Quantum Leap s05e14 Episode Script

Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr.
Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished.
He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better.
His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear.
And so, Dr.
Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
Well? Uh, well-w-well, what? What do you think? Uh, could you, uh, r- repeat that question? Is the size of a man's feet related to the size ofhis love muscle? Oh, boy.
Should I repeat the question? N- No, don't repeat it.
I heard it just fine.
The man's size of his foot- You know, clowns wear really big shoes.
The guy I'm dating has very small feet.
Uh, well, uh, my feet- Of course, why would you want to know about Dr.
Ruth's feet? But I have a friend who has- And- Could we go to the next caller, please? This is Tony from Lindenhurst.
I really dig your show.
Thank you, Tony.
I got this problem with my girlfriend.
No matter where we go, she always puts her hand on my crotch.
Ah.
Uh, have you tried just holding hands? Well, she does it when I'm driving on the turnpike.
Make her sit in the backseat.
Next.
What has gotten into her? I think it's funny.
You think balancing a spoon on your nose is funny.
It is.
I have a problem most people would envy.
Yes? What is your problem? Well, I get orgasms that are so incredible and overwhelming that I end up pushing my husband out ofbed.
The last time, he got all bruised and scraped.
Is there any answer for me? Knee pads? Next.
Commercial.
She's on a roll.
I said, commercial.
We'll be right back with Dr.
Ruth Westheimer after these important messages.
Are you all right, Ruth? Uh-huh.
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
Knee pads? Kinky.
Eh- Don't question me while we're on the air.
What's the matter with you? Have you been here, Al? Listening in? Yeah, I heard a little of it.
I gotta get out of here fast.
Why? This sounds like a great leap to me.
You just sit here and you talk about sex.
No.
Sam, look at it as a learning experience.
It may sound like fun, but it's not for me.
They're asking some very embarrassing questions.
Like what? You heard the one about the knee pads.
Sam, sex is not dirty.
It's a very natural thing.
Being frank about it and educating your children to be morally responsible and safe is better than sweeping it under the rug.
That's a pretty mature attitude, coming from somebody like you.
It's not coming from me.
That's coming from the real Dr.
Ruth in the waiting room.
But you remember it until Ziggy can figure out why you're here.
No, you can't leave! You're an expert on this stuff.
You gotta help me answer these questions.
You're doing fine.
I'm not doing fine.
You gotta stay here.
Help me answer these questions.
Oh, hey! You know the question about the shoe size? - Yeah.
- Just call me big foot.
- We're coming back in- - Al! Al! - What was that? - I'll be ready.
Welcome back to Dr.
Ruth's Frank Talk About Sex.
Our next caller is Annie from Manhattan.
Go ahead, Annie.
You're on the air.
Hi, Dr.
Ruth.
Hi, Annie.
Hi.
Uh, I'm calling because I have a problem with my boss.
What kind of a problem? Well, at first he was really nice.
I'm new in town, so he took me out for a drink after work as kind of a welcome to New York City, but then he started coming on to me.
- He wanted to have sex with me.
- What did you do? Well, I said no.
I keep saying no, but he won't leave me alone.
- He keeps calling me on the phone- - I've got multiple orgasms on line four.
Let her talk.
I can't say them on the air, but he sends me letters too, and I know he's been following me.
We're out in 10 seconds.
- Let her finish.
- Annie, have you told anyone about this? No.
I can't.
I'll lose myjob.
We're out.
Go ahead.
That's all the time we have for today, Annie, but you can meet Dr.
Ruth in person at Cleary's Bookstore - Stay on the line, okay? Annie, did you hear me? Someone's coming.
I gotta go.
Annie.
Dr.
Ruth's Frank Talk About Sex.
Annie? Why did you cut her off? I left the line open.
She hung up.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Ruth.
- Doug never should have cut her off.
- I didn't cut her off.
You think we could trace the call? Too late now.
- This is not my fault.
- I never said it was.
No, you didn't have to.
Sam, let's talk.
You two look like you could use a little privacy, huh? You're projecting.
You're feeling guilty, and you're projecting it on me.
Great.
This is psychobabble, right? You never used to talk this way until you started to see the shrink.
Therapist, Doug, not shrink.
