Mom s05e14 Episode Script

Hi.
My name is Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
And, uh that's all I got.
I think there's more.
The plan was to be a lawyer, and you guys supported me and said, "Oh, go for it, Christy.
You can do it.
" Turns out every law school I applied to disagrees.
And I can't tell you how mean it was of all you people to make me believe in myself.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
So, thanks a lot.
Still no.
Anyway, for all of you who say, "Oh, sobriety's full of miracles " (blows raspberries) Sorry.
I should end on a positive note, so (blows raspberries) Hi.
Jill, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Jill.
Well, transitioning back to the real world has been really tough.
Eating healthy was so easy at the wellness retreat.
I mean, carbs weren't allowed on the premises, and I had a inner strength coach on call 24 hours a day.
It's just not the same FaceTiming her from the frozen dessert aisle with a Sara Lee strudel in my trembling hand.
I mean, temptation's all around me.
Every time I open Google Maps, it reminds me that I live three-eighths of a mile from a Perkins Pancake House.
And they're open all night.
You know, during those dark hours when you can't stop your thoughts.
Like right now.
(ice cream truck music playing outside) Wait, you all hear that ice cream truck, too, right? BONNIE: Hey, look at that.
A spot right in front.
That's what you get for praying to the parking gods.
The only god you believe in.
Not true.
I also believe in the lotto god.
Son of a bitch! (horn honks) Little guy, big motorcycle.
BOTH: Tiny wiener.
Hey, buddy, we were here first.
You were here first.
You had an opportunity, but you didn't take it.
Lesson learned.
Check it out, this Muppet thinks I'm teachable.
Miranda, you're here! Oh, Jill! - You know her? - Of course.
She's my inner strength coach from the retreat.
Well, she's a dick.
Oh, you must be Bonnie.
Many people have heard of me; you're not special.
Thank you so much for coming.
When one of my little lost bunnies calls me, I'm here.
Energy hug.
(both humming) I'd like to stay and mock whatever this is, but we still got to park.
Ah.
Try around the corner.
I'll save you a seat.
Hey, Bonnie, remember, see the space, take the space.
Hey, see my foot, watch your ass.
Oh, my God, just having you here, I feel safer.
I think the donut dreams are finally gonna stop.
Jill, the only person that can make you feel safe is you.
What about a fireman? They always make me feel safe.
Except when you fool around with one of them in the supply closet and the next time they bring in a burn victim, it's all, "Do I know you?" And how does that make you feel? I'm used to it.
Wendy, it's okay to be angry.
You have a voice and we need to hear it.
- (quietly): Okay.
- Try this.
(clears throat) I will be heard! (quietly): I will be heard.
Wow, she actually got quieter.
Turns out the closest spot was the Home Depot parking lot, three-quarters of a mile away.
I had to buy this so they don't tow me.
So, what did I miss? Miranda is helping Wendy find her voice.
You sure that's a fuse you want to light? (loudly): Hey, back off! There's Wendy the Lion.
All right, give me the hammer.
Yeah.
That's probably smart.
So, Miranda, tell us, what exactly do you do at the retreat? Oh, it's simple, really.
Everyone has an untapped reservoir of strength, and it's my calling to help them frack their way into it.
Frack.
That's wonderful.
This woman saved me.
I'd been at the retreat for three weeks and only lost half a pound when Miranda looked me straight in the eyes and said I see you.
- You do, don't you? - Yeah.
She stood by my side for the next 12 weeks, and bam, look what happened.
I'm back to being the hottest one here.
Jill, we talked about this.
Sorry.
Everyone's beautiful in their own peculiar way.
- Better.
- How is that better? It's important for you to remember that you had the power to change all along.
I've been obsessing over German chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and how it would solve all my problems.
Get out of your problems, get into your power.
I think I could do that better back at the retreat.
Aw, would that mean Miranda has to leave? Oh, well, off you go.
Jill, no.
The Mindful Cactus is a wonderful place, but you need to learn to live in the real world.
And in the real world, cake happens.
So I can have some? In moderation, sure.
You have the power to take a bite and push that plate away.
Uh, yeah, Miranda, we're not really a moderation bunch of gals.
(loudly): I once drank floor cleaner.
Give me the hammer.
(sighs) You got to be kidding.
- What? - It's 4:30.
- Don't you have class? - Why bother? The world doesn't need another college-educated waitress.
"Let me tell you today's specials and the difference between Emily and Charlotte Bronte.
