Xena: Warrior Princess s05e15 Episode Script

Come on, Eve.
Come on, it's all right.
Who's your favorite auntie? Gaby! Xena'll be back any minute.
I promise.
She's just grabbing a quick bath.
Come on, hush.
I'll give you a dinar.
I'll give you five dinars! Oh, please.
All right, sweetheart.
Momma's here.
Xena, I can't figure out what's wrong with her.
All babies cry, Gabrielle.
It's just a fact of life, huh? -I'm her mother.
-You're a natural.
I thought I was, but I lost my touch.
Nah, you're great with kids.
Xena, I don't have the patience to even raise my own.
You rise to every occasion, Gabrielle.
I don't think motherhood's gonna be any different.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
Speaking of Come and get it! -Quiet.
-What? It's not sleeping, is it? Here's the grub for the spud.
-What's this? -You asked for baby food.
Babyback ribs are not baby food, Joxer.
Eve doesn't have teeth.
How is she supposed to tear meat from the bone? What, she doesn't have hands? You, me.
Town, now.
Fine.
Hey, you don't mind if I have some of those, do you? You can spare some ribs, get it? Watch that tree.
Ok, I'm comin'.
I know.
He'll grow on ya.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
Well If it isn't the ever-titillating Aphrodite I almost didn't recognize you with your legs so close together.
Discord Are you still looking for someone to shave your back? You've crossed the line for the last time.
That pirate you turned into a lovesick idiot I had big plans for him! All I did was give him a slight attitude adjustment.
-How? By cutting off his? -All right.
It's time someone washed your mouth out with soap.
You're dead, Bimbolina! Love 40! What's goin' on? Give me two guesses.
Aphrodite? Got a problem? Nothin' a bucket of disinfectant can't fix.
Eat me, hosebag! Gabrielle! Are you ok? Where am I? -You took a nasty spill.
-I don't remember anything.
Not Not this place.
Not Not you, not My legs! My legs! What happened to my legs? Just You know.
Fins when you're in the water, legs when you're out.
You don't remember anything, do you? -No.
-Total amnesia That's perfect ly awful.
The kids and I were worried sick.
-What kids? -Our kids! In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS That was so weird Wake up, my little cuttlefish! Time to take your medicine.
Hey, there's no need for that.
Nothin' I haven't seen before.
Here you are.
Drink it up.
-What is this? -Oh, that? That's just som'in' the doc said'll help you get back on your feet a little faster, you know? -You -Drink it down.
Down the hatch.
That's it.
That's a good girl.
No offense, but, who are you? Me? I'm your husband Hagar.
-You are my husband? -Oh, yes.
I don't have a wedding ring.
You You must 'a lost it in the pools.
We'll getcha another one.
Nothing is too good for the mother of my sprats.
Please, tell me these kids are adopted.
No.
We had 'em the old-fashioned way.
We earned 'em.
Dad! Row's doing it again! Keep the bed warm.
I'll be back.
Row! I told you, keep your tentacles to yourself! Maybe amnesia's not a bad thing after all.
Get out of the way, you blowfish.
Nice tail.
Oh, yes.
Now, that's what I call a lungfish.
This place is a sty.
Not for long! 'Cause now that you're feelin' better you can start cleanin' again.
Did we have a happy marriage? Happy as clams.
Aren't there children somewhere around here? -Kids -I want down now.
Kids! Your mother has told you a hundred times not to play games in the living room! Now, let her down.
-Some kids -Yes, aren't they? In case you don't remember, in descending order, that's Flipper.
Look, Mom! No hands! Quite the wiseacher.
Next to him is the curious one, Urchin.
What's a "sphincter"? And who could forget little baby Row? Be back in a moment, my little sea mollusk.
Momma? Yeah.
Get this slime bag off! Hello.
Didja get it? I only had enough for one drink.
Stinger stingerray.
The ultimate mind-erasuh, just like you asked.
-Great.
-You know, I'd never let you down.
Hey, I paid for it.
'Course, with me, you'd never have to.
I know you must be lonely since Crustacea walked out on you, so Walked out on me? Walked out on me? That's a hot one! No, no.
No, she's at the spa, vacationing.
-Too bad she's -Back! Get this tentacle off of me! But that's impossible! Girls you know how the Council is about family values.
If I'm gonna win that re-election, I'm gonna need a mother for my children.
Even if she's not the original.
Get me? Oh, so you picked up some look-alike to play the part Yes.
Yes.
She has amnesia, so now she thinks she's Crustacea.
And ya need this to keep her in character, huh? That's right.
Please I'll do anything.
Thanks.
You can show yourselves out.
Momma! Momma! Come in! Wow! You look just like her! Like who? Just like ya did before the accident.
We thought there'd be more scar tissue.
Who are you? Only your best friends in the whole world! Ah I should've known that, I'm sure.
I have amnesia.
So that explains the new look.
It's so not you.
And it explains why you weren't there today.
Where? -What is this place? -It's the club.
Anyone who's anyone belongs to the club.
Mermaids or not.
All right, ladies! Let's get those fins in gear! It's time to aquacise! All right! Everyone in the pool! That's good! That's right! Now! Swim toward me.