Therapist.
Therapist.
Al, I think I know why I'm here.
Oh? It's that girl who just called.
Oh, was that the call from the woman who kicked her husband out of bed when she was having an orgasm? No, no.
Didn't you hear the last phone call? No.
I must have missed it.
How could you miss it? I was with Dr.
Ruth.
She is a sharp cookie.
All right.
The caller said that her boss was harassing her on the job because she wouldn't sleep with him.
I want you to ask Ziggy what the odds are I'm here to help her.
What's her name? Annie.
Just Annie? Just Annie? Well, I didn't have time to get her last name.
Annie.
She lives in Manhattan.
Annie in Manhattan.
Yeah.
Well, since there were 6,280 Annies in Manhattan in 1984, don't you think you could be just a little more specific? I can't be more specific, Al, because I don't know anything else.
She sounded young, okay? She sounded like she was in her 20s.
Oh, the young-sounding Annie.
She's Annie.
She lives in Manhattan.
I don't know any more.
I think you should just forget Annie because Ziggy says there's a 72% chance that you're here to play with matches.
What? Stinkin' thing.
Play- Oh, ma-ma- matchmaker.
To play matchmaker.
Matchmaker? To whom? That makes sense, because Dr.
Ruth loves to play matchmaker.
W - Who, Al? She's made, oh, hundreds and hundreds of matches.
Al.
Al.
Who? Just dozens and dozens.
Doug and Debbie.
Doug and Debbie who? Doug and- Debbie Schaefer, your producer, and Doug Bridges, your announcer.
They're on one week, they're off one week - No.
No, Al.
But Ziggy says they should be together.
They hate each other.
Well, every couple has a spat now and then.
You jerk.
Motor mouth.
Pig.
What do you want from me? Nothing.
! Then why did you make such a big deal about that phone call? Oh, big deal, big deal.
It's a match made in heaven.
Yo, taxi.
! Yo, taxi, over here.
! Next, please.
I can't thank you enough for your book, Dr.
Ruth.
Oh, well, you don't have to thank me.
No, really.
It helped me explain things to my daughter, and believe me, I'd rather have her hear those things from me than someone else.
Oh, great.
Next? Your chapter on foreplay was so imaginative.
That's me- uh, imaginative.
Any other pointers? Uh, no.
No, everything you need to know is in here.
I mean, everything you need to know about everything.
You know, my favorite quote from your book is, "Having good sex is like getting to Carnegie Hall: All it takes is practice, practice, practice.
" Yeah, practice makes perfect.
Okeydoke.
Could you make it out to Annie? I brought my own pen.
Annie, what's your last name? Wilkins.
Annie Wilkins.
Listen, I'm sorry I hung up on you.
I was at work.
You know how it is.
The walls have ears.
Where do you work, Annie? At a law office.
I'm just a secretary, but someday I want to be a lawyer.
That's why I came to New York.
Now I've spoiled everything.
No, you haven't.
I never should have let Jonathan take me out after work.
- Jonathan's your boss? ' - Yeah.
I thought it was okay, you know? I mean, he said he wanted to help me.
If I knew that's what he wanted, I never would have gone.
- I'm so stupid.
- Now you listen to me.
You're not stupid and you haven't done anything wrong.
Yeah, but I don't know how to make him stop.
Every time the phone rings, my stomach turns into knots.
I'm messing up at work.
I never know what he's gonna do next.
My best friend says I should quit, but I don't want to give up.
Tell you what.
Let me finish up here and we'll go have a cup of coffee and we can talk.
- I don't drink coffee.
- Okay, forget coffee.
Root beer float.
Excuse me.
Could I get by, please? Uh, I have to go.
Annie? Where's Dr.
Ruth going? I'll be right back.
Annie? Annie.
! Wait a sec.
Annie.
! Annie! An- Look out, lady.
You crazy? Taxi! Hey, hey.
! Taxi.
! Taxi! Wait, taxi! That guy's deaf.
He didn't hear me.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
It's rush hour in midtown Manhattan.
You'll never get a taxi.
Forget about it.
All right.
Okay.
Al, I found out her name.
It's Annie Wilkins.
And she's in big trouble.
We don't know about that.
Look- No, the data on Annie Wilkins is very sketchy.
