NewsRadio (1995) s05e15 Episode Script
Assistant
Okay.
The first order of business is, uh Oh! apparently, Max.
Thank you.
The ladie'' room has a couch in it.
Really? Matthew, check this out.
Joe, get on the line to the Pentagon.
Beth, have the building evacuated.
Max, shut up.
Please.
I am serious.
Now, why do they have a couch and we don't? Max, you didn't actually go into the ladies' room, did you? No.
Not until my sources told me there was a couch in there.
I'm sorry, Beth.
It just slipped.
It's just not fair.
Well, you guys have urinals.
We don't have those.
You ever try taking a nap in a urinal? Not very comfy.
Max is right.
We should at least have what they have.
It's sexual discrimination, I tell you.
Well, it sounds like you've got quite a lawsuit on your hands.
I hadn't thought about that.
Now that you mention-- Thanks.
Thanks so much, Dave.
Max, I'll get right on it.
Hey, guys.
I'm sorry.
I was to meet my assistant in the lobby, but she wasn't there.
Did she come up here? Oh.
You know what probably happened? Uh, you probably forgot that you don't have an assistant.
See, Dave, I was rereading my contract, and it says right here that I am entitled to an assistant, which the company will pay for.
Ah, I was hoping you'd never notice that clause.
Everybody, say goodbye to name-brand soft drinks in the break room.
ALL: Thanks a lot, Lisa.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
I want an assistant too.
You can't have an assistant and a couch.
I choose couch.
Somehow I thought you might.
So who'd you hire anyway? I don't know her.
I called my college alumni placement center and just told them to send over a recent graduate.
Mm-hm.
UhFoxy Jackson.
What kind of a name is Foxy Jackson? Uh, excuse me.
Is there a Lisa Miller here? Obviously, a case of truth in advertising.
Hi.
I'm Lisa Miller.
[.]
Okay, just to recap, when you answer the phone, you say: "Good morning, Lisa Miller's desk?" Yes.
Actually, why don't you just make it, uh, Lisa Miller's office? UhI don't know if I feel comfortable lying like that.
You don't have an office.
I know.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
Really.
I feel comfortable lying, actually.
Oh.
We ought to get along great.
Um, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of a name is Foxy? Well, I-- I grew up on a farm.
And when I was a kid, I used to go into the hen house to steal eggs.
Like a fox.
Oh.
So they started calling me Foxy.
What's your real name? Gwathmey.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Joe, what are you doing? Fixing the copier.
Why don't you, uh, fix it over there? Because the light's better over here.
Damn.
Everything's better over here.
I see.
Hey.
How you doing? Hi.
So you come here often? Joe.
Come on, get out of here.
We're trying to work.
Just get out.
Please.
What a hard-ass, huh? Joe.
Uh, Lisa, no.
It's okay.
Listen, Joe, this copier doesn't have toner in it, does it? Yeah.
Yeah, why? Well, I'm allergic to toner.
Wow.
We have so much in common.
Sometimes it makes me sneeze a little.
No, it's, uh-- It's nothing like that.
It's Well, actually, it's kind of embarrassing.
Umsee, whenever I'm around toner, my sex drive completely dries up.
Get this thing out of here.
Move! Okay.
Ladies and gents.
Boys and girls.
Children of all ages.
I present to you the WNYX men's room couch.
WNYX men's room couch.
What do you think? It's a little small, huh? Well, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, I didn't wanna screw up the feng shui in the room there.
So why don't you go ahead and sit down, have a seat.
Andcheck it out.
This feels weird.
Yeah.
I've never seen a couch quite like this.
Well, nobody-- And technically, it's not a couch.
Well, what is it, uh, technically? It's a love seat.
[LAUGHS.]
Ha, ha.
They put a love seat in the men's room.
Beth, do you want to give us a minute alone, please? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
You need a minute alone with your love seat.
[LAUGHS.]
Lisa? Dave, permission to be excused, please? Matthew, you just came in here.
