Spin City s05e15 Episode Script

Stuart, you're packing up? Well, it was a pleasure working with you.
You are a unique individual.
I didn't get fired.
Carter, it was a pleasure working with you.
You're a unique individual.
We emptied out our storage unit.
Oh, cool my old duck phone! I remember those.
They don't ring, they quack.
Actually, this one's a factory reject.
It barks.
Wow! Listen to this "from the moment I laid eyes on you, "I saw my future in your face.
"I saw the person I hoped to become "and what we can become together.
Love alwaysStuart.
" You wrote that drivel? Charlie, this is sweet.
Women love this stuff.
Make me a copy.
Who is "my darling Anne"? No one.
It was just a writing assignment for a class.
Was part of the assignment to marinate it in old spice? It's not that bad.
I'm getting a whiff over here.
Why don't you guys mind your own business? How can my approval ratings be down? We think it's because you haven't come through on all your campaign promises.
Today every new yorker enjoys lower crime and cleaner streets.
True, but they still don't have their New York City team jackets.
I had no idea that would cost $70 million.
If your ratings drop lower, we could lose support to renovate the central park zoo.
That zoo means a lot to me.
It's where my dad took me as a kid.
It's where I discovered my love for pandas.
It's where I lost my virginity.
I hope those last two aren't related.
Don't worry, sir.
To boost your approval rating, I've hired you an image consultant.
You did what?! I wasn't notified.
Why do I need to notify you about every decision? To make sure things get done right.
I'm as qualified to make decisions as you.
I am communications director! I'm the deputy mayor.
And I'm the mayor.
I thought we were announcing our job titles.
Hello.
I'm Julia rhodes.
Charlie Crawford.
I hope you can light up the mayor's image the way you light up a room.
I'm sorry did I walk into happy hour at bennigan's? I'm mayor Winston.
Nice to meet you.
It's an honor, sir.
Work on handshake.
Well, I didn't squeeze hard because you're a woman.
Can be condescending.
Sir, Julia set up a focus group to try to isolate the problem with your image.
A focus group? Oh, I have to warn you, I don't take criticism well.
Doesn't take criticism well.
Oh, come on! I just gave you that one! Sorry.
I get a little carried away sometimes.
I'm just really excited about working with you.
Sir, we have that 11:00.
Julia, I'll see you at lunch.
Well, thank you.
Better.
How's this thing work, exactly? Test, test.
Charlie Crawford Charlie, I have a strict rule about dating people I work with I have to like them.
So I'd appreciate it if you'd picture me more as a co-worker than as a woman you're attracted to.
It's not working.
Caitlin Guess who's playing cupid.
Oh, no.
You always set me up with guys who you want to date.
Like who? That Filipino bodybuilder who designed dog clothes.
I should call him.
No, no I'm talking about Stuart and Anne the girl from his letter.
I looked her up.
She still lives in New York.
She'll be here any minute.
I don't know about this one, cupid.
I know my hookups haven't worked in the past, but I've got a hunch about this one.
What the hell are you doing here? Surprise! Hello, Stuart.
Your friend Carter called and invited me.
Carter, Caitlin, this is Anne Hi, Anne my ex-wife.
Surprise! Carter, could I speak to you for a minute? What were you thinking?! You were married?! How could you not tell me? Oh, yes, let's make this about you.
Feel free to use my office, guys.
Anne is the last person on earth I want to see.
That woman made me gain over 100 pounds! Why? Nothing I did was ever good enough for her.
The worse I felt, the more I ate.
Don't even have to knock just come on in.
Well, it's been a long time.
Maybe she's changed.
Oh, please.
At least talk to her.
It'll be therapeutic.
Okay, I'll talk to her.
There you go.
Mi office, su office.
Okay, we're ready.
Remember, sir you can see the focus group, but the group cannot see you.
This whole thing is a complete waste of time.
Charlie, I can hear you.
I know.
What's Paul doing in there? Well, sometimes focus groups can develop a mob mentality.
Paul's in there to keep them on an even keel.
He looks like the captain without tennille.
Here's a picture of the mayor.
Tell me the first thing that comes to mind.
He looks distinguished.
Like he's in charge he knows what he's talking about.
So far, so good.
But you know what? It looks like he's gained some weight.
