Rescue Me s05e14 Episode Script
Wheels
Previously on rescue me - What are you doin'? - You got the cancer.
I came over to try to end it for you before it turns ugly.
- Now lay down.
- I--I don't care,teddy.
I just--I really wanna live,ok? Can you--can you just put the pillow down,please? He can drink all the booze he wants.
Won't matter a bit.
Ain't no tears inside of bottles.
He cried 'em all when connor got crushed.
Face the music,assholes.
He's gone,dead as a doornail inside,just like me.
Only,he's still walking around.
- You're being intimate wi-with janet,wi--and sheila again? - Maybe I am.
I am taking responsibility, and I'm paying for everything and taking care of all the kids, and in return,I get basically free sex with no strings attached.
Bullshit.
Let's go,frankie.
Come on.
Come on.
I think frankie's ready.
I think chuckie's dead.
I think the thing with janet and my kids and then you and damien--I don't know.
I mean,even though it's working good, maybe we're just kind of fooling ourselves.
You have got to keep your eyes on the prize, - which,in this case,are the kids.
- Right.
Colleen,katy,wyatt,damien,and oh,yeah.
These.
The more that I thought about you,the more I realized how-- how attracted I was to you from the beginning.
I wanna take it slow.
Ok? You wanna play chess? Can we do it in the nude? I come over,because I wanna get back with colleen.
That's the whole idea.
That's what I'm sayin' to you here.
Colleen's impressed.
If we have to play this game,then let's do it right,so be cool.
Cool is how I do,baby.
Madre mia.
Maybe I ought to buy you a drink,see how that goes.
That-- that sounds good.
Please don't stand here looking sad.
It only stands to remind the children just how sick they are.
If you wanna come in,you have to literally put on a happy face.
Who's the old guy? Sonny volpe,former middleweight contender, currently the finest cut man in the business.
- The finest,huh? - Well,the finest we could get.
- How old is he,exactly? - He is old.
Fought in the olympics.
- Which olympics? - Put it to you this way.
They were still wearin' sandals.
That's old.
That's old.
Franco looks good,though.
He looks really focused.
This whole channel-your-angst method he's got is really workin'.
Lookit,w-we're doin' the right thing with the pretty boy.
I mean,you know,he's-- we're gonna make money here,including him.
Yes.
You have no idea.
If he wins tonight and we play this the right way, it's a license to print money.
- Cool.
- I'm gonna be the white don king.
Well,without the hair ho buggy,and the manslaughter charge.
Don knotts? That's what I was thinkin'.
See you later.
- So how's it goin' with,uh,candy? - Great.
You close the deal? - God,I hate you so much.
- I'm sure you do.
- What's the problem? - There's no problem.
Why would there be a problem? I--there's no problem,tommy.
No,w-we're 2 mature people with a deep respect for each other, and we've made a mutual decision to just kind of go slow Because we don't really know wh-what's comin' down the pike, and you don't wanna just-- I don't know what the hell the problem is.
Ok.
I smell a rat.
- There's no rat.
- There's gotta be a rat.
- I'm tellin' you there's a rat.
Based on what you're tellin' me,there's a rat,- Why would there be a rat? and I think the rat is hiding between her legs.
- Hey,asshole,you crossed - Hey,don't call me an asshole! - The line that time! - I'm tryin' to help you! - Take it outside,ladies! Take it outside! - Excuse me,old man.
- We're havin' a private conversation.
- Get outta here.
Well,we can have it in the hallway.
- Hey,where'd you--I think he's,uh,missin' an eyeball.
- He lost it in the war.
- Korean? - Trojan.
Look,I don't want you ever,ever,ever to talk about candy like that again.
Do you hear me? Listen,I'm your friend.
You know what fr-friend means,ok? It's somebody who cares about you a-and wants to help you,ok? And,you know,the last time you got involved with her, you didn't let me in.
- I'm tryin' to protect you.
- Well,you know what? Don't try to protect you.
What are you tryin' to protect me from? From being careful? From being listened to? All right,this is the first slice of true happiness I've had in 2 years,tom.
Slice.
Slice.
Ok,may i remind you the last time you got involved with that slice,she took every penny that you had? Hey,lou.
He in there? Yeah,he's in there,but i wouldn't go in there if I were you,because,uh--ok,see you.
- Who's that? - Yeah,that's franco's friend.
She needs to go all the way in there and You saw how she's built.
She can go wherever the hell she wants.
Look,tom,I don't think you should judge me on this candy thing,you know.
I mean,I may be in over my head - That's true.
- But you are,too.
Me? Ok.
How--how do you think? Well,how's this whole no-strings,uh,relationship thing goin'? You know what? Don't try to turn the judgment thing around on me.
The fact remains you are involved with an ex-whore, ok,who--you know what you are to her? You're--you're a conduit.
That's a--she's just waitin' for your new paychecks to come in so she can bilk you up for-- - And what are you? And what are you to sheila and janet but a conduit to the kids? You're a bigger whore than candy ever was.
- You're callin' me a whore? - Yeah,I'm callin' you a whore.
- Ok.
- You called me a conduit.
You called me a conduit and a whore.
- I want an apology.
- I want 2 apologies.
- You're not ge--gonna get an apology,let alone 2 apologies.
- Unbelievable.
- Rivera,you're up in 20.
- Get the hell outta here! - 2 apologies.
I want 'em right now.
- It ain't gonna happen.
Ok-- Look,look,tommy,it's time for a truce.
I'm not gonna say anything more about your no-strings arrangement.
All of a sudden,you're a polygamist,obviously born and raised in utah - Starting your own stuff-- - A-all right,enough.
Not gonna say anything.
Ok? Lips are sealed.
You in exchange,just butt the hell out of whatever I got goin' on with candy,ok? Just let me enjoy the illusion for as long as it lasts,tom.
Can you do that? Ok,but you know what? When she shatters your heart into a million tiny, - little pieces,don't come cryin' to me.
- I won'T.
Ok,'cause I'm not gonna have some,like,little magical dustpan,I can pick up all the pieces for you.
- I don't need your magical dustpan.
- Ok.
All right.
I won't come to you,believe me.
The last person I'm gonna come to is you.
- Conduit.
- Whore.
Proudly Presents S05E14 Ah,finally.
What took you so long,eh? What the hell? What? Line was around the block.
- Thanks.
Nice.
Went to the ladies' room,and she wasn't too happy about the wait either.
What am I gonna do,man? The cashier had brain damage.
So how would you,uh,gauge her level of displeasure? - What do you mean? - Like from a scale of 1 to 10.
I don't know if I can put a number on it.
There was a lot of eye rolling and a lot of--12.
- Damn.
- It was a 12.
- Did she curse me? - Depends if you consider "douche bag" a curse word.
Dependin' on if it's the right context,yeah.
She said something like,"how long is that little douche bag - gonna take to bring me my diet coke?" - Yeah,I know.
Wasn't good.
- Oh,shit.
- You ever heard the expression "pussy hairs pull battleships?" What is that supposed to mean,chief? Just think about it for a minute.
Oh,what,you're tryin' to say I'm pussy-whipped? No,I said,"pussy hairs pull battleships.
" How you interpret that is up to you.
I'm not pussy-whipped,all right? Hey,who's the babe frank's talkin' with? Oh,that's,uh,franco's friend.
Since when does frank have chick friends? Well,you know,he's tryin' to get in her pants,but Not a bad place to be,I imagine.
You could rest a cocktail on that ass.
Nice.
You'd need mountain gears to get up on top of that.
What? You think elder statesmen such as I don't think about things like this? I do have the biggest dick in the department and have been known to use it.
- Anybody want this? - No,thanks.
- Hey,guys.
- Carla,right? - Hey,what's up? - Guys,this is carla.
- How you doin'? - Carla.
- Carla,hey.
- How you doin'? - Our guy ready for a tussle? - Shit,yeah.
He's gonna tear that bitch a new hole.
Oh,look who decided to return.
Hey,uh,col--this is my daughter colleen.
This is franco's friend carla.
- How you doin'? - Carla,colleen.
Uh,you know what? I'm gonna go back to my seat.
You know,the fight's about to start,so,uh,see you guys later.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Nice girl,huh? She's-- she's pretty hot.
She's a total lesbo.
What? I mean,come on,col.
Just 'cause,like,she talks like a dude and walks like a dude doesn't mean she's a lesbo,all right? Come on.
You can't say that serena williams is a lesbo because she's athletic and built.
