Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e14 Episode Script
Crush
- Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - Look atyou.
- All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
- Because you are.
"They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it, so they sent the Key to her in the form of a sister.
" - I'm not real.
- You're the Key.
Go! Before she finds you.
Don't She's here! Ben.
He was trying to help me.
He might have left before Glory came.
I can't remember.
§ I'm amused § By the overwhelming choices § I guess the hardest part § Is knowing when to stop § Yeah, I'm confused § And I think I'm hearing voices § Things are happening so fast § Do I save the best for last? Bleeding crime is what it is.
Jacking up the bar price to pay for fixing up this sinkhole.
Not my fault the insurance doesn't cover "act of troll".
Gee, maybe it's time you found a new place to patronise.
I've half a mind to, since the flowering onion got remodelled right off the sodding menu.
It's the only thing this place had going for it.
- What are you doing? - What do you mean, "What am I"? Here.
At this table.
Talking to me.
Like we're some kind of talking buddies.
Well, I saw you sitting here alone.
Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, you know, company.
Suityourself.
Well we took on that Glory chippy together.
I was right there with you, fighting the fight.
Or sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.
Still, points for intent.
You'd thinkthat would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack.
- Earn me a little consideration, respect.
- Hey, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.
Bugger it.
Xander, I think you hurt his feelings.
And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.
You know, that's actually some pretty good advice.
Who's up for more liquid refreshments? I'm buying, for I am Payday Man.
I could use a water.
Water poses no challenge for Payday Man, for I have Hey, where's my change? Spike, you diabolical fiend.
Poor Will.
Still getting those headaches? Fewer and further between, but they're still exercising their visitation rights.
Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first We have squat in the way of Glory-fighting arsenal.
Another run-in with her, and headaches and nosebleeds will be the least of our problems.
This is my first R and R in weeks.
Can we go one night without saying the name Glory? I'm down with that.
Let's call She Who Will Not Be Named another name.
Let's call her - Ben! - For example.
I'll be right back.
- Ben! Hey! - Buffy, hi.
I barely recognised you withoutyour hospital scrubs.
Oh, you'd be surprised at the extent of my wardrobe.
- Really? - I have entire outfits that aren't blue pyjamas.
My sister told me what happened at the hospital before I got there.
- Uh-huh.
- And I just wanted to say thanks.
For looking after her.
That's OK.
I'm glad Dawn's all right.
- The point is, I work hard for that money.
- And you're saying I didn't? - You stole it.
- And you're making it into very hard work.
Listen, Bleach Boy, I don't have a chip in my head.
I can do far more damage to you than you can ever do to me.
Yeah? Like you could ever hurt me.
Sunnydale Station! Last stop this line! Oh, God! Oh, please! Help me! Somebody, please! Help me! Buffy? - I'm back by popular demand.
- Did you have a nice time? You know, I think I did.
Much needed fun.
Apart from Willow's headaches and Spike's cameo appearance.
- Spike was there? - Unfortunately.
Well, I'm relieved thatyou're home.
Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone.
At first.
And then I remembered that Rupert was here and I felt much, much safer.
Yes, well, thank you for the little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a slayer in the house.
Good night.
Good night.
- So how is Dawn? - She's coping very well.
Extremely well, really, considering the extraordinary circumstances of her origin.
Then let me ask you something.
We've been going easy on her the last week, letting things slide.
- I don't thinkthat's at all wise.
- You don't? The best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have.
Any special treatment at this stage will undermine Dawn's sense of normality.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Thanks.
Dawn! - What? - What did I say about borrowing my clothes? - I didn't.
- Bull! - I never touched your stuff.
- Then what happened to my blue sweater? Spikey? - Aren'tyou coming to bed? - I'm not tired.
Me neither.
Don'tyou wanna come in and tire me out? Harm, I'm really not in the mood right now.
You're never in the mood.
- We could do something different tonight.
- Like you stop yammering for two seconds? Well, we could I don't know maybe play a game? Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen Oh, Spike! I don't see why he couldn't end up with Esmeralda.
They could have the wedding right there, beneath the very bell tower where he laboured thanklessly for all those years.
No, it can't end like that, cos Quasimodo's actions were selfishly motivated.
He had no moral compass, no understanding of right.
Everything he did was out of love for a woman who would never love him.
Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy.
- What do you think, Buffy? - The test isn't till tomorrow, right? - I don't have an opinion till then.
- Butyou read it, right? Kinda not.
I rented the movie.
Oh, with Charles Laughton? - I dunno.
He one of the singing gargoyles? - Oh, boy.
