Buffy the Vampire Slayer s05e15 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - What kind of demon am lfighting? - Glory isn't a demon.
She's a god.
Tell me where the Key is.
We had to hide the Key.
Made it human.
- Sent it to you.
- Dawn.
I know you got a lot on your mind.
You wanna let me in on any of it, let me know.
Buffy's like nobody else in the world.
But she doesn't love me.
- They want me back.
- Are you going? - I don't know.
If we can't workthis out - This is goodbye? Riley! There's something you need to know about Dawn.
Why does everybody act all weird when I'm around? "They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it, so they sent the Key to her in the form of a sister.
" - Is this blood? - What did you do? I'm not a key.
- I'm not real.
- You're the Key.
Go.
Before she finds you.
She's here! I love you.
The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
I wantyou out.
I wantyou out of this town, I wantyou off this planet.
You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again, ever.
Understand? Spike! Spike wants me.
How obscene is that? Well, it is very strange.
I can't imagine what he's thinking.
Not thatyou're not attractive I feel gross, you know, like, dirty.
That's ridiculous.
You can't be responsible for what Spike feels.
Aren't I responsible? Something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say "Woof! That's the one for me!" - I think you should perhaps calm down.
- Me too.
Puffy Xander, I'm sorry.
I guess I got carried away.
Are you OK? I'm alive.
I can tell cos of the pain.
- Do you wanna sit down? - I'm not that bendy.
I could lean.
I'll get some ice.
Here.
- Comfy? - Yeah.
This leaning, this is the stuff.
That's my secret to attracting men.
It's simple really.
Slap 'em around, torture 'em, make their lives hell - Buff - Sure, the nice guys run away, but every now and then you meet a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.
Buffy.
Stand me up.
The problem is notyou.
Don't do this to yourself, please.
I just wanna know that there's gonna be another good one.
One that I won't chase away.
There will be.
Promise.
He's out there.
He can come along any minute.
And the minute after that I can terrify him with my strength and self-involvement.
What? I don't think you're like that.
Maybe I could change.
You know, I could work harder.
I could spend less time slaying, and laugh at his jokes.
Men like that, the joke-laughing-at.
Or maybe you can just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and fall in love with you.
Xander, that's This is the day you choose to hug me? Buffy? You ever think you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth because it's a Hellmouth? Seems to me it's a pretty terrible place to try to build anything.
Thank you for picking me up.
I'm grateful for the ride.
You sure you wanna get out here? I mean, this place is kinda What are you looking for in Sunnydale, anyway? True love.
I might like it more than the others.
Can you spin around again? I'm not sure.
Once more.
Now could you go the other way? You're messing with me.
- We were seeing how many times you'd do it.
- Was it five, or four and a half? - So is anyone gonna talk about my dress? - I like it.
You sure? I mean, it's not too mom-ish? - That was why I liked it.
- You're both crazy.
It's not mom-ish at all.
It's sexy.
It screams "Randy sex kitten.
Buy me one drink and I'll" Wait, that's not good either.
Oh, God.
What time is it? Vast acres of time, in which you could plant crops.
Tell me about Brian and his intentions.
- Maybe he's a gigolo.
Was his shirt all shiny? - No.
He works for a publishing house.
He's a nice, normal guy, OK? - I think I've heard of those.
- He came to the gallery, my first day back, when I was, you know, kinda shaky, starting over.
And he asked a question about these antique cameos, and I was so lost, because Carol had been doing the ordering while I was sick.
It turned out he didn't know anything about them either, so we had a lot to talk about.
- So what's the plan for tonight? - Dinner and then a movie.
Or maybe it was a movie and then dinner.
Which might be better, because, you know, then we could talk about the movie.
Or maybe a movie isn't a good idea at all, because you can't talk during, and then, you know, what's the point of any of it? And about the restaurant.
Do you think it should be one with candles and romantic music, or is that pushing it? What do you think? Should I try to make things romantic, or let him set the pace? No.
Love Doctor Buffy is not in.
I'm not qualified to give dating advice.
I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left.
Really left.
"Left town" left.
Honey, you just had some bad luck.
You're going to that party.
Maybe you'll find someone there.
Or maybe Brian has a son, and Mom and I can go on unspeakably awkward double dates.
Oh, God Brian.
What time is it now? - You sure the dress is OK? - Spin again.
Real fast this time.
Willow's good with computers, but me not so much.
Do you really understand all that? At first it was confusing.
Just the idea of computers was, like, "Whoa, I'm 1100 years old.
" I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.
I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad.
It's depressing.
