Reno 911! (2003) s05e15 Episode Script
Undercover Acting Coach
Today, we're testing a brand new riot control device Called a handheld rocket launched riot net, Made of nylon and steel reinforced cables.
It comes out about Basically designed to stop a mob of 20 to 50 drug-crazed people.
Today, we're going to test it on the local high school team, And, uh, you're going to see its effects.
Go ahead, Junior.
Ready, boys? Blue! On 2! Hike! [boom.]
[screaming.]
Run! Unh! Ugh! Get off me! Argh! Stop! I'm the police! Get on the ground! [gunshot.]
[gunfire.]
[indistinct.]
All right.
Ohh! All right, y'all! There's a tornado.
Hell, no! We won't go! Yeah.
Are you my friend? [yelling.]
[siren.]
mtv networks Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning.
Morning, sir.
As you know, our undercover operations Have resulted in one arrest Weigel: Yay! And 71 cases that fell apart In front of the grand jury.
Nobody buys us out in the street 'cause they can smell that we're pigs from a mile away.
We've got to do better, And to that end, We have a very special instructor today.
From the Los Angeles police department, Their undercover acting coach.
Please give your full attention To sergeant Clift of the Los Angeles police department.
Sergeant Clift.
[applause.]
Good morning.
I've been sent here to teach you, basically, how to act.
I have a week to do it.
Anybody familiar with a little movie called Terminator 3? [weigel gasps.]
Oh, ho, ho! I had a speaking role in that movie.
I'm not going in there, sarge.
Johnson: Oh, yeah! Oh, wow! I'm going to make you cops and actors like me, And let me say, The best of this group Will be coming back to Hollywood with me.
[gasps.]
what? I'm kidding.
That's not happening.
Go there on your own.
I did.
When I was a teenager.
I'd do a lot of things I'm not proud of, But, you know what? I got work.
Ok? Well, let's just go through some exercises, shall we? Ok, let's loosen up the mouth.
[babbling.]
[all babbling.]
Problem with the rest of the class? Don't want to participate? I did this this morning before you guys showed up.
Right.
Well, that means you're dead.
You're dead! On the ground.
Show us dead.
If you can't do it with us here, How are you gonna do it on the street? That's gonna get you killed, mister.
You're not even dead.
Your head's up.
Does anybody believe he's dead? All: No.
You think you're dead? No.
Then what are you? Confused.
Don't even look.
Hi.
What's up? Don't even look.
Oh, my god! [retching.]
I guess there was some kind of hold-up in the bird act And, uh [coughing.]
Must've got up to 110 degrees.
There was a panic in the clown car.
[crying.]
they cooked inside! You might want to tell the child to avert his eyes.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Oh, no! [coughing.]
Oh, god! Ohh! [crying.]
Oh! Oh! Oh, the smell.
[coughing and crying.]
Oh, god almighty.
Ohh! Whoo! Oh, ho! Oh, god! Why? Please look down Oh, my god! On this tiny little car.
I always thought There was some sort of trick to this.
Nope.
No, they just all jam in there.
No, they just all jam in there.
Fucking cock! You gotta be kidding me.
[grunts.]
I gotta- I'll be honest.
Now this is just fucking impressive.
I got an idea.
We'll line up the corpses by type.
Hobo clowns, Cirque de soleil-style, Ring master-types, And animal theme.
Where's this one go? Uh- hobo or ring master? 'cause he's kinda- He's got pa- he's got p- with patches.
God damn it.
He's a hobo ring master.
Well, that's one.
[horn honks.]
[grunts.]
Dangle: Well, let's toss him on the pile of corpses.
Officers: Oh! 1! 2! 3! [horn honks.]
It.
Jim: Aw, missed.
Shit.
Get him again.
[horn honks.]
Dep.
James: Pick him up.
Pick him up.
You got him? Yeah, yeah.
Officers: 1! 2! 3! [horn honks.]
oh, fuck.
Dangle: Overshot.
Jones: Overshot.
Get him again.
Clift: Ok, page 33.
The odd couple.
I want you to play Felix And you play Oscar.
Ok? Now, this is the scene Where the pidgeon sisters have left And you're both very sad about it, But there's a mess.
Ok? Williams: Ahem.
Oh- who's gonna clean- Hold it.
