Jane the Virgin (2014) s05e15 Episode Script
Chapter Ninety-Six
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, friends.
You'll recall Jane had been working on her newest book for quite some time.
I just had an epiphany about my new book.
I want to turn it into this big multigenerational story with all of the lightness and all of the darkness.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And great news: she was getting good feedback from her mentor Marlene.
I would love to show it to a friend in the industry.
- Really? That would be - Okay, okay, the friend is actually my lover.
(LAUGHS) She's in publishing, and she's a genius.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And Marlene's not the only one with a lover.
Jane and Rafael were back together.
And he proposed.
- Will you marry me? - Yes! - (CRYING) - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Heart-eye emojis, right? But in less happy news, their son Mateo was having a hard time at school.
Mateo is really struggling with his reading.
He is quite far behind the rest of the class.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, and Jane's dad was struggling, too.
See, the fate of his show was in the hands of the studio.
Barry, I need this pickup.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Straight out of a telenovela inside a telenovela! And speaking of remember Rafael's sister Luisa? You know, the one who was in love with Rose, aka our supervillain.
Thank you for accepting this assignment.
Now let's get to work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, Luisa swore her off forever, though recently she seemed to have had a change of heart again.
I even sent someone to watch over you.
"Girl" - Hey, girl, what's up? - I'm in.
What does Rose need me to do? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, and I hate to bring this up, but If you do not help me, something terrible - (CRASH) - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know.
I hope Petra's okay.
Which is where we left off.
When Jane Gloriana Villanueva was 30 years and six months old, her life changed forever.
She gonna be okay? Yes.
Unfortunately.
My mother's like a cockroach.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But that's a month away.
Right now Jane is 30 years and five months old.
And this is more of a hassle.
Her leg's pretty screwed up.
She'll be fine.
I'm just happy you're all right.
You know, when I first woke up after the crash, my first thought was of the girls.
What if I died? Then I realized they'd be fine.
'Cause they have Rafael.
- And you.
As a stepmom.
- Oh Don't you start crying.
I'm trying to stop Too late.
I just realized I'm gonna be a stepmom.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here, now.
What's going on? I want to make sure everything is equal, so the girls feel every bit as important as Mateo.
I also think we should buy two more chairs for the kitchen table, so they don't have to sit on folding chairs every time they come over, like they're company.
And I'm gonna spend time with each of them separately to really get to know them individually.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And learn to tell them apart.
That sounds great, but where is this coming from? We're getting married.
I'm taking on a new role in their life.
And I want to kill this stepmom thing.
Ooh! Oh! Oh, my God! I just realized what I have to do to fix my novel.
I-I've been trying to crack this chapter, and I finally figured it out.
I have to rearrange everything.
I need to go write! - Go! Go write! - Oh! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so write she did.
Because when the muse struck Jane, it struck her hard.
Pretty much punched her in the face.
She had to write.
She couldn't stop.
Though life didn't stop around her.
Hey, good news.
Petra regained some mobility in her fingers.
She even flipped me off this morning.
I just heard the studio loved our This Is Mars pilot.
You want to come to dinner and celebrate? Oh, Dad, I would love to, but I am on such a roll.
Then keep rolling, my brilliant daughter.
Oh, wow.
It's sort of smelly in here.
- Still in the zone.
- Stay there.
I just need to borrow your label maker.
I'm organizing my nursing school courses.
I just registered.
This is so good.
Okay.
I got to go pick up the kids, but I'll read the next chapter as soon as I get back.
Thank you.
Love you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And finally after three weeks, five pizzas, and one and a half showers, Jane finished her novel.
Hallelujah! Ah it's awesome.
I love What? What's this? Uh, my alternate ending.
Let me know which one you think is better.
Uh, what's the difference? That comma.
It completely changes the cadence of the last sentence.
Okay, I vote no comma.
Actually, I might go with the comma.
Okay.
It's done.
Period.
Exclamation point.
Now go send it to Jill.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, Jill.
Marlene's publishing friend.
And lover.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's good, right? I think it's good.
But I also feel strange saying that, like, maybe I'm delusional.
You're not.
It's better than good.
It's great.
Now go take a shower.
It's time.
Have you heard anything about your manuscript? Not yet.
I'm spiraling.
Please don't ask me about it.
Okay, well, yesterday you got mad because I didn't ask.
Yes, I know.
Like I said, I'm spiraling.
Wh-What's going on? Distract me.
Can you take the girls for a few hours today? Raf's showing a house.
I've got back-to-back meetings, and the nannies have some god-awful stomach virus, - so they're banned from the Marbella.
- Of course.
Yes! I am officially ready to step into stepmomming.
Great.
So can I just go over a few rules I've developed with their therapist? Mother-to-stepmother communication.
I love it.
Give me those rules.
(CHUCKLES) Most of it's just common sense.
And only one sweet per day.
Unless it's Friday.
Then they can have an apple and a sweet.
But only after dinner.
And no cheese puffs ever.
I found little orange fingerprints all over my Prada mules.
- Is that it? - Yes.
Why? Do you need more guidance? No.
God, no.
(CHUCKLES) Look, all these boundaries and rules make them feel safe and loved.
Because if they don't, they get manipulative and start to lie.
And their therapist said we need to nip that behavior in the bud.
Got it.
No problem.
- Thank you so much.
- My pleasure! I'm going to finish my shift and get ready to stepmom it up.
(CHUCKLES, EXHALES) What are you doing? I'm stepmomming it up! You're so weird.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Yes, hello.
This is Dr.
Price, your mother's physician.
We need you down here ASAP.
It's fine.
You have my permission to pull the plug.
Ma'am, your mother's not on life support.
- (WOMAN YELLS) - What was that? DR.
PRICE: She just threw another bedpan.
We really need you down here.
Just put her on the phone.
MAGDA: I won't let them do it! In Czech Republic, they put you under.
Next thing you know, your kidneys are being auctioned off on black market.
Mother, what are you talking about? Doctor say I must cut off leg or die.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Geez, how many appendages can this lady lose? Really taking her down to the studs here.
Well, I don't know, Mother, maybe roll the dice.
EXECUTIVE: We don't want to gamble on this pilot.
That's why we're testing it before we send it to the network.
RIVER: So how does this work? Uh, I'm not familiar with the pilot testing process, because my shows always go straight to series.
When they like something, they turn the dial up.
When they dislike something, they turn the dial down.
I told you never to interrupt me while I'm executive producing.
I was just bringing you the coffees - you asked for.
- Never.
All right, but I will take the coffee, since it's here.
Thank you, Girl Rudy.
Take me, Steve.
What does that mean? Looks like the women in the audience love the romance.
And as predicted, the men aren't as interested in the soapy stuff.
BRENDA: The doctor, he might come back.
Then let him watch.
Take off your shirt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Straight men like boobs.
Pilot-testing seems like an airtight method.
Our scientists have finally figured out - Oh, I love this scene.
- Oh, me, too.
We're perfectly calibrated.
Excuse me, can you check to see if the dials are broken? Oh, thank God.
Never mind.
Our passionate lovemaking has healed my wounds.
STEVE: Who needs doctors? EXECUTIVE: Great test.
We're really happy.
- I'd change a few music cues.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Got it.
And then let's get it over to the network for the weekend.
Sounds good.
That was a disaster.
What are you talking about? The test scores were through the roof.
For those two fetuses, not for us.
If the network sees these scores, they're gonna want to make the show all about those two mildly talented Mini-Me's and we're gonna get sidelined.
- What? - Yes.
Well, that can't happen.
This is our show.
We're the stars.
Exactly.
