NewsRadio (1995) s05e14 Episode Script
Hair
have any ideas for long format stories? Oh.
That don't involve cute animals.
Are ducks cute? Mm-hm.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, I have an idea.
Excellent.
All right.
When you have two-- [FOOTSTEPS.]
Oh, look, a puppy.
A real dog.
Let me see him.
I'm sorry about Daisy, but I'm getting my apartment painted.
I don't have anywhere else.
Oh, that's all right.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I mean if, uh-- If she's big enough for Matthew to try riding her it would be a different matter.
Thank you.
Matthew, get off the puppy.
Good morning.
Good morning, Dave.
Could you do me a favor? Sir, you know I'd kill for you.
Well, that's not a favor, son.
That's a contractual obligation.
Yeah.
I need to borrow your office for a meeting.
Uh, well, sure, but why don't you use your own office? Well, I would.
I would.
But my office is kind of intimidating.
Uh-huh.
Oh, you mean 'cause of all the The marble and the hunting trophies, the wet bar and the, uh, loaded spear gun on the desk? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm meeting one of those young, uh, Silicon Valley billionaire whiz kids.
You know how those computer types can be.
Smart? No, nerds.
Big-time dorks, okay? Uh-huh.
I don't wanna scare the little guy.
No.
Well, mi casa es su casa .
Well, mi es Jimmy.
Thanks.
[BETH LAUGHING.]
Beth? Beth, what are you doing? [LAUGHING.]
Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand.
Lisa? Yeah? Ehhh! For future reference, I prefer chunky.
[.]
[.]
Good puppy.
You are such a good puppy.
Hi.
I'm here to see Jimmy James.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And I'm waiting for the Allman Brothers to tour again.
Uh, I'm expected.
I'm Eric Stark from Starkware.
Should we let him in? [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Mr.
James, your computer whiz nerd billionaire is here.
Oh, good.
Send him in.
Yes, you are.
Hi, I'm, uh, Eric Stark.
Hi, Dave Nelson.
Nice to meet you.
Dave, can I see you for a moment? Uh, sir, uh, Eric-- I said get over here.
Excuse me just a moment.
Uh, yes, sir? Get that guy out of this office.
Sir, that's-- That's Eric.
It's your-- Your computer billionaire that you-- Hi.
I said get that damn hippie out of this office now, get him out! Out! I, um So, Eric, you're, uh, into computers, huh, there, Eric? Out! Out of the office now.
Get out.
Out.
Out.
You know, maybe today isn't the best day, uh, to be having a meeting with, um-- With Mr.
Um, what do you say, uh, I-I show you out of here? Right this way.
He's like that all the time? He seems to be getting worse.
Beth, will you reschedule Mr.
Stark for tomorrow? Yes, Dave.
When I get a minute.
DAVE: Of course.
We are just so busy, aren't we? Yes, we are.
We don't have time for little computer babies.
No, we don't.
We only have time for donuts.
What are you doing? We're having a snack.
Wait.
No.
No, Daisy.
She doesn't eat donuts.
Oh, well, allow me to demonstrate.
Um, Daisy.
Donut.
No.
Beth, no.
I mean, she's not allowed to have donuts.
She's on a very strictly regimented diet.
High in protein, low in carbs.
She only eats twice a day.
Is that how your parents fed you? No.
I ate three times a day.
And I was allowed to have carbs as a treat on weekends.
My dog growing up ate donuts all the time, and it was totally healthy.
Really? How old did that dog live to be? The normal age.
Six.
What? That's like 40 human years.
[.]
Halt.
Sir? He's okay.
Okay, what's going on? I'm on hippie alert, Dave.
What? How do you stand on peace? I say give it a chance.
[TSKS.]
See, I told you.
Relax, Joe.
He's-- He's over 30, I trust him, kind of.
You have some sort of a problem with hippies? You could say that.
But that guy isn't even a hippie.
He's, like, a-- He's a multi-billionaire like you.
Yeah, maybe.
But he wears his hair like Cousin Itt.
And I don't wanna see him.
I want no part of that guy.
Joe, is this your doing? Yes, I hate hippies, granted.
But, no.
Mr.
James came up with this totally on his own.
All right, just tell me what this is all about.
Well, I had kind of a traumatic experience with a bunch of hippies.
Back in the summer of 1968.
A traumatic experience? Yeah, they beat the crap out of me.
Wait.
Hippies-- Hippies are supposed to be non-violent.
Now you know better, don't you, boy? Okay, well, just tell me what happened.
All right.
Ahem.
I was, uh, working a summer job.
