Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e15 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( yelling ) As you see, General, I am a great believer in exercise.
Also, I keep myself in tip-top physical condition.
( yelling ) Ooh.
( chuckling ) I could beat even these younger men at their own game most easily, sir.
( chuckling ) Of course, you'd have to learn to play without your girdle.
Yes, I'd have to learn to Oh, that'll do, Hogan.
( yelling ) In case I'm, uh, recommended for promotion-- not that I'm asking you, sir-- I'm sure that the board will take my extremely marvelous physical fitness into consideration.
Physical fitness is one thing.
Mental fitness-- that's another.
Colonel Hogan it was very funny what the General just said.
Uh-huh.
You are not laughing.
Hey, fellas, game's over.
Let's go in.
Wait a minute; hold it, hold it! The exercise period is not finished.
Yeah, well, we want to laugh at what the General said.
We can't do it out here.
Come on.
London-- just came in.
London's planning a bombing attack for Friday night on the hydroelectric dam right down the valley.
They need daily reports, particularly the exact wind speed and direction.
Weather report every day? Uh-huh.
How we going to do it? We'd need weather balloons.
And a range finder to track them.
Use a rifle scope for that.
Yeah, but what can we use for balloons? This.
( yelling ) So, we will see you on Saturday for inspection, General.
Not this week.
I will be too busy working on the fence requirements for the dam.
Uh, I hope you will keep in mind my qualifications for promotion, sir.
Uh, your recommendation to the Board of Review should carry considerable weight, and it would be most appreciated if General, I, I Colonel, as a special favor The answer is no, no matter what it is.
Okay, I'll just have to tell the men you're not in good enough physical condition.
What do you mean, Hogan? I heard you tell the General you played volleyball, and I was hoping you'd show us some of the finer points of the game.
I have many more important things to do.
Frankly, sir, I've, uh, I've been using you as an example to the men as the perfect male body.
I, uh, I thought it might inspire them to exercise.
I hope you don't mind.
Why should I mind? I suppose it's something I cannot hide.
And if you'd just join us in a game of volleyball for a serve or two, your dynamic vitality might be an inspiration.
Naturally, but, uh, I, I It will just take a minute.
All right, Hogan.
Uh, Schultz, here.
Help me with my coat, will you please? All right, fellas, pay attention.
Now, you may learn something.
Ready? Ready here, sir.
All right, Colonel, give it a good sock.
They've been having trouble getting it over the net.
Let her rip! KLINK: Take your hands off the ball.
You guys get the idea? I had no idea I would hit it that hard.
You don't know your own strength, sir.
I suppose I don't.
elevation: 45.
I'm afraid that's it, fellas.
Wrap up the net.
Azimuth: 128, elevation: 65.
Well? Worked fine, Colonel.
We got some good readings.
You ought to have seen old Klink's face when he hit that.
What do we use for balloons tomorrow? Best thing to use for balloons is balloons.
Only we don't have There are a bunch of them left over after that party at the non-com club.
Take an awful good man to get in there.
Or an awful bad one.
This is unthinkable.
I simply will not have my noncommissioned officers treated with disrespect.
I felt I had to report it to you, sir.
You're a disgrace to the uniform, Newkirk.
Now, you tell me exactly what name did you call Sergeant Schultz? The very worst.
How bad? Don't ask.
I will not stand for this kind of language.
You must be taught respect for my sergeants.
You're right, and that's a good idea to make him wait on tables at the non-com's club.
No, sir, that's going too far.
I won't do it.
He can't make me do it.
You can't make me! Yes, I can.
Now, you will do exactly as I say.
You will wait on table for the sergeants, and that will teach you respect for them.
Why couldn't I have thought of that? ( laughter ) Das was a good one.
( laughter continues ) And then the Kommandant took the ball, and zossh! ( gasping ) What a! The ball went up and up and up and up, and out of sight.
SERGEANT: Oh, come now, Schultz.
That I don't believe.
I'm not lying.
If I saw it, I saw it, you understand? Prosit.
Prosit.
Good night, boys! Good night! ( chuckling ) Dummkopf! Look where you're going! Oh, I'm sorry, Kommandant.
I thought it was some other Dummkopf.
Go to bed.
Jawohl.
Oh, uh, Schultz.
Yes? That Englishman.
He was working inside, eh? The Englander Newkirk? Yes.
Good.
That will teach him not to be so disrespectful to you, even though you deserve it.
Disrespectful? But he hasn't been.
