The Mindy Project s05e14 Episode Script

1 Previously, on "The Mindy Project" This year, I finally met the best guy.
He has a steady job, cool daughter, and he says straight-up cute stuff like I think I kinda love you.
The more I get to know you, the more I love you.
The only place I really wanna be is right here.
Things are going great with Ben.
You guys will probably get married.
I'm not getting married to Ben.
Besides, who says I even need to get married? You don't.
Honestly, you're too cool to get married.
I guess I should talk to him about it.
Yeah.
Dad, that's it.
That's the ring.
We'll take it.
- You don't wanna get married.
- I don't.
I love you and I don't want things to change.
Okay, everyone, we've gotten some complaints about our phone etiquette.
Now, I'm not naming any names, but I would prefer it if from now on, no one answered calls with, "You have 30 seconds.
Wow me.
" Well, it must be nice to have all day to just chitchat on the phone.
- Okay - all: I wish I was In a land of cotton Old times they are not forgotten Look away, look away, look away Dixie Land [all humming.]
- Oh, hey, Colette.
- Karen Jean Simmons, in the five months we've known each other, I've grown to love you more than Dominique Wilkins loves slam dunks.
This isn't happening.
I know this is sudden, but it would seriously rule if you would be my wife.
- Ohh! - Yes! Yes! - Two times, yes! - [all exclaiming.]
[cheers and applause.]
Now, in Kimball-Kinney tradition, I'm supposed to carry you away on a horse, but the horse got spooked and ran into the Lincoln Tunnel.
Oh, well, that's okay, Colette.
You're the only ride I'll ever need.
Ohh.
- Giddy up, cowgirl! - all: I wish I was in Dixie Hooray, hooray In Dixie Land I'll take my stand To live and die in Dixie Away, away, away down south in Dixie [hip-hop music.]
They sounded like a chorus of gay angels and then Colette, she picks her up and carries her out on her back.
- Yeah.
- So romantic.
But then Colette's knee gave out and she flattened Farzad's newsstand.
Yeah, that's that's cool, man.
- I'm sorry, hey, hello.
- Huh? What? I'm telling you this crazy story.
What's wrong, dude? Is it my cologne? It it's propane.
No, it's Can you keep a secret? [inhales sharply.]
I don't know, man.
I'm like 0 for 500.
I was about to propose to Mindy.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! - Bought a ring and everything.
- Ahh! Princess cut blood diamond.
- Her favorite kind.
- That's what she wants.
But out of nowhere, she announces that she doesn't ever wanna get married.
- Sh she said that? - Yeah.
When did she say that, exactly? Was it, like, a long time ago? Or was it, like, last Saturday after she and I spoke? Yeah, it was last Saturday, yeah.
That is [exhales.]
She said she doesn't want to get married because I can't give her anything that she doesn't already have.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Mm.
- I know.
She's clearly going crazy and she has some kind of brain parasite, 'cause she's always eating that expired peanut butter.
I gotta go to her house and get rid of that peanut butter.
Otherwise, s-she's gonna die.
All right.
Watch - You all right? - Yep.
- [crashing.]
- I got it.
The Squares Exhibit at the Museum of Geometry.
It's only the greatest collection of square art ever assembled in the Northern Hemisphere.
And I've got two tickets to the opening night.
Oh, thank you.
This is very thoughtful.
Of course.
Obviously, we'll be going as as friends.
I wanna be square with you.
Oh.
[laughs.]
The Square Exhibit.
- [knocking.]
- Knock, knock.
Just wanted to invite you all to a little engagement party I'm throwing tomorrow in honor of the future Mrs.
and Mrs.
Kimball-Kinney.
The theme is "Fried Green Tomatoes.
" Oh, how wonderful.
You know, I have a broach with Jessica Tandy's profile on it.
Wonderful.
7:00 p.
m.
sharp.
No gifts under $100.
They'll just be thrown out.
Right.
- I'm so happy for Colette.
- [cell phone vibrates.]
You know, I was her first kiss.
She said, "Well, that settles that.
" Hm? Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
It's Tim.
He won't sign the divorce papers, and he keeps texting for a second chance.
Well, as your friend, my advice would be: go with your gut.