No, uh, permission to be excused from the office.
I gotta go to another floor to use the bathroom.
Why? Uh, because Beth gave me some kind of lifetime ban on the ladies' room.
And Mr.
James has some construction going on in the men's room.
He's supposed to put in a couch.
Yeah, no.
I know.
He is.
But we asked for a more macho couch.
Uh-huh.
Andthat apparently requires men with hard hats and-- Matthew, what are you talking about? Could you make up your mind? Because I really gotta go here.
[HUMS.]
Okay, you're excused.
Thank you.
Hey, Matthew.
Gotta go.
Dave, could you, uh, look out here and tell me what you see, please? Mm.
Doesn't look like Matthew's gonna make it, does it? Besides that.
Joe hitting on your assistant? Yes.
Ah.
Foxy is here to enhance my productivity.
And she cannot do that while Joe is teaching her dirty words in Italian.
Well, ask Foxy to come here, and we'll see what we can work out.
Thank you.
Foxy, could you come in here for a second? Sure.
What's up? Is, uh-- Is Joe giving you a hard time? Well, it's nothing I can't handle.
But that's very sweet of you to ask.
Ha-ha, just doing my job.
Listen, by the way, um, thanks for cutting that article out for me.
Oh.
That was my pleasure, really.
Don't worry about that.
What article? Oh, Lisa.
Um it was nothing, really.
It was just, we ran into each other in the break room-- It's not often you find somebody who has a passion for tap-dancing.
[LAUGHS.]
Passion is a curious thing.
Yeah.
Mm.
Foxy, um, I left some notes on my desk.
Would you mind running in there and typing them up for me? Yeah.
Sure.
Ta-ta.
Ta.
Hm.
Ta.
[MOUTHS.]
Ta.
Dave.
I don't believe this.
You're as bad as Joe.
I am not.
I'm badder.
Yeah.
You're shameless.
Come on.
We share a few common interests.
Oh, really? Do you mean passions? Hey.
Look.
You know, I tried to get you interested in popular American dance forms a long time ago.
That's true.
You did.
Too late now, girl.
JIMMY: Great.
Great.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
And, Rusty, really.
Really good work on such short notice.
Okay, you ready? Are you ready to see the new men's room? Yes.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
All right, Matthew.
Drum roll please.
Oh.
P-p-- Okay.
Now, that's enough.
Just go on in.
Oh, my God! Yeah! Mr.
James, we-- We just asked for a couch.
Well, heck, I know.
Being I felt so bad about that whole love seat fiasco, I thought I'd treat you guys a bit.
Oh, my God.
Is this real leather? Sure, sure.
That's Corinthian leather right there.
And do you see the chandelier over there? That is genuine Viennese crystal.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sweet, brown, buttery cloud.
Well, sure.
Sure you are.
Because that's real Corinthian leather.
Ah, this is sweet.
Excuse me, Beth? W-what-- What are you doing here? What do you mean? This is the men's restroom.
Yeah, I know.
I hang out in the men's room all the time.
Once upon a time I used to be able to "hang out" in the ladies' room.
Until I got banned from that.
Is there any more to that story? Yeah, there is.
But I can't really tell it here.
Know why? No.
Why is that? Members only.
Oh, this is nice.
Mm-hm.
It's like a café.
Yeah.
It's like a little bit of Paris.
Hm.
Which is somewhere I've been.
Twice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Foxy, you wanna grab a burger? No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
I could always get you an extra one.
Don't bother.
Sowhere else have you traveled, huh? Oh, all over.
Canada.
[LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
Oh, no.
All over my shirt.
Oh, well.
No, seriously.
Where else have you traveled? Oh, here and there.
I've been to Mexico.
Hey, Foxy.
I think I pulled my tricep.
Does that look okay? Does that look normal? Seems a little puffy, you know? I'm hungry.
Do you want to get something to eat? I'd love to get something to eat.
You lead the way, all right.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe.
I gotta get to the gym.