What? I'm kidding! - You're done with this? - Yeah, hi, kind of reading that "Six found murdered on train at Sunnydale Station.
" Glory? "Unconfirmed reports of severe trauma to the throats of one or more of the victims.
" Survey says vampire.
Oh, it's you.
What are you doing here, lurking about? I'm not lurking.
I'm looking.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
So is that how you get around town in the daytime? I mean, does that lead into the sewers or something? - Can you show me? - No.
Why are you? Does Buffy know you're here? Yeah, right.
Nothing would make her happier than to find out I'm hanging out in a vampire's lair.
- Especially yours.
- Go home, then.
- I don't feel like it.
- You can't bloody well stay here.
- Why not? - Because I've got things to do.
Bad, evil things! That are not for a child's eyes.
I'm not a child.
I'm not even human.
Not originally.
Yeah, well, originally I was.
I got over it.
Doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out.
That's smart.
I get that.
I like how you talkto me like I can understand things.
Everyone else is being all twitchy and secretive.
They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect.
I feel safe with you.
- Take that back! - I mean, you have the superpower thing.
You're just as tough as Buffy is, maybe tougher.
- Buffy thinks so too.
- She does? Well, she's always worried about what she'll do if you ever get that chip out of your head.
Is that right? So, what else does Buffy say about me? - Hey! - Dawn? No, it's me.
- Is Dawn with you? - Isn't she here? No, she didn't come home from school.
The news said something about people murdered.
It's not Glory.
It has nothing to do with Dawn, I promise.
Look, she probably I'll find her.
And the lady just invited you in? Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite.
And did you? Let him live? What do you think? - Too much for you? - No.
Keep going.
And I kill 'em.
Right quick, the whole lot.
But there's someone missing.
There's supposed to be this little girl.
So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin.
This little sigh.
So I listened harder.
It's very, very quiet - Bloody hell! - Spike, I need your help.
Dawn is here.
Spike was telling a story, and he was at this really cool part What the hell is this? What is she doing here? - Just hanging out.
- Here? Can you please let him finish the story? Then you could do the lecture? Yeah.
OK.
Let's hear the story that Spike is telling my little sister.
Right.
Yeah.
So, I knewthe girl was in the coal bin, and rip it open, very violent, haul her out of there and then I give her to a good family in a nice home, where they're never ever mean to her, and didn't lock her in the coal bin.
What? That's so lame! I was just about to send her home.
I knew you'd be fretting.
Dawn, getyour stuff.
We're getting out of here.
Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
Cos it was Spike! Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn.
OK? It is dangerous, and icky.
- I don't think Spike's icky.
- Yeah, well, think again, sister.
- You have a crush on him.
- No, I don't! It's just, he's got cool hair, and he wears cool leather coats and stuff.
- And he doesn't treat me like an alien.
- He's a killer, Dawn.
You cannot have a crush on something that is dead, and evil, and a vampire.
Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Angel's different.
He has a soul.
Spike has a chip.
Same diff.
I can't listen to this! Spike is a monster, OK? And plus you are only 14 years old.
I like hanging out with him is all.
And even if I had a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years.
Not with you around.
- What does that mean? - Spike's totally into you.
Oh, come on.
You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike's completely in love with you.
- So tell me again what we're looking for? - Clues.
OK.
Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues? Something.
Anything.
Just wanna know if this was a vamp attack.
And if it was, how many we're talking about.
Well, Sunnydale's finest didn't leave us a lot of stuff to examine, and who knows how many people have traipsed through here.
- Xander? - What? Never mind.
It's just that Dawn said that - Yeah? - Forget it.
Buffy.
She thinks that She said that Spike's in love with me.
- I'm not joking.
- Oh, I hope not.
It's funnier if it's true.
I'm serious.
Xander, this is serious! All right.
- It's creepy.
- No.
Not creepy.
Cos it's not real! How upset can you get over one of Spike's fevered daydreams that's not gonna happen? - I guess.
- So, where did Dawn? How did she come to this extremely entertaining conclusion? She was hanging out with Spike.
I think she has a crush on him.
- What? - I knew he had a weird fixation with me I'm the one she has a crush on! Me! - There's nothing here.
Let's go.
- It's always been me! Big funny Xander! What, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one any more? Why is that OK? But what they didn't get was that it was a copy of the bill of lading.
So they thought it was another order form.
So now I've got two shipments of Greek amphorae on my hands! That's funny.
And, really, how many do you need? Amphorae? Oh, Buffy.
Spike came by to apologise for yesterday.
Our missing-child drama.
