The Office (US) s05e14 Episode Script

This morning, the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that our phones have a P.
A.
function.
And then he just left.
This is your captain speaking.
The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories.
Look out your left-hand window, and you will see Vance Refrigeration.
I am the ghost of salesmen past.
Do not come near me! Yes, Michael Scott for Dr.
Jocelyn, please.
Hello, Doctor.
I was just following up about my mole again.
No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts.
I have not been squeezing it.
Could I stick it with a pin? Toby Flenderson to the principal's office.
Your mother called.
And it appears that you wet the bed again.
So you have to get home to wash your sheets because they're yellow and they're wet with your urine.
You And at 6'6" from the University of North Carolina, Jim Halpert! That's pretty funny.
You know what? Did I drop my - What? - What the heck - Is that - You find it? I didn't.
I'll look somewhere else.
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Proofreading: So.
& Valpi Episode 5x14 "Lecture Circuit (Part 1)" - Good morning.
- Morning.
You ready? And we're off! Like a herd of turtles.
Pam and I have eloped.
Actually, we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam.
Seriously, I am on a lecture circuit.
Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch.
So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches except Nashua, so a little bit raw there But I am going to these branches and I am telling them my secret recipe for success.
My 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter.
That.
Well, that is Pam.
Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus.
And I like to pack heavy.
He brought a sled.
That is a toboggan.
You never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill.
Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
I love being on the road.
but I especially love the time-and-a-half pay, 'Cause I have a mortgage now.
Gotta bring home the bucks.
Don't say "bucks.
" That's not ladylike.
Here we go! So, what we do is we drive all day - and stay in hotels together at night.
- Separate rooms.
- That goes without saying.
- I'm gonna say it anyway.
Look at what you're wearing again.
Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? - This is a new cardigan.
- Kind of Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Screw you.
Excuse me.
That is no way to address a superior.
Screw you, too.
- What was that all about? - You forgot her birthday.
It was yesterday.
Go ahead.
You do it.
I insist.
After Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them both to step down from the party committee 'cause there was too much drama.
- What he said was - Easy.
There was a problem with having one head of the party committee.
She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
- Party-planning is - I am a salesman.
- the stupidest thing I've ever done.
- This is humiliating.
That's on my side.
So this is fun.
My birthday was yesterday and everybody forgot.
I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word.
There wasn't even a party.
I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Can I turn on the radio? I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Then listen to your iPod.
- That's dangerous.
- Well, then You know what? Let's just talk.
That's OK.
I can I'm fine.
I'll just play a song in my head.
You're nervous about seeing Karen again? Since she was the other woman? Actually, you were the other woman, so.
That was a long time ago.
Is that why you're wearing makeup today? I'm not even wearing that much.
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me.
I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me.
I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me.
But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so.
This is a nice office.
You don't have to lie.
Through here.
- Who's that? - She's out of your league.
For your information, I've been with lots of beautiful women.
Sexually? This conversation is over.
I am single now.
What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression.
I intend to win.
We wanted to say we are very sorry.
- Screw you.
You're dead to me.
- If you say "screw you" one more Screw you.
I don't forget your birthday.
- I would never do that.
- Guys, guys.
We want to make it up.
What can we do? I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
It's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.
What kind of cake do you want, imbecile? Ice cream.
Point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Hello, Rolando.
How are you? I'd like you to meet Pam.
She is our receptionist.
You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
You're late.
Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Karen will be right here to take you over.
Don't be nervous.
- Just picture her naked.
- Stop it.
- That's what I do.
Steal my trick.
- Please, cut it out.
Hi, guys.
- Is that Jim's? - What? Of course not.
My head just exploded.
Thank god.
For everybody, right? You're huge! That's incredible! God.
Sorry.
Sorry, my head is I'm just I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex.
Let's just get this over with, shall we? Ten.
Ten months? Are you kidding? I'm not done yet.
This fits in the palm of my hand.
You haven't blown 'em up enough.
Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? They match the carpet.
What is that? "It is your birthday", period.
It's a statement of fact.
- Not even an exclamation point? - This is more professional.
It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
I can't believe how bad this looks.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding.
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
- Good then.
- Have you collected the money? - I am working on it.
- How much do you have? $6.
That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it! I said I was working on it.
Trying to see what CDs she's got.
It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing.
Feist.
That is so awful.
That is the worst news.
I have to go.
I have to do a presentation.
I'll talk to you This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I just learned that my father has died.
He didn't! He is alive.
And this isn't even a cell phone.
This is a calculator.
But you bought it! And now you can't return it.
Or can you? No, you can't.
Do you need to go pump? Not gonna have to do that till after I have the baby.
I am wondering, what are you talking about? I am talking about how you all need to sell an experience.
Like I sold you one The idea that my father had died.
But now we think you're a liar.
Would a liar bring mini mounds bars? I am a theatrical person.
Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor because I have these memorization tricks that I use.
For instance, I learned the pledge of allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the republic for which it stands One nation under God With a woof-woof here And a woof-woof there Here a woof, there a woof, Everywhere a woof, woof You get it.