FOXY: Hey, Lis.
Oh, hello, there.
Dave.
Foxy.
How was your lunch? Mmm.
Was good.
It was good.
I think it was a really good getting-acquainted lunch.
Yeah.
It was wonderful.
Mm-hm.
Dave took me to his favorite lunch spot.
Oh, Eddie's.
No.
Tavern on the Green.
That was my-- My favorite.
Yes.
Yes, I'd forgotten how much business you do there.
Yeah.
And it was the best business lunch I've ever had.
Mm-hm.
Foxy, um, could you make five copies of each of these for me, please? Yeah.
No problem.
[WHISTLES.]
Dave! Lisa.
Hi.
How's Foxy working out? Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't know.
She's only been allowed to work for me a total of five minutes today.
Don't work her too hard, okay? All right.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
Umis there anything-- So did you have a nice lunch? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Good.
She deserves a nice lunch.
Listen, Joe, there-- Congratulations, Dave.
You're the better man.
I'm not the better man, Joe.
No.
You beat Joe Garrelli.
You are the better man.
Look, Joe, this isn't a competition, all right? It's just a-- It's a matter of taste.
Right.
I tried rationalizing it too.
When a woman turns down Joe Garrelli, it's not a matter of taste.
It's a value judgment.
Joeall we did was have lunch, all right? Come on, Dave.
The modesty, it only makes it hurt even worse.
Look.
I made you this over lunch.
Hm? Only two men have ever got to wear that shirt, Dave.
Youand my father.
Look, Joe.
Don't be like this.
We're supposed to be friends.
Oh, man.
That's exactly what dad said.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Ooh.
I'll get it.
Men's room.
It's Beth.
Let me in.
Hm.
Men's room.
You have to know the secret knock.
[KNOCKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
Damn.
Sowhat's the deal? You guys gonna hang out in here all day? [CHUCKLES.]
Hanging out is for the vulgar.
No, no.
In herewe lounge.
Mm.
Okay, fine.
Well, when do I get to lounge? Any time.
Oh, excellent.
You just can't do it here.
Well, she does seem to have the right attitude.
Yes, I would say she is definitely men's room material.
You think so? Yeah.
Enough to sponsor her for membership, yes.
And I'd be willing to throw my weight behind it.
Mm.
Well, you never know what'll happen when the elections come around.
Matthew, we never had elections before.
Which is why you'll never know what'll happen.
Does she still talk about me? Who? Don't play games.
You know who I'm talking about.
Mrs.
Dave Nelson.
No, you're talking about my assistant.
Not that she's done any work for me today.
Was she working for you when she broke my heart? She didn't break your heart.
She did something to it.
How could she have broken your-- Please don't remind me.
Okay.
Just don't.
Okay.
Don't! Okay.
Joe, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm very-- I'm really very sorry.
You wouldn't be interested in helping me reconfirm my manhood, would you? Not in the slightest.
Just putting it out there.
You'd be doing me a real favor.
Yeah, well.
You better just put it back in.
SoMiss Just Beth.
Uh So, Miss Beth Who sponsored this candidate? I did.
Uh, speak your peace.
Mm.
I'll be brief.
I've known Miss Beth for a long time.
She comes from a good family.
But most of all, she loves the men's room.
She loves itmore than anything in the world.
Is this true? Yes, it is, sir.
Would you like some water? Oh.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm fine.
Because sometimes I find a good stiff shot of the stuff keeps me loose but focused.
Yeah, I'll, uh-- I'll take a shot of that.
Gentlemen, please.
Let us get back to this candidate's qualifications.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Um I know how to use the restroom.
Excellent.
Why, that's good.
Very good.
Umalso, I'm a very big fan of taxidermy.
Animal lover.
I like that.
Also, I believe it's important that people of a similar social stature have a place to shrug off their cares and rub elbows with other people of a similar social class.
Well, that's right.
I like that.
I'm just looking for my wrench.
Pay no attention to me.
Uh, Joe.
