Spin City s05e14 Episode Script

What charity's this for, again? Help the children, help the dolphins, help help me, Rhonda.
It's a charity fashion show.
I think we came in the wrong way.
How can it be wrong when it feels so right? Here, Charlie, have some gum.
We can't let our breath hold us back.
Careful waving that around.
These girls look hungry.
Yeah, stick with me.
You might get to meet one of these lovely ladies.
I'm counting on you, sir.
Why, that that woman's dress is awfully sheer.
She's not wearing a dress.
My hair! It's ruined! It's not ruined.
I'll fix it.
Uh, uh No it's ruined.
I can't believe that model is gonna sue the mayor.
I mean, all he did is put a little gum in her hair.
Caitlin, Tatiana's hair is her trademark.
Without it, she's just another $10,000-a-day supermodel who will try her hand at acting and eventually marry rod Stewart.
We've gotta find the mayor a good lawyer.
I already got one my old college buddy, Scott.
He's on his way in.
Is being your college buddy his only credential? Well, he was my frat's official kegmaster.
Angie, cancel my call to f.
Lee Bailey.
You've got the kegmaster.
This guy is a great lawyer.
In two years, he made partner at a top Washington law firm.
I hate lawyers.
They always give you false promises like, "they don't have a case, Stuart.
" "Those charges won't stick, Stuart.
" If you say he's good, I'll trust you.
Don't worry about all that kegmaster stuff.
That was a long time ago.
Hey, hey! How's it goin', mullet head? Not bad, you big sack of dirt.
I forgot to tell you your friend Scott is here.
Thanks, Angie.
Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah! Oh, I'm sorry.
Scott, this is Caitlin Moore.
Nice to meet you.
A handshake will be fine.
Nice to meet you, too.
I cannot believe that you are the deputy mayor of New York.
Six months ago, I was talking you out of streaking across the white house lawn.
You were the voice of reason that night.
It was such a better idea to streak through the Lincoln memorial.
I'll talk to you later, Charlie.
Ugh! What was that? Isn't that what we were doing? No? No.
You dog.
What? You've slept with her, haven't you? No, but she treats me like I have.
So you wouldn't mind if I made a run at her? You? With Caitlin? Good luck.
She digs chicks? No, she likes guys.
Then I'm in.
Guys who are open, sensitive, and honest.
I could fake that.
Hey, Paul.
How's the coffee today? Paul, you're in another world.
What's up? See that girl over there? Isn't she pretty? Yes.
Yes, she is.
She's coming this way.
Hi, I'm Carter.
Hi, I'm Susan.
I just started in the parks department.
And this is Paul, the press secretary.
Wow.
The press secretary.
You must really have a way with words.
Well, it was, uh, nice to meet you.
She's like an angel sent from heaven.
Hmm.
Who's the fresh meat? Her name is Susan, and Paul saw her first.
I can respect that.
You've got till the end of the day, and I'm moving in.
That's 5 hours and 33 minutes.
Well, so much for that.
Paul! Don't let Stuart scare you.
Hey, I'll help you.
Pretend I'm Susan.
Now, ask me out.
Okay.
Susan, I may not be the best-looking guy in the world or the richest or the best-dressed, and I may not have the best apartment in the world Paul, there's nothing wrong with being humble, but the whole "I suck" thing might be a turnoff.
Susan would never go for a guy like me.
That's why I'm gonna turn you into a hip, stylish, ladies' man.
First of all, what's with this? It's Italian.
This suit is Italian? Oh, I thought you were talking about the stain.
I had ziti for lunch.
First, I'm gonna put the mayor's lawsuit to bed, then it's Caitlin's turn.
Man, are you gonna crash and burn.
We'll see.
I've decided to break out the old Charlie Crawford Ah, the classics.
Step one impress her with a skill.
Step 2 establish friendly physical contact.
Step 3 take her to the beach in Callahan's fiero.
Actually, there's been an update.
Now step 3 is accidental revealing something intensely personal.
Why? The fiero thing still works.
Charlie! This lawsuit is ridiculous! People target me because I'm a public figure.
Regarding your case, I spoke to the plaintiff's lawyers this morning and cited Martin v torgove.
A life-and-death situation I.
E.
You choking nullifies any malice of intent, thereby releasing you from any and all liabilities.
In layman's terms, you'll be golfing by 4:00.
In that case, I'd better go hit a bucket o' balls.
Scott, I'm impressed.
Step one.
So the mayor's gonna come through this all right? I'll be having them begging us not to countersue.
Charlie was right.
You are good.
Ah-two! Enough shoptalk.
Scott and I have some catching up to do.