So we're gonna go back into editing and make sure we stand out more.
Otherwise, they're gonna turn us into side characters whose scenes get shorter and shorter, until they're cutting us off mid Some mandarin oranges for your Mandarin homework.
We're actually done with our homework.
Yeah.
Can we have 20 minutes of iPad time? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which one of Petra's 800 rules covered that? Well, uh just give me a minute to think about that.
Hey, are you texting our mom? What? No.
Of course not.
I'm just, uh considering the request.
You know weighing the pros and cons.
Really deliberating.
I think it was, um, Henry David Thoreau who said, "To live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life" (PHONE BEEPS) Anyway, after much deliberation, the answer is no.
Okay.
We'll just go play in our room.
- (EXHALES) - (RINGTONE PLAYING) Oh.
Marlene? Jane, hi.
Listen, I loved your novel.
Oh, my God.
Really? Yes, it totally delivered.
It's as amazing as I knew it would be.
Thank you.
Uh, that's great to hear.
But unfortunately, Jill passed on it.
She's not going to represent you.
It means that my novel was rejected, Abuela.
The agent doesn't want to represent me.
But you know what? I'm actually fine, optimistic even.
According to Marlene, Jill loved the writing but just didn't know how to market it, which means that she just wasn't the right fit for me, but there are plenty of other agents out there, and I'm going to get my manuscript to every last one of them.
(CHUCKLES) Abuela? No, I'm printing, and I have to keep printing, so I'll call you later.
- Love you.
- (VIDEO GAME NOISES) Hey.
What's going on? BOTH: Hey, Aunt Jane.
Don't "hey, Aunt Jane" me.
You're playing with your iPad when I specifically told you that you couldn't.
Now hand them over.
Sorry.
It won't happen again.
Okay, then, but you don't get 'em after dinner.
Deal? Deal.
Do you have shrimp cocktail? Maybe with a side of soy-braised baby back ribs? I have chicken nuggets.
Low-sodium at least? Absolutely.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Look at that.
Super Stepmom in the house.
PETRA: Everything go okay with the girls? Yeah.
For the most part, it was smooth sailing.
Wh-What do you mean "for the most part"? Well, we did have a minor issue, but I handled it.
What happened? I need to know all the details.
It's important.
Okay, but please don't tell them that I told you because we're really starting to bond.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also bonding Okay, girl, let's go over the details one more time.
Oh, don't worry, I've got it.
I'm just gonna go to Rafael, and I'm gonna beg him for the tie tack.
Simple pimple.
Exactly.
I wish I could do it.
If I could, I would.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And in fact, he tried.
No problem.
But why does Rose want the tie tack? Do you know? One step at a time.
But she does have a plan, right? Rose always has a plan, and the tie tack is phase two.
- (SCREAMING) - ROGELIO: Pause! Okay, that was a very sexy scream, but there was a slight downward turn in the corners of River's mouth at the end of the shot.
Totally true.
Can we trim off about two and a half frames? Well, yeah, sure, but, look, if you guys want me to tweak every single frame, we'll be here all night.
Good point, Mia.
Let's check in with our loved ones and tell them it's gonna be an all-nighter.
Geez What is it, Rogelio? We're seeing you in less than an hour.
ROGELIO: Darci, listen, what is the one thing in the world you love more than Baby? When you owe me a favor.
Exactly.
And, boy, am I gonna owe you a big one.
I'm on a time crunch at work.
Can we pretty please swap Baby days? Again? Esteban is going on a yoga retreat tomorrow, and tonight was couples time.
Darci, please, my pilot hangs in the balance.
(SIGHS) Fine, but I'm not gonna forget about this favor.
Oh, you're a lifesaver.
Thank Esteban, and tell Baby I love her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(GROANS) Rogelio is such a Ah, ah, ah.
JANE: Crap.
What's wrong? Uh just got another rejection letter.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Geez, it's 7:00 a.
m.
Let the girl have a cup of coffee first.
I'm sorry.
I can get off work early and pick up the girls so you don't have to.
No, no, no, life goes on, and I still have plenty of agents to hear from, and me and the girls are making real progress.
You tattled on us! ELLIE: That's so lame.
New name: Lame Jane.
- No, stop.
- Stop what, Lame Jane? I only told your mother what happened because we're all on one team.
Team twins, huh? Go team! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yikes.
Pretty lame, Jane.
Snitches get stitches.
And end up in ditches.
We don't hang out with narcs.
What Hey, no, girls, come back here right now.
Um, excuse me.
Stop it! My luggage! Wh Are you their nanny? You need to get control of them.
Just because I'm Latina doesn't mean that I'm their nanny.
- Yeah, she's not our nanny.
- Huh.
She's our evil stepmother, and we hate her.
- Hurry up and get ready for dinner, girls.
- So how was it? - Well, not great.
- What happened? What happened is that you told them what I told you, and now they think I'm a big tattletale.
NARRATOR: In their defense, you're tattling right now.
Who cares? This isn't middle school, it's parenting.
You said you weren't gonna say anything.
Well, I changed my mind, because I'm their mother, and it's my job to decide what's best for them.
And, frankly, you shouldn't have asked me not to say something in the first place.
Got it? Fine.
Okay.
Got it.
Thank you.
So any incidents to report today? Yes, we did have an issue.
They ran away because they were upset with me.
Thank you.
Girls, get out here! Jane told me what you did! NARRATOR: And speaking of fractured relationships.
Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it.
Just go.
Wait, wait, wait! I understand how you feel and why.
And after this, I will leave you alone forever.
But I have no family left, and I just wanted something small of Dad's before I go.
What is it? It's this gold and onyx tie tack.
It's not worth much, but it's got sentimental value to me.
Dad wore it to my med school graduation, and I could I could really use a reminder of a time in my life when I was worthy of my family's love and respect.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow, she's good.
I got it.
Well, I, um, I have the tie tack, so you know what I'll do? - What? - Take it straight to the police, because if you want it, then it probably has something to do with Rose.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow, guess he's better.
Raf, please, don't.
ROGELIO: Push in on that look.
Now pull out on both of us.
RIVER: Oh, my God, we look amazing.
We're popping so much.
We're like a thousand champagne corks exploding at once.
And we're done.
Okay, now let's send this new tape to the studio to get to the network.
Girl Rudy, we need you to get the new cut to the studio ASAP.
Oh, I already did.
What are you talking about? The network said it had to be in by 3:00, so the studio told me to deliver the latest cut.
Why didn't you tell me that? You said never to interrupt you when you're executive producing.
ROGELIO: Call the network right now and tell them that a new cut is on the way.
I can't.
They're at a corporate retreat and unreachable.
That's why it needed to be in by 3:00.
That makes three.
Three rejections just today.
Hey, it only takes one, right? That's what I keep telling myself, but I think I need one of Dad's famous "fight for your art" pep talks.
- Ah! - Oh, good, you're home.
Rogelio, tell Jane what it's like finally getting to work on your passion project.
Oh.
Sure.
Well, it's, uh, horrible.
My career is over.
I might as well quit.
Why? Because your daughter needs a pep talk.
She got a few more rejection letters.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You have to believe in yourself, Jane.
That is the most important thing.
The crazy thing is, is I actually do.
I think that there is an agent out there who will love my book, but my manuscript's not even getting to their desks.
- How do you know? - I worked in publishing.
I'm getting form letter rejections from assistants.
The last one was addressed to "Jake Villanuts.
" (STIFLED LAUGH) (CLEARS THROAT) H-Have you heard back from everyone? Well, not Isabel Allende's agent, but there's no way that my book is getting even near her.
