Parks and Recreation s05e14 Episode Script

_ This is the best night ever.
I wish we were getting married tonight.
Let's just do it then.
Leslie Let's get married.
Tonight.
- Are we really doing this? - I gue-- Why not? The gala ends at 11:00.
At 11:01, we get married.
Okay But, wait, my mom isn't here.
- And your parents aren't here.
- Good.
Yeah, that makes it better.
But we reserved a space for May 16th.
And we just ordered - We did? - You did, actually.
It's under your name.
Leslie, we can get married May 16th, or June 1st, or July 57th.
But doesn't it feel right, today? Yeah, it does.
Every time you say it, it just feels more right.
Oh, my God, we're getting married tonight.
- This is really great.
- Yeah.
You're either in or your out, buddy.
Iit was my idea, I'm totally in.
Wait, no.
We can't-- this is our wedding day.
This is very bad luck, turn around.
We can't look at each other! Well, you are aware that we've seen each other several times today.
We have two hours to do this.
I want you to get everyone together, and meet me at Ann's house in ten minutes.
Okay.
Oh, wait, before we get married, there is something we need to discuss.
I mean, we've never talked about it, but I really want you to take my last name.
Oh! Oh.
Okay.
Really? Yeah, it's just really important to me, symbolically, that Leslie Knope disappears and becomes Leslie Wyatt.
Or Councilwoman Mrs.
Ben Wyatt.
That's fine too.
It's a deal breaker.
Wait, are you messing with me? Sorry, I had to give it a shot.
Ben, now go, run! Okay, okay.
Wait.
Where do I go? Run! The falcon is entering! The turtledove acknowledges! Hey, where are you? I'm-I'm here.
Okay, let's go over the duties right now.
Ann, you're in charge of the dress and the hair and the makeup.
And I was thinking, like, the sensuality of Eleanor Roosevelt combined with the animal magnetism of Lesley Stahl.
Piece of cake.
Oh, we have to get the wedding cake.
I'll do that too.
I'm perfectly calm.
I feel like every crazy thing Leslie's ever had me do has been, like a drill, and today is the real thing.
I'm ready, because I had the greatest teacher in the world.
Leslie.
Who is crazy.
Also, we need rings and marriage licenses.
Oh, let me be on rings.
I love what they symbolize.
- Great.
- And I can do the license.
I got a guy that works at City Hall.
That guy's my wife.
- Um, you also work there.
- Oh, yeah.
Ron, I'm gonna need you to walk me down the aisle.
It would be an honor, and the first time I won't regret walking down the aisle.
Oh, uh, yikes.
- We need an officiant.
- I got this.
You can become an ordained minister online in, like, five minutes.
Do you want more like a Steve Harvey vibe or straight-up Seacrest? Nuh! Never mind.
I'll combine 'em-- Steve-crest.
Okay, and, um, Jerry and Donna, I need you guys to just make sure that the gala runs smoothly.
Let's say that we're all gonna meet back here in an hour.
I love all of you.
One, two, three, break! Excuse me.
We're looking for a couple wedding rings.
You're gonna wanna look through the jewelry and nails tray.
There is some beautiful jewelry in here.
But be careful.
There's also nails.
Oh! Oh, these aren't bad.
Those are real nice.
And they were nipple rings, at one point.
How do you know that? - Mm.
- They were yours.
They were his.
Let's go.
Hey, it's pretty crazy, I'm gonna be a cop tomorrow.
I guess I better commit as many crimes as possible tonight.
Get it out of my system.
Ooh, found the marriage licenses.
And I am going to take all of them.
I don't want anyone else in this town to get married, because it makes it less special for us.
Good call, babe.
- Let's roll.
- Okay.
I'm good! It's not finished.
Why didn't the seamstress finish it? If you're not gonna finish something three months early, then don't accept the job.
There's got to be something we can do.
This wedding is meant to be.
We're gonna figure it out.
Now how did Cinderella finish her dress so fast? - Squirrels and birds.
- Mm.
- That's not very helpful.
- No.
- Hey, we got it! - We got it.
Marriage license--done.
Wait a minute, hold on.
It needs to be signed by somebody at the City Clerk's Office.
I'll just forge it.
I forge government documents all the time.
- That's true.
- Boom.
No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So we didn't find any rings.
Yeah, we're having a few roadblocks here.
Kind of feels like this thing is falling apart.
Don't panic.