Are you gonna go to that, uh, Rangers game Friday? Thanks for pretending you're interested.
That just proves to me that you are the better man.
Wait.
Uh, you-- You like the Rangers? Because Brian Leetch is, like, my personal God.
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS.]
This morning that information would have put me in a feeding frenzy.
But now it's all pain.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Bunny.
Dave, just the man I'm looking for.
The men's club is voting on whether to let Beth in as a member and You're voting on whether to let Beth into the men's lavatory? No, we're voting.
And you're a de facto member.
And if you abstain, I'm afraid it counts as an automatic blackball.
All right, fine.
Then let her in.
No.
Shh! It's a secret vote.
Ah.
So, here.
Matthew.
Excuse me.
There you go.
Thank you.
Okay, what does this say? It says yes, Matthew.
Yes, let her in.
Yes, don't let her in.
Yes, let her in.
Let me just commit this bad boy to memory.
Your secret is safe.
What was that? Okay.
Yes.
Oh.
I can't believe we used to hang out in the break room.
I'm never hanging out there again.
Or in the booth for that matter.
Hear, hear.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
What was that sound? What up? Matthew! Did you go to the bathroom in there?! I thought we had an unspoken agreement.
I've been using the ladies' room.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, no, no.
Relax, fellow club members.
I didn't go to the bathroom.
I justchristened it.
Oh, Matthew! Oh! You ruined it! You ruined the whole damn thing! To think I've been eating finger sandwiches in the men's room.
Fine.
Now I can walk around in here naked.
Dave.
We'd better go if we're gonna catch that movie.
Right.
Yeah.
Um actually, do you mind if we talk just before we go? Sure.
What about? Umwell I guess it goes without saying that I'm really, really enjoying this, uh This instant rapport that we've-- We'vefound here.
And, uh, I could honestly [SIGHS.]
stare into your eyes for all eternity.
But we should try to cool it around the office for a little while, okay? Why? Well, it's Joe, you see.
He's a friend of mine.
And And I think he's feeling a little hurt.
Well, he'll get over it.
Sure.
In the due course of time, he will.
No.
By Friday.
Well, how can you be so sure? Because I'm gonna take him to the Ranger game on Friday.
That's very kind of you.
Well, I'm not being kind.
I'm-- I'm attracted to Joe.
What? Well, listen, I'm attracted to you too.
Uh-huh.
I mean, you both have great qualities.
Brains andbrawn.
So you want to date both of us? Look, I just want to have a little fun, okay? Yeah.
I just got out of a serious relationship with three men.
AndI'm just not ready for a commitment right now.
I'm not very comfortable with this.
Davewe are all mature adults here.
I don't think I am.
Let's talk to Joe, okay? Joe, can you come in here, please? What's up? WellI want to date both you guys.
Hm? Are you serious? I couldn't do that.
Could I? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
[SIGHS.]
WellI have to say I'm I'm a little disappointed in both of you.
But if you guys can figure out how to put that brain in this body call me, okay? Well then I guess you weren't the better man after all.
Mmm.
No, no.
Just two equally good men.
All right.
Then I guess you owe me a T-shirt.
What do you mean? One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me.
" Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that T-shirt away from my father.
Hey, what are you doing in here? Just thought I'd enjoy the place while it's still here.
Yeah? Mr.
James gonna rip it out? Yes.
Apparently Matthew was going to the bathroom in here.
Oh.
But the cognac's still good.
Ah.
Matthew sat in that chair naked.
Ah.
Thank you.
Uh, Foxy quit, by the way.
Mm-hm.
Well, sorry to hear it.
It's okay.
I didn't have that much for her to do.
But I'm sorry it didn't work out between you two.
That's all right.
I mean, office romances never do work out, do they? Yes, as we've proven at least twice.
Mm-hm.
Here's to the disaster of office romances.
Yeah.
Cheers.
So, uh you wanna lock the door and walk around naked? Not a chance.
Well Just putting it out there.