Hey,um,first of all,serena williams isn't a lesbo, because women are too afraid to have sex with her.
Not to mention guys.
I mean,would any one of you guys do her? You're talkin' about serena williams,the tennis player? The one who's big enough to be a power forward for the knicks? That's the one.
Oh,I wouldn't do her without a buddy and a safety word.
Yeah,well,her handshake was kinda painful.
That's a secret lesbo handshake.
There's a secret lesbo handshake? A girl that's straight and just athletic is always very conscientious about shaking your hand all delicate and ladylike, but a true lesbo doesn't know how to do that.
You know,it's not in her nature.
Boo,why you know about all this shit? Ah,no,no.
Please don't tell me.
This isn't diet.
- Tommy,did you know about-- - I asked you to get me a diet coke,shawn.
You were a lesbo,boo? Hey,hey,please stop using the term "boo" when I'm around.
- I'm just sayin',come on,you guys knew this-- - This is a boo-free zone.
Come on,shawn.
Now,go get me my diet soda.
You know what? You gavins,I don't know what's wrong with y'all.
You look great,champ.
Now remember,there are innocent children dyin' senseless deaths all over the world this very moment,and garrity's got cancer.
Use it.
You stick and move.
You hear me? Stick and move.
Do not bum-rush him.
Shut up,you assholes.
Shut up.
Yo,bust his hole,franco! Need I say more? Stick and move.
Stick and move.
- Come on,franco.
- Let's go,frank! Frankie.
Come on,franco! Frankie! I haven't seen a guy get knocked out with a body shot since tyson-spinks.
Only question now is who's gonna tell frankie this new girlfriend might be a lesbo.
I don't know.
Sounds like a probie job to me.
Yeah,right.
I don't graduate till next week.
- It'll wait till then.
- All right,let's go,guys.
Come on.
I--I know I missed the fight,but I got you a diet.
I'm not thirsty now.
Not thirsty? Thank you,boo.
Check.
How are you? Afternoon,mr.
Garrity.
Lookin' well today.
- I'm feelin' well,thanks.
- Yeah,so I hear.
Uh,just need a quick semen sample,I'll be out of your hair.
I'm sorry.
What did you say? Just raise your gown for me,please.
Yeah,wh-what is this? A standard procedure.
Doc just wants to make sure that the medication isn't, uh,weakening your reproductive system.
Yeah,well,I just--get out of there.
No.
What? I'm not gonna do that.
Are you crazy? - If you two could give us a little privacy,please.
- Sure.
- There's no way I'm leavin' this room,ma.
- Wait a minute.
- Hey,don't worry.
- What the-- You're a little nervous.
I got somethin' here to help get things goin'.
Oh,my god.
Gettin' to you,huh,big boy? Give me your phone.
Give me your phone.
Great.
- I've been waitin' for this moment my whole life.
- Very funny.
Where's our little cancer survivor? - What's up? - I knew you were behind this.
- What's up,homie? - Hey,what's up? - What's up,frankie? - You look good.
- Well,you look like a new man.
- Hey,chief.
Hey,look,we heard you were on the mend,and, uh,we decided to express our, uh,joy and relief in our traditionally twisted and, of course,slightly homoerotic fashion.
Well,I'm glad that I barely survived cancer, 'cause you guys almost killed me with a heart attack.
That was very nice.
Thank you.
Yeah,wouldn't that be a bitch,huh? That's the greatest gig I've had in years,man.
This shit touches my heart.
Ok.
- Uh,pal,maybe you give us a minute.
- Yeah,agitate the gravel.
- Big rocks.
- Bye.
Ok,no problem.
Hey,congratulations again.
- Hey,thanks a lot.
- Whatever.
- Thanks for comin'.
- Oh,jesus christ.
When are they gonna let you out of here? Doc wants to keep him around a few days,you know,just to be sure.
- We were worried about you,man.
- No shit.
Oh,yeah? Well,I really appreciate you guys comin'.
Honestly,it means a lot to me.
Honestly.
Didn't look like you were gonna make it there for a minute,homie.
- I was sayin' a prayer for you every night.
- We all were,man.
- Thanks.
- Love you,sean.
Ok.
All right,buddy,thanks.
Love you,too.
You almost died.
How 'bout that? That was something.
Hey,a little help here,guys.
All right,mikey,that's enough,buddy.
Come on.
Come on,bro.
- All right,gaybird,come on.
You're gonna pop a stitch.
Jesus christ.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Jeez.
Hey,look,since this whole cancer thing is under the F.
D.
N.
Y.
Radar and since your insurance probably ain't covering shit, we decided to,uh,donate our winnings from,uh,franco's fight last night to, uh,give to you to help foot the bill for your extended stay here at chez death.
Oh,my gosh.
You guys.
- How do you like that,baby? - That is amazing.
We figured it would help lighten the burden, uh,between,uh,you and your ma and your brother payin' the bills,you know? Hey,I'm not payin' for this shit.
Like I got any money.
Come on,terrence.
Let's go get a bite.
- That was great,guys.
- Go away,ma.
Well,uh,you--you're payin' for this out of your own pocket? Uh,most of it,yeah,pretty much.
Dude.
I mean,my mother's hospital bill was ridiculous.
This must be costin' you a fortune.
Well,I mean,it's--turns out it's gonna be a lot more expensive than I thought, but,you know,I been able to pay for most the bills by, you know,skimming off the top from the money we made at the bar, but the doctor's found this,uh,combination of drugs and stuff that's really got me feelin' a lot better.
- Honestly.
It's great.
- Amazing,right? Did--did--did you mention skimming off the Oh,yeah,you didn't--oh,come on,you guys.
How dumb can you be? I mean,I'm,like,lookin' after the money and checkin' "the books.
" When's the last time you even saw me even open a book? Ah,that's nice.
Yeah,that'S You know? Hey,come on,guys.
If it was you,you'd do the same thing,right? I mean,jesus christ,I thought I was gonna die.
Goddamn it.
I mean,what would any of you done? No,it's,uh--it's cool.
Ok.
I'm so glad.
No! No! Come on! What's wrong with you,man?! Come on! Get off of him.
Get off of him,all right? Desperate times,desperate measures,ok,guys? Jesus.
You ok? He almost died,for god's sakes.
You all right? - Calm down.
Calm down.
- He's fakin'.
All right,listen.
You all right? It's cool.
- Christ.
Lou's right.
It's--you know,it was--it was,uh,yeah.
- Come on.
- He was on his deathbed.
But he stole,tommy.
- I know.
- That was my-- - Listen.
He's alive.
He's our brother.
We ha--we're gonna have to just forgive and forget,ok? - Thanks,tom.
- No problem.
All right? All right.
Jesus.
I mean,you know,first things first.
I mean,we will have to take the,uh,check back,'cause,you know Well,I mean,see,the thing is I'm still maybe a few bucks short, so I was thinkin' if it's cool,you know I'll just No,no.
That's ok.
It's fine.
That two-timin',embezzlin' piece of shit.
You know,we could have given him a really nice funeral if he'd had the decency to die, and we still would've had money left over.
He's not.
We are.
- Bullshit.
- What? - Screw him,lou.
No,lou's right.
Yeah,that's easy for you to say,chief.
You didn't have a piece in that bar,ok? I--I had plans for my money,you know? - I think he's right.
I think we're gonna have to suck it up.
- Damn.
There goes my trip to italy.
Colleen's gonna flip,man.
Wait a mi--you were taking colleen to italy? For what,so you could be pussy-whipped on foreign soil? You know,it's-- it's interesting,because historically speaking, guinea broads actually invented the pussy whip.
Hey,that's a double ethnic,uh,uh Slur.
But thanks for playin',mike.
Look,guys,even if we give him the total nut from the bar and the fight, we're still gonna be a few grand short.
How are we gonna make up the difference? Charity gig.
My band could play a charity gig at the bar.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa.
What--what band? I got a band,a-and we were playin' at the bar, I--I find that hard to believe.
You know what? I heard them.
I was down there one night.
They're not bad.
- Well,that's a ringing endorsement.
- I'm just sayin'.
And you know what? We could probably,uh,charge extra at the door.
Because it's for a charity and everything,people will pay.
Well,first with their wallets and then with their ears.
- Well,does anyone else have a better idea? - No.
All right,guys,let's get some fliers up,and let's get the word out.
In the meantime,we should all,uh,pray to our respective gods that garrity gets a relapse and dies.