I swear there's some rings in this old box of stuff my mom gave me.
Still here at April and Andy's house.
Want to come help me look? Okay, Ann, dress duty.
April and Andy, license duty.
No time for verbs.
I know you're in a rush, Leslie.
I should point out that you said "duty" twice.
Okay.
Aw, shucks, business is a-boomin'.
Indiana celebrity look-alikes.
I mean, this is a brilliant idea, Donna.
All my favorites are here.
We got Orville Redenbacher, La Toya Jackson, Axl Rose, David Letterman.
Look, don't tell anyone, but I booked a special surprise.
There's a Li'l Sebastian look-alike on the way-- what? What? Oh, my G-- Oh! Oh.
Did you just pee your pants? Just a dab.
I better go clean up.
You nasty, Jerry.
Third time this week.
- Oh, what the hell! - What's wrong? "Your Minister Certification will be emailed to you in 24 hours.
" Uhh! But this is America.
I want it now! Sorry, Tom, that's what happens.
I had all these great bits written for the wedding too.
I was gonna beatbox.
There's a dance breakdown.
I'm talking, like, six guaranteed applause breaks.
Uh, you know, I am actually ordained.
I could do the wedding.
That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
Yeah, you're right, okay.
Wait! What if you do the ceremony, but you don't have any stupid ideas of your own, and you just say the stuff that I came up with? Anything to help Leslie.
Perfect.
Now shut up and start memorizing.
We open with Will Smith's monologue from the modern cinematic classic Hitch.
Turtledove? Falcon? - Turtledove.
- Falcon? - Turtledove.
- There's your butt.
Hey.
Did you find the rings? No rings, just a tennis bracelet and a necklace that says "Wine Chick.
" No rings, no license, no dress.
This idea felt so right, but maybe it's just too crazy.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Hey, it's snowing.
- It's him.
- What? Who? I can't see.
I don't understand, this is impossible.
Wh-- Whoa.
Li'l Sebastian? No, no, sorry.
Actually, this is Bucky.
He's a, uh, licensed Li'l Sebastian impersonator.
We're headed to the gala, so folks can pose for pictures with him.
if you're interested.
Quiet, you.
This is Li'l Sebastian, and this is a sign.
We're gonna do this.
We are gonna pull this wedding off.
- Come on, Bucky.
- Li'l Sebastian.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh my God, we're running out of time.
Ann, please, tell me that you have sewn a new dress from scratch.
Or several dresses, 'cause I would love some options.
I have an idea, and it might be insane, but I've been watching a lot Project Runway recently In the past eight years.
Okay, great, so I trust you, and make it work.
No time to do the Tim Gunn voice.
Wait, what am I talking about? There's always time.
Designers, make it work.
Ann, you have less than an hour.
Miss Beavers, this is official police business.
I hope we didn't wake you up.
It's after 10:00.
I've been asleep for four hours.
What do you want? We need you to sign this.
It's a marriage license.
Ethel? Is it robbers? No, go back to bed.
Aww, is that your husband? I'm not married.
I was on a date tonight.
It went well, he's sleeping over.
Cool.
It'd really mean a lot if you sign it.
It's for Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt.
I think you know them? They dragged me out in the freezing cold once, so they could tell each other "I love you.
" It was annoying.
Oh, thank you so much! You have got an amazing house and a really cool nightgown and seem to be super good at dating.
Yeah, so can we adopt you as our grandma? - Fine.
- Cool! We love you, Grandma! I guess we could go to a pharmacy, but I really don't want to use like a cheap plastic ring.
I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.
What--what is this? It's a toe ring with a brown gemstone? Is this a ruby that's gone bad? I am out of ideas.
Jewelry store.
No, that's closed, that's why we're doing this.
Perhaps I can be of service.
How? How much do you think Ann would miss this sconce? Oh, I don't know.
It's part of her house.
Well, okay.
"When I heard Ben was getting married, I was like, 'to Leslie or to Game of Thrones'?" Ugh, horrible delivery.
"You ever heard Leslie talk about Ben's butt? "I'm all like, 'damn, girl, you mad sweet on that back meat.
'" You're murdering my beautiful words! Do you even want to kill at this wedding? I just want Leslie and Ben to have a nice night.
- I'm sorry.
I-- - No, no.
It's my fault for believing in you.
Well, look, um, to be official, I just have to do the vows and the pronouncement.
So why don't you handle the speech, and then I'll just come in at the end? Well, I'm not crazy about the part where you do something.