Well, you better just put it right back in.
[.]
[.]
The first order of business is, uh Oh! apparently, Max.
Thank you.
The ladie'' room has a couch in it.
Really? Matthew, check this out.
Joe, get on the line to the Pentagon.
Beth, have the building evacuated.
Max, shut up.
Please.
I am serious.
Now, why do they have a couch and we don't? Max, you didn't actually go into the ladies' room, did you? No.
Not until my sources told me there was a couch in there.
I'm sorry, Beth.
It just slipped.
It's just not fair.
Well, you guys have urinals.
We don't have those.
You ever try taking a nap in a urinal? Not very comfy.
Max is right.
We should at least have what they have.
It's sexual discrimination, I tell you.
Well, it sounds like you've got quite a lawsuit on your hands.
I hadn't thought about that.
Now that you mention-- Thanks.
Thanks so much, Dave.
Max, I'll get right on it.
Hey, guys.
I'm sorry.
I was to meet my assistant in the lobby, but she wasn't there.
Did she come up here? Oh.
You know what probably happened? Uh, you probably forgot that you don't have an assistant.
See, Dave, I was rereading my contract, and it says right here that I am entitled to an assistant, which the company will pay for.
Ah, I was hoping you'd never notice that clause.
Everybody, say goodbye to name-brand soft drinks in the break room.
ALL: Thanks a lot, Lisa.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
I want an assistant too.
You can't have an assistant and a couch.
I choose couch.
Somehow I thought you might.
So who'd you hire anyway? I don't know her.
I called my college alumni placement center and just told them to send over a recent graduate.
Mm-hm.
UhFoxy Jackson.
What kind of a name is Foxy Jackson? Uh, excuse me.
Is there a Lisa Miller here? Obviously, a case of truth in advertising.
Hi.
I'm Lisa Miller.
[.]
Okay, just to recap, when you answer the phone, you say: "Good morning, Lisa Miller's desk?" Yes.
Actually, why don't you just make it, uh, Lisa Miller's office? UhI don't know if I feel comfortable lying like that.
You don't have an office.
I know.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
Really.
I feel comfortable lying, actually.
Oh.
We ought to get along great.
Um, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of a name is Foxy? Well, I-- I grew up on a farm.
And when I was a kid, I used to go into the hen house to steal eggs.
Like a fox.
Oh.
So they started calling me Foxy.
What's your real name? Gwathmey.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Joe, what are you doing? Fixing the copier.
Why don't you, uh, fix it over there? Because the light's better over here.
Damn.
Everything's better over here.
I see.
Hey.
How you doing? Hi.
So you come here often? Joe.
Come on, get out of here.
We're trying to work.
Just get out.
Please.
What a hard-ass, huh? Joe.
Uh, Lisa, no.
It's okay.
Listen, Joe, this copier doesn't have toner in it, does it? Yeah.
Yeah, why? Well, I'm allergic to toner.
Wow.
We have so much in common.
Sometimes it makes me sneeze a little.
No, it's, uh-- It's nothing like that.
It's Well, actually, it's kind of embarrassing.
Umsee, whenever I'm around toner, my sex drive completely dries up.
Get this thing out of here.
Move! Okay.
Ladies and gents.
Boys and girls.
Children of all ages.
I present to you the WNYX men's room couch.
WNYX men's room couch.
What do you think? It's a little small, huh? Well, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, I didn't wanna screw up the feng shui in the room there.
So why don't you go ahead and sit down, have a seat.
Andcheck it out.
This feels weird.
Yeah.
I've never seen a couch quite like this.
Well, nobody-- And technically, it's not a couch.
Well, what is it, uh, technically? It's a love seat.
[LAUGHS.]
Ha, ha.
They put a love seat in the men's room.
Beth, do you want to give us a minute alone, please? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
You need a minute alone with your love seat.
[LAUGHS.]
Lisa? Dave, permission to be excused, please? Matthew, you just came in here.
No, uh, permission to be excused from the office.