Butyou have to try online trading, it's great.
The secret is avoiding the tech companies everyone was jumping on, and going with the smaller firms that supply the basic components.
Anyway, I tookthe money from working for Giles, and I tripled it.
Tripled? Like, first money, then money money money? Yes.
I'm thinking about buying something very expensive.
Maybe an antelope.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Do you know where Warren is? - And if you do, could you tell me? - I don't think we know a Warren.
Well, all righty.
No harm in asking.
Thanks.
- Hi, do you know Warren? I need to find him.
- Sorry.
You can do all this stuff with a regular computer? I'll show you.
You can also see the website I designed for the shop.
Huge photo of me.
- How ya doin'? Havin' o' the fun? - You know, I am.
Dancing with you is better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy.
I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin.
I let them do that.
Dance together.
That was me.
- Very nice of you.
- A good deed.
Yes.
I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now.
Thank you.
Buffy.
Ben.
Hey.
I didn't even know you were here.
And again with the nonmedical clothing.
Actually, these are orthopaedic pants.
Man, that sounded so funny in my head.
It's very, very funny.
It's funny in my head, too.
- Havin' a good time? - Yeah, I am.
I was dancing earlier, and my friends are here, so But not that it's all about me.
- Are you enjoying yourself? - I am now.
So, do you maybe wanna dance? I'm not really good at rhythm.
Sure.
I'd love to.
- Let me just dump this.
I'll be right back.
- OK.
Look at these tiny grain patties.
They're woven.
That's craftsmanship.
They aren't handwoven, you know.
- Then how? - Well, it's a machine, and it sorta it presses.
And there may be a mould of some sort Who's that? Warren? That girl.
Tara and I met her.
She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words too precisely.
Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.
Warren? - Did you get me a drink? - Gotta go, she'll see me.
- She who? What's up, Warren? - It doesn't matter.
Come on.
- Is Warren here? - Thoughtyou were gettin' the crunchies.
Xander got hypnotised by the strange girl.
I am remaining calm, however.
No, I'm right with you.
You don't know whatyou're talking about.
Here she comes.
- I heard Warren was here.
Is Warren here? - Warren who? He's Warren.
And he's looking for me.
He lost me.
- Is Warren here? - It's that girl again.
Is she still looking for Warren? Weird, it's been, like, all day.
There's something strange about her.
She talks funny.
Some men find that appealing.
- Have you guys seen Warren? - Let's hope she finds him.
I don't think a girl that looks like that'll be lonely for long.
Definitely not.
Not me.
I was just saying, a pretty girl like that, there's always someone lurkin' around, lookin' for some action.
Small world.
Oh, dear.
If looks could stake.
You havin' fun, pet? Trollin' for your next ex? I gotta say, you could do better.
- I told you, I wa - Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country.
Free party.
If you want me to leave, you can putyour hands on my hot, tight body and make me.
Get away from me.
Was that guy botherin' you? Should I offer to get inappropriately violent or somethin'? - No.
- Good, cos, honestly, I don't wanna.
So, are you ready to dance? - First - What's that? Oh, yeah, my phone number.
I was gonna try to subtly work it into the conversation, but it didn't pan out, and I thought I should try to give it to you before you see me dance.
You know, in case you wanna get coffee.
Thank you.
I just I think you should know that I kinda have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee, and it all ends with you leaving town, and you just got here and everything Apparently we'd be riskin' a tragic chain reaction, but I just really like coffee.
I think coffee might be worth it.
And I would like to get to know coffee better.
Then I'll call you.
- Have you seen Warren? - No, sorry.
And who are you, darlin'? I'm April.
- I'm looking for my fella.
- Maybe you just found him.
Really? Where? That would be wrong! You are not my boyfriend! Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! - What's that about? - You cannot say that to me.
I have a boyfriend.
Warren is my boyfriend.
You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren.
No one but Warren can touch me.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Maybe you and I could talk, you know, cos throwing Spike through a window, that's really good.
- But, you know, generally speaking - Do you know my boyfriend? OK, I think you need to take a second and stop looking for your boyfriend.
I have to find him.
If I hurtyou just now, I am sorry.
And I hope thatyour boyfriend will take good care of you.
I dunno aboutyou, but I've had it with superstrong women who aren't me.
- At least she didn't do too much damage.
- Double-glazed glass ain't cheap.
And the jamb needs to be completely repaired.
Dear God, I'm the grown-up who sees the world through my job.
I'm like my uncle Dave, the plumber, and I must be shunned.
- OK.
- So, what do you guys think she is? This may sound nuts, but I kinda got the impression she was a - Robot.
