The Office (US) s05e13 Episode Script

Last week i gave a fire safety talk.
And nobody paid any attention.
It's my own fault for using powerpoint.
Powerpoint is boring.
People learn in lots of different ways, But experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
Does anyone smell anything smoky? Did you bring your jerky in again? Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my god.
Fire! Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness.
What's the procedure? - what do we do, people? - the phones are dead.
Oh, how did that happen? It's out in the hall.
No, we don't know that.
The smoke Could be coming through an air duct.
Oh, my god! Okay, it's happening.
Everybody stay calm.
- what's the procedure, - everyone?What's the procedure? Stay *** calm! Wait, wait, wait! Everybody, now *** calm down! No! No, michael, no! Touch the handle.
If it's hot, There could be a fire in the hallway.
What does warm mean? ?? ??? - oh, what next? - don't run! ??? Here's a door.
check that One out.
How's the handle? I-it's warm.
- ??? - well, uh, another option.
Back to our options, jeez! Okay, Settle down, everyone.
No bunching.
Oh, i forgot my purse.
Leave it, woman! - get out of the way.
- go, go, go! Things can be replaced, fellas.
People--human lives-- however, can-- Ah! My hand! That's hot! This one's hot, too! Okay, we're trapped.
Everyone for himself! Okay.
Let's go! - out of my way! - let's go! Get out of my way.
Calm, please.
Get out of the way! Have you ever seen a burn victim? - move it! - okay! Procedure, procedure.
Exit options.
where do we go, folks? Wha--use a what to cover theouth? A what? A rag.
A damp rag, perhaps.
??Remember those procedures.
What are the options? Okay, that's a wrong way.
We've already tried that.
Remember your exit points.
- exit points, people.
- oscar.
- what's next? - oscar! Stay alive, i'm getting help! Pull me up! You're too heavy! I only weigh 82 pounds.
Save bandit! How about 911? Anyone? 911.
What do we do? Use the surge of fear and adrenaline To sharpen your decision-making.
Okay, i am not dying here.
Come on.
What is that? What is that? The fire's shooting at us! What in the name of god is going on?! Yes! Yes, battering ram.
Go, go, go, go, go! Help! I'm about to die! Attention, everyone! Employees of dunder mifflin.
This has been a test of Our emergency preparedness.
There was no fire.
It Was only a simulation.
What?! Fire not real.
This was Merely a training exercise.
So what have we learned? Oh, come on.
- it's not real, stanley.
- ??? - don't have a heart attack.
- no, no, no.
You will not die.
Stanley! Stanley! You will not die.
Stanley.
Stanley.
Barack is president! You are black, stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.
No, no, no.
Don't give Him mouth-to-mouth for this.
- no,?? Open your mouth.
- michael.
michael, michael.
Come on, don't swallow it.
- ?? - michael, michael.
??? Saving him! The office s05 ep13 How could you possibly Think this is a good idea? A lot of ideas were not Appreciated in their time.
- electricity.
- shampoo.
You could have burned Down the whole building.
I just want to say for the Record, i did not kill anyone.
Stanley was attacked by his own heart.
And he should be released from the hospital And back in the office in a couple days.
Did you shout, "fire!", causing a panic? Yes, i shouted, "fire!" I shouted many things.
I also shouted instructions on How to get out of the building, So you can imagine my Frustration as safety officer When nobody would heed of what--heeded-- - ???When no one "hedded"-- - ?? Take "hedded" of.
N-no one would take "hedded" of my instructions.
- heed.
Heed.
Take heed of.
- so you-- - and, well, i don't see my coworkers-- - take heed of.
Hee--heeding this right now.
?? Okay.
This city Dwight.
We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
No, we are mad.
Yes.
We are.
we are livid.
But we are going to let this one slide.
- no, we're not.
- i am not a mind-reader, david.
Look, this is a very serious offense.
We have cause to fire you.
Can you shove down? Instead Shove down, please.
Instead, what i think we should do Is strip you of your title as safety officer.
- no.
- and we should take A part of his pay and donate it To the charity of your choice.