Unless you get it near her.
Did I ever tell you how I got this scar? I'll make some tea.
Remember your health, Rogelio.
Keep calm.
Of course.
I'm perfectly calm.
So, calmly.
When I was a young actor in Mexico City, Alejandro González Iñárritu was directing a movie about a hobo who through sheer handsomeness becomes the richest oil tycoon in the world.
So I dressed as a homeless man and waited along the route Iñárritu took every day to work.
Then I saw his car, so I ran into traffic with a bucket and a squeegee.
(GASPS) That's how you got your scar? You got hit by a car while method auditioning? No.
Iñárritu didn't recognize me and threatened to call the police.
But I didn't give up.
The next day, I went to Iñárritu's house and hand-delivered my headshot to Iñárritu's girlfriend.
She was very nice and invited me inside.
Then one thing led to another, and let's just say that when Iñárritu got home, I had to jump out the window.
And that's how you got your scar? No.
I'm incredibly agile and landed on my feet, right in the middle of Iñárritu's guard dogs.
- So you were bitten? - No.
I used my incredible cunning and a little hypnosis and got away, and then Iñárritu found my headshot under his pillow.
- And then you got the part? - No.
Actually, Iñárritu banned me from his sets for life.
But the rumor of our feud got a ton of coverage in the Mexican tabloids, and all of that attention got me an audition for The Passions of Santos, which then launched my career.
So you see, Jane, when you have a dream, you never give up.
So how did you get the scar? Oh, oh (CHUCKLES) I cut myself while framing an issue of People en Español about the scandal.
Well, it was the first time I saw my name in print.
I still remember the headline.
"Crazed D-Lister Stalks Iñárritu.
" The point is, I didn't throw in the towel when things got hard.
Hmm.
Dad, you just came in here and said you were giving up, that your career was over.
Well, I was wrong.
I'm not giving up.
And neither will you, Jake Villanuts.
- (SNORTS) - Now tell me.
How badly do you want your manuscript read by this agent? I want it with everything that I am.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
- I have a plan.
- I am not going to break into the agent's house and put my manuscript under her pillow.
Okay then.
I have a plan B.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Planning a covert operation requires stealth and discipline and Moo Shu pork, yum.
That was fantastic.
Okay.
Let's synchronize our watches.
And go over the plan one more time.
- (WATCHES CLICK) - The agent leaves at 5:00 p.
m.
on Fridays with her weekend reading.
At 4:40, you're gonna enter the building - disguised as a delivery person.
- And I tell security, "I have a package for the fifth floor.
" At 4:48, you're gonna enter the agent's office and you're gonna use your decoy box to knock over the stack of manuscripts.
And as I help pick up the fallen papers, I slide my manuscript on the top of her pile - for her weekend reading.
- By the end of the day, the agent takes your novel home.
Boom.
Dad, you are amazing.
But the mission isn't accomplished yet.
To make it happen by the weekend, - we have to move quickly.
- Mm-hmm.
(PHONE BEEPS) Rudy! Get me props, stat.
I also need wardrobe and makeup.
My daughter needs a great disguise.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
That's a really great disguise.
Did Rogelio call Rose's mask maker? Oh.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING) - There she is.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, I booked a last-minute showing that I need to be at, like, five minutes ago.
And I know I said I would pick up the girls, but I can't.
And the nanny's still sick and Petra's in a meeting and I should really be in there with her and I It's just, uh, I'm kind of in the middle of a business thing.
- Wait, what business thing? - A none-of-your-business thing.
Nothing, never mind, I'll pick up the girls.
- No, Jane.
What about the plan? - ROGELIO: Don't worry.
I've got one.
Our cut needs to get to the network.
We've worked too hard to get this project off the ground.
My younger self would not have given up and neither will I.
Agreed.
But what does that have to do with those hideous things? I found out that every year the network execs watch all their pilots at a remote wilderness lodge.
No phones, no computers.
- No audience testing.
- But how will they know that straight men like boobs? It's just the top brass in a screening room.
Totally off the grid.
But here's the grid.
The lodge is here surrounded by some swamp.
So we'll need waders and camouflage fishing vests.
The waders will help us to safely traverse the terrain.
And the fishing vests will have pockets for all our needs.
I wanted to get us self-destructing burner phones, but Rudy said those aren't real, so I just got us regular boring burner phones.
We will wade in through the swamp, slip into the screening room while they're at lunch, swap out the tape and no one will ever know.
Are you in? There is no way in hell she's gonna I am so in.
Wow.
Okay.
We cannot let them keep on shifting the focus younger and younger and younger.
- What are we doing here? - JANE: I just have to make a quick delivery and then we'll be out of here.
What kind of delivery? Are you a secret drug runner? No.
No, I just just my book.
And I've been working on it for the past year.
Actually, years.
I've worked on it for years and I need to get it to somebody to read it.
Then what's with the off-brand polo? You look like a caddy.
It's complicated.
And I know you're still mad at me for tattling, but right now I need you both to be on your best behavior.
What's in it for us? Here's the thing: nothing is in it for you.
Because you don't do something for someone just to get something.
I'm asking you for your help as your future stepmom who loves you.
We need to hurry.
Please.
Just act natural.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Delivery lady.
Just, uh, making some deliveries.
Per the yuj.
What up? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, very natural, Jane.
(JANE SIGHS) Okay, you stay here and, uh, hide behind that plant while I take a delivery box.
- Shoot, the box.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS) Left it in the car.
Uh, it's fine.
- I-I can go get it.
- ELLIE: Why do you need a box? Because she's pretending to be a delivery person to get past security.
- Obvi.
- GUARD: Excuse me, ma'am.
- Can I help you? - Uh-oh.
Looks like this plan is set to self-destruct in three, two, one.
- What is your business here? - Lose the badge.
Excuse me? Don't you know who our mother is? ELLIE: Anna and Ellie Beedham.
Her assistant said she was calling ahead.
She is so fired.
- So fired.
- GUARD: Wait, stop.
Let's not fire anyone.
It could have been me.
Now, what floor did you say you're going to? The 26th.
Beedham.
And you are? I'm their nanny.
Got it.
(GASPS) Thank you so much, girls, that was amazing.
A-And real quick it's okay that I told him that I was your nanny because I was using his bias against him.
So it was subversive.
Huh? Do you know what that means? Of course we do.
We're not idiots.
(DOORBELL RINGS) What the hell are you wearing? Oh, I'm trying on clothes.
F-For a work thing.
- What are you doing here? - (EXHALES) I'm on my way to New York.
Two of my clients are on the brink of divorce so I have to do an emergency counseling session and Esteban is away.
So I need you to take Baby - for the next two days.
- Oh.
Oh, but I-I-I, I-I have a, a-a very - big - And totally insane work thing, yeah.
The fate of my show hangs Rogelio.
I just covered your ass and now I need you to cover mine.
You said it yourself.
You owe me.
Prioritize your daughter.
I do prioritize her.
No, you haven't been lately.
You've been prioritizing work.
These are the moments, Rogelio.
You won't get them back.
Baby won't be a baby forever.
Of course I'll take her.
Thank you.
And, uh, a little advice.
Whatever Duck Dynasty is offering, it's not worth it; you look absurd.
Wha (SCOFFS) - (BABY COOS) - I know.
The idea that I could look absurd is absurd.
Mwah.
Yeah.
River? There has been a change of plans.
Wait, what happened with their plan? (ALL SCREAM EXCITEDLY) (LAUGHS) I can't believe that worked! - Oh, yay.
- Did you see that? I just put the manuscript right on top of the pile.
