Weird Science s05e15 Episode Script

Where'd that come from? - What in God's name are you doing? - Nothing.
You're spying on the whole neighborhood, aren't you? It's security.
My own personal high-tech neighborhood watch.
Since when do thieves break into people's bathrooms? Wait a minute.
That's my bathroom.
Don't be such a pride.
Hey, by the way, nice action with the loofah.
Hey.
Check out Gary.
Eww! Lis, Lis, this is wrong.
You shouldn't eavesdrop.
It's an invasion of privacy-- not to mention you might hear something that you shouldn't and Is that my mother? So I looked him straight in the eye, and I said "Marharishi, - I will if you will.
" - [ all laughing .]
Oh, my, my empty.
Oh, fellas, please.
You can carry the glass you can pour and you? You can count the bubbles.
So, Marcia, what do you hear about our new neighbor Ms.
White? You mean Neve? Well, I hate to gossip but I hear she's never been married she lives alone with her cat and she's a high school guidance counselor.
Add that up and I'm not sure what you get but I think it rhymes with "old braid'? - [ doorbell chimes .]
- Oh, speak of the devil.
I'll get that, dear.
Seriously, we should all be kind and just welcome her with open arms.
Just treat her the way you would treat - WAYNE: My new neighbor Neve.
- Champagne? me.
WYATT: Ooh, I know that look.
Dad's in big trouble.
This is great! Everyone at the party tonight was certainly taken with Neve.
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I should wear my air like hers? Um sure.
Oh, so you think she's prettier than me? I never said that.
Well, you said her hair was better than mine.
Okay.
I see where this is going.
Look, why don't I just save us both a lot of time - and head on out to the couch now? - Oh, wait, honey.
You don't have to leave.
You know, I'm still a little tipsy from the champagne.
I've got to catch a plane in six hours.
I need the sleep.
But Man, how can Mom feel old and unattractive? - She's still pretty? - Hey, you're asking the wrong genie.
I don't find the human form very appealing to begin with.
What? You evolved one step too far for my taste.
Monkeys-- they got it going on.
Huh? Where do you think they got the expression "hot monkey love"? Lisa, I want you to make my mom feel young and pretty again.
Sure.
I am going to zap your mom's mirror-- boom.
So when she looks into it she see herself as young and pretty and feels good right here.
- Got it? - Got it.
Hmm.
Maybe I'll skip that mudpack tonight.
Lis, we done good.
She's happier already.
- Thanks.
- No sweat.
Now, could you stop snooping? I would like to go to bed.
Okay.
Am I the sexiest lady in town or what? MIRROR: Not yet my Queen.
But by the time I finish with you they will all bow down to your beau-tay? [ laughter .]
Oh Do go on.
Mm-mm-mm.
Baby, you look good today.
Before I'm through, you are gonna be the foxiest female on the dance floor.
Gonna be? Gonna be? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I see your problem.
[ blowing .]
Better now? Well, smell her.
Wake-up call, Queenie.
You ain't the finest piece of China yet.
- Well, then who the hell is? - There's a whole flock of she-gulls out there who struck it rich in the DNA Lotto.
And most of them can't imagine life before MTV.
All these girls are younger and prettier? I can't complete with all that.
Chill, baby.
I said I'd take care of it, didn't I? And the mirror always keeps his promise, right? You just need a few accessories.
Now, you see that, uh, ruby red down there? You want someone out of the beauty pageant, right? Now, you take that pucker paint and give her the "no smoking" sign.
[ laughing heartily .]
Goodbye, Miss Congeniality.
[ laughing .]
And I know just where to start.
I'm telling you-- this Ms.
White is Ms White not.
That's what I've been saying since we were freshman.
You want me to visit the guidance counselor give me some incentive.
I think my academic career needs a long, slow counseling session.
MARCIA: Pity.
She was so young and beautiful.
- Ms.
White? - Ms.
White? Where'd she go? [ evil laughter .]
Man, this is the worst day of school I ever had.
No kidding? First we miss coping a peek at Ms White.
Then second period, Jeannie Burns is gone.
That was okay.
I slept.
But last period there were no girls at all.
I actually had to pay attention.
Come to think of it Gina Brown was out last period, too.
[ chattering .]
Well, at least you can count on the cheerleaders for that midmorning lift.
Whoo! The blood just left my head.
Lisa? Lisa.
Lisa, something weird is going on at! [ snickering .]
It's Candyland.
Oh, oh, ooh for years I've only been undressing them with my eyes.
Don't even think about it.
Now, look, we've got to find Lisa and fix this before Mom comes home.
Oh, but I am home.
- [ evil laughter .]
- [ thunderclap .]
- Mom? - Eww.
You will address me as "Highness" or "Queen.
" "Your Loveliness" would be nice, but not "Mom.
" Well, what do you think? - Shouldn't you - Be at work? My work surrounds you.
Don't you like it? [ stammering .]
It's nice, but it's be better if they were naked.
- [ buzzing .]
- Whoops.
Soon there will be none left fairer than I.
Uh Mom? I'm sorry.
Highness--- you, uh, you can't go around turning people into statues.
So you don't approve? You think I've made a mistake? Well, perhaps I'll make another mistake-- perhaps two more mistakes.
Would this be a good time to flee in terror? I'm right behind you.
I have done as you instructed.
Am I now the tastiest tart on the desert try? Honey, you kill! [ giggling .]
but the mirror cannot tell a lie.
There's still one more Stone Fox in the Chicken Coop.
Well then let's be rid of her.
Ain't going ot be that easy, babe.
This one's got magic of her own.
Who is this evil sorceress that I have yet to vanquish? Behold! [ gasps .]