It's usually right.
Except for that year I thought I could pull off one dangly earring.
Well, yes, of course.
You're right.
I moved out for a reason and not just because my maid hates me.
I'm not going to text him back.
Well done.
Hey, what's going on in here? I'm eating my lunch.
Are those bridal magazines? I thought maybe we could chill and plan your future wedding.
I already planned mine.
It's BYOB, BYO food, BYO silverware, BYO chair.
Plan my wedding? You're the one that convinced me that I don't need to get married.
And honestly, it's been so freeing.
I have so much extra brain space.
I can finally understand my TV shows.
Transparent's a guy! But what about Ben? Do you not want to get married because you're afraid you're not gonna bond with his Jewish relatives? Just don't tell them your theories on Israel.
I don't know what it is.
Is it a place? Is it an idea? I-I would just leave the whole area alone.
Please, please.
I talked to Ben.
He doesn't want to get married either.
It's good to keep talking about this because things change and evolve and stuff.
So maybe you should talk to him again.
I'm enjoying my lunch.
I think you should go.
Hey! What's up, you guys? Colette, you are absolutely glowing.
You must really love this woman.
I think it's so romantic that you're just letting someone come into your life and change it forever.
When you stay single long enough, marriage starts to become less like a bond and looks more like one of those little plastic cubes where they imprison super heroes to deprive them of their super powers.
Oh, yeah? Huh.
My life is so fulfilling by myself that the idea of having to share it with someone 50/50 forever I mean, can you imagine? Barf.
- I would kill myself.
- Yeah.
But Colette, you are young.
And it warms my heart to see you completely lose yourself in another person.
Cool.
[phone chiming.]
Hi, your estranged husband is standing right behind me.
Tim.
Why are you here? Oh, no.
Are you cheating on me with someone who works here? It ain't cheating if you're broken up.
Hi, I'm Beverly.
No.
Stop.
Anna, I'm here because I think it's time for you to come home.
I mean, your Japanese toilet misses you, your panic room misses you and I miss you.
You cheated on me with my own closet organizer.
[whispers.]
She knows me better than anyone.
And I'm sorry.
I know what I did was wrong but I also know that you don't sleep well when you're not home.
And you're a mess without your solid three hours a night.
It's true.
I haven't been sleeping well in my Airbnb.
It has a poorly executed nautical theme.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, just come over for a drink.
We'll see how it feels.
What do you say? - I'll think about it.
- I'll show you out.
- Okay.
Ow.
- Right this way.
You're hurting my arm.
Thanks for inviting me over for a girls' night, Mindy.
Leo and I love spending time with you.
And he doesn't like anybody.
Seriously, he bit a mall Santa.
The Santa swore, he got fired.
Leo's the best.
I always wanted a younger brother.
We could go to the park, read together.
Oh, hey, do you wanna make a little extra money? I need a babysitter tomorrow night.
Leo's old babysitter quit.
He was getting handsy with her.
I guess he takes after his mom.
That sounds great.
Where are you going? I am going to an engagement party.
And actually, there'll be an open bar so it would be great if you could just lay out some, like, trash bags around the bed.
Wait, my dad proposed to you without telling me? I helped him pick the ring.
Your dad bought a ring and was gonna propose to me? Uh [laughs.]
No? Oh, my God.
Your dad bought me a ring? Did he get it from a Jewish man in the city - or a Latino man in the mall? - I don't know.
Maybe he didn't buy you a ring.
My memory's bad because I just started doing drugs.
Please.
You're too good of a kid for all that.
You tattled on me when you caught me sniffing your markers.
Fine, yes.
My dad did buy you an engagement ring.
Really nice one.
He sold his "All-American Comics" #16.
- It's the first appearance of - Golden Age Green Lantern.
Oh, my God! I know that because he yelled at me when I was reading that comic with chocolaty fingers.
Well, what is he waiting for? - Why hasn't he proposed? - I don't know.
Oh, wait.
Maybe it's because I told him that I never want to get married.
And I don't.
I don't think.
I don't know.
Ugh.
Lindsay, why is he listening to me now? I mean, I don't even listen to half the crap I say.
Just don't tell Dad I told you, okay? He might get mad.
