Scrubs s05e15 Episode Script

Now that Elliot and Keith were serious, she started buying him gifts.
It's a mouth harp! Oh, awesome! Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents.
But you know what he was best at? Keith, we need more popcorn, yeah.
Being girl bait.
Here's how it goes down.
Keith comes back, Elliot marks her territory so the girls know he's taken, and I pick off one of the smaller ones that comes by for a look-see.
I'm a doctor.
I'm a landowner.
Burt Reynolds is my father.
I love sports.
Keith, more popcorn.
See, that's how it works.
You have the cutest hair.
These old rags? OK, OK.
So you're both fertile, yet you're still unable to conceive, so How often do you make love? - Twice today.
- Actually, it was three times.
You were asleep for the last one.
- Wow.
That really happened? - Mm-hm.
It was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
He is not allowed to dream about me.
It gets too freaky.
Cirque du Soleil freaky.
One time, she was skinless.
OK.
Stress is often a factor in conception.
So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue? I swear, if you don't knock me up tonight, there's no more sex until you steal me a baby.
So do it right this time.
There's a little stress.
OK, the antibiotics have brought your fever down.
Is there anything else I can do? Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Streetcar Named Desire.
Would you mind running lines with me? I'd be happy to.
"If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
" I can't believe you think I'd do this with you.
Are you insane? Seriously, I'm a doctor.
What page are you on? Oh Why didn't you just read lines with the old guy? My job is to make sick people better, not to help Bernie score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night.
Sometimes, you got to go the extra mile with patients.
That's what makes me such a special doctor.
That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth seamlessly between male and female genitalia.
Ooh Newbie, snap out of it.
We don't have time for your daydreaming.
I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease.
You've got to be there for people.
Take Mrs.
Cohen.
When she broke her hip, I treated that.
She also left her car double-parked, so being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it.
Sorry.
It's been a little while since I drove stick.
Wonder how she got out of that truck? That's how she broke her hip.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # All I'm saying is it's important to go the extra mile with patients.
It's like I was telling this girl.
- Why tell her? - I didn't.
I wanted to show you who I'm going out with.
Look, Newbie, there's a reason that I can't go the extra mile with patients.
- It's something personal.
- You can confide in me.
I'm a good doctor.
Kelly Ripa! It didn't bother me Dr.
Cox had "Kelly Ripa'd" me, because I knew it would never catch on, no matter how much he wanted it to.
This, however, did upset me.
Uh, Carol, we got the bone marrow biopsy back and, uh I'm afraid you have leukemia.
What? Yes.
But the good news is it's very treatable.
We have to get started right away.
In four and a half years, I've watched your pal, Stephanie, go through a multitude of irritating fads: UGG boots, campaign for better grammar among staff and the double European air-kiss.
Seeing as you are sorority sisters, I was hoping you'd be able to tell me when this "extra mile" crap will end.
Oh, it's never gonna end.
He's relentless.
Why do you think I was out Sunday buying comics for my patient? They're giving away free Tastykakes at the comic book store? Ha-ha! That worked better when you were a fat load.
- I know.
- Damn it! All right, Jake, here it is, the latest Vengeance.
I had to travel to five stores to find that.
This is last month's.
I'll track down the new one for you, but right now, I got to make sure I have a job next year, OK? Since there were only three attending spots for ten residents, Dr.
Kelso could basically treat them like his own personal valets.
All-day sucker, my ass.
Try 20 minutes.
Sir, quick question.
Make it very quick.
I'm about to vomit.
Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient? Mr.
Sommer is the cousin of one of the trustees.
Not important enough to warrant face time with me, but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him, - it'll be my ass.
- Carla, can you cover my patients? - She's watching someone for me.
- I'll find somebody.
Because I'm just a nurse, I can't look after everybody? - Precisely.
- J.
D.
, why don't you tell me what's wrong with Mrs.
Jones? Without looking at a chart.
Carla knew, without charts, doctors didn't know much about patients.
Mr.
Barry, I misplaced your chart.
I forgot, what's wrong with you again? Oh, that's right.
You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth.
Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy? Cootchie-cootchie.
It's not like nurses know everything.
Uh-oh.
Carla's gearing up to explode.
Save yourself.
Attempt the casual side-switch.
And you're there.
Now angry at Kelso.
- Bob, how dare you? - Exactly.
You're worried about what I can handle? Vascular Surgery wants an update every two hours, I'm weaning Mrs.
Jones' dopamine from ten mikes to five, Meyerson's abdominal wound is dehiscing and Mr.