I gotta go to another floor to use the bathroom.
Why? Uh, because Beth gave me some kind of lifetime ban on the ladies' room.
And Mr.
James has some construction going on in the men's room.
He's supposed to put in a couch.
Yeah, no.
I know.
He is.
But we asked for a more macho couch.
Uh-huh.
Andthat apparently requires men with hard hats and-- Matthew, what are you talking about? Could you make up your mind? Because I really gotta go here.
[HUMS.]
Okay, you're excused.
Thank you.
Hey, Matthew.
Gotta go.
Dave, could you, uh, look out here and tell me what you see, please? Mm.
Doesn't look like Matthew's gonna make it, does it? Besides that.
Joe hitting on your assistant? Yes.
Ah.
Foxy is here to enhance my productivity.
And she cannot do that while Joe is teaching her dirty words in Italian.
Well, ask Foxy to come here, and we'll see what we can work out.
Thank you.
Foxy, could you come in here for a second? Sure.
What's up? Is, uh-- Is Joe giving you a hard time? Well, it's nothing I can't handle.
But that's very sweet of you to ask.
Ha-ha, just doing my job.
Listen, by the way, um, thanks for cutting that article out for me.
Oh.
That was my pleasure, really.
Don't worry about that.
What article? Oh, Lisa.
Um it was nothing, really.
It was just, we ran into each other in the break room-- It's not often you find somebody who has a passion for tap-dancing.
[LAUGHS.]
Passion is a curious thing.
Yeah.
Mm.
Foxy, um, I left some notes on my desk.
Would you mind running in there and typing them up for me? Yeah.
Sure.
Ta-ta.
Ta.
Hm.
Ta.
[MOUTHS.]
Ta.
Dave.
I don't believe this.
You're as bad as Joe.
I am not.
I'm badder.
Yeah.
You're shameless.
Come on.
We share a few common interests.
Oh, really? Do you mean passions? Hey.
Look.
You know, I tried to get you interested in popular American dance forms a long time ago.
That's true.
You did.
Too late now, girl.
JIMMY: Great.
Great.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
And, Rusty, really.
Really good work on such short notice.
Okay, you ready? Are you ready to see the new men's room? Yes.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
All right, Matthew.
Drum roll please.
Oh.
P-p-- Okay.
Now, that's enough.
Just go on in.
Oh, my God! Yeah! Mr.
James, we-- We just asked for a couch.
Well, heck, I know.
Being I felt so bad about that whole love seat fiasco, I thought I'd treat you guys a bit.
Oh, my God.
Is this real leather? Sure, sure.
That's Corinthian leather right there.
And do you see the chandelier over there? That is genuine Viennese crystal.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sweet, brown, buttery cloud.
Well, sure.
Sure you are.
Because that's real Corinthian leather.
Ah, this is sweet.
Excuse me, Beth? W-what-- What are you doing here? What do you mean? This is the men's restroom.
Yeah, I know.
I hang out in the men's room all the time.
Once upon a time I used to be able to "hang out" in the ladies' room.
Until I got banned from that.
Is there any more to that story? Yeah, there is.
But I can't really tell it here.
Know why? No.
Why is that? Members only.
Oh, this is nice.
Mm-hm.
It's like a café.
Yeah.
It's like a little bit of Paris.
Hm.
Which is somewhere I've been.
Twice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Foxy, you wanna grab a burger? No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
I could always get you an extra one.
Don't bother.
Sowhere else have you traveled, huh? Oh, all over.
Canada.
[LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
Oh, no.
All over my shirt.
Oh, well.
No, seriously.
Where else have you traveled? Oh, here and there.
I've been to Mexico.
Hey, Foxy.
I think I pulled my tricep.
Does that look okay? Does that look normal? Seems a little puffy, you know? I'm hungry.
Do you want to get something to eat? I'd love to get something to eat.
You lead the way, all right.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe.
I gotta get to the gym.
FOXY: Hey, Lis.
Oh, hello, there.
