In Living Color (1990) s05e15 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Chattering.]
We need a table for two.
It's gonna be a few minutes.
Maybe you'd like to sit at the bar.
Ooh, that's perfect.
Petey, this place is lovely.
Ain't nothin' too nice for you, Tracy.
All right.
Can I get you beautiful people something to drink? - What do you recommend? - Uh, how about a Black Russian? - How much is that? - That'll be five dollars.
Five dollars! Good Lord, that's a lot of money.
How about I give you 49 cents.
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you give me a light-skinned girl from Moscow? [Chuckles.]
I can't do that, man.
Okay, uh.
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Uh, what else you got? - Uh, we have a wonderful house wine.
- [Gasps.]
- How much is that? - Four dollars a glass.
Four dollars a glass! Good Lord, that's a lot of.
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That cost more than my house.
How about I give you about, uh, 49 cents.
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you keep the house wine and bring me some of that project punch? Why don't I get you two bottles of Snapple? All right.
One bottle, two straws.
I love Snapple.
Uh, gee, honey, what do you want to do after dinner? I hear there's a great new detective film at the cineplex.
How much it cost for two tickets and some popcorn? - Uh, $17.
- Seventeen dollars! Good Lord! You know, how about we go to my mama's house and watch BarnabyJones? I know, honey.
Why don't we just go back to my place.
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turn the lights down low and watch a video? How much is that? I rented one already.
It's free.
Free? Good Lord, that's a good idea.
Excuse me, sir.
Your table's ready.
Honey, you just go along.
I'll be a minute, okay? Hey, fella.
Fella.
You got a condom machine in that there bathroom? - Yeah, we do.
- All right, all right.
- How much.
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How much for a lubricated condom? - One dollar.
One dollar! All right.
All right.
How much for one with no lubrication? Still a dollar.
Now tell me how they gonna cost the same.
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when one don't got no "lube-ro-cation"? I don't know.
They both cost the same though.
Aw, come on.
How much for a balloon? Hi.
Here's some bread and some menus.
- I'll be right back to take your order.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
How much for this bread? - It's complimentary.
- "Complimentary"? Good Lord, that's a big word.
Complimentary.
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What's that mean? - It means it's free.
- Free? The bread free now? - Free like Kunta Kinte.
- Good Lord, that's free.
All right, all right.
I like this free thing.
- Bring her one too.
- All right.
Ooh, Petey, the New York steak strip looks good.
- Good Lord.
- Mmm! Prime rib.
- Good Lord.
- [Gasps.]
Hey, lobster.
Good Lord, that's a lot of money.
Don't you like rice? How about you order a bowl of rice and the water it was boiled in? Honey, if I don't have a hearty meal tonight.
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well, I may not have enough strength later on when we, you know, get busy.
- All right.
I got a nice idea.
- Yeah? How about you eat a nice little snack.
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and then you just rub the booty? - What? - Okay.
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Why don't you suck the gravy off of his vest, right.
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and just shake my hand under the table? That's it, Peter.
I'm ordering anything and everything I want.
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and you're gonna pay for it.
Waiter? I'm ordering everything on the left side of the menu.
- Thank you very much.
- Good Lord.
- How much is that gonna be? - Uh, including gratuity? - [Sighs.]
Wh-What's "gratuity"? - That's my tip.
You want a tip? Don't smoke in bed.
By the way, what do you do to people that don't pay their bill? - We throw them out of this establishment.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, if you're gonna throw me, make sure.
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- you throw me towards Denny's, all right? - That's it, buddy.
Let's go.
Hey! Get the bread.
Get the bread.
Hey, come on.
[Man, Indistinct.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Ends.]
Hello, and welcome to A.
W.
F.
's Main Event.
Tonight, a super heavyweight, super brawl.
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for the prestigious title, "King of All Media.
" And here come two of our warriors right now.
- [Growling.]
- [Growling.]
I am Rush Limbaugh.
And I'm Al Sharpton.
And we are ordering you to park your dimpled rump on the nearest couch.
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and get ready for the grudge match of the century.
No doubt many of you are wondering what could have made me join forces.
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with this pink-eyed devil.
Or why would I hitch my pie wagon.
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to this welfare check with legs.
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Why? Only one thing could make us increase the peace.
[Together.]
Howard Stern.
That beanpole may have stolen his hair from Donna Summer.
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And he is not going to steal this town from us.
That's right.
We are the true kings of all media.
My radio show is more popular.
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than a drunk broad at a Kennedy party.
- That's right.
- I defy you to name.
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a more shameless camera hog than yours truly.
I have talent on loan from God.
From God, do you hear me? I want you, Stern! I want you! And oh, my, here comes Fart Man right now.
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with his tag team partner, Robin Quivers.
I am Fart Man! Well, well.
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If it isn'tJabber the Hut.
And who dressed this big fat guy up as James Brown? - Oh, Howard, please.
- All right, Fart Man, you gonna get yours.
- Get him, Robin.
- [Groaning.]
Oh, that's punishment.
- [Snarls.]
- Oh, look.
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Shamu just got in the ring.