Where are we starting? No, let's just start right there on that line.
Action! [whispering.]
I say, who's gonna clean this up? He's not black.
Felix isn't black.
He can be.
It's a choice.
It's not a choice.
She doesn't have a choice.
And there was a black odd couple.
I saw it.
Can you tell the black guy to be quiet while I'm doing my scene? Yeah, there was a black honeymooners, too.
Didn't make no money.
Oh, for crying out loud.
[siren.]
Again with this, huh? Man: Hey! Uh-uh! Sheriff- no, corman.
Hold off.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
Well, we got some new challengers here.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't got challengers.
I already beat everybody in the subdivision.
Oh, yeah! You ready to bring it, brothers? You can't be wrestling back here.
I smell what both of you are cookin' Well, that's good.
We're cookin' up a no-holds-barred, Steel cage royal rumble, brothers.
No, we're cooking up arrest on assault And breaking Who are in no condition To be fighting a 40-year-old man.
I'll let you use all these weapons.
Bring any foreign object.
It's no-holds-barred.
We don't need- everything goes.
[screaming.]
we don't need your permission To use all these weapons.
Do you really want to wrestle? Yeah! Come on, mustache! You want to wrestle somebody Who's not a 120-pound And break his liver? Let's go, mustache! You want to go? Real rules.
We're going real-we're going olympic style.
Whoo! Let's go olympic-style.
Just bring it.
And Go.
[grunting.]
Aah! Aah! [grunting.]
Tag it! Come on now, show off! Tag it! I'll show you how to wrestle, brother.
Aah! Aah! Tag it! Tag it! Show him how we do it.
Ah, shit.
We're going to end up on Youtube again.
I wouldn't have- you know, I would never want to be an actor.
I think being famous like Alf And not being able to go out into public Would be so difficult.
I was cast in the fifth grade In, uh, Oliver! As the pear, And I didn't find out until opening night That there was no pear in Oliver! I should have known better.
Clift: Ok, we may never use this, But it's important that we trust each other.
And how do we do that? With the trust fall.
Junior.
[clunk.]
You're supposed to catch him.
I'm sorry.
I should have mentioned that.
Oh, we should - we should go over all this stuff before.
That's the trust part of it.
That he trusts you to catch him.
Ok, so, trust catches.
Let's call them that.
Hi.
Ha ha.
I'm deputy Jones from the Reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter Have lots of furry friends Who are currently available for adoption.
This little fellow right here is named Diablo.
[barking viciously.]
Yeah.
The devil.
He's got a pretty good disposition, But he's probably not good for a family with small children.
Diablo was used- [growling.]
Diablo was used to guard a laboratory Making crystal methamphetamine, So, he's a little jumpy Around law enforcement-types.
And he doesn't seem to like black folks.
[chuckles.]
But he's available And he has lots of love to give To a white, childless family That doesn't make any sudden movements.
[growling.]
Ho! Oh, all right.
[laughs nervously.]
One of the great things, one of the best things That sergeant Clift is teaching us In the acting classes Is, no matter what happens in the scene, Say, "yes.
" That's what you do.
You gotta keep- you keep it going.
And then that way, you can work That into undercover work.
No matter what happens, you say, "yes, I am.
" That's right.
For example, you want to come to my house And see my mini-fridge? No.
Dangle: Hey, man.
What's going on? I'm just selling the meth.
Yeah.
That's cool.
My old lady's hooked on the junk And, uh, I gotta get her some real bad.
Are you a cop? No way, man.
Not me.
I [bleep.]
hate those cops, those pigs, man.
In fact, I've been on the inside.
What joint were you in? Sit down.
Thank you.
Make up something if you don't know something.
I can think of them now.
I can-I can- now you can.
It doesn't matter now because why? Because you're dead.
Hey, man.
What you need? Uh, I need-I need the good stuff.
[sighs.]
this is funny.
You don't look like a guy who would be, uh Doin' this kind of stuff.
Listen, man.
Listen.
You don't-you don't know where I've been.
Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.
I do! [whispering.]
it's me, man.
It's me, Jimmy.
Dad? Yeah, dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, And I'm sorry for what I've become.
I'm sorry.
[crying.]
[whispering.]
I'm sorry.
Dad.