Dave.
Foxy.
How was your lunch? Mmm.
Was good.
It was good.
I think it was a really good getting-acquainted lunch.
Yeah.
It was wonderful.
Mm-hm.
Dave took me to his favorite lunch spot.
Oh, Eddie's.
No.
Tavern on the Green.
That was my-- My favorite.
Yes.
Yes, I'd forgotten how much business you do there.
Yeah.
And it was the best business lunch I've ever had.
Mm-hm.
Foxy, um, could you make five copies of each of these for me, please? Yeah.
No problem.
[WHISTLES.]
Dave! Lisa.
Hi.
How's Foxy working out? Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't know.
She's only been allowed to work for me a total of five minutes today.
Don't work her too hard, okay? All right.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
Umis there anything-- So did you have a nice lunch? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Good.
She deserves a nice lunch.
Listen, Joe, there-- Congratulations, Dave.
You're the better man.
I'm not the better man, Joe.
No.
You beat Joe Garrelli.
You are the better man.
Look, Joe, this isn't a competition, all right? It's just a-- It's a matter of taste.
Right.
I tried rationalizing it too.
When a woman turns down Joe Garrelli, it's not a matter of taste.
It's a value judgment.
Joeall we did was have lunch, all right? Come on, Dave.
The modesty, it only makes it hurt even worse.
Look.
I made you this over lunch.
Hm? Only two men have ever got to wear that shirt, Dave.
Youand my father.
Look, Joe.
Don't be like this.
We're supposed to be friends.
Oh, man.
That's exactly what dad said.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Ooh.
I'll get it.
Men's room.
It's Beth.
Let me in.
Hm.
Men's room.
You have to know the secret knock.
[KNOCKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
Damn.
Sowhat's the deal? You guys gonna hang out in here all day? [CHUCKLES.]
Hanging out is for the vulgar.
No, no.
In herewe lounge.
Mm.
Okay, fine.
Well, when do I get to lounge? Any time.
Oh, excellent.
You just can't do it here.
Well, she does seem to have the right attitude.
Yes, I would say she is definitely men's room material.
You think so? Yeah.
Enough to sponsor her for membership, yes.
And I'd be willing to throw my weight behind it.
Mm.
Well, you never know what'll happen when the elections come around.
Matthew, we never had elections before.
Which is why you'll never know what'll happen.
Does she still talk about me? Who? Don't play games.
You know who I'm talking about.
Mrs.
Dave Nelson.
No, you're talking about my assistant.
Not that she's done any work for me today.
Was she working for you when she broke my heart? She didn't break your heart.
She did something to it.
How could she have broken your-- Please don't remind me.
Okay.
Just don't.
Okay.
Don't! Okay.
Joe, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm very-- I'm really very sorry.
You wouldn't be interested in helping me reconfirm my manhood, would you? Not in the slightest.
Just putting it out there.
You'd be doing me a real favor.
Yeah, well.
You better just put it back in.
SoMiss Just Beth.
Uh So, Miss Beth Who sponsored this candidate? I did.
Uh, speak your peace.
Mm.
I'll be brief.
I've known Miss Beth for a long time.
She comes from a good family.
But most of all, she loves the men's room.
She loves itmore than anything in the world.
Is this true? Yes, it is, sir.
Would you like some water? Oh.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm fine.
Because sometimes I find a good stiff shot of the stuff keeps me loose but focused.
Yeah, I'll, uh-- I'll take a shot of that.
Gentlemen, please.
Let us get back to this candidate's qualifications.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Um I know how to use the restroom.
Excellent.
Why, that's good.
Very good.
Umalso, I'm a very big fan of taxidermy.
Animal lover.
I like that.
Also, I believe it's important that people of a similar social stature have a place to shrug off their cares and rub elbows with other people of a similar social class.
Well, that's right.
I like that.
I'm just looking for my wrench.
Pay no attention to me.
Uh, Joe.
