Friends s05e14 Episode Script

Guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy's putting stuff in boxes.
I'd say our naked buddy is moving.
Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled "Clothes.
" I'm going to miss that big old squishy butt.
And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place! It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
We could do that telephone thing where you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string.
Or we could do the actual telephone thing.
He's got packing tape stuck to where you really don't want it.
Get it off, fat man! Get it off! Oh, no, he's trying to pull it off slowly.
Take it from me, if you're gonna pull tape off yourself, it's gotta be in one quick motion.
Like that.
The One Where Everyone Finds Out Oh, my God.
I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect? I can't believe I never realized how great it is! Because your eye goes to the big naked man.
It's amazing! Hurry up with an application, or I'll beat you to it.
Well, I'm going to use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom.
Look! There's Monica and Chandler.
Hey, you guys! Chandler and Monica! Oh, my God! Oh, my eyes! My eyes! It's okay! -They're doing it! -I know! -I know! -You know? Yes, I know it.
Joey knows, but Ross doesn't, so stop screaming! What's going on? -What? -Nothing! We are so excited that you'll get this apartment! Looks really good.
Looks pretty good! Get in here! Come on! You mean whenever Monica and Chandler were doing laundry or going grocery shopping? The time Monica spent on the phone with Linda from camp? Doing it, doing it, phone, doing it.
I can't believe it! I think it's great.
For him.
She could do better.
Hey, you guys.
Come here! Phoebe found out about Monica and Chandler.
You mean how they're friends and nothing more? Joey, she knows.
We saw them doing it through the window.
Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.
We saw them fornicating.
So they know you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows? Yes, but it doesn't matter who knows what.
Now enough of us know that we could just tell them we know.
All the lying and the secrets will finally be over.
Or, we could not tell them we know, and have a little fun.
What do you mean? If they say they are doing laundry, we'll give them laundry to do.
I would enjoy that.
You know what would be even more fun? Telling them.
-That doesn't sound like fun.
-So we'll make it fun.
We'll do it like a barbershop quartet! We know, we know, we know No, I want to do Phoebe's thing.
I can't take You don't have to do anything.
Just don't tell them we know.
I can't take anymore secrets.
I got your secrets, their secrets, secrets of my own.
You don't have any secrets.
Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
How are we going to mess with them? You could use your position as the roommate.
And I would use the strongest tool at my disposal.
My sexuality.
Hello, children.
Watch.
Learn.
And don't eat my cookie.
That jacket looks great on you.
-Really? -The material is so soft.
Hello, Mr.
Bicep.
You're working out? I try to squeeze things.
Are you okay? If you really want to know I can't tell you this.
You can tell me anything.
Actually, you are the one person I can't tell this to.
And the one person I want to the most.
What's going on? I just haven't been with a guy in so long and sometimes you're looking for something and it's right there in front of you, sipping coffee.
Oh, no.
Have I said too much? Just something to think about.
I know I will.
You are so cute.
How did you get to be so cute? My grandfather was Swedish.
And my grandmother was a tiny little bunny.
Now you're even cuter.
You know, that is a popular opinion today, I must say.
The weirdest thing happened at the coffeehouse.
Phoebe was hitting on me.
What are you talking about? I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
It's not possible.
I'm sorry, Phoebe's just always thought you were charming in a sexless kind of way.
You know, I can't hear that enough.
I just think you misunderstood her.
I didn't, okay? She was all over me.
She touched my bicep, for crying out loud.
This bicep? Well, it's not flexed right now.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that Phoebe could be attracted to me? It's not.
All the girls are attracted to you.
You're part bunny.
Mon, you want to come see a movie with us? Actually, I was going to do some laundry.
Want to do it with me? Sure, I'll do it with you.
Okay, great.
Hold on a second.
Here you go.
That would really help me out a lot.
Thanks.
You know what? I don't have enough quarters.
I have quarters! Great.
Now we can do laundry all night.
All night laundry! Hey, any word on the apartment yet? I called there, and it turns out Naked Guy is subletting it.
He's already had 100 applicants.
-Oh, man.
-No, no, it's okay.
Because you know what the difference between them and me is? Your history of bedwetting? Hey, I trusted you, man! Anyway, the difference is I've got the edge.
It's not exactly ethical, but I sent him a bribe to tip the scales in my direction.
You can see it from the window.
Is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it? That new mountain bike? What did you send? A basket of mini muffins.
There's a whole table of them.
Which one did you send? The small one.
You actually thought that basket was going to get you the apartment? Someone sent us a basket at work, and people went crazy over those muffins.
It was the best day.
Your work makes me sad.
Oh, man, I want that place so much! And I was so sure that was going to work.
There's 12 bucks I'll never see again.
We'd better go if we want to catch that movie.
Bye.
Bye, Chandler.
I miss you already.
Did you see that? The inappropriate, and the pinching? Actually, I did.
So do you believe that she's attracted to me? Oh, my God! She knows about us! Are you serious? She knows, and she's trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation! But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps? She knows! Phoebe knows about us.