- Yeah, robot.
I was gonna say robot.
What do you think she wants? - Warren, whoever that is.
- It must be the guy that built her.
It's an unusual name.
There's hardly any, except Warren Beatty and President Harding.
It's probably not either of them.
Can you track down this guy with only a first name? Given enough time.
I can get a list of the Sunnydale students named Warren tonight, but then we'll have to call them or go to their dorms, so we probably can't start narrowing it down till tomorrow.
She could do a lot of damage by then.
To who, Spike? See how vigorously I don't care.
It didn't sound like she wanted to hurt Warren.
She said he's her boyfriend.
I agree.
I'm not sure this is a code red.
Is there a code pink? We need more codes.
OK.
We'll track down Warren tomorrow.
I'd better rescue Giles.
He's been watching Dawn while my mom's out on her date, and I thinkthere's only so much he can take.
Giles and Dawnie? I bet they ended up having a blast.
Dear God, there's only so much I can take.
We'll have to change the system.
A 14-year-old's too old to be baby-sat, and it's not fair on her.
- What'd she make you do? - We listened to aggressively cheerful music by people chosen for their ability to dance, we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade No, wait.
- I won't give that memory up for anything.
- Robot? Sounds interesting.
We're gonna work on it tomorrow.
Unless you wanna stay and Who wants to hear everything? listen to my mom talk about boys.
- Must go.
See you tomorrow.
Bye, Joyce.
- Bye, Rupert.
Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
I don't know.
I was right here.
I didn't see Prince Charming.
I didn't even see a good-night kiss.
It looked pretty tame to me.
I suppose by your standards it could seem pretty - Oh, dear.
- What? I left my bra in his car.
- Mother! - I'm joking.
- Good God, that's horrible.
Don't do that.
- I left it in the restaurant.
No more.
No more.
No more! - On the dessert cart.
- I can't hear you.
Yeah? What? Hi.
Does Warren live here? What the hell? What are you doin'? It's 3.
30! Yes, it is.
Does Warren live here? OK, then.
Bye.
- You're certain she was a robot? - Absolutely.
She practically had "Genuine Moulded Plastic" stamped on her ass.
Just tryin' a little spicy talk.
She was looking for someone named Warren.
- Will checked the Sunnydale enrolment.
- And got nothin'.
I found one Warren, but he left the country a year ago.
I'm checking nearby schools.
Whoever he is, he knows his stuff.
That girl, well That was a nice-lookin' girl.
It's OK for him to say that, cos I knowthat he really loves me only.
- Is there something we can be doing? - What can we do? - Do you have any books on robots? - Yes, dozens.
There's a lot of research we should do No, I'm lying.
I haven't got squat.
I just like to see Xander squirm.
Funny.
Charming and funny.
I think I found him.
A Warren Meers.
He went to Sunnydale High with us for a semester, then he went to the tech college in Dutton.
I've got a local address where his folks live.
- He's probably home for spring break.
- I'll go talkto him.
No, wait.
We don't know whatyou're walking into.
We have no idea what his motive is for building this thing.
Don'tyou think she's just? Yeah, she's just sort of a She's a sexbot.
I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything Too many girls.
I miss Oz.
He'd get it.
He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it.
Why would anyone do that if they could have a real person? Maybe he couldn't - find a real person.
Come on.
The guy's just a big sleaze.
Don't make excuses for him.
I'm not.
I'm just saying people get lonely, and maybe having someone around, even someone you made up, maybe it's easier.
But it's so weird.
I mean, everyone wants a nice, normal person to share with.
But this guy, if he couldn't find that, I guess it's kinda sad.
- Hello? - Hey.
Ben, it's Buffy.
Is this a bad time? I know it's kinda early.
No, I just got in, is all.
Night shift at the hospital.
I'm glad you called.
I found your number and figured I'd pick up the phone a couple of times, then hang up, and then finally call, and see if you wanted to get that coffee, or Yeah.
Yes.
Coffee would be great.
Tomorrow night.
Sure.
Bye.
Fine.
We just got here.
Why didn't we just stay in Dutton? Or we could've gone to my sister's.
I don't wanna hear aboutyour sister's again.
Pack your stuff.
Why the rush? It's real early.
Are we even gonna say goodbye to your mom? - You can call her.
- Is there something you're hiding from me? Katrina, if you don't wanna pack, that's fine.
We can buy new stuff.
Now let's just go.
I have to talkto you.
- Who's this? - Is this about her? - Yes.
- Her who? Something's going on here.
- Strange girls - Please, be quiet.