I don't know you.
But I need to know you in order to sell to you.
That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me your names.
I have an amazing pneumonic device by which I have now memorized all of your names.
Shirty.
Mole.
Lazy eye.
Mexico.
Baldy.
Sugar boobs.
Black woman.
I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name.
Baldy.
Your head is bald.
It is hairless.
It is shiny.
It is reflective.
Like a mirror.
"M.
" Your name is Mark.
Got it.
It works.
It's very insulting.
But it works.
I would like you to give this a shot.
What do you say? But we already know each other's names.
Then it will be easier for you.
But I still think it's worthwhile to give it a try.
All right, everyone.
Meeting's over.
I still have more.
Can I please see you in my office, please? She is pregnant.
She is knocked up.
"K.
" Karen.
Pam, let's go.
I can't accept these prices.
They just cut our budget.
Brought you guys some coffees.
Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes so I put Splenda in yours.
How many did I put in there? One, two, three, four Splendas in your coffee, Stanley None in yours, Julia 'cause I don't know how you take it But if you'd rather Four Splenda.
Are you crazy? I actually only put in two but that's not how the song goes.
- Are you out of your damn mind? - Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office and you don't even set me up with her.
We're not friends.
I didn't think about it.
We are friends.
We're friends.
And you let me down.
You really like her, huh? I really like her with all my heart.
Give me two clients for her.
I grab this, and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself "for the Utica chain store massacre!" That is incredibly dangerous.
- Don't worry.
The chain is off.
- No, it's not.
I think I'm just gonna distill all of this and send it in an email to my team.
Email's not scary.
This is an opportunity.
- Don't blow it.
- So, when are you due? In about a month.
That is wonderful.
Congratulations.
It just all happened so fast.
It's really amazing.
Congratulations.
So, is there a guy or a person or a sperm machine that did this to you or? My husband impregnated me.
His name is Dan.
- This is us.
So dorky.
- He's cute.
He's a dermatologist.
We met at a bar.
Can you believe that? - What is happening there? - Yeah.
Don't even.
That's really dorky.
- It's really sweet.
- No, it's really dorky.
You were right the first time.
So how are things in Scranton? - How's Jim? - They're good.
Jim's good.
We're engaged.
That's so great.
That's great.
I'm so happy for you.
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships.
It's a really wonderful moment.
I have to take care of things, so Andy will be taking over things here.
You're in good hands and give my best to your mother.
Let's see.
With regards to billing, should we send bills to you or to your boyfriend's house? No, it could go straight to our business address.
That makes sense.
How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you or Actually, I don't have a boyfriend.
Really? Is that That's so weird.
Stop everything.
I'm about to ask out this girl and I'm completely panicking.
My desk is over This gal She's really into you? I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today, and we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room she totally looks up.
Say no more.
This is how I got Squeaky Fromme.
No small talk.
Just show her who's the boss.
Just go right in and kiss her.
It sounds risky.
Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim? Wait, what? I would give that lecture a solid B+.
Although, for the record, Karen - Kind of mean.
- I like her.
Really? No, honestly.
Tell me what you really think.
I'm serious.
- I'm really glad I came.
- Why? Because 'Cause I'll never wonder ever again if I did something wrong and now I have closure.
She's happy and I don't know, it feels good.
- Thanks for walking me out.
- My pleasure.
There's all kinds of weirdoes out here, so.
- You must be freezing.
- I am about to die.
Will you wait here while I go get my jacket? No, it's OK.
this is my car.
Listen.
You're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of.
And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
What's a "Nard-Dog"? This is the Nard-Dog.
What the hell? I'm sorry.
I thought we had this energy and I'm a mess, and I just had my heart broken, and you came in today and you're so pretty.
- You're incredibly pretty.
- I just got out of a relationship, too.
- It's really hard.
- Right! Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall or something, - just walk around? - I don't think so.
That's You're right.
It's too soon.
Definitely too soon for me.
So, I'm glad we got that out of the way.
I'm gonna be in touch with you in three months.
I'm gonna call you about that order and maybe about that mall walk.
Take care, Julia.
Sorry I tried to kiss you.
We lost the account.
Damn it.
- How old's Kelly? - Who is this? It's Mose.
Who do you think it is? Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.
They only have numbered candles.
How old is she? Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation? I'll call you back.
I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidential file.
Allow me to share.
"Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 "at Berks County Youth Center.
" Juvie.
"According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perform" Are you asleep? I'm just thinking about what you said.
About Karen, about closure.
You remember Holly? She used to work for H.
R.
Remind me.
Blonde hair.
Nice boobs.
Not too big, not too small.
Perfect boobs.
Of course I remember Holly.
She was the love of my life.
What you and Jim have times 100.
Just she She just left.
And I didn't I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her.
I haven't talked to her since.
I haven't seen her since.
And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
I feel like I need that.
Let's go.
I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Screw 'em.
Let's do this.
I'm collecting $3 from everybody for Kelly's party.
- I'd like to contribute.
- Great.
There you go.