Hey,look who's back.
- What's goin' on? - Nothin' much.
- Did you come in the firetrucks? - No.
We're off duty today.
Ever since you told all those stories, he and the rest of the kids have been obsessed with firetrucks.
We should just take him down to the firehouse.
That'd be fun,right? I'm afraid he can't leave the hospital in his condition.
Well,you know what? Maybe we can bring the trucks to you,right? We could leave the engine at the house,bring the rig down here and the suburban.
- What do you say? - Really? - How 'bout that? - That'd be so cool.
I know,right? What do you say to the nice man? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
See you later.
I like those football slippers.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Nice goin',asshole.
- What? Bring the trucks down here? How the hell am I gonna swing that with needles breathing down my neck? - Well,what'd you say yes for? - Because what am I gonna do? You put me on the spot.
I'm gonna say no to this little kid's face,get the schmuck of the year award? So we can't bring the truck? Is that what you're sayin'? Aw,I don't know.
I had a niece who had leukemia.
She died when she was 10.
Look,you said we're gonna do it,so we're gonna do it,but we gotta keep it on the down-low.
- You understand? - Ok,great.
You bunch of mooks start workin' on your poker faces.
Stop starin' at these kids like they got a third eye.
Assholes.
Mike says that once sean's mom and brother take off, I can move in with those guys.
Well,I'd be careful about that.
Jesus.
If they ever find out stupidity's contagious,you could be in trouble.
Well,I'm almost 21 years old,tommy.
If I live with my mother any longer,it's gonna be a little norman bates,you know? Nice reference.
Honey,you know if you need any help with the rent,I mean-- Uh,no.
Thanks,mom,but,uh,I'm a working man now.
I'd rather pay my own way.
Anyway,I gotta take a whiz.
- Right.
- Be right back.
So,you ok with this? My steak was a little rare,but I don't like to send things back.
No,I mean the--this,you know,whole deal,the empty-nest syndrome thing.
They got a pill for that.
Yeah,they may have a pill for it,but I-I'm just concerned about your feelings.
Not your job to care about my feelings,ok? Just 'cause we're having sex does not mean that you suddenly gotta pretend like you care about my feelings.
Ok,I'm not.
It's not because we're having sex.
I'm genuinely concerned with-- Ok.
Well,how 'bout I don't want you to care about my feelings?How 'bout that? Look,I just want you to care about taking care of damien.
All right? - Don't shit a shitter.
- I'm not shitting you,ok? You never cared about my feelings before,so pfft.
This is not before.
- This is now.
And I'm-- - You're right this isn't before! And this is the present,and I'm gonna stay in the present.
And in the present,I simply want you to keep my baby safe on the job.
All right.
I--I didn't order that.
That's from the gentleman at the bar,from your A.
A.
Friend.
He's cute.
All right,well,anyway,I just thought I'd-- You know,if I were to bring up the past--which I'm not gonna, because like I said,the past is dead.
Although,apparently still breathing.
But for the sake of argument,let's just say that I were to go back, I have got a list of grievances that would stretch from here to goddamn indochina.
I know you do.
- Like the time that you - I'm sorry.
Were checking out the waitress when we were having dinner on saint valentine's day.
What year?What-- And also how 'bout the time that you dismissed the dream I had about you sleeping with cynthia nixon? I never slept with cynthia nixon.
In my dream,you did.
She's a lesbian.
Not back when I had my dream,she wasn't a lesbian.
And listen,I have got a royal goddamn scroll of reasons why I choose to live in the present.
The past is too painful,and the future is too scary, so all I wanna do is have dessert,finish this little bottle of wine, go home,have sex with you, and then fall asleep with a big,fat friggin' smile on my face.
I will worry about tomorrow when I wake up and take my pills.
Ok.
Case closed.
Also,that time that we went to jennifer's birthday party and we were all in the living room with jennifer and you were in the kitchen with that big-titted bitch with the angora sweater and then she spills her wine and you practically lick it off with your tongue.
Then they bring the cake out,and you don't even come in to sing happy birthday.
How 'bout that one? Ok,first of all--heh.
Who's jennifer? She's in the past.
Now I gotta take a whiz.
Just like old times.
You said it,pal.
Tommy.
Drinkin' again and lovin' it.
Thank you,brother.
This man changed my life.
Good times,man.
Thanks.
Have a great night.
Bye.
Who was that? My new sponsor.
And here we are.
Pork chops.
I used the shake 'n bake,and the gravy is from your mother's recipe.
The brussels sprouts,you'll notice,have been slightly browned, and the mashed potatoes are chunky.
Just as you like them,babe.
Bon appetit.
Hey,could we,um,just kind of lay off on the french expressions for a while? I,um-- just a sore spot with me.
Your wish is my command.
- Chow down.
- Thank you.
Honey,I--I don't mean to critique your culinary skills, but I think you got a washer in the mashed potatoes.
You lose this? Is this--is this what I think it is? It is.
Oh,candy.
I mean,where did--where did this come from? Candy,I mean,this is comin' from left field.
I mean,wh-what is this? I took what we talked about to heart.
I decided to follow it.
We haven't even slept together.
Ken,you have to stop obsessing about that.
We have connected on a sexual level.
But that was,like,2 years ago.
Uh,whatever.
We know that works.
We've connected on a whole new level,a more spiritual and emotional level.
I think--I think I'm having a panic attack.
- Just give me some air,yeah.
- S-sit down.
Sit down.
Look,I love taking care of you.
I love cooking your meals.
I love watching you eat them.
I love cleaning up after you.
Here.
Have a drink.
I can'T.
I--I can't move my arms.
- No.
- This? More? Ken I love you,and when 2 people have that connection, despite what all the other bullshit is,you go for it.
You follow your first impulse.
Mine was to ask you to marry me.
Now the only question is,what was your first impulse when you figured it out? I had 2 impulses that happened simultaneously.
And they were? One was to say yes,and the other was to pick up my knife and to drill it into my brain.
I like the first one better.
I do,too,I think.
- Damn,that was--oh,my-- - That was fun,huh? Fun? Yeah,fun and intense,you know.
I mean,I was--swear to god I was seein' colors at one point.
It was like a--like a kaleidoscope in here.
I mean,believe me when I tell you that I don't say this very often at all.
I am--I am just thoroughly destroyed,you know? I mean-- heh.
Usually I'm the one that does the destroyin' in this scenario.
You know what I'm sayin'? What are you lookin' at? Oh,uh,nothin'.
Just admirin' the view.
You mean the view bein' my ass? You know,it is rather majestic.
Actually somebody should hang,like,a scenic overlook sign next to it so people could pull to the side of the road and get a good look, maybe take some pictures with the fam next to it,like the delaware water gap.
The delaware water gap.
You want some water? Well,you better hydrate up,champ.
This fight ain't over yet.
Baby,you're gonna kill me.
I love it.
Guys'll tell you the life of a probie sucks.
You get hazed,get your balls busted.
You get to pull every shit detail in the house.
But if you stick it out,get to take out your anger and your resentment on the next poor schmuck.
Cool.
Hey,lou.
Hey,junior.
No school today? Short day.
Exam's comin' up.
Chief and mike were just givin' me some study tips.
Kid's sharp.
I got a good feeling.
Mi gente.
I have been to the promised land.
Bayonne? I closed the deal with carla.
This chick nearly put me in the hospital from dehydration.
I'm tellin' you,at one point,I kinda,like,blacked out, and when I came to,we were--we were bangin' in an entirely different room.
We got any ginseng around here? Wa-wa-wait.
So,frank,out of all the girls you bagged in the last few years, you're sayin' she's the best? That's exactly what I'm sayin',mikey.
I mean,for the first time in my life,I was completely outbanged by a woman, and I cherish every masochistic moment.
Who knew gay chicks were the way to go? Yo,we should go out and hit up a few lesbian bars, you know,see if we can wrangle us--what? First time a probie steps into the shit pile is the worst,but it'll scrape off.
Eventually.
Good luck to you.
You,too.
Thanks.
What do you mean,gay chicks? You guys didn't tell him yet? I already told you that was a probie job.
What do you mean,gay chicks? We were just hypothesizing about your girl carla's sexual,you know,orientation.
Just because she's athletic doesn't mean she's gay,all right? I just bought my mother a treadmill last month.
Does that mean she's a carpet muncher,too? I don't know.
Does you mother shake hands like hulk hogan? Ok,this is the point where you shut your face,probie,or I shut it for you.