Wilder is turfed to Psych.
He thinks he's Flo from Alice.
Kiss my grits! Exactly, Flo! Exactly! I hope you learned something today.
Get a load of Mr.
Extra Mile Guy's leukemia patient, sitting in there all by herself.
He's probably out getting a cake shaped like a cancerous white blood cell.
All right, team, let's stay close.
Come on.
Carol! Look who I found.
Larry? Dad? How? Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad and we started a phone tree to find everyone.
There were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.
You are the most amazing doctor.
Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet.
What's that? That's right, it's a mile.
And how does that makes me feel? Keith! Thank you.
Attention, surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year.
The annual blood drive is upon us and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr.
Prick.
We'll probably change the name.
I'm so sick of this.
If the jobs were given to whoever is the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
It's the same on medical.
The only reason I got that oncology rotation is I let Dr.
Morgan take me - to his brother's wedding.
- Ricky Morgan? - He works in the cafeteria.
- What?! - What.
- Listen, kissing ass is just the way it's done around here, and there's nothing you can do about it.
We have to all band together and agree not to be exploited by Dr.
Kelso.
From now on, we will only be judged by our skill and abilities.
Who's with me? That's right! That's right! From here on out, no more getting him coffee, no more washing his car, no more taking his son to the local steam baths to meet men.
Well, hey, you guys got him coffee.
"Together" on three.
One, two, three.
- Together! - Let's go! What are you doing? Chief of medicine said to pay special attention, and I take a couple of seconds to get to know my patients.
So, first question, are you allergic to any? Psst! - What? - I need some advice.
- Which do you prefer? - What's the occasion? Me wiping up gunk.
I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack and I assumed I could have it.
The Armani is very affective on urine, - whereas the Yves Saint Laurent is - No, no.
What? Where'd he go? Carol's family welcomed me as one of their own.
No more than her brother, Larry.
- Eagle! - I told you not to call me Lawrence.
And I told you I never get dizzy.
OK.
Let me tell you guys why we are here.
Carol is starting a journey, OK? Obviously, the chemo is gonna be tough, but we're all here for you.
Anything you go through, we go through together.
So you've all banded together.
I honestly never thought I'd see the day when we would pick the three surgeons who would care for people of this great hospital based solely on merit.
I hope you're proud of yourselves.
This is a preliminary ranking of your technical skills.
So whenever you get a chance Life in a hospital is constantly humbling.
Whether it's making you realize you're not as skilled as you thought Fourth?! I'm fourth? or as on the ball as you thought.
- How's Mr.
Sommer doing? - Actually, sir He's perfectly fine, sir.
He's in tiptop shape.
Good.
Ow! What, are you wearing, a cup? People try to hit me there more than you'd think.
The key is to be ready for it.
I was not ready for this.
Since Carol is gonna lose her hair, we decided we'd all shave our heads now.
He even agreed to do the cutting.
You're up next, big guy.
I mean, come on.
You're all in this together, right? I can't believe you all shaved your heads.
How great.
Even Nana.
And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.
Are you ready to run the extra mile? You can't let him know you don't want to do this.
Meet his gaze.
Meet it twice as hard! Dr.
Dorian, we need you.
Mr.
Bentley's condition is getting worse.
God bless his herpes.
I'm gonna go take care of that man.
When I come back Pause for effect.
Pause for effect.
we're gonna shave this thing.
- Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! How the hell could I be fourth?! I know Bonnie's good and Figsack has mad hands, but somehow, I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon.
How come you didn't page me about that consult? I did.
You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip.
Ladies and gentlemen, number two.
Kelso's gonna kill me.
I can't find Mr.
Sommer.
Did you look between Mr.
Spring and Mr.
Fall? - Too easy.
- Hey, you know? - More armor? - No.
Actually, I am sneaking trays out of the cafeteria.
I'm building a shed.
This is partially your fault, so you're gonna help me.
You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps.
Right now, I'm looking for something, and I know I came to the vending machine, then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here, and, yep, there you are.
As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em.
They're like children.
Big dead children.
I treated that girl at the free clinic.
She was born without nipples.
I knew there had to be something wrong! She's too perfect.
I was kidding, J.
D.
I have never seen her in my life.
Kelly Ripa! - I told you it would catch on.
- I don't think it's funny.
How's that leukemia patient doing? I'm hiding.
I really don't want to be bald.
I have a suspicion it won't work for me.
It might accentuate my spoon-chest.
- Yeah.
- Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
She's got to be interested in more than just your hair.
If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you.