What do you say the three of us have dinner tonight? It sounds great, but, Caitlin, you got plans, right? I would love to come.
Oh, but first, I I have to go call my mom.
Today is the anniversary of the day that my dad walked out on us, and I think it just helps her to hear my voice.
I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't have revealed something that intensely personal.
Don't be silly.
It's refreshing to hear a guy being so sensitive.
Paul, you look great! What is this material? I've never felt anything like it.
It's cotton.
I want you to be confident.
Thanks to me, you're well-versed in literature, fine music, and how to select the perfect wine for any meal.
If all else fails, just don't be yourself.
Susan! HeyPaul.
You look different.
And may I say you look lovely? It was Shakespeare who said, "shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
" Oh! Okay.
Susan, would you like to go to happy hour and get some chicken wings? Sure.
Paul! Do something! A full-bodied cabernet goes very nicely with chicken wings! So, tell me some of your college stories.
My stories are pretty much like anyone else's President of the student body, captain of the swim team.
Tell her about the time you got caught spying in the girls' shower, and they threatened to expel you, but they let you off because you cried to the Dean.
Tell her that one.
That's pretty much the whole story, Charlie.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Not as good as the time you got caught plagiarizing I think I'll go get us another round.
I'll come with you.
Don't drink too much.
Don't want to wet your bed like you did your senior year.
What are you doing? What? I'm helping him out.
Girls love fun stories like that.
Ladies love a plagiarizing bed-wetter.
I just don't think Caitlin should get involved with Scott.
He's a dog, and he's only after one thing.
Maybe he's changed.
doing his "pulling a quarter out of her ear" trick.
Hmm.
Looks more like a $100 bill.
What am I worried about? Caitlin's way too smart for Scott.
It's not like she's gonna go home with the guy.
Uh, Charlie and you know why? Because she's got too much class.
I almost feel sorry for him.
I'm gonna go bail him out before he makes a complete ass of himself.
On second thought, I think I'll just let him twist in the wind.
Where the hell is Caitlin? I haven't seen her since she left with Scott.
She went home with Scott? I can't believe this.
I've been throwing myself at him all week.
Hey, guys.
Since when do we leave bars without telling each other? What about last week at McSorley's? I turned my head, and you left with the coatcheck girl.
I didn't leave.
I was in the coat closet.
So, Scott's a pretty good-looking guy, huh? Any details I should know about? That's personal, and I'd rather not talk about it.
I don't mean to pry, but that Scott is a wild man.
One time, we were down in Mexico, and he got this tattoo right on his butt.
I can't remember if it was a leprechaun or a devil.
Can you help me out? Okay, this is ridiculous.
If you must know, nothing happened.
Hey, whatever.
I don't care.
Why are you being so weird about this? Wait a minute.
You're jealous, aren't you? No.
What kind of person would be jealous about you going home with Scott? Caitlin.
I get it.
This is about that time in the elevator.
You know we both reached for the button at the same time, our hands touched, and you gave me that look.
And while you tried to play it off, you can't deny there was a moment.
Yes, I can, because I have no idea what you're talking about.
Keep telling yourself that.
Hey, bud.
You got an instant message from Vanessa, and we've been having a little chat.
Oh, this woman is naughty.
Who is she? She's the governor's Goodbye.
Rumor has it you struck out with Caitlin last night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Everything is under control.
The 3-step plan wasn't working, so I switched to the nice-guy routine.
I took her for a walk, we went out for coffee, I listened to her talk about her feelings, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, Scott, did it ever occur to you to try treating Caitlin with a little respect? No, but thanks for sharing that with me.
She will totally eat that up.
I want you to know that I couldn't have done this without your help.
When I'm with her, I'll be thinking of you.
That came out wrong.
You know what? Forget Caitlin.
When was the last time we did some male bonding? We are going camping you and me alone in the middle of nowhere in a tent.
That came out wrong.
We are going to Vegas.
Two rooms.
You know, you're acting really weird.
Wait a minute.
You're not jealous about Caitlin, are you? No.
Oh, God.
Did she tell you some story about an elevator? No.
What happened? Nothing.
Nothing happened in the elevator.
Can't get it out of your mind, can you? I had Susan right in my hands, and Stuart just took her away from me.
Paul, this kind of thing happens all the time.
Right, Charlie? Sure.
I've stolen tons of chicks from guys like Paul.
Thanks, boss.
Come on, Paul, don't be so down on yourself.
Remember this is not a competition between you and Stuart.
Ah! I love the smell of loser in the morning.
Hey, you scored the first date, but Paul lassiter is a fighter.
This is far from over.
That sounds like a challenge.
Paul's gonna take this woman to dinner and the ballet.
You are gonna look like a pathetic fool.