Now all we need are some lesbians.
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and a tub of whipped cream and we've got a show.
[Announcer.]
Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen.
This has all the makingsof a bare-knuckles street brawl.
All right, Stern, let's see how your feminazi shill likes my super slam.
Just make her watch your TV show.
That'll put her to sleep, you sperm whale.
- Oh, Howard.
[Laughs.]
- [Yells.]
- [Growling.]
- [Givens Laughing.]
It breaks my heart to see a Nubian princess go to bobo.
Don't stop.
Don't stop, you cocker spaniel.
[Growls.]
Oh, Howard, you're terrible.
[Announcer.]
Incredible.
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Quiverstaking a lot of punishment out there.
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and yet she's stilllaughing like an idiot.
I will crush you flatter than the Ring Ding in my back pocket.
No! [Grunts.]
[Babbling.]
Al, do you mind? Your armpit's like a cottage cheese factory.
Oh, Howard.
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Howard, please.
You're terrible.
You know, Robin.
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I would love to play butt bongo with these two butterballs.
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but I'd have to be a kodo drummer.
Kodo drummer! Oh, Howard.
All right, Stern, prepare to die.
[Groans.]
- [Farting.]
- Oh.
Oh, God! [Laughing.]
- Aha.
My super powers have finally kicked in.
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.
- [Limbaugh Groans.]
With a little help from that bran muffin and a pot of coffee.
[Givens.]
Bran muffin and a pot of coffee.
! - [Laughing.]
- [Announcer.]
What in the.
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Stern has pulled some kindof foreign object from his trunks.
It's a Hostess pie, you moron.
It is.
!It's a delicious fruit pie.
- [Grunts.]
- Hey, now, hold on, honky.
I want my piece of the pie.
There it is, and it looks like we have.
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Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
It is.
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It's a disqualification.
[Bell Ringing.]
Hey! This is a travesty.
This isn't the A.
W.
F.
It's the F.
C.
C.
I'm not gonna take that from you, caveman.
[Laughing.]
Oh, Howard.
[Indistinct.]
I guarantee you folks, this feud is a long way from over.
So until then, so long.
Pull my finger, Robin.
[Dance.]
[Man Singing, Indistinct.]
[Ends.]
[Man.]
Live from the inner city.
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it's East Hollywood Squares.
With George Foreman, Spike Lee.
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Dr.
Dre, Robert Guillaume.
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Fred Berry, Little Richard.
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Jackeé, Shari Belafonte.
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a guy from the Ojaysand one of the Pips.
And now, the masterof East Hollywood Squares.
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Peter Marshall.
! - [Applause.]
- Thank you, Luis.
Welcome once again to The East Hollywood Squares.
Hey, stars.
- [All Talking.]
- Nice to see each and every one of you.
Let me show our home audience the secret square.
Now I want you to meet our players.
You've met Becky before.
She's a shiatsumanipulator from Laughlin, Nevada.
- Welcome back, Becky.
- Thank you.
And Daryl over here.
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He runs a singles complex in Canoga Park, California.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Now, backstage you won the game of One Potato, Two Potato, so Daryl.
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- "Duryl," is that right? "Duryl.
" - Yeah.
You'll.
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You'll start, so good luck, and, uh, pick a star.
Yeah, I'll go with George Foreman, please, Peter.
[Cheers, Applause.]
[Marshall.]
George, good to see you.
How's it goin'? Say, George, you've foughtmany of these.
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but how many roundsare there in a title fight? Ooh, Peter, you know, there's.
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Well, there's round steak and there's ground round.
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and there's so many round tasty things.
Uh.
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I'm gonna have to go with a cheeseburger.
That's round.
Cheeseburger.
What do you think? - I'll agree.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
No, I'm sorry, Daryl.
That-That cheeseburger doesn't cut it.
In fact, it's pretty bizarre that the man.
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would even say that, and that you would agree.
Becky, it's your turn.
- Pick a star.
- I'll go with Spike Lee.
- Hi.
Hi.
- [Applause.]
[Marshall.]
Spike, congratulationson your recent marriage.
Here's your question.
" How many days a week do newlyweds hit it?" - Ha, ha.
Peter? - Yes.
- Peter.
- Yes.
- Peter.
- Hmm? How many times do newlyweds hit it? You mean, "Uh"? You mean how many times does she gotta have it? Huh? You mean how many times do we do the right thing? Huh? How many times does "X" mark the spot? Huh? She gets the Spike Lee joint, like, uh, five times a week.
Uh.
- Spike says five times a week.
- Eww.
I'll disagree.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Good choice.
What do you.
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Get out of here, disagree.
Get out of here.
What are you agreeing on? Get out of here, agreeing.
Uh, Duryl, your pick.
Yeah.
I'll go with the lovelyJackeé.
- [Marshall.]
Jackeé.
- Hey, Peter.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Uh, what would you say is the mostworn out spot in your house? Uh.
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I have to say my "G" spot.
- She says her "G" spot.
- Uh, I'll agree.
- That's right.
And circle gets the square.
- [Bell Dings.]
