Parks and Recreation s05e15 Episode Script

Well, the honeymoon was amazing.
We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus.
-Theoretically.
- It's possible.
Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall.
- Shut up.
- You know.
- Oh, my God, what was it like? - It was amazing.
Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.
Oh, my God, bummer.
Okay, I have presents! Um Chris, we got you an Acai tree because the Acai berry is a superfood.
And a super gift.
Donna, we got you some coffee, because you said, and I quote, "I like my coffee like I like my men.
Dark, rich, and full-bodied.
" Yes, indeed.
Ann, we got you some very rare Hawaiian fertility tea, guaranteed to help you have a baby.
That's so nice.
Where'd you find that? Well, the busboy at our restaurant told us about a guy who we met in a parking lot, and then he had a backpack full of this stuff, and I'm just realizing now that it's not tea.
And I'm gonna throw it away.
Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger.
It reminded us of you when you're at work.
A handsome gentleman.
- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.
We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog.
Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington! Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero.
No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii five-0! April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano.
Thank you.
Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target.
Thank you.
All mine are dirty.
Thank you, Hawaii.
Thank you so much.
It's great to be here at the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.
There's so many wonderful, talented journalists here.
Also here are some reporters from the Pawnee Sun.
Oh, hey, hey.
I love the Pawnee Sun.
Some people say that it's a useless tabloid.
But I don't think it's useless.
I think it's great for housebreaking puppies.
I am prepping for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.
It's an annual affair where the media and the government roast each other.
My number one target-- the Pawnee Sun.
they rake me over the coals.
Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun.
Okay, I need more jokes, people.
Ben is having his first day at work, so he cannot help me.
So I need you guys to pick up the slack.
- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.
The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.
- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.
I find it hilarious.
- Ann Perkins! - Hey, Chris! Got to run to a meeting.
With Ron.
Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.
Sorry, the door was open.
I wish this office had only walls.
Chris broke up with his girlfriend a week ago, and I have decided to ask him to be the father of my baby.
Except I cannot work up the nerve to do it.
Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.
Actually, Ron, I-I could use your advice on how to be blunt and honest.
I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him.
What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses.
In my front yard.
Grossest metaphor ever.
I've seen your house.
You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.
No, I don't think so.
Anyway, what if he thinks I'm asking too much of him, and I ask him to plant the ficuses, and he doesn't want to, and he gets weird about it, and it ruins our friendship? Then plant the damn ficuses yourself.
I wish that were possible.
We are so excited to have you working with us here at the all-new Sweetums Foundation.
This is your office.
This is incredible.
And look at that art.
Ah, yes.
My late husband.
He was so decrepit.
I really like helping people.
Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest.
So, win-win.
Except for the rain forest.
I need you to select your first charity by tomorrow.
Sweetums' public image is currently at an all-time low.
Yeah, there's even a rumor going around that the chocolate is made of rat parts.
Well You know what they say about rumors.
- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.
Including the rat thing? Yeah.
What are you gonna do? It's where all the flavor comes from.
Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.
Oh! All better.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch, where politicians and the media make fun of each other.
But, if you ask me, we should be making fun of the food.
"I am not the cook.
" Oh, well, well, well.
If it isn't Kim Terlando from the Pawnee Sun.
Do you happen to have a can opener? 'Cause I'm about to open this on you.
Did you make that can of "whoop ass" for this exact moment? Yeah, I came prepared.
I'd expect nothing less.
Good luck with your speech.
Uh, my speech doesn't need your luck.
It needs a Surgeon General's warning because it's so harmful to your health.
Oh, look, it has one.
That's how ready I am.
I'm glad you're so confident.
Nice to see you.
It was nice to see you too.
Chris, can I talk to you for a second? Absolutely.
I cannot wait.
One second.
Excuse me, sir.
I think I accidentally got the meat option.
Yeah, and I got the veggie option.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep, my ex-girlfriend.
It seems like you and I have a classic mix 'em up.
Yeah, fancy meeting you here.
This isn't awkward for you, is it? Chris, it's okay.
You wanna switch? I'm starving.
Definitely.
Whoa! Check out the new digs.
This place is insane.
Thanks for coming, guys.
I'm super swamped, and I need your help.
Pass.
You came down here to pass on helping me? Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no.
It was totally worth it.
Andy, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.
Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.
Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, his self-esteem has hit rock bottom.
He's always sad and sweaty.
He's usually happy and sweaty.
I have to pick our first charity by tomorrow, and there's a million applications.
Can you guys help me sort 'em out? You know what? This sounds like fun.
Babe, come on.
Let's help him.
It'll be fun.
Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered.
I'm gonna head out.
Actually have my own charity to attend to.
Tommy's tummy foundation.
Well, they bring me fancy lunches here.
If you stay, you can have some.
What? Crab, caviar? On behalf of Tommy's tummy foundation, I'm happy to accept this generous donation.
Please welcome Kim Terlando.
Thank you, Martin.
It's nice to be here among all of these excellent journalists.
And also the people that work with me over at the Pawnee Sun.