We'll lie for you any time, Aunt Jane.
Okay (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Wait, I (GROANS) Uh I-I did that because it was a last resort.
But that was wrong and I really shouldn't have lied and pretended to be somebody else and I definitely shouldn't have dragged you into this.
So as punishment, I get no iPad for a week.
I'm serious.
And I want you both to enforce it.
If you catch me even looking at one, I want you to take it away.
(GIRLS GIGGLING) I really hope that agent reads your book.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(LAUGHS) Mm.
I think this is it.
My last shot.
What? If the agent likes my book - She will.
- I hope so.
That would be everything.
But if not then I need to move on.
To the next chapter of my life.
You mean, give up writing? Not give up.
Just look at it more like a hobby, less of a career.
- That feels like giving up.
- No.
No, it feels like I'm being realistic.
I mean, my dad guaranteed my last book.
And with this one I mean I'm proud of what I wrote.
It's what I wanted to write.
But if I can't sell it, then I need to find another way to make money.
And contribute.
And leave the Marbella, which I always say I will, but I keep ending up back there and I want to get out so badly.
Yeah, I get that.
I just hope she loves your book.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(SIGHS) Which brings us, friends, to the morning when Jane turned 30 years and six months old.
The day her life changed forever.
Good morning.
Isabel Allende's agent read my book (VOICE BREAKING): and she passed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You okay? It's just, uh I kept reminding myself how hard it was to get out of the pile.
But I did.
And my work was read.
But it wasn't good enough.
So (INHALES) I have to move on.
No, you don't.
- I have to be realistic.
- Why? Because it's time.
I gave myself one more book.
- It's time.
- MATEO: I really love - your book, Mommy.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks, Mr.
Sweetface.
MATEO (SLOWLY): Our story be gins Mateo, that is the opening line of my book! You just read that! - I read it! - You read! - (LAUGHS) - (SHOUTS) See? Something good already came from it.
Ew! No more kissing.
More reading.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You got it.
"'I want to run faster, ' he said to the cow.
'But I'm a slow turtle, and I don't know how.
'" (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISPERS): Yeah (GRUNTS, GASPS) And, friends, that's when Oh, my God.
My baby Baby's walking.
You did it.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe this.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) You know what? Let's not take this.
Let's just enjoy our time together and take selfies.
Okay? The girls told me what you had them do.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe they tattled on me.
It's not funny, Jane.
How could you not tell me about this? Because I handled it.
The girls are never gonna trust me if I tell you every single thing.
Oh, well, too bad.
I'm their mother.
Yes, you're their mother, but I'm not their nanny.
You can't just hand out orders to me.
I didn't plan to involve the girls, it just kind of happened, and I'm sorry, I really am.
But I made sure the girls knew that it was wrong.
- Uh - And I'm gonna work really hard to make sure that they follow through with their therapy, but I need to have my own relationship with them.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: For the record, they would have their own relationship, one of the most trying relationships - of Jane's life.
- (GIRLS SNICKERING) But I'm getting ahead of myself.
So no, I-I'm not going to tell you everything, but like you said, the most important thing is that they feel safe and loved, which they do now, with me.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) - Hello? - PRICE (OVER PHONE): This is Dr.
Price.
We amputated your mother's leg, but she's taken a turn for the worse.
Sorry to have to tell you this, but she's now on life support.
I told you before, you can pull the plug.
Actually, you need to put that in writing.
I did put it in writing.
A text with a plug emoji and a thumbs-up doesn't count.
You need to do it in person.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I need to go to the hospital to unplug my mother.
Let's continue this in the car.
Finally.
Got it.
My father's watch? The watch has nothing to do with it.
It's what's inside.
A fingerprint? Your father's.
Which means we can open it.
Open ? Holy Oh, yeah.
It's go time, girl.
They always look so peaceful, don't they? Before they cross over? Mm? Oh, yeah.
She looks great.
So should we get this show on the road? Excuse me? Unplug her? This is very uh painful, uh, so, sooner the better.
I understand.
I'll get the paperwork, give you a chance to say goodbye to your mother.
Perfect.
You can hold her hand.
Awesome.
Thank you.
(MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY) You okay? Is it done? No, not yet.
I just needed to get out of there.
It's okay to feel sad.
I do.
Because I feel nothing for her.
I was standing over her body trying to remind myself of some of the good things she's done, but I couldn't.
She was a horrible, selfish, evil person, and growing up with her was awful.
I know.
And you don't have to cry for your mother.
You can cry for yourself because you deserved better.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
(EXHALES) She's the reason I'm so strict with the girls.
If even some of her genes passed down to them Stop.
The twins are great.
- They lie.
- Oh, all kids lie.
They're just smarter than most.
But they're gonna be all right because they have you.
And Rafael, and me.
And we're a team.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't say it.
Team Twins.
Lame Jane strikes again.
- They told you, huh? - Yes.
(LAUGHS) - Hey.
You okay? - Yes, I am.
- You didn't have to come.
- Oh, stop.
We are family.
(PHONE VIBRATING) (SPEAKING QUIETLY) Hello? And, friends, I did say her life would change forever.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Who was that? - An agent.
A really big one.
- And? She wants to represent me.
- Jane! - What?! - Jane! - Yes! - Yes! - (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, Jane, that's amazing.
Um - Oh - RIVER: I'm really sorry.
I couldn't get the tape.
I tried to, trust me.
- What happened, did the map not work? - No.
I wasn't gonna go into that swamp alone.
I sent PJ.
- Who's PJ? - Girl Rudy.
But she couldn't pull it off.
And between you and me, I don't even know how hard she tried.
Well, you know what? I-I actually think - it's for the best.
- What are you talking about? Well, the first cut was actually really good.
And maybe right now, for where I am in my life, not being the star is a good thing.
What, are you having a stroke? You're not making any sense.
I know, it's crazy.
All right, but I But today, I-I got to see my daughter walk for the first time.
And I would have missed that, just like I missed Jane's first steps, and I don't want to.
And I had a health scare, and, well, all of that made me realize that I am ready for the next phase in my life.
I am okay being sidelined just a little, becoming one of the standout supporting characters that people look forward to, the one who goes on to win Teen Choice Awards the spice, not the dish so I can enjoy other parts of my life.
Well, that's great.
That's just perfect.
Oh, come on.
Aren't you ready to slow down, just a little? And focus on what? It's different for you.
You've got these great relationships with your daughters.
Whereas mine barely even speaks to me.
You have a daughter? Yes.
In fact, you've met her.
Excuse me? She's our P.
A.
(GASPS) Girl Rudy? Yeah.
PJ.
The P is for Pond.
Pond Juniper Fields.
Why didn't you tell me? She doesn't want people to know.
That's why I'm mean to her.
She wants to be treated like everyone else.
Wow, I can't believe it.
Well, it's true.
She hates me.
That's why I bury myself in my work, so I don't have to face the fact that I failed as a mother.
Well, you know what? I can help you win her back.
- No, it's too late.
- Don't say that.
I reconnected with Jane when she was 23 and a half.
And the connection between a mother and a daughter is so sacred.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well sometimes.
Mother, I wish your life had been easier.
And therefore, my life had been easier.
Soon, you'll be in a better place.
Or not.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Did Magda just squeeze her hand? Talk about a death grip.
I'll just sign with the other hand.
Not quite ready to let go.
C-Can I have a proxy sign for me? Jane, Raf? Either one of you? (MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY) There's activity.
It's a miracle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's alive! We should order flowers.
- For Magda? - No.
For Petra.
I have a suggestion for flowers.
Now that everything is in place, we can move forward.