Come on,franco.
You gotta admit,I mean,you know,you've seen her--her body language, her mannerisms,the way that she carries herself, the way she could probably carry any one of us if she wanted to.
You gotta admit she's a little,you know,butch.
Carla's not a lesbo,ok? The shit this chick did to me last night,there's no way she's gay.
Lesbos don't have moves like that.
Reverse cowgirl? Hey,come on,frank.
I mean,I know you're really into her and everything, and she's hot,a-and to be honest with you,dude, we all'd like to get a piece of that ass,but,come on,dude.
She's gotta be a fuzzbumper,you know?I mean,o-or at least bi.
And mike would know.
Yeah,I'm sure he would.
You know what?First of all,lou,you don't know her,ok? She's different than the other girls.
Well,there's no debatin' that.
Ok,you know what?I'm not even gonna let this upset me.
You guys are obviously all just jealous 'cause I got a little slice of heaven last night, and none of you pussies did.
Oh,yeah.
You bad girl.
Uh,if you guys'll excuse me,I'm gonna go on up and continue the extremely hot and, uh,steamy sext messaging conversation we're currently involved in.
Wait until she tries to do him with her strap-on.
That ought to wake him up.
You know,you're gonna have to learn one day that, um,I'm the king of the one-liners around here.
Hey,you snooze,you lose.
Anyway,I gotta hit the books,boys.
See you soon.
Oh,I can't wait to get this kid into this house.
Ok,kids.
Be careful.
Stay back.
What's wrong with that guy? Oh,you mean dominic? Poor kid.
He had a tumor removed from his calf over a week ago.
Skin cancer? The only reason he's still on the ward is because his --pardon my language-- asshole parents are on vacation in the greek isles.
Wait a minute.
His parents went to greece while he had cancer? Unbelievable.
Jesus.
No love,no care,no role models.
I feel for that kid.
I really do.
Sounds like a job for uncle lou.
Hey,buddy.
I'm mike.
- I'm david.
- Hey,david.
Hey,you wanna go on the truck? Aw,come on.
Don't be afraid.
It'll be fun.
I'm a fireman.
Let's go.
She's pretty,she's funny,she's smart,she's sexy.
Aw,so what?So she likes to drink beer and box and go to football games and heckle the other team? That's all stuff I like to do.
But you're a boy.
Girls should like ponies and rainbows and dolls and stuff.
Yeah,maybe if they're 10 years old.
Hey,guys.
You got room for 2 more? Yeah,come on in.
To be continued,all right? What's up,buddy? Pretty cool,huh? What's the matter? It's big.
Well,yeah.
I mean,you know,it--it's--it's probably a lot like, uh,you know,the first time you saw santa claus.
I mean,it's big,but it's like,uh,maybe a little bit scary.
I remember my kids were scared the first time they saw santa claus, but it's a good scary,you know what I mean? It's like y-you have this idea of what it's-- he's gonna look like,and he's gonna be--you get there.
He's big,and he's red,and-- and you have all the stuff - that you're plannin' to say to him-- - Santa's not real.
All right,I--santa claus was a bad example.
Tell you what.
You--you wanna go in the suburban,the smaller truck, and then we can kinda work our way up to the big rig? And I-- and I'll let you,uh--you could even, - you know,run the siren a couple times and really scare the sh-- - Shit? I was gonna say,"crap," but,yeah,you can scare the shit out of people.
What do you think? - Ok.
- Cool.
Come on.
You ride shotgun.
What's goin' on here,big guy? You're one to talk,fatty.
This stupid thing won't open.
Hey,I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Stand back.
See,they got a latch on the bottom.
There you go.
That's where we hide all the tools.
You like that? That's called a--a halligan.
We use that--yeah.
We use that for--you really shouldn--no.
You know what? You really shouldn't be,um,playin' with this,'cause it's a little--a little,uh,dangerous.
But these are the axes that we have,and,uh,yeah, that's,um,a--a 6-foot hook,and that's--we use that for venting the,uh--the roof.
You know,why don't you,uh-- hey,you know what? Why don't we go in the cab,and you can play with the siren.
- Would you like that? - Screw the siren.
Let's play lord of the rings.
Hey,easy,gandalf,easy.
Hey,come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Look,these aren't toys,ok? Whatever.
You're just like my dad.
Hey,dominic,come here.
My dad was an asshole who was never around,too,ok? And I-- I just--I just don't want you to hurt yourself here,ok? Yeah,I guess.
Let's go play with the siren,all right?Let's go.
Son of a bitch.
Not so scary,right? I guess.
What's the matter? I'm gonna die.
No--pfft.
Don't--don't talk like that.
Why not?It's true.
They tell me I'm gonna be ok,but I see it in their faces-- doctors,nurses,the other kids,my parents.
Not you.
Why is that? Timmy,listen.
Don't say it.
Don't lie to me like all the rest of them and tell me everything's gonna be ok,but it's not,and I know it.
I wasn't gonna say any of that crap.
Listen,I--you know,I w--I work in a job where,you know, sometimes people that are supposed to live die, and--and then sometimes people that you think are gonna die,they don't die,they live.
I got a buddy who's up in,uh--in the hospital right now, and he's got cancer in his kidney, and for a while,it was really ba--it was really scary.
But now he's better.
So,I mean,that doesn't mean that he's gonna walk out of the hospital, like,tomorrow morning a-and not get hit by a bus,you know what I mean? You can't worry about stuff like that.
You gotta just--you know,you gotta be in the moment.
You can't worry about buses and stuff.
I mean,like today.
Today's good,right?I mean,we got the-- we got the 2 trucks here, and we got--and your friends,and it's nice out.
I guess so.
Listen,you seem like a tough guy to me.
I mean,you're tougher than me,and you're tougher than all these big,strong firemen guys combined.
And I don't put a lot of,you know, stock in hope and "keep hope alive" and stuff, but,you know,when it comes to you,I think I do.
I got a lot of hope in you.
I think you got a lot of fight in you,and I think that's--really, that's all you can do is kinda hope for the best, and maybe that's what you'll get.
Or maybe I won'T.
Yeah,but,you know,hopin' can't hurt.
Right? Can I hit the siren again? Su--you can hit that siren as many times as you got-- Yeah.
See? How 'bout that,huh?Hit it again.
Nice.
Amazing.
I mean,they look so happy.
I've never seen them so thrilled.
Don't you guys have to get the trucks back? Aw,forget about that.
It's against regulations,but it doesn't matter.
I don't care if needles or anybody else finds out about this.
Could be the best thing I ever did in my life.
Where's the ignition? There's no ignition.
You just flip the perko switch,and you press the on button.
Aren't most trucks standard shift? Most,but not this one.
You seem to know a lot about trucks.
My asshole dad owns a trucking company.
The guys at the yard showed me a few things.
So do you ride in this truck? Lieutenants always ride shotgun.
So get in.
We'll pretend like we're going to a fire.
All right.
We'll-- we'll pretend.
That'll be cool,fun.
Cool.
No,pretend.
Dominic!Dominic,open the door.
Open the door,dominic.
Shut the engine off now.
We're pretending.
I wanna go in the big truck now.
Let's--let's go--wait.
Looks like somebody's actually already gettin' a ride.
They're probably just goin' around the circle.
I wanna go around the circle.
O-- that's bad.
Follow that goddamn truck.
Come on,tommy!Let's go!Move! Goddamn kids!I'm gonna strangle every one of those little shits! Timmy,put your,uh,seat belt on.
Come on,come on,come on.
Dominic,stop the truck.
Dominic.
Jesus.
What the-- We ain't gonna never catch 'em,tommy.
I'm tryin'.
Yo,stop the truck,dominic,right now!Pull over.
Dominic-- It's gonna be ok.
You're gonna be fine.
Holy shit!We're gonna die! Come on.
Come on,tommy.
Stop the goddamn truck! Oh,my god.
Come on,go around it.
Come on.
Hurry up.
All right,all right.
- Can I hit the siren again? - Yeah,go ahead.
Come on,man.
Hit it.
Let's go.
What does it look like I'm doin'? I'm drivin'.
Stop the truck,kid! Just A You want me to drive,tommy?Come on,man.
What are you doin'? Faster,tommy!Faster! Damn these cancer kids.
Not you,timmy.
There's still hope.
The other--you know.
Hit the brake.
Stop the goddamn--uhh.
You ok? Thank you.
I can die now.