And he just decided to hang out for a while? Well, I got talking about the gallery.
See, there was this Don't get us all laughing again, Joyce.
Anyhow, I really need to talkto your eldest.
What about? I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing.
Sorry, all out of cash.
Why don'tyou hit on Giles hit up Giles? I got a bead on the guy who killed those people.
The ones on the train.
- Do tell.
- I'll do better than that.
I'll show.
What's the matter? Nothing.
Just Two vamps holed up in a warehouse downtown.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks.
Hey! It's not blood, it's bourbon.
Suityourself.
§ I wanna be sedated Do you like the Ramones? So if you're not doing this for the money, why are y? Slayer.
Well that was sad.
I'm embarrassed for our kind.
So should we chase after 'em, then? They couldn't have gone far.
These vamps have been here for a while.
They've nested.
So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters? No.
I'm saying they had nothing to do with last night's murders.
How do you figure? Whoever did it only arrived in town last night.
Looks like you've wasted my time.
What are you doing? I wasn't thinking.
- What is this? - Oh, don't getyour knickers twisted.
I was What is this? The late-night stakeout? The bogus suspects? The flask? - Is this a date? - A d? Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean Do you want it to be? Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
- Are you out of your mind? - It's not so unusual.
Two people in the workplace - Feelings develop.
- No! No.
No, feelings do not develop.
No feelings.
You can't deny it.
There's something between us.
Loathing.
Disgust.
Heat.
Desire.
- Please! Spike, you're a vampire.
- Angel was a vampire.
- Angel was good.
- And I can be too.
I've changed, Buffy.
What, that chip in your head? That's not change.
That's just holding you back.
You're like a serial killer in prison! Women marry 'em all the time! But I'm not like that.
Something's happening to me.
I can't stop thinking aboutyou.
And if that means turning my back on evil You don't know whatyou mean! You don't know what feelings are! I damn well do! I lie awake every night! - You sleep during the day! - Yeah, but You are missing the point.
This is real here.
- I love - Don't! Don't say it.
- I'm going.
- Oh, come on, we need to talk We don't need to do anything! OK? There is no "we"! Understand? Buffy Who's there? A happy memory, pretty Spike.
Look who's come to make everything right again.
So, let me get this straight.
Darla got mojoed back from the beyond, you vamped her, and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again.
- Sounds fun.
- It is.
Like lollipops at the circus.
Although didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire.
And this has gotyou, what, all nostalgic now, has it? I want us to be a family again, my William.
Come back with me.
To Los Angeles? I've done the whole LA scene, Dru.
Didn't agree with me.
Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny D.
Decent digs not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat.
Naughty.
You needn't make up stories.
I already know why you're not coming.
Poor boy.
Tin soldiers put funny little knick-knacks in your brain.
Can't hunt.
Can't hurt.
Can't kill.
You've got a chip.
Right, so you've heard.
Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!" I don't believe in science.
All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen.
I trust eyes and heart alone.
And do you know what mine is singing out right now? You're a killer.
Born to slash and bash and bleed, like beautiful poetry.
No little Tinkertoy could ever stop you from flowing.
Yeah.
But the pain Love, you don't understand.
It's searing.
It's blinding.
All in your head.
I can see it.
Little bit of plastic, spider-webbing out nasty blue shocks.
And every one is a lie.
Electricity lies, Spike.
It tells you you're not a bad dog, butyou are.
- What the heck is this? - Oh, bloody hell.
Who is? Oh, wait.
I get it.
Our little sex game was just the beginning.
Now you pick up some cheap queen of the damned to dress as your precious Droodzilla.
Harm You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking.
My answer is the same as always.
No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl.
Or Charlize Theron.
Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
Well.
You've got some nerve showing up here like this.
After all this time.
After breaking my sweet boo-boo's heart.
Do you have any idea how hard it's been to break down the walls he put up after you left? - I mean, serious trust issues.
- Harm So it's no use crawling backto him, cos he don't play that game any more, Morticia.
It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road.
Why? Because she's back? No.
Because I am.
And there you are, my darling, deadly boy.
Well, he actually told you? He said "I love you"? Well, I didn't let him get that far, but I could see the words coming.
Honey, did you somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Send him signals? Well, I do beat him up a lot.
For Spike that's like third base.
Buffy, I'm really worried.
So am I.
He could become dangerous.
Not really.
As long as it's still chips ahoy in Spike's head, he can't hurt me, or any of us.
Besides, this'll probably just blow over.
You know? It's just a weird Spike thing.
He'll have the hots for some gak demon before we know it.
I don't know.
These things can become pretty twisted.