OK? This is important.
- Wait in the kitchen.
- And I'm not important? - Warren, just tell her to go away.
- I can't.
You're keeping secrets.
Other girls, who knows what else.
Trina, shut up.
That's it.
Forget it, Warren.
I'm gone.
No.
Katrina! We were at Sunnydale High together.
Do you know who I am? Yes, I know.
April, did she hurt someone? Notyet.
Well, no one that matters.
She's looking for me.
She followed me here.
- OK.
Kinda figured that out.
- No, there's more.
- There's something you need to know.
- I know.
- No, wait.
This is important.
- Believe me, I worked it out.
No, this is something thatyou can't possibly know.
She's a robot.
A robot? Was it Ted? Cos I always said there could've been more than one of him.
Nope, whole new robot.
This one was a girl.
Buffy's trackin' down the guy that made her, so I'll drop you off, and then Comin' through! Comin' through.
Fire! Fire! Hello, all.
What's goin' on, then? Spike, you're not welcome here.
Yeah, and we're working on a way to de-invite you from here.
Even if it is a public place.
Nah, forget it.
Letting him in is good, cos then we get to toss him out.
Can we throw him out the window like the robot did? Cos that was neat.
Robot? That's what she was? I knew somethin' wasn't right.
Hey.
Someone's glad to see me.
Aren'tyou, little bit? Stay away from me.
- I think you'd better go.
- OK.
Now, I was afraid of this.
Misrepresentations, misunderstandings, slurs and allegations.
I don't know what Buffy told you, but the thing is, the Slayer and I worked together to get rid of Dru, who was up to no good, and I don't - Spike.
Listen to me.
- It's just, I'm trying to explain.
She might have said some things that sounded like I expressed some kind of We are notyour friends.
We are notyour way to Buffy.
There is no way to Buffy.
Clear out of here.
And, Spike, this thing.
Get over it.
- I don't know whatyou mean.
- Yes, you do.
Move the hell on.
- I'm looking for my boyfriend Warren.
- What? He comes from here and I need him.
But it's confusing, and I've already walked a really long way.
I'm sure he's nearby.
Warren.
You're lookin' for Warren? Yes.
Do you know him? Do you know where he is? - Man, let me think - Please think.
Jeez! This is too bad - you just missed him.
Yes? Where did he go? Warren? He headed out.
That way.
Hurry, you might catch him.
Thank you.
I was getting very tired.
Thank you.
- Who's Warren? - Hell if I know.
So you have girl troubles.
You're not gettin' dates.
You start thinking "This isn't fair.
" I felt like I deserved to have someone.
Everyone deserves to have someone.
- So, naturally, you turned to manufacturing.
- Kinda.
- How long did it take to build your little toy? - No, she's not a toy.
I know whatyou think, but she's more than that.
I'm sure she has many labour-saving attachments.
No, I made her to love me.
I mean, she cares about what I care about, and she wants to be with me.
She listens to me and supports me.
I didn't make a toy.
I made a girlfriend.
A girlfriend.
Are you saying? Are you in love with her? I really thought I would be.
I mean, she's perfect.
I don't know, I guess it was too easy, and predictable.
She got boring.
She was exactly what I wanted, and I didn't want her.
- I thought I was going crazy.
- Really? You? Then something happened.
Katrina was in my engineering seminar, and she was really funny and cool.
She was always giving me a hard time - real unpredictable.
She builds these little model monorails that run with magnets, and Anyway, I fell in love with Katrina.
Swell.
Romance and magnetic trains.
But firstyou decided to play with April for five minutes, and then what? You got bored, decided to dump her, tell her to go away? - Kinda.
- And she got mad.
She didn't go, huh? OK.
I didn't really dump her, as much as I went out and didn't come back.
- I left her.
I left her in my dorm room.
- You left her in your dorm room? I figured I'd just get away until her batteries gave up, which should've been days ago.
Did you even tell her? Did you even give her a chance to fix what was wrong? I didn't need to.
Her batteries were supposed to run down.
They should be dead by now.
- So why aren't they? - I don't know.
I mean, maybe she must be recharging them somehow.
Warren, this is important.
Is she dangerous? She's only programmed to be in love.
Then she's dangerous.
Do you have any idea howto find her? She's looking for me.
My guess is she's pretty close.
Hi.
Do you know where Warren is? I need to get to Warren.
This is getting insane.
How many of you are there? There's only me.
April.
April.
Fine.
Listen up, April.
Warren is my boyfriend.
Mine.
And you others probably ought to figure that out.
- Let go.
- Don't go.