Damn it.
That was my opener.
Now I love working at the Sun, okay? And I know you all think it's just a useless tabloid, but it's not.
It is great.
For housebreaking puppies.
Those are my jokes.
She's stealing my jokes.
Some people say that the Sun has a problem with the truth.
There's no problem, we just ignore it.
Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes! Totally dead.
What am I gonna do? Oh! I just opened up a can of "whoop ass" on myself! I remember the very first Correspondents' Lunch.
I rode here in a horse and buggy.
No, no, no, that wasn't a joke.
I actually did.
That also was not a joke.
Ron, Kim told all my jokes, all of them.
She must have gotten a copy of my speech.
Did anybody lose their copy? - Nope.
- Right here.
Mine is right here.
Oh, jeez.
Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done.
And no dessert! I need new material, and it needs to be great, and it needs to knock people on their butts, and it needs to transcend the genre of roast comedy.
- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.
Um, okay, so Councilman Milton is old, right? And he's wearing a green tie.
So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs.
And his tie is green.
They're green.
Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny.
It's not your fault.
You've never had to compensate for anything.
The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat.
Ben? Ben? Yeah, Andy.
I think I might have found something that's actually pretty cool.
Okay, well, just put it aside, and I'll read it later.
No.
Andy found it, and he's gonna tell you about it right now.
Go, babe.
Uh, it's the Redwood Music Program.
It's an after-school music class for at-risk kids.
- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.
And the streets, as you know, are dangerous.
Example--I fell in a sewer grate once.
I was there all day.
In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer.
Redwood Music Program-- go, your honor, amen.
That's a great idea.
Anyone else come across anything good? Tom? Um, yeah.
I got a good one.
It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation.
That's my pick.
They provide legal assistance to the KKK.
This is your pick? Yeah.
Can you pass the bonbons? Perd Hapley is here today.
Or, as Perd would say, "My name is Perd Hapley, and the person I see here today is me.
" Everyone seems to be laughing now.
Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy.
It's disgusting.
They're in public.
That's called a conversation.
Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby.
Good God.
And the metaphor you chose was planting ficuses in your front yard? I was gonna wait till he was single to ask him, but now he's flirting with Shauna again.
What do I do? - It's been nice talking to you.
- What? Maybe I should just do impressions.
"I'm-a Borat.
" There's one.
But I need to do someone that no one has heard before.
Like, I don't know, Neve Campbell? What does Neve Campbell sound like? I don't know.
Someone, tell me what Neve Campbell sounds like.
Just keep it short and get the hell out of there.
Thank you.
Our next guest has asked me to read this.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.
Joan, no-- "Strap on your adult diapers, everyone.
"Because you're about to wet yourself from laughter.
Give it up for Leslie Knope.
" "Whassup," Pawnee? Um Borat.
Well, that's my time.
They're giving me the light.
So, uh, I did great.
Thank you, Leslie Knope.
You know what they say.
Drama is hard, and sometimes comedy is not in our wheelhouse.
Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves! Okay.
Think I have our winner.
It's called Rural Ambu-care.
They want to buy an ambulance for people who live far away from the hospital.
Ambulances are dumb.
When has an ambulance ever helped anyone? What about Andy's music thing? Well, this is a great service that will help a lot of needy people.
Sorry, Andy.
Why? No, it's totally fine.
I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna head out to, uh, the car.
It's a little hot in here, a little sweaty.
Well, I'm terribly disappointed.
But I'm sure the doctors or giraffes or whatever you decided to help will be thrilled with the whatever you decided to whatever.
I'm outtie.
Great job, team.
What? Ever since Andy failed the police exam, he's been really depressed.
Picking out a dumb charity is the most excited he's been in weeks.
You're so selfish.
Selfish? I'm running a charity.
Oh, it's all about what you're doing, isn't it? Classic Ben! Sorry, forgot the oysters.
Great work today.
Christopher.
"Chris-toe-fur.
" It's like you have furry toes.
Hilarious.
I have a question for you.
It's something very important.
Which is What is your Spirit animal? Jaguar.
Why do you ask? Doin' a survey.
Well, survey completed.
So take 'er easy.
Uh, you didn't ask me.
But if you had, the answer I would have given is Doggie.
Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now.
Go, Ann.
- In front of Perd? - Yes.
No more delays.
Go.
I want to have a baby.
Will you be the sperm donor? The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.
Think it over.
Bye.
Leslie, permission to leave the corner.
Denied.
But, look, I did not lose your speech after all.
I forgot.
I put it in my shoe for safekeeping.
It's a little moist, but it is still here.
Well, then how did Kim get the speech? Wait a minute.
The Pawnee Sun has been one step ahead of me for months.
They knew that Kernston's withdrew its sponsorship of the Commons before I even announced it.
They asked me about the sewage eruption in Ramsett Park right after Ron emailed me about it.
And Kim asked me if I liked the first season Army Wives just moments after Netflix did.
The Pawnee Sun hacked my email.
I've been hacked! Okay, smashing your phone won't stop hacking.