Is everyone ready? How about a half dozen roses?
You'll recall Jane had been working on her newest book for quite some time.
I just had an epiphany about my new book.
I want to turn it into this big multigenerational story with all of the lightness and all of the darkness.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And great news: she was getting good feedback from her mentor Marlene.
I would love to show it to a friend in the industry.
- Really? That would be - Okay, okay, the friend is actually my lover.
(LAUGHS) She's in publishing, and she's a genius.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And Marlene's not the only one with a lover.
Jane and Rafael were back together.
And he proposed.
- Will you marry me? - Yes! - (CRYING) - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Heart-eye emojis, right? But in less happy news, their son Mateo was having a hard time at school.
Mateo is really struggling with his reading.
He is quite far behind the rest of the class.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, and Jane's dad was struggling, too.
See, the fate of his show was in the hands of the studio.
Barry, I need this pickup.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Straight out of a telenovela inside a telenovela! And speaking of remember Rafael's sister Luisa? You know, the one who was in love with Rose, aka our supervillain.
Thank you for accepting this assignment.
Now let's get to work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, Luisa swore her off forever, though recently she seemed to have had a change of heart again.
I even sent someone to watch over you.
"Girl" - Hey, girl, what's up? - I'm in.
What does Rose need me to do? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, and I hate to bring this up, but If you do not help me, something terrible - (CRASH) - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know.
I hope Petra's okay.
Which is where we left off.
When Jane Gloriana Villanueva was 30 years and six months old, her life changed forever.
She gonna be okay? Yes.
Unfortunately.
My mother's like a cockroach.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But that's a month away.
Right now Jane is 30 years and five months old.
And this is more of a hassle.
Her leg's pretty screwed up.
She'll be fine.
I'm just happy you're all right.
You know, when I first woke up after the crash, my first thought was of the girls.
What if I died? Then I realized they'd be fine.
'Cause they have Rafael.
- And you.
As a stepmom.
- Oh Don't you start crying.
I'm trying to stop Too late.
I just realized I'm gonna be a stepmom.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here, now.
What's going on? I want to make sure everything is equal, so the girls feel every bit as important as Mateo.
I also think we should buy two more chairs for the kitchen table, so they don't have to sit on folding chairs every time they come over, like they're company.
And I'm gonna spend time with each of them separately to really get to know them individually.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And learn to tell them apart.
That sounds great, but where is this coming from? We're getting married.
I'm taking on a new role in their life.
And I want to kill this stepmom thing.
Ooh! Oh! Oh, my God! I just realized what I have to do to fix my novel.
I-I've been trying to crack this chapter, and I finally figured it out.
I have to rearrange everything.
I need to go write! - Go! Go write! - Oh! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so write she did.
Because when the muse struck Jane, it struck her hard.
Pretty much punched her in the face.
She had to write.
She couldn't stop.
Though life didn't stop around her.
Hey, good news.
Petra regained some mobility in her fingers.
She even flipped me off this morning.
I just heard the studio loved our This Is Mars pilot.
You want to come to dinner and celebrate? Oh, Dad, I would love to, but I am on such a roll.
Then keep rolling, my brilliant daughter.
Oh, wow.
It's sort of smelly in here.
- Still in the zone.
- Stay there.
I just need to borrow your label maker.
I'm organizing my nursing school courses.
I just registered.
This is so good.
Okay.
I got to go pick up the kids, but I'll read the next chapter as soon as I get back.
Thank you.
Love you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And finally after three weeks, five pizzas, and one and a half showers, Jane finished her novel.
Hallelujah! Ah it's awesome.
I love What? What's this? Uh, my alternate ending.
Let me know which one you think is better.
Uh, what's the difference? That comma.
It completely changes the cadence of the last sentence.
Okay, I vote no comma.
Actually, I might go with the comma.
Okay.
It's done.
Period.
Exclamation point.
Now go send it to Jill.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, Jill.
Marlene's publishing friend.
And lover.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's good, right? I think it's good.
But I also feel strange saying that, like, maybe I'm delusional.
You're not.
It's better than good.
It's great.
Now go take a shower.
It's time.
Have you heard anything about your manuscript? Not yet.
I'm spiraling.
Please don't ask me about it.
Okay, well, yesterday you got mad because I didn't ask.
Yes, I know.
Like I said, I'm spiraling.
Wh-What's going on? Distract me.
Can you take the girls for a few hours today? Raf's showing a house.
I've got back-to-back meetings, and the nannies have some god-awful stomach virus, - so they're banned from the Marbella.
- Of course.
Yes! I am officially ready to step into stepmomming.
Great.
So can I just go over a few rules I've developed with their therapist? Mother-to-stepmother communication.
I love it.
Give me those rules.
(CHUCKLES) Most of it's just common sense.
And only one sweet per day.
Unless it's Friday.
Then they can have an apple and a sweet.
But only after dinner.
And no cheese puffs ever.
I found little orange fingerprints all over my Prada mules.
- Is that it? - Yes.
Why? Do you need more guidance? No.
God, no.
(CHUCKLES) Look, all these boundaries and rules make them feel safe and loved.
Because if they don't, they get manipulative and start to lie.
And their therapist said we need to nip that behavior in the bud.
Got it.
No problem.
- Thank you so much.
- My pleasure! I'm going to finish my shift and get ready to stepmom it up.
(CHUCKLES, EXHALES) What are you doing? I'm stepmomming it up! You're so weird.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Yes, hello.
This is Dr.
Price, your mother's physician.
We need you down here ASAP.
It's fine.
You have my permission to pull the plug.
Ma'am, your mother's not on life support.
- (WOMAN YELLS) - What was that? DR.
PRICE: She just threw another bedpan.
We really need you down here.
Just put her on the phone.
MAGDA: I won't let them do it! In Czech Republic, they put you under.
Next thing you know, your kidneys are being auctioned off on black market.
Mother, what are you talking about? Doctor say I must cut off leg or die.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Geez, how many appendages can this lady lose? Really taking her down to the studs here.
Well, I don't know, Mother, maybe roll the dice.
EXECUTIVE: We don't want to gamble on this pilot.
That's why we're testing it before we send it to the network.
RIVER: So how does this work? Uh, I'm not familiar with the pilot testing process, because my shows always go straight to series.
When they like something, they turn the dial up.
When they dislike something, they turn the dial down.
I told you never to interrupt me while I'm executive producing.
I was just bringing you the coffees - you asked for.
- Never.
All right, but I will take the coffee, since it's here.
Thank you, Girl Rudy.
Take me, Steve.
What does that mean? Looks like the women in the audience love the romance.
And as predicted, the men aren't as interested in the soapy stuff.
BRENDA: The doctor, he might come back.
Then let him watch.
Take off your shirt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Straight men like boobs.
Pilot-testing seems like an airtight method.
Our scientists have finally figured out - Oh, I love this scene.
- Oh, me, too.
We're perfectly calibrated.
Excuse me, can you check to see if the dials are broken? Oh, thank God.
Never mind.
Our passionate lovemaking has healed my wounds.
STEVE: Who needs doctors? EXECUTIVE: Great test.
We're really happy.
- I'd change a few music cues.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Got it.
And then let's get it over to the network for the weekend.
Sounds good.
That was a disaster.
What are you talking about? The test scores were through the roof.
For those two fetuses, not for us.
If the network sees these scores, they're gonna want to make the show all about those two mildly talented Mini-Me's and we're gonna get sidelined.
- What? - Yes.
Well, that can't happen.
This is our show.
We're the stars.
Exactly.
So we're gonna go back into editing and make sure we stand out more.
