Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e14 Episode Script

Well, thanks for coming.
And tell your friends they're welcome to come and discuss their husbands, their boyfriends and their husbands' boyfriends.
What is it about coffee that makes people want to spill their guts? I don't know, but those guts are going to buy me an outside cabin on a Caribbean cruise.
Yeah, this little beverage venture of yours does seem to be paying off.
Yes, it does.
This month I may actually turn my first profit.
Whoo-hoo! I mean, ka-ching.
I just wish I didn't have to wait until the end of the month to see if I made a profit.
Wait a minute, I don't.
I'll just call in my Profit Prophet, Harvey.
Your Profit Prophet is a big bunny? Oops.
Wrong Harvey.
Really wrong Harvey.
Hi, Harvey.
How you doing? You know I've been thinking about you a lot recently and No time for chitchat.
Finally.
Sabrina, meet Harvey, the Profit Prophet.
Hi.
Nice staff.
Yes, the ladies seem to like it.
So, Harvey, is Hilda's going to be showered with shekels by the 30th? Let's have a look-see.
Nothing is coming.
You mean nothing's coming for free.
Oh, so I guess he's not a non-profit Prophet.
So what's the deal, am I going to make money or not? Not if you keep piddling it away like this.
Next time I go with Isaiah.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
I can't believe this.
I've already got a ton of homework.
How am I supposed to write a five-page essay on Hamlet's speech as a window to his madness? What about the window to my madness? I'm swamped, too.
I have to write a paper on Picasso then study for my exams on Organic Chemistry and Comparative Religions.
How do you do all this and fit in baseball practice every day? I've learned to multi-task.
I'm on my way to the batting cages and I'm bringing my audio version of The Koran.
See ya.
Later.
Hey, how's it going? About as well as Nervous Breakdown 101 can go.
Well, you haven't bitten down to the cuticle yet.
That's a good sign.
Like I didn't have enough studying already.
Now I've got to write an essay on Hamlet.
This school is killing me.
They expect me to go to class all day, study all night and get straight As.
You don't need straight As.
After last semester's grades I do or else I'll lose my scholarship.
Wow.
That's rough.
I don't even have a scholarship hanging over my head and I'm already stressed out enough.
My statistics class is killing me.
Here comes my professor.
He's a complete tyrant.
Congratulations, Sabrina.
You aced another data analysis test.
You've got a true gift for numbers.
Do you see what I mean? What a jerk.
Here's my estimated monthly sales gross.
And here's my projected annual gross with a pudding stain on it.
Gross.
Hilda, if you want to turn a profit you're going to have to cut costs.
Or if you really want to make some serious moola talk to my investment counselor, Sid.
Hello? Yeah, Sid, put me down for $100 on Run Like Hell in the fifth.
Hey, Morgan, you almost ready? One more minute.
I'm layering my scent.
I don't want to know what that means.
Okay, how does this sound? "Hamlet, the young Danish prince is possibly one of Shakespeare's most" most most Most repetitive characters? Okay, so now you're making fun of me.
Like I'm not under enough pressure.
If I read this play one more time my brain's going to explode.
Well, now you've officially graduated to Madness 102.
Ryan, come on in.
Thanks.
Let me guess, you're here because you're having as much trouble with this Hamlet paper as I am? Uh, no.
Morgan's fixing me up with a friend of hers.
We're doubling with her and Josh.
Oh, hey, Ryan.
-Hey, how's it going? How do you have time to go out on a date? Don't tell me you already finished your paper? I'll do it after the date.
You know what they say, "All work and no play" Leads to the eventual destruction of the cerebral cortex.
Maybe it's just my family.
All ready.
Morgan, we're just going to Denny's for a burger.
You never know who you might run into.
Yeah, there might be a fry cook there that can put you on the cover of Mademoiselle.
Come on, guys.
See ya later.
What's up with that? Yeah, I didn't smell any layers in her scent.
Not her, Ryan.
Well now he smelled good.
He knocks off his paper in his spare time and mine's going to take me all night.
I must be really stupid.
Well, first of all, you don't know what Ryan's work looks like when he turns it in.
Second of all, you know college is stressful enough.
Don't add to it by trying to compare yourself to everybody else.
I hate to break it to you but that's what the whole grading system's about.
Oh, well, in that case what are you talking to me for? You got a paper to write, missy.