Something that dwight doesn't like.
Peta.
Michael, you have to take Responsibility here.
One of your employees had a heart attack.
He could have died because of the Way you're allowing your office to run.
Do you want that on your conscience? Do you? - michael.
- you talking to me? Yeah.
What? Well I guess we papered over that pretty nicely.
It always amuses me when corporate Thinks they can make some big change With a 20-minute meeting In some fancy high-rise.
What's the matter?You hungry? No, dwight, i am worried.
A man's life is in my hands.
Don't you worry about that.
I got it covered.
Okay? I am planning a bomb scare.
That Should really get the blood pumping.
That's not gonna happen.
I'm tang over as safety man.
What? You? - yes.
- come on.
- i'm a smart guy.
I'll figure it out.
- that's preposterous.
- no, i will.
- ??? Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "oh, this is the place That i might die today.
" That's what a hospital is for.
An office is for not dying.
An office is a place to Live life to the fullest, to the max, to An office is a place where dreams come true.
Don't excite him.
Don't make him excitable.
Welcome back, stanley.
Thank you, michael.
It's true.
Around this office, in the past, i Have been a little abrupt with people.
Not maybe.
Yes or no.
No way.
Uh-uh.
Are you from another planet? Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause i'll help you find it.
Did i stutter? I'm done.
Good-bye.
But the doctor said if i can't find a new Way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
Andy.
A throne for your highness.
I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
No, no, no.
No debate.
You are going to sit in that wheelchair Until you are back on your feet.
??? A, b, c--okay? And that stands for airway, Breathing, and circulation.
Okay, you know what? That Could be a lile confusing Because in sales, a, b, c Means "always be closing.
" This is a farce.
i should Be teaching this course.
Shut it.
Shut it.
We found ourselves on the Less-prepared side of things When stanley had his When his heart went berserk.
And i knew exactly what to do, But in a much moreeal sense, I had no idea what to do.
So i thought we should Have a cpr training class.
And course you can't get the practice dummy Unless the instructor comes along with it.
Red cross, you know, racket.
I can't keep doing this forever.
It's been 20 seconds.
Call it.
Would you like to try next? Absolutely i would not.
You know who i really think should go? Stanley.
Oh, i don't know.
That's not a good idea, Michael.
He needs to rest.
No rest for the sick.
We are not always going to be there To coddle your heart back When it disappears to be working.
What are you gonna do if you're by Yourself and your heart stops? I would die.
And you're okay with that? I'm okay with the logic of it.
Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Get up.
Let's do this.
Yes, i had a heart attack.
I would quit, but i'm too Old to find another job.
And i don't have enough saved to retire.
I feel like i'm working at my own casket.
Come on, stanley.
You're losing You.
You're losing you.
Do it! - michael.
- this is you we're talking about.
- michael.
- okay, okay.
I'll show them.
Here we go.
Stanley.
All right.
So assessing the situation, Are they breathing? No, rose.
They are not breathing.
And they have no arms or legs.
No, that's not part of it.
Where are they? You know what? If we come across Somebody with no arms or legs, Do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality Of life do we have there? I would want to live with no legs.
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how You exist right now, kevin.
You don't do anything.
All right, well, let's get back To it.
'cause you're losing him.
Okay, too fast.
Everyone we need to pump at a Pace of 100 beats per minute.
Okay, that's, uh, hard to keep track.
How many is that per hour? How's that gonna help you? I will divide and then count to it.
Right.
Okay.
Well, a good trick is to pump to The tune of staying alive by the bee gees.
Do you know that song? Yes, yes, i do.
I love that song.
* first i was afraid i was petrified * No, it's-- * ah, ah, ah, ah * - * stayin' alive, stayin' alive * - okay, yes, i got it.
You were in the parking lot Earlier.
That's how i know you.
* ah, ah, ah, ah * * stayin' alive, stayin' alive * * ah, ah, ah, ah * * stayin' alive, stayin' alive * * ah, ah, ah * * oh, you can tell * * by the way i use my walk * * i'm a woman's man, no time to talk * * music loud, women warm * * been kicked around since i was born * * oh, it's all right, it's okay * * you can look the other way * - * loo do do * - okay.
