The Goldbergs s05e15 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, I grew up at the movie theater.
There was nothing I loved more than escaping into the wonder of the big screen.
The lights, the sound, the snacks it was magic.
What I loved more than anything was seeing a new movie from my all-time favorite director, Steven Spielberg.
In fact, I didn't just want to see his movies I wanted to live them.
Stop playing with your food, moron.
I'm not playing! It's from "Close Encounters.
" There's your close encounter.
Now, eat! My favorite movie geek hobby was re-creating all his classics.
- Yo.
- Gahh! In this case, "E.
T.
" Then one day, I came across something so legendary, it would take my Spielberg obsession to the next level.
Psst.
Nerd.
Girl nerd.
I got your hookup.
Really? Let me see it.
What the hell's happening? Shh! Be cool.
Johnny's my bootleg VHS dealer.
You name it, I'll get it.
Back before everything was on YouTube, cult videos were passed around like contraband, and Johnny Atkins had all the goods.
And the pièce de résistance What I saw next would change my life forever.
That year, two kids from Jersey made a shot-for-shot re-creation of "Raiders of the Lost Ark.
" Turns out, there were other Spielberg fanatics out there, and their homemade masterpiece made me feel like anything was possible! I thought this was the stuff of geek legend, but it's real.
Whoa, the guys are super hot.
Your lady really has a type.
I feel sad for her.
Know what? If these kids can remake "Raiders" in the basement, maybe it's time I take the leap.
If my dream is to become a Spielberg, I've got to write and direct my own original "Indiana Jones" story.
If you need a butt double for your movie, you know where to find me.
And so, I set off to write my first actual movie script.
And to my surprise, it was fun as hell! Whatcha doing, boofaloo? Writing a script.
Yay! [LAUGHS.]
So, what's the name of your big, fancy new movie? Let's see "Indiana Jones and the Thunder Glove of the Prime Mutant"! That's it! "Indiana Jones and the Thunder Glove of the Prime Mutant.
" It writes itself! [BOTH LAUGH.]
You looked around the room, and you came up with a title! It was March 7th, 1980-something, and my dad and Pops were having the most important Philadelphia debate who makes the best cheesesteak? - It's Geno's! - Come on, it's Pat's! - It's Geno's! - It's Pat's! You're making a fool of yourself.
Hey! What's all the yelling about? This old putz thinks Geno's makes a better cheesesteak than Pat's.
Guys, relax.
Pat's and Geno's sell the same exact thing right across the street from each other.
They're both fine, but not the best.
If you say Jim's Steaks, you no longer have a home.
Jim's is down the block, Barry! It's not even on cheesesteak row! I'm not saying it's Jim's, Pat's, or Geno's.
The best Philly cheesesteak isn't even in Philadelphia.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- In Philly, that was blasphemy.
What are you saying? What's he saying, Murray? - I don't know.
- It was early December.
I was on my way to watch the Flyers play the Devils - in New Jersey.
- [CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
- Stop! - [MUSIC ENDS.]
There's no cheesesteak story that ends in Jersey.
- But there is.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I took the wrong off-ramp and got lost.
As night fell, I grew desperate and hungry.
And then, like a cheesy beacon of hope, I saw a lone sandwich shop glowing in the darkness.
Stop.
Just tell us the name of the sandwich shop already.
That's the thing.
I was so overwhelmed by the flavor that I didn't get a chance to look up from my poppy-seed kaiser roll to get a name.
- [MUSIC ENDS.]
- Poppy-seed kaiser roll on a cheesesteak? [CHUCKLING.]
It can't be done! - [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh, they did it.
It was the poppiest of rolls, combined with the whizziest of cheeses.
It was like eating the sweet butt meat of an angel in Hey! I'm still talkin'! I didn't finish my awesome true story! Well, we know how it ends.
With you being a giant moron, you moron.
No! I hate it when you call me a moron.
I only call you a moron 'cause you act like a moron.
So it's on you.
Then, it's my life mission to find this Jersey oasis and take you there.
