The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e13 Episode Script

I can't I'm just I-I don't know what to get.
How about glasses? I don't need glasses.
They're for old people.
Why don't you just order for me, and I'll sit here and look youthful.
Mm.
Boy, I hope that was you.
Seriously, you know what, I can't see anything.
You know, this is our three-week anniversary.
Oh.
Not that I keep track of anniversaries, 'cause that'd be girly.
But But, if you want, after this, we could go to Color Me Mine and make a couple of anniversary mugs.
Wow.
That actually sounds good to me.
I must really like you.
Nothing about you bugs me yet; nothing.
I mean, that's, like, a new record for me.
Although I got very close when you announced your "no shoes" policy at your house.
Yeah, but you were back on board when I announced the "no pants" policy.
Yeah, I was on board.
I love you.
You're the best.
You know, I'm really glad you don't throw "I love you's" around, because I know, when you actually say it, you're really going to mean it.
When do you think that's going to be? Mm.
Oh.
Sorry, I told Ritchie to text me when he finished his homework.
And to be fair, I didn't think he knew how to text or to finish his homework.
Uh Yeah, I can't-- uh, can you, um, can you? "I've been thinking about you.
" Oh.
"And I was wondering if you're free to get together on Saturday night.
" Oh, cute.
It's from someone named Daniel Harris.
Oh.
Oh! You're kidding me.
Daniel? Oh.
Give me that.
Who's Daniel? What? No.
It's no one.
It's just an old boyfriend.
Seriously, don't, give me the phone, okay? Wow, this is quite a reaction.
I don't remember you mentioning an old boyfriend named Daniel Harris before.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
I mean, that's not weird.
That doesn't mean anything.
Except that you've mentioned every other ex-boyfriend you've ever had.
Burton, Papa Jeff, Sad Dad, Jack In The Box voice.
Okay, so I've made some bad choices, and I forgot to mention Mr.
Harris.
So what? Yeah, well, I've been a therapist long enough to know it's what you don't say that is usually the most significant.
Okay, I will just text him and tell him that I'm involved with somebody.
You don't have to.
Wait, what? We've only been going out for three weeks.
We haven't said we're exclusive.
We haven't even made our anniversary mugs yet.
So go out with him, if you want to.
Well, I didn't say I wanted to.
Yeah, but you didn't say you didn't want to.
And I've been a therapist long enough to know it's what you don't say that is usually the most Okay, okay.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Look at you, you're all red-faced and sweaty.
This guy's obviously causing a reaction.
I'm red-faced and sweaty because I have had two glasses of wine and my date Spanx are squeezing the life out of me.
I think that's how Houdini died.
You know, you don't have to be so flip.
Okay, look, I think you should explore these feelings.
I think you should go out with him.
Well, if you don't stop saying that, I will go out with him just to teach you a lesson.
I want you to.
In fact, I'll do it for you-- here: "That sounds great.
"See you then.
XXOO, LOL USA.
" Yeah.
Now, what looks good? CHRISTINE: Okay.
Ritchie's playing video games.
He's had no bath, no food And no good role models.
I can't believe you're going through with this just to spite Max.
What? It's not spite.
He's practically dared me to go out with Daniel.
Well, did he double-dog dare you? Well, because if not, and your fingers were crossed, you can olly olly oxen free and get out of it.
Don't joke about this, Matthew.
I totally overestimated Max's feelings for me.
You know, I told him that I loved him, and he told me he thought I was the best.
You should be used to that from Dad.
He couldn't care less if I go out with other guys.
I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship.
No, I'm not.
Look, there's no way going out with some old boyfriend is going to make you forget about your feelings for Max.
Unless it's this old boyfriend.
CHRISTINE: Wow.
Mr.
Harris, you look great.
Christine, I almost forgot how beautiful you are.
You, too.
I-I mean, I think you're beautiful.
Well, things haven't changed around here.
Come on in.
So, um what do we have on for tonight? Okay, my 25th high school reunion is tonight.