Becky, it's your turn to choose.
- Uh, yes, I'll go with Robert Guillaume.
- Bob Guillaume.
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- star of television's Benson.
- [Muttering.]
Great show.
Benson.
Okay.
In Alex Haley's Queen, what did the butler say to the Boss? Kiss my black ass, man.
- I'll agree.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Right.
And "X" gets the square.
Duryl, what star will it be now? Uh, I think I'll go with Fred Berry.
Fred Berry, Rerun from the classic What's Happening? - What's new, Fred?- [Applause.]
Not a darn thing.
That's why I'm here shooting East Hollywood Squares.
Yes.
Uh, so, Fred, listen carefully.
Very important question here.
"What's small, purple, and should be examined by a doctor?" Hmm.
I'd have to say.
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Prince.
Prince.
Small, purple and should be examined by a doctor.
Uh, well, do you agree or disagree? - I'll disagree.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
No, that's definitely a correct answer.
Becky, it's your pick.
So.
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I'll go with one of my personal favorites, Shari Belafonte.
I think she's everybody's personal favorite.
- Shari, here's your question.
How big.
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.
- Hi.
Peter.
- Hi, dear.
You look so beautiful.
- How ya doin'? - Dig this.
- [Chuckles.]
The question is.
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"How big is your forehead?" Wow, Peter.
I mean, how dare you, you know? I mean, how dare you? I would never ask someone, you know.
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I mean, dig this.
I would never ask someone how big their forehead was.
All right, Peter? Twelve inches.
- Well, how is it? - Twelve inches.
- Twelve inches? - I'll agree.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
- I'm sorry, Becky.
It's actually 15 inches.
"X" doesn't get the square.
Duryl, it's your turn.
Go get 'em.
Yeah, I'll go with the "D" man himself, all right? The "D" man.
The incredible Dr.
Dre in the house.
- Say, what's up, pal? - Hey, what's up, man.
I know you've been very busy.
I heard you've had quite a few hits lately.
Well, you know, I been heapin' and a-peepin' and a-creepin'.
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and I almost got popped 'cause my beeper kept beepin'.
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so it's time I made my pressure felt.
Now let me creep to the mike like a phantom.
What up? Yeah.
Yeah, man, look.
Y'all can't prove nothin' on me, right? Okay? All right? Can't nobody do a positive I.
D.
On me yet, man.
That wasn't even my gun, "G.
" What's up, up in here, huh? What's up? - Are you ready for the question? - Yeah, come on with it.
Okay.
" How many times should the word 'bitch' be used in a record?" Uh-huh.
Well, what you mean? Single, CD cut, 12-inch, maxi dance version, Loc? - What up? - The single.
Uh-huh.
Well, it depends on the ho.
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I mean, lady.
- Well, take a guess.
- All right.
I would have to say.
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.
Uh.
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Uh, 12,715 times.
- That's give or take 100, money.
- Agree or disagree? Uh, yeah, I'll agree.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Circle gets the square.
- All right, good.
- Yes.
Okay.
- Uh, your turn, dear.
- I'll go with Little Richard to black.
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To block.
[Alarm Sounds.]
[Marshall.]
That is the secret square.
Becky, for the block,and we're going to Little Richard.
Oh, good golly, Miss Molly.
Ooh True or false.
.
.
In London, another name for cigarette is "fag.
" You better shut up and ask me another question.
All right.
That's fair enough.
In your hit song "Tutti Frutti".
.
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we all know Kim Fields is Tutti, but who, exactly, is Frutti? You're gonna make me cut you in half.
Maybe you'll like this one.
I've got another question for you.
Listen carefully.
Other than in the movies Pinocchio and Hook.
.
.
are there any other big fairies in Hollywood? I'll have to say yes.
Ooh Shut up.
- Agree or disagree? - I'll disagree.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
- Oh, no, there are three on the panel right now.
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that are suspect, but anyway.
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.
You should have agreed.
Duryl, you can win it right here.
- So go get 'em.
- Yo, I'll take Little Richard to W-l-N.
Okay.
Listen carefully.
"God created the world in six days.
On the seventh day,what did he do?" He created rock 'n' roll, honey, and then he stole it from me.
He did.
'Cause I'm the creator, the originator of rock 'n' roll.
And you know what? He stole that burnin' bush idea.
I was the one in the mountains burnin'.
Ooh He said God created rock 'n' roll, then stole it from him.
- Do you agree or disagree? - Uh, I'll disagree.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Circle gets the square and the game.
Congratulations to Duryl.
It looks like you're our new champion.
Hey, Kenny, tell Duryl what he's won on East Hollywood Squares.
[Announcer.]
Duryl, you've won one ticket.
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to the smash hit musical Mama, Put Down the Cornbread 'Cause I Wanna Sing.
Thank you, stars.
I'll see you here next time.
Peter Marshall saying bye-bye.
For more fun on East Hollywood Squares, you look for us.
[Chattering.]
I wish that this closing would come soon.
Thanks for joining us tonight, everyone.
Good night! [Theme.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[Continues.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
[Ends.]