That's also my phone.
Jerry, quiet! This is serious.
Well, the police said they're gonna launch an investigation to see whether or not I was hacked.
But it's very complicated, and it could take up to a month.
There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy.
And I should know.
I've had many women steal my undershirts.
I have a press conference about the Pawnee Commons in two hours.
So I need to go through every email that I've ever sent, ever.
I need to know what they might use against me.
You can't hack into a typewriter.
That's all I have to say.
Can it, Unabomber.
This is an emergency.
- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.
You wanted to talk to me? Or probably not.
I mean, I don't even want to talk to me.
- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.
I just wanted to thank you so much for your help, Andy.
Sorry we didn't wind up choosing the after-school music program.
It's just-- I totally get it.
The music program would be effective, but the ambulance is gonna help people right now who are in trouble and will probably look good in the media.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
Your morning tea, Mr.
Wyatt.
Imagine all the money you could save if you didn't have to pay for this expensive stuff.
Am I right? You could help, like, a zillion more charities.
Yeah, that's also exactly right.
I feel like I should have thought of that.
Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben.
- What? - I farted five minutes ago.
Didn't even smell it till just now.
That's how tight my pants are.
Anyhow Later days, dudes.
Okay, nothing too bad so far.
There's a "Top Ten Ben's butt 2012 slide show.
" You emailed it to Ben and Ann And The Huffington Post? Yeah, I'm not embarrassed by that.
Who is Todo Toadfoot? You wrote him an email about riding your dragons to Pelennor Fields and signed it "Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland.
" Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters.
I am a little embarrassed by that.
Here's one to me, and it just says "Thanks.
" You're welcome.
Oh, great, I got a new email about the parking lot at the Pawnee Commons.
I keep getting emails all the time! I have to do well at this press conference! Donna! Listen, freaky.
Every single one of my boyfriends has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea Everybody out.
Ann Perkins, I see you behind that attractive purse.
You haven't returned any of my calls.
Yeah, that's because, uh, I'm mortified.
I'm so sorry that I was so weird and blunt.
I am touched and honored that you would even consider me to be the father of your child.
And I'm glad that you came right out and said it.
I mean, if we're really considering this, then we have to start at a place of complete honesty.
You're right.
And I'll start now.
You are a great specimen.
That's a terrible choice of words.
If my baby turned out to be anything like you I'd be lucky.
Can I have just a little bit of time to think about it? Of course, yes.
Take as much time as you want.
Or just maybe, like, a couple days.
'Cause I'm getting antsy.
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.
So, chop-chop.
But take your time.
Wear loose pants! I gotta tell you, Ron.
You were absolutely and totally right.
I know.
Stop talking and get out.
Yep.
The redneck ambulance is a great choice.
We can release a publicity shot of a bucktoothed hayseed taking medicine for the first time in his life.
We can figure out the photo later.
Oh, I forgot! It's Fondue Friday.
Yay! Yeah, also, as President of the foundation, I'm making a few changes.
I'm giving up this office.
And no more visits from a masseuse or fancy lunches.
It's way out of hand.
Sweetie, all the money we spend on the foundation is tax deductible.
I know, and it's a huge waste of money.
I mean, there's plenty of cheap office space around.
And I have an idea for how to use some of the money we'll save.
Get yourself a matching nude portrait? - I can call the painter.
- Please don't.
First, I'd like you all to check under your chairs.
I think you might be surprised and excited by what you find.
- Is it chocolate? - Even better.
It's dirt.
The EPA has recently reviewed our soil samples, and they determined that we achieved, and I quote, "Minimal acceptable standards.
" So not too shabby.
Uh, Councilwoman Knope, you've claimed construction will take 18 months, but a source tells me it will be much longer.
I would-- I would deny that report.
I've also learned that the EPA found midi-chlorians in the soil.
How serious is that, exactly? It's very serious, Kim.
It's almost as serious as email hacking, which is what you have been doing to me for weeks.
I really thought you guys would gasp there.
That is a baseless accusation.
Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.
Which, side-note, was a terrible movie.
It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband.
But that is neither here nor there.
The point is I sent Councilwoman Knope the fake email about the EPA finding midi-chlorians, an hour ago As a trap.
Into which you have fallen.
Well I have never seen Star Wars, because I was too busy hooking up with guys.
Unlike you losers.
Uh, you wanna compare numbers, Terlando? Get to steppin'.
I would just like to point out that Kim Terlando stole all of my jokes for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch, and they were great jokes.
So I spent the whole night writing new ones.
Lucky for you, let's get started.
I'm very excited to be here.
You know who else is excited to be here? - Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.
What a great party of five.
All right, thank you, guys.
The point is, I could use someone to help me at the foundation as a part-time assistant but also an idea man.
Might I suggest Tom? He loves ideas.
Also a man.
What-- No, Andy, I've already chosen the person.
And it is not Tom Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard.
That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.
I think you may have a knack for charitable giving.
Will you come work for me? Uh-oh.
What's happening? Oh.