Oh.
Would you mind if we stop by there for a little bit before we go to dinner? The Jaguars are expecting me to make an appearance.
You were a Jaguar? I was a Cougar! Still are.
Oh.
Thank you.
No, wait, I don't like that.
It'll be quick.
The team's getting back together for a picture and they want the quarterback in it, so Oh, look at us.
The cheerleader and the quarterback.
You weren't a cheerleader.
I wore short skirts and I slept with all the football players.
What else would you call it, Matthew? I would call Mr.
Harris a lucky man.
Okay, it's been two years.
Is anyone ever going to call me Daniel? Oh, well, at this point, it seems disrespectful.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What you doing? I didn't want to disturb you.
Uh, you peering at me through the window is disturbing.
Uh, Christine's not here.
Oh, I'm, I-I'm, I'm not here about Christine.
No, no, I, um, I-I came over to see you about some, some office business.
Oh, we have office business? Oh, yes.
Um, regarding lunch tomorrow Mm-hmm.
I thought we'd try this new restaurant, and I, uh, I brought the menu by so you could peruse it.
You're too late; she's gone.
Too late? Who's gone? Where'd she go? You know tonight was Christine's date and Mr.
Harris already picked her up, and, uh, once you go Mr.
Harris, you never go back.
What's wrong with you? I thought you liked her.
I do.
Yeah, but you set her up on a date with her ex-boyfriend.
Look, I know what I'm doing.
I have a tendency in relationships to, to hold on too tight.
That's how I lost my last two girlfriends and-and my cat.
And my housekeeper.
So I just, I just-- I'm just giving Christine some space.
You know, who was it that said "If you love something, set it free.
"If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was"? I think that was Baloo from The Jungle Book.
Wise bear.
See, I take the pressure off by letting her go out with Mr.
Harris, and it makes her want me more.
You haven't seen Mr.
Harris, have you? No, why? That's him? God, he's beautiful.
Why do you think he's my screen saver? I wish I'd had that information before I encouraged her to go out out with him, but, uh, it's fine.
I mean, she obviously broke up with him for a reason.
No, actually, he broke up with her.
She was devastated.
Ah.
So many things I wish I had known before I encouraged her.
Is he boring? Delightful.
Conceited? Wouldn't you be? Bad in bed? Better than he has to be.
Stupid? Not nearly as stupid as you.
Oh, God.
I am so glad you could make it tonight.
Hey, Daniel, I have a confession to make.
Boy, I hate when dates start this way.
I've been seeing someone, and I thought it was serious, but then I just found out it isn't, so I'm kind of in a weird place right now.
So you're just using me as a rebound to get over your boyfriend.
Yes, but I also wanted you to see me, because I've lost three pounds since you broke up with me.
Okay.
Actually, the reason I brought you here tonight is because my old girlfriend is going to be here and I didn't want to show up alone.
What?! You're just using me?! I can't believe that.
You just told me you're doing the same thing.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Since I've lost all that weight, I've become a little irrational.
But I'm flattered that you thought of me to show off to your old girlfriend.
Yeah, nothing will make Alison angrier than me showing up with a pretty white woman with a big butt.
Well, if it's a big butt you want, I should take off these date Spanx.
Welcome back, Jaguars.
Hey, wait, you're not a Jaguar.
She's a cougar.
I said I didn't like that.
Okay, Jaguar plus one.
We put your senior photos on the name tags so everybody can recognize you although I recognize you.
He was the first boy that ever touched my bra.
Yeah, I didn't want to; she left it on my lunch tray.
Oh, my God.
Did you ever go through an awkward phase? My senior picture, my acne medication had dried my face out.
I looked like a block of Parmesan cheese with a Joan Jett haircut.
Yeah, but look at you now with your beautiful skin and your Linda Ronstadt haircut.
That guy you're dating was crazy to let you get away.
Yeah, you're right.
Screw Max.
He doesn't love me; you love me.
N-Now, remember, I'm just using you to get to my old girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
Love comes in many forms.