That was awesome! Can we play lord of the rings now? If I were your asshole parents,I'd stay in goddamn greece.
I came over to try to end it for you before it turns ugly.
- Now lay down.
- I--I don't care,teddy.
I just--I really wanna live,ok? Can you--can you just put the pillow down,please? He can drink all the booze he wants.
Won't matter a bit.
Ain't no tears inside of bottles.
He cried 'em all when connor got crushed.
Face the music,assholes.
He's gone,dead as a doornail inside,just like me.
Only,he's still walking around.
- You're being intimate wi-with janet,wi--and sheila again? - Maybe I am.
I am taking responsibility, and I'm paying for everything and taking care of all the kids, and in return,I get basically free sex with no strings attached.
Bullshit.
Let's go,frankie.
Come on.
Come on.
I think frankie's ready.
I think chuckie's dead.
I think the thing with janet and my kids and then you and damien--I don't know.
I mean,even though it's working good, maybe we're just kind of fooling ourselves.
You have got to keep your eyes on the prize, - which,in this case,are the kids.
- Right.
Colleen,katy,wyatt,damien,and oh,yeah.
These.
The more that I thought about you,the more I realized how-- how attracted I was to you from the beginning.
I wanna take it slow.
Ok? You wanna play chess? Can we do it in the nude? I come over,because I wanna get back with colleen.
That's the whole idea.
That's what I'm sayin' to you here.
Colleen's impressed.
If we have to play this game,then let's do it right,so be cool.
Cool is how I do,baby.
Madre mia.
Maybe I ought to buy you a drink,see how that goes.
That-- that sounds good.
Please don't stand here looking sad.
It only stands to remind the children just how sick they are.
If you wanna come in,you have to literally put on a happy face.
Who's the old guy? Sonny volpe,former middleweight contender, currently the finest cut man in the business.
- The finest,huh? - Well,the finest we could get.
- How old is he,exactly? - He is old.
Fought in the olympics.
- Which olympics? - Put it to you this way.
They were still wearin' sandals.
That's old.
That's old.
Franco looks good,though.
He looks really focused.
This whole channel-your-angst method he's got is really workin'.
Lookit,w-we're doin' the right thing with the pretty boy.
I mean,you know,he's-- we're gonna make money here,including him.
Yes.
You have no idea.
If he wins tonight and we play this the right way, it's a license to print money.
- Cool.
- I'm gonna be the white don king.
Well,without the hair ho buggy,and the manslaughter charge.
Don knotts? That's what I was thinkin'.
See you later.
- So how's it goin' with,uh,candy? - Great.
You close the deal? - God,I hate you so much.
- I'm sure you do.
- What's the problem? - There's no problem.
Why would there be a problem? I--there's no problem,tommy.
No,w-we're 2 mature people with a deep respect for each other, and we've made a mutual decision to just kind of go slow Because we don't really know wh-what's comin' down the pike, and you don't wanna just-- I don't know what the hell the problem is.
Ok.
I smell a rat.
- There's no rat.
- There's gotta be a rat.
- I'm tellin' you there's a rat.
Based on what you're tellin' me,there's a rat,- Why would there be a rat? and I think the rat is hiding between her legs.
- Hey,asshole,you crossed - Hey,don't call me an asshole! - The line that time! - I'm tryin' to help you! - Take it outside,ladies! Take it outside! - Excuse me,old man.
- We're havin' a private conversation.
- Get outta here.
Well,we can have it in the hallway.
- Hey,where'd you--I think he's,uh,missin' an eyeball.
- He lost it in the war.
- Korean? - Trojan.
Look,I don't want you ever,ever,ever to talk about candy like that again.
Do you hear me? Listen,I'm your friend.
You know what fr-friend means,ok? It's somebody who cares about you a-and wants to help you,ok? And,you know,the last time you got involved with her, you didn't let me in.
- I'm tryin' to protect you.
- Well,you know what? Don't try to protect you.
What are you tryin' to protect me from? From being careful? From being listened to? All right,this is the first slice of true happiness I've had in 2 years,tom.
Slice.
Slice.
Ok,may i remind you the last time you got involved with that slice,she took every penny that you had? Hey,lou.
He in there? Yeah,he's in there,but i wouldn't go in there if I were you,because,uh--ok,see you.
- Who's that? - Yeah,that's franco's friend.
She needs to go all the way in there and You saw how she's built.
She can go wherever the hell she wants.
Look,tom,I don't think you should judge me on this candy thing,you know.
I mean,I may be in over my head - That's true.
- But you are,too.
Me? Ok.
How--how do you think? Well,how's this whole no-strings,uh,relationship thing goin'? You know what? Don't try to turn the judgment thing around on me.
The fact remains you are involved with an ex-whore, ok,who--you know what you are to her? You're--you're a conduit.
That's a--she's just waitin' for your new paychecks to come in so she can bilk you up for-- - And what are you? And what are you to sheila and janet but a conduit to the kids? You're a bigger whore than candy ever was.
- You're callin' me a whore? - Yeah,I'm callin' you a whore.
- Ok.
- You called me a conduit.
You called me a conduit and a whore.
- I want an apology.
- I want 2 apologies.
- You're not ge--gonna get an apology,let alone 2 apologies.
- Unbelievable.
- Rivera,you're up in 20.
- Get the hell outta here! - 2 apologies.
I want 'em right now.
- It ain't gonna happen.
Ok-- Look,look,tommy,it's time for a truce.
I'm not gonna say anything more about your no-strings arrangement.
All of a sudden,you're a polygamist,obviously born and raised in utah - Starting your own stuff-- - A-all right,enough.
Not gonna say anything.
Ok? Lips are sealed.
You in exchange,just butt the hell out of whatever I got goin' on with candy,ok? Just let me enjoy the illusion for as long as it lasts,tom.
Can you do that? Ok,but you know what? When she shatters your heart into a million tiny, - little pieces,don't come cryin' to me.
- I won'T.
Ok,'cause I'm not gonna have some,like,little magical dustpan,I can pick up all the pieces for you.
- I don't need your magical dustpan.
- Ok.
All right.
I won't come to you,believe me.
The last person I'm gonna come to is you.
- Conduit.
- Whore.
Proudly Presents S05E14 Ah,finally.
What took you so long,eh? What the hell? What? Line was around the block.
- Thanks.
Nice.
Went to the ladies' room,and she wasn't too happy about the wait either.
What am I gonna do,man? The cashier had brain damage.
So how would you,uh,gauge her level of displeasure? - What do you mean? - Like from a scale of 1 to 10.
I don't know if I can put a number on it.
There was a lot of eye rolling and a lot of--12.
- Damn.
- It was a 12.
- Did she curse me? - Depends if you consider "douche bag" a curse word.
Dependin' on if it's the right context,yeah.
She said something like,"how long is that little douche bag - gonna take to bring me my diet coke?" - Yeah,I know.
Wasn't good.
- Oh,shit.
- You ever heard the expression "pussy hairs pull battleships?" What is that supposed to mean,chief? Just think about it for a minute.
Oh,what,you're tryin' to say I'm pussy-whipped? No,I said,"pussy hairs pull battleships.
" How you interpret that is up to you.
I'm not pussy-whipped,all right? Hey,who's the babe frank's talkin' with? Oh,that's,uh,franco's friend.
Since when does frank have chick friends? Well,you know,he's tryin' to get in her pants,but Not a bad place to be,I imagine.
You could rest a cocktail on that ass.
Nice.
You'd need mountain gears to get up on top of that.
What? You think elder statesmen such as I don't think about things like this? I do have the biggest dick in the department and have been known to use it.
- Anybody want this? - No,thanks.
- Hey,guys.
- Carla,right? - Hey,what's up? - Guys,this is carla.
- How you doin'? - Carla.
- Carla,hey.
- How you doin'? - Our guy ready for a tussle? - Shit,yeah.
He's gonna tear that bitch a new hole.
Oh,look who decided to return.
Hey,uh,col--this is my daughter colleen.
This is franco's friend carla.
- How you doin'? - Carla,colleen.
Uh,you know what? I'm gonna go back to my seat.
You know,the fight's about to start,so,uh,see you guys later.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Nice girl,huh? She's-- she's pretty hot.
She's a total lesbo.
What? I mean,come on,col.
Just 'cause,like,she talks like a dude and walks like a dude doesn't mean she's a lesbo,all right? Come on.
You can't say that serena williams is a lesbo because she's athletic and built.