I didn't tell them! Them? Who's "them"? Phoebe and Joey.
And Rachel.
I would have told you, but I promised not to tell.
I'm sorry.
But it's over now, right? You can tell them you know they know, and I can go back to knowing nothing! Unless Not "unless"! This must end now! They think they are so slick messing with us.
But they don't know that we know that they know.
So The messers become the messees! Come on, you guys.
Think how much fun it would be to tell.
We know, we know, we know What? Oh, that wasn't you.
Honey, you got to stop torturing yourself.
Why don't you find another apartment? I've already looked at 1000 apartments this month.
None of them even compares to that one.
Well, except for one, but I would have had to share it with an Armenian family.
Grandma really liked me.
But I want Ugly Naked apartment! You know what? You should find out his hobbies and use that to bond with him.
Like if I wanted something from Joey I would strike up a conversation about sandwiches or my underwear.
I'm listening.
That is a great idea! And I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for five years.
So that gives me back my edge! Let's see now.
He had the trampoline.
He broke that.
-He had gravity boots.
-He broke those too.
So he likes to break stuff.
I've got to go pick up Ben.
But I will figure something out.
Didn't he used to have a cat? I wouldn't bring that up.
It would bum him out.
Poor cat never saw that big butt coming.
Hold on a second, she's right here.
It's Chandler.
Hello, you.
Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day.
You know that thing you said before? I was intrigued.
Really? Joey won't be here tonight.
Why don't you come over? I'll let you feel my bicep.
Or maybe more.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Are you kidding? I cannot believe he would do that to Mon Joey? Do they know that we know? They know you know.
I knew it! I would say, "Thank God! Everybody knows! It's finally over!" But that hasn't been working for me.
I cannot believe those two! They thought they could mess with us? Trying to mess with us? They don't know that we know they know we know.
Joey, you can't say anything.
Couldn't if I wanted to.
Good evening, sir.
I'm Ross Geller.
I'm one of the applicants.
I realize that the competition is fierce but.
I'm sorry, I can't help but notice that you're naked.
I applaud you.
Man, I wish I was naked.
I mean, this looks so great.
That is how God intended it.
Look.
They're panicked! They'll totally back down.
If he wants a date, he's going to get a date.
I'm going to go in.
Be sexy.
Please.
I'd love to come by tonight.
Really? Absolutely.
Say, around 7? I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
Hey, check it out! Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Oh, my God! That's our friend! It's Naked Ross! Would you like another mini muffin? Try the blueberry, they're delicious.
Showtime! Rachel, get me perfume.
Joey, can you get me a bottle of wine and glasses? All right, thanks, but glasses that do not have handles and that are glass.
And wine that is not olive oil.
Make her think you want to have sex with her and it will freak her out.
How far am I gonna have to go with her? She'll give in way before you do.
How do you know? Because you're on my team.
My team always wins.
At this? Just go get some! Go! Now, I'm going to try to listen from right here.
Oh, wait.
Good idea.
Don't give away the farm.
Come on in.
I was going to.
I brought some wine.
Would you like some? Sure.
So here we are.
Nervous? Me? No.
You? I want this to happen.
So do l.
I'm going to put on some music.
Joey likes to scare the duck.
Maybe I'll dance for you.
You look good.
Thanks.
You know, when you say things like that, it makes me want to rip that sweater vest right off.
Why don't we move into the bedroom? Really? Do you not want to? First I want to take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.
That would be nice.
I'll go get the lotion.
It's way out of hand.
She wants me to put lotion on her! -She's bluffing! -She's not backing down.
She went like this He's not backing down.
He went to get lotion.
It's Chandler.
You can take him.
Come on.
Don't you remember when you made him cry using only your words? Aren't you guys done yet? I want to sit in my chair! The sooner Phoebe breaks him, the sooner it's over and out in the open.
I like that.
Show him your bra.
He's afraid of bras.
Can't work them.
You didn't rip off any buttons.
It's not my first time.
Go back there and seduce her till she cracks! Give me a second.
-Did you clean up in here? -Of course! You're going? Not without you, lover.
So this is my bra.
It's very, very nice.
Well, come here.
I'm very happy we're going to have all the sex.
You should be.
I'm very bendy.
I'll kiss you now.
Not if I kiss you first.
I guess there's nothing left for us to do but kiss.
Here it comes.
Our first kiss.
You win! I can't have sex with you! -And why not? -I'm in love with Monica! You're what? Love her! I love her! I love her! I love you, Monica.
I love you too, Chandler.
I thought you were doing it.
I didn't know you were in love! Dude! Hats off to Phoebe.
Quite a competitor.
May I say your breasts are still showing.
God.
All right! So that's it? It's over.
Everybody knows! Actually, Ross doesn't.
We'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
Well, here it is.
A new place for a new Ross.
I'll have you and the guys from work over, once it's furnished.
It's nice to see you back on your feet.
I am that, and the whole rage thing is definitely behind me.
I wonder if it's time for you to rejoin our museum team? That would be great.
I am totally ready to come back to work.
What are you doing? Get off my sister!