Lindsay, I have to talk to your father about this, okay? If it helps, I could tell him I heard it from a transient.
Morgan, Karen and I wanted to talk to you about Ah, you want me to plan your bachelorette party for you.
Too late! Already did it.
It's at the Ukrainian Community Center.
There has to be an orthodox priest present, but you can smoke inside.
No, uh, we want you to move out of the apartment.
We're getting a new place together? I promise, I will not stink this one up.
- I will wash - It's just that Karen thinks it would be weird if we still live together after we wife each other.
[clears throat.]
- Oh, and I agree.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry.
- You know I can't go back to my grandmother.
She put a Roma curse on me last time I left.
This is what happens when people get married.
They stop spending so much time with their friends.
Really? I like my friends.
Not as much as you're gonna like sitting in our apartment, talking about our relationship.
Oh, God.
You know what? No offense.
Screw you both.
Okay? - Morgan.
- I've never been so betrayed.
Oh, hey, Ben.
Hey, a transient told me you bought an engagement ring.
Damn it, Lindsay.
She told you? [sighs.]
Yes.
But it's not Lindsay's fault.
It's your fault, for teaching her the importance of honesty.
Okay, fine, yes.
I was going to propose.
Until you told me, in very clear terms, that you had no interest in marrying me.
How does someone who's wanted to get married her whole life tell her boyfriend she doesn't want to marry him? This is is one of those cases where you have to tell a little white lie.
Like when I tell my brother Rishi he has potential.
Hey, it's not you.
Okay? I don't believe in marriage.
I never have.
It's just one of those institutions that I don't support, like the FDA or libraries.
It doesn't mean that I love you any less or don't want to be with you.
Yeah.
Okay, I guess that makes me feel a little better.
You could have told me a little earlier.
Might not have let Kevin Smith lowball me on my super-rare "Green Lantern.
" But, hey, I'm glad I know.
Yes! He bought it.
People come down hard on lying, but man, does it get the job done.
[chuckles.]
Ah, here come the blushing brides.
If we weren't related and you two were into guys, I don't know if I could control myself.
- [both laughing.]
- Aw, thanks, Bro.
- You are so sweet.
- Karen, you're gonna like being a Kimball-Kinney.
With this whole spooky, ethereal vibe you got going on, you'll fit right in with the New Orleans vampire - side of the family.
- I'm so excited.
We're gonna spend the rest of our lives together, future brother! - Oh! - Oh, get over here.
I'm gonna grab us some drinks.
- Okay.
- Right over there.
Right there.
Oh, Colette, you must be so happy.
Knowing who you're gonna be lying next to for eternity? Your bodies entombed together in the Kimball mausoleum.
Your skulls entombed in the Kinney mausoleum, as per the treaty of 1893.
Yeah, ha! I am super excited.
But what if the family disapproves? I wouldn't worry about that.
I've already spoken to them.
In fact, your cousin came up from Georgia with a bushel of wedding peaches.
So everyone's on board? Even you.
'Cause it's cool if you're not.
I can just stay a wild and free poon magnet for the rest of my life.
On the contrary, I am thrilled.
In fact, I've already bought the tent on your registry at Dick's Sporting Goods.
- Mm, okay.
Whoo! Yes.
- Here we go.
Ding! - Eternity! [laughs.]
- Yeah! Ohh! [laughs.]
So, Ben, any chance of us attending another engagement party anytime soon? Uh, no.
Not at the moment.
'Cause I wouldn't be upset if I had to paint - another Japanese engagement fan.
- Oh.
Or you could propose at this party.
That'd create a commotion and I could grab - a couple of things.
- Well, if it were up to me, we'd be engaged already.
but, uh She thinks your kids will look weird? No, actually, I think our kids would look pretty cute.
- Oh, definitely, sure.
- Mm, maybe to some people.
- Ehh.
- The truth is, Mindy's just not the marriage type, you know? - Huh? - Why are you guys looking at each other like that? Because we think you're nuts.
Ben, Mindy's obsessed with marriage.
She's thanked in the credits to "27 Dresses.
" He wedding Pinterest shut down an entire server farm.
Vera Wang has a restraining order out on her.