And when you eat the greatest steak sandwich of your life, I will prove you wrong, and you shall never call me a moron again.
And what happens when I hate this imaginary sandwich? Then I'll accept once and for all that I'm truly a moron.
- No, you won't.
- Oh, I will.
In fact, if I'm wrong, I will legally change my name to "Moron.
" [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, I'll take that deal.
My crusade for the Hoagie Grail begins now.
While my brother was preparing for his cheesesteak quest, I was prepping my shot list to bring my script to life.
Look what I found and immediately read.
Oh! My Indy script? How'd you get this? I hid it under my mattress and sleeping body.
Well, you may not know this, 'cause you're a very deep sleeper, but every night at 1:00 a.
m.
sharp, I lead you to the bathroom to make a pishy.
I did not know that.
Well, point is, I found it when I moved your unconscious body, and this, for sure, will be our calling card.
I-I'm sorry.
"Our"? To be clear, I'm making this movie on my own.
Of course.
I'll just be there to watch and, also, help you.
You only want to help me for selfish reasons.
Me? Selfish? [SCOFFING.]
Me? Selfish? Selfish.
You only want to help me so, if I become a real director, you can say it's all 'cause of you.
Well, that's the truth, so why wouldn't I say it? Mom, someday, if I'm ever in charge of a sound stage, there is no way you're setting foot anywhere near it.
You cannot deny my love and support, Adam.
Mark my words.
One day, I will make everyone who works for you very uncomfortable with my intrusive energy.
And mark my words I'm doing this on my own.
In fact, I'm already in the process of locking down my cast and crew.
Okay, I exaggerated, but this awesome flyer was sure to lock 'em down! And that's how movies are made.
But while I was looking for a crew, Barry was in search of answers.
And that's how you prove you're no moron.
He said, making the most moronic flyer of all time.
What's with the flyer, Goldberg? I made this life-changing bet with my dad, and I can't lose.
Blood feud with the old man, huh? I didn't talk to Coach Senior for six years until we finally arm-wrestled it out.
He won.
But I let him.
No, my thing's not weird.
I just have to legally change my name to Moron if I don't find the best cheesesteak in Philly.
But there's a catch.
It's not in Philly.
- [EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- You know? Oh, Coach knows.
If you need answers, follow me.
And with those mysterious words, Barry was one step closer to the Hoagie Grail.
Wait.
The answer's in the gym? Not in the gym, Goldberg under it.
[CREAKS.]
So, it wasn't exactly the catacombs from "Last Crusade," but this dusty old storage room held the answers Barry needed most.
Cool! Here.
I believe that's exactly what you're looking for.
This is the place! Such a regal name for a glorious sandwich.
Donkey's Place, a confusing name for a [CHUCKLING.]
cheesesteakery, but, still The donkey is the most noble of all work beasts.
Now, go.
Show your father who the real moron is.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
In my hand, I hold a map on the back of the menu that leads to the world's greatest meat sandwich.
We're going tonight.
Don't argue! Put on your pants and move! Let's go.
Whoa.
You got up so fast.
I didn't know that was possible.
It's a win-win for me.
You see, either you're right and I get the greatest cheesesteak of all time, or you're wrong and I get the greatest gift of all you're a permanent moron.
Prepare to literally eat those words.
To Donkey's in Camden! ["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS.]
Like Indiana Jones himself, my brother suited up for the ultimate crusade.
Just one problem Barry was behind the wheel.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
This is a living nightmare.
Should I take this exit? No, don't take this exit.
Blinkers on.
I'm taking it.
I'm not lost.
I'm positive I'm not going the right way.
I have a good feeling about this unpaved road.
- Oh, I gotta pee.
- Hold it.
- I got to go.
- Hold it.
I got to go, Dad.
Hey, pelicans! We're near the ocean.
Just drive me in.
Uh-oh.
I left my wallet at home.
Of course you did, moron! Yo, bro.
We heard about your movie.
JTP wants in.
Seriously? You want to be in it? I was thinking more cameraman.
Naked Rob's tired of always being objectified for his body.
Technically, you're the one who gets naked, but, yes.