You sent her out on a date with Mr.
Harris? What's the matter with you? I was trying to give her her space.
It's Mr.
Harris.
That's like sending the fat kid to the chocolate factory and expecting him not to get sucked into a tube.
Yeah, it's like sending me out on a date with Mr.
Harris.
And I say that as a straight man with very confused feelings.
This is not entirely my fault, you know.
I mean, in a million years, I never thought Christine's ex would look like that.
I figured he'd look like you.
Fair enough.
God, I screwed everything up.
So what are you going to do about it? What can I do? I-I sent her on a date with the sexiest man alive.
I mean, look at him.
He's-- I can't compete with that.
Why do you have a picture of Mr.
Harris on your cell phone? I asked Matthew to forward it to me.
It's not even a good picture.
Look at this-- of him playing tennis with no shirt.
Oh, I-I don't have that one.
Will you forward that one? Could you do that with me, too? Okay, guys, guys, this is not exactly helping me.
Fine.
Send me the tennis one, too.
Look, you can't just give up and let Mr.
Harris walk away with her.
What am I supposed to do? Fight for her.
That's all she's ever wanted was someone to fight for her.
And to meet Judge Judy.
If I'd fought for her when we were going through a hard time, we'd probably still be married.
Me, too.
I'm sorry, that's just not who I am.
She's a grown woman.
She can make her own choices.
Okay, first of all, she's hardly a grown woman.
She's still losing teeth.
And-And-And second, she's only out with him because you forced her to.
You dared her.
You dared her?! You can't dare Christine.
That's like sending Matthew out on a date with Mr.
Harris.
When you say it, it sounds creepy.
She'll do anything on a dare.
Anything? Anything.
Except the laundry.
And butt stuff.
You know what? Before I was hurt, but now I'm just angry.
I told you, it's not an insult.
A big butt is a good thing.
No.
I'm talking about Max.
You know, he practically dared me to go out with you.
You know me and dares.
Oh, I remember.
Got us kicked out of Disneyland.
Serve him right if I went home with you tonight.
Yeah.
Alison deserves that, too.
You know she broke up with me because I wear Peds? Wha? Peds?! You mean those little socks with the balls on the back? No, no, not lady Peds.
Peds for men.
♪ ♪ All right.
Well, you know what? Screw them.
Max doesn't want me, Alison doesn't want you, why are we even talking about them? Yeah.
It's pathetic trying to prove something to two people who aren't here, instead of enjoying each other.
Huh.
You enjoy me? I used to enjoy you.
I used to enjoy you, too.
We're so enjoyable together.
Yeah! Maybe we should forget about Max and Alison.
I mean, they've obviously forgotten about us.
Well, that's true.
Maybe we should see if there's anything left between us.
Oh! Is that a dare? What if it is? Well, get ready for a cougar attack.
Hi.
Is there a Daniel Harris at this reunion? Oh, yeah, he's here.
He got here about He looks exactly the same.
Look, I got a picture of him when he came in on my cell phone.
Could you forward that to me? Okay, Max, the crazy ends now.
Ooh, that's not crazy.
That's my new screen saver.
Oh, hey, no one's supposed to go in there without a name tag! Whoa, whoa.
Can I get your names, please? Emily Are you kidding? It's me.
Rhoda Zimmerman.
Rhoda? You look a little What? I look a little what, Emily? Oh, nothing.
It's really nice to see you again, Rhoda.
Go, Jaguars! Name? Um Patrick McKinsey.
Oh, my God.
You actually came.
I wouldn't have recognized you.
What, did you lose, like 200 pounds? Oh, good God.
Yeah, looks like.
Oh, my gosh.
I know why you're here.
It's because of our vow.
Oh, crap.
A vow.
Remember? We said if we were both still single at our 25-year reunion, we were going to do it.
Are you ready to get it on? Um Oh, well, don't worry about that.
I'm not going to hold you to it.
No, I want you to.
Hold me to it, Patrick.
And don't let go.