Hey,um,first of all,serena williams isn't a lesbo, because women are too afraid to have sex with her.
Not to mention guys.
I mean,would any one of you guys do her? You're talkin' about serena williams,the tennis player? The one who's big enough to be a power forward for the knicks? That's the one.
Oh,I wouldn't do her without a buddy and a safety word.
Yeah,well,her handshake was kinda painful.
That's a secret lesbo handshake.
There's a secret lesbo handshake? A girl that's straight and just athletic is always very conscientious about shaking your hand all delicate and ladylike, but a true lesbo doesn't know how to do that.
You know,it's not in her nature.
Boo,why you know about all this shit? Ah,no,no.
Please don't tell me.
This isn't diet.
- Tommy,did you know about-- - I asked you to get me a diet coke,shawn.
You were a lesbo,boo? Hey,hey,please stop using the term "boo" when I'm around.
- I'm just sayin',come on,you guys knew this-- - This is a boo-free zone.
Come on,shawn.
Now,go get me my diet soda.
You know what? You gavins,I don't know what's wrong with y'all.
You look great,champ.
Now remember,there are innocent children dyin' senseless deaths all over the world this very moment,and garrity's got cancer.
Use it.
You stick and move.
You hear me? Stick and move.
Do not bum-rush him.
Shut up,you assholes.
Shut up.
Yo,bust his hole,franco! Need I say more? Stick and move.
Stick and move.
- Come on,franco.
- Let's go,frank! Frankie.
Come on,franco! Frankie! I haven't seen a guy get knocked out with a body shot since tyson-spinks.
Only question now is who's gonna tell frankie this new girlfriend might be a lesbo.
I don't know.
Sounds like a probie job to me.
Yeah,right.
I don't graduate till next week.
- It'll wait till then.
- All right,let's go,guys.
Come on.
I--I know I missed the fight,but I got you a diet.
I'm not thirsty now.
Not thirsty? Thank you,boo.
Check.
How are you? Afternoon,mr.
Garrity.
Lookin' well today.
- I'm feelin' well,thanks.
- Yeah,so I hear.
Uh,just need a quick semen sample,I'll be out of your hair.
I'm sorry.
What did you say? Just raise your gown for me,please.
Yeah,wh-what is this? A standard procedure.
Doc just wants to make sure that the medication isn't, uh,weakening your reproductive system.
Yeah,well,I just--get out of there.
No.
What? I'm not gonna do that.
Are you crazy? - If you two could give us a little privacy,please.
- Sure.
- There's no way I'm leavin' this room,ma.
- Wait a minute.
- Hey,don't worry.
- What the-- You're a little nervous.
I got somethin' here to help get things goin'.
Oh,my god.
Gettin' to you,huh,big boy? Give me your phone.
Give me your phone.
Great.
- I've been waitin' for this moment my whole life.
- Very funny.
Where's our little cancer survivor? - What's up? - I knew you were behind this.
- What's up,homie? - Hey,what's up? - What's up,frankie? - You look good.
- Well,you look like a new man.
- Hey,chief.
Hey,look,we heard you were on the mend,and, uh,we decided to express our, uh,joy and relief in our traditionally twisted and, of course,slightly homoerotic fashion.
Well,I'm glad that I barely survived cancer, 'cause you guys almost killed me with a heart attack.
That was very nice.
Thank you.
Yeah,wouldn't that be a bitch,huh? That's the greatest gig I've had in years,man.
This shit touches my heart.
Ok.
- Uh,pal,maybe you give us a minute.
- Yeah,agitate the gravel.
- Big rocks.
- Bye.
Ok,no problem.
Hey,congratulations again.
- Hey,thanks a lot.
- Whatever.
- Thanks for comin'.
- Oh,jesus christ.
When are they gonna let you out of here? Doc wants to keep him around a few days,you know,just to be sure.
- We were worried about you,man.
- No shit.
Oh,yeah? Well,I really appreciate you guys comin'.
Honestly,it means a lot to me.
Honestly.
Didn't look like you were gonna make it there for a minute,homie.
- I was sayin' a prayer for you every night.
- We all were,man.
- Thanks.
- Love you,sean.
Ok.
All right,buddy,thanks.
Love you,too.
You almost died.
How 'bout that? That was something.
Hey,a little help here,guys.
All right,mikey,that's enough,buddy.
Come on.
Come on,bro.
- All right,gaybird,come on.
You're gonna pop a stitch.
Jesus christ.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Jeez.
Hey,look,since this whole cancer thing is under the F.
D.
N.
Y.
Radar and since your insurance probably ain't covering shit, we decided to,uh,donate our winnings from,uh,franco's fight last night to, uh,give to you to help foot the bill for your extended stay here at chez death.
Oh,my gosh.
You guys.
- How do you like that,baby? - That is amazing.
We figured it would help lighten the burden, uh,between,uh,you and your ma and your brother payin' the bills,you know? Hey,I'm not payin' for this shit.
Like I got any money.
Come on,terrence.
Let's go get a bite.
- That was great,guys.
- Go away,ma.
Well,uh,you--you're payin' for this out of your own pocket? Uh,most of it,yeah,pretty much.
Dude.
I mean,my mother's hospital bill was ridiculous.
This must be costin' you a fortune.
Well,I mean,it's--turns out it's gonna be a lot more expensive than I thought, but,you know,I been able to pay for most the bills by, you know,skimming off the top from the money we made at the bar, but the doctor's found this,uh,combination of drugs and stuff that's really got me feelin' a lot better.
- Honestly.
It's great.
- Amazing,right? Did--did--did you mention skimming off the Oh,yeah,you didn't--oh,come on,you guys.
How dumb can you be? I mean,I'm,like,lookin' after the money and checkin' "the books.
" When's the last time you even saw me even open a book? Ah,that's nice.
Yeah,that'S You know? Hey,come on,guys.
If it was you,you'd do the same thing,right? I mean,jesus christ,I thought I was gonna die.
Goddamn it.
I mean,what would any of you done? No,it's,uh--it's cool.
Ok.
I'm so glad.
No! No! Come on! What's wrong with you,man?! Come on! Get off of him.
Get off of him,all right? Desperate times,desperate measures,ok,guys? Jesus.
You ok? He almost died,for god's sakes.
You all right? - Calm down.
Calm down.
- He's fakin'.
All right,listen.
You all right? It's cool.
- Christ.
Lou's right.
It's--you know,it was--it was,uh,yeah.
- Come on.
- He was on his deathbed.
But he stole,tommy.
- I know.
- That was my-- - Listen.
He's alive.
He's our brother.
We ha--we're gonna have to just forgive and forget,ok? - Thanks,tom.
- No problem.
All right? All right.
Jesus.
I mean,you know,first things first.
I mean,we will have to take the,uh,check back,'cause,you know Well,I mean,see,the thing is I'm still maybe a few bucks short, so I was thinkin' if it's cool,you know I'll just No,no.
That's ok.
It's fine.
That two-timin',embezzlin' piece of shit.
You know,we could have given him a really nice funeral if he'd had the decency to die, and we still would've had money left over.
He's not.
We are.
- Bullshit.
- What? - Screw him,lou.
No,lou's right.
Yeah,that's easy for you to say,chief.
You didn't have a piece in that bar,ok? I--I had plans for my money,you know? - I think he's right.
I think we're gonna have to suck it up.
- Damn.
There goes my trip to italy.
Colleen's gonna flip,man.
Wait a mi--you were taking colleen to italy? For what,so you could be pussy-whipped on foreign soil? You know,it's-- it's interesting,because historically speaking, guinea broads actually invented the pussy whip.
Hey,that's a double ethnic,uh,uh Slur.
But thanks for playin',mike.
Look,guys,even if we give him the total nut from the bar and the fight, we're still gonna be a few grand short.
How are we gonna make up the difference? Charity gig.
My band could play a charity gig at the bar.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa.
What--what band? I got a band,a-and we were playin' at the bar, I--I find that hard to believe.
You know what? I heard them.
I was down there one night.
They're not bad.
- Well,that's a ringing endorsement.
- I'm just sayin'.
And you know what? We could probably,uh,charge extra at the door.
Because it's for a charity and everything,people will pay.
Well,first with their wallets and then with their ears.
- Well,does anyone else have a better idea? - No.
All right,guys,let's get some fliers up,and let's get the word out.
In the meantime,we should all,uh,pray to our respective gods that garrity gets a relapse and dies.
Hey,look who's back.
- What's goin' on? - Nothin' much.