I gotta help her.
She's in trouble.
No, you're the one that's in trouble.
The odds on Doug and Debbie getting back together just slipped 12%.
What happened? They got in a fight about whose fault it was the last time they broke up.
That was the fourth time they broke up.
Maybe if they break up all the time they're not supposed to be together.
No, Dr.
Ruthie says they're perfect for each other.
"Ruthie"? They never fight about anything serious.
One time they'll fight because she left the bathroom a mess.
Another time they'll get in a fight because he doesn't call her.
Well, if Dr.
Ruth is the expert, then why isn't she here? Because I guess you can do something that she can't- But that's hard for me to believe because the last session that we had together, Dr.
Ruthie raised- Wait a second! Some very important observations.
Wait a second.
I was very - What? You're having counseling sessions with Dr.
Ruth while I'm stuck here in 1985? Lookit.
Ziggy says you're here to help Doug and Debbie.
Unless you do something about that, you're gonna stay stuck in 1985, wearing your silly high heels and your stupid dresses and talking to strangers about G-spots.
All right.
All right.
Look.
Why did Doug and Debbie break up? Which time? The last time.
Why don't you ask them? Uh- It was about sex.
Are you all right? - Just went down the wrong pipe.
- Mmm.
His genitals and my orgasms.
That's all he wanted to talk about.
Yeah, well, that's pretty much would, uh, cover everything.
Eh, have you decided what you want to eat yet? You know, it's not like I don't have them.
The Caesar salad looks pretty good.
I have never faked one in my life.
Linguine, maybe.
Linguine, yup.
That's what I'll have.
Some linguine.
Do you know that Doug actually counted them? I mean, if I didn't have multiples, forget it.
What does he think sex is, a football game? "And Bridges goes long.
It's between the uprights, and it's- "it's- it's a touchdown! And the crowd goes wild.
" Oh, you two talking about sports? In a way.
You didn't tell me this was gonna be dinner for three.
- She didn't tell me either.
- I thought this might be a nice opportunity - to put our problems aside and have a nice, peaceful dinner together.
- Thank you.
Fine-As long as it's strictly business.
Of course it's strictly business.
She made sure of that.
- I did not call off our relationship.
- Just a nice, peaceful dinner.
- Then who did? - He sabotaged it.
It sounds like you sabotage all your relationships with women.
No, I do not.
Now-That fits, huh? Is that better? Much better.
Okay.
Also- We were able to reproduce your eyeglasses.
That's wonderful.
I didn't know how handsome you are.
Oh, well, you're a very charming woman.
Speaking of women- Let's get back to your relationship with women.
Why do you think that you were married five times? I like variety.
If you like variety, you can do something about it.
You don't have to change partners.
You can experiment a little.
Experiment? Yes.
I tell my clients that they can have a drawer full of toys.
- Toys? - Like a new video camera.
That could be lots of fun.
Do you have one of those video cameras? We are not talking about me.
We are talking about you.
And I'm sorry to say, I'm very disappointed in you, Al.
You're disappointed in me? You say this is the future.
I thought by now people like you would have a healthier attitude towards sex.
I have a very healthy attitude towards sex.
I think you have a problem.
With all due respect, Dr.
Ruth, when it comes to women, Al Calavicci doesn't have any problems.
I think you are afraid of something.
You're right: Alimony.
I think you are afraid of being abandoned.
- Baloney.
- You may not even be aware of it.
You see, the fear of abandonment stems from something that happened in your childhood.
When you were a child, did you ever feel abandoned? Well, I- I was raised in an orphanage.
Aha.
You see? Now we are getting somewhere.
That's why we never get anywhere.
Every time we start to get close, you pull away.
- Not the last time.
- No.
The last three times.
Debbie, I gave you a ring.
He gave you a ring? Of course he did.
You remember.
I showed it to you.
How would she remember? You only wore it for three days.
Oh! Cherries jubilee.
Yumola.
Looks a little light on the brandy.
Three days later you said you had the jitters.
You stopped performing, remember? Oh, this sounds juicy.
What do you mean by "performing"? Do I have to spell it out for you? The cork on the champagne bottle wouldn't pop.
Uh-huh.
