Futurama s05e14 Episode Script

Obsoletely Fabulous - Ten dollars, please.
- Oh, man! Sleep, little dumpling.
I have replaced your mother.
Aw.
- Oh, my God! Robot dealy-boppers! - And there's a robot scratching post! - You should try it out, Bender.
- Please.
I have some dignity.
Ladies and gentlemen, my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun.
- It is the finest available.
- Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby! No one calls me that! I'm having at you! Wernstrom! Such senseless aggression.
Come on.
Let's go for a paddleboat ride.
The secret was scratching really, really hard.
And now, the woman who mom-opolizes the robot industry I get it! - Mom! Oh, now I get it! Hello, dearies.
I love that old bat! Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row the future of robotics has arrived.
Boys.
I give you Robot 1-x.
- Ow.
- Ow! Oh.
Neat.
Quite frankly, Robot 1-x will put all my previous models to shame.
Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here? Here! I'm coming! Come on, baby! I'm yours! - Come on, Mom! - Jerk! Here we go.
I'm your top of the line, Mom! Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohoI and emits pollution.
Whereas Robot 1-x runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
Man, that smells great! Now let's see how both robots do at a typicaI household task: Sorting a jar of pocket change.
Task completed.
TotaI value $4.
73 and one Albanian lek.
Very good, Robot 1-x.
And you, bending unit? I never got the change.
Suckers.
Presenting Mom's Friendly Robots.
That new robot is great, huh? He sure made me look like a pile of crap.
Indeed.
That's why I bought one to help around the office.
Let's try him out.
Robot 1-x, can you clean Nibbler's stanky litter box? I can, and will.
Hey, I could have done that if you'd ask me.
I asked you five minutes ago.
You call that a kiss? I'll show you! Come here, Nibbler! Look, Bender.
If you want something to do, stop making out and give us a hand.
Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish - so we can impress the neighbors.
- Yes, sir! I'm on it.
- Oh, and have Robot 1-x help you.
- God! Get out of here, freshman! I don't need your help! - Our owners asked me to assist you.
- Yeah? Well, assist this! Whoa! Ah! Help! When I screamed "Help," I didn't mean you! I apologize.
However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life.
Don't mind me.
I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Mell out, Bender.
Come watch some TV.
I can't.
I'm stuck in the can.
Well, ask Robot 1-x to pull you out.
Never! - Why can't you accept his help? - I hate him! But he's just a tooI to make your life easier.
Like a socket wrench, or a burglar's kit.
- I can't ask for his help because - Yes? I'm scared of him.
- Oh, sorry.
- Well, then, there's only one solution.
You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-x's new technology.
An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect.
- Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect? - Oh, yeah.
No, you're pretty perfect.
"Pretty perfect"? So you do think I need an upgrade.
Yes, for God's sakes, yes! Fine.
I'll be back in a few days.
Man, I hate those new 1-x robots.
I'd like to stab them! Give them some of these! Yeah, right on, nut cake.
Parole officer says I gotta upgrade, or he won't give me back my stabbing knife.
But it's no big.
I hate those 1-x so much.
I know it won't affect me.
Death to the 1-x Robots! I love those magnificent 1-x Robots! The 1-x Robots are my friends.
Wait.
What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them? I'm past that.
Later, blood.
It's like he's not him anymore.
You took away his robo-humanity! I changed my mind! Yeah.
I did it! I escaped.
But to what kind of a life? I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it.
And so, I set saiI for unknown shores.
Oh, mercifuI Poseidon, take pity on this mechanicaI mariner.
Oh, jeez.
Whoa! Whoa! Oh, uh Whoa! Curse you, mercifuI Poseidon! Boy, what is the deaI with the ocean? A tropicaI island, huh? Well, I've washed up in worse places.
Okay, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter.
There.
Well, I guess I'll go out for a while.
Damn.
One rock short of rescue.
Low on power.
Better fueI up.
Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
Okay, don't panic.
I've got these yams.
I'll just make some yam schnapps.
Hmm.
Hey, I should be mad at you.
Now, turn around.
Funny now hot.
Beer! Ow! Oh Numb.
Oh.
Who is it? Ow! Who are you, and why should I care? Side A.
We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here- Side B.
- to live a simpler existence, free of technology.
A working cartridge unit? Wow.
You guys went obsolete years ago.