- okay.
okay.
- * da da da da da da da * * stayin' alive, stayinalive * Yeah, okay, you didn't Maintain 100 beats per minute, And the ambulance didn't Arrive because nobody called 911.
So you lost him.
Okay.
He's dead.
Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? I have no idea.
- anyone else? - we bury him.
Wrong.
Check for an organ donor card.
If he has one, we only Have minutes to harvest.
He has no wallet.
I checked.
He is an organ donor.
- he is? - yeah.
Give me some ice and a styrofoam bucket.
Here we go.
- oh, my god! - dwight! Dwight! What are you-- What are you doing?! We search for the organs.
Where's the heart? The precious heart.
I'm not feeling well.
i need to sit down.
Stanley.
- ??? - hey, stanley? Stanley.
Are you okay? - oh, my god! - ?? - oh, my god.
- dwight! - daddy? - dwight! - oh, my god.
Can you tell me why you had to Cut the face off the dummy? I didn't think it was very Realistic in the movie, And it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
We had to pay for it.
Cost us $3,500.
- $5,300 for a dummy? - wow.
Okay, look.
David, this is why we have training.
We start with the dummy, And we learn from our mistakes.
And now dwight knows not to cut The face off of a real person.
Hope you brought your Appetitos, my lady, my tuna.
A little movie popcorn.
Uh, damn it.
This movie, a lot of buzz.
Not coming out for another six months.
Mrs.
Albert hannaday.
So friendship with the nerd Dog has its privileges.
We don't normally download films illegally.
Because we're honest, hard-working people.
And we don't know how.
But andy does, so we have To watch it with him.
Punishment fits the crime.
And i want you to meet my nana.
Nana.
This is sam.
Hi.
Nice to meet you, mrs.
Hannaday.
Please-- call me "lily.
" Let's play bridge.
You can be my partner.
All right Lily.
What's going on? Uh, no one really knows, But pam's parents are going through a little Bit of a rough patch in their marriage.
My dad spent the night at Our place last night.
My parents have been Fighting for weeks and It kinda sucks.
Jim's been great.
But i'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.
He's not saying what he needs to say.
Who? Jack black? Yeah.
I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what They're saying to everyone else, then-- Jim and pam Are, like, movie geniuses.
They're catching things that Are totally going over my head.
Hi, everyone.
Corporate has given dwight two strikes.
They are very, very upset with him.
So as a disciplinary measure, He is going to have to Issue a formal apology.
Dwight, have you prepared Your statement of regret? - i have.
- let's hear it.
"i state my regret.
" You couldn't have memorized that? I could not because i did not feel it.
Okay, everyone.
i am going to need You to sign this statement regret As an acknowledgement that you heard it.
Okay? Everyone come on up Here.
it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
You Almost killed stanley.
Yeah, right.
I filled him full of butter and sugar for Now, take a lesson from stanley and Jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line.
Just form a line right here.
Sign it! ?? Hi, dad.
Yeah, jim has shaving cream.
Check our bathroom.
Lily? I'm in here.
I, uh-- I'm sorry, i didn't, uh-- Realize you were in the bath.
Do you want me to go? I want you to stay.
Give me a break.
I know it, man.
You know, lily was supposed To be nicole kidman.
Um, and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother.
But then nicole kidman dropped out So they went with cloris leachman With a small rewrite.
??Get that in there.
- oh, yeah.
- get that done already.
I know, but if i get it deeper-- What is-- He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Wha--brea-- Breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast.
Unless soup--does soup symbolize breakfast? So he doesn't share with his daughter, But he shares with his daughter's fiance? Okay, you guys-- they're making out.
- hey.
- hey.
Did my dad say anything about my mom? Mmm, nope.
We mostly Just talked about cereal.
What? I don't know.
I mean, maybe he'll talk to You about some of this stuff 'Cause he can't really talk to me about it.
- mmm.