The thrusters weren't thrusting.
Oh, really? There was no liftoff.
Could we change the subject? No, please.
Let her go ahead.
There's a couple in the next room who didn't hear about my thrusters.
Not so good, Sam.
What am I supposed to do? Get her a bullhorn.
She can announce it from the Chrysler Building.
"Doug's rocket didn't launch.
" Well, do something.
I think that the, uh- that the problem Is that neither one of you want to commit.
That's not true.
- That's ridiculous.
- It's true.
People who are afraid of commitment are afraid because they don't want to get hurt.
See, people abandon a relationship Before the relationship abandons them.
Uh, your mind is merging with Dr.
Ruth, you know.
I don't see what that has to do with our relationship.
You may not even be aware of it.
Did you ever feel abandoned as a child? That's exactly what she said to me.
I guess so.
Yeah, I guess I did too a little.
You did? Yeah.
Aha! Now we are getting somewhere.
She said that too.
I guess I've been insensitive.
I had no idea you were so insecure.
No, I'm the one who should have realized there was a reason why you were so insecure.
I'm not insecure.
Admit it.
Things changed the second you moved in.
Oh, really? How did they change? You turned into an ice princess.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I think we made enough progress for one night here.
I think we just slammed into reverse.
"An ice princess"? Come on.
You made the North Pole look like a tropical paradise.
You-You bought flannel pajamas.
I bought flannel pajamas because you like to sleep with the window open when it's I don't know why we're fighting about this, because it's water under the bridge.
I'll water your bridge.
Debbie.
Debbie.
No, let her go.
Geez.
This may be hard for you to believe right now, but she really loves you.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, she does.
It's just that- If she didn't care so much, she wouldn't get that upset.
I mean- See, the two of you need to get together and talk about your feelings.
That was the problem with the '80s.
You see we are living in a very difficult time in history.
Men's roles and women's roles are changing.
Dr.
Ruth, I know you're trying to help, - but I-I think it's a lost cause.
- Not if you care, it's not.
I do.
L-I care about her.
It's- I just- I met this other girl.
- Huh? - Brenda Jacobs from the Christmas party.
You remember? Uh-oh.
Brenda.
Sounds like trouble.
She's a babe.
Yeah, and so is Debbie.
Brenda Jacobs-She does the news for a station in Buffalo.
It's just- Things are simpler with Brenda.
- She keeps talking about the fact that we should run away together.
- Oh, no.
I know.
I'm not taking her seriously or anything.
- Oh, yes, he is.
He runs off with her.
- You know, I'm impulsive.
Not that impulsive.
And it's a disaster, Sam.
She marries him because she thinks that he can do her career some good.
- Of course, it's very flattering.
- Then they divorce in six months, - and she marries a game show host.
- What about Debbie? She goes to work for a TVstation - What about her? And then, on her first assignment- Oh, she blows it, Sam.
She winds up writing for some retirement newspaper.
Debbie is a very special person.
You can't let her get away from you.
Dr.
Ruth, I've told you.
We've tried everything.
Come on.
We gotta get to the studio.
What for? It's Thursday night.
You do your promos, remember? Yeah.
Let me get this bill here and I'll be right with you.
All right.
I'll get my coat.
Sam, you gotta keep working to get these lovebirds back together.
I'd stay with you, but Dr.
Ruth is expecting me.
What? She says I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough.
Okay, let's try it again.
This is Dr.
Ruth Westheimer.
Tomorrow on Frank Talk About Sex, we're going to discuss some common male sexual dysfunctions- Like premature- premature e- Well, we're gonna discuss a lot of things that I'm sure will be very stimulating.
Uh, uplifting.
Interesting.
And that'll be tomorrow, right here on my show.
Uh, one more time.
No, I think that's enough of that one.
Not that one.
Mmm, not that one either.
I got a call for you, Dr.
Ruth.
It's the girl who phoned in yesterday- The, uh, one with the sex-crazed boss.
Yeah.
Put her through.
Hello? Dr.
Ruth? I'm so glad you're there.
What's wrong? I heard someone outside.
I think it's him.
Call the police.
I'm afraid to hang up.
Just talk to me, please.
All right, Annie.
Where are you? Home.
All right.
Listen to me.