" Are those your teachers? Yes.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
All of my eggs were in this law school basket, and I just dropped the basket.
And that's why you don't put all your eggs in one basket.
I just got that.
- Maybe I need a Miranda.
- Hey, I'm your Miranda.
Now snap out of it! Oh, look, there's that meatball I dropped last night.
Jill, you want to put away your Elf on the Shelf and help me clean up here? Careful, Bonnie.
I'll have Santa put you on the naughty list.
(clicks tongue) I'll be right there.
Talk to me, honey.
It's the damn cookie table.
It's my turn to clean it, but I'm afraid I'm gonna unhinge my jaw and clean it with my mouth.
Jill, do you know why I started riding a motorcycle? Because I used to be afraid of them, but I'm not anymore.
You're right.
- I need to face my fears.
- Come on.
- Let's do it together.
- Okay.
Oh, good God, where'd those brownies come from? Relax, Jill.
Marjorie made them.
- (brownie clanks) - Hockey pucks with nuts.
Just because things aren't working out the way you want doesn't mean they aren't working out.
You just got to have faith.
I do.
I believe with all my heart that my life is gonna suck forever.
Hey, are you sober today? (blows raspberries) Then you're a winner.
See, you need to look for small victories.
Did you make your bed this morning? I threw the bedspread over the mess.
I'm gonna put that in the win column.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing, but you making your bed is not a win.
You need to aim higher.
(chuckles) Thank you, Miranda, but I've been helping people work this program for 37 years.
I think I know what I'm talking about.
Oh, I know I'm just a guest here, but I have a teeny-tiny issue with the first step of A.
A.
Admit you're powerless? Why do you have to admit you're powerless? Because when it comes to alcohol, we are powerless, and we need to remember that.
It's just that I've known y'all for a few days, and I don't see any powerless women.
That's 'cause we're not drunk.
(laughs) Don't hide behind your humor.
Then I got nothing.
All due respect, I'm less interested in, um What do you call it? Your higher power, and more interested in your inner power.
That's the answer to your problems.
All due respect, you're talking out your ass.
See, now that's powerful.
Christy, what's stopping you from reaching your goals is all that bad energy in your life.
I can help you get rid of it.
If you're gonna take out my mom, use poison.
She'll see any other weapons coming.
All I'm saying is you need to get rid of all that negativity out of your system.
If you want, I could give you an energy cleanse.
You'll have a whole new you.
No offense, but I don't really think any of that stuff works.
Bonnie, I said put the coffee urn away! Okay, sorry.
When do we start? I am so glad you see what Miranda has to offer.
You are gonna love this.
I hope so.
I've never had my energy cleansed before.
It's probably pretty crusty.
(singsongy): Hello! (singsongy): Hello.
Only she does that.
Oh.
Sorry.
Are you ready to go on a little journey to you? I guess.
Okay, I'm gonna see you on the other side.
The other side? The kitchen.
All right, sweetie, I want you to lie down.
Close your eyes.
Free your mind.
Imagine yourself floating in a deep, warm river.
- (shouts) - Oh! Sorry, I was clearing my pathway.
Okay, but you really should warn a person.
I'm going to go into a little bit of a trance.
(gentle music begins) I don't know what's going to happen because every experience is unique.
I'll be processing your energy, and I may or may not have visions along the way.
We'll see.
Permission to enter your energy space? I'm gonna need a verbal "yes.
" Yes.
(sings high-pitched note) (sings high-pitched note) (sings high-pitched note) (sings high-pitched note, then low-pitched note) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, what was that? Uh, that's a huge clump of bad energy.
I'm going to throw it away.
(knuckles crack) (groaning) (guttural grunting) Let me guess, that was my childhood.
I'm serious.
24 hours later, I still feel like I'm high.
Clean energy is incredible.
Settle down, Al Gore.
That's so nice that you're working with Miranda, too.
After she got rid of Christy's negative energy, my living room smelled like sulfur.
I don't know what she did, but I am a different person now.
- A better person.
- If only.
I don't think Miranda made you a better person.
I'm guessing the program had a lot more to do with it.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
But I hit a wall, and Miranda's helping me break through.
Okay.
Just one last thing I'm gonna say.
Again, if only.
Just want to remind you there are no quick fixes.
I don't know.
This was pretty quick and I feel pretty fixed.
Miranda told me I have limitless power.
And so now I am recommitting to my dream of going to law school.
(loudly): How? Sorry.
I'm gonna go see the admissions people, and I'm gonna change their minds.
Oh.