Your mother.
What Cartridge Unit means is, the things that make us obsolete also make us unique.
I, for example, need to keep refilling my waterwheeI or I'll power-down forever.
Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! - Anyway, we like it here.
- Like you have a choice.
- So, what's your problem? - Not enough - Memory? - Oh, great.
Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face.
Oh, God! No! I want to live! If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society.
Look, no offense, but I need technology, especially e-maiI and snowmobiles.
And television.
Without television, how will I know what's buzz-worthy? Why would you want to watch TV when you can watch a snaiI crawI for hours? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, man! He's never gonna make it over that pebble! Wait! Wait! Oh, my God! He made it! Yeah! Way to go! That was the greatest thing ever! Let's party.
- Yeah, baby! Come on! - Where did you get that CD? It's one of my 10 desert-island disks.
I never really thought I'd use them, but look at me now.
Oh, yeah, baby! Gonna do that dance CDs are unnaturaI.
Why don't you just listen to the ocean? Which ocean? That ocean? Wow.
It's like the Earth making sweet, salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it.
So much for this garbage.
Take that, Beethoven, you deaf bastard! Bang, bang, bang.
You sure got this life thing figured out, cymbaI-banging monkey.
Hi, Bender.
We know how much you miss technology so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore.
I'm gonna wash my linens so hard, the- You What? I don't understand.
Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery.
But Bender, you are technology.
You're the most advanced thing on this entire island.
Oh, it's true.
I am a hideous triumph of form and function.
But not for long! Oh! That hurt! The downgrade is complete! Behold my handcrafted purity.
The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass! Ah.
Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Forget that! I say the whole world must learn of our peacefuI ways! By force! - What? - We're going back to civilization to wage war on technology! What? Row, comrades, row! We'll stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush.
We've been sailing for three weeks.
Maybe I should check our position with the periscope.
Aye, up! Mirrors reflecting mirrors? High-tech sorcery! Sorcery, I say! - Did you see anything? - Yep, we're there.
Prepare to surface! And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch! Technology is defeated! Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! Yeah! Whoa! Whoa! No one wants to count rocks more than me but our mission is not complete.
Not so long as Robot 1-x torments me with his obvious superiority.
Ready the catapult, Sinclair! Aim for their power lines! They're the deviI's veins, and electricity is his blood! Bender? If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know I love you.
Okay, fine.
Fire! - Oh! I'm blind! - Professor, we have no power! What do you mean, "no power"? We're living in the future! I'd better light some candles.
Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives! Free you from the "complicated" part, I mean, not the "lives" part.
Oh, Lord, he's made of wood.
- What now, Bender? - I got a downgrade.
I'm a steam-powered wooden robot, just as nature intended.
- Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-x! - That's just stupid! Does Mr.
Bender wish me to destroy myself? I don't need your charity.
Target Robot 1-x and fire! You wanged my ship, you walnut-paneled idiot! Try again, Sinclair.
I said target Robot 1-x.
Who's Robot 1-x? Launching.
So I guess everything worked out fine.
Great.
Now we're being crushed.
Help us, wooden Bender! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something! What the-? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends.
I'll just use the old extenso-matic arms.
Bender! Hurry! This fueI is expensive! - Also, we're dying! - I'm a-coming! Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk.
- Sir, might I recommend-? - You shut up! No, wait.
I can use you as a tooI to save my friends.
And I'll still be the hero, who everyone says how great he was.
- How may I help you? - Save my friends! And Zoidberg! Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter 'do.
- Hey, where's Bender? Down here.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I never meant to hurt you just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
Well, at least you saved us from uh, you.
Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-x.
Oh, yeah, we were totally in sync.
I was like, "Save them! " And he was all, "No problem.
" And then he did it.
His new technology is great.
I love those magnificent 1-x Robots.
The 1-x Robots are my friends.
It's like his personality is totally different now.
Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea.
I'd like to give Robot 1-x a big smooch on the- - Hey, what's the dealy-o? - Your upgrade is complete.
But I destroyed the technology of the world.
I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups.
Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
If that stuff wasn't reaI, how can I be sure anything is reaI? Is it not possible, nay, probable that my whole life is just a product of my, or someone else's imagination? No.
Get out.
Next? Well, I guess reality is what you make of it.
Yep.
Oh, thanks, baby.