Otherwise, they're gonna turn us into side characters whose scenes get shorter and shorter, until they're cutting us off mid Some mandarin oranges for your Mandarin homework.
We're actually done with our homework.
Yeah.
Can we have 20 minutes of iPad time? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which one of Petra's 800 rules covered that? Well, uh just give me a minute to think about that.
Hey, are you texting our mom? What? No.
Of course not.
I'm just, uh considering the request.
You know weighing the pros and cons.
Really deliberating.
I think it was, um, Henry David Thoreau who said, "To live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life" (PHONE BEEPS) Anyway, after much deliberation, the answer is no.
Okay.
We'll just go play in our room.
- (EXHALES) - (RINGTONE PLAYING) Oh.
Marlene? Jane, hi.
Listen, I loved your novel.
Oh, my God.
Really? Yes, it totally delivered.
It's as amazing as I knew it would be.
Thank you.
Uh, that's great to hear.
But unfortunately, Jill passed on it.
She's not going to represent you.
It means that my novel was rejected, Abuela.
The agent doesn't want to represent me.
But you know what? I'm actually fine, optimistic even.
According to Marlene, Jill loved the writing but just didn't know how to market it, which means that she just wasn't the right fit for me, but there are plenty of other agents out there, and I'm going to get my manuscript to every last one of them.
(CHUCKLES) Abuela? No, I'm printing, and I have to keep printing, so I'll call you later.
- Love you.
- (VIDEO GAME NOISES) Hey.
What's going on? BOTH: Hey, Aunt Jane.
Don't "hey, Aunt Jane" me.
You're playing with your iPad when I specifically told you that you couldn't.
Now hand them over.
Sorry.
It won't happen again.
Okay, then, but you don't get 'em after dinner.
Deal? Deal.
Do you have shrimp cocktail? Maybe with a side of soy-braised baby back ribs? I have chicken nuggets.
Low-sodium at least? Absolutely.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Look at that.
Super Stepmom in the house.
PETRA: Everything go okay with the girls? Yeah.
For the most part, it was smooth sailing.
Wh-What do you mean "for the most part"? Well, we did have a minor issue, but I handled it.
What happened? I need to know all the details.
It's important.
Okay, but please don't tell them that I told you because we're really starting to bond.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also bonding Okay, girl, let's go over the details one more time.
Oh, don't worry, I've got it.
I'm just gonna go to Rafael, and I'm gonna beg him for the tie tack.
Simple pimple.
Exactly.
I wish I could do it.
If I could, I would.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And in fact, he tried.
No problem.
But why does Rose want the tie tack? Do you know? One step at a time.
But she does have a plan, right? Rose always has a plan, and the tie tack is phase two.
- (SCREAMING) - ROGELIO: Pause! Okay, that was a very sexy scream, but there was a slight downward turn in the corners of River's mouth at the end of the shot.
Totally true.
Can we trim off about two and a half frames? Well, yeah, sure, but, look, if you guys want me to tweak every single frame, we'll be here all night.
Good point, Mia.
Let's check in with our loved ones and tell them it's gonna be an all-nighter.
Geez What is it, Rogelio? We're seeing you in less than an hour.
ROGELIO: Darci, listen, what is the one thing in the world you love more than Baby? When you owe me a favor.
Exactly.
And, boy, am I gonna owe you a big one.
I'm on a time crunch at work.
Can we pretty please swap Baby days? Again? Esteban is going on a yoga retreat tomorrow, and tonight was couples time.
Darci, please, my pilot hangs in the balance.
(SIGHS) Fine, but I'm not gonna forget about this favor.
Oh, you're a lifesaver.
Thank Esteban, and tell Baby I love her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(GROANS) Rogelio is such a Ah, ah, ah.
JANE: Crap.
What's wrong? Uh just got another rejection letter.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Geez, it's 7:00 a.
m.
Let the girl have a cup of coffee first.
I'm sorry.
I can get off work early and pick up the girls so you don't have to.
No, no, no, life goes on, and I still have plenty of agents to hear from, and me and the girls are making real progress.
You tattled on us! ELLIE: That's so lame.
New name: Lame Jane.
- No, stop.
- Stop what, Lame Jane? I only told your mother what happened because we're all on one team.
Team twins, huh? Go team! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yikes.
Pretty lame, Jane.
Snitches get stitches.
And end up in ditches.
We don't hang out with narcs.
What Hey, no, girls, come back here right now.
Um, excuse me.
Stop it! My luggage! Wh Are you their nanny? You need to get control of them.
Just because I'm Latina doesn't mean that I'm their nanny.
- Yeah, she's not our nanny.
- Huh.
She's our evil stepmother, and we hate her.
- Hurry up and get ready for dinner, girls.
- So how was it? - Well, not great.
- What happened? What happened is that you told them what I told you, and now they think I'm a big tattletale.
NARRATOR: In their defense, you're tattling right now.
Who cares? This isn't middle school, it's parenting.
You said you weren't gonna say anything.
Well, I changed my mind, because I'm their mother, and it's my job to decide what's best for them.
And, frankly, you shouldn't have asked me not to say something in the first place.
Got it? Fine.
Okay.
Got it.
Thank you.
So any incidents to report today? Yes, we did have an issue.
They ran away because they were upset with me.
Thank you.
Girls, get out here! Jane told me what you did! NARRATOR: And speaking of fractured relationships.
Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it.
Just go.
Wait, wait, wait! I understand how you feel and why.
And after this, I will leave you alone forever.
But I have no family left, and I just wanted something small of Dad's before I go.
What is it? It's this gold and onyx tie tack.
It's not worth much, but it's got sentimental value to me.
Dad wore it to my med school graduation, and I could I could really use a reminder of a time in my life when I was worthy of my family's love and respect.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow, she's good.
I got it.
Well, I, um, I have the tie tack, so you know what I'll do? - What? - Take it straight to the police, because if you want it, then it probably has something to do with Rose.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow, guess he's better.
Raf, please, don't.
ROGELIO: Push in on that look.
Now pull out on both of us.
RIVER: Oh, my God, we look amazing.
We're popping so much.
We're like a thousand champagne corks exploding at once.
And we're done.
Okay, now let's send this new tape to the studio to get to the network.
Girl Rudy, we need you to get the new cut to the studio ASAP.
Oh, I already did.
What are you talking about? The network said it had to be in by 3:00, so the studio told me to deliver the latest cut.
Why didn't you tell me that? You said never to interrupt you when you're executive producing.
ROGELIO: Call the network right now and tell them that a new cut is on the way.
I can't.
They're at a corporate retreat and unreachable.
That's why it needed to be in by 3:00.
That makes three.
Three rejections just today.
Hey, it only takes one, right? That's what I keep telling myself, but I think I need one of Dad's famous "fight for your art" pep talks.
- Ah! - Oh, good, you're home.
Rogelio, tell Jane what it's like finally getting to work on your passion project.
Oh.
Sure.
Well, it's, uh, horrible.
My career is over.
I might as well quit.
Why? Because your daughter needs a pep talk.
She got a few more rejection letters.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You have to believe in yourself, Jane.
That is the most important thing.
The crazy thing is, is I actually do.
I think that there is an agent out there who will love my book, but my manuscript's not even getting to their desks.
- How do you know? - I worked in publishing.
I'm getting form letter rejections from assistants.
The last one was addressed to "Jake Villanuts.
" (STIFLED LAUGH) (CLEARS THROAT) H-Have you heard back from everyone? Well, not Isabel Allende's agent, but there's no way that my book is getting even near her.
Unless you get it near her.
Did I ever tell you how I got this scar? I'll make some tea.