But, I do like the idea me doing something.
Let's give it a shot.
Hello, everyone.
Got some bad news.
The gala ends at 11:00.
The good news is, at 11:01, we'll be holding a special wedding ceremony.
Everyone is invited to stay.
All the drinks and the food will be on us.
Hey, everything going okay? Everything would be peachy if it weren't for that dumbass with a megaphone.
No one wants a park here.
Parks are stu-pid.
Hey, butter-teeth, what's up? I can fix those chompers for you.
Just come to Jamm Orthodontics.
Councilman Jamm, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? Parks are stu-pid.
Hey, enough.
You better give me back that megaphone.
That belongs to my aunt.
Why don't I call you a cab? Mm.
No, this isn't over, Knope.
It is over.
I won fair and square.
And, in a half an hour, I am getting married over there to the most perfect man in the world.
And all my dreams are coming true.
Knope rules, Jamm sucks.
Knope rules, Jamm sucks.
Knope rules, Ja-- Councilman Howser.
Leslie.
Jeremy.
You better make sure my aunt gets her megaphone back.
Okay, did I-- did I do it right? - How's it look? - Terrible.
And perfect.
I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight.
And I have already broken that promise five times.
But I will not break it a sixth.
Go ahead and let it out, buddy.
It's okay.
- I have something for you.
- All right.
It is the letter from the statehouse Telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee.
Dated may 1st, 2010.
No way.
We were supposed to be here eight weeks.
I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.
Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
It's okay, buddy, let it out.
I gathered up all the meaningful bills, pictures, documents, and memos from your career.
What do you think? Is it okay? It is the most beautiful object I have ever seen.
It is like the Ann Perkins of dresses.
Yay.
It is amazing.
All set.
Leslie, wow! You look amazing.
Right? - Oh, my God! - What? I'm not supposed to see you before the wedding.
- No, that's the groom - I ruined it! Andy, that's the groom.
Well, I saw him too.
I'm just gonna cover my eyes, just to be safe.
Okay, so we're ready out there.
For your wedding or whatever.
Oh, my God, the license, the rings, the officiant, everything? Yes, it all came together.
Let's go.
Boo, boo.
Boo, Leslie Knope, boo.
Here comes the boo all dressed in boo boo, Leslie Knope boo, boo-oo-oo-oo Boo! Dude, what are you doing? I'm being awesome.
Boo, boo, Leslie, boo.
My friend, I don't think you understand what a bad idea this is.
I don't think you understand that I would have got a cut of that new Paunch Burger if she hadn't screwed everything up.
So sorry, guys! This wedding is canceled, 'cause the bride is a b-hole.
- Hey! - Check this out.
Stink bomb! Who knows what that does? Oh! Stink bomb? Are you joking? Oh, my God! Where did you even get a stink bomb? Amazon, baby, that's how.
You are looking at a prime customer, everybody.
Two days free shipping for this guy.
Let's get this party started with another one, gang! No! It's terrible! Jerry, you do the wedding.
Who cares? Come on, man, just go home.
And who's gonna make me? It's your wedding day.
I'll handle this.
Here comes the bride.
- Time to go, sir.
- No.
Hey, get off me, what the hell, man? - Don't you touch me.
- Oh.
I'll give you that one.
- But if you do it again-- - If I do what again? What, kick your ass? Is that what you like? You want me to just pound-- Ooh! Ow.
Yay, best wedding ever.
Ow.
You broke my tooth.
Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.
Yeah, it is a good thing.
You see my house? - Five bathrooms.
- Great.
- I'm sorry, Leslie.
- For what? I've never presented a bride on her wedding day, so I'm not 100% sure of the duties involved, but I don't think you're supposed to punch a man in the mouth during the service.
I think that's exactly what you're supposed to do, if that mouth is attached to a drunk jerk-face.
Well, please, don't worry about me.
- Just go and get married.
- No.
- Leslie.
- Ron.
Listen to me very carefully.
I lost my father when I was ten, I don't have any brothers, and Ken Burns never wrote me back.
So I am not getting married without you there to walk me down the aisle.
End of discussion.
Better get used to this, honey.
Gonna be a lot of late nights for me here.
Graveyard shift.
You coming to bring me coffee while I interrogate murderers.
You've had all night to get something out of him, Dwyer, - we gotta let him go.
- Come on, Captain.
I'm this close to getting a confession.