Dad! I'm sorry.
Scene? Scene.
[applause.]
Oh, my god.
I am happy to be your father in that scene.
That was an honor for me.
Jones: Thank you.
And you know what? I never saw Schwarzenegger Do anything even close to that.
Who? Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh, I thought you said something else.
I thought you said short nigger.
I thought you said short niggers.
Yeah.
You know, you're great in these acting classes.
Oh, thanks.
I'm shocked.
Thanks.
Do you want to, um, work on a love scene? You want to improv one? All right.
I'll improv a scene with you.
Just to practice our-our- Just for-yeah, just for practice.
Practice our improv.
All right.
Sure.
That's perfect, 'cause it's something I would never do, So it's what-let's- let's practice.
Great.
You start.
So, hot night, ain't it? You wanna see my tits? [sighs.]
There's a-a Judy Garland impersonator Who's locked herself in the bathroom.
She's going crazy.
She won't come out.
I have people waiting.
[woman singing.]
She's been like this for the last one 1/2 hours.
Showtime.
Miss Garland? Woman: What do you want? We've got a room that is almost 3/4 full, and- But a full 3/4 full! Of- Well, the rain in my heart is 3/4 full.
[shouting.]
I'm not going out there! That is hotel property, ma'am! Hotel property.
You are on the clock.
Miss Garland- oh, it broke! It broke! Yeah, this is coming out of your profits now.
[shouting.]
I didn't want to break the plant! Oh! I mean- look There's 2 kinds of people in the world.
Regular, dirty laborers.
No, awful, awful people.
And stars.
I'm one of those.
Yeah, and you know what stars do? I'm special.
They sprinkle.
Mm-hmm.
He means twinkle.
Uh, you mean twinkle, right? Mm-hmm.
I don't sprinkle.
sprinkle, sprinkle little Don't call her little.
Yeah, do twinkle, twinkle.
Do you know what it takes to make a star? I'm not sure.
Oh, god! Ok.
She can't perform right now.
This is-I'm screwed.
This is it.
I'm done.
I'm fired.
Sir! Can we interest you in an amateur But very, very polished performance Of Big River? Big River the musical? Yeah.
Huck.
Nigger Jim.
Ok.
oh, look out for me Officers: oh, mighty water your mysteries are deep and wide and I got a need for goin'- Get out there! Get out there right now! and I got a need to climb upon your back and ride and I may be down in pain and sorrow It's a shame we don't have mirrors in here.
[sighs.]
rather sad, uh, day.
We've been invited to a wake At the residence of Big Mike.
[Mike crying.]
man: Don't cry.
Just let it out.
Dangle: Mike Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Jimbo.
So how are you? Lieutenant.
Good to see you, buddy.
Thank you for coming, everyone, To celebrate this loss, This tragedy, so young, Such a sweet one.
And it's all gone.
I don't know if I ever told you, but, uh, Bottomless cup today.
$5 dollars though gets you- buys the cup.
We're not paying for beer.
It's not like I'm getting money for beer, But the cups are 5.
You can go right now, And you can spend 20 for the whole day, 'cause we're going to raffle off that bike later.
And then, the dance later on, That we're having later- We got the christmas lights still in part of the tree.
We're going to turn 'em all on.
[giggles.]
everybody dances.
I can't remember the last time I had a raffle and a dance at a wake.
And then, just take your gifts, Put 'em right on the gift table.
Williams: Oh, you have gifts, too? Dangle: Who's the presents for Presents for G-grief.
[stammering.]
I'm not-I'm sorry.
But I'm not clear on what your deceased is.
What- the deceased is a tragedy.
Williams: Mm-hmm.
[bawling.]
God damn it.
Here's to my son.
[crying.]
Johnson: Maybe he was like his son? Williams: Big Mike, you do not have a son.
Dangle: You don't have a son, Mike.
Mmm, I think I do.
What? That's just sick- How dare you! You keep pornography in a coffin? If sergeant Clift were a better actor- Yeah? He could have quit being a cop.
He wouldn't have to do these dumb seminars.
That's true.
That's how I feel about my potholder business.
If that had gone well, I wouldn't have to be doing all this.
I didn't know you had a potholder business.
Yeah, see? Nobody does.
That's the problem.