- Did you come in the firetrucks? - No.
We're off duty today.
Ever since you told all those stories, he and the rest of the kids have been obsessed with firetrucks.
We should just take him down to the firehouse.
That'd be fun,right? I'm afraid he can't leave the hospital in his condition.
Well,you know what? Maybe we can bring the trucks to you,right? We could leave the engine at the house,bring the rig down here and the suburban.
- What do you say? - Really? - How 'bout that? - That'd be so cool.
I know,right? What do you say to the nice man? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
See you later.
I like those football slippers.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Nice goin',asshole.
- What? Bring the trucks down here? How the hell am I gonna swing that with needles breathing down my neck? - Well,what'd you say yes for? - Because what am I gonna do? You put me on the spot.
I'm gonna say no to this little kid's face,get the schmuck of the year award? So we can't bring the truck? Is that what you're sayin'? Aw,I don't know.
I had a niece who had leukemia.
She died when she was 10.
Look,you said we're gonna do it,so we're gonna do it,but we gotta keep it on the down-low.
- You understand? - Ok,great.
You bunch of mooks start workin' on your poker faces.
Stop starin' at these kids like they got a third eye.
Assholes.
Mike says that once sean's mom and brother take off, I can move in with those guys.
Well,I'd be careful about that.
Jesus.
If they ever find out stupidity's contagious,you could be in trouble.
Well,I'm almost 21 years old,tommy.
If I live with my mother any longer,it's gonna be a little norman bates,you know? Nice reference.
Honey,you know if you need any help with the rent,I mean-- Uh,no.
Thanks,mom,but,uh,I'm a working man now.
I'd rather pay my own way.
Anyway,I gotta take a whiz.
- Right.
- Be right back.
So,you ok with this? My steak was a little rare,but I don't like to send things back.
No,I mean the--this,you know,whole deal,the empty-nest syndrome thing.
They got a pill for that.
Yeah,they may have a pill for it,but I-I'm just concerned about your feelings.
Not your job to care about my feelings,ok? Just 'cause we're having sex does not mean that you suddenly gotta pretend like you care about my feelings.
Ok,I'm not.
It's not because we're having sex.
I'm genuinely concerned with-- Ok.
Well,how 'bout I don't want you to care about my feelings?How 'bout that? Look,I just want you to care about taking care of damien.
All right? - Don't shit a shitter.
- I'm not shitting you,ok? You never cared about my feelings before,so pfft.
This is not before.
- This is now.
And I'm-- - You're right this isn't before! And this is the present,and I'm gonna stay in the present.
And in the present,I simply want you to keep my baby safe on the job.
All right.
I--I didn't order that.
That's from the gentleman at the bar,from your A.
A.
Friend.
He's cute.
All right,well,anyway,I just thought I'd-- You know,if I were to bring up the past--which I'm not gonna, because like I said,the past is dead.
Although,apparently still breathing.
But for the sake of argument,let's just say that I were to go back, I have got a list of grievances that would stretch from here to goddamn indochina.
I know you do.
- Like the time that you - I'm sorry.
Were checking out the waitress when we were having dinner on saint valentine's day.
What year?What-- And also how 'bout the time that you dismissed the dream I had about you sleeping with cynthia nixon? I never slept with cynthia nixon.
In my dream,you did.
She's a lesbian.
Not back when I had my dream,she wasn't a lesbian.
And listen,I have got a royal goddamn scroll of reasons why I choose to live in the present.
The past is too painful,and the future is too scary, so all I wanna do is have dessert,finish this little bottle of wine, go home,have sex with you, and then fall asleep with a big,fat friggin' smile on my face.
I will worry about tomorrow when I wake up and take my pills.
Ok.
Case closed.
Also,that time that we went to jennifer's birthday party and we were all in the living room with jennifer and you were in the kitchen with that big-titted bitch with the angora sweater and then she spills her wine and you practically lick it off with your tongue.
Then they bring the cake out,and you don't even come in to sing happy birthday.
How 'bout that one? Ok,first of all--heh.
Who's jennifer? She's in the past.
Now I gotta take a whiz.
Just like old times.
You said it,pal.
Tommy.
Drinkin' again and lovin' it.
Thank you,brother.
This man changed my life.
Good times,man.
Thanks.
Have a great night.
Bye.
Who was that? My new sponsor.
And here we are.
Pork chops.
I used the shake 'n bake,and the gravy is from your mother's recipe.
The brussels sprouts,you'll notice,have been slightly browned, and the mashed potatoes are chunky.
Just as you like them,babe.
Bon appetit.
Hey,could we,um,just kind of lay off on the french expressions for a while? I,um-- just a sore spot with me.
Your wish is my command.
- Chow down.
- Thank you.
Honey,I--I don't mean to critique your culinary skills, but I think you got a washer in the mashed potatoes.
You lose this? Is this--is this what I think it is? It is.
Oh,candy.
I mean,where did--where did this come from? Candy,I mean,this is comin' from left field.
I mean,wh-what is this? I took what we talked about to heart.
I decided to follow it.
We haven't even slept together.
Ken,you have to stop obsessing about that.
We have connected on a sexual level.
But that was,like,2 years ago.
Uh,whatever.
We know that works.
We've connected on a whole new level,a more spiritual and emotional level.
I think--I think I'm having a panic attack.
- Just give me some air,yeah.
- S-sit down.
Sit down.
Look,I love taking care of you.
I love cooking your meals.
I love watching you eat them.
I love cleaning up after you.
Here.
Have a drink.
I can'T.
I--I can't move my arms.
- No.
- This? More? Ken I love you,and when 2 people have that connection, despite what all the other bullshit is,you go for it.
You follow your first impulse.
Mine was to ask you to marry me.
Now the only question is,what was your first impulse when you figured it out? I had 2 impulses that happened simultaneously.
And they were? One was to say yes,and the other was to pick up my knife and to drill it into my brain.
I like the first one better.
I do,too,I think.
- Damn,that was--oh,my-- - That was fun,huh? Fun? Yeah,fun and intense,you know.
I mean,I was--swear to god I was seein' colors at one point.
It was like a--like a kaleidoscope in here.
I mean,believe me when I tell you that I don't say this very often at all.
I am--I am just thoroughly destroyed,you know? I mean-- heh.
Usually I'm the one that does the destroyin' in this scenario.
You know what I'm sayin'? What are you lookin' at? Oh,uh,nothin'.
Just admirin' the view.
You mean the view bein' my ass? You know,it is rather majestic.
Actually somebody should hang,like,a scenic overlook sign next to it so people could pull to the side of the road and get a good look, maybe take some pictures with the fam next to it,like the delaware water gap.
The delaware water gap.
You want some water? Well,you better hydrate up,champ.
This fight ain't over yet.
Baby,you're gonna kill me.
I love it.
Guys'll tell you the life of a probie sucks.
You get hazed,get your balls busted.
You get to pull every shit detail in the house.
But if you stick it out,get to take out your anger and your resentment on the next poor schmuck.
Cool.
Hey,lou.
Hey,junior.
No school today? Short day.
Exam's comin' up.
Chief and mike were just givin' me some study tips.
Kid's sharp.
I got a good feeling.
Mi gente.
I have been to the promised land.
Bayonne? I closed the deal with carla.
This chick nearly put me in the hospital from dehydration.
I'm tellin' you,at one point,I kinda,like,blacked out, and when I came to,we were--we were bangin' in an entirely different room.
We got any ginseng around here? Wa-wa-wait.
So,frank,out of all the girls you bagged in the last few years, you're sayin' she's the best? That's exactly what I'm sayin',mikey.
I mean,for the first time in my life,I was completely outbanged by a woman, and I cherish every masochistic moment.
Who knew gay chicks were the way to go? Yo,we should go out and hit up a few lesbian bars, you know,see if we can wrangle us--what? First time a probie steps into the shit pile is the worst,but it'll scrape off.
Eventually.
Good luck to you.
You,too.
Thanks.
What do you mean,gay chicks? You guys didn't tell him yet? I already told you that was a probie job.
What do you mean,gay chicks? We were just hypothesizing about your girl carla's sexual,you know,orientation.
Just because she's athletic doesn't mean she's gay,all right? I just bought my mother a treadmill last month.
Does that mean she's a carpet muncher,too? I don't know.
Does you mother shake hands like hulk hogan? Ok,this is the point where you shut your face,probie,or I shut it for you.
Come on,franco.