Hey, Morgan.
By the look of last night's eye shadow on your chin I'm guessing the evening went well.
Oh, it was fantastic.
We all ended up at this party till 4:00 in the morning.
Really? That's about the same time that Roxie got done with her Hamlet paper.
-Wow.
You know, if I liked her more, I'd sort of feel bad for her.
You know, Roxie works her tail off for her GPA.
How is Ryan able to go out and party all night and still get good grades? Hello, star pitcher for the baseball team? Hello, don't understand what that has to do with anything.
Sabrina, you are so naive.
The school grades athletes way easier.
Plus the coaches encourage those guys to take cake classes which are guaranteed As.
Like Bowling and Lifestyle Skills which, by the way, I aced.
Giving any student that kind of preferential treatment is totally unethical.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Whatever.
Hey, Aunt Zelda have you ever been told to take it easier academically on star athletes? No.
Although, I must admit I don't get a lot of middle linebackers taking Advanced Quantum Mechanics.
Why do you ask? It seems to be a practice that goes on here with certain teachers.
That's appalling.
You know the same thing happened with the Varsity Jousters in high school.
In Alchemy, Merlin just let them pull As out of a hat.
Did you do anything about it? When was the last time you saw a jouster? This calls for a closer inspection.
Much closer.
Roxie's paper.
She'll definitely get an "A.
" Hey.
She worked really hard on that.
And that tickles.
An "A" for party boy, that's insane.
I'll fix that.
Okay.
That's more like it.
Ow.
Hey.
Watch the earrings.
Hey! Hey! No, no! This is the last time I buy from Staples.
I wonder if there's any Dramamine in that drawer.
Too late.
Sabrina, you've been working on that article for hours.
Can I get you anything? Either a solution to unfair grading practices for athletes or a pumpkin bagel.
Pumpkin bagel coming up.
Hey, where are the pumpkin bagels? In the pumpkin bagel patch? Huh? In the interest of lowering overhead we are no longer in the exotic carbohydrate business.
From now on, all we sell are plain bagels and glazed doughnuts.
Hilda, we have an eclectic, sophisticated clientele.
All right, a lot of the people who come in here look forward to their cran-apple poppy seed scones.
They may like them but in order for me to turn a decent profit I would have to charge separately for the crans, the apples and the poppy seeds.
Well, hey, if all you're worried about is profit why don't you just start making the cappuccinos with instant coffee? Way ahead of you.
You just put in some hot, steamed mocha mix sprinkle cinnamon on it.
Nobody will know the difference except my accountant.
This article of yours is causing quite a stir on campus.
Oh, well, isn't that the purpose of good journalism? To shine a light on important issues and make people think? Exactly--and rumor has it the school is going to crack down on preferential grading practices.
Oh that's great.
I'm really happy for Roxie.
Finally the playing field will be level.
I'm very proud of you, Sabrina.
You stood up for what was right and you didn't have to cast a pox on any jousters.
You deserve a pat on the back.
Hey, there she is.
Nice work, Spellman.
Oh, hey, you like my article? Loved every word.
Thanks to you, I'm out of the big playoff game on Saturday.
What? The coach just benched me until I finish all my assignments.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
You just cost Adams College the championship.
At least I didn't give anyone a pox.
Way to go, Sabrina.
Because of your stupid article I can kiss my "A" in Bowling good-bye.
What are you talking about? You're taking Bowling? I needed a cake class to keep up my GPA.
Bowling was the one course where I didn't have to work my tail off to get a good grade.
But now because of you, my teacher says we actually have to show up and learn how to bowl.
You're really taking Bowling? Yes.
And now I have to get an "A" on the Bowling final.
There's a Bowling final? There is now.
Look, I'm sorry, I really am.
I just wanted to make things fair.
For you, for everybody.
Well, I'm not everybody.
I'm just someone who's going to fail Bowling and lose her scholarship.
Thanks a lot, Spellman.
Can't believe this is happening.
Can't believe there's a Bowling final.
One glaze donut and freeze-dried coffee coming up.
Thank you kindly, son.
So, how much rain you figure we're going to get? Same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.
That's true.
Those dang weathermen never get it right.
How much do you think weathermen get paid? The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.
You have a nice day now.
Well, that depends on the weather, doesn't it? You're catching on.