Clift: All right.
Let's take a little drive.
Ahh.
What you going to do With all the land, Billy? I'm probably going to sell it, Johnny, And buy some crystal methamphetamine.
Are you selling any? No, that would be illegal.
Are you just saying that Because you're trying to sell me Some crystal methamphetamine? A- are you asking me? Is that a question or a statement? But if you're halfway, it's not really either.
[claps hand.]
ok? Are we going to score some [high voice.]
crystal methamphetamine? See what I'm saying? Is your arm broken? Yeah, I don't know what that is either.
Dangle: Or are you out the window? I'm out the window.
Ok, well, the window's up here, And the door handle was down here, So what kind of car is that? I mean, that's space work.
Space work is simple.
Everybody's been doing space work all day.
Yeah, I've never seen a car like that.
Everybody's coming along except you.
Ok? Here's good.
Here's crap.
Here's you looking up at crap.
You told us to call him on it When he goes to anger- Well, yeah, but we haven't got all day.
I didn't just go to anger, I'm really fucking angry! Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Hold it.
Use it! I pantomimed the god damn door.
I rolled down the window.
I stuck my hand out.
When we go on undercover stings, We're going to have an actual car.
Williams: You can't take criticism! What are you going to do with that land, Billy? I'm going to buy some Fucking crystal methamphetamine with it, 'cause my daddy fucking makes me sick! That's what I'm talking about.
[all cheering.]
That is a standing "o", my friend.
Jones: Take a bow.
Yes.
Look at me.
All dressed in my beautiful prom dress And ready to go to the prom.
[moaning.]
[gasps.]
Susie I am the ghost of drunk driving.
You won't be going to the dance tonight Because you died drunk driving On your way to the dance tonight.
[screaming on recording in background.]
[whispering.]
to drink.
Mm-hmm? I only had 4 drinks.
Oh, but I only had And they were so delicious.
You're no longer dressed for the prom.
[screaming continues.]
Now you're dressed For hell.
Both: Where drunk drivers go.
Hell.
Scene.
Scene.
Any questions? Miss? Is one of your nuts Smaller than the other? Yes.
Let me just say I am so proud of you people.
All right.
Everybody got their character? Gwen Johnson, career criminal With nothing to lose.
Nice.
Rita from Fresno, And I'm afraid of enclosed spaces.
Good.
Enrique Valdez From Arlington, Texas.
I like it.
Pope Jones, fresh off the bus from trekkie.
All right.
People, let's buy some meth.
Let's make a bust.
[indistinct chatter.]
Man: It feels real, right? Here it comes.
You don't ever show 'em the stuff, Until you see the money.
[spanish accent.]
hey, how you doing, poppy? Second man: Dude, it's the cops, man.
What's going on? Cops! Cops! [gunfire.]
[screaming.]
Clift: Go! Go! Hey! Go! Go! Come on! Run! Williams: Come in! Come in! Hey, go! Go! Go! Go! Cherisha, go! [all yelling.]
Weigel: Oh, my god! You bastards! Oh, my god! I taught you everything you know! Terminator 3 is one of the seminal Terminator films.
I think I'm thinking of the right one.
Seminal? What does- Most important.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, well, yeah.
Yeah.
That's the one with the liquid metal.
I think I'm thinking of the right one.
I think so.
Which one is the one With the liquid metal guy? I think it's 3.
Oh.
I don't know if I've seen 3.
So we actually finally got a copy Terminator 3- rise of the machines.
Uh, featuring Sergeant Clift.
All right.
Hit it.
Woman on tv: When you cheat- All: Yeah! Get some! Get him, Terminator.
Get him! Come on! Come on! All: Oh! Oh! [indistinct.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! [laughing.]
Is he a real guy or is he a monster? He's a Terminator.
[all talking at once.]
There's a good one- it's complicated.
It's very complicated.
No time.
There's no time to explain.
No time to explain.
You should have seen one and 2.
Clift on tv: I'm not going in there, sarge.
Dangle: Wow.
Jones: Whoa.
God damn it, he's good.
He's good.
mtv networks I got you something.
It's in the glove box.
A ring.
That was my daddy's.
Might be a little big for you, But we could get a chain And put it around that neck of yours.
I want to be your daddy.
[whispering.]