I'm sure there's something else she's into.
No, there's nothing else.
There is.
Even if she won't admit it.
You know what, I'm stuck.
I have to shave this down.
You don't have to go the extra mile.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
What happened to the days when you used to listen to me? That was a long time ago.
You should listen to me.
Not in this lifetime.
Listen, Newbie, you're not a completely, terribly, horrible, incompetent doctor.
While I would never let any blood relatives be your patient, if it was someone that I knew, an acquaintance, I might be OK with you treating them.
Thank you.
The only thing you owe Carol is to treat her the best you can.
Hey, where you been? Oh, Larry, man.
I don't think I can shave my head.
What about Carol? She'll be OK.
She has all you guys.
- You look over there.
- Mm-hm.
Excuse me, nurse.
Hi! How 'bout a poke? I have a husband, OK? And he's big and he's black and Baby, baby, it's me! But I do love that you go to that big and black stuff.
I can't wait to bear the fruit of your loins.
Baby, wait! This is the only way I can suck up to Kelso without the surgeons knowing.
There you are.
- You're not Mr.
Sommer.
- No, I'm not.
No harm done.
What's up with y'all? Ahh! Hey, Dr.
Turk.
What happened to you? I found the latest issue at a comic book store a mile and a half away.
Here you go.
Actually, I ran there in a foam needle suit, but you don't care.
Thanks, Dr.
Turk.
Christopher, I heard you were sweating the rankings.
No.
I'm married and trying to have a baby.
Not having a job would be a big boost for me.
You're a good surgeon.
Plus, your bedside manner is really important.
There's no one on that list who spends more time with their patients.
Are you saying I have a job? If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me right now, I will freak out.
I got a job! Well, the good news is, his head isn't in the storage room.
I once found a head.
It's a funny story.
I put it in my locker.
I didn't have time to get to Lost and Found, forgot all about it.
Come back to work on Monday, open my locker, whoa! Head! Plus rats! I panicked.
I didn't know what to do.
I grabbed the thing and ran up to the roof, punt it, and I shank it wide-left.
It's heading straight down, right for Kelso sitting in his convertible.
I'm done.
I'm out of a job, right? Wrong.
At that second, a hawk flies in, grabs the thing and flies off with it.
I know what you're thinking.
We're in a city.
What's a hawk doing there? I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.
Dr.
Reid, I need to meet you in Radiology to go over some test results.
Yeah, it's over, Ricky.
I know you're stealing trays.
Stop it.
Buzz off.
Carla, the orderly lost my chart for Mr.
Tyler in 406.
Would we have his dosages? You put him on penicillin, but he was allergic, so you put him on vancomycin.
Thank you.
Wish you put some of that crazy-nurse memory to use on our missing dude.
Well, he was an older guy and he was on an IV, so he couldn't have gotten very far.
He was jittery and he had this weird circle tan line on his arm.
It was the nicotine patch.
He was trying to quit smoking.
Should I not be out here? There he is, Mr.
Spot on His Lungs.
Don't worry, we'll pop that lung out, get it to the dry cleaners and have it back to you after five.
We like to have fun.
I made up that whole hawk story.
Yeah.
I know you're not as weird as you want people to think you are.
Whoa! Nana! How you doing? Looking hot in the tracksuit.
Gym's on the second floor.
Date time.
Dude.
There you are.
Two things.
First, aliens are here wearing tracksuits.
- Oh, no, that's Nana.
- Second I got a job.
- Nice.
- If you hadn't pushed me to do that extra mile stuff, that wouldn't have happened, so thank you.
You got a hottie waiting for you at the bar.
You go get her! - Where were we? - Do I smell banana conditioner? That's one of my conditioners, yes.
As great as this was, I couldn't stop thinking about what Turk said This girl really digs hair.
It's hard getting what happens at the hospital out of your head.
Ah! How was your first stress-free day? Horrible.
You? Worse.
Let's make a baby.
If it doesn't work this time, I'll kill myself.
Not helping with the stress.
I knew if I didn't leave that bar and go back, I'd never be able to enjoy any of the simple things, even a woman eating my former bangs.
Voilà.
See, that's the thing about being an extra mile guy.
You never know who it's gonna rub off on.
"Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.
" "Oh, have you, Stanley? I wasn't expecting any.
" - "I hope you like it.
" - Aw - You're hating this, aren't you? - No, that's not it at all.
I don't believe for a second that you really want me to leave.
You gotta feel it, Lyle.
Get involved.
What do you people say? Let's take it from the top? "Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.
" Again.
Do it with some force.