Hilda, this glaze-donut crowd is driving me crazy.
I'm ready to beat my head against the espresso machine.
Do it quick 'cause I'm trading down to an instant hot cocoa dispenser.
Thanks to the glaze-donut crowd, I'm rolling in dough.
Nothing against making money but the quality of conversation in here has gone from "Is there a god?" to "Are you bass biting down at the lake?" I had no idea you were such an elitist.
You need to embrace the down-homesiness of our new customers.
Hi, Wayne.
Huh? Knee still acting up? Lorene, let me know which hot dish to bring to fellowship supper.
I love that new leg, Fred.
Aunt Hilda, since when do you talk like someone who married their first cousin? Since it started making me a pickle barrel of cash.
Yeehaw.
Check your I.
Q.
at the door.
Our new customers say it's looking like rain over and over and over again.
Well, I'd rather hear about the rain than how I'm responsible for Adam's star pitcher not playing in the game against Emerson on Saturday.
Josh, do you think writing that article was a mistake? Absolutely not.
You stuck with your convictions, you took a stand you let everybody know that Sabrina Spellman cares about what's right.
Thanks, Josh.
Wait a minute, you don't care about the principle.
You just want your school to win on Saturday.
I want justice to win.
And if my school should benefit in the process so be it.
You have a nice day now.
Excuse me.
Any chance it's fixin' to rain on Saturday? Could be, 'cause my knee is actin' up.
Course, could be from the other day when I bent down funny.
Oh, geez, there it is.
Hey.
Oh it's you.
You're not still mad at me about the game, are you? No.
Now I'm mad at you because you put a major crimp in my social life.
Ryan was going to take Josh and me to a party but now he's home, chained to his books.
Look, I know it seems unfair now but in 20 years, somebody somewhere will thank me.
Please, God, I hope.
It certainly won't be me.
Me, either.
Thanks to you, I have to study Introduction to Bowling Theory for the all-important written portion of my final exam.
Then I'll have exactly one hour to throw a bowling ball that doesn't land in the snack bar.
I know how to bowl.
I could give you some pointers.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Miles is probably an incredible bowler.
I mean, that is a face that screams "I own my own ball.
" with a monogrammed bag.
You can lift a 16-pound ball with those scrawny arms? Believe me, it took years of conditioning.
Look, it's a great learning opportunity.
Plus, you're desperate.
Go! Fine.
I mean, great.
Let me just grab a wrist guard, chamois and rosin bag.
It only gets better.
Oh! I'm never going to learn this! Sure you will.
It's very simple.
First, you step forward on the right foot.
Extend the ball, going through a down-swing.
Then, bring the ball into a back-swing slowly as the left foot gradually comes forward.
Then, when you reach the top of the back-swing step forward on the right foot going through a slide on the left foot.
Then, at precisely the moment the slide ends release the ball, thumb first, and position your hand at approximately a 45-degree angle to your eyes.
And that's all there is to it? No.
I like to do a little dance right about now.
Hey, Salem, have you seen Aunt Zelda? Since when did I become her personal secretary? Hey which horse do you like better? Shaved Turkey or Slap Me Silly? I know I'd like to slap you silly.
And I'd like to shave a turkey.
The point is I've got to pick a horse and call my bookie.
Oh, by the by I've also got a boatload riding on the Adams-Emerson game.
Well, I hope you didn't bet on Adams.
Thanks to my article, the star pitcher can't play and everyone's expecting us to lose big.
I've got to page Sid at the track and tell him I meant Emerson! God, I hope he's still sober.
Hi, honey.
I'm so glad to see you.
I can guarantee you're the only person in town who said that today.
You should be proud of what you did.
You tried to correct an injustice and that's truly admirable.
Then why is everyone looking at me like I'm the one who told Felicity to cut her hair? Sabrina, you don't do a selfless thing for the glory.
You do it because it's right.
Well, I don't think it's right that Roxie lose her scholarship or for Adams to lose the big game.
There's got to be some way to set things right.
Well, you could use your powers to make it rain frogs but that's been done to death.
What about cats and dogs? If you think frogs are messy Acid rain? No.
Too much.
I'll come up with something.
Yes! I think I'm finally getting the hang of this.
What's my score now? Is that good? Only if you're on a respirator.
Guys, how's the lesson going? Do you really want to know? I don't know.