You know, now that you mentioned it, he looks kind of fat.
Like a fat cat.
I bet he's never done a hard day's work in his life.
What is your impression of the mayor here? Hey, that's Charlie Crawford! Didn't he date Claudia schiffer? No, he was with that female volleyball player.
Oh.
Beach volleyball player.
How about that good-looking guy on the mayor's left? I didn't even notice him.
He's the press secretary.
Doesn't ring a bell.
No, but the big, fat mayor rings a bell.
Would my approval ratings go down if I strangled Paul? They might go up.
I was surprised when Carter called me, but I have to say, I was very moved by the letter your wrote Despite the grammatical errors and sentimental clichés.
Thank you.
And you look different.
What is it? I lost 100 pounds.
NoI think it's the receding hairline.
You know, Anne, Stuart is the assistant deputy mayor, a very important position.
So you've actually achieved something? My mother will be shocked.
Oh, is she still alive? Excuse me? Nothing.
I'm going to the ladies' room.
That woman is evil.
Let's just leave.
No.
This is my chance to finally show her that I'm not the same guy she walked all over That's very brave.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
I can't believe they didn't recognize me.
I'm the press secretary.
I stand out.
I command attention, don't you think? Why did you let me order the kung pao chicken? I said, "go chow mein," but you never listen.
Hey, Angie Do you think I'm an interesting guy? I should get a manicure.
So? So? How'd it feel to tell her off? It was okay.
Now you're ready to get on with your life.
Stuart, the stores close in an hour.
You can talk to your dumb friend later.
Coming, honey.
The results from the focus group are in.
I've prepared a comprehensive That sounds excessive.
Don't worry.
I've created a character called merv the monkey to guide you through it.
We think we've zoned in on the problem.
You don't seem to be doing well with women.
Hey, I'm just going through a dry spell.
We've come to two distinct conclusions.
In this picture, women found you reliable and sensitive.
But in this picture Women found you unreliable and insensitive.
Well, this is easy.
Let's just not show them that picture.
So, in essence, the mayor's wholesome image is being compromised by the fact that women find Charlie dangerous yet sexually enticing, and these findings just scratch the surface.
Well, clearly we need to do more research.
I'll need these women's names.
I'll need their numbers.
Let me get this straight Charlie's getting all the action, and I'm taking all the heat? Basically.
Any way we can reverse that? I've got a meeting.
You all just keep me posted.
I don't find you that sexy.
I prefer it that way, sir.
Charlie, we need to change the way women perceive you.
You need to appear more caring and sensitive.
First thing We'll work on his smile.
AndWe need to change that wardrobe.
Let's cinch up his tie.
Hey, look, I'm not a doll here for your amusement.
Oh, I bet he'd look cute with bangs! Oh.
Whoa, whoa! Back off! You're not going to wuss up my appearance.
I got more important things to worry about than my looks.
The most important thing is that we get you some media exposure, like a talk show one popular with women so we can show you can connect with them on an interpersonal level.
Who is this broad? I'm the broad who was hired to save your ass.
Well, according to your numbers, my ass is just fine.
Numbers don't lie! You have been hostile to Julia from the start.
Because this idea of yours is idiotic.
I am not gonna get petty, but one thing is clear from her research people like me better than you.
I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody I'm not.
Your image is hurting the mayor, so drop the vanity act.
I figured out why the focus group didn't recognize me.
I'm too stable, too successful.
People are intrigued by celebrities who are flawed.
I need to come up with a flaw.
Gee, let's brainstorm on that for about eight seconds.
I wonder how long it would take to develop a drinking problem.
Remember, I want you ready to go by 7:00.
I will be.
Is that your duck phone? I thought I made you get rid of that years ago.
Oh, I just found it in an old box and thought I'd donate it to charity.
I'm not using it.
I-I can't talk now.
I will see you later.
Oh and wear a tie.
But not one like that.
Stuart Stuart! Stuart!! You're letting Anne take over your life.
That's just an excuse.
Carter You listen to me.
Anne is just giving me direction! I mean, I should have my own office.
And I should be making more money.
And I should be breaking off all contact with my parents.
My next guest is spearheading several new programs that will make life easier for women in this city.
And besides that, he's a real cutie patootie.