You gotta hang up the phone and dial 911.
No, I don't want to hang up.
I'm scared.
He's gonna do something terrible.
He called me into his office after I got back from the bookstore, and he said he was gonna teach me a lesson for talking to you.
Okay, listen.
Hang up the phone and call the police.
Do you hear me? Annie, do you hear me? Ruth.
! Dr.
Ruth.
What- Annie? Annie? Annie? Open a window.
Annie? Annie.
Annie.
I gotta get you some air.
Easy.
Okay.
Take it easy now.
Thank you.
We'll be fine.
Thank you.
All right.
Just relax.
Get your head back.
Get some air.
Breathe easy.
That's it.
Easy.
What happened? Tell me everything that happened from when you got home.
Everything was fine.
I mean, I was still shaky from whatJonathan said, but I wasn't gonna let it get to me.
I changed my clothes, and it was cold, so I decided to make some tea.
And then, um- And then I heard something outside.
- I know it was him.
- Did you call the police like I asked you to? No.
I was going to, but then I heard the door start to rattle, and I tried to find a place to hide, and then I- I don't remember.
I guess I fainted.
Oh, no, you didn't faint.
The gas from the stove knocked you out.
What, he turned on the gas? Yeah.
Yeah.
Now look.
Just take it easy.
Now I want you to think really hard.
Are you absolutely, positively sure that you lit the stove? Yes, of course I did.
I mean, I've never forgotten before.
Yeah, but you said you heard a noise and you were scared, right? So maybe you turned on the gas, but then you got distracted over here, and then you never lit it.
No, I know I lit it.
No, I remember throwing out the match.
It has to be here.
He took it.
No, I know he did.
He was here.
You don't believe me, do you? Sure, I do.
The important thing is that you get away from this man.
Okay? Before he hurts you or you hurt yourself.
How can I get away? He's my boss.
So what? It's just a job.
You quit.
I can't.
All right.
All right.
You don't quit.
We'll file a complaint against this guy, all right? I don't know.
I do.
Now what do you say? I'll help you clean out your desk in the morning.
Come on.
Why would someone as famous as you care about someone like me? How do you think I got to be so famous? Hmm.
Besides, helping people is what I do for a living.
Believe me, Al, with your kind of problems, you need lots of help.
I thought we already solved my problems.
We identified your basic fear of abandonment.
Now we have to work on getting you in touch with your feelings, and verbalizing them.
We need to open you up.
Oh, but I'm- I'm a very open person, with-with verbal feelings.
Well, then, tell me about your girlfriend.
Well, uh, her name is Tina.
Mm-hmm.
So tell me more.
More about Tina? Mm-hmm.
Uh, well, um- Oh, well.
She's got great casabas.
What are these casabas? Well, you know.
Melons.
Hmm? Hoo-has? Honkers? Hooters? Headlights? Uh, ta-tas? Teeters? Tweeters? Tom-toms? Tetons? Say it.
I'm trying to say it.
Uh, meatballs.
Mangoes.
Cream pies.
Cupcakes? Uh, bangers? Bouncers? Bulumbas? Al- Bazongas? Breasts! I said it.
You see? It wasn't that hard.
Yes, it was.
So how is your sex life with Tina? That's a very personal question.
Not for an open person like you.
Ehh- I finally feel free.
Thank you for coming with me.
The best way you can thank me is by promising you'll file a complaint as soon as you get to a new job.
Yeah.
Newjob? Annie? What's going on? Uh, well, I turned in my resignation.
I, uh- I quit.
You- How can you do this to me? How am I supposed to find a substitute for you at this late notice? I don't know.
Cab's waiting.
You go ahead.
No, you go on.
I'll talk to you in a little while.
Excuse me.
You are Dr.
Ruth Westheimer, aren't you? I love your show.
You must be Annie's boss.
How do you know Annie? Because she came to me for advice, because you've been sexually harassing her on the job.
You're joking, aren't you? This is not a joking matter, Mr.
Holmby.
Annie's not going to file a complaint because she's afraid of what might happen to her career, but someday, someone's not gonna roll over that easy.
Come on, Anita.
Anita.
Listen.
I don't know what she told you, but you've got this all backwards.
- I don't think so.