Everybody, come in together.
Come in together.
So, Crustacea, have things gotten any better? You know At home.
What things? Oh, that's right, the amnesia.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
All right.
Now, come in together.
Smoothly, though, smoothly.
Come in together.
That's it.
Smoothly, forming the orb.
Oh Beautiful orb.
Right.
-What's wrong at home? -Well, according to you, everything.
The kids are impossible.
Yeah.
Flipper's a smart-mouthed brat.
And Urchin's a budding pervert.
And Baby Row Well, no one knows exactly what baby Row is.
He's not really a pervert.
Did I say all that? You think we'd make it up? I guess not.
I'm tellin' ya, girl, you've been ready to jump ship for months.
Not that we blame you, especially since you told us Hagar wants a dozen more, just like 'em.
He does? We'll help you pack.
If the kids are that bad, I can't I mean, I can't leave them.
I have to raise them to be better, right? I'll stay.
Now, holding, and let the flower bloom.
That's it.
And so, wise members of council, if elected president, I promise that I will not rest until I have established schools for our little fishes everywhere! Thank you.
So, I heard your wife's back from vacation.
Hope she's happy to be home.
You know how important a stable family is to the Council.
Well With all due respect, sir, I don't think my wife can remember when she's been so happy.
That's funny! Please, let me down now! Come on, I can't feel my feet anymore.
Let me down! Now! Ok, that's enough! Mommy's had a shower, children! Come get it, Titan! It's suppertime! Now! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Shark! Shark! Shark! How did I do that? All right, you're all grounded! But, but, but it was his it was his idea, Mom! -Don't listen to him, Mom! He's lying! -Quiet! I don't care who is responsible.
I don't know how things used to be around here, but they're about to change.
Go to your room! Move it! Boy, she's really mad.
Guys? Hey, wait a minute! Help, I can't move! Guys? Can you come on? -Hi, Dad! -Hi, kids.
What a day I had! Let me tell ya.
Murder out there.
What's for dinner? I'm starved.
You know Sometimes I wish I could just do what you do.
Hang around, play with my hair, try and look pretty You know, nothin'.
Children, will you please excuse us? -Yes, Mommy dearest.
-Yes, Mommy dearest.
Hagar Am I mistaken? Or are you under the impression that this house cleans itself? That the dinner that you're about to eat somehow jumped up on the stove and hopped in the pot? That our children taught themselves manners? Is my widdle cwab cake feeling underappreciated? Now she's feeling patronized, and that's worse.
I don't care how hard you think you work 'cause I work just as hard! Look what you did to my wall! Now, look, mister.
You and I are going to raise these children together because I will not have them treating their spouses the way that you treat me! -Hagar! -What? Do you expect me to believe that I wear this to bed? Well No.
Usually you sleep in the nude.
In your dreams.
I Boy.
Hagar, how exactly did we meet? Well It was a beautiful, sunny day.
Hi.
Hey! Hey Far out.
You know -There is one thing I never told you.
-What? I was only pretending to be unconscious, so I could kiss ya.
That's almost sweet Who does that cheap piece of tail think she is? Hello! She thinks she's Crustacea! And now thanks to you, she's buckin' for mother of the year.
How was I supposed to know she had a conscience? Besides, there's more than one way to skin a catfish.
You got another plan? Let's just say, I get the feeling something terrible might happen to her.
You mean like an accident? Accidentally on pupose.
I hope Crustacea likes calamari.
Ok, ok.
It's coming.
It's coming.
There you are.
There you go.
Crustacea! What brings our best pal back to the club so soon? You? Well, you said I should bring baby Row to the swimboree class, right? Of course she did.
Amnesia must be catching.
You wanna go for a swim? But look at you two! Look, Crabella, ain't they sweet? A regular portrait.
She's right.
We must preserve this familial moment.
Salvador! Hello! Dali! Over here! -You have a portrait artist.
-It's a very exclusive club.
Now, let's see Why don't you two go stand by the pool? Well, ok.
Here? A little more.
-How about right here? -A little more.
Here? -A little more.
-Ok.
Here? Help! Guess she forgot to say "cheese".
Oh, no! My God! -Yeah! Go, Mom! -Yeah! Come on! -Come on! -Go, Mom! -Oh, my God! -Hey Did she make it? Imagine that, Crabella.
An excaped octopus! We'er so glad you're all right Yeah, we had no idea you knew how to defend yourself.
Otherwise, we never would Well, I I guess the swimboree class is a bust for today.
Sorry about that.
See ya, ladies.
Come on.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
I'm glad you're all right! -That octopus didn't stand a chance! -You're a hero.
Table for four.
Hagar, please, tell me you had this delivered.
Ye of little faith.
Let your tongue be the judge.
Clamburgers! See? The kids love it.
-Good night.
-Good night, Dad.
And don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed.
-Even the retractable ones.
-Yeah! You said it already! -Good night.
-Good night.
What was the occasion? You were.
Look, I've been thinkin' a lot about what you said about shared responsibility.
And after the way I treated you, you could 'a left but you didn't.
