Futurama s05e15 Episode Script

Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV Oh, my.
- Here we go, y'all! - Zoidberg, Zoidberg.
Zoidberg.
This is a story about all my friends.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Previously on AII My Circuits: I'm sorry, Father.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son.
- Why, Antonio? - Because I have amnesia! - Calculon! But I thought you were- - Egyptian? Before I kill you, I must ask you one question: Who am I? For I have Amnesia! Let me get this straight.
Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Not sure.
- I don't know.
This show is awesome! When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia.
Me too! I mean, I have it now.
But I forgot.
- Well, mine's louder! - Cram a ham in it, you twerps! - Sorry.
- I had it coming.
Welcome, swingers! Pull up a groove and get fabulous! Nude rock bands, big piles of what I assume is talcum powder.
It's quite a birthday party, Calculon.
CooI! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday party just like Calculon! Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna show up looking good just like Monique.
Do you two have to imitate everything you see on TV? We're 12.
So, yes.
Hold up, Cubert.
You're a clone of the professor.
Do clones even have birthdays? Duh.
Duh what? Dad? Do I have a birthday? Hmm.
You didn't have a birth, so technically, no.
- Hmm.
Oh, don't feeI bad.
We can celebrate the day I extracted you from the cloning tank.
Or the day I scraped your DNA from that growth on my back.
- That one! - Yes.
It was 13 years ago next week.
I used this very fork.
Oh, well, isn't that- Hey.
Next week'll be my birthday too! That's true! If only there were a way to have one party for both of you here at the office, then write it off as a business expense.
Wait! I thought of a way! The way I just said! - Yeah! - Way to go, Pops! Something's happening on television! oh, Monique.
Why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne? Father! I've discovered the shocking secret Mother has kept from you for 200 years! No! No! Brace yourself, for when I speak these words you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia! For you see, the horrible secret is- Whoever's directing this is a master of suspense! He's busteds.
Let's get hims out of heres.
We now join America's most popular show in progress: Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad! This show's been going downhill since season three.
Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp! Since when are you performing at children's parties? Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes? - This party pukes.
- Yeah! The guests were supposed to be here three hours ago.
Well, that doesn't mean that no one is coming or that you two are totaI losers.
Who gave you that idea? All right! They must've all come as a group! Welcome, swingers! Pull up a groove and get fabulous! Huh? Good day, fellows.
Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup.
Happy growth-scraping day to all! fire them all.
Guys.
Guys.
Something's happening on television again! Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonite.
Across the galaxy my people are completing a mighty space fleet that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinsel Town.
Following Antonio Calculon Jr.
's breakdown on the set the popular TV show AII My Circuits will hold an open casting call for child robots to replace him.
An open casting call for child robots? Tinny Tim! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - What's that, sir? - That I, Bender, am perfect for the role! You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir.
Bravo! Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far.
There's a lot of famous child acting units here.
Look, there's Macaulay Culkon! He's just not cute since he got puberty installed.
There's that robot child actor who grew up and robbed the convenience store.
And there's that robot child actor who grew up and became a convenience store.
Lottery ticket, please.
We're ready for the first audition.
"Emote-atron Jr.
"? Hold on, precious.
Let's make you look nice for the lady.
What's this? What did I tell you? No more hanging wires! In this scene, you've just found out your reaI father is Calculon's fourth eviI identicaI septuplet, Sleazy Martinez.
Okay? Take us there! Now that I know the truth, Father, I must ride south and join the robo-bandidos at Veracruz! Boo! Boo! This kid sucks! We want Bender! Boo! Well, I thought he was good, but the audience seems to have turned on him.
- But I don't think- - Next! - at Veracruz.
So if you'll kindly hand me my poncho- Boo! Bring on Bender! Boo! Bender's the greatest! Sorry, kid.
You're flailing up there.
Ninety actors and they all got booed.
I just wish we could get this Bender I keep hearing about.
They say he's the greatest.
Well, there is a robot named Bender here, but he's much too old for- Send him in forthwith! Boo! Not as good as Bender! Boo! Mr.
Bender? - Have you ever been on TV before? - Once, when I took those hostages.
I saw that.
You were good.
Let's hear you audition.
"Bandidos"? Oh, this is great.
Because I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent.
I will see.
Adiós, Padre.
Come, Jesus, my faithfuI chihuahua.
Tonight we eat guacamole by the El Rio! That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show! Yay, Bender! We demand Bender! However, you've got the job.
Welcome aboard, son! Father-O! I'd like you to meet our director, whose name I never learned.
Yo.
I read the script, and I think it would help my character's motivation - if he was on fire.
- Don't worry about the script, baby.
We rewrote your part to suit your acting abilities.
So now my character has a British accent? No, now your character's in a coma.
Get in bed and don't move.
And action! Stupid dumb coma.
I could've been British.
Alas that mine only son should sink into an irreversible, permanent coma.
Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio.
I'm getting up.
Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that- Hey, everyone! Antonio here, but you can call me Bender! I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut! Come on, baby! Come on! I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing.
Bite my shiny metaI ass! Yeah! Come on, baby, yeah.
Come on, yeah! Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen.
We'll have to shoot it again.
No.
No, no, no.
I don't do two takes.
- But this guy was- - Amateurs like you do two takes.
I do one take.
Print it.
I'll be in my three-story trailer.
Bite my shiny metal ass! Yeah! Come on, baby, yeah! Come on, yeah! Now, that's hospitaI dancing! Pretty good, hey, Calcy? Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies.
I didn't shoot this.
We didn't.
