Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e15 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(BUZZING)
Well, we did it
all today.
Rode bikes,
played baseball
Ate two double
chili dogs each,
and finally mastered
the mother of all
pinball games.
So cripplin'.
Yeah, it was pretty near
a perfect day.
I second that motion,
buddy.
So, Gerald, tomorrow,
2:00 movie?
The Return of
the Bad Breath Boys?
Well, count me in.
Hey, kid. The movie's
about to start.
Two tickets, please.
Sorry, I only have
one ticket left.
That's okay.
Thanks!
One, please.
Gerald, where were you?
The movie's sold out now.
I'm really sorry.
I got caught up
in some things.
We've been waiting
to see it for months.
What were you doing?
Nothing. Time just
got away from me.
Hey, next weekend for sure.
We'll see it.
Okay. So what do you
wanna do now?
Oh, hey, there's a book
I wanted to take a look at.
You mind going
to the bookstore?
Here it is!
This game is supposed
to be pretty cool!
It's supposed to be
pretty crazy, right?
Sounds kinda dumb to me.
Like a big waste
of time.
Yeah, it's just a crazy,
mixed-up game.
Anyway, I guess
Jamie O's into it,
'cause he asked me
to pick it up.
Ready to go?
Ah!
(BELL RINGS)
I'll be home,
so come over at 4:00.
We can get started on
our geography project.
Okay. I I'll see you
at 4:00.
Where is he?
Hey, Gerald,
what happened to you?
I'm really sorry. I started
playing with Timberly
when I got home,
and next thing I knew,
it was dinnertime.
But you never even called.
I know, I know.
I guess we have
all the other afternoons
this week
to start on the project.
Gerald?
Unfortunately,
this week isn't
looking too good for me.
You're busy every day
after school?
I'm busy helping my mom
with some things.
Well, maybe at least
one afternoon this week?
Yeah, we'll see.
I'll let you know.
(YAWNS)
I'm tired, buddy.
I'll catch you later.
Okay. Later.
(SIREN WAILING)
Watch where
you're going,
young man.
Oh, sorry!
(DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS)
Hey, Gerald,
were you in the alley
near Dr. Stieglitz's office
yesterday with Big Gino
and Edmund?
Me, in an alley?
With Big Gino and
and who?
Maybe I'm just
seeing things.
I think you were, Arnold,
because I
The King Rules?
I thought you bought
that for Jamie.
Uh Yeah, yeah.
It's his.
I, uh, just have it
because he wants me to
copy a page of it
for a friend of his.
(BELL RINGS)
We need to go
into class.
(BELL RINGS)
Gerald, wait!
Where are you going?
Uh, nowhere.
Gerald, you're avoiding me.
No I'm not, just busy
with other stuff.
What other stuff?
You can tell me.
It's me, Arnold.
Don't be so suspicious.
Listen, I have to go.
I'll call you tonight.
IGGY: What was that
again, King?
EDMUND: Hey, when the King
talks, you gotta listen, kid.
GERALD: It's all right.
Now once again, pawns,
it is almost time
to play the game.
Red, 3:30.
(DOG BARKING)
3:30, Red shed.
Okay.
GERALD:
It's 3:30, pawns.
My shuffle.
Yes, King.
Okay, Eddie, our King Gerald
deals out all the cards.
We roll the dice,
to see who reveals
what they have.
You mean,
what cards
they're holding?
Correct. After everyone
showed the King them,
then we start trading stuff
like property,
cattle, gold, etcetera.
Did you
The King talks!
Did you learn the list
of terms, and what
each card stands for?
I studied the list,
and read the book.
"King"! You call him King!
Oh, King!
Sorry, Gerald.
I mean, King.
There are a lot of terms.
"Royal stump, crying vulture,
"John in the moat.
"Shovel the cheese.
"Pinch the dragon.
Dance with
the unhappy uncle."
This is not a game
for the weak or impatient.
You have to concentrate
and be strong.
And one day,
maybe you could be king.
Are you implying that
I'm not gonna be
king forever?
Oh, no, King,
I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean that.
Watch yourself.
You don't want to
end up like him.
A dungeon pawn.
(SHUDDERING)
Let's play.
ALL: The King rules!
Hey, Gerald.
Hey, I'm kind of
in a hurry.
Oh, yeah.
You're probably gonna
go play The King Rules.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I know what's going on.
You've been playing
that game.
Hey, I've played the game
once or twice.
So what?
You've really changed.
You've been avoiding me.
You have a million excuses
whenever anyone
wants you to
do anything.
That game has completely
taken over your life.
I think you should
stop playing.
Look, Arnold,
it's none of your business.