I was a forest ranger in the Everglades National Forest.
At one point, uh, I asked this, you know, group of flower children-- Nicely, mind you.
--"Would you please pick up your candy wrapper?" And? And they beat the crap out of me! Weren't you listening to me? Well, it's just like-- Yeah, just like that! And sure, I mean, ever since then, I had nothing to do with them longhairs.
No way, no how.
I'm gonna go kick some hippie ass.
All right, Joe, wait, now stay.
Come back.
I need you.
Now, sir, was that meeting worth some money to you? Yeah.
About 50 mil.
You're gonna throw away $50,000,000 because you don't like a guy's haircut.
It's an irrational terror, Dave.
You can't put a price on irrational terror.
I just-- I can't-- I can't do business with-- With any of those computer guys.
They're all-- They're a bunch of damn longhairs.
Bill Gates isn't.
Yeah, but he's got one of those Beatle haircuts.
I'd say it's more like Moe from the Three Stooges.
But you're right, it's terrifying.
So frightening.
And now news you can use.
In Washington, the Consumer Product Safety Commission released a new list of unsafe products today.
Uh, the Commission, a non-profit public advocacy group focused its attention-- Uh, focused its attention on products that it claimed would be especially dangerous to the children.
Like car seats or something.
What are you guys doing to my dog? It's called natural feeding, my dear.
There's nothing natural about feeding her sausages from your mouth.
Oh, really? Well, how do you think her mother would have done it? Beth? With her nipples.
Exactly.
Only I don't have any of those.
You know, somebody had to watch your dog while you were off in the booth.
Yes.
So while you're busy, let us take care of her.
You're not taking care of her.
You spoil her with junk food.
Lisa, I don't mean to be judgmental.
I really don't.
But maybe if you fed her sometime-- I feed her.
Dogs will eat too much if you let them.
Max eats too much.
You don't see us starving him, do you? Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oops.
Your dog made a little messy.
Ohhh.
Oh, good puppy.
Good puppy.
That's beautiful.
What are you doing? That's how my parents potty-trained me.
You're right, Dave.
You're right.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm losing money hand over fist.
'Cause I'm scared, all right? Yeah.
I'm-- I'm scared of a bunch of-- Of a bunch of-- Tie-dyed cannabis-sucking freaks? Bingo.
That's right, but you-- You don't know 'em like I do, Dave.
The hippie is the most dangerous creature on the Earth.
All they think about is blood.
Sir, I think you're confusing the hippie with the piranha.
Dave, I'd-- I'd swim the Amazon at a-- At a concert given by a Grateful Dead cover band.
So would I, but that's got nothing to do with hippies.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Matthew.
Mr.
James, may I present to you the answer to all your problems? And what would that be? Hypnotism.
Joe, you don't know anything about hypnotism.
Oh, yeah? Check it out.
Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
Human.
What up? That's very impressive.
Thanks.
Joe, you didn't hypnotize him.
You just told him to do that.
Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.
What? Chicken.
[CLUCKS.]
Human.
What up? Okay.
Ahem.
What are you proposing? Well, sir, obviously, your imagination has turned this whole hippie attack into something much bigger than it actually was.
I propose to hypnotically regress you back to the summer of 1968 to show you what harmless pansies hippies really are.
That's an idea.
No, it's insane.
Wait, I thought hippies were cool.
JIMMY: No! They're evil thugs with an utter disregard for human life.
Wow, live and learn.
Matthew? Yeah? Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
[.]
Here, Frankie.
Come on, boy.
Frankie, attaboy.
What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? We're trying to call your dog.
Well, that's easy.
Daisy.
Come here, Daisy.
Come here.
Good girl.
[SIGHS.]
Such a good puppy.
What? Shhh.
That's the habit we're trying to break her of.
What habit? That her name is Daisy.
Her name is Daisy.
No.
It's not anymore.
Now her name is Frankie.
Frankie? My idea.
No, you can't change my dog's name.
I thought a lot about it.
I named her after Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby .
Oh, look.
Daisy's a beautiful name.
But it's hardly what you would call manly.
Well, Daisy is a girl.
Lisa, all dogs are boys.
All cats are girls.
Is that right, Max? Exactly.
Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.
But Daisy is obviously, and I mean obviously, a girl.
Oh, we're not disputing that.
It's not a question of sex, but of gender.
Sex and gender are the same thing.
Ah, not so.
I would much rather have sex than gender.
Well, since you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
Your mind is going blank.
Every muscle in your body is totally relaxed.
Okay, how do you feel? Very relaxed.
Yeah.