- you're good to talk to.
I'm okay.
I'm not great.
And, um Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style, like me.
Ommy god, If you're wearing a dress, Please keep your knees together.
Nobody wants to see that.
Om.
My goal is to make this office as peaceful A place for stanley hudson as i can.
I think sounds have a lot to do with that.
Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds.
That one makes me think Of death.
That's kind of nice.
It is a beautiful, sunny day As we walk through the meadow.
It is very spiritual and relaxing, And there are flowers, and It is sunny and beautiful.
Now, up ahead, a castle in the distance.
Don't open your eyes.
What? Ohh.
And you walk up toward the castle, And inside the castle are four men.
And each of them-- none Of them have shoes.
And they give you a funny cigarette, And you feel even more relaxed.
And then you want ice cream.
You want a big bowl of ice cream.
So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out.
Chunky monkey.
- too expensive.
- chocolate.
Racism is dead,stanley.
You can have any kind Of ice cream you want.
What do you want? What is that? People.
Please,i told you to get Rid of the cell phones.
It's my biofeedback machine.
Oh,okay.
What is that? Like a video game? It alerts me when my Stress level goes up So i can try to calm down.
You have stress? Yes.
During our relaxation exercise? Let me get you some water.
No,no,i'll help you.
I'll help you up.
- here we go.
Here we go.
- no,michael.
- let me get you up.
- would you step back?Please.
- okay.
All right.
- please.
- a little further.
- okay.
I think that thing is on the fritz.
Oscar.
Would you reach over And touch his thing? That's what he said.
Right,guys? 'Cause of gay.
Let's give this a shot.
Hello-- Michael,i think you're what's Stressing everybody out.
So it wasn't dwight after all.
Looks like i am the killer.
You never expect that you're the killer.
It's a great twist.
Great twist.
Dunder mifflin,this is pam.
Oh.
Hey,mom.
No.
What did dad say? What did you say to mdad? What? After you talked,he called my mom And said he was gonna Look for an apartment.
Oh,my god.
Pam,i don't kno I--nothing.
Truly,nothing.
I mean,i--i just was honest With him and i-- I'm so sorry,i--i don't know.
I'll call him again.
So It was her parents or my parents.
What could jim have said To make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage Is he gonna say it to me? I don't get it.
Do i stress you out? Nothing stresses me out.
Except having to seek the Approval of mynferiors.
Speaking of which-- Remember when people used to say "boss" When they were describing Something that was really cool? Like "those shoulder pads Are really boss,man.
" "look at that perm.
That perm is so boss.
" It's what made me want To become a boss.
And i looked so good in A perm and shoulder pads.
But now,boss is just slang Fo"jerk in charge.
" Okay,everybody.
I figured it out.
The reason that you are all So stressed around me Is that you are too Intimidated to tell me What you really think.
You are keeping these feelings inside, And that is causing stress.
So what is a solution? Solution is honesty, Laughter,and comedy.
In short-- A vacation.
It--what? No.
no, I am talking about a roast! Of michael scott.
Oh,come on! Who here has the comedy Central roast channel? You've seen it,right? Everybody gets together, And you start hurling Insults at the one guy, And everybody's laughing, And everybody is hugging each other.
Michael,are you serious? You really want us to roast you? Mmm,si senor.
- that's offensive.
- it's not! It's not offensive during a roast.
Anything goes.
And i want you guys to really Get cracking on this.
I want you to take me down.
Don't hold back.
I want you to really make fun Of anything about me.
It could be my race, Could be the fact that i'mo fit, Or i'm a womanizer.
Fair game.
Whatever.
I don't want to write Your stuff for you.
But i just want it to be good.
Oh,my god.
Oh,man.
Oh,my god.
I consider myself a good person.
But i'm gonna try to make him cry.
I can already feel people's Stress srting to melt.
I think they're very excited About paying their respects this way.
I have got to make sure?? May i have your attention? Please sign in.
Sign in on the sign-in sheet.
The clipboard.
This meeting is mandatory.
If you do not sign in, Your name will not be counted.