I want you to be my mama.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Oh, my god! [screaming.]
Captioned by the national captioning Their dream is over.
It comes out about Basically designed to stop a mob of 20 to 50 drug-crazed people.
Today, we're going to test it on the local high school team, And, uh, you're going to see its effects.
Go ahead, Junior.
Ready, boys? Blue! On 2! Hike! [boom.]
[screaming.]
Run! Unh! Ugh! Get off me! Argh! Stop! I'm the police! Get on the ground! [gunshot.]
[gunfire.]
[indistinct.]
All right.
Ohh! All right, y'all! There's a tornado.
Hell, no! We won't go! Yeah.
Are you my friend? [yelling.]
[siren.]
mtv networks Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning.
Morning, sir.
As you know, our undercover operations Have resulted in one arrest Weigel: Yay! And 71 cases that fell apart In front of the grand jury.
Nobody buys us out in the street 'cause they can smell that we're pigs from a mile away.
We've got to do better, And to that end, We have a very special instructor today.
From the Los Angeles police department, Their undercover acting coach.
Please give your full attention To sergeant Clift of the Los Angeles police department.
Sergeant Clift.
[applause.]
Good morning.
I've been sent here to teach you, basically, how to act.
I have a week to do it.
Anybody familiar with a little movie called Terminator 3? [weigel gasps.]
Oh, ho, ho! I had a speaking role in that movie.
I'm not going in there, sarge.
Johnson: Oh, yeah! Oh, wow! I'm going to make you cops and actors like me, And let me say, The best of this group Will be coming back to Hollywood with me.
[gasps.]
what? I'm kidding.
That's not happening.
Go there on your own.
I did.
When I was a teenager.
I'd do a lot of things I'm not proud of, But, you know what? I got work.
Ok? Well, let's just go through some exercises, shall we? Ok, let's loosen up the mouth.
[babbling.]
[all babbling.]
Problem with the rest of the class? Don't want to participate? I did this this morning before you guys showed up.
Right.
Well, that means you're dead.
You're dead! On the ground.
Show us dead.
If you can't do it with us here, How are you gonna do it on the street? That's gonna get you killed, mister.
You're not even dead.
Your head's up.
Does anybody believe he's dead? All: No.
You think you're dead? No.
Then what are you? Confused.
Don't even look.
Hi.
What's up? Don't even look.
Oh, my god! [retching.]
I guess there was some kind of hold-up in the bird act And, uh [coughing.]
Must've got up to 110 degrees.
There was a panic in the clown car.
[crying.]
they cooked inside! You might want to tell the child to avert his eyes.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Oh, no! [coughing.]
Oh, god! Ohh! [crying.]
Oh! Oh! Oh, the smell.
[coughing and crying.]
Oh, god almighty.
Ohh! Whoo! Oh, ho! Oh, god! Why? Please look down Oh, my god! On this tiny little car.
I always thought There was some sort of trick to this.
Nope.
No, they just all jam in there.
No, they just all jam in there.
Fucking cock! You gotta be kidding me.
[grunts.]
I gotta- I'll be honest.
Now this is just fucking impressive.
I got an idea.
We'll line up the corpses by type.
Hobo clowns, Cirque de soleil-style, Ring master-types, And animal theme.
Where's this one go? Uh- hobo or ring master? 'cause he's kinda- He's got pa- he's got p- with patches.
God damn it.
He's a hobo ring master.
Well, that's one.
[horn honks.]
[grunts.]
Dangle: Well, let's toss him on the pile of corpses.
Officers: Oh! 1! 2! 3! [horn honks.]
It.
Jim: Aw, missed.
Shit.
Get him again.
[horn honks.]
Dep.
James: Pick him up.
Pick him up.
You got him? Yeah, yeah.
Officers: 1! 2! 3! [horn honks.]
oh, fuck.
Dangle: Overshot.
Jones: Overshot.
Get him again.
Clift: Ok, page 33.
The odd couple.
I want you to play Felix And you play Oscar.
Ok? Now, this is the scene Where the pidgeon sisters have left And you're both very sad about it, But there's a mess.
Ok? Williams: Ahem.
Oh- who's gonna clean- Hold it.
Where are we starting? No, let's just start right there on that line.
Action! [whispering.]