- Annie's a sweet kid.
I took her out for a drink once or twice, just to be nice.
Yeah, well, maybe you were a little bit too nice.
Oh, no, no.
I treated her just like she was one of the other guys.
She got the wrong idea.
- She thought we were an item.
- That's not what she told me.
Yeah, of course it isn't.
When I tried to let her down easy, it got ugly.
She went crazy.
She kept calling me, usually in the middle of the night.
It got so bad I finally had to change my phone number.
You can check with the phone company about that.
But Annie said you've been following her around.
In fact, she was sure that she saw you yesterday at the bookstore.
I was buying a birthday card for my wife.
You can check that out too.
Dr.
Ruth, I'm a happily married man.
I don't know.
Maybe drawing you into this fantasy ofhers is the best thing that could have happened, 'cause I have tried and tried to get through to her, but it obviously hasn't helped.
Annie's a good kid.
She's talented too.
But this is getting out of hand.
Here.
Uh- If I can help, give me a call.
Nice meeting you.
You're on the air.
Hi, Dr.
Ruth.
This is Teri from Forest Hills.
I'm calling 'cause I feel inadequate.
And why do you feel inadequate, Teri? Well, I'm built like a boy.
I'm completely flat-chested.
I've been thinking about getting breast implants.
Well, you know, Teri, all the evidence isn't in yet about the safety of implants.
Well, my doctor says they're perfectly safe.
They use silicone.
Well, silicone has done a lot of good things, and it's been used for a lot of good things, and things that have benefited modern medicine, but liquid silicone can leak, and in some cases it can cause severe side-effects.
Where is she coming up with this? But my boyfriend says I'm not sexy.
Well, you know, Teri, being sexy is a state of mind.
It's your body, you know, not his, so you do what's- Right for you.
Promise me you'll think it over? I promise.
Good.
Good advice from Dr.
Ruth.
We'll be right back after this short break for News at 9:00, so don't go away.
That was very good.
You just convinced 421 women not to have implants that would have given them adverse reactions.
Doctor, you can take five while we run commercials and some P.
S.
A.
s.
That's very good.
Al? Yeah? Maybe this is it.
Maybe what is what is what? Maybe, because I've been so embarrassed, you know? About talking about sex and having to do it on the radio and everything, that I haven't really realized all the good that I could do.
I mean, think about this.
People really listen to Dr.
Ruth, right? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So, maybe I could do something about teenage pregnancy.
Maybe I could slow down the spread of Al DS.
Maybe I could- Sam - Just think about it for a second, Al.
Wait a second.
You're not here to save the world.
You're here to help some people.
You already changed Annie's life by getting her to quit the job, but now you gotta do something to help Doug and Debbie.
But maybe this leap is different.
Are you worried about drunk drivers? Mothers Against Drunk Driving is having an information meeting at Saint Sebastian's - I know we're not speaking, but, uh, could you take a look at this? We've gotta talk to her.
I mean, think of what I could do.
Yeah, you could throw Dr.
Ruthie right into the loony bin by acting crazy.
But I'm not gonna act crazy.
Dr.
Ruth? Are you all right? Good-bye radio.
Hello, Bellevue.
Of course.
L-I'm fine.
I was just, uh, practicing.
Because, you know, sometimes I have trouble pronouncing things.
- We're worried about you.
- Oh- Doug told me what happened last night when you went charging out ofhere.
And then there was that incident at the bookstore.
Oh, well, that was just, uh, a case of me seeing somebody stealing a book and wanting to catch them.
Because it was a big book- an expensive, big book- like an encyclopaedia, kind of.
They're preparing your padded cell even as we speak.
You know, you really haven't been acting like yourself for the last day or two.
Yeah, well - Hey, look.
They're talking to each other at least.
Now's a good chance to go and try a reconciliation.
You're right.
I have been very upset.
Is it something Doug did? What? No.
It's something you both did.
Me? Us? That's right.
No matter what either of you say, you both care for each other a great deal.
Now, I want you to apologize for the way you've been treating each other.
- Good.
You're making progress.
- Go on.
I want you to both apologize.
I don't need an apologize- It really isn't necessary- Apologize.
Go on.
Douglas, you first.
Go.
Okay.