- Do I need to continue? - No, no, I think I get it.
But why would she say she doesn't care about weddings? Because she lies like a kid raised in foster care.
And she hoards food like one too.
Did you not know this? About the food, yes.
But the this, no.
[clears throat.]
Excuse me.
My, my.
There's some juicy gossip afoot, my hens.
- Cluck, cluck.
- Eww.
- No? Okay.
- Ooh, now that's some gossip.
Dr.
Z just walked in with Mr.
Z.
Looks like she's changing her tune from "To the left, to the left" to "To the right, to the right.
" Yeah, wow.
Just keep looking over there, to the left, to the left.
To the right, to the right.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.
My future sister-in-law has a few words she'd like to say.
- Thank you.
- Take it away.
Little did I know, growing up, one of seven girls in a two-room cabin in No Name, Alaska, where it's daytime once a year and alcohol is the only cure for insanity, that I would find my love in the big city.
When I saw that corn-silk goddess, waving like mad at me from across the lacrosse pitch.
And then she yelled well, Colette tells it better.
No, I I don't.
I don't remember.
She yelled, "Get off the dang field.
You can't do your Hula-Hooping here.
" [laughter, awwing.]
And while words can't express how I feel, maybe music can.
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
I'm good.
You don't need to Little did I know, growing up, one of seven girls In a two-room cabin in No Name, Alaska Where it's daytime once a year And alcohol's the only cure for insanity That I would find my love in the big city That corn-silk goddess, well, she was Waving like mad at me Across the lacrosse pitch, she yelled Well, Colette tells it better, whoa Do you remember what she said? She yelled, do your Hula-Hooping here Do your Hula-Hooping here Get off the dang field You can't do your Hula-Hooping here Oh, no Oh, whoa - [cheers and applause.]
- Yes! [thud.]
Ohh! Ow! Ow! What's up? Has anyone seen Colette? She's not answering her walkie-talkie.
- I haven't seen her.
- No.
Popeye, this is Olive Oyl.
Over and out.
- Not good.
- Um, you know what? I'm sorry.
I see someone I fired once.
I'm gonna go make them uncomfortable.
Okay.
No, Jeremy, I don't want to join your book club.
Miss Marple mysteries are too easy.
Okay, very good.
How could you bring Tim to this party after everything he's put you through? I didn't plan on it.
I only went over there to get my food dehydrator, and then we stumbled into a classic Tim-Anna fun day.
He screamed on a conference call and I checked our tap water's PH.
- Felt so nice.
- He cheated on you.
I know.
But he promises he's changed.
Oh.
He just listed the sex apartment he shared with Eliot Spitzer.
Listen to yourself.
I don't know how to be alone.
Without my regular routine, I'm going a little bit crazy.
I'm beginning to worry I might not turn back during one of my ocean swims.
Anna, calm down.
Take a deep breath.
Okay, but I can hold my breath for seven minutes.
See? This is my point.
You are remarkable in every way.
And you shouldn't be with somebody who doesn't appreciate that.
And by the way, you're not alone, okay? You've got me as a friend.
And in future, if I don't see you in the morning, I'll know to call the Coast Guard.
Thank you, Jeremy.
- Wow.
- Hey, there you are.
Hey, you have to check out Jody's hunting trophies.
There's a deer, a lion.
Golden Retriever, ehh.
- Yeah, he loves his taxidermy.
- Yeah.
So you don't care about weddings, huh? Yep.
That's me.
Yeah, that's interesting because I found this blog that you kept, called "Bridal Wave.
" Oh, and this wedding cake review podcast, "Oh No You Fondant!" I gained ten pounds after two episodes - and my doctor made me stop.
- So I guess you don't have a problem with getting married, you just have a problem - with getting married to me.
- No, Ben, look.
I have an explanation.
I don't need you to explain, Mindy.
I just need you to be honest with me.
I don't want to fight.
I'm gonna go, though.
Anybody seen Colette? Colette! Are you kidding me? Hey, man.
What gives? Anna just said that she doesn't wanna reconcile.
Did she? Gosh, I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
She was all cool until she started talking to you.
I don't know what you said, but do you even have the Bro Code in England? Yeah, we have the original Bro Code.