That's security camera footage from your dressing room.
He stole the scene and my money? That's it! I demand you fire this felonious ham! - The network execu-bots are coming! - Oh, dear God! Presenting the president of the network! Greetings, gentlemen.
You already know my execu-bots.
Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Executive Beta.
Programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule.
More reality shows! And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate Middle America.
It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors? Now, who put this obnoxious dancing robot on my network? - We were about to fire him, sir.
- Silence, hack! We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully.
And during the 12 seconds Bender was on-screen, viewer eyeball focus was up 90 percent! But, sir, children watch this show.
Bender's no role modeI.
He's a filthmonger.
At our network, we love filth.
Filthy rich, that is.
Being filthy rich, that is.
"Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase.
- Eighty percent likely.
- It will play in Peoria.
Game shows are back! We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot on our network! Bender, can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV? Yes, I can.
Yeah, shooting! All right! Yo.
Check out what I jacked from my dad.
- A cigar?! - Ripping! Look.
I'm Bender! Ras H.
Tafari! What's going on here? - The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
- That's not a cigar! - And it's not mine.
- Hey, Dad.
Bite my shiny metaI ass! What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us! - Where did you learn such language? - From Bender, my good jerkwad.
Bender? That guy's really starting to twist my dreads.
- Okay, okay! Get ready for this part! - Quiet, robot.
Bender's on TV.
oh, Calculon.
It's so good to get away from the city and that beastly yet intriguing Bender.
And try this, kids at home! Is television sensation Bender a bad role model for Earth's children? That's crazy.
A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says "Hell, yes!" What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group? Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group! That was uncanny.
Fathers Against Rude Television don't want our kids watching Bender's - high-definition filth! - And for what? Some kind of cheap laugh? That's not what F.
A.
R.
T.
is all about.
No, sir! Not us F.
A.
R.
T.
ers! You can't censor me just because I'm an obscenely bad role modeI.
As unclean as it makes me feeI, I agree with Bender.
Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
Yeah.
Give a little credit to our public schools.
Our dads are all pumped up on dork-osterone.
- We're just trying to be cooI, like Bender.
- Yeah.
And it's not even working.
- Smoking and drinking make us barf.
- Gentle jerkwads I know how to emulate Bender without barfing.
We could commit a burglary.
- Hey, yeah! - Bender loves to burgle! Hold up, though.
Who could we rob? We don't know anyone with cooI stuff.
Duh.
We know someone who runs on pure cooI fueI: Bender! - Whoa! - We'll rob Bender! TV gave us the idea! You're watching Futurama the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.
Okay.
It's crime time.
Hey, Bender.
Hey, Bender.
Hey, Bender.
Hey, Bender.
- Oh! - What's going on in here? Oh.
Now I'm really outraged! Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here? I'm networking.
Let me give you my card.
Relax, Dad.
We just invited a few friends over.
There's something wrong with your story, but I can't put my finger on it.
Of course! You don't have friends! Yeah! Why do these popular kids consider you cooI all of a sudden? - We're just cooI, is all.
- Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cooI, using the CooI-o-meter! oh, yeah! Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies.
- Everybody out! Aw So do you guys know about anything else going on? Because I'm totally still ready to party.
There's enough cooI stuff here to furnish a happening pad.
Where did it all come from? Don't tell, comrades! All for one and one for all! - We stole it! - Oh, crumb.
- What? What's going on? - I'll tell you what! Our boys have taken up stealing.
One of the worst and coolest of crimes.
And all from watching you on TV, you cooI jerk! Hey, lay off me! TV would stink if everyone on it was a positive role modeI.
Bender is about entertainment, baby! You can't hold me responsible for what kids do when- Hey.
This is my stuff they stole! That's the last straw! Bender should not be allowed on television! Bender must be stopped! I've gone too far! Who does that guy think I am? - Yeah! - That's right! Come on! We're gonna march all the way to Hollywood and make them stop forcing their filthy me down our throats! Yeah! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! - This mob's with me.
- Go ahead.
Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with- Bender! Down with Bender! As a doctor and captain of this hospitaI ship I now pronounce you man and wife with six months to live.
Listen up, Hollywood! We're an exciting new mob! Yeah! You better believe it.
Great Shatner's ghost! We demand that all TVs be equipped with a B-Chip that blocks Bender from appearing on the screen! - Boo-ya! Yeah.
I'm afraid the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no.
- Then I quit! - Then you don't quit.
I think you'll be finishing the scene now, Mr.
Bender.
And don't skimp on the nasty.
There'll be no further nasty! We still have the option of resorting to violence! - What makes you think that'll work? - I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon.
How cooI was that? Yeah! Come on! - Quit the show! - Do the scene.
I'm a cold-blooded punk! I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it.
- Hey, look! The prop guy has a lamp! - Really? - Aha! - I was using that! Listen up, because I've got a climactic speech.
You, cameraman, keep the camera rolling! - You, director! Give me my motivation! - You're angry.
Perfect! Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cooI? Of course they do! How about committing crimes and violence? Again, the answer is yes.
But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? - I say absolutely not! - Oh! On the other hand, most, perhaps all, the blame rests with the parents.
That's right, you! And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV sitting down with your children and hitting them? - We're just so busy.
- Well, make time.
And cut! Good enough.
Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air.
Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV sitting down with your children and hitting them? Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.
What was it? That we should all take TV a little less seriously.
And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.
- Hear, hear! - Darn right! So should we turn it off now? - Well That depends what's on.
one now - Nothing good.
- Let's just keep watching.