Um, I'm sorry.
For what? For acting like an idiot.
I, uh- It's been all my fault.
- No, no, it isn't.
It's my fault.
- Would you let me finish my apology? - Sorry.
Go ahead.
- Their odds of getting back together have gone up six percent.
I know this sounds crazy, but maybe we could, uh, forget about what happened before and start over.
Would you be willing to do that? I would if you would.
- This is wonderful.
Keep going.
Doug, there's a call on line eight.
Someone named Brenda.
She says she's a friend of yours.
Brenda? Not Brenda Jacobs, the bimbo from the Christmas party? - Uh-oh.
- Could you tell her I'll call her back, please? You told me you weren't seeing that little tramp anymore.
- H-He's not.
Tell her.
- I'm not seeing the little tramp- her, Brenda-anymore.
- Then why is she calling you? - I don't know, Debbie.
Just because somebody's calling me doesn't mean I'm seeing them.
- Well, what does it mean then? - Well, it- You're on the air in 60 seconds.
Sam, we got problems.
Big problems.
I know.
No, you don't.
Forget about Doug and Debbie.
- It's Annie.
She's in trouble.
- You're on the air in 30 seconds.
You told me I changed her life.
You did.
You changed history, but now, according to Ziggy, Annie dies sometime in the next two hours.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Five, four, three, two- Hi.
We're back with Frank Socks - Frank Talk About Sex.
Uh, the doctor is in.
Sam, come on.
We gotta get out of here.
I know.
We have a caller on the line who has a question about erogenous zones.
I think instead maybe, uh, they'd like to hear from you, Douglas.
Sam, what are you doing? You really don't want to hear about my erogenous zones.
Do you? Well, maybe our listeners would like to hear about your- Relationship with Debbie.
- What? - What? - What? Ladies and gentlemen, we have in our studio today two young, successful people who are very much in love.
But they can't seem to make things work out because they don't know how to communicate.
I don't know who's doing the talking here, you or Dr.
Ruth.
- I don't either.
- Gimme that.
That is not true.
My communication skills are excellent.
Yeah, for a pit bull.
Excuse me? The only time we communicate is when you're chewing me out.
Let's hear what our callers think.
Uh, put a caller through, please.
You are exaggerating, and I hate when you do that.
I said, put a caller on, please.
This is Gladys, from White Plains.
It sounds to me like Doug needs positive strokes from Debbie.
Debbie, can you think of something nice to say to Douglas? Debbie? I like his tie.
Try harder, Debbie.
Sam, have you forgotten Annie Wilkins? I know your mind is merging with Dr.
Ruth, but try to remember- Annie Wilkins.
She's gonna die in two hours, remember? I remember.
I remember.
Okay, look.
Uh, you go check on her, Al.
If this all works out, I'll be out of here in five minutes.
You got it.
Oh.
So how is everything going, sweetie? Well, you seem cheery.
That's good.
Don't let that creep get you down.
Don't answer that.
Finish writing what you're writing there.
Don't answer it! Hello, Annie.
We have to talk.
No.
Douglas, I want you to tell us how you feel about Debbie.
It doesn't matter.
She doesn't care.
Why should I care when you're seeing someone else? He's not seeing someone else.
The only reason he went out with Brenda was because you dumped him.
I didn't dump him.
Okay, I guess I did.
I was afraid.
I was afraid he'd back out, so I backed out first.
That's why I backed out the last time.
The last three times? Yeah.
Douglas, tell her how you feel about her.
Right now, time for the truth.
I'm crazy about you.
I always have been.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I'm crazy about you too.
I think I wanna cry.
This is better than the soaps.
You're not just saying this? No! Are you? Of course not.
Oh, honey, he means it.
This is wonderful.
Let's talk about the future.
Have you thought about kids? Well, somebody better tell Brenda.
You have such a pretty face.
So soft.
Stop it.
Admit it.
You tried every trick in the book to get me to notice you.
This is crazy.
You bet it is.
Come on, Annie.
Don't play hard to get.
I know what you want.
I can see it in your eyes.
Sam, where the hell are you? - Don't come any closer.
- Put that down.
- Put it down.
- You really are a little tease, aren't you? Come on.
Hand it to me.
Come on.