So, I just wanted to let you know that things will be different.
You promise? Yes.
Then you'll do the dishes.
Come on, girls, let's pick it up.
Now down the back.
Let's go.
Instructor's watching.
Let's go.
That's it.
You're doin' good.
Come on.
In, out, in, out.
We need a new plan.
Oh, right, 'cause you're last two worked so well Question How do you deal with you excessive skanktitude? Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not the one with "Open all night.
" monogrammed on my underwear.
-You've been looking through my closet? -Truth hurts, don't it? -Maybe you're right.
-I am? Not about me! About the truth.
We can't tell Crustacea the truth or Hagar will hate us.
But if she got her memory back Then she'd leave him! And Hagar would be mine.
Cut bait and sail on, sister.
Hagar is mine.
Whatever.
Come on.
Let's go! And push.
And lift.
And push.
Let's go.
Pick it up! That's it.
Come on.
-Don't look.
-Come on.
Don't look.
You're gonna ruin it if ya look.
Ok.
All right, now you can look.
It's beautiful.
Ya like it? It's the coral gardens.
It's where I asked you to marry me.
Thank you.
For what? For having a learning curve.
Hagar, I never dreamed you could take me seriously but you have risen to the occasion.
You have no idea.
You know I should thank you because I am always at my best when I'm around you.
I wish I could remember this place.
Maybe you don't have to.
Crustacea Will you marry me? Hagar, I We're already married.
I know.
But I want us to start over again, you know? Like we did at the tidal pool.
We can begin again? Yes.
You must be awfully proud of yourself eh, Hagar.
Sir? Stroke of genius renewing your vows so close to the election.
The other candidates are kicking themselves they didn't think of it first.
You sure you switched the drinks? Positive.
Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship.
It is the foundation upon which love is built.
There's something I have to tell you.
Are you nervous? I am.
We've done this before.
Well, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about.
-Are you ok? -Yeah.
And so, if there's anyone present who sees any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Gabrielle I can't do this.
I can't.
What? I am not Crustacea.
I'm Gabrielle.
Hagar? What's the meaning of this? You pig! Why did you lie to me? My wife is divorcing me.
And I was so concerned with being Council president that I lost sight of what was really important.
Being a good husband.
So you thought I could just take her place and then you could climb the corporate ladder, huh? Yeah.
No.
I did, yes, I did at first.
I did at first.
But then I realized when I was making you happy, I was happy.
I'm sorry.
When I told you I wanted to marry you, that was for real.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
Whatever! The point is, you two ain't gettin' hitched.
Seems like a shame to waste the minister and the cake, wouldn't you say? My thoughts exactly! I guess it's time to choose.
Choose what? Your new wife! My best friends, huh? Hey, it's not our fault you don't know a good thing when you see it.
So, who's it gonna be, Hagar? Before you decide you should know that Sturgina snores like an asthmatic walrus.
You should also know that every member of the Council knows exactly what the top of Crabella's head looks like.
If ya get my meaning.
That's it! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna make you insane! Get off of me! Shut up! Stay there.
Look, after what I did to Gorb Gerbil -Gabrielle? -Gabrielle! I'm gonna spend some time alone and figure out how to make it up to her.
I'm sorry, Hagar, but we just can't allow that to happen.
That's right.
If we can't have him, no one will.
-No! Come back here! -I'll handle this.
-He's mine! -Allow me.
Did not! Out of my way, fish food! Come on! Nail them, whoever you are! What's a bloody nose among friends? I'm going to enjoy taking that ring off your severed finger! If you wanted my finger, all you had to do was ask.
Perfect! Thanks! -I'm gonna kill you! -All right! Sorry about all the tricks we played on you.
It's ok, I understand.
Look, never lose your sense of humor, ok? I'll miss you, lady, whoever you are.
Me too.
Urchin Your curiosity is gonna take you many places.
What? That's very funny And you, little lady You have shown me that I have more patience that I ever dreamed that I had.
Listen, I need to talk to your dad for a minute.
Go on.
-I think you should have this.
-No, no, no.
Look.
I If If there is anything I can do to make it up to you I will.
Actually there is something you can do.
Ok, name it.
You go your wife, your real wife, and you show her what you've shown me.
Ok.
That behind the sexist, corporate-climbing, self-centerd, lazy, stupid Ok, I get it.
I get it.
there's a man with integrity, who learned from his mistakes.
Ok.
I can do that.
-Here.
-No, no, you you can keep it.
It'll be something to remember us by.
Besides, it looks better on you than it does on me, so What are you doing? Well Apparently, just what you've always want.
You wanna tell me som'in', Gabrielle? What a weird dream You almost drowned! You were out for, like a whole minute! Thanks to this lemon tart.
Aren't you late for your delousing? Right, that's it! Ladies, you wanna take this someplace else? Unless you want a taste of my new chakram.
Olympus.
3 o'clock.
Be there.
I can't wait! Your black eye'll match your outfit perfectly.
-It's all right.
-Can I? Can I try? I don't know.
You sure you're all right? Better than ever.
All right.
Ok.
I have a new story for you.
This woman fell into the deep blue sea and she found herself in another world.