I say, who's gonna clean this up? He's not black.
Felix isn't black.
He can be.
It's a choice.
It's not a choice.
She doesn't have a choice.
And there was a black odd couple.
I saw it.
Can you tell the black guy to be quiet while I'm doing my scene? Yeah, there was a black honeymooners, too.
Didn't make no money.
Oh, for crying out loud.
[siren.]
Again with this, huh? Man: Hey! Uh-uh! Sheriff- no, corman.
Hold off.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
Well, we got some new challengers here.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't got challengers.
I already beat everybody in the subdivision.
Oh, yeah! You ready to bring it, brothers? You can't be wrestling back here.
I smell what both of you are cookin' Well, that's good.
We're cookin' up a no-holds-barred, Steel cage royal rumble, brothers.
No, we're cooking up arrest on assault And breaking Who are in no condition To be fighting a 40-year-old man.
I'll let you use all these weapons.
Bring any foreign object.
It's no-holds-barred.
We don't need- everything goes.
[screaming.]
we don't need your permission To use all these weapons.
Do you really want to wrestle? Yeah! Come on, mustache! You want to wrestle somebody Who's not a 120-pound And break his liver? Let's go, mustache! You want to go? Real rules.
We're going real-we're going olympic style.
Whoo! Let's go olympic-style.
Just bring it.
And Go.
[grunting.]
Aah! Aah! [grunting.]
Tag it! Come on now, show off! Tag it! I'll show you how to wrestle, brother.
Aah! Aah! Tag it! Tag it! Show him how we do it.
Ah, shit.
We're going to end up on Youtube again.
I wouldn't have- you know, I would never want to be an actor.
I think being famous like Alf And not being able to go out into public Would be so difficult.
I was cast in the fifth grade In, uh, Oliver! As the pear, And I didn't find out until opening night That there was no pear in Oliver! I should have known better.
Clift: Ok, we may never use this, But it's important that we trust each other.
And how do we do that? With the trust fall.
Junior.
[clunk.]
You're supposed to catch him.
I'm sorry.
I should have mentioned that.
Oh, we should - we should go over all this stuff before.
That's the trust part of it.
That he trusts you to catch him.
Ok, so, trust catches.
Let's call them that.
Hi.
Ha ha.
I'm deputy Jones from the Reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter Have lots of furry friends Who are currently available for adoption.
This little fellow right here is named Diablo.
[barking viciously.]
Yeah.
The devil.
He's got a pretty good disposition, But he's probably not good for a family with small children.
Diablo was used- [growling.]
Diablo was used to guard a laboratory Making crystal methamphetamine, So, he's a little jumpy Around law enforcement-types.
And he doesn't seem to like black folks.
[chuckles.]
But he's available And he has lots of love to give To a white, childless family That doesn't make any sudden movements.
[growling.]
Ho! Oh, all right.
[laughs nervously.]
One of the great things, one of the best things That sergeant Clift is teaching us In the acting classes Is, no matter what happens in the scene, Say, "yes.
" That's what you do.
You gotta keep- you keep it going.
And then that way, you can work That into undercover work.
No matter what happens, you say, "yes, I am.
" That's right.
For example, you want to come to my house And see my mini-fridge? No.
Dangle: Hey, man.
What's going on? I'm just selling the meth.
Yeah.
That's cool.
My old lady's hooked on the junk And, uh, I gotta get her some real bad.
Are you a cop? No way, man.
Not me.
I [bleep.]
hate those cops, those pigs, man.
In fact, I've been on the inside.
What joint were you in? Sit down.
Thank you.
Make up something if you don't know something.
I can think of them now.
I can-I can- now you can.
It doesn't matter now because why? Because you're dead.
Hey, man.
What you need? Uh, I need-I need the good stuff.
[sighs.]
this is funny.
You don't look like a guy who would be, uh Doin' this kind of stuff.
Listen, man.
Listen.
You don't-you don't know where I've been.
Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.
I do! [whispering.]
it's me, man.
It's me, Jimmy.
Dad? Yeah, dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, And I'm sorry for what I've become.
I'm sorry.
[crying.]
[whispering.]
I'm sorry.
Dad.
Dad! I'm sorry.
Scene? Scene.
[applause.]
Oh, my god.