- Yeah, and Spike, I mean, he's - Pretty twisted.
Yeah.
Well, you made it clear, right? That it could never happen.
- That there's no possible way.
Ever.
- Yeah! I think so.
I don't know.
I was just so thrown.
- Well, Buffy, you have to talkto him again.
- What? No.
No, no, I have to avoid him again.
Not until you shut him down completely.
If he thinks there's even a little chance with you, there's no telling what he'll do.
§ And this time § I'm staying § To bury the trail thatyou left § You left § And if I was cold § Well, then you would § Stay inside me § Warm me § Here I stay I knowthis is hard, butyou made the right decision.
Better to nip this in the bud before - The bud nips me? - Exactly.
If you want, Buffy, I can go with.
Back you up with some scowling.
Thanks, but I think this is something I have to do myself.
Besides, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead.
Here's hoping.
You know what, though? There is one thing you can do for me while I'm gone.
§ I told you § Just like I told everyone § I still have some doubts § Thatyou are the reason § Still this is just so hard § Cos I knowthat I'll be left § Like always § Always § Here I'm safe § So here I stay § Lift me out § Lift the doubt Spike? Are you here? Spike? See anything interesting? Spike I What - What happened? - Me.
You remember my ex, don'tyou, Slayer? Come back, she did.
Couldn't live without me.
My boy's been feeding again.
But I know what he really wants to eat.
Shall we tie her up? Play with her a teensy bit first? I'm through playing.
I like it when you're all dour and straight-to-business, like.
Bloody well through playing.
There she is.
I was beginning to think you'd sleep the night away.
Dru Drusilla? Not nice to change the game in mid-play, Spike.
You've taken my chair and the music hasn't stopped.
Sorry, pet.
My house, my rules.
I think I shall be very cross with you when I'm free again.
- What's going on? - Simple.
I'm gonna prove something.
I love you.
- Oh, my God.
- No, look at me.
I love you.
You're all I bloody think about.
Dream about.
You're in my gut, in my throat.
I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.
I can do without the laugh track, Dru.
But it's so funny.
I knew before you did.
I knew you loved the Slayer.
The pixies in my head whispered it to me You can't tell me there isn't anything between you and me.
I know you feel something.
It's called revulsion.
And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love.
You can't love without a soul.
Oh, we can, you know.
We can love quite well if not wisely.
You still don't believe.
You still don't think I mean it.
You want proof? How's this? I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you.
It doesn't prove anything.
Except thatyou're a sick vampire I should have dusted long ago.
- And hey, already there.
- Don't mockthis.
- Go mock yourself.
- This is Drusilla, girl! Do you have the slightest idea what she means to me? It's the face of my salvation! She delivered me from mediocrity.
For over a century we cut a swath through continents.
A hundred years, she never stopped surprising me.
Never stopped taking me to new depths.
I was a lucky bloke.
Just to touch such a black beauty.
So you see, it means something.
Not to me.
Kill her.
Why do I care? Here's why.
If you don't admit that there's something there some tiny feeling for me then I'll untie Dru and let her kill you instead.
Yes, please.
I like that game much more.
Just give me something.
A crumb.
The barest smidgen.
Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Spike The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me? - Which question shall I answer first? - I'm at the end of my bleeding tether.
I don't even know why I even bother.
It's your fault.
You're the one to blame for all this.
- Am I? - Bloody rightyou are! If you hadn't left me for that chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had a sodding chip in my skull! And you wouldn't be able to touch me.
Because this, with you, is wrong.
I know it.
I'm not a complete idiot.
You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell.
You say you hate it, butyou won't leave.
You know, what I should just do is get rid of both of you.
Burn you.
Cutyou into little pieces, so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi - Oh, great.
- What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The actual girlfriend? I gave you the best bunch of months of my life! That's right, little girl.
Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
- Oh, so now you're all ganging up? - I thought I could change you, Spike.
I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around.
Maybe be a little nicer.
Stop treating me like your dog.
But now I see it's you.
You're the dog, who needs to be put You're on my hair.
Poor Spike.
So lost.
Even I can't help you now.
Oh, Spikey.
And you can say goodbye to this.
Because you're not gonna see it any more.
Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you.
But even then, I'll probably just, you know, back away.
Buffy? Come on now, stop! You can't just walk away from this.
- What part did you not understand? - We had a fight.
It doesn't change anything.
It changes everything, Spike! I wantyou out.
I wantyou out of this town, I wantyou off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends or my family again, ever! Understand? No.
It's not that easy.
We have something, Buffy.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
And there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm in your life.