Me too.
Shut up, dude.
I'm gonna count to 3.
You're gonna open your eyes.
You're gonna be back in the summer of 1968.
Understand? Yes.
You'll still be in this office.
So you'll be perfectly safe.
But it'll be the summer of 1968.
The summer of 1968.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Mr.
James, are you okay? Joey.
It worked, Joe.
Joe! Are you there? JOE: Right here, Mr.
James.
You just can't see me.
Okay.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Whoa.
Whoa! God, Joe! I'm-- I'm in my old ranger uniform.
This is so weird.
You're telling me.
Matthew, what are you doing here? I don't know.
Joe counted to three and the next thing I knew, I was-- Dude, you were like a baby in 1968.
Yeah, well, I'm here now, Mr.
Hypnotist.
You look great.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Don't worry, Mr.
James.
I'll snap him out of there for you.
What? No, no, no.
Don't! Oh! Ahh! Don't do it, Joe.
I-I can't believe I'm saying it, but I need him here.
I need him here to watch my back.
Oh, my God.
[.]
Okay, now I want you to step slowly through this door and out into the bullpen.
Joe.
This place is crawling with hippies.
Don't worry, Mr.
James.
Ah! They're just harmless hippie people, they're not gonna hurt you.
Now tell me what you see.
[WHIMPERING.]
JIMMY: Longhaired hippie people, Joe.
Scary hippie monster men.
And a handful of miniskirt-wearing hippie chicks.
Hey, baby.
Where's the love end, huh? Matthew, I will snap you out of there so fast.
No, no.
Please.
Don't, don't, don't.
I'll-- I'll-- I'll be good.
I promise.
I hear these '60s girls are kinda slutty.
All right now, Mr.
James, before I have you relive your attack, I think you should walk around and soak it all in.
All right.
Ahem.
[WHIMPERS.]
Wow, I-- I can't believe it.
It's like-- It's like I'm really back in the '60s, Joe.
Totally.
Oh, my God.
Look.
Through the doorway.
That's Vietnam.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
[EXOTIC BIRD CALLING.]
Joe.
Matthew's making me see Vietnam in the foyer.
What? Dude, Vietnam is not in the foyer.
I just call 'em like I sees 'em.
Mr.
James, listen to me.
That is not Vietnam in the foyer.
Well, what is it then? Uh, it's some kind of a magical candy land.
With mountains made of gumdrops.
[.]
Thanks, Joe.
No problem.
Well, I don't see what Mr.
James is so scared about.
These people seem so-- Oh, my-- I know you.
Joe, Matthew's kinda ruining it for me.
I'm on it.
Sorry, Matthew.
Party's over.
No, no, no, no, don't.
I-- I-- I like hippies.
I order you to snap out of it.
[FINGERS SNAP.]
Thanks again, Joe.
No problem.
Okay.
Can I, uh? Can I go to Candy Land now? I guess you've earned a break.
Thank you.
[.]
Wait.
You're letting her chew on a shoe? Yeah.
So what? It's a really bad habit.
Now she's gonna start chewing on my shoes when she gets home.
Well, actually, you know what? This is one of your shoes.
Yeah.
I'm sure this wouldn't fit me.
Hey, Beth, I am so-- Oooh, go-go girls.
It's all right.
Pay no attention to him.
Look, listen, listen.
I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but I am afraid you can no longer play with my puppy.
Do you realize how low that is? I'm sorry.
Look, I'm very sorry.
But when I brought her, she was sweet.
Now you've turned her into-- I turned her into what? You've turned her into Max.
[GASPS.]
Take that back! H-how you doing, sir? Huh? Well, I'm-- I'm pretty good.
Pretty good, considering I'm surrounded by a bunch of damn hippies.
But don't worry, Dave.
I mean, When they come after me, I'll be ready.
[IMITATES SCRAPING.]
I let him think he has a machete.
Joe, look.
This is-- This is dangerous.
You should snap him out of it.
Relax, dude.
It's a pretend machete.
Joe, please.
All right, fine.
Mr.
James, I order you to come back now.
Whoa.
Heh-heh! That was weird.
Okay.
So you're back with us now? Huh? Oh, hey, Dave.
Yeah.
I'm-- I'm back.
All the way? All the way back? Uh-huh.
Hippies! Joe! Joe! I'm just kidding you.
I'm kidding you.
Ha-ha-ha! All right.
Well, that was pretty good for a first run.
What I think we have to do next time-- No, no, no.
No next time.
What do you mean, no next time? I'm not comfortable with you monkeying with his brain like this.