You're never gonna break him, Dwyer.
He's a psychopath.
He chopped off both of his arms, so he wouldn't leave any fingerprints.
Oh, he did? Well, how did he murder the person? - I don't know.
- Hey, Chief Fugleberg.
It's me, Andy Dwyer, pre-reporting for duty.
Listen, about my new partner.
Is it a dog? Oh, has Chris Traeger not told you? Told me what? Hey, Ron, we posted bail.
- You're free to go.
- Wait a minute, what? He punched me in the teeth.
This is an outrage.
I think we have a pretty clear picture of what went down.
Sleep it off in the cell, Councilman.
Leslie, I'm so sorry.
I think we missed it.
The gala's over, they're taking it all down.
Yeah, it's okay.
I mean, I guess it just wasn't meant to be, after all.
We'll get married in May like we planned.
You know what? I have some champagne, back at the office.
Let's go back there, have a drink, toast to Pawnee Commons.
Fun.
That's a good idea.
It'll be good, 'cause I actually have some work I need to get started on.
I got five bathrooms.
I love the first floor of City Hall at night.
When all the fluorescents are half-off.
Just makes the informational fliers look so beautiful.
I've never willingly been here later than 5:04 p.
m.
Before we go inside, I'd like to say something.
You are a wonderful person.
Your friendship means a lot to me.
And you look very beautiful.
Okay, weirdo.
Let's go.
Hoo, boy.
All set? Mmhmm Jerry, everything I wrote is wrong.
There's, like, 20 minutes of Hitch quotes before I even say Leslie's name.
What do I do? You know what, Tom? Just speak from the heart, okay? You'll do great.
We are gathered here tonight to join Leslie Knope and Benjamin Wyatt in marriage.
It's been a long and winding road for these two lovebirds.
And they're so impatient to begin their lives together they've moved their wedding date up three months.
So I say, let's keep it short and sweet.
Yes, just do it already.
I assume, and hope, you prepared your own vows? Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie? In my time working for the state government, my job sent me to 46 cities in 11 years.
I lived in villages with eight people, rural farming communities, college towns.
I was sent to every corner of Indiana.
And then I came here.
And I realized that, this whole time, I was just wandering around, everywhere, just looking for you.
Leslie, do you want to say some stuff about Ben now? Okay, well, the first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.
But I don't have them with me today.
Although maybe there's a copy of them in my office.
No.
That's fine, that's fine.
- I think we can just keep going.
- Okay.
Here's what I'll say, then.
The things that you have done for me, to help me, support me, surprise me, to make me happy, go above and beyond what any person deserves.
You're all I need.
I love you and I like you.
I love you and I like you.
And now, with the power vested in me by the state of Indiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss the-- well, oops, okay.
- Yay! - Whoo! Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering.
I am already pouring.
- You don't have to drink yours.
- Thank you.
Just this once, I thought I nailed something.
Well, I'm still proud of you.
You worked hard and you got really close.
Close only counts in horse grenades.
- What? - It's a saying.
Because if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off.
It's from the movie Seabiscuit.
How's it going in here? Good.
I was just telling Andy that I'm proud of him.
Oh.
And I was just explaining to April that I'm a failure, and she should leave me for Orin.
Andy, this is a very important moment for you.
How we deal with tragedy defines who we are.
I used to be terrible at it.
Beyond terrible.
You are not going to let this deflate you.
You are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and we will figure out what the next step is.
Chris can be very Paternal.
I look around this room.
If it weren't for Leslie Knope, none of us would be here.
So, Leslie, this song, which is for Li'l Sebastian, is for you.
Up in horsey heaven, here's the thing you trade your legs for angel's wings and once we've all said good-bye you take a running leap, and you learn to fly Bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian miss you in the saddest fashion There were a lot of signs that Ben and I should get married tonight.
But, truth be told, we just really wanted to get married.
When you're in love, everything seems like a sign.
I love my husband.
I love my job.
And I love my friends.
Even though they really can't handle their booze.
Hey, we should just go, right? Careful.
Spread your wings and fly spread your wings and fly It's not rocket science.
I removed the sconce Fired up my grandfather's torch, heated up the pieces in a cast-iron bucket.
Liquefied the metal.
Pour it into a mold.
Obviously keep it over a low flame to achieve a nice temper.
Cooled it in antifreeze.
And just forged and shaped the rings.
Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same.
Whole thing only took me about 20 minutes.
People who buy things are suckers.