He wasn't? He didn't call you whatever it was he called you? He only called me Schultz.
But everybody else calls me Schultz.
Why shouldn't he call me Schultz? And that's my name-- Schultz.
There they are.
Wow! Any trouble? Piece of cake.
These magic fingers have not lost their touch.
I even got a little bonus.
Hey, he's got a beer; that's fabulous! Something for you, mate.
I bet you there's an opener around here someplace.
Schultz is Colonel Hogan.
Sergeant Schultz tells me he was not treated with any disrespect.
Such a forgiving soul.
Probably forced himself to forget the whole distasteful incident.
He was quite certain.
Hogan, you're up to something.
What is it? Aw, come on, Colonel.
Balloons? Well, it's no use.
May as well tell him everything.
Should have known we couldn't get away with it.
What's going on here? It's this Friday night.
Something big was coming off.
We needed the balloons.
Friday? What happens Friday night? Just the anniversary of your taking command here at Stalag 13, that's all.
Cup of coffee, sir? The anniversary of my You honestly forgot, didn't you? Such humility.
True sign of greatness.
Well, we couldn't forget.
Well, I, I We wanted to celebrate in some small gathering our gratefulness to you, sir.
But now I can see it was wrong.
Our emotions carried us away.
Ah, you couldn't understand.
Oh, but I do, I do! A party for me, my anniversary here LeBeau was going to make a cake in your honor-- apple crumb, your favorite, but now Apple crumb-- oh, but you shall, you shall.
LeBeau, you can use the camp kitchen.
Thank you, sir.
Y-You mean we can go ahead, sir? Well, I couldn't very well refuse seeing how much this means to you.
I, uh I'm only sorry that I spoiled your little surprise.
We'll still try to make part of it a surprise, sir.
Boy, that was a close one.
Time for a drink, huh?! ( men laughing ) What's keeping him? It takes a while to fill the balloons from the tank.
NEWKIRK: Here he comes.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Look what you made me do.
Me? That's azimuth: 85 east.
Elevation: 52.
I'll be glad it's over tomorrow.
One more day like this just What now? ( Morse code beeping ) They need additional information for tomorrow night.
Barometer readings, cloud cover, general area forecast.
( men groaning ) Sure, nothing to it.
How are we supposed to get that? We'll need help, so we'll go to the Commandant.
Klink help? Why not? It's his party.
I say it's ridiculous to even discuss it.
Well, I say I'm right, sir, and the others say I'm right, too.
Newkirk, I don't care what you say, and I really don't care what the others say.
Colonel Hogan! What is all this? You'll have to help us settle this, Colonel.
It's about the party tomorrow night.
Some of the fellas want to have it outside, and the others say it'll be too cold.
It will be too cold, sir, and rainy, too.
I can feel it in me bones.
Feel it in your bones? Come on! KLINK: Gentlemen.
There's a way to settle all this.
There is? It's simple.
Fraulein Hilda, call the meteorological service and find out.
Jawohl, Herr Commandant.
Gentlemen, this way, please.
How simple when you have a mind like a coiled spring.
You see? When you have it up here ( chortling ) ( intercom buzzing ) Meteorology, Colonel.
Colonel Klink speaking.
The forecast for tomorrow night, please.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Barometer: 29.
12-- mm-hmm.
Stratus clouds at 3,000 meters.
KLINK: Westerly winds 12 knots, That's sufficient.
I told you it was too cold to have a picnic.
Thank you, Colonel, for saving the party.
By the way, here's your, uh hat for tomorrow night.
We'll be here at 8:00.
General Burkhalter's calling from the dam, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, that must be about my promotion.
Ah, General Burkhalter, what can I do for you? Yes, sir-- shut up and listen.
Yes, sir.
What? Unauthorized radio transmissions from this area? Yes.
It could be saboteurs, possibly even an attempted prison break.
Double all security precautions.
I understand completely, Herr General.
( chuckling ): You want me to handle this with my usual Klink efficiency.
No, this time I want it done right.
( chuckling ) I like a general with a sense of humor.
This is not funny, Klink.
Be alert to anything the slightest bit unusual.
( chuckles ) For the Governor's party, huh? Well, what's a blowout without balloons, Schultz? Uh, I'll take that.
No, no, that's okay No, no, every day we are losing some.
No, Schultz, don't worry! I got them knotted around my finger.
No, I'll-I'll be glad to help.
I'm on my way there, anyway.
Well, that's bloody charming.