He like it when I monkey with his brain.
Well, I do.
But you know what? I think Dave's actually right here.
You know what? I get nightmares watching Cheech and Chong movies.
I'm sorry, son.
I-- I just can't go back there.
Way to go, Dave.
Mm-hm.
Well? Hey, I think the go-go dancers are warming up.
Daisy's gone.
She ran off? I'm sure she's still on the floor.
No, Dave, Beth stole her.
What? Max, get in here.
Would it help if I said I'm really sorry? No.
Well, what happened? Max held me back while Beth stole my dog.
I said I was sorry.
I want my puppy back.
Hello? I am apologizing.
I don't have all day.
Forgive me.
Max, please.
Just go find Beth and bring the puppy back.
LISA: Thank you.
Oh, all right.
You don't have to yell.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Do you think I'm too strict with Daisy? No.
Uh, y-you seem very loving with that dog.
Well, I don't feed her donuts like Beth does.
That's just because Beth enjoys cleaning up puppy vomit more than you do.
Good news, Dave.
Nixon beat Humphrey? No.
Mr.
James agreed to let me put him under one more time.
Joe, Mr.
James is a human being, not your plaything.
Well, let's just keep that our little secret.
Come on.
He says he needs your moral support.
What is he talking about? Joe is trying to hypnotize Mr.
James to cure him of his irrational fear of hippies.
I thought that's what pot was for.
I told you, dude, you're not going with him.
I know.
Then go stand over there.
Fine.
All right, Mr.
James, are you relaxed? Yeah.
I am.
But I-I- need 'em here.
Are they here? Yes, Right here.
Okay.
Okay, sir.
I want you to open your eyes.
And when you do you're gonna be back where you were when you were attacked.
Ready? Now.
[INHALES.]
Jimmy's scared.
I know you are, sir.
But I want you to tell me what you see.
I see hippies, Joe.
Three big, mean hippies.
[AS JOE.]
What are they doin'? Can't tell.
[AS DAVE.]
Sir, please come back.
[JIMMY WHIMPERING.]
Come on, man.
Give him a chance.
Think, Mr.
James, what do you really see? [AS LISA.]
Mr.
James? Can you talk? Are you okay, Mr.
James? Well, yeah.
He-- He looks fine, but those-- Those hippies sound like you guys.
Oh, man.
Have you gotten back there again? I'm sorry.
I was listening to the sound of your voice and I just got a little sleepy.
JOE: All right, Matthew, can you tell me what they're wearing? Well, they're wearing, uh, chain mail.
And-- And-- And-- And Dave's broadsword has a-- Uh, a red handle.
Matthew, you're describing Dungeons & Dragons characters.
You see it too, Dave? Matthew? Yeah.
Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
All right, sir.
I want you to concentrate.
Concentrate on me.
Concentrate.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm concentrating.
I am.
I'm-- Joe.
Yes, Mr.
James? They-- They're coming towards me.
Make 'em stop it.
Mr.
James, you're shaking.
[WHIMPERING.]
Matthew.
[CLUCKING.]
I'm-- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ahhh! I remember now.
These aren't hippies.
They're They're Hell's Angels.
Get him outta there, Joe.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Am I glad to see you guys.
That must have been terrifying.
Oh, hell, yes.
I'm-- Matthew, get off me.
[CLUCKS.]
I must've been, uh, traumatized by the attack that I just totally blanked on the fact that they were bikers, not hippies.
Are you saying Joe cured you? Well, hell, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm-- I'm back in business.
You know, bring on the damn hippies.
I'll chew 'em up.
May I be the first to say that I am the greatest? And may I be the second? Come on, my man.
Let me buy you a drink.
Dave? Uh-huh? Um, how about, uh? [CLUCKING.]
You know, he's happier that way.
Think so? I'm happier to have him that way at any rate.
Beth.
Daisy.
Hello, puppy.
BETH: Lisa.
My little puppy.
Lisa? I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I just wanted to show Daisy a good time.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I guess I just got carried away.
The important thing is I have my dog now.
So can I see her? The second thing I wanna tell you is your dog is sick.
What? What did you do to her? Anything that I did was out of pure love.
I just need you to know that.
It wasn't so much me as the hot dog vendor.
You fed her hot dogs from a street vendor? She liked them so much.
She was having a good time.
Weren't you, honey? Excuse us.
But you know hot dog vendors.
They're the greatest salesmen in the world.
[SIGHS.]
Well, there you are.
I got sick looking for you.
What are you talking about? I was out looking for you.
And you know hot dog vendors.
They're like the greatest salesmen in the world.