You can't just shut me out
- All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
- Because you are.
"They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it, so they sent the Key to her in the form of a sister.
" - I'm not real.
- You're the Key.
Go! Before she finds you.
Don't She's here! Ben.
He was trying to help me.
He might have left before Glory came.
I can't remember.
§ I'm amused § By the overwhelming choices § I guess the hardest part § Is knowing when to stop § Yeah, I'm confused § And I think I'm hearing voices § Things are happening so fast § Do I save the best for last? Bleeding crime is what it is.
Jacking up the bar price to pay for fixing up this sinkhole.
Not my fault the insurance doesn't cover "act of troll".
Gee, maybe it's time you found a new place to patronise.
I've half a mind to, since the flowering onion got remodelled right off the sodding menu.
It's the only thing this place had going for it.
- What are you doing? - What do you mean, "What am I"? Here.
At this table.
Talking to me.
Like we're some kind of talking buddies.
Well, I saw you sitting here alone.
Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, you know, company.
Suityourself.
Well we took on that Glory chippy together.
I was right there with you, fighting the fight.
Or sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.
Still, points for intent.
You'd thinkthat would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack.
- Earn me a little consideration, respect.
- Hey, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.
Bugger it.
Xander, I think you hurt his feelings.
And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.
You know, that's actually some pretty good advice.
Who's up for more liquid refreshments? I'm buying, for I am Payday Man.
I could use a water.
Water poses no challenge for Payday Man, for I have Hey, where's my change? Spike, you diabolical fiend.
Poor Will.
Still getting those headaches? Fewer and further between, but they're still exercising their visitation rights.
Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first We have squat in the way of Glory-fighting arsenal.
Another run-in with her, and headaches and nosebleeds will be the least of our problems.
This is my first R and R in weeks.
Can we go one night without saying the name Glory? I'm down with that.
Let's call She Who Will Not Be Named another name.
Let's call her - Ben! - For example.
I'll be right back.
- Ben! Hey! - Buffy, hi.
I barely recognised you withoutyour hospital scrubs.
Oh, you'd be surprised at the extent of my wardrobe.
- Really? - I have entire outfits that aren't blue pyjamas.
My sister told me what happened at the hospital before I got there.
- Uh-huh.
- And I just wanted to say thanks.
For looking after her.
That's OK.
I'm glad Dawn's all right.
- The point is, I work hard for that money.
- And you're saying I didn't? - You stole it.
- And you're making it into very hard work.
Listen, Bleach Boy, I don't have a chip in my head.
I can do far more damage to you than you can ever do to me.
Yeah? Like you could ever hurt me.
Sunnydale Station! Last stop this line! Oh, God! Oh, please! Help me! Somebody, please! Help me! Buffy? - I'm back by popular demand.
- Did you have a nice time? You know, I think I did.
Much needed fun.
Apart from Willow's headaches and Spike's cameo appearance.
- Spike was there? - Unfortunately.
Well, I'm relieved thatyou're home.
Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone.
At first.
And then I remembered that Rupert was here and I felt much, much safer.
Yes, well, thank you for the little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a slayer in the house.
Good night.
Good night.
- So how is Dawn? - She's coping very well.
Extremely well, really, considering the extraordinary circumstances of her origin.
Then let me ask you something.
We've been going easy on her the last week, letting things slide.
- I don't thinkthat's at all wise.
- You don't? The best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have.
Any special treatment at this stage will undermine Dawn's sense of normality.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Thanks.
Dawn! - What? - What did I say about borrowing my clothes? - I didn't.
- Bull! - I never touched your stuff.
- Then what happened to my blue sweater? Spikey? - Aren'tyou coming to bed? - I'm not tired.
Me neither.
Don'tyou wanna come in and tire me out? Harm, I'm really not in the mood right now.
You're never in the mood.
- We could do something different tonight.
- Like you stop yammering for two seconds? Well, we could I don't know maybe play a game? Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen Oh, Spike! I don't see why he couldn't end up with Esmeralda.
They could have the wedding right there, beneath the very bell tower where he laboured thanklessly for all those years.
No, it can't end like that, cos Quasimodo's actions were selfishly motivated.
He had no moral compass, no understanding of right.
Everything he did was out of love for a woman who would never love him.
Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy.
- What do you think, Buffy? - The test isn't till tomorrow, right? - I don't have an opinion till then.
- Butyou read it, right? Kinda not.
I rented the movie.
Oh, with Charles Laughton? - I dunno.
He one of the singing gargoyles? - Oh, boy.