That wasn't nice.
Then get out ofhere - or I'll do it again.
- All right.
Okay.
I'm going, all right? Go.
Oh! Oh, no! No! Gooshie, center me on Sam! What's going on here? - Isn't there another way around this? - Wait till you hear this one.
My wife insists on doing the deed at the stroke of midnight.
I can't stay awake that long.
Sam, that pervert's got Annie.
Come on.
You can't just sit here.
You got any better ideas? I keep telling her it's genetic.
I mean, my pop would nod off every night at 7:00 for 45 years.
What's it like up ahead? - Gridlock.
- Clear to 42nd Street.
All right.
I'm out of here.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
What shall I tell my wife? Tell your wife that the early bird catches the worm.
Come on.
! Dr.
Ruth, uh- Wait.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
Keep the shoes.
Sam, hurry up! Which is the quickest way? That way! What's going on? Are you crazy? What are you doing? Hey.
! I love strong women.
Listen to me, all right? You stop now, or I'm gonna call your wife.
I'm gonna call your wife, and I'm gonna tell her everything.
She already knows.
Oh, no! Tell me you want it.
Tell me you want it! Aah! Annie! - No! - Open the door, Annie! Annie, you can stop playing games now.
Annie, you can let me in, or I'll let myself in.
No! Please go away! Oh, no! Please go.
No, the fun's just starting, sweetheart.
Annie? Oh! I'm here.
Annie, what's the matter with you? Stop it! - Annie? - Thank God someone's here.
I didn't think I could control her.
- I didn't want to hurt her.
- What a liar.
- What happened? - He tried to rape her, that's what happened.
She called.
She said she kill herself if I didn't come here.
No.
That's a lie.
You bet it is.
When I said I wouldn't leave my wife, she went crazy.
She came after me with a kitchen knife.
- How did her blouse get torn? - I got the knife away from her, but came she after me.
Look.
Look what she did to my hand.
The police are gonna have to take a look at this.
Oh, no.
Listen.
I, uh- I won't press charges- You okay? If she promises Go call the police.
There's no need for the police.
You're not going anywhere till the police get here.
Who the hell do you think you are? He's not who you think he is.
- Good flip and kick, Sam.
- Did the job.
Ziggy's now saying that Annie- She goes to law school and becomes an attorney, and she's a pioneer in the field of sexual harassment.
What about Doug and Debbie? They're broadcasting their wedding ceremony even as we speak.
How about that? Unbelievable.
Okay, the police are on their way.
Dr.
Ruth, wh-what happened? He, uh- He must have tripped.
He tripped.
He's not gonna bother you anymore.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'll never forget you.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Annie? Annie, what's going on in there? Yeah, go ahead.
It's all right, Mrs.
Livingstone.
So? So? Well, so? Well, so? So what? Why haven't you leaped? Why haven't I leaped? Exactly.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
Well, ask Ziggy.
Oh.
Uh, hey.
This has never happened before.
What's never happened before? Well, Ziggy says the reason you haven't leaped is me.
I don't believe that.
Neither do I.
Ziggy says the reason you leaped into Dr.
Ruth - was so that she could meet me in the future.
- What for? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know how I feel.
You've been going out for how long now? Four years? Give or take a couple of months.
Yeah.
Tina's crazy about me.
And you are crazy about her, aren't you? Well, no, I wouldn't say that- I- I'd say I- I like her.
You just like her? I like her a lot.
A lot.
Does that mean you love her? Uh- It may have four letters, but "love" is not a dirty word.
Say it.
Uh, - I can't.
- Why not? I said it once, long ago, and once is enough.
That must have been one special love.
It was.
So special you could never love anyone else? Not like that.
Of course, not like that.
Who is asking you to love everyone the same? People are different- unique- so why shouldn't our love for them be different? This person you loved- It was my first wife, Beth.
Did you love this Beth more than you love Tina? Yes.
But it was different.
So you love Tina different than Beth, but you still love her? Yes.
Did you hear what you just said? I said, I love Tina different- I said it.
Maybe I tricked you into it, but you said it.
Now say it again, and drop the "different" part.
That's a given.
I love Tina.
Now go tell her.
Okay.
Gee, thanks, Doc.
Next.