Strong words, Paul.
You man enough to back them up? Paul doesn't like your tone.
What are you gonna do? He's gonna make sure Susan sees you for the lecherous fraud you really are.
Ha ha! You got a lot of nerve, talking to me like that.
We can't thank you enough for settling the mayor's case.
That model was vicious.
She came after me like I was a salad with dressing.
It was my pleasure, sir.
As a lawyer, I'm all about helping people.
And as a man, I'm all about committing myself to the right woman.
This is such a refreshing attitude.
Where I come from, we still believe in traditional values.
L.
A.
? Well, let's have a toast to the clearing of my good name.
To think that that model accused me of being a danger to society.
Ow! My eye! Well, time to go.
Think I'll cut through the kitchen.
Enjoy.
Your coat's getting all wrinkled up.
Why don't you let me take it to the coatcheck for you? Scott is great.
I am so sick of dating guys who are all about their money and the kind of car they drive.
I mean, he's a real grown-up.
We'd like I am one move away from the end zone.
Caitlin is really into guys who make a lot of money and drive flashy cars.
You haven't been playing that up enough.
I'm all over it.
Would you bring us a bottle of your best champagne? By "your best champagne," I mean your most expensive champagne.
And please hurry.
I don't like to leave my Porsche 911 turbo parked in the street.
Oh, I love that car.
Maybe you'd like to get out of here and go for a drive? Sure, let me just go to the ladies' room first.
All right, this is getting out of control.
Oh, you're telling me.
I got about three minutes to find a Porsche.
We need to have a serious discussion.
I'll give you full details in the morning.
This thing with Caitlin ends right now.
Why are you flipping out? You're acting like an idiot.
I'm having a good time.
Why don't you grow up? Look who's talkin'.
Don't push me.
Are you gonna hit me? Dude, that was rhetorical! Ah.
Looks like someone's sitting home alone while Paul is out on the town with Susan.
Ha ha ha ha! Wait a minute.
A rented movie, a box of wine, two hungry-man dinners.
You're on a date.
Hi, Carter.
Susan, where's Paul? I ditched him halfway through that stupid, boring dance performance.
Stupid and boring.
"Pas de death" is this year's definitive off-Broadway experimental ballet.
What about the restaurant? Oh, it sucked! It was so pompous and stuffy.
Pompous and stuffy.
You know what? I think Paul may be too cultured for you.
Well, I think he may be gay.
Sorry, Carter, I blew it.
Susan ditched me.
What are you doing here? Oh, Paul, I'm sorry.
I just don't think we're right for each other.
You're way too sophisticated for me.
Carter told me to act that way.
I didn't enjoy a single thing we did tonight well, with the exception of "pas de death.
" I mean, that blew me away.
So you're not really like that? Oh, no.
I'm just a simple man.
I enjoy big-band music and legal thrillers and commemorative coins.
Oh! And here I thought you were this boring, pretentious jerk.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're insulting my good friend Carter.
Well, I got news for you you don't like Carter, you don't like me.
But I do like you.
Okay, let's go! Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
I just lost a woman to Paul.
What about me? She rejected everything I'm about my culture, my refined taste.
I know what will make you feel better "when crocodiles go crazy III.
" I'll unbox the wine.
Ah ha ha.
Ooh! Alligator in the trailer park.
Bad time to wash the pickup.
Okay, what happened back there? Why did you get in a fight with Scott? That wasn't a fight.
That's an old college game.
It's called "I punch you.
" If you ever play, try to go first.
If you were protecting my honor, you don't have to.
Scott's not the first guy to hit on me.
I can look after myself.
I know that.
Then what made you snap like that? Scott and I have been going out and picking up women for years, but when I saw him doing it tonight, I-I just lost it.
That's not good enough.
I want to know why.
Because he was doing it to you, and you're my friend, and you deserve better than that.
I'm so touched.
It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
What's going on with your voice? This is a special moment.
Tell me you're not moved.
Oh, damn.
Hand me a tissue.
That's it, let it out.
I got blood on my loafers.
Look, Charlie, I know Scott's a player.
But deep down, I can tell he's an honest, sensitive person.
You should have seen him break down when he realized his Porsche was stolen.
I know he thinks the world of you.
You should talk to him.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Come on, I'll walk out with you.
Get over yourself.
Are we cool? Yeah, we're cool.
I cannot believe the kegmaster is a big-time lawyer.
And you're the deputy mayor of New York.
I guess we're maturing.
What do mature guys do? They golf.
Wanna go golfing? I guess we should bring some beers.
And some dates.
I'm loving everything except the golfing.
Let's go to a bar.
We can watch golf.
Sit, ubu, sit!