What? I'm kidding! - You're done with this? - Yeah, hi, kind of reading that "Six found murdered on train at Sunnydale Station.
" Glory? "Unconfirmed reports of severe trauma to the throats of one or more of the victims.
" Survey says vampire.
Oh, it's you.
What are you doing here, lurking about? I'm not lurking.
I'm looking.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
So is that how you get around town in the daytime? I mean, does that lead into the sewers or something? - Can you show me? - No.
Why are you? Does Buffy know you're here? Yeah, right.
Nothing would make her happier than to find out I'm hanging out in a vampire's lair.
- Especially yours.
- Go home, then.
- I don't feel like it.
- You can't bloody well stay here.
- Why not? - Because I've got things to do.
Bad, evil things! That are not for a child's eyes.
I'm not a child.
I'm not even human.
Not originally.
Yeah, well, originally I was.
I got over it.
Doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out.
That's smart.
I get that.
I like how you talkto me like I can understand things.
Everyone else is being all twitchy and secretive.
They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect.
I feel safe with you.
- Take that back! - I mean, you have the superpower thing.
You're just as tough as Buffy is, maybe tougher.
- Buffy thinks so too.
- She does? Well, she's always worried about what she'll do if you ever get that chip out of your head.
Is that right? So, what else does Buffy say about me? - Hey! - Dawn? No, it's me.
- Is Dawn with you? - Isn't she here? No, she didn't come home from school.
The news said something about people murdered.
It's not Glory.
It has nothing to do with Dawn, I promise.
Look, she probably I'll find her.
And the lady just invited you in? Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite.
And did you? Let him live? What do you think? - Too much for you? - No.
Keep going.
And I kill 'em.
Right quick, the whole lot.
But there's someone missing.
There's supposed to be this little girl.
So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin.
This little sigh.
So I listened harder.
It's very, very quiet - Bloody hell! - Spike, I need your help.
Dawn is here.
Spike was telling a story, and he was at this really cool part What the hell is this? What is she doing here? - Just hanging out.
- Here? Can you please let him finish the story? Then you could do the lecture? Yeah.
OK.
Let's hear the story that Spike is telling my little sister.
Right.
Yeah.
So, I knewthe girl was in the coal bin, and rip it open, very violent, haul her out of there and then I give her to a good family in a nice home, where they're never ever mean to her, and didn't lock her in the coal bin.
What? That's so lame! I was just about to send her home.
I knew you'd be fretting.
Dawn, getyour stuff.
We're getting out of here.
Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
Cos it was Spike! Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn.
OK? It is dangerous, and icky.
- I don't think Spike's icky.
- Yeah, well, think again, sister.
- You have a crush on him.
- No, I don't! It's just, he's got cool hair, and he wears cool leather coats and stuff.
- And he doesn't treat me like an alien.
- He's a killer, Dawn.
You cannot have a crush on something that is dead, and evil, and a vampire.
Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Angel's different.
He has a soul.
Spike has a chip.
Same diff.
I can't listen to this! Spike is a monster, OK? And plus you are only 14 years old.
I like hanging out with him is all.
And even if I had a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years.
Not with you around.
- What does that mean? - Spike's totally into you.
Oh, come on.
You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike's completely in love with you.
- So tell me again what we're looking for? - Clues.
OK.
Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues? Something.
Anything.
Just wanna know if this was a vamp attack.
And if it was, how many we're talking about.
Well, Sunnydale's finest didn't leave us a lot of stuff to examine, and who knows how many people have traipsed through here.
- Xander? - What? Never mind.
It's just that Dawn said that - Yeah? - Forget it.
Buffy.
She thinks that She said that Spike's in love with me.
- I'm not joking.
- Oh, I hope not.
It's funnier if it's true.
I'm serious.
Xander, this is serious! All right.
- It's creepy.
- No.
Not creepy.
Cos it's not real! How upset can you get over one of Spike's fevered daydreams that's not gonna happen? - I guess.
- So, where did Dawn? How did she come to this extremely entertaining conclusion? She was hanging out with Spike.
I think she has a crush on him.
- What? - I knew he had a weird fixation with me I'm the one she has a crush on! Me! - There's nothing here.
Let's go.
- It's always been me! Big funny Xander! What, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one any more? Why is that OK? But what they didn't get was that it was a copy of the bill of lading.
So they thought it was another order form.
So now I've got two shipments of Greek amphorae on my hands! That's funny.
And, really, how many do you need? Amphorae? Oh, Buffy.
Spike came by to apologise for yesterday.
Our missing-child drama.
And he just decided to hang out for a while? Well, I got talking about the gallery.