I am happy to be your father in that scene.
That was an honor for me.
Jones: Thank you.
And you know what? I never saw Schwarzenegger Do anything even close to that.
Who? Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh, I thought you said something else.
I thought you said short nigger.
I thought you said short niggers.
Yeah.
You know, you're great in these acting classes.
Oh, thanks.
I'm shocked.
Thanks.
Do you want to, um, work on a love scene? You want to improv one? All right.
I'll improv a scene with you.
Just to practice our-our- Just for-yeah, just for practice.
Practice our improv.
All right.
Sure.
That's perfect, 'cause it's something I would never do, So it's what-let's- let's practice.
Great.
You start.
So, hot night, ain't it? You wanna see my tits? [sighs.]
There's a-a Judy Garland impersonator Who's locked herself in the bathroom.
She's going crazy.
She won't come out.
I have people waiting.
[woman singing.]
She's been like this for the last one 1/2 hours.
Showtime.
Miss Garland? Woman: What do you want? We've got a room that is almost 3/4 full, and- But a full 3/4 full! Of- Well, the rain in my heart is 3/4 full.
[shouting.]
I'm not going out there! That is hotel property, ma'am! Hotel property.
You are on the clock.
Miss Garland- oh, it broke! It broke! Yeah, this is coming out of your profits now.
[shouting.]
I didn't want to break the plant! Oh! I mean- look There's 2 kinds of people in the world.
Regular, dirty laborers.
No, awful, awful people.
And stars.
I'm one of those.
Yeah, and you know what stars do? I'm special.
They sprinkle.
Mm-hmm.
He means twinkle.
Uh, you mean twinkle, right? Mm-hmm.
I don't sprinkle.
sprinkle, sprinkle little Don't call her little.
Yeah, do twinkle, twinkle.
Do you know what it takes to make a star? I'm not sure.
Oh, god! Ok.
She can't perform right now.
This is-I'm screwed.
This is it.
I'm done.
I'm fired.
Sir! Can we interest you in an amateur But very, very polished performance Of Big River? Big River the musical? Yeah.
Huck.
Nigger Jim.
Ok.
oh, look out for me Officers: oh, mighty water your mysteries are deep and wide and I got a need for goin'- Get out there! Get out there right now! and I got a need to climb upon your back and ride and I may be down in pain and sorrow It's a shame we don't have mirrors in here.
[sighs.]
rather sad, uh, day.
We've been invited to a wake At the residence of Big Mike.
[Mike crying.]
man: Don't cry.
Just let it out.
Dangle: Mike Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Jimbo.
So how are you? Lieutenant.
Good to see you, buddy.
Thank you for coming, everyone, To celebrate this loss, This tragedy, so young, Such a sweet one.
And it's all gone.
I don't know if I ever told you, but, uh, Bottomless cup today.
$5 dollars though gets you- buys the cup.
We're not paying for beer.
It's not like I'm getting money for beer, But the cups are 5.
You can go right now, And you can spend 20 for the whole day, 'cause we're going to raffle off that bike later.
And then, the dance later on, That we're having later- We got the christmas lights still in part of the tree.
We're going to turn 'em all on.
[giggles.]
everybody dances.
I can't remember the last time I had a raffle and a dance at a wake.
And then, just take your gifts, Put 'em right on the gift table.
Williams: Oh, you have gifts, too? Dangle: Who's the presents for Presents for G-grief.
[stammering.]
I'm not-I'm sorry.
But I'm not clear on what your deceased is.
What- the deceased is a tragedy.
Williams: Mm-hmm.
[bawling.]
God damn it.
Here's to my son.
[crying.]
Johnson: Maybe he was like his son? Williams: Big Mike, you do not have a son.
Dangle: You don't have a son, Mike.
Mmm, I think I do.
What? That's just sick- How dare you! You keep pornography in a coffin? If sergeant Clift were a better actor- Yeah? He could have quit being a cop.
He wouldn't have to do these dumb seminars.
That's true.
That's how I feel about my potholder business.
If that had gone well, I wouldn't have to be doing all this.
I didn't know you had a potholder business.
Yeah, see? Nobody does.
That's the problem.
Clift: All right.
Let's take a little drive.
Ahh.