- You have to stay and tell the truth.
- What? Stop! You're lying.
He cannot be your boyfriend.
Say that he's my boyfriend.
I can't breathe.
Let go! You have to stop lying.
All right, I'll move on.
April! April, are you there? - If she hears my voice, then she'll answer.
- She's voice-activated? I made it so that if she heard me and didn't answer, it causes feedback.
If you call her and she doesn't answer, it hurts her? You're one creepy little dweeb.
April! Warren! - April.
- Where have you been? I couldn't find you, and this girl kept lying to me, and then she went to sleep.
April, what did you do? Please don't be angry, Warren.
I'm trying very hard to make you happy.
April, I wantyou to put the girl down.
Warren? What should I do? - Talkto her.
- Put her down.
This is Buffy.
Give Katrina to Buffy.
Is she broken? - She's alive.
- Thank God.
Warren, honey, what's going on? Why did you go away? Is it a game? - No.
No, this isn't a game.
- Did I do something wrong? I waited a long time and you never came back.
A long time.
- I made you five sweaters.
- Great.
Go and get them.
- You could wait there, and - Warren.
You have to tell her.
And do it right.
What is she saying, Warren? What do you need to tell me? April, I made a mistake.
- You can't make mistakes.
- No, I did.
I thought that I made you everything that I wanted, but it wasn't what I really wanted.
I'm sorry, but it's over.
But I can be whatever you want.
I love you.
I'll do whatever you want.
Like a neck rub? No.
No.
See, I knowthatyou love me, but the truth is, I can't love you.
It's notyour fault, but I don't love you.
I love her.
She growls? You made her so she growls? Well - What's going on? - No, no, Trina Get away.
What is? That's a robot.
- She wasn't just for sex.
- Is thatyour ex-girlfriend? - No, get the hell away from me! - No, no.
Trina, no.
Trina, wait You took my man.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to I can't crush! So tired.
Warren? Where are you? What's happening to me? Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry.
But there might be rust issues.
Crying is blackmail.
Good girlfriends don't cry.
I've rechecked everything.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
I was a good girlfriend.
I'm sure you were.
I'm only supposed to love him.
If I can't do that, what am I for? What do I exist for? I don't know.
It isn't fair.
He wasn't fair to you.
It's getting dark.
It's so early to be dark.
Yeah.
What if he comes back and he can't find me in the dark? I'm here.
I'll make sure that he finds you.
Maybe this is a girlfriend test.
If I wait here patiently this time, he'll come back.
I'm sure he will.
And he'll tell you how sorry he is.
You know, he told me how proud he was of you and how impressed he was with how much you loved him and how you tried to help him.
He didn't mean to hurtyou.
He's going to take me home, and things will be right again.
They'll be fine.
When things are sad, you just have to be patient.
Because because every cloud has a silver lining.
And when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Clouds and lemonade, huh? Yes.
And and things are always darkest before You construct the wood jamb and frame the glass into it, - and that's whatyou set into the opening.
- Yeah? One of the cool things about that is the jamb can be shimmed to be square, even if the opening isn't.
Shimmed? Is that even a real word? Do you have any idea whatyou're talking about? Yeah, I do.
Scary, isn't it? I've turned into someone you want around after a crazed robot attack.
And if you ever startyour own business, you have your slogan right there.
And she wasn't crazed.
Yeah? She devoted everything to making this one person happy.
And then it was, like, with him gone, there was just no reason for her to exist any more.
Robots are the strangest people.
No.
People are the strangest people.
I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone.
It's like I don't need a guy right now.
I need me.
I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.
Thank you.
Hi, it's Buffy.
I hope this is your machine.
There wasn't a message.
Anyway, about coffee.
I I just I don't thinkthis is the best time for me to be drinking coffee.
I'm sorry.
And bye.
- What the hell? - If I may, Your Inconceivableness.
It sounds to these humble ears like our Ben tried to make a date with the Slayer.
A date with the Slayer? No.
No.
No, no, no.
He is planning something, he's working against me.
She turned us down? Trina? No, wait.
Listen.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
I guess I am s No, no, just give me a chance to explain.
I Yes.
No, but she No, no, listen, I'll do anything.
No, don't hang up! - How did you get in here? - Your mum let me in.
- I'm placing an order.
- I'm not making any more girls.
Sure you are.
And here's your specs.
You're gonna make her real good for me.
Hey, Mom! Still a couple of guys gettin' it right.
Hey! Flower-gettin' lady! Want me to pick Dawn up from school? Mom? What are you doin'? Mom? Mom? Mommy?