[.]
[.]
That don't involve cute animals.
Are ducks cute? Mm-hm.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, I have an idea.
Excellent.
All right.
When you have two-- [FOOTSTEPS.]
Oh, look, a puppy.
A real dog.
Let me see him.
I'm sorry about Daisy, but I'm getting my apartment painted.
I don't have anywhere else.
Oh, that's all right.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I mean if, uh-- If she's big enough for Matthew to try riding her it would be a different matter.
Thank you.
Matthew, get off the puppy.
Good morning.
Good morning, Dave.
Could you do me a favor? Sir, you know I'd kill for you.
Well, that's not a favor, son.
That's a contractual obligation.
Yeah.
I need to borrow your office for a meeting.
Uh, well, sure, but why don't you use your own office? Well, I would.
I would.
But my office is kind of intimidating.
Uh-huh.
Oh, you mean 'cause of all the The marble and the hunting trophies, the wet bar and the, uh, loaded spear gun on the desk? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm meeting one of those young, uh, Silicon Valley billionaire whiz kids.
You know how those computer types can be.
Smart? No, nerds.
Big-time dorks, okay? Uh-huh.
I don't wanna scare the little guy.
No.
Well, mi casa es su casa .
Well, mi es Jimmy.
Thanks.
[BETH LAUGHING.]
Beth? Beth, what are you doing? [LAUGHING.]
Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand.
Lisa? Yeah? Ehhh! For future reference, I prefer chunky.
[.]
[.]
Good puppy.
You are such a good puppy.
Hi.
I'm here to see Jimmy James.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And I'm waiting for the Allman Brothers to tour again.
Uh, I'm expected.
I'm Eric Stark from Starkware.
Should we let him in? [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Mr.
James, your computer whiz nerd billionaire is here.
Oh, good.
Send him in.
Yes, you are.
Hi, I'm, uh, Eric Stark.
Hi, Dave Nelson.
Nice to meet you.
Dave, can I see you for a moment? Uh, sir, uh, Eric-- I said get over here.
Excuse me just a moment.
Uh, yes, sir? Get that guy out of this office.
Sir, that's-- That's Eric.
It's your-- Your computer billionaire that you-- Hi.
I said get that damn hippie out of this office now, get him out! Out! I, um So, Eric, you're, uh, into computers, huh, there, Eric? Out! Out of the office now.
Get out.
Out.
Out.
You know, maybe today isn't the best day, uh, to be having a meeting with, um-- With Mr.
Um, what do you say, uh, I-I show you out of here? Right this way.
He's like that all the time? He seems to be getting worse.
Beth, will you reschedule Mr.
Stark for tomorrow? Yes, Dave.
When I get a minute.
DAVE: Of course.
We are just so busy, aren't we? Yes, we are.
We don't have time for little computer babies.
No, we don't.
We only have time for donuts.
What are you doing? We're having a snack.
Wait.
No.
No, Daisy.
She doesn't eat donuts.
Oh, well, allow me to demonstrate.
Um, Daisy.
Donut.
No.
Beth, no.
I mean, she's not allowed to have donuts.
She's on a very strictly regimented diet.
High in protein, low in carbs.
She only eats twice a day.
Is that how your parents fed you? No.
I ate three times a day.
And I was allowed to have carbs as a treat on weekends.
My dog growing up ate donuts all the time, and it was totally healthy.
Really? How old did that dog live to be? The normal age.
Six.
What? That's like 40 human years.
[.]
Halt.
Sir? He's okay.
Okay, what's going on? I'm on hippie alert, Dave.
What? How do you stand on peace? I say give it a chance.
[TSKS.]
See, I told you.
Relax, Joe.
He's-- He's over 30, I trust him, kind of.
You have some sort of a problem with hippies? You could say that.
But that guy isn't even a hippie.
He's, like, a-- He's a multi-billionaire like you.
Yeah, maybe.
But he wears his hair like Cousin Itt.
And I don't wanna see him.
I want no part of that guy.
Joe, is this your doing? Yes, I hate hippies, granted.
But, no.
Mr.
James came up with this totally on his own.
All right, just tell me what this is all about.
Well, I had kind of a traumatic experience with a bunch of hippies.
Back in the summer of 1968.
A traumatic experience? Yeah, they beat the crap out of me.
Wait.
Hippies-- Hippies are supposed to be non-violent.
Now you know better, don't you, boy? Okay, well, just tell me what happened.
All right.
Ahem.
I was, uh, working a summer job.
I was a forest ranger in the Everglades National Forest.