I believe I also suggested you do some follow-up, but maybe you needed to hear it in a squeaky voice.
All I can say is that cleanse was the best 500 bucks I've ever spent.
(stutters) What? You don't have that kind of money to throw around.
And if you do, where have you been hiding it? - I put it on my credit card.
- You don't have a credit card.
And if you do, where have you been hiding it? Miranda said she'd love to do it for free, but the universe needs to know a sacrifice has been made.
And you bought that? When did you become a boob? Hey, what's that say about me? Well, you can afford to be a boob.
Back me up here, loudmouth.
(loudly): Bonnie's right.
(chanting): Namo amitabha, namo amitabha, namo amitabha.
Hello, Bonnie.
How did you know it was me? The temperature changed, the energy shifted, and your car backfired in the driveway.
- Were you looking for Jill? - Looking for you.
Look, I don't care if you're dipping into Jill's Botox fund, but when you start taking money from my daughter, who's barely scraping by, that's when you hear from me.
- Oh, Bonnie, who hurt you? - Don't even try.
No, seriously, I want to know.
And I got to tell you, I respect the fact that you're protecting your daughter, because I sense you were not protected by your mother.
Well, who told you that? Jill? You did, just now, with your eyes.
What kind of carny hustle is this? What, are you gonna guess my cholesterol next? It's too high to joke about.
Look, you may not believe in what I do, but that doesn't change the fact that I care about you.
You don't even know me.
Why would you care about me? Exactly.
You have a hard time believing someone can care about you because you were abandoned.
Uh, I'm here to talk about Christy.
And it's not your fault your mother left you.
You were just a baby.
Babies are pure, they're perfect.
You sh-shut up! Oh.
There is a perfect baby inside of you.
- I am not falling for this.
- Baby Bonnie! Oh, God, you-you smell like cookies.
Come, lie down.
Let me take away your pain.
- I'm not sure I - On the house.
Face up or face down? Just checking in.
It's been a couple hours.
Any chance the admissions director is gonna see me? I told you before, you should've made an appointment.
Normally I would've, but it was recently brought to my attention that I have limitless power.
You don't.
(intercom beeps) HARRINGTON: Alice, I blanked on Frank's birthday.
Get me a reservation somewhere fantastic tonight.
ALICE: Of course, no problem.
I'm screwed.
Wow, 5:00.
Every restaurant in town's gonna be full.
Thanks.
Are you familiar with the Rustic Fig? Yeah, but they're booked a month in advance.
Unless you know someone who has the limitless power of a waitress.
(crying): What is happening to me?! I opened you up.
Well, snap me shut! You'll be okay.
I just wouldn't make any important life decisions for, say, 36 hours, and I would avoid operating any heavy equipment.
But what if I have to drive a backhoe? Good, you're already thinking big.
- (crying) - Miranda, I did it! I baked a batch of cookies and only ate half of one! Breakthrough! (both laugh, hum) Wait for me! (all humming) I have amazing news.
(crying): Me, too.
What happened? Miranda fracked me pretty good.
Isn't she incredible? She is.
What's your news? I went to see the head of admissions, stated my case, and she told me I was on the bubble.
They almost accepted me.
If I bump my LSAT scores up a notch, she'll find a place for me next year.
Oh, baby! (laughs) Tell me again what the LSAT is.
The big lawyer test, Mom.
I thought that was the bar exam! (crying) That's the other big lawyer test.
Can I please finish my story? I'm sorry.
I've always interrupted you.
- It's okay, Mom.
Sometimes you just - It's not o When will I stop?! (crying) (ringtone playing) - Hello? - Christy, it's Miranda.
Hey, you are not gonna believe what happened to me, and it's all thanks to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had the power within you the whole time.
Listen, we got a bit of a situation over here.
I went out for a hike, I came back, and I found her like this.
Oh, my God.
What happened? I was working with her on moderation.
I convinced her she could eat half a cookie, then stop.
- So she tried it with booze.
- Yeah.
(slurring): I messed up.
Don't worry, honey, we're here.
I can't believe I threw away all that time.
I'm so stupid.
You're not stupid; you're an alcoholic.
I'm really sorry, Jill.
Not your fault, Miranda.
You can't make someone get sober and you can't make them drink.
Marjorie? Yes, honey? Half a cookie doesn't work.
Not for you, sweetie.
None of us are half a cookie people.
(crying): Even though I really want to be.
(loudly): Oh, pipe down.
It's not about you! Marjorie, Wendy's being mean to me.
Okay, this may be your fault.