See, there was this Don't get us all laughing again, Joyce.
Anyhow, I really need to talkto your eldest.
What about? I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing.
Sorry, all out of cash.
Why don'tyou hit on Giles hit up Giles? I got a bead on the guy who killed those people.
The ones on the train.
- Do tell.
- I'll do better than that.
I'll show.
What's the matter? Nothing.
Just Two vamps holed up in a warehouse downtown.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks.
Hey! It's not blood, it's bourbon.
Suityourself.
§ I wanna be sedated Do you like the Ramones? So if you're not doing this for the money, why are y? Slayer.
Well that was sad.
I'm embarrassed for our kind.
So should we chase after 'em, then? They couldn't have gone far.
These vamps have been here for a while.
They've nested.
So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters? No.
I'm saying they had nothing to do with last night's murders.
How do you figure? Whoever did it only arrived in town last night.
Looks like you've wasted my time.
What are you doing? I wasn't thinking.
- What is this? - Oh, don't getyour knickers twisted.
I was What is this? The late-night stakeout? The bogus suspects? The flask? - Is this a date? - A d? Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean Do you want it to be? Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
- Are you out of your mind? - It's not so unusual.
Two people in the workplace - Feelings develop.
- No! No.
No, feelings do not develop.
No feelings.
You can't deny it.
There's something between us.
Loathing.
Disgust.
Heat.
Desire.
- Please! Spike, you're a vampire.
- Angel was a vampire.
- Angel was good.
- And I can be too.
I've changed, Buffy.
What, that chip in your head? That's not change.
That's just holding you back.
You're like a serial killer in prison! Women marry 'em all the time! But I'm not like that.
Something's happening to me.
I can't stop thinking aboutyou.
And if that means turning my back on evil You don't know whatyou mean! You don't know what feelings are! I damn well do! I lie awake every night! - You sleep during the day! - Yeah, but You are missing the point.
This is real here.
- I love - Don't! Don't say it.
- I'm going.
- Oh, come on, we need to talk We don't need to do anything! OK? There is no "we"! Understand? Buffy Who's there? A happy memory, pretty Spike.
Look who's come to make everything right again.
So, let me get this straight.
Darla got mojoed back from the beyond, you vamped her, and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again.
- Sounds fun.
- It is.
Like lollipops at the circus.
Although didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire.
And this has gotyou, what, all nostalgic now, has it? I want us to be a family again, my William.
Come back with me.
To Los Angeles? I've done the whole LA scene, Dru.
Didn't agree with me.
Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny D.
Decent digs not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat.
Naughty.
You needn't make up stories.
I already know why you're not coming.
Poor boy.
Tin soldiers put funny little knick-knacks in your brain.
Can't hunt.
Can't hurt.
Can't kill.
You've got a chip.
Right, so you've heard.
Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!" I don't believe in science.
All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen.
I trust eyes and heart alone.
And do you know what mine is singing out right now? You're a killer.
Born to slash and bash and bleed, like beautiful poetry.
No little Tinkertoy could ever stop you from flowing.
Yeah.
But the pain Love, you don't understand.
It's searing.
It's blinding.
All in your head.
I can see it.
Little bit of plastic, spider-webbing out nasty blue shocks.
And every one is a lie.
Electricity lies, Spike.
It tells you you're not a bad dog, butyou are.
- What the heck is this? - Oh, bloody hell.
Who is? Oh, wait.
I get it.
Our little sex game was just the beginning.
Now you pick up some cheap queen of the damned to dress as your precious Droodzilla.
Harm You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking.
My answer is the same as always.
No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl.
Or Charlize Theron.
Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
Well.
You've got some nerve showing up here like this.
After all this time.
After breaking my sweet boo-boo's heart.
Do you have any idea how hard it's been to break down the walls he put up after you left? - I mean, serious trust issues.
- Harm So it's no use crawling backto him, cos he don't play that game any more, Morticia.
It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road.
Why? Because she's back? No.
Because I am.
And there you are, my darling, deadly boy.
Well, he actually told you? He said "I love you"? Well, I didn't let him get that far, but I could see the words coming.
Honey, did you somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Send him signals? Well, I do beat him up a lot.
For Spike that's like third base.
Buffy, I'm really worried.
So am I.
He could become dangerous.
Not really.
As long as it's still chips ahoy in Spike's head, he can't hurt me, or any of us.
Besides, this'll probably just blow over.
You know? It's just a weird Spike thing.
He'll have the hots for some gak demon before we know it.
I don't know.
These things can become pretty twisted.