At one point, uh, I asked this, you know, group of flower children-- Nicely, mind you.
--"Would you please pick up your candy wrapper?" And? And they beat the crap out of me! Weren't you listening to me? Well, it's just like-- Yeah, just like that! And sure, I mean, ever since then, I had nothing to do with them longhairs.
No way, no how.
I'm gonna go kick some hippie ass.
All right, Joe, wait, now stay.
Come back.
I need you.
Now, sir, was that meeting worth some money to you? Yeah.
About 50 mil.
You're gonna throw away $50,000,000 because you don't like a guy's haircut.
It's an irrational terror, Dave.
You can't put a price on irrational terror.
I just-- I can't-- I can't do business with-- With any of those computer guys.
They're all-- They're a bunch of damn longhairs.
Bill Gates isn't.
Yeah, but he's got one of those Beatle haircuts.
I'd say it's more like Moe from the Three Stooges.
But you're right, it's terrifying.
So frightening.
And now news you can use.
In Washington, the Consumer Product Safety Commission released a new list of unsafe products today.
Uh, the Commission, a non-profit public advocacy group focused its attention-- Uh, focused its attention on products that it claimed would be especially dangerous to the children.
Like car seats or something.
What are you guys doing to my dog? It's called natural feeding, my dear.
There's nothing natural about feeding her sausages from your mouth.
Oh, really? Well, how do you think her mother would have done it? Beth? With her nipples.
Exactly.
Only I don't have any of those.
You know, somebody had to watch your dog while you were off in the booth.
Yes.
So while you're busy, let us take care of her.
You're not taking care of her.
You spoil her with junk food.
Lisa, I don't mean to be judgmental.
I really don't.
But maybe if you fed her sometime-- I feed her.
Dogs will eat too much if you let them.
Max eats too much.
You don't see us starving him, do you? Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oops.
Your dog made a little messy.
Ohhh.
Oh, good puppy.
Good puppy.
That's beautiful.
What are you doing? That's how my parents potty-trained me.
You're right, Dave.
You're right.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm losing money hand over fist.
'Cause I'm scared, all right? Yeah.
I'm-- I'm scared of a bunch of-- Of a bunch of-- Tie-dyed cannabis-sucking freaks? Bingo.
That's right, but you-- You don't know 'em like I do, Dave.
The hippie is the most dangerous creature on the Earth.
All they think about is blood.
Sir, I think you're confusing the hippie with the piranha.
Dave, I'd-- I'd swim the Amazon at a-- At a concert given by a Grateful Dead cover band.
So would I, but that's got nothing to do with hippies.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Matthew.
Mr.
James, may I present to you the answer to all your problems? And what would that be? Hypnotism.
Joe, you don't know anything about hypnotism.
Oh, yeah? Check it out.
Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
Human.
What up? That's very impressive.
Thanks.
Joe, you didn't hypnotize him.
You just told him to do that.
Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.
What? Chicken.
[CLUCKS.]
Human.
What up? Okay.
Ahem.
What are you proposing? Well, sir, obviously, your imagination has turned this whole hippie attack into something much bigger than it actually was.
I propose to hypnotically regress you back to the summer of 1968 to show you what harmless pansies hippies really are.
That's an idea.
No, it's insane.
Wait, I thought hippies were cool.
JIMMY: No! They're evil thugs with an utter disregard for human life.
Wow, live and learn.
Matthew? Yeah? Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
[.]
Here, Frankie.
Come on, boy.
Frankie, attaboy.
What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? We're trying to call your dog.
Well, that's easy.
Daisy.
Come here, Daisy.
Come here.
Good girl.
[SIGHS.]
Such a good puppy.
What? Shhh.
That's the habit we're trying to break her of.
What habit? That her name is Daisy.
Her name is Daisy.
No.
It's not anymore.
Now her name is Frankie.
Frankie? My idea.
No, you can't change my dog's name.
I thought a lot about it.
I named her after Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby .
Oh, look.
Daisy's a beautiful name.
But it's hardly what you would call manly.
Well, Daisy is a girl.
Lisa, all dogs are boys.
All cats are girls.
Is that right, Max? Exactly.
Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.
But Daisy is obviously, and I mean obviously, a girl.
Oh, we're not disputing that.
It's not a question of sex, but of gender.
Sex and gender are the same thing.
Ah, not so.
I would much rather have sex than gender.
Well, since you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
Your mind is going blank.
Every muscle in your body is totally relaxed.
Okay, how do you feel? Very relaxed.
Yeah.
Me too.
Shut up, dude.
I'm gonna count to 3.