You can't tell me
what to do,
and I'm not gonna
stop playing the game.
Gerald!
GRANDPA : Oh, short man.
Another perplexing
roadblock in the avenue
of your boyhood.
Oh, I remember
when I was a lad.
I also had a best buddy
who was obsessed
with a game.
You and your friend
patched things up, right?
No, not at all!
I guess the game
he loved
was more important to him
than my friendship!
To this day,
I still resent
that stupid, idiotic
ex-friend of mine.
Why, I wouldn't
take him back
even if he came
crawling to me
begging for forgiveness
and offered me
a seven-layer cake
with gold bullion
on top!
I can be harsh,
can't I, Arnold?
I still don't know
what to do about Gerald.
Well, let's see,
you can, uh,
never talk to Gerald
again, or
Ooh, you can make up
an invisible friend
named Gerald
so you don't need
the real guy.
Or maybe
I'm gonna
have to come up
with my own plan.
Ah, drat!
I was hoping
you were gonna get
an invisible friend!
Oh, I love having
invisible friends.
I think
you'd like it, too!
Thanks for your help,
Grandpa.
Sure, anytime.
It's at 3:30 next Wednesday.
I'm having a wart removed.
GERALD:
So, the big tournament
is this Saturday.
I can't wait.
Well, the word
on the street is,
that you'll be having
no problem winning, King.
And you should be wearing
the gold crown
when the tournament's over.
A gold crown.
Sounds good.
(CHUCKLES)
ARNOLD: I want to take on
your best player
in this weekend's
tournament.
"I'm the king of P.S. 119.
"Leave a note under
second base
in the vacant lot
"telling me the time
and location
of the tournament."
As if anyone has
a chance of beating
Gerald, anyways.
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm-hmm.
I think this is
the right move.
Two kings and an ace?
That's a royal sandwich.
Oh, what a silly game!
But the thought of
a royal sandwich
is making me hungry.
"Six unhappy uncles."
Wow, that's the best hand
you can have.
Read 'em
and weep, short man!
Rise and shine,
short man!
T-minus four hours
to your showdown
with Gerald.
(ALLEY CAT MEOWING)
Hey, paizan, how you doing?
Hey, I got a thing
for you right out there.
Come on.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to play.
To play what?
We're not playing anything.
You don't know
this game.
Oh, I know this game.
And I've come to win.
It's up to the King.
Let him play.
The king of Table A is,
of course, King Gerald.
And the king of Table B
is Arnold.
It's time for
the royal battle.
Set 'em up!
You should back out
now, Arnold,
while you still
have the chance.
If you're in, I'm in.
It's your choice.
Shovel the cheese.
Three in a row
and Jack Be Nimble.
Those kind of lucky cards
don't come around too often.
It wasn't lucky.
I studied hard.
This'll be a good time
for you to quit.
I'm not going to quit,
Gerald.
I have a hat man
and a pirate.
Give me the hat man.
I'll offer you a Bigfoot
or a shiny knight.
GERALD: I'll take
the shiny knight.
Round four.
You're staying
in the game?
Yes, Gerald.
I'm staying in the game.
You're getting in deeper
and deeper.
I'm getting in deeper
and deeper?
Gerald, you couldn't
be in any deeper.
Look at yourself.
You've been totally
changed by this game.
You're like
a different person.
Your roll.
You're gonna pretend
you don't hear me?
Your roll.
What is it about
this game, Gerald?
Talk to me!
Roll the dice,
or get out!
Final declaration.
What do you risk?
What do you risk,
Arnold?
(ALL GASPING)
You're risking it all?
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
I know what I'm doing.
That's crazy!
You could lose everything.
You could end up
the lowest of
the low pawns!
You're crazy, Arnold.
You'll be a dungeon pawn.
You have to devote
the next six months of
your life serving the king.
Hey, take it easy!
Come on, Arnold,
don't do it!
Back out while you can.
No. If you're in,
then I'm in.
I've already lost
my best friend
to this game.
And this is
only a game.
So I figure,
what does it
really matter?
Come on, King.
Finish him.
(CLAMORING)
BIG GINO:
Make him a dungeon pawn!
You play this game
really well.
But what does it
all mean?
Are you gonna risk
our friendship
just for a game?
Come on, King.
Finish him!
Yeah!
Your move, Gerald.
I fold.
No, King! No!
Why'd you do it,
King? Why?
It's mine.
(ALL CLAMORING)
I'm really sorry, man.
I guess you were right.
I can't believe
it took over my life.
Yeah, you were
pretty hooked.
I just want everything
to go back to normal.
That's all I want, too.
By the way, what cards
were you holding?
Six unhappy uncles.
I knew it.