Remember your health, Rogelio.
Keep calm.
Of course.
I'm perfectly calm.
So, calmly.
When I was a young actor in Mexico City, Alejandro González Iñárritu was directing a movie about a hobo who through sheer handsomeness becomes the richest oil tycoon in the world.
So I dressed as a homeless man and waited along the route Iñárritu took every day to work.
Then I saw his car, so I ran into traffic with a bucket and a squeegee.
(GASPS) That's how you got your scar? You got hit by a car while method auditioning? No.
Iñárritu didn't recognize me and threatened to call the police.
But I didn't give up.
The next day, I went to Iñárritu's house and hand-delivered my headshot to Iñárritu's girlfriend.
She was very nice and invited me inside.
Then one thing led to another, and let's just say that when Iñárritu got home, I had to jump out the window.
And that's how you got your scar? No.
I'm incredibly agile and landed on my feet, right in the middle of Iñárritu's guard dogs.
- So you were bitten? - No.
I used my incredible cunning and a little hypnosis and got away, and then Iñárritu found my headshot under his pillow.
- And then you got the part? - No.
Actually, Iñárritu banned me from his sets for life.
But the rumor of our feud got a ton of coverage in the Mexican tabloids, and all of that attention got me an audition for The Passions of Santos, which then launched my career.
So you see, Jane, when you have a dream, you never give up.
So how did you get the scar? Oh, oh (CHUCKLES) I cut myself while framing an issue of People en Español about the scandal.
Well, it was the first time I saw my name in print.
I still remember the headline.
"Crazed D-Lister Stalks Iñárritu.
" The point is, I didn't throw in the towel when things got hard.
Hmm.
Dad, you just came in here and said you were giving up, that your career was over.
Well, I was wrong.
I'm not giving up.
And neither will you, Jake Villanuts.
- (SNORTS) - Now tell me.
How badly do you want your manuscript read by this agent? I want it with everything that I am.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
- I have a plan.
- I am not going to break into the agent's house and put my manuscript under her pillow.
Okay then.
I have a plan B.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Planning a covert operation requires stealth and discipline and Moo Shu pork, yum.
That was fantastic.
Okay.
Let's synchronize our watches.
And go over the plan one more time.
- (WATCHES CLICK) - The agent leaves at 5:00 p.
m.
on Fridays with her weekend reading.
At 4:40, you're gonna enter the building - disguised as a delivery person.
- And I tell security, "I have a package for the fifth floor.
" At 4:48, you're gonna enter the agent's office and you're gonna use your decoy box to knock over the stack of manuscripts.
And as I help pick up the fallen papers, I slide my manuscript on the top of her pile - for her weekend reading.
- By the end of the day, the agent takes your novel home.
Boom.
Dad, you are amazing.
But the mission isn't accomplished yet.
To make it happen by the weekend, - we have to move quickly.
- Mm-hmm.
(PHONE BEEPS) Rudy! Get me props, stat.
I also need wardrobe and makeup.
My daughter needs a great disguise.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
That's a really great disguise.
Did Rogelio call Rose's mask maker? Oh.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING) - There she is.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, I booked a last-minute showing that I need to be at, like, five minutes ago.
And I know I said I would pick up the girls, but I can't.
And the nanny's still sick and Petra's in a meeting and I should really be in there with her and I It's just, uh, I'm kind of in the middle of a business thing.
- Wait, what business thing? - A none-of-your-business thing.
Nothing, never mind, I'll pick up the girls.
- No, Jane.
What about the plan? - ROGELIO: Don't worry.
I've got one.
Our cut needs to get to the network.
We've worked too hard to get this project off the ground.
My younger self would not have given up and neither will I.
Agreed.
But what does that have to do with those hideous things? I found out that every year the network execs watch all their pilots at a remote wilderness lodge.
No phones, no computers.
- No audience testing.
- But how will they know that straight men like boobs? It's just the top brass in a screening room.
Totally off the grid.
But here's the grid.
The lodge is here surrounded by some swamp.
So we'll need waders and camouflage fishing vests.
The waders will help us to safely traverse the terrain.
And the fishing vests will have pockets for all our needs.
I wanted to get us self-destructing burner phones, but Rudy said those aren't real, so I just got us regular boring burner phones.
We will wade in through the swamp, slip into the screening room while they're at lunch, swap out the tape and no one will ever know.
Are you in? There is no way in hell she's gonna I am so in.
Wow.
Okay.
We cannot let them keep on shifting the focus younger and younger and younger.
- What are we doing here? - JANE: I just have to make a quick delivery and then we'll be out of here.
What kind of delivery? Are you a secret drug runner? No.
No, I just just my book.
And I've been working on it for the past year.
Actually, years.
I've worked on it for years and I need to get it to somebody to read it.
Then what's with the off-brand polo? You look like a caddy.
It's complicated.
And I know you're still mad at me for tattling, but right now I need you both to be on your best behavior.
What's in it for us? Here's the thing: nothing is in it for you.
Because you don't do something for someone just to get something.
I'm asking you for your help as your future stepmom who loves you.
We need to hurry.
Please.
Just act natural.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Delivery lady.
Just, uh, making some deliveries.
Per the yuj.
What up? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, very natural, Jane.
(JANE SIGHS) Okay, you stay here and, uh, hide behind that plant while I take a delivery box.
- Shoot, the box.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS) Left it in the car.
Uh, it's fine.
- I-I can go get it.
- ELLIE: Why do you need a box? Because she's pretending to be a delivery person to get past security.
- Obvi.
- GUARD: Excuse me, ma'am.
- Can I help you? - Uh-oh.
Looks like this plan is set to self-destruct in three, two, one.
- What is your business here? - Lose the badge.
Excuse me? Don't you know who our mother is? ELLIE: Anna and Ellie Beedham.
Her assistant said she was calling ahead.
She is so fired.
- So fired.
- GUARD: Wait, stop.
Let's not fire anyone.
It could have been me.
Now, what floor did you say you're going to? The 26th.
Beedham.
And you are? I'm their nanny.
Got it.
(GASPS) Thank you so much, girls, that was amazing.
A-And real quick it's okay that I told him that I was your nanny because I was using his bias against him.
So it was subversive.
Huh? Do you know what that means? Of course we do.
We're not idiots.
(DOORBELL RINGS) What the hell are you wearing? Oh, I'm trying on clothes.
F-For a work thing.
- What are you doing here? - (EXHALES) I'm on my way to New York.
Two of my clients are on the brink of divorce so I have to do an emergency counseling session and Esteban is away.
So I need you to take Baby - for the next two days.
- Oh.
Oh, but I-I-I, I-I have a, a-a very - big - And totally insane work thing, yeah.
The fate of my show hangs Rogelio.
I just covered your ass and now I need you to cover mine.
You said it yourself.
You owe me.
Prioritize your daughter.
I do prioritize her.
No, you haven't been lately.
You've been prioritizing work.
These are the moments, Rogelio.
You won't get them back.
Baby won't be a baby forever.
Of course I'll take her.
Thank you.
And, uh, a little advice.
Whatever Duck Dynasty is offering, it's not worth it; you look absurd.
Wha (SCOFFS) - (BABY COOS) - I know.
The idea that I could look absurd is absurd.
Mwah.
Yeah.
River? There has been a change of plans.
Wait, what happened with their plan? (ALL SCREAM EXCITEDLY) (LAUGHS) I can't believe that worked! - Oh, yay.
- Did you see that? I just put the manuscript right on top of the pile.
We'll lie for you any time, Aunt Jane.