The Magna Carta.
And also, all I told her was that she's strong enough to be alone.
Well, are you strong enough not to have your ass handed to you? [scoffs.]
I think Joseph Pilates would agree that I was.
[grunts.]
Ahh! [door opening.]
Hey, you're back early.
How was the party? Did you and Jeremy wear the same outfit again? No.
Thank God.
Hey, can I ask you a serious question? Sure, but if it gets too awkward, I'll have to look at my phone.
Absolutely, I completely understand.
Would it be a big difference for you if I was your step-mom, versus just your dad's girlfriend? Are you kidding? Of course it would.
But why? It wouldn't make us care about each other any more.
And if anything, if I was your step-mom, I'd be way more inclined to do, like, I don't know, make you do chores while Leo attends the Prince's Ball.
But Leo would be my step-brother and we could talk about how crazy our parents are.
Um, I and more than anything, if you were my step-mom, it would be proof that you weren't going anywhere.
Okay.
Come here.
Also, it's so weird that you're a girlfriend - when you're so old.
- Okay.
No tip, now.
I'm extremely young.
- Go make us ice cream sundaes.
- I'm on it.
Morgan, thank God.
There you are.
- The first place I looked.
- What's up, Colette? You gonna kick me out of here too? Yeah, but just because you can't sleep in phlebotomy.
It's full of blood, urine and a skeleton.
So what? So am I.
That's a good point.
I really missed you at that party.
No one wanted to have a shrimp eating contest with me, so I had to compete against my personal best.
Did you bring me home the tails? I'm sorry, I just I got cold feet and snuck out.
I love Karen, but I'm not ready to get married.
Oh, my God.
It's real easy for me to hook up, but hard for me to establish a real emotional connection.
I know, I sleep above you.
But then I had one with Karen, and I was like, man, I need to lock her down.
Spring was in the air, the Gay Men's Chorus owed me a favor, but then that wore off, and I was like, is this the last woman I will ever camp with? I'm sorry, but if you're not gonna get married, can I please move back in? Okay, I can't go back to the hostel in Times Square.
These Dutch girls, they're so mean to me.
You can move back in on one condition.
I will never again warm my underpants in the microwave.
- Ever.
- No, no, no.
No, I need you to break up with Karen for me.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm terrible at giving bad news.
[sighs.]
If you wanna move back home, you gotta help me out here.
All right, fine, I'll do it.
Oh, you're the best! Ahh! - I love you.
- I love you! - I love you.
- Ohh.
Oh, I gotta get out of here.
announcer: This train is being held in the station for connection with a downtown express.
Please be patient, ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me, sir.
Have you heard the good news? I'm sorry, I'm Jewish, I Hey.
What are you doing here? Okay, look, Ben.
Yes, my whole life, I have been obsessed with marriage.
And it kept not happening so I thought, wait, is something wrong with me? And then through work and having Leo and meeting you, I realized no, there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm the most perfect person in the whole world.
Yeah, that seems like a really unhealthy way - to think about yourself.
- And then, recently, I met someone who reminded me that marriage isn't just about making a couple.
It's about making a family.
Hi, Dad.
Hey.
What Leo, you're dressed up.
Wow.
I don't need to get married anymore.
I want to get married.
To you.
And I know this is really crazy and impulsive, but hey dude, that's kinda what you signed up for.
So Ben, with this super-rare, unbelievably expensive comic book, I wanted to know, will you marry me? Come.
- Mm.
[laughs.]
- Ahh.
[laughs.]
Oh, I love you.
- Aw, I love you guys.
- I love you guys too.
Found the truth beneath your lies And true love never has to hide all: True love never has to hide I'll trade your broken wings for mine all: Trade your broken wings for mine I've seen your scars and kissed your crime all: Seen your scars and kissed your crime So many people that I know, they're just tryna touch ya Kiss up and rub up and feel up Kiss up and rub up and feel up on you Give you some time to prove that I can trust you again I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up Kiss up and rub up and feel up on you All night long Love All night long Sweet love, all night long Sweet love All night long All I wanna, ain't no other We together, I remember Sweet love All night long Our love was stronger than your pride