- Yeah, and Spike, I mean, he's - Pretty twisted.
Yeah.
Well, you made it clear, right? That it could never happen.
- That there's no possible way.
Ever.
- Yeah! I think so.
I don't know.
I was just so thrown.
- Well, Buffy, you have to talkto him again.
- What? No.
No, no, I have to avoid him again.
Not until you shut him down completely.
If he thinks there's even a little chance with you, there's no telling what he'll do.
§ And this time § I'm staying § To bury the trail thatyou left § You left § And if I was cold § Well, then you would § Stay inside me § Warm me § Here I stay I knowthis is hard, butyou made the right decision.
Better to nip this in the bud before - The bud nips me? - Exactly.
If you want, Buffy, I can go with.
Back you up with some scowling.
Thanks, but I think this is something I have to do myself.
Besides, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead.
Here's hoping.
You know what, though? There is one thing you can do for me while I'm gone.
§ I told you § Just like I told everyone § I still have some doubts § Thatyou are the reason § Still this is just so hard § Cos I knowthat I'll be left § Like always § Always § Here I'm safe § So here I stay § Lift me out § Lift the doubt Spike? Are you here? Spike? See anything interesting? Spike I What - What happened? - Me.
You remember my ex, don'tyou, Slayer? Come back, she did.
Couldn't live without me.
My boy's been feeding again.
But I know what he really wants to eat.
Shall we tie her up? Play with her a teensy bit first? I'm through playing.
I like it when you're all dour and straight-to-business, like.
Bloody well through playing.
There she is.
I was beginning to think you'd sleep the night away.
Dru Drusilla? Not nice to change the game in mid-play, Spike.
You've taken my chair and the music hasn't stopped.
Sorry, pet.
My house, my rules.
I think I shall be very cross with you when I'm free again.
- What's going on? - Simple.
I'm gonna prove something.
I love you.
- Oh, my God.
- No, look at me.
I love you.
You're all I bloody think about.
Dream about.
You're in my gut, in my throat.
I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.
I can do without the laugh track, Dru.
But it's so funny.
I knew before you did.
I knew you loved the Slayer.
The pixies in my head whispered it to me You can't tell me there isn't anything between you and me.
I know you feel something.
It's called revulsion.
And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love.
You can't love without a soul.
Oh, we can, you know.
We can love quite well if not wisely.
You still don't believe.
You still don't think I mean it.
You want proof? How's this? I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you.
It doesn't prove anything.
Except thatyou're a sick vampire I should have dusted long ago.
- And hey, already there.
- Don't mockthis.
- Go mock yourself.
- This is Drusilla, girl! Do you have the slightest idea what she means to me? It's the face of my salvation! She delivered me from mediocrity.
For over a century we cut a swath through continents.
A hundred years, she never stopped surprising me.
Never stopped taking me to new depths.
I was a lucky bloke.
Just to touch such a black beauty.
So you see, it means something.
Not to me.
Kill her.
Why do I care? Here's why.
If you don't admit that there's something there some tiny feeling for me then I'll untie Dru and let her kill you instead.
Yes, please.
I like that game much more.
Just give me something.
A crumb.
The barest smidgen.
Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Spike The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me? - Which question shall I answer first? - I'm at the end of my bleeding tether.
I don't even know why I even bother.
It's your fault.
You're the one to blame for all this.
- Am I? - Bloody rightyou are! If you hadn't left me for that chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had a sodding chip in my skull! And you wouldn't be able to touch me.
Because this, with you, is wrong.
I know it.
I'm not a complete idiot.
You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell.
You say you hate it, butyou won't leave.
You know, what I should just do is get rid of both of you.
Burn you.
Cutyou into little pieces, so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi - Oh, great.
- What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The actual girlfriend? I gave you the best bunch of months of my life! That's right, little girl.
Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
- Oh, so now you're all ganging up? - I thought I could change you, Spike.
I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around.
Maybe be a little nicer.
Stop treating me like your dog.
But now I see it's you.
You're the dog, who needs to be put You're on my hair.
Poor Spike.
So lost.
Even I can't help you now.
Oh, Spikey.
And you can say goodbye to this.
Because you're not gonna see it any more.
Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you.
But even then, I'll probably just, you know, back away.
Buffy? Come on now, stop! You can't just walk away from this.
- What part did you not understand? - We had a fight.
It doesn't change anything.
It changes everything, Spike! I wantyou out.
I wantyou out of this town, I wantyou off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends or my family again, ever! Understand? No.
It's not that easy.
We have something, Buffy.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
And there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm in your life.
You can't just shut me out