Can I be the prop guy? You know, everyone's always focused on the characters in the movie, but I'm always, like, "Where'd they get that salt shaker?" And I can be your gaffer.
That way, I can find out what a gaffer is.
I guess I could do whatever job a handsome, charismatic guy with a camera-friendly smile would do.
You tell me.
Actually, I'm looking for my Indiana Jones.
Me?! I never would've thought of that.
[SQUEAKING FOOTSTEPS.]
Can I help build sets for your movie? I have over eight years' of stage crew experience.
Please, please, please.
Yo, nerd.
I hear you need a snake for your badass movie.
I own six, so count me in as animal wrangler.
I'll do costumes 'cause doing clothes just for me has gotten old.
Oh, wow.
This is coming together incredibly fast.
All because of one little flyer.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What flyer? - No, we read your script.
How'd you get my script? Just read the first page! I promise you'll fall in love! Mom! No! Leave the nice students alone! I thought I was clear no Mom on this movie.
No, you said I couldn't be on set, which is why I'm here, acting as your agent.
But don't worry.
I'll take my 10% in belly kisses.
Ahah-ah-ah! No! I don't need an agent.
Food.
What about food? Let Mama do the catering.
You know I can make a lasagna so dense it can feed 62 people.
Fine! You can be my craft-service lady, but only 'cause a fed crew is a happy crew.
But you're not to say anything to anyone.
Oh, yay! We're making a movie! [LAUGHS.]
I mean, you're making a movie.
I'm not making anything.
Except banana bread and 100 phone calls to my friends.
[LAUGHS.]
Like always, my smother couldn't stay away.
But there was one family member I happily welcomed on board.
I want in on your movie.
Wha Seriously? Geoff said it's a good script, and that it's not just your mouth-breathing loser friends helping.
It's also real people.
I-I can't believe it! Composing for a minor motion picture is [CHUCKLING.]
gonna be huge for my music career.
So, what do you say? Yes! I always knew one day we'd collaborate on something amazing.
Okay, I don't take notes, and I'll call you when I'm done.
- [RECEIVER CLICKS.]
- And she's gone.
[RECEIVER CLICKS.]
Concerning.
- Don't be nervous, love bug.
- Not nervous.
This is everything you've ever hoped and dreamed about.
Now I'm nervous.
It was the first day of my big movie.
The sets were built.
The cameras were loaded.
And I couldn't wait to call, "action!" Holy balls! Dan, this is unreal! How'd you pull it off so fast? I melded together the old sets from "The King and I," "Oklahoma," and "Damn Yankees.
" Also, I have a lot of spare time on my hands 'cause I struggle socially.
And you can see it in your work, pal.
Now, where's my actors? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[WHIP CRACKS.]
Oh, wow! You guys really look just like the real characters.
Are those the security tags from Benetton? No.
Uh, excuse me.
Trail mix? Apple slices? Little cup of tuna? No thanks, craft service.
Now, please stay in your designated area.
As you wish, Director Goldberg.
Did you hear that, everybody? This squishy tushy monster is in charge of the whole enchilada.
Ignore the kooky food lady, people! Now, let's make a picture! - All right.
- Yeah! - Whoo! - Right on.
As my adventure began, my brother's crusade had come to an end.
[GASPS.]
There it is! It was a long, grueling journey, but as Barry gazed upon Donkey's, shining like a delicious beacon of hope, he knew it would all be worth it.
Nothing could stop him now.
Hey! Open up! Unless they got there too late.
Please, crusty old man! Just one.
One sandwich.
One.
[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
But choose wisely.
It wasn't an immortal Templar, but the pressure was still on.
Mmm, oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's the good stuff I remember.
I got to admit not bad.
Unh, it's got a little heat to it.
Whoa! Coming on kinda strong.
It's fighting back pretty hard.
Oh, that's a spicy punch to the mouth.
- Ohhh! - The biting is relentless! - Aaah! - What the hell did you put on this thing?! - Something called "Donkey Kick Sauce.
