lot shorter than I thought.
"'But,' he said, 'We have a stable where you can stay.
'" What's up? I just spent the entire night chowing on your sister's ruggala.
Okay, so you had a one-night stand, fine.
We had an all-night stand.
Oh! Oh, God.
You wore a condom, right? No, no, no, no, no.
She wouldn't let me, because the only one I had I'd made myself out of pork sausage casings.
That's not kosher.
No, it's not kosher.
Hey, move over.
Oh.
You guys are looking at the number one plastic surgeon in Chicago.
Hey! Whoa! I thought Dr.
Rocha had you by the balls.
Yeah, until his hand was crushed.
Now he can't practice at all.
And I don't have to go to El Salvador.
Christmas has come early this year.
Actually, it's Christmas right now.
Okay, well, Christmas came at the exact right time, because I'm also beating Jenny in The Shiva.
Uh-uh, don't do that, 'cause I am still in this.
I'm still playing.
Oh, yeah, who do you have? Um, oh, the Titans defense.
Ugh! You're down by seven with four minutes to go.
No Shiva for you, girl.
I am gonna be lucky if I get a point out of these donkeys.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I thought that that was the play.
"The wise men followed the star until it stopped over the place where the child was.
They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh and presented them to him.
" Watch this.
I worked on Baby Geoffrey's lines with him a little bit.
Come into my manger, and I'll cut you with my knife.
Oh, my God! Whoa! Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Mr.
Ruxin, Baby Jesus did not have a switchblade! Maybe he should have.
Then he'd probably still be alive.
Oh, my God, there was a sack.
It gets a point.
And a fumble.
That's another pot.
Oh, my God, they're running it bk, you guys.
Oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Go! Go! Touchdown! Oh, no! My God! What?! That's six points! That was an eight-point play! It's just like the story of the Hebrews in the temple with the oil.
It's like a Hanukkah miracle.
Yeah, it is! You did it! Yes! I just won The Shiva, and because of the advice you gave me! That's right.
It is a MacArthur Shiva with no asterisks! I won! I am the champion! Take that, dick cream! I won! I'm The Shiva! Oh, yeah, won The Shiva! I won it! I won it! Miss, you're making a scene in a church.
Doesn't matter.
I converted; I'm Jewish now.
Whoo! This is amazing.
Wait, wait, it looks like we also have a MacArthur Sacko.
Oh, no.
It is decided.
No, no, no.
No.
Damn it, and I lost because of the advice you gave me.
I love you.
Oh, I don't give a shit.
What? Shiva and the Sacko in the same household.
This is not going to go well.
You know what, Kevin? I don't want to be in a fight anymore.
I love you, man, let's just make up.
(bleep) you.
I-- God, I don't want to be the Sacko.
Aw, Kev, you're not the Sacko, you're the Ruxin.
Black choir.
Hallelujah Um, what? Hallelujah Ruxin screwed ya Hallelujah Hallelujah Ruxin did this to ya I can't believe this.
Ruxin started a choir and didn't ask me.
Hallelujah Ruxin is no longer the Ruxin Kevin is I completely dodged a bullet on this one.
Kevin is the Ruxin He's the worst He's the Ruxin Wow, they really care about our fantasy football league.
Pete's on top Kevin's the bottom You're the worst You're the Ruxin You're the Ruxin Oh, no, not now, no, come on, Ruxin.
Yeah, it's yours, it's yours.
Last place loser And now you're first And you shall suck it Forever and ever And ever You're the Ruxin And ever You're the Ruxin And ever.
This can't get any worse.
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram.
Jesus Christ.
He said it.
Hey, Brian, who's this Kevin? He sounds like a real piece of shit.