Okay (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Wait, I (GROANS) Uh I-I did that because it was a last resort.
But that was wrong and I really shouldn't have lied and pretended to be somebody else and I definitely shouldn't have dragged you into this.
So as punishment, I get no iPad for a week.
I'm serious.
And I want you both to enforce it.
If you catch me even looking at one, I want you to take it away.
(GIRLS GIGGLING) I really hope that agent reads your book.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(LAUGHS) Mm.
I think this is it.
My last shot.
What? If the agent likes my book - She will.
- I hope so.
That would be everything.
But if not then I need to move on.
To the next chapter of my life.
You mean, give up writing? Not give up.
Just look at it more like a hobby, less of a career.
- That feels like giving up.
- No.
No, it feels like I'm being realistic.
I mean, my dad guaranteed my last book.
And with this one I mean I'm proud of what I wrote.
It's what I wanted to write.
But if I can't sell it, then I need to find another way to make money.
And contribute.
And leave the Marbella, which I always say I will, but I keep ending up back there and I want to get out so badly.
Yeah, I get that.
I just hope she loves your book.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(SIGHS) Which brings us, friends, to the morning when Jane turned 30 years and six months old.
The day her life changed forever.
Good morning.
Isabel Allende's agent read my book (VOICE BREAKING): and she passed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You okay? It's just, uh I kept reminding myself how hard it was to get out of the pile.
But I did.
And my work was read.
But it wasn't good enough.
So (INHALES) I have to move on.
No, you don't.
- I have to be realistic.
- Why? Because it's time.
I gave myself one more book.
- It's time.
- MATEO: I really love - your book, Mommy.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks, Mr.
Sweetface.
MATEO (SLOWLY): Our story be gins Mateo, that is the opening line of my book! You just read that! - I read it! - You read! - (LAUGHS) - (SHOUTS) See? Something good already came from it.
Ew! No more kissing.
More reading.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You got it.
"'I want to run faster, ' he said to the cow.
'But I'm a slow turtle, and I don't know how.
'" (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISPERS): Yeah (GRUNTS, GASPS) And, friends, that's when Oh, my God.
My baby Baby's walking.
You did it.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe this.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) You know what? Let's not take this.
Let's just enjoy our time together and take selfies.
Okay? The girls told me what you had them do.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe they tattled on me.
It's not funny, Jane.
How could you not tell me about this? Because I handled it.
The girls are never gonna trust me if I tell you every single thing.
Oh, well, too bad.
I'm their mother.
Yes, you're their mother, but I'm not their nanny.
You can't just hand out orders to me.
I didn't plan to involve the girls, it just kind of happened, and I'm sorry, I really am.
But I made sure the girls knew that it was wrong.
- Uh - And I'm gonna work really hard to make sure that they follow through with their therapy, but I need to have my own relationship with them.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: For the record, they would have their own relationship, one of the most trying relationships - of Jane's life.
- (GIRLS SNICKERING) But I'm getting ahead of myself.
So no, I-I'm not going to tell you everything, but like you said, the most important thing is that they feel safe and loved, which they do now, with me.
(RINGTONE PLAYING) - Hello? - PRICE (OVER PHONE): This is Dr.
Price.
We amputated your mother's leg, but she's taken a turn for the worse.
Sorry to have to tell you this, but she's now on life support.
I told you before, you can pull the plug.
Actually, you need to put that in writing.
I did put it in writing.
A text with a plug emoji and a thumbs-up doesn't count.
You need to do it in person.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I need to go to the hospital to unplug my mother.
Let's continue this in the car.
Finally.
Got it.
My father's watch? The watch has nothing to do with it.
It's what's inside.
A fingerprint? Your father's.
Which means we can open it.
Open ? Holy Oh, yeah.
It's go time, girl.
They always look so peaceful, don't they? Before they cross over? Mm? Oh, yeah.
She looks great.
So should we get this show on the road? Excuse me? Unplug her? This is very uh painful, uh, so, sooner the better.
I understand.
I'll get the paperwork, give you a chance to say goodbye to your mother.
Perfect.
You can hold her hand.
Awesome.
Thank you.
(MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY) You okay? Is it done? No, not yet.
I just needed to get out of there.
It's okay to feel sad.
I do.
Because I feel nothing for her.
I was standing over her body trying to remind myself of some of the good things she's done, but I couldn't.
She was a horrible, selfish, evil person, and growing up with her was awful.
I know.
And you don't have to cry for your mother.
You can cry for yourself because you deserved better.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
(EXHALES) She's the reason I'm so strict with the girls.
If even some of her genes passed down to them Stop.
The twins are great.
- They lie.
- Oh, all kids lie.
They're just smarter than most.
But they're gonna be all right because they have you.
And Rafael, and me.
And we're a team.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't say it.
Team Twins.
Lame Jane strikes again.
- They told you, huh? - Yes.
(LAUGHS) - Hey.
You okay? - Yes, I am.
- You didn't have to come.
- Oh, stop.
We are family.
(PHONE VIBRATING) (SPEAKING QUIETLY) Hello? And, friends, I did say her life would change forever.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Who was that? - An agent.
A really big one.
- And? She wants to represent me.
- Jane! - What?! - Jane! - Yes! - Yes! - (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, Jane, that's amazing.
Um - Oh - RIVER: I'm really sorry.
I couldn't get the tape.
I tried to, trust me.
- What happened, did the map not work? - No.
I wasn't gonna go into that swamp alone.
I sent PJ.
- Who's PJ? - Girl Rudy.
But she couldn't pull it off.
And between you and me, I don't even know how hard she tried.
Well, you know what? I-I actually think - it's for the best.
- What are you talking about? Well, the first cut was actually really good.
And maybe right now, for where I am in my life, not being the star is a good thing.
What, are you having a stroke? You're not making any sense.
I know, it's crazy.
All right, but I But today, I-I got to see my daughter walk for the first time.
And I would have missed that, just like I missed Jane's first steps, and I don't want to.
And I had a health scare, and, well, all of that made me realize that I am ready for the next phase in my life.
I am okay being sidelined just a little, becoming one of the standout supporting characters that people look forward to, the one who goes on to win Teen Choice Awards the spice, not the dish so I can enjoy other parts of my life.
Well, that's great.
That's just perfect.
Oh, come on.
Aren't you ready to slow down, just a little? And focus on what? It's different for you.
You've got these great relationships with your daughters.
Whereas mine barely even speaks to me.
You have a daughter? Yes.
In fact, you've met her.
Excuse me? She's our P.
A.
(GASPS) Girl Rudy? Yeah.
PJ.
The P is for Pond.
Pond Juniper Fields.
Why didn't you tell me? She doesn't want people to know.
That's why I'm mean to her.
She wants to be treated like everyone else.
Wow, I can't believe it.
Well, it's true.
She hates me.
That's why I bury myself in my work, so I don't have to face the fact that I failed as a mother.
Well, you know what? I can help you win her back.
- No, it's too late.
- Don't say that.
I reconnected with Jane when she was 23 and a half.
And the connection between a mother and a daughter is so sacred.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well sometimes.
Mother, I wish your life had been easier.
And therefore, my life had been easier.
Soon, you'll be in a better place.
Or not.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Did Magda just squeeze her hand? Talk about a death grip.
I'll just sign with the other hand.
Not quite ready to let go.
C-Can I have a proxy sign for me? Jane, Raf? Either one of you? (MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY) There's activity.
It's a miracle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's alive! We should order flowers.
- For Magda? - No.
For Petra.
I have a suggestion for flowers.
Now that everything is in place, we can move forward.
Is everyone ready? How about a half dozen roses?