" - Ohh! It was in the condiment section, but sounded special, so I smeared it all over.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- [EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- He chose poorly.
[MUSIC ENDS.]
What the [bleep.]
is wrong with that guy? - No idea! - Give me the keys! We're going home.
Oh, no! It's not like we lost the keys.
We know exactly where they are.
While Barry and my dad dealt with a spicy mess, I was feeling cool in the director's seat.
Or so I thought.
Hey.
I made the boulder that's gonna roll down these temple steps right for Indy.
Um, I think that should be, like, 10 times as big.
That makes sense.
Man, you're super good at directing.
Turns out, directing is, like, really hard.
Okay, I'm back, and I nailed it.
Oh! So, you want, like, a big one.
Like Like, not a rock, but a boulder.
Okay, this one's smaller, so that's on me.
And props were the least of my problems.
Okay, time for the snake.
Where's my wrangler? Bad news, bro.
No snake.
No snake? - No snake.
- No snake.
- Snake got away.
- Snake got away? - Snake's gone.
- Snake's gone? - No snake.
- No snake.
Don't worry he's super fast and hungry.
He'll make himself known.
I'll just fix it in post.
[GRUNTS LIGHTLY.]
Then came the problems with the actors.
Whoo! Let's fight a boulder and karate chop a tank! Matt, stop chugging Jolt colas.
Can't! I could do this all day, bro! Yo, Adam, I think your Indy clearly has a major sugar problem.
Then, of course, there were the technical difficulties.
No, no, no! Dude! You can't expose any of the film to actual daylight! So, what's the least upsetting way of saying we got to reshoot lots and lots of stuff? It's fine.
I'll just cut down on my shot list and fix the rest in post.
Thankfully, my composer would rescue me.
Buckle up, moviemakers.
Guess who just composed the greatest movie score of all time.
Erica! It's my sister, Erica! Oh, thank God you came home from college to help me! - But it wasn't a movie score - [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
just a lame pop song to further her own career.
Come on, DJ, play that song Let's party all night long I'm Indiana Jonesin' for your body I'm Indiana Jonesin' for your lips You're tearing my heart right out of my chest And now I'm Indiana Jonesin' for that whip [WHIP WHOOSHES, CRACKS.]
Come on! Do the Indy.
And Indiana Jones whip.
- [WHIP WHOOSHES, CRACKS.]
- Yes! [SIGHS.]
It's fine.
I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep shooting.
All right, let's go! Everybody out! It's 7:00.
Volleyball team's got to practice.
Coach, I can't just lose my location.
How's about I shoot around you guys, and then I'll fix it in post? Shoot around them? They just put up a net in front of the set.
Everyone, stop asking questions.
Too many things have changed.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My shot list is useless! Uh, help? Hey, you found my snake.
Guys.
He's looking for food.
Just go limp, bro.
It's fine! I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep shooting.
Adam, uh, maybe you should take five.
Sure! I've got nothing but time! It's not like this whole thing depends on what I decide every Ha! He's melting down! single second! - [CLATTERS.]
- Aah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Balllllllllsssssss! BEVERLY: Boopie! Shake it off, Goldberg! - Ohh.
- Oh! Oh! I'll fix it in post.
While I was in production hell, Barry and my dad were stuck at the worst place on earth a Jersey bus station.
Looks good.
That from Donkey's? Oh, yeah, worth the trip for the best cheesesteak on the planet.
Hear that? "Best on the planet.
" That's proof that I'm right.
Truth is, Barry, I'm never calling you a moron ever again.
Really? Yeah, I'm beginning to think, after today, that you're an actual moron.
And if you are an actual, factual moron, then to keep calling you one is just plain mean.
No, I don't want to not be called a moron for that reason.
I want to not be called a moron 'cause I'm not a moron.
How 'bout "Barry"? You like "Barry"? Is "Barry" good for you? That's even worse! - ["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS.]
- And then it happened.
Barry saw his opportunity to prove to our dad, once and for all, that he wasn't a moron.
That's it.
We're eating a Donkey steak if it's the last thing I do! Sit down and do not mess with that man's sandwich.