But don't you worry.
Miss magical things has an achilles' heal and I know how to get her pumps off.
[ evil laughter .]
WOMAN 1: So you want to meet him at the salad bar? WOMAN 2: Yeah.
I'd love to.
MAN 1: He told you about the treasure and then he died? MAN 2: Kicked the bucket.
Well, where'd he bury it? Underneath a big "W," Santa Rosita, California and the big "W" is a - [ static .]
- Oh that makes me so mad.
Mad, mad, mad.
MARCIA: Young lady Young lady, are you interested in sampling some free ice cream? Free ice cream? As in ice cream I don't even have to pay for? Would I.
Wait a second.
Why would anyone just give away ice cream? Oh, not just any ice cream.
Super chunky chango-- double fat, double cream, double delicious.
I don't know.
I shouldn't really take something in an open container from a complete stranger.
But it comes with this cute little wooden spoon.
Ooh, gimme.
Mmm.
[ evil laughter .]
[ thunderclap .]
Stop pushing me.
I'm not going back in there while Satan's daughter - Sorry.
- your mom is still on the loose.
We have to.
We need Lisa, and we can't find her.
We have to get to my computer and call her up the old-fashioned way.
Hope I remember the password.
- Wasn't it, "Lisa"? - Oh, yeah.
Ooh "Double cream, double fat.
" Lisa wouldn't leave a pint of this lying around.
Something is horribly, horribly wrong.
This is great.
My life is a twisted fairy tale.
My mom's a wicked witch, and my genie's in a deep freeze.
If this were Disney movie now I'd sing a moving ballad ot a cup.
It is a fairy tale-- Like "Snow White.
" That means we can wake Lisa up with a kiss.
Hot dog.
Here, bud.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hold on.
Only a kiss from a prince can awaken Snow White.
I'm the son of the Queen-- Evil Queen.
I'm still a prince.
Step aside.
Maybe you were adopted.
Maybe I'm not the right prince.
Maybe we - Oh, hell.
- What? We need the Queen's first-born.
Chett? You want Chett to kiss her? It's worth a shot.
Come on, come on.
It was a mistake to return.
[ evil laughter .]
Your mom's kind of hot when she does that.
Prepare to be transformed into my manservants.
Dwarfs.
She's going ot turn us into dwarfs.
[ chuckling .]
: Oh, goodness no.
Dwarfs? I've never heard anything quite so ludicrous.
I'm turning you into winged monkeys.
Whoo! Something is funky in cheektown.
I think she got me.
I think she got us both.
- Do I have a tail? - Yup.
You're not going to be too thrilled about your shiny red butt either.
Huh? Ohh! Psst! Chett, come here! Chett! [ snorts .]
Holy monkeys.
- We're in big trouble.
- We need your help.
Oh, back up, chim-chim.
I'm attached ot my smooth, creamy, human backside.
You two can solve your own little problems.
The tails move? Hey, outstanding.
What do I do to get one? Just follow me.
Hey, a quarter.
Hey, can you open a beer can with one of those? WYATT: Go on, Chett, kiss her.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Stand back and watch these princely lips work their magic.
What's the problem? You're not being charming.
Princes are supposed to be charming.
Gotcha.
Charm.
I can do charm.
Lisa, without you the moon has lost its luster the flowers refuse to bloom.
Lisa, bless us once again with the radiance of your smile.
- Crap.
- Will she ever wake up? - I don't know.
- Wake up, will you? There's stuff I never got to tell you.
Important stuff.
Deep stuff.
You know? Stuff.
What kind of stuff? You were faking?! You were awake already?! Yup.
First kiss did it.
- Heard everything.
- I didn't mean a word of it.
- So there.
- Did, too.
- Did not.
- Hello? Evil Queen in the master bedroom.
- You guys look great.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean it.
Both of you.
Absolutely great.
They look like monkeys.
- Don't I know it.
- Woof! Lis! We got to stop my mom! Anything you say.
So you have broke my spell, turned my sons against me and are intent on my destruction.
Now we will see whose magic is the stronger.
Okay, zap-hag.
You want to fight? Let's go.
# Get busy, get busy! # Our magic is as great as mine.
It takes more than firepower to win a hoodoo showdown.
It requires experience cleverness and lightning-fast refleves.
Oh? I'll try to keep that in mind.
Crisp.
Hey.
Magic mirror-- eat hot paperweight.
- Didn't hurt! - What happened? The magic's grown too strong.
Marcia's the only one who can break the mirror now.
And a fat chance at that.
So now young magic genie you will die! You think getting rid of Lisa will make you the fairest in all the land but you're wrong! Beauty isn't how you look.
It's what you are and you've got what counts-- Experience, wisdom Yeah, Mr.
D.
You got everything-- A career, a loving husband two kids that look up to you.
Marcia, please.
I know you're not evil.
You can't be.
You're my mom.
She's a Queen, you little fool why would she settle to be your silly ass mother.
- When she could be so much more.
- Silly ass? How dare you.
What I do is not silly ass.
I have dedicated my life to the welfare of my children.
If you're not beautiful, you're nothing.
You need me to make you beautiful.
No! I don't need squat from you.
[ screaming .]
Oh! Wyatt? Chett? What happened? I must have blacked out or something.
How do you feel, Mom? Young.
I feel young.
I feel as though all my insecurities have just melted away.
Who's she? For me? Please? We're not letting you zap us back into monkeys.
Just the bottom half.
I'll make it worth your while.
- No.
- No.
Hey, Lis.
Want to see a movie? - You got to be kidding.
- That's pretty pathetic.
So what's playing? Captioned by Grant Brown