Are you gonna go to that, uh, Rangers game Friday? Thanks for pretending you're interested.
That just proves to me that you are the better man.
Wait.
Uh, you-- You like the Rangers? Because Brian Leetch is, like, my personal God.
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS.]
This morning that information would have put me in a feeding frenzy.
But now it's all pain.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Bunny.
Dave, just the man I'm looking for.
The men's club is voting on whether to let Beth in as a member and You're voting on whether to let Beth into the men's lavatory? No, we're voting.
And you're a de facto member.
And if you abstain, I'm afraid it counts as an automatic blackball.
All right, fine.
Then let her in.
No.
Shh! It's a secret vote.
Ah.
So, here.
Matthew.
Excuse me.
There you go.
Thank you.
Okay, what does this say? It says yes, Matthew.
Yes, let her in.
Yes, don't let her in.
Yes, let her in.
Let me just commit this bad boy to memory.
Your secret is safe.
What was that? Okay.
Yes.
Oh.
I can't believe we used to hang out in the break room.
I'm never hanging out there again.
Or in the booth for that matter.
Hear, hear.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
What was that sound? What up? Matthew! Did you go to the bathroom in there?! I thought we had an unspoken agreement.
I've been using the ladies' room.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, no, no.
Relax, fellow club members.
I didn't go to the bathroom.
I justchristened it.
Oh, Matthew! Oh! You ruined it! You ruined the whole damn thing! To think I've been eating finger sandwiches in the men's room.
Fine.
Now I can walk around in here naked.
Dave.
We'd better go if we're gonna catch that movie.
Right.
Yeah.
Um actually, do you mind if we talk just before we go? Sure.
What about? Umwell I guess it goes without saying that I'm really, really enjoying this, uh This instant rapport that we've-- We'vefound here.
And, uh, I could honestly [SIGHS.]
stare into your eyes for all eternity.
But we should try to cool it around the office for a little while, okay? Why? Well, it's Joe, you see.
He's a friend of mine.
And And I think he's feeling a little hurt.
Well, he'll get over it.
Sure.
In the due course of time, he will.
No.
By Friday.
Well, how can you be so sure? Because I'm gonna take him to the Ranger game on Friday.
That's very kind of you.
Well, I'm not being kind.
I'm-- I'm attracted to Joe.
What? Well, listen, I'm attracted to you too.
Uh-huh.
I mean, you both have great qualities.
Brains andbrawn.
So you want to date both of us? Look, I just want to have a little fun, okay? Yeah.
I just got out of a serious relationship with three men.
AndI'm just not ready for a commitment right now.
I'm not very comfortable with this.
Davewe are all mature adults here.
I don't think I am.
Let's talk to Joe, okay? Joe, can you come in here, please? What's up? WellI want to date both you guys.
Hm? Are you serious? I couldn't do that.
Could I? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
[SIGHS.]
WellI have to say I'm I'm a little disappointed in both of you.
But if you guys can figure out how to put that brain in this body call me, okay? Well then I guess you weren't the better man after all.
Mmm.
No, no.
Just two equally good men.
All right.
Then I guess you owe me a T-shirt.
What do you mean? One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me.
" Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that T-shirt away from my father.
Hey, what are you doing in here? Just thought I'd enjoy the place while it's still here.
Yeah? Mr.
James gonna rip it out? Yes.
Apparently Matthew was going to the bathroom in here.
Oh.
But the cognac's still good.
Ah.
Matthew sat in that chair naked.
Ah.
Thank you.
Uh, Foxy quit, by the way.
Mm-hm.
Well, sorry to hear it.
It's okay.
I didn't have that much for her to do.
But I'm sorry it didn't work out between you two.
That's all right.
I mean, office romances never do work out, do they? Yes, as we've proven at least twice.
Mm-hm.
Here's to the disaster of office romances.
Yeah.
Cheers.
So, uh you wanna lock the door and walk around naked? Not a chance.
Well Just putting it out there.
Well, you better just put it right back in.
[.]
[.]