You're gonna open your eyes.
You're gonna be back in the summer of 1968.
Understand? Yes.
You'll still be in this office.
So you'll be perfectly safe.
But it'll be the summer of 1968.
The summer of 1968.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Mr.
James, are you okay? Joey.
It worked, Joe.
Joe! Are you there? JOE: Right here, Mr.
James.
You just can't see me.
Okay.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Whoa.
Whoa! God, Joe! I'm-- I'm in my old ranger uniform.
This is so weird.
You're telling me.
Matthew, what are you doing here? I don't know.
Joe counted to three and the next thing I knew, I was-- Dude, you were like a baby in 1968.
Yeah, well, I'm here now, Mr.
Hypnotist.
You look great.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Don't worry, Mr.
James.
I'll snap him out of there for you.
What? No, no, no.
Don't! Oh! Ahh! Don't do it, Joe.
I-I can't believe I'm saying it, but I need him here.
I need him here to watch my back.
Oh, my God.
[.]
Okay, now I want you to step slowly through this door and out into the bullpen.
Joe.
This place is crawling with hippies.
Don't worry, Mr.
James.
Ah! They're just harmless hippie people, they're not gonna hurt you.
Now tell me what you see.
[WHIMPERING.]
JIMMY: Longhaired hippie people, Joe.
Scary hippie monster men.
And a handful of miniskirt-wearing hippie chicks.
Hey, baby.
Where's the love end, huh? Matthew, I will snap you out of there so fast.
No, no.
Please.
Don't, don't, don't.
I'll-- I'll-- I'll be good.
I promise.
I hear these '60s girls are kinda slutty.
All right now, Mr.
James, before I have you relive your attack, I think you should walk around and soak it all in.
All right.
Ahem.
[WHIMPERS.]
Wow, I-- I can't believe it.
It's like-- It's like I'm really back in the '60s, Joe.
Totally.
Oh, my God.
Look.
Through the doorway.
That's Vietnam.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
[EXOTIC BIRD CALLING.]
Joe.
Matthew's making me see Vietnam in the foyer.
What? Dude, Vietnam is not in the foyer.
I just call 'em like I sees 'em.
Mr.
James, listen to me.
That is not Vietnam in the foyer.
Well, what is it then? Uh, it's some kind of a magical candy land.
With mountains made of gumdrops.
[.]
Thanks, Joe.
No problem.
Well, I don't see what Mr.
James is so scared about.
These people seem so-- Oh, my-- I know you.
Joe, Matthew's kinda ruining it for me.
I'm on it.
Sorry, Matthew.
Party's over.
No, no, no, no, don't.
I-- I-- I like hippies.
I order you to snap out of it.
[FINGERS SNAP.]
Thanks again, Joe.
No problem.
Okay.
Can I, uh? Can I go to Candy Land now? I guess you've earned a break.
Thank you.
[.]
Wait.
You're letting her chew on a shoe? Yeah.
So what? It's a really bad habit.
Now she's gonna start chewing on my shoes when she gets home.
Well, actually, you know what? This is one of your shoes.
Yeah.
I'm sure this wouldn't fit me.
Hey, Beth, I am so-- Oooh, go-go girls.
It's all right.
Pay no attention to him.
Look, listen, listen.
I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but I am afraid you can no longer play with my puppy.
Do you realize how low that is? I'm sorry.
Look, I'm very sorry.
But when I brought her, she was sweet.
Now you've turned her into-- I turned her into what? You've turned her into Max.
[GASPS.]
Take that back! H-how you doing, sir? Huh? Well, I'm-- I'm pretty good.
Pretty good, considering I'm surrounded by a bunch of damn hippies.
But don't worry, Dave.
I mean, When they come after me, I'll be ready.
[IMITATES SCRAPING.]
I let him think he has a machete.
Joe, look.
This is-- This is dangerous.
You should snap him out of it.
Relax, dude.
It's a pretend machete.
Joe, please.
All right, fine.
Mr.
James, I order you to come back now.
Whoa.
Heh-heh! That was weird.
Okay.
So you're back with us now? Huh? Oh, hey, Dave.
Yeah.
I'm-- I'm back.
All the way? All the way back? Uh-huh.
Hippies! Joe! Joe! I'm just kidding you.
I'm kidding you.
Ha-ha-ha! All right.
Well, that was pretty good for a first run.
What I think we have to do next time-- No, no, no.
No next time.
What do you mean, no next time? I'm not comfortable with you monkeying with his brain like this.
He like it when I monkey with his brain.
Well, I do.
But you know what? I think Dave's actually right here.