(DOG BARKING)
(BIG GINO CACKLES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Miss Susie had a tugboat
The tugboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
The tugboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine
If you disconnect me
I'll chop off your
Behind the refrigerator ♪
ARNOLD: Finally!
Yes!
Oh, I have to pee
like a screaming Comanche!
Oh, boy,
our weekend fishing trip.
Just us men
and the boys.
We should have done this
a long time ago!
You said it, Phil!
This'll really give us
a chance to bond
with our boys
and show 'em
a great time!
How many fish
do you think we'll catch?
Well, this time of year,
the river's loaded
with rainbow trout.
When I was a boy,
I caught so many,
I couldn't eat 'em all.
Oh! It's like a dream.
When I was growing up,
I spent every summer
practically living
in these mountains.
Fishing, hiking,
climbing trees!
It's like second nature
to me!
Easy does it, son.
Oh, don't worry, Dad,
I've got it.
Whoa! Ow, oh
(GRUNTS) Ow!
(CRASHING)
Eugene!
Are you okay?
(ECHOING)
I'm okay.
He's okay.
Perfect campsite,
huh, Phil?
You said it!
Woo!
Hey, watch where
you're poking
that tent pole!
Look! There's another camp
over there.
Whoa! They've got
a swimming pool,
cabanas with fireplaces,
and a big buffet table!
Ah, that's for softies.
What we're doing
is real camping.
Well, we still got
an hour or so
of daylight left.
What do you say
we get in some fishing
before it gets dark?
Yeah, yeah!
(CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTS) This isn't
exactly what I thought
we'd be doing
when we planned
this fishing trip.
Yeah, I thought
we were supposed
to be eating fish
instead of these worms.
You're not supposed
to eat the worms.
They're the bait.
I was hungry.
Good news, boys.
We caught
a bucketful of worms
and we're ready
to go fishing.
ALL: Yay!
Unfortunately, we're losing
daylight. We're gonna
have to wait until tomorrow.
(GROANING)
Hmm, I think
it's this way.
MARTIN: Well, if it isn't,
we'll just double back
and try again.
HAROLD:
I'm so hungry.
We got plenty of food
back at the camp.
Hey, look,
it's a cute little bear!
And he's got
my sleeping bag.
What the heck happened?
RAY:
Looks like the bears
got to our food.
Don't worry, we still
got 65 cans of beans.
Good beans.
Very good beans.
Pass the beans.
(OWL HOOTING)
(FROGS CROAKING)
(FARTS)
(FARTING)
Is it just me,
or is this trip not exactly
turning out the way
we planned?
(FARTING)
This trip stinks!
Whoo! In more
ways than one.
Come on, you guys,
it's just the first day.
Tomorrow, we'll catch
some fish.
Oh, forget it!
I wanna go home.
Yeah, me too.
We can't go home.
Our dads are having
such a good time.
We can't disappoint them.
(SIGHS) Arnold's right.
No matter how bad
things get,
we can't let our dads
know we're miserable.
We have to pretend
we're having a good time.
Yeah, you're right.
(MULTIPLE FARTS)
(FARTING)
Is it just me,
or is this trip not
exactly turning out
the way we planned?
Maybe we should
pack up and go home
and just forget about
What?
Go home,
and lose this kind
of freedom?
(FARTS, SIGHS)
Listen, I know
conditions aren't ideal,
but if we went home now,
our boys would be
horribly disappointed.
They're having
the time of their lives!
Martin's right!
We can't let 'em down!
So basically,
we'll keep up a good
front for the boys' sake?
(FARTS)
That's what
it looks like.
(MULTIPLE FARTS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, look!
A dead owl.
Breakfast!
Ow!
EUGENE: Um, excuse me,
that's my swimsuit!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, look.
A fish caught Sid!
I got it!
Oh!
Did I just throw
that fish in the river?
Oh, look!
A cute little squirrel!
Let's eat him!
Here, little squirrel!
Ahh! Ahh!
Oh, no,
you'll get rabies!
You'll go mad
and start foaming
at the mouth!
Rabies? Ah!
Am I gonna die?
No, Harold,
you're not gonna die.
The skin wasn't
even broken.
There's no way you'd
get rabies from
that raccoon.
Yes, he could! It's just
like that show,
When Animals Bite.
He'll infect us all!
Oh, knock it off!
The boy's fine!
Let's fish
For the halibut.
(CHUCKLES)
Whoa! We got a customer!
Oh, it feels big.
GRANDPA: Whoa,
we're gonna eat tonight!
It's a giant trout!
Oh, it's a monster!
It's a boot.
(FARTING)
Stupid beans!
I wish I had
some real food!
Oh! Whipped cream!