And don't try and ditch me, because I will find you.
Where am I going to go? Where am I going to go? I really had forgotten how fun you are.
Stupid Max.
Are we still talking about him? No, not now.
Now, we're talking about us.
Oh, it's us already? Mm-hmm.
All right.
Do you see her? No.
She's not near the mini franks or the Mojitos, so she probably left.
Oh, wait.
Is that Uh-oh.
What? Uh-oh.
Uh, I just realized you're right.
Uh, Christine probably needs some space.
And possibly some birth control.
Come on, let's get out of here.
What? What are you? MAX: Oh, my God.
I'm too late.
She's kissing Prince Charming, and now they're going to live happily ever after.
They will! It's the law! I'm so sorry.
I can't believe it.
I lost her.
I lost the woman I love.
It's my housekeeper, all over again.
Wait, you love Christine? Of course I do.
Well, why didn't you tell her that? I didn't want to scare her.
Besides, doesn't matter now, anyway.
She obviously has something going on with Mr.
Harris.
And I'm not sure which one I'm more jealous of.
Oh, look, I-I knew her with Mr.
Harris.
And it was okay, but it's not what you guys had.
I mean, it was more just physical desire.
Just sex, you know? I'm going to throw up in your face.
Okay, no.
Listen, what I'm saying is it's different with you.
She laughs more with you, she's more secure, she doesn't have to try so hard.
I mean, you make her happy.
I want to make her happy, Matthew.
I love her.
Then go.
Go be with my sister.
God, everything I say now sounds creepy.
Huh.
Yeah.
Right? Uh what happened? This used to be better.
We didn't used to have to work so hard.
I think you're still thinking about him.
Who? Max.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I don't care about him.
Oh, my God! Max is here! Hello, Christine.
Mr.
Harris.
This is Max.
When I heard you were seeing someone, I thought he'd, um, look more like me.
Fair enough.
It's nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm a yellow belt.
And I'm here to fight for my woman.
Isn't yellow belt one above the lowest? Oh, yeah.
Let's do this.
I'm not going to fight you.
This is my reunion.
People are dancing.
All right then.
Dance-off.
Seriously? This is the guy you couldn't stop talking about? Well, you know, it's hard to explain love.
I love you, too.
What? You love me? Of course.
Well, then, Max, why didn't you say so? I was just trying to give you your space.
I don't want space, I want you.
Okay, what happened to us? Oh, there's not going to be an us-- I'm sorry.
We're just not attracted to-- she's just not attracted to you.
I'm going to find Alison.
Or anyone.
Is Rhoda Zimmerman here? Are you having a good time? No.
The only thing worse than your own reunion is someone else's reunion.
Rhoda Zimmerman is having a blast.
I even won an award: "Most Changed.
" I feel terrible.
I told Emily the truth.
She was devastated.
That poor girl has nothing.
What would it have hurt to have thrown her a little vitamin Campbell? It wouldn't have been me, it would have been Patrick McKinsey.
I don't think she's ever going to get over this.
Mike Buttons? I didn't think I'd see you here.
Do you remember our vow? I hope you're ready to get it on.
Where you going? I'm going to go fight for my woman.
What were you thinking showing up here like that? Threatening to fight Mr.
Harris? I don't know.
You make me do crazy things.
You make me do crazy things, too.
I was going to sleep with Mr.
Harris.
Let's talk about something else.
I'm glad you love me.
Oh, I do.
Against my better judgment, eight years of higher education and nearly 20 years as a therapist.
I can't help it.
Y-You're just you're the most fascinating person I've ever met.
You know, you're so complicated, and yet as simple as a four-year-old.
You know, you're you're funny.
You're sexy as hell.
You're like a bird that smashes into a window and then just wobbles around in circles, trying to figure out how it got here.
You're the perfect person for me.
♪ Yeah, come on, girl ♪ (funky beat throbbing) Will you dance with me? Oh, yeah.
You betcha.
♪ ♪ Oh.
Wow.
Seriously, perfect person for me.