Thank you.
Hey.
This is your apology letter.
That was the last signature i needed.
Whoo! Welcome,welcome, Welcome! Welcome,welcome! You are all jerks.
Just kidding.
Not yet,anyway.
Welcome to the roast Of mr.
Michael scott.
If you are here for The gravowski wedding, It is the second door on the left.
So we all know how these work.
Needs to get crazy.
Take your best shots.
I am going to sit right over "chair" And,uh,whoever wants to Come up and roast me, You may.
Okay.
Lower the mic for the midget.
If you ever wondered Whether you were michael scott, Here's a quiz to help.
If you ever put sunblock on a window, You might be michael scott.
I normally don't enjoy Making people laugh.
If you ever called The fire department 'Cause you--your head was Stuck in your chair, You might be--michael scott.
I don't go make burgers where you work And then tell you how to make burgers.
I have made a list of people That i would make out with Before i would make out With michael scott.
A turtle.
A fridge.
Anybody from the warehouse.
A wood chipper.
Kevin.
A candle.
And lord voldemort.
Anyway,happy birthday,michael! Yeah.
You'd be so lucky! Good one.
Michael-- You ran over me with your car.
You posted a picture of my bare boobs On the bulletin board With a caption that said,"gross.
" Michael,you are the reason i drink.
You are the reason i live to forget.
@#$%&*! Nope.
No! Friends only.
Friends only! Several times a day, Michael says words that Are way beyond my vocabulary.
- i know where this is going.
- do you? - no.
- okay.
Remember spider face? - nope.
- okay.
'Cause the quote was,"cut off Your nose to spider face.
" Spid--okay.
Yeah.
Yep.
How dare you all attack him like this.
Oh,stop it,dwight.
Michael is your superior.
No,no,no.
- okay,you should be bowing Down in front of him.
-dwight,you're supposed to do it this way.
Okay,no,they don't understand who they have.
- that is the way you're Supposed to do it,idiot.
- you're interrupting me.
- i am trying to get your back.
- idiot.
Idiot.
- idiot.
- are you calling me an idiot? - idiot.
- don't you ever talk to me that way.
You pathetic,short little man.
You don't have any friends Or any family or any land.
Yeah! Well,i just want to take a minute To talk to y all about Something very serious.
Once every hour, Someone is involved in an internet scam.
That m is michael scott.
He's supporting about Hey,you know what? Forgive me for caring,right? Well,you know, Michael is a great delegator.
He never does any work himself--ever.
And one time I walked in on him naked.
And his thing is so small.
How small is it? If it were an ipod, It would be a shuffle.
Uh,can i make just A little announcement? In a professional roast, Usually the roaster will Say something nice About the roastee After they're done.
Something about How much they love them, So just keep that in mind.
Mike claims we're all a family.
- isn't that right? - we are!We are a family.
Oh,okay.
So,um What's his name? All the way in the back,there.
Oh,very funny.
Mmm.
What's his name? I'm thinking roy.
Roy left years ago.
What's his name? I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Michael,i gave you A ride home last week And we spent an hour in traffic.
What's his name? Jefferson.
Nope.
His name is michael.
* what i hate about you * * you really suck as a boss * * you're the losiest,jerkiest * * and you're dumber than applesauce * * we're stuck listening to you all day * * stanley tried to die just to get away * * well,it's true * * that's what i hate about you * * that's what i hate about you * * you * And now, A man who deserves no introduction, Michael scott.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
that was great.
Great job,some great laughs.
Really Really went after my intelligence,there.
Dozens of online i.
q.
Tests might prove you wrong, But And my thing isn't tiny.
It's average,so.
Get your facts straight.
So when i heard that There was going to be A roast in my honor,i thought-- Sorry.
I have a frog in my throat.
I decided to jot down Some quick thoughts about you people.
First up,uh,phyllis and kevin.
Dunder mifflin,this is pam.
Uh,i'm sorry.
Michael's not here right now.
Can i take a message? Great.
I will.
Thanks.
It's very unusual for michael Not to show up to work.