Schultz has got the balloons.
Oh, Schultz? Don't worry, Colonel Hogan.
I won't let go of them.
Yeah, okay, thanks, Schultz, I appreciate it.
Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.
Oh, good mor Where is he? Went around the corner of the barracks, Schultz.
Azimuth east 80, elevation 55.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I ruined everything.
No, you didn't.
Honest.
HOGAN: Very good.
All right, well, take all the fixings over to Klink's office.
Start the wingding All except you, Kinch.
I'd feel much better about it if I could use our regular setup down in the tunnel.
Bombers might be early.
They'll need your signals.
You have to be up here, so you can hear them.
It's too bad you have to miss out on that party.
Yeah, we'll tell you all about it when we get back.
Remember what everybody wore, huh? Ah, Colonel, what do you think of the punch? Oh, boy! We'd do more damage dropping that on the dam.
If he can still talk, it needs more schnapps.
I don't like it , sir.
Klink must have noticed there's balloons going up every day.
He's got to be getting suspicious.
He may be a dope, but he's not that big of a dope.
He can't be! You know, Newkirk, your trouble is, you don't have any faith in human nature.
He doesn't suspect a thing.
Something is going on, Schultz.
I know Colonel Hogan only too well.
And something very definitely is going on.
Yeah, but Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan was only planning the party.
I am afraid this is not just a little party.
Hogan is being very clever.
But I am one step ahead of him.
You understand, Schultz? I understand.
We cancel the party.
No, no, no, no, no, Schultz.
No? We go ahead with the party.
We play out Colonel Hogan's little game.
We play pin the tail on the donkey, only tonight, Hogan will be the donkey.
Ah * For he's a jolly good fellow * Lights! * For he's a jolly good fellow * For he's a jolly good fellow * Which nobody can deny.
* ( whooping and cheering ) Yeah, blow them out, Commandant.
Make a wish, Herr Kommandant.
Yes.
Come on, make a wish! Anything you like, sir! ( cheering ) Lights! Bravo! Oh, wait till you taste this cake, Commandant.
It's apple crumb, your favorite.
Later, later.
Oh, hey, don't forget your hat here.
The fellows made it especially for your anniversary.
Colonel Hogan, I happen to have gone over the records this afternoon, and I find that the anniversary of my taking over command here still has four months to go.
Well, how do you like that? ( laughs ) I mean, you've been so thoughtful and generous, time seemed to pass faster than it did.
Boy, that's-that's for sure.
It certainly did.
Yeah, it's It, uh, certainly did, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, well, there's no harm done.
We'll have another party in four months, right? Now let's have a little bit of that punch.
Wait till you taste this punch, Commandant.
It is absolutely great.
Uh, Hogan? You'll love it.
Yes? Aren't we, uh, missing something? Or someone? Missing someone, sir? Sergeant Kinchloe, I believe.
Where is he? Oh, he's over in the barracks.
He'll be over later.
Try this punch.
It's delicious.
Oh, I would hate to have Sergeant Kinchloe miss out on this party.
He should be here.
He doesn't mind, sir.
He doesn't make friends easily.
Is that so? Well, if Sergeant Kinchloe cannot come to this party, we shall bring the party to Sergeant Kinchloe.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
This party is moving to the barracks.
Gentlemen, please ( clacking ) ( thud ) ( footsteps ) Aha! I thought so! There's a radio in there.
Destroy it! Wait a minute, Colonel.
Fire! Well, now you've spoiled everything.
What is all this? It's a freezer.
We were making ice cream for the party.
Ice cream?! Pistachio, your favorite.
Pistachio.
Well, no sense crying over spilled cream.
All right, everybody, back to the party, let's go.
There's enough cake left ( groaning ) CARTER: Boy, what a gyp.
All right, Kinch SCHULTZ: Pistachio ice cream.
get this mess cleaned up.
Right.
( whistles ): Boy, that was close.
Can you still transmit? Nah, the generator's busted.
What about the battery? Uh, it's way down.
Maybe enough left for one short transmission.
How long a signal do you need? At least five minutes at exactly 10:00.
All right.
Make one transmission.
Tell the planes to zero in, switch over on the German radio, navigate by that.
German radio? Klink is going to be going on the air exactly 10:00.
That'll teach him to shoot up our pistachio.
( singing in German ) ( laughter ) Wonderful! I can't remember when I've had such a nice party! Well, you're entitled, sir.
It's your night.
This is my night.