What you going to do With all the land, Billy? I'm probably going to sell it, Johnny, And buy some crystal methamphetamine.
Are you selling any? No, that would be illegal.
Are you just saying that Because you're trying to sell me Some crystal methamphetamine? A- are you asking me? Is that a question or a statement? But if you're halfway, it's not really either.
[claps hand.]
ok? Are we going to score some [high voice.]
crystal methamphetamine? See what I'm saying? Is your arm broken? Yeah, I don't know what that is either.
Dangle: Or are you out the window? I'm out the window.
Ok, well, the window's up here, And the door handle was down here, So what kind of car is that? I mean, that's space work.
Space work is simple.
Everybody's been doing space work all day.
Yeah, I've never seen a car like that.
Everybody's coming along except you.
Ok? Here's good.
Here's crap.
Here's you looking up at crap.
You told us to call him on it When he goes to anger- Well, yeah, but we haven't got all day.
I didn't just go to anger, I'm really fucking angry! Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Hold it.
Use it! I pantomimed the god damn door.
I rolled down the window.
I stuck my hand out.
When we go on undercover stings, We're going to have an actual car.
Williams: You can't take criticism! What are you going to do with that land, Billy? I'm going to buy some Fucking crystal methamphetamine with it, 'cause my daddy fucking makes me sick! That's what I'm talking about.
[all cheering.]
That is a standing "o", my friend.
Jones: Take a bow.
Yes.
Look at me.
All dressed in my beautiful prom dress And ready to go to the prom.
[moaning.]
[gasps.]
Susie I am the ghost of drunk driving.
You won't be going to the dance tonight Because you died drunk driving On your way to the dance tonight.
[screaming on recording in background.]
[whispering.]
to drink.
Mm-hmm? I only had 4 drinks.
Oh, but I only had And they were so delicious.
You're no longer dressed for the prom.
[screaming continues.]
Now you're dressed For hell.
Both: Where drunk drivers go.
Hell.
Scene.
Scene.
Any questions? Miss? Is one of your nuts Smaller than the other? Yes.
Let me just say I am so proud of you people.
All right.
Everybody got their character? Gwen Johnson, career criminal With nothing to lose.
Nice.
Rita from Fresno, And I'm afraid of enclosed spaces.
Good.
Enrique Valdez From Arlington, Texas.
I like it.
Pope Jones, fresh off the bus from trekkie.
All right.
People, let's buy some meth.
Let's make a bust.
[indistinct chatter.]
Man: It feels real, right? Here it comes.
You don't ever show 'em the stuff, Until you see the money.
[spanish accent.]
hey, how you doing, poppy? Second man: Dude, it's the cops, man.
What's going on? Cops! Cops! [gunfire.]
[screaming.]
Clift: Go! Go! Hey! Go! Go! Come on! Run! Williams: Come in! Come in! Hey, go! Go! Go! Go! Cherisha, go! [all yelling.]
Weigel: Oh, my god! You bastards! Oh, my god! I taught you everything you know! Terminator 3 is one of the seminal Terminator films.
I think I'm thinking of the right one.
Seminal? What does- Most important.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, well, yeah.
Yeah.
That's the one with the liquid metal.
I think I'm thinking of the right one.
I think so.
Which one is the one With the liquid metal guy? I think it's 3.
Oh.
I don't know if I've seen 3.
So we actually finally got a copy Terminator 3- rise of the machines.
Uh, featuring Sergeant Clift.
All right.
Hit it.
Woman on tv: When you cheat- All: Yeah! Get some! Get him, Terminator.
Get him! Come on! Come on! All: Oh! Oh! [indistinct.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! [laughing.]
Is he a real guy or is he a monster? He's a Terminator.
[all talking at once.]
There's a good one- it's complicated.
It's very complicated.
No time.
There's no time to explain.
No time to explain.
You should have seen one and 2.
Clift on tv: I'm not going in there, sarge.
Dangle: Wow.
Jones: Whoa.
God damn it, he's good.
He's good.
mtv networks I got you something.
It's in the glove box.
A ring.
That was my daddy's.
Might be a little big for you, But we could get a chain And put it around that neck of yours.
I want to be your daddy.
[whispering.]
I want you to be my mama.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Oh, my god! [screaming.]
Captioned by the national captioning Their dream is over.