My guess-- he's either deeply depressed Or an icicle has snapped off His roof and impaled his brain.
He has this terrible habit Of standing directly underneath them And staring up at them.
And i always say,"michael, Ta two steps back And stare at the icicle from the side.
" And he's like,"no,i Like the way they look From standing directly Underneath them.
" It was only a matter of time.
Michael is so dumb That he tries to put his m&ms In alphabetical order.
All right,kevin.
Enough with the michael jokes.
I think he got it Bad enough yesterday.
I'm almost done.
That reeks,and i'm trying to eat.
Attention,everyone.
I've just Got a text from michael.
He says,"personnel day.
" Are we hiring? Yep.
You're being replaced.
I think he meant "personal day.
" I don't know.
That's quite a leap,pam.
I hope he's okay.
I feel bad.
Give it up.
He's dead.
Well,he just sent a text.
What's a text? You know,sometimes, To get perspective, I like to think about A spaceman on a star Incredibly far away.
And our problems Don't matter to him Because we're just A distant point of light.
But he feels sorry for me.
Because he has an incredibly Powerful microscope And he can see my face.
I'm okay.
No,i'm not.
Uh,phyllis,there's a package for you.
Sign here.
Okay.
Got it.
Sam.
Sam,sam.
It's not that you dumped My granddaughter, And it's not that You want children.
It--it's that you lied to me.
Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh! I' never trust you.
Lily,no.
Oh! Lily! Lily,please! Lily,stop! I don't care how much Time we have left.
I don't care what my friends say.
And i don't care what your mom thinks.
Frankly,i'm pretty sure She's not making any sense.
Please.
Move back to my apartment.
Lily.
I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving up.
Lily.
Lily! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button! Sam.
Lily! Sam.
Hey,dad.
No,i know.
Mom told me.
Okay.
Yeah,i'll see you then.
So what did he say? Was it my fault? Yeah.
He said that you told him How much you love me.
About how you feel When i walk in a room, And about how you've never Doubted for a second That i'm the woman you want to Spend the rest of your life with.
And i guess he's never Felt that with my mom, Even at their best.
You okay? Yeah.
When you're a kid,you assume Your parents are soul mates.
My kids are gonna Be right about that.
I guess it also means That sometimes love Affairs look different To the people inside them.
I'm not insightful enough To be a movie critic.
Maybe i could be a food critic.
These muffins taste bad.
Or an art critic.
That painting is bad.
Michael.
It's really good to see you.
Why are you wearing a turtleneck? Are you all right? Michael,i feel i was A little harsh yesterday.
- yeah.
- yeah,we're really sorry.
I,um,i spent The afternoon in the park Trying to feed the pigeons.
I guess they all flew West for the winter.
And i-- i just had some thoughts That i wanted to Share with you people.
- what? - well,i wrote 'em down So i wouldn't forget.
Jim,you're 6'11" And you weigh 90 pounds.
Gumby has a better body than you.
Boom.
Roasted.
Dwight,you're a kiss-ass.
Boom.
Roasted.
Pam,you failed art school.
Boom.
Roasted.
Meredith,you've slept With so many guys, You're starting to look like one.
Boom.
Roasted.
Kevin,i can't decide Between a fat joke and A dumb joke.
Boom.
Roasted.
Creed,your teeth called.
Your breath stinks.
Boom.
Roasted.
Angela.
Where's angela? Well,there you are.
I didn't see you behind That grain of rice.
Boom.
Roasted.
Stanley,you crush your wife During sex and your heart sucks.
Boom.
Roasted.
Oscar,you are-- Oscar--ha ha ha! You're gay.
Andy,cornell called.
They think you suck.
And you're gayer than oscar.
- boom.
Roasted.
- boom.
Roasted.
All right.
All right,everybody.
You know i kid.
You know i kid.
You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business.
So,uh,goodnight,god bless.
God bless america.
And get home safe.
They say that laughter Is the best medicine, So stanley,you can throw Away those pills.
You are cured.
Actually,you s-- Better hold on to the pills just in case.