Please welcome the deputy mayor of New York, Charlie Crawford! How are you? Good.
Nice to see you.
Thanks for being here.
Thank you.
How are you, Charlie? I'm so honored to be on the show.
You do so much for women's issues, and I feel so strongly about that.
What exactly do you mean by "women's issues"? When a man watches football and something bad happens, he'll yell something at the tv like, "come on!" But women are different.
They can have babies.
So I guess that's what I'm trying to say.
A little bird told me that you were dating Claudia schiffer.
Any truth in that? 'Cause she is gorgeous.
All I know is that she's beautiful on the inside.
On the inside? Hey, if I looked like her, I'd be butt naked every day in the frozen-food section of a&p.
You know what I mean? Listen, up next is a single mother from new Jersey who raised five children on a paralegal's salary and then took down big tobacco.
Oh What? Her storyis so moving.
Somebody get him a hankie.
We're gonna take a break, and we'll be right back after thisMessage.
I don't wanna talk about Anne.
I won't say a thing.
I'll just let these do the talking.
Oh, my God.
The big jeans.
The day I bought these was the second-most embarrassing day of my life.
What was the first? The day I had them let out.
Stu, I don't get it.
Why would you want to be with a woman who does this to you? Look Anne was beautiful.
She was popular.
And when I married her, for the first time in my life, I felt like a winner.
But you know Anne's bad for you.
You gotta be strong, Stuart.
You gotta cut her loose Just like I did with Doug.
Didn't he leave you for a male nurse named Hector? Hey, we're talking about you, not me, fatty! Stuart, do you wanna be a winner, or do you wanna end up riding a minibike in the "guinness book of world records"? I don't wanna be that guy.
Stuart You're a great guy.
You deserve better than her.
Stuart! You're not ready! We're supposed to meet my mother for lunch! I'm not going.
Anne, ever since you got here, you've done nothing but make me feel small, andI'm sick of it.
Honey, I know I seem critical, but it's only because I care about you.
It's like you said in your letter we're meant for each other.
HeyStop it! What? I like my hair! I like my job! And you know what? I like weighing myself on a scale that's not used for livestock.
Anne, I'm over you, and I think we should both Move on.
If I leave now, you'll never see me again.
Goodbye.
You, uhWanna go grab a beer? No.
I'm drained.
I think I'm just gonna lie down.
Oh, Charlie I think you still have some makeup left over from the "Rosie" show.
Why don't you go into the ladies' room and freshen up? Nice one, sir.
In all seriousness, Charlie, you going on television and acting that way it meant a lot to me.
In many ways, I see you As the daughter I never had.
Very clever, sir.
I always enjoy a good ribbing.
Hey, Charlie Does that sweater come with a matching skirt? Paul Mean isn't funny.
I hope you're happy now.
That was a complete disaster.
I thought it was very informative.
I didn't know women could have babies.
Giving me that makeover was a bad idea, and you knew it.
Okay, maybe I did.
Why did you make me do it? Because you were such a jerk about this focus-group stuff.
If I was a little arrogant, I'm sorry.
But that is part of the reason why the average New York woman has had 2.
3 fantasies about me.
I am burning these results.
Well, we got some new polling data.
The good news is you're up 1% with women.
The bad news is you're down 20% with men.
But I've got a fix.
How do you feel about riding a bull? It sounds a little out there, but hey, you've earned my trust.
Charlie, your image still needs a lot of work.
What is your problem with me? I don't have a problem with you.
I'm simply reacting to data from the focus group.
Stop hiding behind these numbers.
Admit it you don't like me.
Fine.
I don't like you.
You don't even know me.
Oh, I know you.
You're the guy who dumped me in high school, slept with my roommate in college, and stood me up last new year's Eve.
Carol? I've dated guys like you all my life.
You're sexy and charming, but the minute things get serious, you're out the door.
Well, I am through with that.
Congratulations.
Ooh! Soft lipsMinty breath Perfect pressure You weren't too bad either.
Before we start the regular briefing, I have an intriguing personal revelation to make.
It might make an interesting story, maybe a movie of the week.
I, Paul lassiter Am a sex addict.
I will now take any questions.
Yeah? Um, when will the new subway cars be ready? Aw, who cares? Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.