We'll just switch it with our flaming hot one! He's a giant.
He'll never notice the spicy.
That's not how spicy works.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Hey! Oh, crap! Sir, please don't chase my son! He's a moron! It's not his fault! [GRUNTS.]
- [BONES CRACK.]
- Ow! My cheesesteak-eating arm! [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Please don't.
I have to win a bet! After my disastrous day of filming, I was truly left a broken man.
Fix it in post.
I'mma fix it in post.
- Let Let me take a look.
- [FILM PROJECTOR CLICKING.]
And so, I screened the only usable footage I had.
That's why I got into showbiz.
Do you think any of them noticed me gaffing? That's a wrap, weirdos! - Out of my gym! - Go! Go! Go! Come on, scram! - [THUDS.]
- Aah! It wasn't great.
Question just h-how much can you fix in post? Honestly, I don't care 'cause I, like, suck at directing stuff.
Don't say that.
You are my little Stevie Spielboopie.
I'm not.
I'm gonna be painfully honest here.
I always said I wanted to direct, but I didn't really know what it meant.
And now I do, and I hated every second.
But this is all you've ever talked about.
If not this, what else are you gonna be? I guess nothing.
And so, I abandoned my first directing gig feeling hopeless and broken.
But not nearly as broken as Barry's cheesesteak-eating arm.
How's the arm? Broken.
Like the rest of me.
So, you lost some car keys.
Who cares? The fact is, I am a total moron, and I deserve to be called one.
Do you know why I point out your stupidity 20 times a day? 'Cause all I do is make stupid choices? For sure.
["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS.]
But you're also a really smart kid.
And it's a father's job to help make sure his kids grow up to make smart choices.
So, when you call me a moron, it's just 'cause you really want the best for me? Something like that.
And under everything, it just means, "I love you.
" Don't push it, moron.
But, uh, yes.
For sure.
That day, the real treasure my dad and brother found wasn't a sandwich at all.
Admit it it's the best, right? You know what? Leaving those keys behind may be the smartest thing you've ever done.
You chose wisely.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
What is his deal? - [MUSIC CONTINUES.]
- Where you going, schmoops? Returning this camera, 'cause I'll never need it again.
No, I can't let you do that.
Mom, please don't make this about you.
I'm not.
Adam, what you do with your life is not my story.
I know that now.
But I can't let you quit your dream of being Spielberg.
- You really should.
- Come on.
There must have been some little part of this that was fun.
I guess when I was by myself writing.
- Well, that's a start.
- Just writing? Adam, you may not be a big star like Spielberg, but I know you'll find your way to shine just as bright.
Turns out, when you let your loved ones see you for who you really are, that's where the adventure truly begins.
Here we go, Dan.
You're an evil billionaire who hustles pool for religious artifacts.
Do it with feeling and purpose.
Turns out, my real quest was finding my calling.
It feels good to just be the writer.
One might say I made that happen.
No! You did not make anything happen! I mean it.
And there was one person who saw it in me the whole time.
But thanks, Mama.
Of course, schmoopy.
And action! Eight ball, corner pocket.
- [BALL CLACKS.]
- Ugh! You're calling the eight ball? Why, that's ludicrous, Indiana Jones! Eight ball, corner pocket.
Ugh! - Yes! - [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GUNSHOT NOISES.]
[THUDS.]
I watched all three Indy movies.
And now I really know what kind of song you're looking for.
Erica, I'm not directing Just give me another chance! [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
I'm Indiana Jonesin' for that music I'm Indiana Jonesin' for those skeleton bones I'll throw you the idol, you throw me your whip [WHIP CRACKS.]
I'm Indiana Jonesin' for Indiana Jones Yo, girl, it's Indy, make some room Wanna take you back to my Temple of Boom Girl's so hot that I say, "Damn, you belong in a museum" All around the map, from Paris to Prague No, they named me after the dog Drop you like you're a German soldier Run over you like a big-ass boulder Indiana Jones, you can raid my ark And, also, I'm afraid of snakes No.