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Mad boy! Mad boy!
Harold has rabies!
Whatever you do,
don't get
near his mouth!
Not the mouth!
No, no, no,
it's just whipped cream.
I found it.
You ate old
whipped cream?
Uh, actually,
it's shaving cream!
Oh, I'm so stupid!
SID: I hate this.
All we're doing
is eating beans,
sleeping in the dirt,
and not catching
any fish!
This isn't any fun
at all!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, yeah.
Now we're having fun!
(SNIFFING)
I smell hamburgers!
(DELIRIOUSLY)
Hamburgers!
SID: Oh, man.
I wish I was there
instead of here.
I'm nauseous
with desire.
ANNOUNCER: Don't forget
about the banana
monkey chunk fudge
ripple ice cream cake,
now being served
in our heated pool.
Banana monkey chunk fudge
ripple ice cream cake,
in a pool!
A heated pool,
brother!
A heated pool,
brother.
Let's go!
Let's go right now!
Harold, what about
our promise?
We all agreed to
stick together, remember?
Arnold's right. Our dads
would be pretty disappointed
if we just ran away
and left 'em here.
HAROLD: Yeah, I guess
Arnold's right.
ANNOUNCER: Last call for
the delicious ice cream cake
now being served
in the heated pool!
(ALL SIGHING)
Oh, my knees are weak!
My knees are fake.
What the heck
are we doing here?
Let's go down
to the resort!
But guys, what about
our promise?
We all agreed to
stick together,
remember?
Martin's right.
Our boys would be
pretty disappointed
if we ran away
and left them here.
RAY:
Yeah, Martin's right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
EUGENE: I just know we'll
wake up tomorrow
to a better day.
(LOUD FART)
GERALD:
If we make it
till tomorrow.
Oh! Ahh!
Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Talk about ironic,
MARTIN: Well, men,
the bad news is,
we're out of beans.
But I got good news!
We found a whole bunch
of delicious skunk cabbage!
Ugh!
Steak.
Oh, Mommy!
GERALD:
Oh, it smells so good.
And they got
a huge campfire!
My bonny
And look,
it's singing sensation
and former Monkee, Davy Jones!
Can you believe it,
Harold?
Harold?
Where's Harold?
Juicy steak
Singing sensation
Davy Jones,
I'm coming!
I can't believe you!
You broke our pact!
And even worse than that,
why didn't you take me
with you?
I thought we agreed
that we were gonna
stick together.
I'm sorry, I have
no self-control!
RAY: Boys!
We made a bonfire!
Hey, what do you say
we tell some scary stories?
How about the one
about the haunted florist?
Yeah, I guess we could
hear that one again.
We've got a nice,
warm fire going.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(CROAKING)
(ALL CROAKING)
(LOUD CROAK)
So, who's got
a scary story?
You wanna hear
a scary story?
I'll tell you
a scary story.
It's about some boys
and their dads.
They wanted to go
on a nice fishing trip
and have a great time.
But they didn't
catch any fish.
And then
they got lost,
and then some bears
ate their food,
so they had to eat
cold, slimy, beans
out of a can,
breakfast, lunch
and dinner,
day after day.
And every night, they all
just kept farting
and farting and farting.
Sure, it was funny
at first,
but then it just smelled
and it was horrible.
And then their tents
blew away,
and it started to hail,
and all the frogs
came out!
(CRYING)
Gosh, you know,
that story sounds
awfully similar
to what happened
to us!
That's because it is
what happened to us.
Wait a minute.
You're not
having a good time?
We hate it!
It's like we're living
in a nightmare!
We were just pretending
to be having a good time
so we wouldn't hurt
your feelings.
That's sort of
a coincidence.
We've all
been pretending, too.
for your sake, boys.
You're kidding.
You mean, you were
as miserable as us?
That's right.
(FARTS)
(LAUGHTER)
(FARTS)
Well, what do you say
we blow this pop stand
and have some
real fun?
Whoa! Oh!
(GRUNTS)
Banana monkey chunk
fudge ripple
ice cream cake!
(SIGHS)
ANNOUNCER:
And now, please welcome
a very special treat.
Singing sensation
and former Monkee,
Davy Jones!
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.
We've had lots
of requests tonight,
but, ha,
we're gonna sing anyway!
Hey, do you know
Miss Susie Had a Tugboat?
Oh, that one's
not usually on
the playlist, but,
I'll give it a shot.
Miss Susie had a tugboat,
the tugboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven,
the tugboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I'll kick you in the
Behind the refrigerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss Susie fell upon it
and cut her little
Ask me no more questions
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow
The bees are in the park
The boys and girls
are kissing
way past after dark ♪