Do I? My final starts in five minutes and the only way I'm going to pass is if I run down the alley and throw myself at the pins.
Do they allow that? Hey, I've never taken bowling.
I'm telling you, you can do this.
I showed you all the moves.
You just have to relax.
My scholarship's going right into the gutter.
How am I supposed to relax? I may have a way.
Roxie's too uptight, we know.
Chill her out, so she can bowl like a pro.
Very nice! Got to go.
Okay, let me start by saying I'm sorry.
Now that that's done let's get down to business.
Excuse me? You got to finish your work and bring your grades up by Saturday and I'm here to help.
You want to help? Turn around, and walk back out that door.
Okay, Ryan, look, you're probably so overwhelmed you don't even know where to begin and you've probably forgotten how to study you've skated by for so long.
And you're certainly not going to get anywhere by doodling "I hate Sabrina.
" Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? First of all, never spell "Sabrina" with three Ns.
Second of all, the sooner we open these books the sooner you'll be on that playing field.
I don't think that's going to happen.
Sit down, and let's talk Hamlet.
So, I finally break down and get myself one of them ridin' mowers and what happens? It rains for days so I can't mow my lawn.
It's the darndest thing.
"The darndest thing"? I'll tell you what's the darndest thing.
This conversation and every conversation I've had in this place since you glaze-donut people took over.
All you talk about is the weather, your fish and your farm equipment.
I don't care about profits.
I want my cran-apple poppy-seed people back.
Cran-apple poppy seed?! That's crazy talk! Oh, yeah? Well, how's this for crazy talk? Skeedaddle! Shoo! Shoo! Y'all, don't come back now, ya hear? And take this complimentary jar of freeze-dried coffee with you.
The missus will really like this.
Thanks, boss.
Anyone want some of my tofu seaweed omelet? Sure, I'll try it.
Ooh, it's not to eat it's a deep-cleaning facial mask.
That explains the witch hazel aftertaste.
Hi.
Nighty-night.
Hold on-- It's 9:00 a.
m.
Where've you been all night? Ryan's dorm room.
What?! What?! We were just studying.
Yeah.
Right.
Like I've never used that one before.
Relax.
I was helping him catch up with his classes.
He's halfway through-- it's up to him to go the distance.
Speaking of which I'm not a witch! Excuse me? Sorry.
I'm really tired.
Did you say something? I passed my bowling final with flying colors.
That's great! Congratulations.
Yeah.
I'll be able to keep my scholarship.
And you know what? It was kind of fun learning a new skill.
I have much to teach you.
Just think of me as your personal Yoda.
Or we could just stick with "Hey, you.
" Oh, hey, Roxie.
Hey, Miles.
Why are you dressed like Ray Charles? Oh, I just came to slip into my 3:00 class and slip out with my life.
That is, unless Ryan turned in his work on time and things are back to normal.
Hey, Spellman, I hope you trip over your laptop and die.
Well, at least you guys appreciate me.
It's good to know I still have friends I can count on.
We're here for you, Sabrina.
Through thick and thin.
Hey, Sabrina We're out of here.
I've got good news.
I handed in all my assignments and I get to play on Saturday.
Did everyone hear that? Ryan gets to play in the game on Saturday! Woo-hoo! Ow! How am I going to pitch if I can't see? I can't believe I lost the championship twice and it hasn't even been played yet.
I was just having some fun with you.
But to be on the safe side-- do you think you could stay away from the field on Saturday? Yeah, anything I can do to be a good athletic supporter.
Gotta go.
Adams leads, one to nothing.
It's bottom of the ninth, two outs.
Emerson's down to their last chance.
Johnson steps up to the plate Go, Emerson! Knock it out of the park, Johnson! No batter, no batter, no batter-- hey! You know what I love about baseball? It's all part of the game to be abusive and obnoxious.
You know what I like best? The snacks.
Hey, peanuts over here.
Thanks, Salem.
How can you eat legumes when there's so much riding on this? Salem, it's just a game.
To you.
To me, it's the chance to become fabulously wealthy or live as a fugitive and have my face surgically altered.
Johnson hits the ball deep deep, deep to left field! Yes, yes, yes! And it's caught! The game's over! Adams wins! That should be Sid.
And I should be booking my plastic surgeon and the next flight to the Cayman Islands-- Toodles.