You know what? I get nightmares watching Cheech and Chong movies.
I'm sorry, son.
I-- I just can't go back there.
Way to go, Dave.
Mm-hm.
Well? Hey, I think the go-go dancers are warming up.
Daisy's gone.
She ran off? I'm sure she's still on the floor.
No, Dave, Beth stole her.
What? Max, get in here.
Would it help if I said I'm really sorry? No.
Well, what happened? Max held me back while Beth stole my dog.
I said I was sorry.
I want my puppy back.
Hello? I am apologizing.
I don't have all day.
Forgive me.
Max, please.
Just go find Beth and bring the puppy back.
LISA: Thank you.
Oh, all right.
You don't have to yell.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Do you think I'm too strict with Daisy? No.
Uh, y-you seem very loving with that dog.
Well, I don't feed her donuts like Beth does.
That's just because Beth enjoys cleaning up puppy vomit more than you do.
Good news, Dave.
Nixon beat Humphrey? No.
Mr.
James agreed to let me put him under one more time.
Joe, Mr.
James is a human being, not your plaything.
Well, let's just keep that our little secret.
Come on.
He says he needs your moral support.
What is he talking about? Joe is trying to hypnotize Mr.
James to cure him of his irrational fear of hippies.
I thought that's what pot was for.
I told you, dude, you're not going with him.
I know.
Then go stand over there.
Fine.
All right, Mr.
James, are you relaxed? Yeah.
I am.
But I-I- need 'em here.
Are they here? Yes, Right here.
Okay.
Okay, sir.
I want you to open your eyes.
And when you do you're gonna be back where you were when you were attacked.
Ready? Now.
[INHALES.]
Jimmy's scared.
I know you are, sir.
But I want you to tell me what you see.
I see hippies, Joe.
Three big, mean hippies.
[AS JOE.]
What are they doin'? Can't tell.
[AS DAVE.]
Sir, please come back.
[JIMMY WHIMPERING.]
Come on, man.
Give him a chance.
Think, Mr.
James, what do you really see? [AS LISA.]
Mr.
James? Can you talk? Are you okay, Mr.
James? Well, yeah.
He-- He looks fine, but those-- Those hippies sound like you guys.
Oh, man.
Have you gotten back there again? I'm sorry.
I was listening to the sound of your voice and I just got a little sleepy.
JOE: All right, Matthew, can you tell me what they're wearing? Well, they're wearing, uh, chain mail.
And-- And-- And-- And Dave's broadsword has a-- Uh, a red handle.
Matthew, you're describing Dungeons & Dragons characters.
You see it too, Dave? Matthew? Yeah.
Chicken.
[CLUCKING.]
All right, sir.
I want you to concentrate.
Concentrate on me.
Concentrate.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm concentrating.
I am.
I'm-- Joe.
Yes, Mr.
James? They-- They're coming towards me.
Make 'em stop it.
Mr.
James, you're shaking.
[WHIMPERING.]
Matthew.
[CLUCKING.]
I'm-- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ahhh! I remember now.
These aren't hippies.
They're They're Hell's Angels.
Get him outta there, Joe.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Am I glad to see you guys.
That must have been terrifying.
Oh, hell, yes.
I'm-- Matthew, get off me.
[CLUCKS.]
I must've been, uh, traumatized by the attack that I just totally blanked on the fact that they were bikers, not hippies.
Are you saying Joe cured you? Well, hell, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm-- I'm back in business.
You know, bring on the damn hippies.
I'll chew 'em up.
May I be the first to say that I am the greatest? And may I be the second? Come on, my man.
Let me buy you a drink.
Dave? Uh-huh? Um, how about, uh? [CLUCKING.]
You know, he's happier that way.
Think so? I'm happier to have him that way at any rate.
Beth.
Daisy.
Hello, puppy.
BETH: Lisa.
My little puppy.
Lisa? I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I just wanted to show Daisy a good time.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I guess I just got carried away.
The important thing is I have my dog now.
So can I see her? The second thing I wanna tell you is your dog is sick.
What? What did you do to her? Anything that I did was out of pure love.
I just need you to know that.
It wasn't so much me as the hot dog vendor.
You fed her hot dogs from a street vendor? She liked them so much.
She was having a good time.
Weren't you, honey? Excuse us.
But you know hot dog vendors.
They're the greatest salesmen in the world.
[SIGHS.]
Well, there you are.
I got sick looking for you.
What are you talking about? I was out looking for you.
And you know hot dog vendors.
They're like the greatest salesmen in the world.
[.]
[.]