( cheering ) ( singing in German ) ( laughter and cheering ) Don't you like the party, Colonel Hogan? You don't seem to be enjoying yourself.
Oh, it's just so sad, Colonel.
The one person who should be here isn't here.
The one person What, what? Who? What? General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter? After all, he was the first person to recognize your great potential.
Oh.
Made you Commandant of this camp.
Oh? Hmm.
This is his day, too.
And he did send the flowers.
Flow? What flowers? Flowers? Did you see? Oh, we put them in water, sir.
Oh! Why don't you give him a call, sir? It'd mean so much to him.
Uh, I-I will thank him the next time I see him, huh? How about "Lili Marlene"? ( shouting ) Call the General Call the General, sir.
Nothing says you like your voice.
Please! Why do you keep looking at the time, Hogan? The call, sir.
It's after 7:00.
You get the night rate.
Please.
A call to the General, the lonely warrior at the ramparts.
Just a word to let him know his Colonel cared enough to remember.
Oh.
Well I suppose it would mean a lot to him.
Get me General Burkhalter at the Freidish Dam.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
All the telephone wires to the dam are down.
It was the storm.
The storm?! Ask for charges, sir.
We'll pay them.
Oh.
The telephone lines are down.
Oh, what a shame! Yeah.
Well, there's no possible way to contact him.
Wait, wait, wait.
I know how to contact the General.
( chuckles ) The radio! The radio.
Of course! That mind at work again.
( transmission squeaking ) A message coming in for you, General.
What? General Burkhalter here.
KLINK: Ah, General Burkhalter.
This is your old friend, Colonel Klink speaking.
You shouldn't have done it.
You should not have done it, sir.
Shouldn't have done what, Klink? What are you talking about? The flowers, sir.
Oh, they were beautiful.
We put them in water.
You know, I have never had such a nice present from a general.
What you are going to get is a court-martial if you don't start explaining.
Why are you using the radio? Gruff exterior just trying to cover up.
Inside, a real marshmallow.
Hmm.
Herr General, you're a real marshmallow.
( Klink chuckling ) Sir, I know the dam is important and duty comes first, so we have put a chair for you right next to our table.
And we've cut you a piece of cake.
Apple crumb.
A great big piece.
Apple crumb? Ja, ja.
I'm only sorry that there's no ice cream.
We had pistachio, but one of the guards shot it with a machine gun.
Klink, have you lost your mind? Get off that radio! ( singing in harmony ): * Nights alone * Since you went away * I just want you to know as you sit there * I think * About you alone at the Freidish Dam that I * All through the day your fellow comrade-in-arms * My buddy salute you * My buddy and I embrace you.
For this is your night, too.
* Nobody * Quite so true An aerial salute.
The General hasn't forgotten a thing.
Oh! * Miss your voice * General This is the happiest day of my life.
* The touch of your hand * Klink, for the last time, I'm ordering you ( explosions ) * My buddy * ( low static on radio ) He hung up.
Too choked to talk.
* My buddy * ( deep rumbling ) * Your buddy * What could that? Must be fireworks.
On a night like this, everyone is celebrating.
* Misses you.
( distant explosions continue ) But But General Burkhalter, I Achtung! What have you to say about last night disregarding orders, breaking security? General Burkhalter, all I wanted Achtung! I should have you shot.
Yes, sir, you should have me shot! If you'd just give me a chance to explain Achtung! Hmm! I'll give you a chance to pack your suitcase.
You are through here, Klink.
Finished! Oh! General Burkhalter, as Senior POW Officer here, I wish to protest Colonel Klink's conduct last night.
You protest his conduct? And don't tell me he didn't do it, because I was right here when he went on the radio to try to save that dam.
To try to save what? He knew those bombers were homing in on the dam, and he tried to confuse them.
What do you mean, Hogan? Standing here virtually unprotected, inviting the full fury of those bombs to rain down on him.
But he had no right to put us in jeopardy, too.
You mean, he was trying to? I mean, if he wants to commit suicide to save your life, that's his concern.
But he might have had all of us killed, too.
Well, I only thought that this was a far, far better thing I did than, uh than anything else I could do.
I didn't realize.
I'm grateful, of course.
I will see that mention is made.
Well, I-I suppose it was something you had to do, sir.
By the way, how many bombers did the General shoot down? Actually, none at all.
Well, then you did better than he did last night.
I mean, you shot down a whole freezer of pistachio.
( laughs ) ( laughs )