You gotta admit,I mean,you know,you've seen her--her body language, her mannerisms,the way that she carries herself, the way she could probably carry any one of us if she wanted to.
You gotta admit she's a little,you know,butch.
Carla's not a lesbo,ok? The shit this chick did to me last night,there's no way she's gay.
Lesbos don't have moves like that.
Reverse cowgirl? Hey,come on,frank.
I mean,I know you're really into her and everything, and she's hot,a-and to be honest with you,dude, we all'd like to get a piece of that ass,but,come on,dude.
She's gotta be a fuzzbumper,you know?I mean,o-or at least bi.
And mike would know.
Yeah,I'm sure he would.
You know what?First of all,lou,you don't know her,ok? She's different than the other girls.
Well,there's no debatin' that.
Ok,you know what?I'm not even gonna let this upset me.
You guys are obviously all just jealous 'cause I got a little slice of heaven last night, and none of you pussies did.
Oh,yeah.
You bad girl.
Uh,if you guys'll excuse me,I'm gonna go on up and continue the extremely hot and, uh,steamy sext messaging conversation we're currently involved in.
Wait until she tries to do him with her strap-on.
That ought to wake him up.
You know,you're gonna have to learn one day that, um,I'm the king of the one-liners around here.
Hey,you snooze,you lose.
Anyway,I gotta hit the books,boys.
See you soon.
Oh,I can't wait to get this kid into this house.
Ok,kids.
Be careful.
Stay back.
What's wrong with that guy? Oh,you mean dominic? Poor kid.
He had a tumor removed from his calf over a week ago.
Skin cancer? The only reason he's still on the ward is because his --pardon my language-- asshole parents are on vacation in the greek isles.
Wait a minute.
His parents went to greece while he had cancer? Unbelievable.
Jesus.
No love,no care,no role models.
I feel for that kid.
I really do.
Sounds like a job for uncle lou.
Hey,buddy.
I'm mike.
- I'm david.
- Hey,david.
Hey,you wanna go on the truck? Aw,come on.
Don't be afraid.
It'll be fun.
I'm a fireman.
Let's go.
She's pretty,she's funny,she's smart,she's sexy.
Aw,so what?So she likes to drink beer and box and go to football games and heckle the other team? That's all stuff I like to do.
But you're a boy.
Girls should like ponies and rainbows and dolls and stuff.
Yeah,maybe if they're 10 years old.
Hey,guys.
You got room for 2 more? Yeah,come on in.
To be continued,all right? What's up,buddy? Pretty cool,huh? What's the matter? It's big.
Well,yeah.
I mean,you know,it--it's--it's probably a lot like, uh,you know,the first time you saw santa claus.
I mean,it's big,but it's like,uh,maybe a little bit scary.
I remember my kids were scared the first time they saw santa claus, but it's a good scary,you know what I mean? It's like y-you have this idea of what it's-- he's gonna look like,and he's gonna be--you get there.
He's big,and he's red,and-- and you have all the stuff - that you're plannin' to say to him-- - Santa's not real.
All right,I--santa claus was a bad example.
Tell you what.
You--you wanna go in the suburban,the smaller truck, and then we can kinda work our way up to the big rig? And I-- and I'll let you,uh--you could even, - you know,run the siren a couple times and really scare the sh-- - Shit? I was gonna say,"crap," but,yeah,you can scare the shit out of people.
What do you think? - Ok.
- Cool.
Come on.
You ride shotgun.
What's goin' on here,big guy? You're one to talk,fatty.
This stupid thing won't open.
Hey,I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Stand back.
See,they got a latch on the bottom.
There you go.
That's where we hide all the tools.
You like that? That's called a--a halligan.
We use that--yeah.
We use that for--you really shouldn--no.
You know what? You really shouldn't be,um,playin' with this,'cause it's a little--a little,uh,dangerous.
But these are the axes that we have,and,uh,yeah, that's,um,a--a 6-foot hook,and that's--we use that for venting the,uh--the roof.
You know,why don't you,uh-- hey,you know what? Why don't we go in the cab,and you can play with the siren.
- Would you like that? - Screw the siren.
Let's play lord of the rings.
Hey,easy,gandalf,easy.
Hey,come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Look,these aren't toys,ok? Whatever.
You're just like my dad.
Hey,dominic,come here.
My dad was an asshole who was never around,too,ok? And I-- I just--I just don't want you to hurt yourself here,ok? Yeah,I guess.
Let's go play with the siren,all right?Let's go.
Son of a bitch.
Not so scary,right? I guess.
What's the matter? I'm gonna die.
No--pfft.
Don't--don't talk like that.
Why not?It's true.
They tell me I'm gonna be ok,but I see it in their faces-- doctors,nurses,the other kids,my parents.
Not you.
Why is that? Timmy,listen.
Don't say it.
Don't lie to me like all the rest of them and tell me everything's gonna be ok,but it's not,and I know it.
I wasn't gonna say any of that crap.
Listen,I--you know,I w--I work in a job where,you know, sometimes people that are supposed to live die, and--and then sometimes people that you think are gonna die,they don't die,they live.
I got a buddy who's up in,uh--in the hospital right now, and he's got cancer in his kidney, and for a while,it was really ba--it was really scary.
But now he's better.
So,I mean,that doesn't mean that he's gonna walk out of the hospital, like,tomorrow morning a-and not get hit by a bus,you know what I mean? You can't worry about stuff like that.
You gotta just--you know,you gotta be in the moment.
You can't worry about buses and stuff.
I mean,like today.
Today's good,right?I mean,we got the-- we got the 2 trucks here, and we got--and your friends,and it's nice out.
I guess so.
Listen,you seem like a tough guy to me.
I mean,you're tougher than me,and you're tougher than all these big,strong firemen guys combined.
And I don't put a lot of,you know, stock in hope and "keep hope alive" and stuff, but,you know,when it comes to you,I think I do.
I got a lot of hope in you.
I think you got a lot of fight in you,and I think that's--really, that's all you can do is kinda hope for the best, and maybe that's what you'll get.
Or maybe I won'T.
Yeah,but,you know,hopin' can't hurt.
Right? Can I hit the siren again? Su--you can hit that siren as many times as you got-- Yeah.
See? How 'bout that,huh?Hit it again.
Nice.
Amazing.
I mean,they look so happy.
I've never seen them so thrilled.
Don't you guys have to get the trucks back? Aw,forget about that.
It's against regulations,but it doesn't matter.
I don't care if needles or anybody else finds out about this.
Could be the best thing I ever did in my life.
Where's the ignition? There's no ignition.
You just flip the perko switch,and you press the on button.
Aren't most trucks standard shift? Most,but not this one.
You seem to know a lot about trucks.
My asshole dad owns a trucking company.
The guys at the yard showed me a few things.
So do you ride in this truck? Lieutenants always ride shotgun.
So get in.
We'll pretend like we're going to a fire.
All right.
We'll-- we'll pretend.
That'll be cool,fun.
Cool.
No,pretend.
Dominic!Dominic,open the door.
Open the door,dominic.
Shut the engine off now.
We're pretending.
I wanna go in the big truck now.
Let's--let's go--wait.
Looks like somebody's actually already gettin' a ride.
They're probably just goin' around the circle.
I wanna go around the circle.
O-- that's bad.
Follow that goddamn truck.
Come on,tommy!Let's go!Move! Goddamn kids!I'm gonna strangle every one of those little shits! Timmy,put your,uh,seat belt on.
Come on,come on,come on.
Dominic,stop the truck.
Dominic.
Jesus.
What the-- We ain't gonna never catch 'em,tommy.
I'm tryin'.
Yo,stop the truck,dominic,right now!Pull over.
Dominic-- It's gonna be ok.
You're gonna be fine.
Holy shit!We're gonna die! Come on.
Come on,tommy.
Stop the goddamn truck! Oh,my god.
Come on,go around it.
Come on.
Hurry up.
All right,all right.
- Can I hit the siren again? - Yeah,go ahead.
Come on,man.
Hit it.
Let's go.
What does it look like I'm doin'? I'm drivin'.
Stop the truck,kid! Just A You want me to drive,tommy?Come on,man.
What are you doin'? Faster,tommy!Faster! Damn these cancer kids.
Not you,timmy.
There's still hope.
The other--you know.
Hit the brake.
Stop the goddamn--uhh.
You ok? Thank you.
I can die now.
That was awesome! Can we play lord of the rings now? If I were your asshole parents,I'd stay in goddamn greece.